Beautifully Sacred
by Ailisraevyn
Summary: Broken after Edward left, Bella turns to pen and knife for release until a nomad leads her to new possibilities. Edward deals with his self-inflicted torment through music. But the tides of sorrow are strong, and they must both accept fate, or drown.Canon
1. Ch 1: Promises

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

**_PLEASE NOTE:_** This story will include dark themes, and a few scenes of self-harm, and violence. _Please be advised_. If this is a trigger for you, please read the A/N for each chapter for a warning.

_[Beta'd by: Project Team Beta, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Chapter Playlist:  
A Perfect Circle – 3 Libras  
Fiona Apple – Never is a Promise

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

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**_* This chapter contains self-harm *_**

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**Prologue**

It hurts. Everything inside of me just aches. I don't want to focus on anything in particular because I know it will remind me of my past. Remind me of_ everything_ that has pained me and everything about _him_.

I am amazed at how strongly I can feel the hole in my chest. It feels like I could just open up my skin and look inside and assuredly there will be an empty spot. I feel like I can look right through myself.

Simply _moving_ hurts. Every deep breath I take _aches,_ and when I wake in the middle of the night screaming and gasping out _his_ name, it burns _worse_. The pressure inside my chest makes no sense to me logically. It is empty inside, so what is causing this internal pressure?

**Chapter 1**  
**BPOV**  
**Friday, Sept. 15th.**

My chest expanded as I took a deep breath. I had been running, and after falling so many times that my hands were so red from the scratches and blood, I collapsed. _But where was I?_

As soon as he left my sight, I began running after him. I didn't even know what direction I was headed; I was completely lost and terrified. I knew I needed to calm down, but my heart seemed like it would beat out of my chest and I felt like I couldn't breathe. My lungs were on _fire_. I wanted to keep going, chasing after him; but I knew he could easily outrun me. He is a vampire, after all. My being human was what had caused all of this in the first place. My ability to bleed at the most inopportune moments was why I was alone in the woods.

I gasped for air as I clutched the dirt beneath my hands. I sobbed in defeat while I dug my nails into the damp ground. I leaned to my right and let myself crumble to the floor of the forest. I lay on my side for what felt like eternity before I let the darkness take me.

./.

I blinked my eyes rapidly and noticed I was moving, and _not_ by my own feet. My back, legs and entire right side was warm from a direct heat. I slowly lifted my head and saw a giant man carrying me; his skin was as dark as his eyes. The chocolate color captivated me as he held my gaze briefly. I took a deep breath and a rush of cold air stung my lungs, causing me to shudder.

"You're all right, Bella. You're going to be okay," a deep voice huffed.

Everything became blurry again as I slipped into unconsciousness.

./.

A light stung my eyes as I fluttered my lids. It was still dark outside, and the blinding light was coming from someone's headlights. _Where am I?_ _Have I been sleeping a whole day? _A voice penetrated my consciousness and I turned my head in the direction of the sound.

"... and I don't understand how you got that far," Charlie muttered half to himself, half to me. I took a deep breath, and a throbbing pain shot through my head. I groaned and turned my head toward the window.

Charlie glanced at me again and frowned before he turned back toward the road. The hum of the car on the pavement and the soft rhythm of the radio were the only noises. I stretched my limbs, and stopped when a shooting pain caused me to groan again. My mind raced as I tried to figure out what had happened. Random flashes of images played through my head in an odd sequence.

_I'm running through a forest; my lungs are burning from panicked breaths. A man is carrying me very quickly. I'm clutching at the dirt as I scream at nothing. My hands are filthy and bleeding. I can feel a cold breath against my forehead as I tremble. A blank expression as _he_ tells me he doesn't want me anymore. I clutch at my side to hold myself together as _he_ tells me I'm not good for him. _

I shut my eyes and pulled my arms tightly around myself. He left me? He just _left_ me. He left me _alone_ in the woods. The realization brought a new burning pain to my chest.

Charlie glanced at me again, but didn't say anything. Once his gaze was back on the road, I took a look at the clock; it was half past two in the morning. _Holy Crow, _I thought_._ It had been almost ten hours. I wondered when they started looking for me. _How far had I wandered?_ _I knew I ran for a long time looking for him, but I honestly hadn't gone that far, had I?_

I noticed the radio was playing a quiet, melancholy song that I recognized as '_3 Libras'_. The song's tempo picked up and seemed to grow louder as it neared the end. The lyrics resonated with me, and I found myself choking back my emotions so I wouldn't falter in front of Charlie.

_"… Eyes of a fallen angel. Eyes of a tragedy. Oh well. Apparently nothing at all. You don't see me at all."_

The lyrics were sung powerfully, but were droplets of liquid pain compared to the ocean of hurt I felt._ Would there ever be words strong enough? Will _I_ ever be strong enough to say them out loud?_ Just thinking his name was too much for me to even linger on. I didn't even want to think about what would happen when people started asking me about _him._

I looked at the side view mirror and saw the shell of a person that was reflected back at me. The words echoed in the song as it came to a close.

_"…You don't see me at all…"_

Charlie looked over at me again, and I sighed, closing my eyes. I wondered if he understood the context of the song the same way that I did. I figured he probably wasn't even paying attention to the radio, or the pain that the lyrics reminded me of deep inside my chest. _Surely the burn could only last so long, right?_

./.

Two days had passed, and I still couldn't form any words. My throat felt raw from all the crying, and I wondered if my voice would even work anymore. Charlie was used to our routine silence around the house, but I was sure this was awkward for him. I only ate a few bites of cereal in the morning when he would insist on having breakfast with me before going to the station. He kept insisting that he could take a few days off if I needed him. I just shook my head, and looked out the window.

I could tell I was frustrating him and causing him to worry. He was never good at dealing with emotions, so he wasn't very good at hiding the few he had. I didn't need Jasper's ability to sense emotions to know that he was filled with concern, grief and possibly guilt. For what, I couldn't even begin to guess, but knowing Charlie, he would find some way to blame himself.

It surprised me, however, that he had stopped asking questions so quickly after the whole situation in the woods. He even said that he had called the school to inform them that I would be taking the week off. _Thanks Dad_, I thought to myself, but I still couldn't seem to form words.

./.

The next few days were all a blur to me. Charlie had stopped asking me questions altogether. Finally, after a week, we slipped into a normal routine. He would eat breakfast with me before going to work, and I would go back up to my room to sit in my rocking chair and stare out the window. I wasn't reading my books anymore, and I had stopped listening to any of my music. I did notice, however, that _he_ must had come into my room sometime before the last walk we shared, because all of my pictures of him were missing, and the CD that he and Alice had made with my Lullaby was gone. I felt a tightening in my chest as I realized he had taken all of my reminders of _him_ away from me as well. It wasn't enough that he grew bored, but he had to take the only tangible things I had to tie me to him as well?

I just sat in my chair and stared out the window, watching the world go by. I wasn't looking forward to going back to school.

./.

By the time Monday morning rolled around, I was dragging my feet as much as possible. Charlie even waited for me to leave for school before he left for work.

I got into my cold truck, and my teeth chattered so loudly that it sounded like they might shatter. The sound of the beast roaring to life startled me. I took a deep breath and felt the pain in my chest flare as I shifted into reverse. I kept repeating _I can do this _in my head.

As I pulled into the school parking lot, the ache in my heart felt like it would be too much. My chest burned as I looked at the empty parking spaces that _they_ used to occupy. _Of course they aren't there, Bella. It's stupid to think anything would be the same._

Eric called me by my 'Arizona' nickname as I stumbled out of my truck. I looked up and nodded my head as I tried to give a half smile, but I couldn't even force that much. I put my mind on auto pilot, and kept my head down.

The rest of the day dragged on, and eventually I was free to go home. As I pulled into the driveway, I noticed that Charlie was home early. _How odd. _I stepped in the front door, and could feel the warmth of the house. Charlie was on the phone at the kitchen table.

"No, no one has heard that name before. I know - it doesn't add up," he said. He turned on the chair, noticing me, and hurried off the phone.

"So, how was school today, Bella?" Charlie asked. I just shrugged and tried to walk past him, but he grabbed my arm gently.

"Bella, you have to talk soon. I got a call from the school and the teachers are worried," he said, looking at me with concern.

"I know, dad. I'm trying," was all I could muster out of my mouth. Charlie simply looked at me, afraid of how to react.

I passed my father, and headed up the stairs slowly. I let out a deep sigh and I opened my door. I tossed my book bag on the bed, sat in my rocking chair, and curled my knees to my chest. I realized that today was just the first day of many more to come.

It took me ten days to speak.

./.

By the end of the month, Charlie had started pushing me to hang out with Angela, Jessica, and Jacob. Billy and Jacob had been coming over more frequently to watch sports, and I knew it wasn't because of convenience. He was trying to get me to open up, but it just didn't feel right with Jake. I sat with them, pretending to do my homework while they enjoyed the game, and responded when they asked me a question. I had dinner ready for Charlie every night, and was even talking more.

Of course I wasn't feeling any better. I still had this terrible, empty hole inside my chest that burned every time I breathed. At night, I was always reminded of it when I woke up screaming. The dreams were always the same, and I wondered what my nightmares would be like if these were just my dreams.

For the first few weeks, Charlie would come in and wake me when I screamed, but after the third week, he stopped coming in. It was probably for the best.

./.

At work, I found myself staring at the calendar again. I closed my eyes and sighed. It was October 15th, 2005; one month. Mike came out of the back room pushing a dolly full of boxes.

"Hey Bella, some more stuff I found in the back. You want to put it out, or you want to run the register?" Mike asked.

"I'll put them out. You got a box cutter?" I put my left palm out as I came around from the counter.

Mike reached into his pocket and pulled one out, turning his wrist to put it into my palm. Just as it connected with my hand, I noticed my right foot was no longer moving forward and time seemed to freeze. My leg locked behind me as my foot caught on something and panic flooded my body. I reached out to brace myself and I accidently gripped the box cutter tighter while simultaneously taking it out of his hand, as I began to fall. I put my other hand out to try and catch myself, but it was a useless effort. My wrist gave out as my right hand made contact with the ground, and I fell straight to my face.

My left hand was searing in pain and the air had been knocked out of my lungs. I smelled the blood before I even saw it as I turned and looked at my left palm.

"Shit," I muttered as I slowly opened my hand. "It must have opened when I took it from you."

My hand began to bleed heavily as I opened it to check the damage. I dropped the box cutter and made a fist as I pushed myself up from the ground with my other hand. I got to my feet and looked around to see where Mike had gone. He popped up from behind the counter, holding the first aid kit. Mike called me over as he began to dig through the box, and I cringed a little at the thought of the alcohol. I looked at his face and nearly laughed when I saw the sickly expression. I reached out and took the alcohol from the box.

"Mike, I got it. You look sick; maybe you should go sit down. I'm fine."

"Aren't you feeling faint, Bella? I thought you didn't like the smell of blood?" He looked at me, confused.

"I guess I'm getting used to it. After all my accidents lately..." I paused. _I don't want to think of my last accident. _

Mike looked relieved as he turned to walk toward the restroom. I opened my palm back up and winced as the pain radiated over my whole hand. I took a deep breath and was surprised when I didn't feel the burning sensation in my chest. _Interesting. _

I flexed my fingers and took another deep breath, this time taking in the smell of the blood. _Nothing_. No screaming inside my chest, no trembling and no faintness. _Very interesting._ I quickly cleaned up the mess, and wrapped my hand with a bandage, the sting from the alcohol causing it to throb. By the time Mike came back out, I was wiping the counter down with more alcohol.

"I think maybe I should put the merchandise out. I don't want you hurting yourself again." Mike shot me a half grin and I turned, resigning myself to the stool behind the counter. The rest of my shift was going to be boring anyway; the cold was driving business down.

The sun was high in the sky and covered by clouds by the time I walked to my truck at the end of my shift. By the end of the drive home, my hand had started to ache and the burning in my chest had returned.

I headed inside, placing my keys on the table and shrugging out of my jacket. I still had a few hours before I would need to start dinner, so I pulled the fish out of the freezer and wondered how much more Charlie and Harry would be bringing home. I climbed the stairs carefully, entered my room, placed my bag on my floor and climbed into my rocking chair to gaze out the window.

As I starred outside, I tried to remember simple details about _them_. While lost in thought, the sun came out and a bright sparkle caught my attention. My eyes locked onto the corner beside my bed, where the sun glinted off something. I stood, walked to the bed, reached down, and gingerly grasped the object. I turned the Exacto blade over in my hand, examining it. It was part of the scrapbook starter kit for trimming photos that I had been given on my birthday. Of course, in _my_ hands it was only a dangerous weapon that invited trouble.

Something inside of me turned over with uncertainty. _Could I really do that?_ I found myself thinking back to just a few short hours ago when the reality of a different kind of pain had set in. Before, I could never stand the smell of blood, but I had handled it so well at my birthday party and even better at Newton's shop. Perhaps I could train myself to not fear or be affected by it at all. In the process of acclimating myself, I could also release the pain inside of my chest that was always burning me alive. I walked back over to my rocking chair and sat down, pulling my knees up to my chest as I stared down at the metal object, losing myself in a daze.

As I sat staring out the window, I could almost hear the faint echo of _his _words that day in the forest. "_Promise me you won't do anything reckless, or stupid_," he had said, "_for Charlie." _How many of his words that day were true? The look on his face had been so plain and matter of fact. I could still picture him in my mind, but the image was something I tried to not allow myself to indulge in; it hurt too much. I let his words repeat in my memory as I allowed myself that one piece of my past.

The sun had already begun to set and cast an orange light through my room. I jolted in my chair as I heard tires on the gravel outside. I looked up at the clock and saw that two hours had passed. I turned back to the window and looked out to see Charlie pulling into the driveway. _I should have already started dinner!_ Surely he would notice that something was off, especially when he saw my hand, so I had to come up with something – fast.

As I ran down the stairs – trying to think of what to fix for dinner – I accidentally caught my foot on the bottom stair. I went hurdling forward and reached my hand out to break my fall. I grabbed onto the table at the bottom of the stairs as I slammed my palm against the edge. The pain made me gasp, and I cursed under my breath as Charlie walked in the front door. At first he smiled at me warmly as he closed the door behind him, but when he noticed the white of the wrap on my hand, he dropped his holster in the chair and ran to my side.

"What happened, Bella? It looks soaked through! Have you been to the hospital for this?" He spewed out the questions in one continuous stream.

"I'm fine Ch-dar-Dad. I just tripped and probably opened it back up again. I'm fine." I sighed and held my palm closer to my chest in hopes he wouldn't see the damage and try to take me to the hospital.

"I don't know, Bells. We should have Dr. Gerandy take a look at it. It might need stitches. What happened?" He slowed his questions and put his hand on my shoulder, waiting for the truth.

"I was just being me; _clumsy_ and _work_ don't seem to mix. Its fine, I promise. I'll just go change the bandage. I'll be right back down to start dinner." I turned and headed upstairs, taking the steps a bit slower this time.

"Bells, don't worry about dinner. I'll just call for a pizza. I don't want you worrying about cooking with your hand in that shape," he called from the bottom of the stairs.

"Alright, Dad, but really I'm fine; it's just my left hand," I called back as I entered the bathroom. I unwrapped the bandage and poured more alcohol over the wound. The cut stung in the fresh air and the alcohol made it burn. I gritted my teeth and bit my lower lip, as I tried not to curse. While the pain was intense, it was manageable. I tested my theory again and took a deep breath. I breathed in deeper than I had been able to for a month and a small smile crossed my lips. _Nothing, again._ Every time I felt physical pain, it numbed the emotional pain.

For the rest of the night, I spent my time doing homework and putting on the façade of being okay for Charlie.

The next day at school, I wrote random phrases in the corner of my notebook. I had been scribbling during my lunch periods as a way to pretend I was listening without having to participate in any of the conversations. Angela still tried to get me involved in social things, and while I appreciated the effort, I really found it rather unnerving.

During lunch, I bought my lemonade and took my seat, pulling my notebook out from my bag. Angela looked at me as she passed and took her seat. As Jessica sat down beside her, she looked over my shoulder at my sketches and made a 'hmph' noise. I continued to nod my head to the conversations while I made doodles and wrote down words. Just before the bell rang, I noticed I had a good chunk of a poem or song written out. I stood, put the notebook back in my bag and headed for class. After school, I left for work.

As I was getting ready to go home at 7 p.m., I noticed a small, folding hunter's knife display by the door.

"How much are those, Mrs. Newton?" I asked. She turned and smiled at me before she glanced back at the display.

"They are $29.99. Not bad at all for a small pocket knife. They should be a good seller," she responded. "Why do you ask, Bella?" She looked back at me, curiously.

"I think I'll buy one." I grabbed one from the display, and turned to head toward the register. "Would you mind ringing me up for one, Mrs. Newton?"

"Of course not, dear. But why the sudden interest, if I may ask?" She looked concerned now. Damn, I needed a cover. No one would believe me needing a knife. But…

"Early Christmas gift for Charlie. It's the perfect size for his tackle box," I said, the excuse just rolling off my tongue. _Maybe I was getting better at lying after all._

"Oh, of course! That's a great idea." She finished the transaction and I slipped the bag around my wrist.

"Thanks again, Mrs. Newton. I'll see you Wednesday." I smiled and waved as I walked out the door. Once in my car, I pulled the knife out of the bag and opened the plastic case containing it. _I swear; you almost need the knife to get it **out** of the case._ Finally, I managed to pull it out of the plastic without harming myself. I flicked the blade open and looked it over. The entire knife was silver and fit in the palm of my hand when closed. I put it into my back pocket, started the truck and headed home.

Once home, I walked straight to my window and opened it. The cold air drifted in through the opening as I sat on the ledge. With one leg bent on the sill and the other hanging into the bedroom, I stared out into the woods. As I sat, words started coming back to me from earlier in the afternoon. I climbed off the window ledge and collected my notebook, flipping through the pages until I found the one with all my scribbled words. I slowly walked back to the ledge, resumed my previous position and stared at the words scrawled across the white page.

I hummed quietly as I read the words in my head. I closed my eyes and the lyrics flowed from me easily, expelling all the pressure inside as I sobbed. My right hand gripped my knee and I pulled it closer to my chest, trying to steady myself.

_"You'll say don't fear your dreams, well it's easier than it seems."_ I squeezed my eyes shut as my voice trembled._ "But 'never' is a promise and I'll never need a lie."_ I took a deep, painful breath.

I leaned forward and my hand dug into my pocket as I pulled the new blade forward. My breath was shaky as I flicked the tool open. I turned my left hand over, exposing my wrist and looked at my pale skin. _No, not there. _I pushed my sleeve up further, almost to my shoulder, and gripped the blade tightly in my hand.

I lifted the knife to just above the elbow, and dragged the steel across my flushed skin. As I pulled the edge toward my torso, I gasped. A sudden rush of adrenaline flooded my body, and the blood pooled at the top of my skin before it ran down to my elbow. The internal pressure of the gaping hole in my chest was completely gone as I breathed in deeply once more.

_Nothing_. Exactly what I really wished would occupy this hole permanently. I sat there, perfectly still, as I continued to breathe in deeply and exhale. A calm ran through my body while I inhaled the scent of my blood. It was almost as though my sorrow was being carried out through the blood in my veins. A slight smile crept across my face, and I turned to look out the window once more.

As I stared across the street at the edge of the forest, a flash of bright eyes caught my attention. I blinked once and the eyes were completely gone. The trees swayed slightly and my voice shook once more.

"Edward..." my lips whispered. The pain rushed back into my chest, and I began to sob again.

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**Song question of the chapter:** What one song did you think/feel was speaking directly to you when you heard it? If you feel like sharing why, I'd love to hear about it! My answer will be on the top A/N of the next chapter. =)


	2. Ch 2: Persuasions

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: Project Team Beta, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song felt like it was speaking directly to you.  
_My answer: Linkin Park - Breaking the Habit._  
When I was a teenager, this song was released when I most needed it. It was my anthem to become a better person.

Chapter Playlist:  
Blue October – Sound of Pulling Heaven Down  
Hoobastank – The Reason  
Buckcherry – Sorry

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

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**Chapter 2  
EPOV  
Wednesday, October 19th, 2005**

We had been there a month, and the pain was still excruciating. I knew that I was just making it harder on everyone else who had to be around me. I often contemplated leaving, but with Alice seeing my decisions to leave, and Esme hardly ever leaving me alone, it would have been difficult to even attempt escaping the house.

I'd stopped hunting, and most of my strength had faded. I knew the pain inside of me had no end, and a small part of me didn't want it to go away. I feared that if it faded, then that would mean that _she_ was no longer walking the Earth. Strangely, I found the knowledge of her still existing brought me enough comfort to continue existing as well, but the thought of her gone forever would be too much for me to bear.

Someday in the next eighty years or so, I too would leave this earth and we would _never_ be together again.

./.

_'It's been thirty-four days,'_ Esme thought. She was seated at the drafting table in the study as she worked on new plans for renovating the house. We had moved back to Alaska near the Denali Clan, though we weren't in Denali proper.

My family constantly hounded me to go hunting. I could hear the concern in their thoughts, but I just couldn't bring myself to do anything to make the pain go away. I_ deserved _this; I was nothing more than a horrible creature, and I knew that I was breaking my mother's heart.

I curled up tighter on my black leather sofa as I reflected on my past. I had been lying there for over a week. I must have replayed my thoughts of _her_ in the forest a million times. _How could she accept my lies so easily? _Thoughts ran rampant through my mind as I replayed the choices I'd made over and over. So many visions overlapped one another as all sorts of decisions became a collage in my mind.

The choices I had made decades ago, and how I had blamed my father for making me this way. We didn't talk for years, and when I finally had come to my senses, I realized that I had wasted all of those years in angst and unnecessary pain. I hurt my family because I thought that I had known what was best.

Looking back on the past few weeks, I knew that I was feeling those emotions from long ago _all over again,_ but much stronger. I'd never known a pain this excruciating before. It was like my chest was constantly on fire and nothing would make it stop but _her_. I knew this was necessary, though. This was the only way for her to live a normal life and be protected; I was certain of that.

I thought that maybe if I had never become this person, her life could have been wonderful. Because of what _I_ am, _she_ was now cursed as well.

These past few days, I had been having words come to me: lyrics, poems, expressions. They were begging me to say them out loud, but I was not going to grant myself the feeling of expelling them; it would only dilute the fire. I would put them away in my mind for a day in the future.

'_That's it, Edward. I'm not taking 'No' for an answer,'_ Alice thought in the living room.

I sighed and curled my arms more tightly around my legs as I willed my body to disappear.

'_I can't stand seeing you or Jasper this way anymore. You have to hunt, Edward. Please,'_ she pleaded.

I heard Jasper get up and leave the house. He had been staying away from me more often; I knew this must be killing him inside. My door creaked open and I opened my eyes, peering through my lashes at the evil intruder.

"Just leave me, please, Alice. I… can't–"

"Yes, you can. I've seen that you can; you just have to _decide_ to. _Please,_ Edward. I'll get Emmett and Rosalie to come back early and _drag_ you if I have to," she threatened.

"Alice," I whispered. "Please," my voice cracked.

I felt the cushions shift under me as she sat at my feet. Her hands wrapped around my ankle, and her mind filled with images of the two of us laughing and exchanging silent jokes. She overpowered my thoughts with memories as I cringed slightly. Her mind seemed to shift open slightly, and an image of Bella laughing at Emmett at school filled her mind and lingered before fading.

"I'm sorry, Edward, I didn't mean..." she stuttered, changing her thoughts quickly.

I sighed and shook my head. My body trembled as I gripped my sides tighter.

./.

A few hours later — and an _almost_ empty house — I decided to get up. I stretched my limbs beneath me and shifted my weight to sit up. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. _I promised that I would hunt, and Alice promised not to look for me until I got back home_. _I want her to trust me and to know that I won't take off, but I also want to hunt alone._ As I got up and walked to the front door, I heard Esme in the study.

"Going for a hunt, Edward?" she asked. '_Please, Son,'_ she pleaded in her thoughts.

"I won't be gone long," I said loud enough for her to hear me, as I closed the door behind me.

I managed to find two deer not far from town. I knew they wouldn't be enough to sate my thirst entirely, but at least I had hunted. I came across a stream, and cleaned my hands in the water. I ran the water over my face, the temperature almost the same as my skin.

As the water dripped from my neck, I took a deep breath. Inhaling in the cold night, I let a calmness ease over me. I turned and ran home, entering into the living room. I approached the new piano Esme had purchased for me, and stared down at the keys. After contemplating for what could have easily been hours, I pulled the bench out and took a seat.

I sat there for almost another hour before my fingers began to ghost over the keys to _Bella's Lullaby_, but I never let them ring out. Halfway through the melody, I paused as my hands shook above the ivory. I hesitated before my fingers finally pressed down and I heard Esme take in a short breath. I saw myself through her mind as she peered from the top of the stairs down at my figure.

_'Oh, Edward, I haven't heard you play in a while. Please_,' her mind silently asked.

My eyes closed tightly as I exhaled. I paused before I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the scent of Esme: clean linen and morning dew, mixed with the soft watery scent of the lilies Alice had placed around the house. The sadness in her mind was evident on her face, and the sorrow in her eyes pleaded with me. My fingers sought out the familiar sound of her song. I pressed my fingers down, making contact with the ivory keys as the tone filled the room and I played the intro twice before I pushed into the first verse.

_'I haven't heard the words in decades. How I love his compositions_.' Esme's mind continued to wander with pride in her thoughts as she focused on Carlisle and the rest of her family.

As I neared the chorus, I brought the words back into my memory and closed my eyes.

_"I'm reaching farther than I ever have before, leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore,"_ my voice rang out, matching the tempo of the keys as I recalled the words Carlisle wrote.

Esme gasped and I opened my eyes to take in her reaction as a soft smile spread across her lips. I looked up into my mother's amber orbs, a silent pleading in my own gaze. I _willed_ her to understand, and to feel my regret for the pain I was causing her family; _my_ family.

_"You make the sound of pulling Heaven down. You brought the rain's romantic pour," _I sang.

Images began to flood my mother's mind. Most were of Carlisle and herself in those first few years after she had been changed. A few of the memories shifted to the entire family. I closed the song softly, but I let the last note linger. Her hand comforted my shoulder as she kissed the top of my head.

'_Thank you, Son_,' her thoughts echoed inside of my own. I simply nodded my head and looked back down at the keys.

"Please don't stop, Edward. I've missed your composing," she said. Her smile grew as she nodded at me, and then looked at the piano before she turned to take a seat at the bay window.

"I'm afraid I have nothing uplifting inside my head. My notes will only bring you sorrow," I replied quietly.

_'Anything you compose is beautiful, Edward.'_ She smiled.

Once again, my chest heaved and then fell, but before I could change my mind, my fingers pressed down on the keys. A soft, slow melody rang out of the piano. The song was intended to feel haunting with an edge of desire or hope underlying the melancholy nature of the notes. With a sudden recollection of the words that had been lingering in my mind the past few weeks, my lips whispered out the first line I remembered repeating to myself the day after I had left _her_.

_"I'm not a perfect person. There are many things I wish I didn't do. But I continue learning; I never meant to do those things to you,"_ I sobbed as I sang. Moving my hands across the ivory, I chanced another look at Esme; her body was balanced perfectly on the cushion in front of the window as she peered out with a longing expression.

_"And so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know. I've found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new and the reason is you."_ My voice trembled as I reached the last line and I let the tempo pick up as I sang louder, moving into the next verse. Glancing at Esme once more, I saw she still hadn't moved from her spot.

_"I'm sorry that I hurt you; it's something I must live with everyday. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away,"_ I shuddered as I sang. The venom began to fill the brims of my eyes, but it could never spill over; not being able to cry was all part of being damned and soulless. I could feel the pressure inside my chest as it built up stronger than I'd ever felt. I closed my eyes, drawing in a shaky breath and finished the verse.

I stole another look at Esme, and I could see that she was fighting for the same release that would never come. I felt for her mind, but it was entirely void of any thoughts. Somewhere inside of me, I felt a heavy weight crack. If my dead heart had still been capable of any feeling, I would have sworn that it had split in two. However, the idea of me still even having one was asinine; I had left anything resembling a heart with _her._

_I've done this to them all. I'm putting them all through this pain, not just myself._ I turned away from my mother and poured all of my emotion into the song as it flowed out of me. I pushed all of the agony out through my words and the rhythm, and closed out the song with a slow and long note.

I opened my eyes after a few moments to see Esme standing beside me once again. Jasper and Alice were standing in the doorway, their minds somehow entirely blank as well. I stood up from the bench and opened my mouth to apologize for the overwhelming emotions lately. Before I could even finish my first word, Alice cut me off and bounced over to me, pulling me into an embrace.

_'Oh, Edward, I'm so glad you've finally come around.'_ Alice smiled, and took a step back towards Jasper_._

_'I'm glad I'm finally getting something from you other than sorrow. Regret and longing is an improvement,'_ Jasper thought as he tilted his head and the corner of his mouth slid up.

My hand reached into my hair as I dropped my head to stare at the ground.

"I'm sorry," I said, the apology finally coming out. I stiffened and looked up as I waited for their reactions.

Esme's hand trembled at her mouth and she pulled me into a hug. '_Oh, Edward,'_ she thought. I gripped her back gently and her face turned upward to look into my eyes. '_Well, at least they aren't black anymore.'_ She patted me tenderly and released me.

Jasper stepped forward, and gripped my shoulder briefly with his left hand. I noticed that in his right, he held a guitar. He held it out for easier inspection and nodded. '_Go ahead.'_ I extended my hand, and grasped the wooden artifact.

"It's Kate's. Alice and I decided to pay the sisters a visit this afternoon to give us all some space. She's letting me borrow it until mine gets here. Alice ordered it the other afternoon, seeing I would be interested in taking music up again." He motioned to the guitar as he spoke.

_'I thought maybe you would be interested in playing some tunes.' _His eyes shifted to the ground_. 'If you think you feel up to it, anyway. We could just jam some covers, you know, on the piano and guitar — or I could teach you how to play,_' he thought quickly.

A soft smile crossed Alice's face as she continued to shift her gaze between the two of us; she was obviously waiting for something.

I transferred my weight to the other foot – a human twitch – and as I did, Alice's mind was filled with a vision of the three of us spending an afternoon playing music in a new room, with snow coming down outside a small rectangular window._  
_  
Not even a second after the vision faded Alice beamed at the two of us. I hung my head and turned to walk away.

'_Was it something I said?'_ Jasper thought absently.

"No. I'm sure she will explain," I mumbled.

I took the stairs two at a time, and walked to my bedroom quickly. I headed straight for my computer, unplugged the mp3 player and placed the buds in my ears. I shuffled through the different songs until I found the one I was looking for. The guitar chords were the first notes to hum their way into my consciousness, quickly followed by the slow drum rhythm and Josh Todd's vocals. The words retold an apology and reunion, something I could only fantasize about. "Sorry" by Buckcherry began to pick up in tempo as the chorus hit.

I lost myself in the music as I tried to push out the voices and thoughts from the occupants of the house. I must have been in a deep trance, because I didn't notice Jasper until his hand touched my shoulder, causing me to jump.

_'Well, that's a first,' _Jasper thought. '_It's hard to catch a telepath off guard_.' A smirk slid across his lips, but it quickly faded. '_I'm sorry, Edward. I just thought maybe you would talk to me briefly? I can come back later, if you prefer,' _he added, hesitating.

"No, its fine, Jasper. I'm sorry. What can I do for you?" My voice strained as I tried to compose myself.

"I understand better than most how this is affecting you, and I know we are _all_ worried about you. So I thought that maybe you needed a distraction, something to—"

Jasper tried to continue, but the low growl that came from my chest startled him.

_"…I won't forget, but my kind… we're very easily… distracted."_ My own words played back in my perfect memory. I shook violently as my mind recalled the worst moment of my life.

'_Anger, resentment, regret; interesting. What did I say, Edward?'_ His eyebrows creased as he tilted his head curiously.

I shifted my stance as my growl faded out. "I'm sorry, Brother, it's just…" I mumbled as I looked down. I ran my hand through my hair violently. "I don't ever want a distraction from… _things_." My hand released my hair and I dug my hands into my pockets. I could hear the song ending in the ear buds hanging from the table beside me. I reached down and hit 'sleep' on the music device before looking back up at Jasper.

He studied my expression, trying to understand the motives behind my feelings. I reached my hand out and placed it on my brother's shoulder. My dark topaz eyes briefly locked with his bright gold ones, and he smiled warmly.

"Well, how about tomorrow?" I asked. After saying it, however, I immediately regretted it.

"Perhaps we can just play our preferred instruments until my new one arrives. Then we will have two acoustics and I can teach you, when you're ready," he suggested. His mind was entirely silent as he waited for my response.

"That sounds fine," I sighed.

'_Thank you, Brother,'_ he added, turning to leave me in silence once again. As he closed the door, I felt his calmness and joy radiate through the room. I tried to allow it to envelop me, but it just didn't feel right; it felt foreign. While I was fully aware that I shouldn't be sitting there, waiting to waste away — I should be hunting and interacting — everything just felt_ so numb._

Sitting in silence, my mind began to wander over my new words. I found myself once more humming out a familiar lullaby, as lyrics slowly came to mind. The chorus came to me easily, but I struggled with anything that fit the bridge and verse. I headed for my sofa and curled up tightly. Looping the song in my mind, I played the entire thing over and over. Each time the chorus repeated, the words haunted my mind.

./.

I heard Carlisle come home sometime before light broke once more; signaling that another day had passed. Esme quietly told him of my day's events, first hunting, then playing piano and then agreeing to play music with Jasper. I could hear the hope and pride in his thoughts. He was overcome with joy that I was showing signs of life again. _How ironic_, I thought to myself. I'll never truly be alive again. However, if I could bring my family peace of mind, then it would be worth the façade.

* * *

**Song question of the chapter: **What one song reminds you of something you regret, or wish had happened/ended differently?


	3. Ch 3: Memories

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: Project Team Beta, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song reminded you of regret in your past.  
_My answer: Korn - Wish you could be me.  
_I always associate it with dark moments from my past I wish I could change the outcome of.

Chapter Playlist:  
30 Seconds to Mars – 100 Suns  
30 Seconds to Mars – The Kill  
Concrete Blonde – Bloodletting  
A Fine Frenzy – Almost Lover

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**_* This chapter contains self-harm *_**

* * *

**Chapter 3  
BPOV  
Saturday December 10th, 2005**

I wanted something I knew that I could never have again. I glanced down, the knife in my hands reflecting my own eyes back at me. For a brief second, I saw a golden shimmer in the reflection. I blinked quickly and refocused on the blade, but the eyes mirrored back at me were just as just as brown as they'd always been. _Jesus, everywhere I look _he's_ all I see_.

The blade was starting to get dull from use, which, besides being unsafe, made the pain I felt so much more significant. I glanced at the clock; _Angela would be here at any moment._ I stood up from my bed and closed the knife. I placed it in my back pocket, slipped on my sneakers, and checked my appearance in the mirror to make sure everything was on properly and that I looked normal. I was even bringing a handbag with me, to try to fit in more. _Alice would be proud._

I headed down stairs and left a note for Charlie, reminding him of my plans with Angela and Jessica. _Heading to Port Angeles to shop for Winter Ball dresses, be back late_, I scrawled hastily on the notepad. Well, _they_ were shopping. _I_ was going to make it look like I was trying to move on.

The dance was on Friday and Christmas break was one week away. Angela was going with Ben, and Jessica was going with Mike. Thankfully no one had asked me, so I didn't need to come up with an excuse. It was nearly eleven by the time we finally arrived in Port Angeles. By two, I was bored of dress shops, and I told Angela and Jessica I was going to the music store across the street.

Once outside, I noticed that the clouds were thinning, and a few strands of sunlight were breaking through. I tucked my bag into my side and headed across the street to the large music store. They had everything from CDs to vinyl, and even boasted an assortment of instruments and recording equipment. The building was two stories tall, and the entire upstairs was filled with music equipment, stereos and amplifiers. Downstairs there were rows and rows of music in every format. I browsed the various genres of CDs to pass time, not looking for anything in particular.

Along the side of the store were listening stations that happened to be surrounded by a group of teenagers dressed in leather coats and tattered clothing. Two of the boys were thrashing their long hair around to whatever they were listening to on the headphones, while the other three bobbed their heads quickly in the same rhythm. I chuckled to myself and shook my head. _Metal heads_.

The downstairs portion of the store was far more populated than the upstairs. In the upper half, a few employees were standing around behind a glass counter talking, while a few young guys hovered around the electric guitar area. There was an older man browsing through the sheet music section, and a girl my age standing near the brass collection of instruments.

I strolled through the aisles of guitars, taking note of the various shades they came in. Seated in the farthest corner, on top of an amplifier the size of a tire, was a man with long, thin, sandy hair. His face was very narrow, and the rest of his features were extremely elongated. I estimated that he would easily stand at around 6 feet 6 inches tall.

He was hunched over an acoustic guitar, and his hands slowly moved over the body of the instrument. The noise of the electric guitars behind me made it difficult to discern from if he was actually playing or not.

I slowly walked further down the aisle, and glanced at an acoustic occasionally. I spotted one that was a deep wine red, and lingered by it for a moment, taking in the hue of the stain. _It's really beautiful_, I noted silently, wishing I knew how to play. I'd never been interested in honing any kind of skill — especially music — but in the last few weeks, I found myself increasingly drawn to it.

Being surrounded by guitars brought back memories of when I was living in Phoenix with Renee. She was always taking classes, trying new things, and she would attempt something for a few weeks and then say it was a waste of time, or that the instructor didn't know what they were talking about. When I was fourteen, she decided to take music lessons, and, of course, she chose the guitar. She told me she was going to be the next Nancy Wilson, and I just rolled my eyes and agreed to go with her, but I refused to play anything.

I found the whole thing interesting, and would often read over the literature that she was given to study. They would go in depth about the various parts of the guitar, how it was made, the history behind it, and different terms used. Like clockwork, three weeks into the lessons she stopped going, claiming the teacher knew nothing about good musicians. He had wanted her to start with blues, one of the few types of music that she didn't enjoy. The guitar was added to the pile of my mother's experimental objects in the garage, and quickly forgotten about.

I continued to slowly work my way toward the man in the corner of the store. I felt strangely drawn to him, like there was an imaginary tugging inside of me, pulling me toward him to befriend him. He was maybe twenty feet away when I stopped and feigned interest in a nearby acoustic. I heard the faint sound of strings, and I realized that he _was_ playing. I turned toward him and noticed his long, sandy hair had a hint of natural red to it, and his body seemed incredibly solid.

I watched as his fingers started gliding across the frets. The sadness the melody seemed to project was unreal and like nothing I'd ever heard before. _I wonder what words he envisions in his head to accompany such a beautiful sound._

I took another step closer, and my heart thumped faster in my chest. Just as I took my fourth step, he whispered something so quietly that I couldn't be certain he'd said anything at all. The second line was slightly louder and I could make out something about "the start."

_"I believe in nothing, not the earth and not the stars," _the man sang loud enough for me to understand. He took in a ragged breath and straightened his posture infinitesimally. The next two lines shared the same repetition as their predecessors, and the strumming picked up in volume as he plucked the chords with vigor.

_"I believe in nothing, but the beating of your heart,"_ he sang with a beautiful, but sad voice.

I shifted my weight, and contemplated whether I should sing a harmony behind him. _Would he think I was being too forward? Does he even know I'm watching him play? Why am I so intrigued by this guy?_ I held my breath in anticipation, waiting for him to continue. I couldn't be certain, but it looked as though he cracked a smile just as I decided to sing with him. He took another deep breath and began to play the notes gently once again.

_"I believe in nothing,"_ he started.

_"Ooh-oh Oh," _I sang quietly. I glanced at him to make sure that I hadn't upset him. When I determined that there was no sign of irritation I continued to sing the non-intrusive line between each of his lines. _What the hell has gotten into me?_

When the song slowed down, I sang quieter. After a few more lines, he only played the major chords_._

_"I believe in nothing, but the truth in who we are,"_ he whispered as his fingers slid over the last chord.

I considered asking him if he wrote it, but I knew that I was already acting too forward. Suddenly, without even thinking about it, I took another step forward; I felt compelled to ask him regardless of my insecurities.

"That is a beautiful song. May I ask who wrote it?" I managed to mumble out somewhat coherently. _Great_, _not only am I being horribly nosy, but I'm also mumbling like a nervous fool._

"Thank you," he replied, his melodic voice captivating me. "I wrote it, quite a long time ago though. Perhaps it's not so up to date, but the sentiment is what matters I suppose," he added and flashed a bright smile. He had large dimples high up in his cheeks and his eyes crinkled at the sides, but he was still looking down and I couldn't make out the color. He seemed strangely familiar, however, and I took another step closer, leaving only two feet between us.

"The words are lovely, as is your voice. You seem to have many talents musically." I blushed at my brazen actions. Surely I was making a fool of myself, but I didn't have much to lose or be concerned about.

"Thank 'ya ma'am," his tone lightened to a hearty chuckle and I noticed a slight accent. "I must say, you have quite a lovely voice yourself, Miss…" he lingered like he was waiting for something.

_Oh! _

"Bella, uh, Isabella Swan," I said as I smiled nervously. My eyes dropped to the floor as I felt the heat rise up my neck and across my cheeks. My eyes began to wander, and I slowly looked up to watch him, but didn't meet his eyes.

"It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Miss Bella Swan. I'm Garrett," he added and smiled brightly again as the crinkles at his eyes formed. _They are from such a large grin_, I guessed_, not from age or complexion_. They added to his charm and allure. His skin was paler than my own and he looked flawless. Suddenly, I noticed that his hands had started strumming the guitar strings again, only this time with a harder emphasis and more variations. He seemed to be concentrating, but his playing seemed effortless.

"This song, however, has no words to accompany it. Perhaps you have some that may fit," he said.

I was uncertain whether I should share any of my words with anyone but my notebook. I felt a pressure in the back of my mind and the same tugging as before at the center of my chest. I wrapped my arms around myself tighter in reaction to the sensation in my center. _I'll do it, _I decided quickly. I took a few deep breaths in hopes calming my nerves. _Jasper would be a welcomed comfort right about now, _I thought to myself.

"This one has mild syncopation all throughout the song. That means it does the unexpected, reaching a crescendo, or climax, when you least suspect it. It's very emotional, maybe even interpreted as painful. I wrote it as an acceptance of sorts, but I guess it could be something else," he said casually while his fingers continued to pluck delicately over the strings. I tried to focus on the flow of the song.

"It has a split verse, then the chorus, then another split verse and chorus. Then it has a lead-in to the bridge where it hits crescendo. It then repeats the chorus, then the lead in, then the chorus three more times." He took a deep breath and laughed, probably at my confused expression. "I'll play it through once for you, just pick up wherever you feel comfortable." He looked up at me, but my eyes were fixed on the floor, afraid to meet his gaze. I shifted my weight again and nodded as I chewed on my lip.

He started over from the beginning. In-between what he called the split verse, he sang an "Oh-ooh Oh-ooh" before continuing. I nodded in time with his rhythm as he continued. As the song progressed, I started to tap my foot to keep the beat with him. I noticed when the beat changed unexpectedly, and understood what he meant about syncopation; I never understood the term clearly in the handouts Renee had been given. The bridge continued to flow into the chorus and lead-in, and I thought back to all of my poems written in the last few months. Only _one_ really seemed to fit the emotions in this song. I focused on the words as my panic rose quickly when I realized how desperate they truly were.

He brought the song to a close and paused for a moment. I wanted to kick myself for agreeing to this so easily and wondered if he would say anything if I just ran. The tugging sensation from earlier pulled once again inside my chest and I felt the pressure inside my mind and heart. I took a deep breath and decided to just go for it. I nodded my head once and I swallowed nervously.

The familiar rhythm began, and after playing the intro, he looked up at me. I could feel his eyes on me, but I continued to stare at the floor as I felt my voice tremble in the back of my throat.

_"What if I wanted to break,"_ I whispered to myself. I closed my eyes and dug my fingers into my sweater at my sides. _"Laugh it all off in your face. What would you do?"_ My breath shuddered. Garrett sang the harmony in-between the verse again and just before his note ended, I started my next line.

_"What if I fell to the floor?"_ My voice was stronger, and I swallowed once again. _"Couldn't take this anymore; what would you do?" _I repeated the poem from my journal, feeling stronger as I pushed through the words.

_"Come, break me down. Bury me! Bury me! I am finished with you…"_ I tightened my hold on my sides. The chorus faded into the next verse, but it sounded more complex than before. His fingers must have known the chords so well, because it all sounded so effortless.

_"What if I _wanted_ to fight."_ I placed an emphasis on the past tense, and my body tensed as I recalled the next line in the poem. _"Beg for the rest of my life! What would you do?"_ My head began to rock forward and backward with the music. As I continued to recall the words from my poem, I remembered the meaning it held. It was filled with sorrow and spite, and was an apology of sorts, but it also clearly pointed out _his_ faults.

_"You say you wanted more, well what are you waiting for? I'm not running from you,"_ I sang the end of the verse with vindication. The memory of _his_ words flooded my mind and I could feel the heat of my cheeks and the tension in my body.

_'I know that at some point, something I tell you or something you see is going to be too much. And then you'll run away from me, screaming as you go.' He smiled half a smile, but his eyes were serious._

_'I'm not running anywhere,' I promised._

The memory made me tremble violently, and I repeated the chorus more powerfully than before, filled with the hurt inside of me.

_"Look in my eyes – You're killing me, killing me! All I wanted was you!" _I screamed out louder than I intended. A sob tore through me from deep inside and I bent forward in an attempt to hold myself together. I couldn't sing anymore and I began gasping for air as I sank to the ground in a crouch. I held my knees to my chest tightly and tried to keep myself from unraveling at the seams. My head sprang up to look at Garrett as I heard his voice practically growl out the bridge.

_"I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change – I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself! Fighting for a chance – I know now, this is who I really am."_ His voice rang out in a strong harmony with the guitar. His own conceived words were carrying through the crescendo and I could feel the hurt and sorrow behind the entire song.

I leaned forward onto my knees and put my arms around my side as I took the lead again and sang the bridge lead-in. We continued this one more time, switching the roles of chorus and lead-in until the end of the song neared and my voice lingered quietly over the last line.

I heard the loud applause of what must have been half a dozen people behind me. Shocked, I turned and looked up to find a few store clerks, a supervisor of some sort and a few customers as they smiled at the both of us. I turned back to look at Garrett, but he was paying them no attention, he was simply beaming at me; and then I noticed his eyes.

While the crinkles at the corners were alluring, the rusty orange of his irises were _shocking_. His grin was wide and when I combined all of the small traits together, the result _should_ have been terrifying. For once in my life, I acted as I should and gasped. I turned to get up and run but as I tried to stand, my center of gravity was lost and I crashed back down to the floor. The room was spinning and I saw black spots. All I could do was gasp for air, as my mind ran into overdrive.

_Vampire._

_This man is a _Vampire_ and I, of all people, happen to wander across him nonchalantly, completely drawn to him?_ _Figures._ In that instant, I decided that I was forever destined to be reminded of everything I'd ever lost, for the rest of my life.

The rush of people that were hovering over me made me feel claustrophobic. I struggled to put my hands behind me and lifted myself into a sitting position. Multiple voices were asking me if I was okay, but all I could do was nod and swallow nervously. I struggled to get to my feet, and grabbed my bag. I mumbled my apologies and I turned, darting down the stairs faster than I thought that I was capable of, and straight out the front doors.

As I burst outside and onto the busy sidewalk I noticed that the sun was still peeking through the clouds. I hesitated and turned to look back at the storefront made up of windows. Garrett was standing just inside at the edge of the shadows with the most confused expression. The other people were talking amongst themselves, probably about my odd behavior. I darted across the street, and narrowly avoided a honking car as I sped back into the dress shop.

After I managed to half-answer the twenty questions about my expression, my panting, and my odd mood, Angela and Jessica decided to drop it. They paid for their items, and discussed the next store they wanted to visit. They decided on a shoe shop a few blocks over and I shrugged to show my lack of opinion in the matter. As Jessica turned off the engine, I opened my door and looked up at a large white sign with a red cross and a mixing pestle. _Murphy's Medical Supply Shop _the sign read. Somewhere inside my head, a light flicked on. A slight smile crept across my lips, and turned back to Jessica and Angela.

"I'll be right behind you guys, I just want to check out another store across the street," I said.

Jessica and Angela looked at each other skeptically, then back at me, hesitating.

"Oh come on, it's not like I need high heels, I'd kill myself in something with any sort of added height. I _promise_ I'll only be five minutes."

Angela seemed to consider it for a second but Jessica replied first.

"Alright. Sure. No getting lost or anything though, we still need to eat before we head back," she said dryly. She turned to walk towards the shoe store and Angela turned to follow her.

I made quick work of my shopping adventure, not wanting to give any other vampires in the surrounding area a chance to find me. I headed into the store set on letting nothing stop me. The clerk behind the counter greeted me as I passed her, but I just mumbled a response as I read the display signs on each aisle. The store was set up like a pharmacy or kitchen supply store. The shelves had plastic barriers and the peg-walls had locking mechanisms in efforts to prevent shoplifting, or so I guessed. I spotted the aisle I was looking for and looked back over at the service clerk.

"May I please have a look at one of the items down this aisle?" I smiled brightly in attempt to appear friendlier.

The clerk grabbed the keys from behind the counter and turned to follow me down the aisle. I pointed at the item just above eye level and smiled once again. The clerk eyed me suspiciously before she unlocked the mechanism to hand me the plastic bag. Inside was a stainless steel surgical scalpel and the package said it was $24.99. I turned it over in my hand as I examined it closer.

"I'll take this one, please," I said evenly, as I kept my voice confident. The clerk eyed me over again and then turned back to the lock and closed the mechanism before she spun on her heel to walk back to the front of the store.

I was in and out in less than five minutes.

I slipped the new blade into my bag and walked into the shoe store. I took two deep breaths and focused on holding a fake smile on my lips as I looked around for Angela and Jessica. I didn't want either of them asking questions about where I had gone, or what I was up to. I gave them more input than usual on the color and strap choices, and interacted more in the conversations. I was certain Angela had noticed something was different, but she let it go. She was probably just happy I was finally opening up.

We finished up our shopping trip, and headed to dinner at _JB's Restaurant_. I bought desert for the three of us before we headed back to Forks. My mind was still swimming full of thoughts about the music store, and the entire drive home I must have chanted the word '_vampire'_ a hundred-thousand times in my head. I'd seen another vampire and I didn't know what to do or think about it, and feeling so confused about the whole situation just made me more upset.

As soon as I got home, I charged up the stairs, dropped my purse in the hallway by my bedroom door and headed into the bathroom. _How did my life change so drastically?_ I grabbed the edge of the sink and looked at my reflection in the mirror. _I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost without _him. I stared long and hard for the first time in weeks at the hollow shell reflected back at me. My cheeks had thinned, my jaw was narrower, and my collar bone protruded out more noticeably. _I'm nothing. I deserve nothing. _I could feel the anger and pain bubbling up inside of me as I let out a blood curdling scream. _What am I doing _here _still? _My hands flew across the counter and I knocked everything off of the surface_. I feel like I have no control of my own life._

I turned and stalked into my bedroom, slamming the door behind me. I walked over to my stereo and shuffled through the few CDs I _didn't_ break during those first few days, and I pulled out a CD with roses on the cover and popped it into the player. I cranked up the volume and pressed the repeat button twice so that it would loop just the first song. The sound of thunder crashing and wolves howling filled my room, and brought a smile to my face. The guitar kicked in and I closed my eyes as I let the sound of Johnette Napolitano's vocals flood my mind.

_"There's a crack in the mirror and a bloodstain on the bed -  
Oh you were a vampire and baby, I'm the walking dead."_

The words brought chills to my skin. The melodic beat of the bass thumped throughout the room and made me aware of my own heartbeat. The chorus kicked in and I found myself shaking. I slid down the wall beside my desk, next to my window, and wrapped my arms around my jeans as I pinned my knees to my chest. I closed my eyes and sang the next verse along with my stereo.

_"There's a rocking chair by the window down the hall.  
I hear something there in the shadow down the hall."_

I took a deep breath, and then screamed out the next line louder than even Johnette was ever capable of.

_"Oh you were a vampire and now I am nothing at all."_

I broke into loud sobs as I buried my face in my knees. With my ribs pressed against the tops of my thighs, I could feel how thin I really was becoming. I quickly brought my head up and took in a sharp breath. I got to my feet and walked to the hallway to fetch my purse. I dug through my bag and pulled out the small plastic bag from earlier. I walked back to the window as I tore the package open and pulled out the scalpel. I took the security cap off the tip and tossed it to the floor.

I pushed the window open, and sat with my back against the side. I tilted my head back against the window pane and took another painful breath. The burn from the expansion of my lungs was my constant reminder of the gaping hole that was hidden under my flesh, and it never let me down. The song grew louder as the bass took hold of the entire song. The guitar was screaming as Johnette sang about having a lot to think about. I opened my eyes and looked down at the surgical instrument. I wanted to understand how something so simple had destroyed my entire life. My blood being spilled was the final straw that brought my world crashing down around me. I didn't understand how the physical pain alleviated the pressure in my chest. I pleaded to understand, but I doubted I would never receive an answer.

I knew it would be sharper than I was used to and less of a dull, tugging pain. I also knew I had to be more careful since it was _meant_ to slice through skin easily. I didn't do it for the pain. I didn't do it for the attention. I did it in the desperate hope that maybe my own crimson liquid would hold some answer that couldn't be found anywhere else. I did this to condition myself to the smell of blood, because inside my head I had rationalized that if _I _could get over the smell, _they _could have as well; if they had tried. If they had _wanted _to try. If _he _had wanted me.

I pressed the tip of the instrument to my upper arm, just under my shoulder cap, and bit my lip in anticipation. I moved my hand at a forty-five degree angle towards my torso and watched as the skin spread open easily; the blood slowly pooled at the surface. The vibrant red brought me a sudden rush of freedom. As the edge glided across my skin effortlessly, I exhaled; the pain was _nothing_ like what I was used to. It was almost like I felt nothing but the release as the blood exited out of my body. I lived for _that_ feeling; the _numbness_ the steel gave me. It didn't ache inside, or twist, or pull. Everything just simply _was_.

I bandaged my fresh wounds carefully, and headed downstairs. I pulled open the cupboard, grabbed a glass, and filled it with water. Just as I took a sip, the phone rang.

"Hello?" I asked curiously. I realized the music was still on loop upstairs as I tried to hear the person on the other end of the line.

"Hey, Bells. It's me," Charlie said quickly – his phone was breaking up.

"Oh hey, Dad. What's up? Everything okay?" _Charlie never calls from work._

"Everything's fine. Well not in Port Angeles. Listen, there have been a lot of bad things going on up here, so I'm giving them a helping hand. I just wanted to make sure you girls got home safe and let you know I was going to be home late tonight," he said, his voice almost sounded rushed as the line crackled. "I really wish you weren't staying home alone, maybe you could stay at Angela's or Jessica's? I don't know how late I'll be getting in," he said as he tried to not sound over protective, but the concern was evident in his tone.

"Yeah, sure, Dad. No problem," I responded slowly. Then something in my brain clicked. _I wonder how I could pull it off though. Maybe…_ "I'll head over to Angela's. I just got back from our trip anyway, so I'm sure her parents won't mind if we extend our day together," I added quickly. I could tell Charlie was relieved when he exhaled into the phone line.

"That sounds great, Bells, thank you. Hey, do you think I should call her parents and make sure it's okay?" he added.

"No, no, Dad. It's fine," I responded quickly. _God, he can't call them. Shoot, think Bella._ "I'll call her as soon as I get off with you. Go help out, don't worry about me. Angela and I had a great time, I'm sure the Webbers won't mind me staying over." I was talking so fast I knew Charlie might be suspicious. I tried to slow my breathing and calm myself. _I need to think of a way to convince him they won't mind._ "I don't eat much so I wouldn't be imposing that way, and Mrs. Webber told me she was happy to see us hanging out. I'll be fine, Dad, just be careful, okay?" I bit my bottom lip and hoped he would take the bait.

"Alright, Bells. Just drive safe and try and have a good night." He paused. "I'm glad you are finally hanging out with your friends again." I knew he was trying to be supportive, but he didn't know how to deal with words and emotions; I understood his intent though.

"I know, Dad. Take care of yourself too. Get a room if you think you are too tired to drive home. I'll see you when I see you." We said our goodbyes and hung up. _Perfect_, I thought to myself._ A full night to do anything I want and I know exactly where I want to go._

I tidied up the kitchen, and set a plate of leftovers on the top shelf for Charlie. I ran back upstairs and took a look around my room. I shoved the top blanket from my bed and a pillow into my backpack along with my notebook, pens, and scalpel. It was a little tough to zip up, but I finally got it closed. I placed my pocket knife in my back pocket and grabbed my sweater. I grabbed my keys and headed for my truck in the driveway.

Half way out of town, the pain started to rise in my chest again. My fingers tightened around the steering wheel, causing my knuckles to turn white. I turned the wheel and pulled off onto a dirt path_. I need to say goodbye_, I kept telling myself. I knew that I couldn't find our meadow, and that I could never find _him_. I doubted that I could even get Alice to come see. The only place that left was their old home.

The hole in my chest throbbed when the house came into view. The giant windows that served as the main structure of the house were still as breathtaking as the first, and last time I saw them. I parked, grabbed my bag and hopped out of the car. As I slowly made my way up the stairs to the front door, a rush of panic flooded through me. _What if it is locked? What if there is an alarm?_

My hand was shaking as I reached out to turn the knob. With a silent click in the gears, it opened effortlessly. I released the door and it swung back, almost like it was welcoming me inside. I reached around on the wall just inside the door and flicked the light switch. I let out a breath as the lights illuminated the bare house. _Of course the Cullens wouldn't be worried about an electric bill, _I thought.

I glanced around before I stepped onto the marble tile. The staircase to my left looked so empty with no paintings to decorate the bare, white walls. I closed the door behind me as I slung my backpack over my shoulder. I hesitated in the entryway for a moment as I tried to decide what to do. I shuffled my feet under me before I decided to explore the house, but as I began to swing my foot in front of me, I stopped mid stride.

_He left it._

The house _looked_ to be entirely empty, but he_ left it behind_. There, in front of me, was _his _grand piano. I felt my jaw drop and opened my eyes wider as I took in the sight of the black piano against the pure white room.

I walked over to the piano and dropped my bag on the floor beside it. My lullaby began to play in my mind as the hole in my chest seared at my insides. I cringed at the sudden painful memory as I ghosted my fingers along the ivory keys. _Why did he leave it behind?_ _Maybe his _distractions_ didn't involve music either,_ my mind silently retorted.

The words in my head were spinning, and I felt the heartache as it began to fill the hole in my chest. I pulled away from the piano, and headed upstairs. I took each step slowly as I tried to remember what paintings and art pieces used to reside on the walls. I pushed open the first door I came across.

As I stepped into the room, I could smell a subtle hint of mint and leather; _Alice and Jasper's room_. I walked towards the two doors inside the room and pushed each of them open. One was the bathroom, with a long shiny black tub and dark marble décor. The other room was almost as big as the bedroom. I couldn't even imagine the number of clothes that used to fill the bars, knowing Alice.

The next room down the hall was Rosalie's and Emmett's. At least, I assumed as much, mainly due to the number of mirrors taking up one entire wall, and the strong scent of perfume. I couldn't distinguish the exact fragrance, but it smelled extremely like chemicals mixed with pheromones and was obviously feminine. The tub was larger and was off-white with gold marbling, but the closet wasn't as vast as the previous one.

I recognized the next room as Carlisle's office, and it smelled like old books and warm vanilla. I assumed the room beside it must have been Carlisle and Esme's bedroom, due to the same vanilla scent and a hint of clean linen. As I wandered down the hallway, I dragged my fingers along the white walls slowly behind me. I knew the last room was _his _room, and so I took my time to steady my breath, preparing myself. I took a painful breath and wrapped my arm around my torso in an attempt to hold myself together. With my right hand, I pushed the final door open and stepped inside.

I took in the empty room with my red sorrow filled eyes. My senses were completely overwhelmed. My memories of his breath, and his scent lingered, making it feel like he was in the room with me.

The entire left side of the room was covered in windows, and held the most spectacular view. My right hand glided along the walls as I wandered the room counter-clockwise. The moonlight filled most of the space and I didn't bother with the light switch. As I reached the floor to ceiling windows, I pressed my palms to the glass. I closed my eyes and was flooded with images of _him._

_His hands as they glide across my skin. His fingers as they play over the ivory keys to my lullaby. His cold breath as he would kiss me gently each night. His voice as he promised it would be as if he never existed. _

The thoughts made me cry out as my knees buckled underneath me. The streaking noise of my palm on the glass made a long squeak as I landed loudly with a thump on the floor.

_"Goodbye, my almost lover – goodbye, my hopeless dream,"_ my voice cracked as I whispered the words pent up inside my heart.

_"I'm trying not to think about you, why can't you just let me be?"_ I closed my eyes tightly as I trembled. My arms wrapped around my torso, and my knuckles paled. The words flowed from my lips quietly as I expelled the pain in my heart. As more images filled my mind, I let the pain echo out through my voice_. _

_"Images — and when you left you kissed my lips. You told me you would never ever forget these images,"_ I grew louder as the scent of his room filled my consciousness.

_The memory of his jacket wrapped around me tightly as he drove me home that night in Port Angeles; the smell of him on my pillows that lingered for weeks after he left. _

_"I should've known you'd bring me heartache — almost lovers always do."_ I curled up tightly as I tried to disappear. I could still hear his voice in my head perfectly as he told me he didn't want me. I tilted my head up to the ceiling as I screamed out the pain that roared to life from deep inside of me.

_"So you're gone and I'm haunted, and I bet you are just fine,"_ I cried as I trembled violently. I curled back into my knees and my voice waivered. I whispered the question plaguing my mind for the last three months.

_"Did I make it that easy, to walk right in and out of my life?"_

I was sobbing uncontrollably as I sang my goodbyes one more time. When the words in my consciousness slowed, I leaned over onto my side and curled up as I shook.

./.

I blinked my eyes a few times and lifted my head to look around, but the pain in my neck and shoulders made me pause as it throbbed through my muscles. The morning sunrise was flooding the room with a beautiful yellow-orange light. I thought back to the previous night and I started to panic.

_My blanket is wrapped around me rather tightly with my pillow under where my head was just resting. I didn't have my things up here when I fell asleep,_ I thought to myself. I could feel my heart beating louder inside my chest as I took shallow breaths.

"Oh God," I whispered. _Had Alice seen me come here and returned?_ No, she would be sitting here, talking my head off by now. _But then, who was here?_

I jumped to my feet in panic, and turned toward the door where I saw him standing in the corner. He was in the shadows farthest from the window as the light crept in quickly.

"Hello," he whispered softly.

* * *

**Song question for the chapter: **What one song reminds you of a first, or long lost love?


	4. Ch 4: Affirmation

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: Project Team Beta, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song reminds you of a first/long lost love.  
_MY answer: The Cure - Friday I'm in Love._  
As cliché as it is, my first 'boyfriend' and I both loved The Cure, so we made it 'our song'. I was 12. He died later that year.

Chapter Playlist:  
Stacie Orrico – Dear Friend  
Hinder – Better Than Me

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**Chapter 4  
EPOV  
Sunday, December 11th, 2005**

Jasper and I had been playing musical covers for over a month, and while I enjoyed the acoustic guitar, I found that I preferred the rhythm of the bass guitar. We'd covered everything from classics to current hits but discovered that we both enjoyed the simplistic rhythms over the intricate beats when playing acoustically. There was something about the purity of the sound that the acoustic would create when you let it harmonize with a basic bass line.

While I knew my brother's intentions were to help distract me from the empty hole in my chest, I still couldn't let go of the pain that _her _memories brought me. I couldn't just forget, or move on; _she _was my entirety. Even though I couldn't be with her, I wouldn't deny myself the few memories I had cherished of her. Those moments were what I clung to in order to exist from day to day.

I was hunting more regularly than the first month that we had moved away, but I still refused to fully sate my thirst. It felt wrong to try to ease my own pain when I knew that I deserved so much worse. Jasper would always try to ease the hurt, but it got to be too much for him at times, and he would leave the house for the weekend with Alice at his heels. I felt even worse when they left because I knew that I was driving my family away and it was because of a choice _I_ had made.

Last week I had decided that I wouldn't continue driving my favorite sister and her mate away from their own family. Instead, I would leave when I knew the black void of my pain was becoming close to unbearable for Jasper; I simply disappeared into the snow and ice covered mountain tops that overlooked our house and the valley.

I curled up at the mountain's edge for days at a time before Alice came to find me, and tell me that it was time to go home. We hunted together before returning to our family. I loved my sister dearly for her dedication and determination to not let me waste away, but some days I simply wished that the hole in my heart would swallow the rest of my useless existence.

I had been lying on the cliffs' edge for around three or four days before Alice had come to retrieve me this time. I could hear her mind as she hummed a simple bass line in her head. However, it wasn't until I heard her voice ring out that I knew she was _that_ close.

"Cannonball!" she screamed. Her tiny figure jumped from the cliff above me and landed in the snow. She created a wave of white fluff that flew in every direction, burying me in the process.

I groaned and sat up, the snow falling from my shoulders. Alice's hair was covered in white snowflakes and a giant grin was plastered across her face. Sometimes simply seeing my sister so ecstatic was enough to make me crack a small smile. If Jasper ever knew how easily she could sway my emotions, he might have been jealous, but I wasn't planning on ever informing him if I could help it.

Alice sprang out of the crater of snow, and stood above me, her fingers outstretched. I sighed and rolled my eyes before taking her hand. I knew that Esme had probably sent her out to get me, but knowing Alice she would wait until the best possible moment so that she wouldn't have to deal with my resistance.

"First one to the top of the mountain gets the bigger game?" she asked with a grin.

I rolled my eyes again and shook my head. "Why don't you just tell me who wins so we can spare the loser the disappointment?"

"I do!" she cheered and grabbed my arm. "Come on! I know where there are a few bears in hibernation a few miles east. We can rub it in Emmett's face when he gets back with Rose for Christmas." She giggled and tugged on my sleeve.

We hunted a few bears before we went back home. When we reached the house, Jasper and Esme were sitting on the front steps, discussing holiday plans and the possibility of inviting the Denalis over to spend Christmas Eve with us. The thought of spending even one day near Tanya was _not_ appealing to me, but I did miss her sister, Kate, and their father of sorts, Eleazar.

Jasper sensed my reluctance as I approached the house. He guessed it had to do with the plans they were making about the Denali clan visiting, but he didn't say anything out loud. Silently, he apologized to me before squeezing Alice tightly and placing a gentle kiss on the top of her head. Alice was practically bouncing in his arms when she turned to look back up at me again.

"Come on! I've had this White Stripes song in my head for two days, and I really want you guys to play it!" She nearly dragged Jasper by the hand into the house, with me at their heels. He and I exchanged a knowing look and rolled our eyes in unison. We both knew that there was no denying Alice when she really wanted something.

./.

It had been a week since I last left for my family's sake, and I could feel the pressure building inside my chest to the point of being unbearable for Jasper. I could only take so many days of social interaction before I was just too drained to ignore the burn anymore, and put up the façade.

Every time I left, Esme would silently plead with me to _'Be careful'_, _'Take care of yourself'_, and _'Return home soon'_. Yet, every time I was gone longer than the time before. I knew that I wouldn't be able to keep up the charade for the next eighty some-odd years, but I had to try for as long as I could; for my family.

I wished that I knew how _she _was doing; if she was safe… if she was happy. I often contemplated checking up on her, but then I would remember my promise to her and try to think about something else. Alice had been pressuring me more and more to act on those impulses, but she knew when to quit pushing and let it go, thankfully.

I'd been sitting at the piano bench for a few hours, staring at the pale keys. I was waiting for any kind of inspiration to strike me, but as usual nothing came to mind. Esme sat at the bay window for most of the day, in hopes of catching a rare glimpse of my composing a new piece. I was so absorbed in my own train of thought that I had been blocking out everyone else in the house. I was getting much better at ignoring their thoughts. At least that was one positive thing to come of this horrible nightmare.

I turned, looked at Esme and focused on her mind. She stared out the window, thinking of how excited and happy she was about our entire family being back together for Christmas. In less than a week Rosalie and Emmett would return from their honeymoon and spend the holidays with us in Alaska.

She was reminiscing about the previous Christmases we had spent, playing out her favorite memories of each year. I could sense the sorrow that permeated her thoughts and I knew that it was partly because she had spent all year looking forward to this Christmas, and that now it would be nothing like she had hoped. She had been planning an extravagant Christmas in Forks since July, and now that idea was completely shattered.

It broke my heart every time I saw Esme so sad over the loss of someone that she barely knew, but I was aware of how attached she had become to… _her. _She started humming a simple tune that I didn't recognize, as the memories in her mind shifted to her human life. The scenes seemed so personal; It felt as though I was intruding on her privacy.

I shifted my position and let my eyes focus on the ivory keys beneath my fingers. The soft melody Esme was repeating in her mind brought forth feelings of longing, and devotion. I let my fingers press down, finding the notes similar to the ones she was playing in her thoughts. When I struck the first few notes, she turned to look at me with a smile of excitement. I continued to play with the inspiration that she had given me, molding it into its own melody as it echoed throughout the house. It was slow and gentle, with no distinct verse, chorus, or bridge.

Alice and Jasper drifted into the room from upstairs. They were drawn to any new music that filled the house as of late. Jasper took a seat on the sofa that faced the piano, and Alice sat curled up on his lap with her head resting on his shoulder as they watched me play.

I hadn't composed a new song on the piano since the first day I had played for Esme in October. All of our songs had been done acoustically on the guitars and were covers. I always hesitated to play anything on the piano, because I knew the emotions that they would elicit within me. However, this time it was Alice that was affected by the composition.

She had spent the last few days very upset, and quiet, which was very unusual for her. I knew that our leaving Forks bothered her most when it came to my siblings, but I didn't think that it would have affected her generally upbeat nature that drastically. She hadn't shopped in several weeks, and she wasn't her normal bubbly self. I could hear the sorrow in her thoughts in the few times that I didn't try to block my family's minds from my own. I knew that Alice missed _her —_ a lot — maybe even almost as much as I did. I also knew that a small part of her hated me for making us leave, and not letting her say goodbye to her best friend; her _sister_.

When I caught a trace of Alice's thoughts, I was surprised. She was singing words silently in her own head. Jasper could feel the sadness rolling off her as she clung more tightly to him. He stroked her arm slowly, his lips pressed against her temple as though in a never ending kiss. I closed my eyes and sighed. _Why couldn't this pain affect only me, why does it have to torture my family as well?_

When Jasper whispered in her ear to _"let it out,"_ she nodded her head slightly before taking a trembling breath. I was still playing the gentle song inspired by my Esme's humming, and it was clear that the song inspired her as well. Alice closed her eyes tightly, and brought an image of _her _into her mind. _She _was smiling brightly, frozen in action with pure bliss etched across her face. I shut my eyes tightly at the reminder and felt the pressure inside me build.

"_Dear Friend, what's on your mind?"_ Her words came out so quietly that I wasn't sure if she was still thinking them, or saying them out loud. While she sang the next line, her mind shifted to an image of _her _laughing animatedly. The images changed repeatedly in her mind as she sang each line to her long-lost friend.

A small part of me wanted to demand that she stop; the pain was becoming unbearable. Another part of me knew that she was hurting the same way that I was, and who was I to deny my sister her own memories?

"_Dear Friend, I feel so helpless," _Alice sang. The pain was evident in her images shifted to scenes I had never seen before; _her_ crying into her pillows, screaming in her sleep as she woke from her dreams, avoiding her own reflection in the mirror.

"_I know you don't feel pretty, even though you are. But it wasn't your beauty that found room in my heart,"_ she sang louder than before, her voice echoed like a bell throughout the house.

I turned to look at Esme sitting at the window, and saw that her eyes were glossy and filled with pain as well. She closed them, but the venom tears didn't fall as she wished they would. I glanced back to Jasper as my fingers continued to play the melody. I could see how hard this was on him, to see his mate in so much pain, and to be surrounded by so much sorrow. However, I knew he wouldn't leave Alice's side, even if she asked him to. He simply stroked her arm, kissing her temple and hair gently every few seconds.

Alice continued to relive her memories and visions of heras she sang along with the piano. She shared the comforting words that she longed her sister could hear. I slowed the composition down, leaving out the extra flourishing notes, so that it was just a simple harmony with her voice. She held onto the image of hersmiling for the last time at her birthday party, only three months ago.

"_Dear Friend, you are so precious… Dear Friend,"_ she sang, letting the last word linger before turning into Jasper's chest and sobbing. Her body shook with tears that would never fall. My brother held her tight, cradling her to his body as he whispered into her hair repeatedly.

'_It isn't just _you_ that is going through the pain of losing Bella, Brother. We all are suffering from the emptiness she has left in our lives,' _Jasper said silently to me. I cringed when he said hername, but I nodded, acknowledging his words.

Alice turned in Jasper's arms and looked over at me through sad eyes. "I miss her too, Edward." She spoke so quietly. "Please- she is hurting, too."

I sighed and shook my head, letting my eyes fall to the floor. "I know Alice, but we can't. She deserves to live her life; we can't take that from her. I know you don't remember your life before, but all of us struggle with what we have become. We can't take her soul from her. Just look at Rosalie, she wouldn't have chosen this, even if it meant that she never would have found Emmett. I can't… I _won't_ do that to her_."_ I wished that Alice could understand that this was necessary, but I knew that she was clouded by the pain of her own loss.

"That's not true, Edward. She wanted this. She wanted you, this family, this _life_. Why do you refuse to see what _she_ wanted?" Alice stood up, leaving Jasper's arms. Her hands were clenched tight in small fists and her body shook. "This is the life she was meant to live, Edward. This is the path _she _chose, and you took that from her! You didn't even give her an option! You treated her like a child!"

"Because she _is_ one, Alice!" I snapped. "She is just an eighteen-year-old girl infatuated with the mystery and fantasy of it all. Humans don't love on the same scale we do, Alice. She will move on and be happy! We have to _give_ her that," I argued back. My own words tore at my dead heart. I never wanted to admit that out loud, but Alice forced me to.

"You don't honestly believe that, do you? She loves you just as much as you love her. Just as much as I love Jazz! How can you demean her feelings like that, Edward? She trusted you! You two were meant for each other, I've _seen_ it!" She was shaking more violently, and sobbing. Jasper had wrapped an arm around her waist, trying to calm her, but he couldn't even sway her emotions an inch at this point.

"If we were meant for each other, then you should still see it, but you don't! You don't see us together, and that's because she isn't meant for our world. She deserves better than this. She deserves better than me…"

"Well at least we agree on one thing," she spat bitterly through her teeth as she turned and ran, Jasper trailing behind her.

I sighed and sat back down at the piano, my hand flying violently through my hair as I closed my eyes tightly. _Why can't she just accept that this is how things are supposed to be? No matter how much _Iloveher_, I could never keep her safe as a human, and I would never take her soul from her._

"I think Alice is right, Edward," Esme said quietly. I turned my head quickly to look at her, shocked, but she held a hand up. "Let me finish. I think you should have given her the option. You said none of us would have chosen this as our life if we had a choice, but you never gave her the option to make that choice for herself. I know you don't think human love is as strong as ours, but I knew I loved Carlisle before I even knew who he was. Maybe you should ask Jasper about the feelings Bella had shown when around you; you may be surprised."

I felt so angry at Esme for taking Alice's side, but I didn't want to argue about this anymore. My decision was made, and Alice would learn to live with it, just as I had. I turned and grabbed the acoustic guitar before I ran out of the house.

'_Please, be careful, Son,' _she thought just before I was out of reach of her mind.

./.

It was two days before Rosalie and Emmett would be home for Christmas. I apologized to Alice for being so upset with her, and accepted that she was entitled to her own opinion. We still hadn't played together since the day that she had sang her song, however.

Alice spent time with Jasper, practicing on her box-drum while he played guitar solos. I spent most of my time in my room avoiding my family, writing out lyrics as they came to me. I finished two new pieces and was still trying to decide if I wanted to share them with anyone or lock them away to never be heard out loud.

I could hear Jasper playing a very intricate melody downstairs in the living room as Alice found a steady rhythm to accompany it on her drum. They were playing for almost an hour before the song really started to come together. I missed the jam sessions with my siblings, and silently scolded myself; I felt torn. _Should I go downstairs and attempt to join them, or should I stay upstairs and leave them to their duet?_

'_I can feel your wavering emotions, Edward. Whatever you are trying to decide, if it involves Alice and I, you should know you are always welcome. She is still hurt, but not angry. Though, if you upset her again, I can't promise I won't hurt you,'_ Jasper thought from the living room.

I sighed and slowly walked down the stairs at a human's pace. Esme and Carlisle were upstairs in the study, quietly discussing plans for the holidays and paying little attention to the rest of us in the house. I sat at the bottom step of the stairs to the living room and watched Jasper and Alice start over from the beginning of the song they had been working on.

The melody was very rhythmic in the beginning, and beautiful. Once the chorus began it became deeper, with a solid underlying beat, emphasizing each note. Alice's hand ghosted over the small box-drum so quickly and quietly that it almost felt like a heartbeat or bass line matching the key notes. The entire thing was beautiful, and hinted at so much, without having to be blatant about the emotions. As they finished, they both beamed at each other and turned to look at me. I cracked a slight smile and nodded.

"That's great, guys. Alice— you are really great at that. It all flows so naturally. Does it have words yet?" I asked curiously.

"Actually—" Jasper started, but was cut off by Alice.

"We were hoping you would share some of the lyrics you've been writing. I know you have one that fits perfectly," she said as her mind replayed her vision of us playing the song again. I was singing the lyrics that I had written earlier in the week. I sighed and nodded.

"Alright, is there another guitar line or a bass line you had in mind, Jasper?"

"Sure, here, take the other acoustic guitar. I was thinking we could just play the simpler notes of the underlying melody as an emphasis, and then during the chorus have it pick up and be the lead," he said as he handed me the other guitar.

I stood up, took the guitar, and sat down on the floor next to Alice and across from Jasper. He went over the chords a few times, showing me what he meant for which parts. The construction of a song was something he was amazing at, and Alice had a knack for finding the rhythm he intended. She joined in on her box-drum, pulling the entire thing together seamlessly. After practicing the individual parts a few times, I let him know that I was ready.

"_I think you can do much better than me, after all the lies that I made you believe."_

The first words echoed quietly through the room. It was the same phrase I had been telling myself ever since I left Forks; ever since I left _her._ I could feel a burning in my chest as I said the words out loud, singing them to the harmony Jasper and Alice had spent all day creating. I had written this song as my explanation, or my reminder of why I had left. Alice picked up the beat as we neared the first chorus, and I took a shaky breath before pushing into the louder rhythm.

"_I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember what it feels like beside you. I really miss your hair in my face, and the way your innocence tastes, and I think you should know this; you deserve much better than me,"_ my voice cracked at the last line.

Esme and Carlisle came downstairs and took a seat on the bottom step of the living room stairs. They watched us in silence as we played another original song. A part of me hated the fact that my family was hearing my confessions, but I knew that it was something they wouldn't take lightly or hold against me. They may not agree with me, but they would never hate me for it.

I closed my eyes as we played the next verse. I sang of my memories of _her_ and everything that I had taken from her. The chorus quickly shifted into the bridge and we all picked up the volume a bit, playing more forcefully.

"_The bed I'm lying in is getting colder; wish I never would've said it's over, and I can't pretend... I won't think about you when I'm older because we never really had our closure; this can't be the end," _I sang with so much force that I tried to not sob.

Alice doubled up on the drum rhythm, making the floor vibrate as Jasper played through the chorus. I put as much energy into my own chords as I could while I cried out the lines of the chorus again. _Her_ scent seemed to envelop my memories, and it was as if I tasted her sweet breath on my tongue. As tightly as I held her memory to me, it had never felt as close as it did at that moment.

We played the chorus twice and filled the melody with as much strength as we could. As the guitars faded out, I let my eyes close and inhaled the memory of her scent; freesias and strawberries mixed with a sweetness that could only be described as _my Bella_. I knew my resolve was starting to crack and Alice smiled, acknowledging it. I couldn't keep this up much longer; I knew something had to give.

"Bella…" I whispered.

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**Song question for the chapter:** What one song reminds you of a specific friend, and why?


	5. Ch 5: Vagabond

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: Project Team Beta, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song reminds you of a specific friend.  
_My answer: The Cure – Hot Hot Hot. _  
Reminds me of my best friend of 11 years, SixX.

Chapter Playlist:  
Evanescence – My Immortal  
Evanescence – Lithium  
Evanescence – Like You  
The Cure – Pictures of You

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred **

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**Chapter 5  
BPOV  
Sunday December 11th, 2005**

"Hello," he whispered softly.

_How the hell did he find me? Never mind, dumb question, Bella, danger magnet and irresistible blood, remember?_

"I…" I managed to say, but I was at a loss for words, or how to react. I scrambled to pull the covers over my legs and up my chest to my chin, as if in doing so he would disappear. Panicked, I scooted away from his corner, but he just shook his head gently.

"You talk in your sleep, you know," he said nonchalantly. A smirk quickly spread across his lips as he tilted his head.

"Why are you here?" I swallowed and tried to sound braver than I was feeling. "Did you follow me?"

"_'Here'_ is not a very specific choice of words, and yes, I did follow you," he said calmly, still leaning against the wall in the corner, just barely out of the sunlight. "_My turn;_ you seem to know… _something_ and aren't acting very normal. Why is that?" He cocked his head to the other side and licked his lips, concealing his smile. I could make out the hint of a southern accent in his voice.

"I… I know what you are. I've known others before," my voice trembled. I studied his face more closely. It was chiseled with strong features and had a long jaw. His eyes glowed brightly, but I couldn't tell the exact hue from so far away.

He leaned away from the wall, but remained in the shadows. "Really? And what exactly am I?"

"A Vampire," I responded quickly, trying to hide any fear.

His mouth turned upwards into a grin as he took a step into the sunlight. Most of his body was covered in a dark leather coat and boots, but his hands and left cheek sparkled in the glint of the sun as he crossed the room towards me. His reddish-blonde hair caught in the sun, glowing in the orange, morning light, and I heard the faint thud of his boots on the wooden floor.

In three quick strides he was standing directly in front of my feet. I held my breath to keep from shuddering. I couldn't let him think that I was afraid, but I was still confused as to what he wanted. If he had wanted me out of thirst he would have acted while I had slept. But regardless, I've only ever been hurt by his kind, so I had valid reasons for my fear.

"You are most intriguing, Bella," he said my name slowly, letting the 'a' linger longer than necessary. He lowered himself into a squat and I noticed that there was a guitar strapped to his back as the neck of the instrument nearly touched the floor. He reached out with his left hand, his palm facing up as he smiled into my eyes. "I won't hurt you, I promise." He bowed his head slightly and let his hand rest in the air, as he waited for me to respond.

_This could be a trick. Maybe he enjoys the thrill of gaining someone's trust first, _my mind screamed at me. _What do I have to lose though?_ I reached out slowly and rested my right hand in his frigid palm and pulled the blanket up with me as I rose to my feet.

"Thank you," I whispered softly as I released his cold hand and held my blanket closer to me.

"The pleasure is mine," he stated.

I searched his expression, but it was blank. We stood in an awkward silence for a few moments before his lips lifted into a casual smile and his eyes creased at the corners. He reminded me of Alice.

"So would you like an answer to your first question, or have you lost interest suddenly?" His smile grew into a smirk.

I tilted my head and furrowed my brows in confusion. _Was he stalling for something? James had done this before – poking me, asking questions and instigating your curiosity before getting on with the task._ Somehow I felt that Garrett was different, but I still wasn't going to let my guard down. _It's not like I can run away, _I thought to myself.

"You asked why I was here," he said.

I closed my mouth and nodded._ Oh, right._

"Well, I am here in Forks because I followed your trail when the sun went down. However, when I got to what I'm guessing is your house, you weren't there. I knew that you had to have left recently because I could smell your trail, although I'm not the best of trackers," he added with a shrug of his shoulders. "However, the scent of other vampires caught my attention, so I decided to see where it led while I waited for you to return home, which led me _here_. Not to mention, the wet dog smell at your house was just repulsive," he chuckled as he scrunched up his nose in disgust.

"The — what?" I stuttered out in shock. _Wet dog? I don't own a dog._ Before I could even ask what he had meant, Garrett erupted in laughter.

"The things you focus on are amazing. You show more reaction about me smelling the wet dog, than why I followed you here, or who the other vampires are? You are one of a kind, Bella Swan." He continued to chuckle as he dug his hands into his black jean pockets.

"I know who the other vampires are, and I don't own a dog, so of course it caught my attention. But now that you bring it up, why did you follow me here?" I placed my hands on my hips, letting the blanket lay partially on the floor. I tilted my head to the side and quirked an eyebrow, determined to get some straight answers from this bizarre nomad before he decided to kill me.

"You know them then? Well I guess I shouldn't be surprised. I mean, I did find you where their scent seems to be concentrated. Interesting," he mumbled as he contemplated something.

I tilted my head to the opposite side and let out an annoyed sigh, trying to recapture his attention. He chuckled and looked back at me, his grin reaching his eyes.

"Oh! Right. Well, you just took off at the music store. I enjoyed playing with you. It isn't often I come across a human girl who walks right up to me and begins singing." His smile seemed to brighten the entire room and he rocked back on his heels.

"Oh…"

"So, how did you know them?" Garrett asked, noticing my unease.

"I, uh… well I used to… be with one of them. They were like an extended family," I responded slowly as the anguish crept out of my chest, waking the painful memories once again.

"Really? Did they think you have some sort of talent and wanted to change you, or were you more like a pet?"

"As… a girlfriend… and sister of sorts." My voice cracked as I tried to not show my bitterness at his comments.

"But how did he not… forgive me, I've never heard of such a thing," he apologized, waving his hand in gesture for me to dismiss his rudeness.

"It's okay," I replied slowly, looking down at my feet. "He and his family didn't follow normal dietary habits. They considered themselves… vegetarians." I shrugged my shoulders.

"Well, yes, but the constant desire for human blood does not go away with time alone. It must have been difficult for them all to not…" he trailed off, letting out a sigh as he extended his hand to my chin. His frigid fingers touched my flesh and I shivered.

"I apologize. I can see this is difficult for you. I shouldn't pry," he said. "It's just that I find you most fascinating, Bella. You seem to have no instinct for self-preservation." His fingers lifted my chin, forcing me to look at him, and I noticed his eyes in the sunlight for the first time.

"Your eyes… they're different. Almost like theirs, but not as golden." I stared at him with my mouth hanging open. _Did he follow a similar diet? Could he be a newborn who is trying to change his habits? What would cause his eyes to be that light jasper-stone color?_

"Yes, I usually drink animal blood. Though, I sometimes drink the tastier stuff," he said through a chuckle. "I haven't killed a human in over one-hundred years though," he added.

"But, then how—"

"I sometimes hit up a blood bank or somewhere with easy access when I get a sweet tooth. It has to be carefully warmed, but the extra work is worth it on occasion." He was still smiling as my jaw dropped in shock.

Of course; a blood bank or hospital could be like a vampire McDonald's: fast food kept cold and reheated before consumption. I could hear the jokes Emmett would make. I cringed at the memory of _them_ and curled my arms tightly around myself, dropping the blanket to the floor.

"I'm sorry, did I say something to upset you? It was not my intention," he said quickly, reaching out toward my left shoulder.

As his hand touched the cap of my arm, I could feel the extreme tenderness of the cuts beneath the thin fabric of my shirt. I flinched and pulled my arm away quickly and closed my eyes.

"My… apologies," he said, perturbed, "I sometimes forget my strength. It was not my intent to harm you."

"It wasn't your strength," I replied. I turned and looked back up at him with a shameful expression. "It's not your fault. I'm just very sensitive… to a lot of things…" my voice trailed off.

"Ah, well, we all have our dark secrets," he said, flashing a comforting smile. He lowered his glance to my shoulder and nodded before looking back in my eyes.

"I… how do you…" I stammered, embarrassed and confused.

"It's not that hard to smell a fresh wound, or feel the extreme heat that radiates near one. Did you think we just glitter and sip from tea cups?" He made a gesture with his right hand, pinching his thumb and index together as he raised his pinky, tilting an imaginary cup to his lips. The image made me chuckle quietly. Seeing me lighten up, he grinned and dropped the act. "How you kept things from _them_, however, is amazing," he added with a smirk.

"They didn't know… I never… not while they…" I mumbled as I turned my eyes downward to study the ground.

"Ah, so therein lies the secret. So, tell me of these 'vegetarians'." He adjusted the guitar strap so that the instrument was horizontal across his back, clasped his hands together in front of him as he crossed his legs at the ankle, and fell gracefully into a sitting position.

I turned my eyes to look out the window, avoiding his gaze as my heart pounded in my chest. I doubted that I had the strength to speak of _them_. It hurt enough just remembering their faces in my mind, but delaying the inevitable wouldn't make the pain stop any faster.

"They were a family—"

"A coven," he corrected me.

"No," I paused. "A _family_. Carlisle is the father, and a surgeon, and Esme is his wife. They have five '_foster'_ children. Emmett, Rosalie, Alice, Jasper, and…" I swallowed and took in a deep breath, "Edward."

"So they play as humans? _Interesting_. Why didn't I ever think of that?" he asked as he scratched idly at his chin.

"They go from place to place and relive the same life stories. Alice, Emmett and… Edward are siblings, fostered by their 'distant relatives', or 'family friends', Esme and Dr. Carlisle Cullen. Rosalie and Jasper pretend they are twins and foster kids as well. They start high school, and then go to college while Carlisle works nights in the local hospitals. On sunny days, they take 'hunting' or 'camping' trips as a family. Most humans don't seem to catch on, though, if they ever did, they would simply pack up and move somewhere else." My voice trembled each time that I said a name. I fixed my eyes on a tree across the small river outside the window and tried to steady my breathing and heart rate. _I can do this._

"Is that why they left Forks then? You discovered what they are?" He shifted his weight slightly, but I didn't turn to look at him.

"No… I already knew for a few months, and they were fine with it. They took me in as part of their family," I said quietly, shaking my head. "No, they left because he… moved on." My hands squeezed my ribs tighter; _because he doesn't want me._

"I don't mean to sound rude, but why did they leave, if he moved on? Why did they… spare you?" He reached his left hand out towards me, gesturing for me to take it and sit, but he didn't force contact this time.

I turned to look at his hand, slowly letting my gaze wander to his eyes. I sighed again, shaking my head. I'm sure he could see the sorrow that resided deep inside of me. "The Cullens simply don't believe in ever killing humans. They think humanity is precious and refuse to take a life, especially Carlisle. They probably would have refused to turn me as well if I had asked."

"But it is one of our only laws, that we cannot reveal our secret to the living. Leaving you alive would be dangerous for them. If you let what you know slip…" he trailed off, thinking to himself now.

"Does this mean you plan to kill me, then?" I turned my head and stared at him directly. He paused and blinked twice before he opened his mouth to respond.

"No. It was not _I_ who told you what we are, so it will not be _my_ punishment. Aro will see this conversation the moment he touches either of us. He has the talent to read your thoughts through touch; every thought you have ever had, or spoken."

"_He_ has a similar talent, but it doesn't work on me."

"Edward, really? Another telepath; how interesting."

"Except he doesn't need touch. He can hear anyone from over a mile away. I'm told it's very annoying…"

"I can only imagine," he chuckled.

"Do you have a talent?" I crossed my ankles and placed my palms down as I lowered myself to the floor. I stared into his eyes and noticed that he shifted uncomfortably. _He does. _My mind clicked into overdrive.

"I do, though most are intimidated by it," he responded. He took a deep sigh before he looked back up at me. A smile extended across his lips, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"To understand it better, my human life should be explained. I was twenty-three years old during the peak of the American Revolution. I often wrote and delivered the propaganda and speeches," he said as his smile grew more sentimental. "I was good at influencing people, but where I really flourished was helping people to decide things. For example: should I join the war, or should we attack from the West with full force, or should I keep the General's secret. People always have to make decisions, and I was always there to help persuade them. While I would often use it for my own benefit, it came from the ability to see the situations from all angles, and make the best decision."

He took a deep breath and turned his head to look out the window. His smile faded as his eyes held an unfocused gaze at something in the far distance.

"When I was changed, it developed into the ability to see peoples' choices and guide them in whichever direction I chose," he admitted, moving his focus to his hands.

"So you influence decisions," I said, perhaps over-simplifying the situation. Then, the full capability of his talent hit me and I flew up, jumping to my feet. _He can control people. _My heart thudded wildly in my chest. _Does this mean he can make me do things, like cry, or run, or kill? _Panic flooded my system and I looked at him with wide eyes. I noticed he hadn't moved at all except for closing his rusty orange orbs. The smile was no longer spread across his face and he seemed bothered by something. The braver side of me reached forward as I leaned onto my knees.

"Can you influence my decisions?" I said slowly, controlling the tone of my voice.

"Yes… and no," he replied quietly. His head turned towards me and he took a breath as he opened his eyes. "I find you incredibly frustrating. I can't always sense your options until just before you make your decision. Sometimes I can't sense them at all, and even when I can, they are incredibly hard to change," he admitted as he stared directly into my eyes with a confused look.

"When have you changed my decision against my will?"

"Just twice, both were at the music store. Once was when you first approached me, trying to decide if you should sing. The second time was when you shared your poetry during my second song," he answered without looking away. I realized he was trying to be blatantly honest with me.

"When else have you tried, or not been able to see the choices?" I asked.

"All of today, for example. I can barely even sense your choices before you decide. Yesterday I could sense them, but I couldn't change them," a gentle smile formed across his lips. "Especially when you ran away."

"Oh," I said. I felt slightly embarrassed.

"You are very unique, Bella. I've never had a core so difficult to sense before."

I looked at him quickly with a puzzled expression. "What do you mean, core?"

"I sense people by their 'essence' or 'core' or 'being'; whatever you chose to view it as. Everyone's _core being_ is different and it is _there_ that I sense their decisions and internal struggles. _Yours_," he waved his hand, gesturing toward my chest, "is very dim and difficult to sense most of the time. It's almost like you are so certain of your decisions, of who you are and of your options, that there is very little struggle inside of you."

A laugh escaped my lips and I rushed my hand to cover my mouth. "I'm sorry, I just find that ironic. I'm always struggling over if I can or can't do something, always feeling so weak and fragile. I may be stubborn, but I'm _not_ 'sure of myself'," I said, stifling another laugh.

"Well, perhaps it is some gift granted to you for protection then," he said with a smile and stood. He outstretched his hand to me in chivalrous manner and I contemplated asking him more, but decided that it might be more taxing on my emotions than I was prepared to handle at that moment. I realized that I had just made a decision and my eyes flew up to him as I searched for any sign that he saw it. His lips were curled upward in a grin as he shrugged his shoulders, nonchalantly.

_Damn, this is going to take some getting used to._

_./._

The day after Garrett followed me to Forks, Jacob came to my house in the middle of the night. He even crawled through my freaking window, almost scaring me to death.

"What the hell are you doing, Jake?" I gasped, startled.

He tried to shush me. "Quiet, Bells. I'm just here to talk."

"What do you have to talk about that can't wait until normal visiting hours?"

"Look, Bells, you can't go out into the forest, or even leave the house. I can't really explain this right now, but please just trust me," he pleaded.

"What? Why not? I'm going to need more of a reason than 'just trust me' from some boy climbing in my window, Jake. I know we used to play as kids, but I barely know you. Trust isn't something you are born with, it's something you earn." I crossed my arms over my chest and waited for him to elaborate.

"It's just not _safe _right now. I'm only looking out for you."

"Not _safe _for me? Such sound advice coming from a boy who is climbing in people's windows. You sound just like…" I stopped, abruptly.

It all clicked. _How could I be so stupid? Obviously if one supernatural creature existed, then they both were real. _The story of the Cold Ones and the legends of the tribe echoed in my mind. Each little piece fell into place, and I gasped.

"Look, Jake. You're a good guy. I know my father is really fond of you, but you can't crawl in my window and tell me what I can or cannot do. I'm eighteen. Charlie doesn't even have that kind of control over my life anymore. If this is about Garrett, I can assure you he isn't a dangerous vampire; he leads the same kind of life the Cullens lead. So you can stop worrying, and go back to pissing in your own territory." I stared at him intently, verbally putting my foot down. Jake's mouth was dangerously close to unhinging itself as he blinked rapidly, speechless.

"How do you know, Bella?" he asked slowly, still stunned.

"How do I know what, Jake? That he is a vampire, or that he isn't dangerous?"

"Both."

"You told me about the Cullens being vampires. I've known what they were, and I know Garrett isn't dangerous because he doesn't drink from humans either. The Cullens' choices aren't so weird, Jake," I explained. He had been the one who told me, so why was he confused that I knew so much?

"So, you know what _I_ am, then?" He looked down at his feet. I could have sworn that he blushed, but it was too dark to be certain.

"If you're part of the legends, then sure, you're a wolf. I'm guessing just like vampires have covens, you have a pack?" I asked.

"Uh, yeah… we do. But I still wish you wouldn't go near Garrett. He isn't part of the same treaty, and we have the right to destroy him if we cross paths."

"What are you talking about? What treaty?" I asked, confused.

"Well, the last time the Cullens lived here, they made a treaty with my grandfather. They would never bite or kill a human, or cross onto our territory, and we would never expose what they were or kill them. But Garrett isn't a part of that treaty just because he doesn't drink from humans," he explained. He was shifting back and forth from foot to foot. I could tell he was nervous.

"Well then, make a new treaty with Garrett. I'm sure he would agree to the terms. He is my friend, Jake, and I won't stop being friends just because some stupid wolf pack thinks they can control my life," I replied angrily. I think that it shocked him that I spoke so plainly of what they were. For the second time in less than five minutes, his jaw dropped.

"But Bella—"

"No, Jake. You listen to me. I don't care about a stupid treaty. Can't you just ask your father to drop this nonsense? This is stupid; it's not like a war."

"My father isn't in charge of the treaties amongst vampires and wolves, Bells," he said quietly. He seemed pained over this tidbit of information.

"Then who is? I'll talk to them," I said confidently as I climbed out of bed. Jake shifted his weight nervously and looked out the window. He let out a sigh and looked back at me.

"Sam is. He is Alpha of the pack."

"Sam Uley? That giant kid that found me?" I was a little shocked. He had no ties to the Elders of the reservation that I had ever heard of. What made him in charge?

"Yeah. He was the first to change, so he is Alpha. The rest of us have to obey his orders, and that includes the reservation and its Elders," he said as he glanced back out the window again.

I took a step towards Jake and looked more directly out the window. I could see a few moving shadows by the edge of the woods across the street. _They put him up to this. _I grabbed my coat and turned on my heel. I could hear Jake protest behind me, asking me to stop, but I ignored his pleas. I headed down the stairs and walked straight out the front door, marching across the street, right up to Sam Uley and three other boys I didn't recognize.

"You listen to me," I said firmly, balling my fists up. "Garrett is my friend, and I trust him," I exclaimed.

"Trust him like you trusted that Cullen kid?" the shorter one on Sam's left said. I glared at him, not letting him see the pain such a simple comment caused.

"Bella, I know you think he is your friend, but he is what he is, and none of them can be trusted. Don't you think you have been hurt enough? We are only trying to protect you," Sam said calmly.

"How are they any worse than you? You seek to kill them when they have done nothing wrong! How does that make you any better?"

"They are killers, Bella. Their kind is naturally drawn to taking human life. We are here to protect the humans, not harm them," Sam said.

"Besides, why would you want to be friends with more bloodsuckers when the first ones abandoned you without thinking twice about it?" the short one said. Sam told him to shut up, but he just kept going. All I could feel was the pain and anger as it rose from my chest. I unclenched my fist and brought my hand across the boy's face, hard. A loud, wet pop rang out in the night as I tried to steady myself. My hand stung from the contact, and my body shook with anger.

"Paul, don't!" Sam yelled, but he didn't move to do anything. The boy I slapped was shaking violently, taking ragged breaths through his gritted teeth as he glared at me with such anger. I took a few quick steps back and stared, wide eyed. A ripping noise pierced my ears as his flesh mangled and changed into fur before my eyes. Standing before me was a massive tan and chocolate colored wolf, with pitch black eyes.

More ripping and snarling sounds came from beside me as Jake shape-shifted and attacked Paul. The two of them went tumbling down the slight ditch beside the road and into the cover of trees. They continued the fight in the forest; the faint snarls and growls grew quieter as they went further in. _How are they any safer than a vampire? I could have been shredded to pieces._ I shook my head and looked back up at Sam who clearly mirrored my thoughts.

"Sorry you had to see that, Bella. Paul is still having trouble controlling his anger. He had no right to say those things, but you really shouldn't have slapped him," Sam explained. The two boys on either side of Sam both snickered and exchanged glances. Sam sighed and rolled his eyes, but a smile gave away that he wasn't truly angry.

"I can see that you aren't going to drop this mess, but I'm having a hard time accepting this other vampire so easily. I hope you can understand that. The Cullens were more like a family than a coven, and the Blacks believed that they wouldn't drink from humans. I can't be so sure about this Garrett." Sam shifted his feet and sighed.

"You think of me as one of the Cullens, right? They thought of me as part of their family, so that makes me family, right?"

"I guess. Why?"

"Well, then I extend my family to Garrett. He is like a brother to me. I'd be lost without him," I explained.

Sam sighed and nodded his head. "I understand, Bella. Alright, fine. But he stays at the Cullens' place. No going into town. No coming onto our territory, and no drinking from humans. Make sure he understands the rules, or we _will_ have the right to destroy him."

I agreed to the terms, said my thanks, and walked back inside. My dreams were filled with wolves and vampires and boys all arguing until I screamed stop, waking myself up. I couldn't get back to sleep, and it was five in the morning. I packed my bag for school, wrote a note to Charlie, and left to visit Garrett for a short while before I had to be at class.

I told Garrett of the Quileute tribe and the Cullens' treaty. I explained that by me being considered part of the Cullen's family that I then extended the treaty to him if I embraced him as my family. It was the only way Sam would agree, but I think that it shocked him more than Sam or even Jake. Garrett seemed touched that I would defend him so quickly. I shrugged it off, and told him I would visit later.

./.

That weekend, I went to the Cullens' house to visit Garrett again instead of going to the winter dance. He taught me to play the piano and guitar. He knew the guitar better, but I seemed to pick up the keys faster than the strings.

The day after Christmas, I had gone to see him really early in the morning. I told him I couldn't sleep and he tried to play some soft music on the guitar to relax me, but it only reminded me of my Lullaby. That morning I told him about _our_ relationship, and how _he_ had composed a lullaby for me. When Garrett asked me to hum it for him, it caught me off guard. I sat contemplating if I really wanted to share that part of me. I knew Garrett could sense my decision wavering, but he sat and waited with me patiently. After a few moments of silence I decided to do it and hummed the lullaby for him that I knew so well. Once I finished the song, I wrapped my arms tighter around myself and wasn't able to feel my fingers anymore due to gripping so hard.

Garrett reached for his guitar and positioned it on his lap as he reached across to me to lift my chin to look him in the eyes. "Sing whatever comes to your heart. You don't have to fill every space, just the words that fit. _Only_ the words that fit and _nothing_ else," he told me.

With that, he took his hand away from my face and strummed the guitar, matching the exact melody of my lullaby on his acoustic. The sound was slightly different, but the pitch and the rhythm matched note for note. I stared at him, amazed for a brief moment before he nodded his head at me with a smile, encouraging me to sing.

_"I'm so tired of being here, suppressed by all my childish fears," _I sang so quietly that I could barely hear myself. My body trembled violently as I let the sorrow of my memories fill my mind, pulling the words from the depth of my pain.

_"And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone."_

Garrett continued to play, though I sang no more words until a third of the way through the song. I simply sat in silence as I rocked myself gently back and forth, with the images of _him_ in my mind as he turned and left me in the forest. I watched him leave me over and over again.

I opened my mouth and a gentle sigh escaped before I sang again.

_"You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now, I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me."_

My tears fell from my eyes as I felt the hollow part of my chest ache with longing. I was forever terrified to fall asleep because I knew that he would be in my dreams, and that he would disappear when the sun would undoubtedly rise the next day.

Garrett watched me as his fingers moved over the frets, filling the empty house with the echo of the lullaby. As the song reached the crescendo, I shook stronger than before. I was so angry inside that he could simply change his mind and leave me. _Didn't he know how much I loved him, or how much he destroyed me?_ No matter how many times that I told myself he didn't want me, I knew that I would always want him. He had a piece of me that I could never get back and that I would never want to own again. It belonged to him, whether he returned the feelings or not.

_"I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me, I've been alone all along,"_ my voice cried out, and as I reached the end of my breath I gasped and trembled as I rolled over onto my side to the floor.

Garrett had set his guitar on the floor and knelt at my side while he stroked my hair. He never said anything to me when I became so emotional. It's like he knew that I just needed to get it out and feel it and deal with it. As much as I had wanted to numb the burning inside my heart, I knew that nothing would ever make it go away permanently.

I continued to visit Garrett during the afternoons while Charlie was at work, or fished, and always returned during sundown to prepare Charlie's dinner. The few days that I didn't go were the days that the burning pain was just so strong inside me that I didn't get out of bed. I screamed into my pillow, choking on my own tears and panicked gasps. These were also the days that I would cut, and I didn't want to tempt Garrett by being around him when I had fresh wounds.

I wrote so many songs about the pain of being alone, or the feeling the cutting brought. When I visited Garrett, I shared the new lyrics with him and he would compose the music to match the rhythm in my head. As I got better at the piano, he composed a secondary instrumental track that I played to accompany the guitar. With practice, I learned to play as I sang, though it was only with simple melodies. I only played slightly more complicated pieces if I didn't sing at the same time and the notes were repetitive.

Our favorite songs were all written in the same twenty-four hours. I had lied to Charlie and told him that I was staying with Angela for a few days before New Year's. I had stayed the entire night at the Cullens' house with Garrett, his guitar, and the grand piano. That night we wrote and composed three songs. The first dealt with my habit of cutting. I had never meant to share my secret with anyone, but Garrett didn't push me to share and I loved that about him.

He was playing around with a few power chords and transitions that night and I tried to match the tempo on the piano. That was how he first taught me the scale, and different combinations and variations of simple composing.

I hummed the vocal harmony of the song, until the second pass. My desperation to hide the real purpose behind the words was pathetic, but I rationalized it by thinking that it added to the poetic nature of the song. I sang of lithium and my addiction to the numbness it brought me.

_"Here in the darkness I know myself, Can't break free until I let it go, let me go!" _My fingers crashed down heavier on the simple keys as I played. When the song ended, Garrett sat there with a solemn expression.

I hadn't moved from the bench when the next song started to pour through my fingertips. I moved my hands slowly over the keys and kept the rhythm simplistic as I sang. Half way into the first verse, Garrett joined me with a lush guitar backing, and it sounded like he had doused the melody in a vat of remorse and sorrow.

_"I hate me for breathing without you. I don't want to feel any more for you,"_ my voice declared with sadness. The amount of stabbing pain that built up in my chest was unbelievable.

_"Grieving for you, I'm not grieving for you. Nothing real love can't undo," _my voice trailed off as I pushed into the chorus. The song filled with hurt and longing as it continued, and even reached a painful anger towards the end before I played the simplistic keys on the piano again.

When I had finally fallen asleep, Garrett had left to hunt up near the Canadian border. I knew he was nothing like Jasper, but I also knew that my emotions must be hard on him in some ways. He always grew quiet after a song had finished and became detached. He still hadn't told me much of his past experiences in his two-hundred-thirty years as a vampire.

When I woke, I realized how much better I felt. I didn't have any dreams or nightmares of any kind for the first time in a long time. I was even thinking more uplifting thoughts as I wandered downstairs to the kitchen where my stash of cereal, milk, and Pop Tarts were. I poured myself a bowl of sugary carbohydrates, and took a seat on the bar stool.

I felt the air shift as a cold chill passed through the room. I turned and looked over at the door and saw Garrett leaning against the wall. He smelled of wood and smoke and I wondered what I smelled like to a vampire. I was still staring at him as I blinked rapidly. I shifted my gaze back to my bowl of cereal.

"Is something on your mind, Bella?" Hearing my name caused chills to run up my spine.

"Just thinking random thoughts, sorry." I shook my head as if it would clear the thoughts.

He chuckled. "Whatever it is, you don't have to hide it from me."

"I know. It's stupid anyway. I don't know where my mind comes up with some of my thoughts."

"I find your mind incredibly intriguing. In my two and a half centuries of being on this planet, I haven't found anyone as interesting as you." He smiled as he took a step toward me at the bar.

"I… I was just wondering what I smell like to your kind. I noticed you all have very specific scents and I just find myself curious."

"Freesias, lavender, and a hint of strawberries," he said through a grin as he moved closer to me.

"Oh… uh… okay," I mumbled and bit my lip.

"Well?"

"Well, what?" I asked, confused.

"What do I smell like to you, little human?" He teased me playfully as he pulled a stool out and sat down. He rested his elbows on the counter top and studied me.

"Oh, uh, a strange type of smoke and some kind of wood."

"Interesting, I've been told that before," he said casually as he looked at my cereal bowl.

"Oh," I said, blushing. "Why do you think we smell the way we do? It can't be blood, because you don't have any of your own."

"I think it has to do with our cores. It's the part that makes us who we are inside. Our cores dictate our behavior, our emotions, reactions, methods, habits, memories, tastes and smells. However, the strawberry is an additive because of your choice in beauty products," he said with a grin as he poked at my cereal bowl, watching the milk as it splashed from side to side.

"Oh," I blushed and looked down. I took a few more bites before I pushed it a few inches away. "So your core is smoke and wood?"

He chuckled before looking at me to respond. "Yes, well, I've been told I smell of clove and cedar before. Though I've always smoked cloves and carried a guitar, so I thought nothing of it for years. It wasn't until around the nineteen-hundreds that I started wondering about souls, cores, and essences that I began with my theories."

"Ah, yeah that makes sense— the clove and cedar I mean. Why would you smell so much stronger of clove now, than before though?"

"Well, because I was just outside smoking a clove, Bella. I smell just like any other smoker, I would assume," he said in a matter of fact tone.

"What? But vampires can't smoke." I chuckled_. He must be toying with me again_, I thought to myself.

"Says who?" He laughed and shook his head. "Of course we can, Bella. We can breathe, therefore we can smoke. However, unlike humans, it does nothing to our mind receptors, or our lungs. I smoke simply out of habit and choice, and like the Cullens, because it serves as a way to help me blend in more effectively while out in public."

It never would have occurred to me that a vampire could smoke if Garrett hadn't brought it up, though I couldn't disagree with his logic. It simply wasn't something that I ever would have thought about.

I sat at the bar in the kitchen for a few more minutes and thought about other things that vampires must be able to do without any consequences. Somehow, I managed to let my mind to wander to _him _and his comment to me about distractions.

I was startled from my daze suddenly as the scraping of the bar stool on the tile floor filled my ears. I looked up to see Garrett as he held his hand out to me, offering his assistance in helping me down. I took his hand, but stared at the ground, not wanting him to see the hurt in my eyes.

As we walked into the entry room with the grand piano, I stopped and stared. My eyes shifted from the stairs to the wall where the vase and table once sat before my body crashed into them, creating a massive mess of blood and glass. I shut my eyes tightly in hopes of blocking the memory, but more images flooded my mind, like _him _kissing the top of my head as Alice took our photograph on my birthday. A soft moan escaped my lips as I held onto my sides tightly and shuddered.

Garrett's hand touched my shoulder gently as I opened my eyes to look up at him. His bright smile reminded me of Emmett and Jasper as they picked on their youngest brother. The happy memories of the entire Cullen family fluttered through my mind as I felt myself let out another deep sigh. A feeling of contentment was present in my chest as I smiled back at Garrett.

"Do you want to try getting it out? Playing it on the piano?" he asked.

I shook my head and focused on the foreign feelings that ran through my body. "It's more of a guitar song, really and a bit more upbeat than I think I'm capable of," I admitted and looked down at my hands.

He reached around and pulled on the neck of the guitar, spinning the strap around so the acoustic rested against his abdomen. He smiled casually with his hint of charm as I watched a crease form at the corners of his eyes.

"Just say the words out loud. Find a rhythm with your body, and let everything else flow," he said, instructing me.

"Alright," I managed to say through a gulp. I crossed my feet at my ankles, lowered myself to the floor and rested my back against the wall. I watched as Garrett mimicked my actions, sitting across from me as he leaned into the guitar on his lap.

I rocked my shoulders and torso forward and backward slowly as I recalled the words in my mind. They danced around my mind while I tried to remember when they had first come to me. After a few moments, I remembered that it was ever since I saw Garrett the first time less than a month ago. He reminded me so much of _him. _It was his gaze, and how he seemed to look right into me and still managed to smile at the mess he saw inside. _He _used to smile like that.

The fact that they both shared a similar lifestyle was also a key ingredient in the sudden shift in my memories. I didn't feel drawn to Garrett the same way though, and I knew deep down why that was; I could never love anyone the same way that I loved _him_. I took another breath and swallowed my fears. A dull ache from deep inside pressured me to just spit the words out. I closed my eyes and brought _his _face into my mind.

_"I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they're real."_ I raised my right hand to my face, as my fingers traced the outsides of my right eye. I gently pressed them tighter into the hollow of my eyelids and dragged outwards to my temple. Slowly, my lips formed a gentle smile.

I sang the next line and it was nearly identical to the first. I tapped my left hand against my thigh as I found a rhythm. As I took another breath, preparing myself for the next line, Garrett strummed the chords of his guitar quietly. The notes were very light and felt so free, but reminiscent.

_"And we kissed as the sky fell in, holding you close, how I always held close in your fear."_ Surprisingly, my smile lingered on my face as I brought forth more images from my memories of _him_ and me during our happiest times. _His _smile could always take my breath away. I hadn't let myself think of those memories in over three months, but somehow I had found the courage today.

My voice sang louder with each new line while Garrett mimicked the change, growing louder as well and added more flourishes to each chord. His musical abilities were amazing, and I envied his remarkable talent to play so effortlessly.

My hands reached down and clutched at the knees of my jeans as I gained confidence in my words.

_"And I screamed at the make-believe, screamed at the sky, and you finally found all your courage to let it all go," _my voice rang out louder than ever before. I continued to carry on through the melody without breaking until near the end. The images were slowly shifting from happy memories of us, to the painful memories of when I was alone in the woods. I could hear Garrett as he shifted into something louder and I wrapped my arms forcefully around myself.

_"If only I'd thought of the right words, I could have held onto your heart,"_ I gasped and stuttered out the last few words in agony. _"If only I'd thought of the right words, I wouldn't be breaking apart all my pictures of you." _I was physically trembling as my eyes shut so tightly that I could feel the creases on my forehead.

_"Dudoot dudoot dudoot dudoot doot doot," _Garrett whispered softly and played a slow descent from the crescendo into a rhythm that matched the previous verses. His palm slapped against the acoustic gently making a hollow thud between each repetition of the chord. I could feel his eyes on me, but I still didn't dare open mine. I repeated a similar version to the first verse very quietly as I tried to steady my breathing. I could feel a sob deep inside of my chest, but I hugged tighter at my sides in hopes of keeping it at bay.

_"There was nothing in the world that I ever wanted more, than to never feel the breaking apart all my pictures of you,"_ I sang, as my sorrow lingered on the line. I dropped my head lower, and began rocking back and forth as Garrett continued the melody into a simple repetition before it faded out. A few seconds of complete silence hung over the barren room.

"That was wonderful, Bella. You have such an incredible talent with words," he said, breaking the silence. "However, I think I just found another reason to avoid ever drinking your blood," he added.

My eyes darted open and I looked up. "Wh-What?"

He chuckled as he shook his head slowly. "I'm afraid that if I ever drink your blood that sorrow of yours will seep into my mind and I'll never be happy again," he said with a bright smile.

"Ha-Ha. Gee, thanks. Make fun of the emo kid," I said bitterly as I turned to the side to avoid his taunting.

"It's a joke, Bella. Your lyrics are very powerful," he said with less sarcasm. "I'm beginning to see the damage this Cullen boy did to you," he added. I felt his eyes as they searched my face, but I refused to turn and face him.

_Boy?_ A simple _boy_ couldn't crush me entirely like _he _had. He was truly _my everything_; _He is my everything_. Even though I knew in my heart that he would never want me, my heart would always be his. No one could ever fill that void in my chest. Nothing but death could ever put a stop to the ache. I remembered how much I used to beg for eternity, but eternity would be the equivalent of hell to me now. I was thankful that _he_ never turned me, now that I could see how quickly he would have gotten bored of me. I quickly turned back and faced Garrett.

"Promise me something," I said quickly with a serious expression. I searched his face for any kind of agreement, but found confusion instead. "Please, promise me one thing," I said again with more of a pleading tone.

"Alright," he said skeptically. "What is it I'm promising?"

"Promise me, if you ever lose control and decide to drink from me," I paused and tried to find the right words, "promise you will finish me, and not let me become like you." My head lifted to fully meet his gaze. His expression still showed little of his thoughts to me.

"Alright, Bella, I promise if I ever slip up, I will finish the job. But," he paused and scooted closer towards me, "why, may I ask?"

"Because… I…" I let out deep sigh and looked away as I bit my lower lip. "I don't want to spend eternity knowing I'm not wanted. A lifetime is already more than I think that I can bear." My arm immediately wrapped around my torso.

_I can't hold myself together forever; I can barely hold myself together now._

_

* * *

_

**Song question for the chapter: **What one song ALWAYS makes you smile, and want to dance?


	6. Ch 6: Neoteric

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song ALWAYS makes you smile.  
_My answer: Blind Melon – No Rain. _  
Just thinking of the guitar intro and melody, I smile and dance. No matter what. Every time.

Chapter Playlist:  
Dave Matthews Band – Crush  
30 Seconds to Mars – Was it a Dream  
Depeche Mode – A Pain That I'm Used To

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**Chapter 6  
EPOV  
Saturday December 24th, 2005**

Jasper and I glanced at each other suspiciously. Neither one of us could tell if Alice had managed to figure out what her Christmas present was going to be. We'd been working as a team to keep changing our minds while we absentmindedly worked on her real present under the 'intentions' of something else. It was a genius plan, but we weren't certain if we had pulled it off successfully or not.

When we first received Jasper's guitar, I felt really apprehensive about him teaching _me _anything. After Alice pushed and begged me to give it a shot, I finally gave in. I'd learned to play the instrument rather quickly, but found I preferred the bass rhythms over the guitar chords. Alice had taken up a flurry of instruments in order to be involved in everything she could. So far, she'd mastered the Cajon box-drum and the small digital mixer, but she was still working on the violin. We tried to tell her we didn't really need a violin, but she insisted it would be important at some point, although she just couldn't see when exactly.

We avoided any kind of talk or decision on when we would play, or which song. I got the vague impression that Alice knew something musical was in store for her though. She had been keeping her visions from me, only letting me see glimpses of things by accident.

The girls were out doing some last minute shopping while Jasper, Emmett, and I finished the final touches on the decorations. The Denali sisters had decided to take advantage of our close proximity this year and spend the holiday with us. Due to work schedules, Eleazar and Carmen wouldn't be joining us until Christmas day.

As we were wrapping up the run-through of the most recent instrumental we had been working on, I heard the girls' thoughts as they drove up to the house.

'_I hope Emmett doesn't ruin this Christmas with his singing and jokes like he always does. We have people staying with us, and I really don't want to have to drag him off by his…'_

I shook my head, as if it would remove my sisters' thoughts from my mind, but of course, it did me no good. Jasper looked up quickly, and a giant smile spread across his lips. He sat his acoustic down and was at the door holding it open in a flash. I shifted in my seat and laid my acoustic down across the sofa and stood. I watched the women as they carried in shopping bags of all colors and sizes.

Alice was beaming at Jasper as she stretched onto her toes to give him a quick kiss. I turned my head and looked away, only to be greeted by Carlisle embracing Esme. I shifted my weight again and looked back at the instrument on the sofa. _I can't fault them for their love,_ I thought. I wasn't certain how much longer I could hold the pain in.

"I'd love to hear you boys play again. It's been so lovely having music fill the house once more," Esme said quietly as she tightened her hold on Carlisle and looked at me.

Jasper glanced at me, then at Alice, and walked back over to the sofa where he had been sitting.

"Alright, whatever the lovely lady wants, the lovely lady gets," he said with a smirk. He patted the seat next to him and eyed Alice. She glided over to his side in an instant and wrapped her arms around his neck as she kissed his temple. She released him and looked over at me with a bright smile.

"Play the new one you two have been working on," she pleaded.

Jasper nodded his head as the guitar chords echoed throughout the room. I instantly started my part on the acoustic as I tapped my foot to keep rhythm, but I nearly missed my beat when I heard Jasper start to sing. Having missed only two notes, I looked up quickly and saw Jasper staring into Alice's eyes. She had a look of pure shock and devotion on her face.

Her thoughts of love and passion flowed through her. '_This must be what they had planned! Oh my… I never could have imagined him singing to me like this.'_

The words poured out of his mind, filling the room with a liquid coating of admiration and total devotion. His feelings were over flowing and everyone in the room could feel the love radiating between the two of them. Alice and Jasper's eyes were locked on one another, if I hadn't been helping to deliver this present to my sister, I would have fled the room, not wanting to intrude upon their private moment.

"_Am I right side up or upside down, and is this real, or am I dreaming?"_ Jasper sang and let the last word ring out with a deep purr from his chest.

I didn't need to Jasper's talent to know what was flowing between the two of them. We began the instrumental bridge of the melody and Jasper was putting all of his focus and creativity into playing louder and with more emphasis than we had practiced before. He was always a god when it came to improvising a melody or solo on the guitar. I could hear the tune he was striving for in his mind and I slapped at the bass as I fingered the strings, matching his beat.

As we slowed the acoustics' sound, Jasper turned back to Alice and stared into her shining eyes. If she could cry, tears would have been flowing down her face. Her mind had gone entirely blank. Jasper tilted his head down, looking up at Alice through his eyelashes as he began the next verse.

"_Lovely lady, let me drink you please. I won't spill a drop no, I promise you. Laying under this spell you cast on me; each moment, the more I love you. Crush me," _his voice lingered on each pause, while the occasional purr would sound from within him as he sang.

I could hear Alice gasp as his purr became more prominent. Her hand flew to her lips where she was trembling gently. Her thoughts were quiet and filled with love. '_Oh Jasper…'_

_./.  
_

When we finished the song, I ran. It was all I could do to escape the love that was filling the thoughts of nearly everyone around me. A piece of me felt guilty for leaving the Denali sisters there with my family, but none of them could read minds. Besides, I was pretty sure they could find loud enough music to drown out most of the gasps and sighs that would be filling the house, but nothing could truly filter out their thoughts.

Part of me was happy we had surprised Alice for once, and that she enjoyed her present. The other part of me, however, was very bothered by the emptiness I felt and I was overloaded by all of the emotions. I couldn't berate my siblings for enjoying what their life had granted them, but I couldn't help being jealous and bitter because of it.

_Bella, _my mind repeated.

_Bella. Bella. Bella. _

My insides seared as the hole in my chest flared up. I was doing my best to move forward and lock up the torment inside me, but even music and time weren't helping. I knew I was lying to myself by thinking that just giving myself time, and a simple distraction would help me move on. The pain only seemed to grow stronger the more I denied its presence.

Carlisle tried to tell me Bella and I were soul mates, and that this pain would never dull, only grow stronger. However, I refused to even think that a monster such as myself, and _my kind_ were capable of having a soul. No God would grace a degenerate such as me with the perfection and beauty of having a soul, _and_ someone to share it with. I may believe in vampires mating for life, but I did not share Carlisle's thoughts about the soul.

I walked along the frozen river bank a few miles from the house with my acoustic strapped to my back. The snow was falling gently as the wind blew against my face. I knew I should spend my time hunting, but I really didn't feel like quenching the thirst that reminded me of what I truly was, or why I could never go back. Sometimes I looked back on those few months I had spent with her in Forks and thought it had all been an illusion, a day dream. _Perhaps it was God's way of reminding me of exactly what I don't deserve_.

I leaned against a snow covered tree and stared at the icy path the river hid beneath. Recalling one of our recent instrumentals, I settled the acoustic in front of me and began to pull at the strings. My hand slapped quietly against the wooden frame as I strummed the chords. After the second play through the intro, the words formed in my mind. I whispered the first two lines quietly, reluctant to admit them to myself out loud. I continued the melody as I pushed into the next two lines.

"_My intentions never change. What I want still stays the same. And I know what I should do; it's time to set myself on fire," _my voice lingered on the last word as I played louder. The echo of the acoustic rang out as my palm briefly touched the body of the instrument again. I closed my eyes, and sang the chorus louder and with so much pain as the image of her face came to me.

"_Was it a dream? Was it a dream? Is this the only evidence that proves it; a photograph of you and I."_I slowed the rhythm, crawling back into the tempo of the verse. I opened my eyes to rid my mind of her face. _Imagining her is doing you no good, _I told myself.

"_Your reflection I've erased, like a thousand burned out yesterdays. Believe me when I say goodbye - forever is for good."_ I trembled and my voice cracked as I repeated the last three words. I slapped at the chords again, firmer than before. The thought of breaking the instrument occurred to me, so I softened my blows slightly, but continued with the emphasis on the strings. I repeated the chorus, willing myself to believe in my own words.

As I reached the end of the new song, I took a deep breath and slid to the base of the tree trunk. I released the guitar, setting it against the trunk, and stared up at the sky. The venom pricked at my eyes, and I wished I could shed the pain with tears. The pressure in my chest, behind my eyes, and in my mind pressed down on me like a ton of bricks. I let out a guttural scream, clutching at the snow beneath me.

"Bella, my _Bella_. I'm so sorry…" I mumbled through sobs and leaned to my right as I fell into the snow in a fetal position. I curled my knees into myself and lay in the snow, letting the winter bury me alive.

./.

'_Damn it dude! Why the hell would he still be out here after so long? It's been almost two days. TWO DAYS EDWARD and its Christmas! I've been singing all day! You're missing it man! If you can even hear me; I swear to God don't make me sing Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer! I'll sing it MY way too!_' My brother's thoughts called out to me, searching for me.

I blinked and shifted my body. I tilted my head slightly, and noticed there was a subtle pressure on my entire body. It wasn't holding me in place, or constricting me, it had just simply settled over me. I moved the arm beneath my ribcage, and noticed that the pressure was due to the inches of snow that was layered on top of me. I had been lying there thinking of my Bella and hurting too much to move.

'_Dude, we've only been back a few days and you take off! You didn't even open presents yet! Alice refused to come and get you, rambling about it not being time or some shit, but I'm not waiting any longer for you, and I wanted to open my presents. Damn pixie. Come on man, where in the hell are you?'_ Emmett continued to ramble.

I mumbled through the snow as I pulled myself up into a sitting position. I looked to my right and noticed the top of the guitar frets sticking out of the snow. I sighed and moaned. _Great, _that_ acoustic is ruined._

"There you are, man. Come on! Everyone is waiting. You're holding up the wrapping paper party!" Emmett stopped a few feet short of me, and stared with his jaw dropped. "Whoa dude, you look like hell, frozen over! You're really torn up, aren't you?" He shook his head as he watched me stand.

I hadn't spent much time with Emmett since the week we all left Forks. He and Rosalie didn't follow us to Alaska. When they both returned the week before Christmas, I kept my distance. He spent a lot of time at the Denali house with Rose, visiting the sisters. I wished he hadn't been the one to find me out here. As I walked to pass him, leaving the guitar where it was, he clapped me on the shoulder.

"Eddie, dude, seriously—"

"I don't want to talk, Emmett," I growled out. "Please," I said softer.

"Whoa. Okay," he paused, cautiously. _'If you are this hung up about it, why don't you just go back to her?'_ he thought.

I spun on my heel and glared at him. His hands flew up in the air in surrender.

"Sorry, sorry. Dropping it. It's dropped. I swear." He traced an 'x' over his heart like a boy in a giant's body. He waited for me to turn and start running before he moved. After a few seconds, he followed, singing random Christmas songs in his head in an exceptionally obnoxious way. I knew he was hiding something, but didn't really care what it was. _It was probably about the gifts, knowing him._

It took us less than ten minutes to reach the house and Emmett sang carols the entire way. This wasn't going to be a good Christmas; I was already in a bad mood, and my brother wasn't helping matters. As I walked in the front door, I was greeted with an embrace from Carmen and a pat on the back from Eleazar.

"Good to see you again, Edward. It's been far too long." Eleazar nodded his head.

I nodded at their kindness and lowered my gaze to the floor as I crossed the room to the piano. I really wasn't in the mood for company or pretending to socialize, so I took a seat at the bench and let my fingers glide over the keys. I ghosted the melody to Bella's lullaby, but refused to hear the notes out loud. I could sense the stares of my family against my back for a few short minutes before their gaze slowly began to shift to each other, then to the floor.

Seconds passed and as I closed my eyes and let my mind wander over the sound of the song in my head, but was interrupted by Alice's thoughts as she stood beside me.

'_You still have your presents to open, Edward. It may be the day after Christmas, but we aren't taking them back simply because you decided to go for an impromptu vacation the day the gift giving was set to take place.'_

I could hear the impatience in her voice, almost like a mental tapping of the foot. I finished the line I was on in my head and opened my eyes, meeting her gaze.

"Alright, Alice, where are they?" I asked quietly.

Her face lit up as she danced towards the table against the wall. Jasper was waiting in the doorway beside the table for her. He held his hand out, and as she took it, pulled it up to his lips and placed a kiss on her knuckles, staring at her deeply. I dropped my gaze to the floor and waited quietly on the other side of Alice for her to hand me the one she wanted me to open first. Tanya, Kate, Irina, and Rose filed into the room, and stood towards the back.

"Alright, this one is combination gift from Carmen, Eleazar, Tanya, Kate, and Irina. Open it first."

I opened the gift and tipped the box to empty the contents into my hand. A pile of papers thudded into my palm, and I began to leaf through them. They were blank music sheets. A smile crossed my lips as I looked up in search of my extended family.

"Thank you, this will come in very handy with all of the new writing we've been doing," I said as I smiled at Carmen who was beaming brightly with one arm wrapped around Eleazar's waist.

"There's more," Alice chimed. She pointed to the corner of the room where the tree sat. Beneath the decorated branches lay a new Fender BG31 acoustic bass guitar and a large Fender Vintage amplifier.

"Wow, thank you. I guess Alice informed you that I could use a new bass?" I asked, turning to glance at my sister before smiling back to Eleazar.

"She did, just in time too. Merry Christmas, Edward." He smiled and squeezed Carmen gently. Tanya, Kate, Irina and I all exchanged hugs and 'Merry Christmas' greetings before I walked back over to Alice.

"This is from Rose and Emmett," Alice said as she pushed a large box across the floor.

My eyebrows shifted into a confused expression as I looked for Emmett. He was standing across the room with Rose tucked into his side with the biggest shit-eating grin. '_I know it isn't our traditional kind of exchange, but it is pretty damn awesome,' _Emmett thought rather loudly as he squeezed Rose.

Once the wrapping was off of the humungous box, I walked around to the other side to look at the front of it. In bold black letters the box read, _Roland E-50: a Music Workstation. _My eyes grew wide as I shot a look up at Emmett and Rosalie. She was smiling as she turned into his side. _Rose, smiling?_ I tried to read her thoughts but she was reciting Christmas carols in Japanese.

"You got me a mixing keyboard and sampler?" I asked in a voice much louder than I had planned.

"Awesome, isn't it? Oh man, Eddie, I can't wait to see that thing in action!" He laughed as his hands shot out in front of him like he was pounding on the keys. He raised one hand to his ear, pretending to hold a headphone as he grooved out to a club-beat only he and I could hear in his head.

I chuckled loudly, truly smiling for the first time in a long time at my brother's antics. "Thank you Rosalie, Emmett - it's awesome."

"There's more!' Alice chimed in once again, shoving a much smaller box at my chest. "This one is from Jasper and I. Open it!" she said as she bounced up and down.

I tore open the paper with a bit more enthusiasm than the previous two presents and looked down to see a _Roland MV-8800 Production Studio. _

"Now we have a sound board and mixer to record, edit, and create masters and copies," Alice said as she bounced, practically vibrating. She threw her arms around my neck and squealed excitedly. I gripped the box in one hand and wrapped the other around her in a tight embrace.

"Thank you, both of you. This is so perfect." I looked to Jasper who smiled back and nodded. The gift was more like a group gift to the three of us and our interest in music than a solo gift to me, but I still enjoyed the thought behind it greatly.

"Alright, and last but definitely not least is Carlisle and Esme's gift."

I un-wrapped it quickly and looked at the box. "I'm confused; don't we already have a Christmas tree?" I asked, pointing to the corner. I continued to look down at the box that showed a fake Christmas tree with bright gold lights on the package. _We never use a fake tree._

"Open it, stupid!" Rosalie called from the corner of the room.

I shot her a dark look and turned back to the box. I opened the flap and peered in. At the top of the box was a pale wooden guitar head with 6 turn keys. I reached in and grabbed the neck, pulling it out of the box. I gasped, my eyes opened wide with shock.

"It's a 6 string fretless Fender bass guitar…" I said in awe.

"It's a Steve Bailey Jazz VI string fretless bass guitar, with ebony fingerboard, and tortoise shell pick guard, actually. We hope you like the color, son. It took us ages to decide which one to get you." Carlisle said softly, as he held a beaming Esme tightly to his side.

My mouth was still hanging open as I looked back and forth between the two of them, then back at the bass guitar. Esme's smile grew bigger as she stepped forward with her arms out. I took a few quick steps forward and wrapped my arms around her tightly. Inhaling the scent of her hair, I closed my eyes and smiled. I felt Carlisle's palm on my shoulder, '_Merry Christmas, son. I'm happy to see you smiling once again,' _he said to me silently.

"Thank you, both of you. It means so much to me. I don't deserve your affection." I released Esme and took a step back, hanging my head slightly as I shifted my weight.

Carlisle's hand grazed under my chin as he lifted it and took a step closer to me. "You are my son, and you deserve whatever makes you happy, even if you won't let yourself have it," he said to me slowly, pouring several different meanings into the simple sentence. He pulled me into an embrace and patted my back firmly before pulling away again. He shifted back into his wife's side, wrapping his arm around her waist.

"Thank you, Father," I whispered, and nodded my head, showing I understood. _Though I will never agree, _I thought.

./.

We spent the next few weeks in the basement cleaning out the dust, sound proofing the walls, putting in extra power outlets, and installing the sound equipment. It only took three days of casual labor. Afterwards we played around with the equipment, learning the different things they were capable of. Alice, of course, was determined to be the first to master my digital mixer.

We decided we needed a piano down there as well for recording certain songs. The keyboard just didn't achieve the same sound, so we sent Alice out to buy a baby grand for downstairs. We tore the doorframe down so we could get the piano downstairs and patched it back up by making it a double door entrance.

Emmett was down in the basement with us and had asked Jasper what each individual slider did on the mixer and then proceeded to test it out anyway. I swear, he was just like those kids you tell to not touch the stove. _His mother must have been a patient woman. _

Jasper shot me an awkward glance, trying to evaluate my emotions. I simply shrugged. '_A little help here, brother?' _He simply continued to stare at me, almost pleading with his eyes.

I stood up from the piano bench and sighed as I wandered over to Emmett. His eyes lit up as he saw me approaching him, and his grin grew even more mischievous, if that was even possible. I simply shook my head and sighed as my lips turned upwards into a casual grin.

"Eddie! Is the piano up and running to your obsessive idea of perfection?" he asked with a smirk.

"Yes, Emmett, it is tuned and working fine, thank you. Can I help you with something, brother?" I asked, trying to placate him.

"Jazz here is showing me the different audio settings. Did you know that there's a techno setting? You guys should throw a country tune into that bad boy and see what it can do!" He pointed at the keyboard mixing studio hooked up to it in the corner.

I looked at Jasper and he rolled his eyes while a slight smile formed at the corner of his lips. I laughed and placed my palm on Emmett's broad shoulder.

"Not today, Em. We're still waiting for Alice to get back to test out some of the settings; she knows this thing better than either of us."

"Aw, come on, Eddie! Just jam out some tunes and I'll hit record for you guys," he pleaded with me as his grin faded into a small smile. "Please, man, I just like watching you guys jam."

I looked to Jasper and I shrugged my shoulders as he mirrored my action. Emmett laughed, filling the basement with an odd version of his booming laughter. The sound proofing gave everything a pure and crisp ring.

"How about we try working out the timing on that new song of yours, the one with the wicked beat?" Jasper asked me, raising an eyebrow.

"Alright, it can't hurt to practice while we wait, I guess," I responded.

I walked over to the keyboard where Emmett was standing and flipped the switches. Jasper picked up the electric guitar and plugged it into the amplifier, checking the sound each time he adjusted a string. I played out a simple drum beat on the keyboard effects, and saved it for later on a button. I pressed it once to test it out, then looked up at Jasper who nodded once in approval.

"I've actually written the words out for this track as well. Here is the set of lyrics, if you want to sing any harmonies, or just follow along to grasp the certain emphasis points. I was thinking a crescendo and loop between the first chorus and third verse would balance the song out, then a double chorus at the end," I mumbled out the last few words as I handed him the paper. I felt a little anxious about his reaction to the words I had written for such a strong melody. I casted my eyes downward and walked back to the keyboard.

'_No reason to be feeling anxious, Edward. No one is going to hear this but us,' _Jasper said quietly in his thoughts.

I nodded my head once to show I acknowledged his thoughts. I counted down from three, and Jasper pressed the distortion with his foot. The guitar buzzed to life loudly with an electrical current sound flooding the room. After the second play through the intro, I turned on the drum track to accompany the melody.

"_I'm not sure, what I'm looking for anymore, I just know that I'm harder to console,"_ I carried the last note with my voice before I started the second line.

"_I don't see who I'm trying to be instead of me, but the key is a question of control,"_ I lingered on the last note again, but this time Jasper sang out the last word in the same tone and emphasis as I had. I smiled up at him and nodded, communicating that I liked his improved vocal harmony. Jasper played a solo piece on the guitar before the next line. I turned my focus to my words and the pain they helped me to ease within myself.

"_All this running around, well it's getting me down; Just give me a pain that I'm used to. I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive, you just need to achieve something that rings true," _Jasper and I sang the entire chorus in harmony, pausing on each word for emphasis.

The guitar sang out loudly at the end of the chorus just as I heard a strange distortion effect change the sound of the guitar and keyboard. I looked up, panicked, thinking Emmett had toyed with the mixer, but instead I saw Alice with a huge grin just nodding at me with a headphone cupped to her ear. The loud whirring noise bounced off the wall like an electrical tool making a beautiful melody. The sound was electrifying and chilling, but amazing all at the same time. I smiled brightly at her, and looked towards Jasper who was grinning from ear to ear.

She dropped the effect, and I stopped playing the keyboard and faded the drum beat out so just Jasper's guitar was playing through the pedal. I smiled as I took a deep breath, raising my eyebrow at Jasper. He nodded once and leaned into the microphone at the same time I did.

"_There's a hole in your soul, like an animal; with no conscience, repentance, oh no!"_ I sang darkly, matching my pitch to Jasper's at 'oh no'. Those words were the most painful to me, and mirrored my vision of myself. I was a monster inside, and this was my anthem, letting everyone know just how destructive I could be to those around me. With my words laid out, I was allowing my thoughts to be torn apart and baring my pain for everyone to hear.

"_Close your eyes. Pay the price for your paradise. Devils feed on the seeds of the soul."_ I closed my eyes, not wanting to see Jaspers reaction to the mix of emotions he sensed. I tried to take what wasn't mine and was paying the price. _She_ was my paradise, and the devil inside of me wanted to selfishly take away her soul.

Alice must have pressed the effects, because the sudden whirring noise filled the room. I looked up at my siblings, thankful to be able to share my pain in a way that didn't harm them as well. Jasper had a crooked smile on his face as his eyes flitted back and forth between Alice and me.

"_I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real. No mistaking the faking; I care,"_ Jasper sang the last two words with me stronger than the harmonies before.

"_With a prayer in the air, I will leave it there. On a note full of hope, not despair,"_ we sang together, his voice lingered on the last notes while I moved into the chorus.

Alice changed the sound during the last two loops of the chorus as Jasper mimicked my words at each line, tearing at the guitar chords as the last words rang out. I faded out the drum track, so just the distortion of the guitar could be heard while he let it slowly die out naturally.

I opened my eyes and looked to Alice who was beaming. "Tell me that recorded?" I asked, concerned.

"Yep! I think with a little tinkering, we can get some better effects, but for a first shot with words, that was awesome! Thanks for waiting for me, by the way," she pouted and punched my arm.

"My fault," Emmett claimed from the back of the room with a grin. "I told them to play me something and wouldn't take no for an answer. I didn't know it was going to be so kick ass though!" he exclaimed while pumping his fist into the air.

"I didn't think the words would fit the melody that well, but when you started singing, I have to admit…" Jasper paused, shaking his head as a smile formed on his lips, "I was pleasantly surprised."

I just smiled and looked down at the keyboard at my fingertips. I hadn't been sure I wanted to share those words with anyone, but that beat was a fitting choice to emphasis the pain in the song. The words were such a raw reflection of my own guilt and torment. My body was torn apart from the inside as my mind ran laps around all the various reasons I had to feel the way I did.

'_Snap out of it, Edward. I don't know why you're feeling guilty and remorseful, but quit,' _Jasper thought quite loudly at me.

"I'm sorry, Jasper, I'm trying," I mumbled quietly as I ran my fingers through my hair violently.

"What are you sorry for this time, Edward?" my sister asked incredulously. She looked from me to Jasper, then back to me, understanding. "I swear the amount of guilt and _emo_ that runs through you is just unbelievable. You act as though you're some virulent disease to the world or something; the world's biggest threat to humanity."

"Virulent disease? Of course that's what I see our kind as," I argued. "Just think about it: when a human is born they are already dying from whatever genetic dispositions they are cursed with, not to mention that everyone is born to die. Every life is riddled with disease from the moment of conception. Death is the only constant in life. That is, unless you are turned into one of us. Then you are virulent; a venomous and poisonous being that's sole purpose is to destroy the beauty that life is in the most destructive and malicious way possible. At least with death you have a soul to carry you past the diseases of life." I took a deep breath as my nostrils flared. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to calm myself, knowing they didn't ask for that kind of outburst. I opened my mouth to begin my apologies, when I was cut off by Alice.

"Perfect. It will work perfect!" she chimed in a soft voice, and I wondered if she heard anything I said at all.

I opened my eyes quickly and stared at Alice, then looked to Jasper. Looking towards Emmett only infuriated me more because he had that same stupid grin on his face again, and for once, his mind was silent.

"What's perfect, Alice? What we are? The plague our kind is to humanity?" I balled my fists up and tried to keep from shaking.

"No, you dummy, the name, 'Virulent Disease'; that's our band's name," she responded, still smiling innocently.

"What do you mean, our band's name? What band?" I asked, losing my patience.

"You can be so thick sometimes," she huffed. "We need a band name, Edward. We can't start playing shows without a name. Did you expect us to just introduce ourselves as the Cullens, like when we play 'school students'?" She crossed her arms across her chest and raised an eyebrow.

I looked to Jasper for some help, or explanation, or anything really. He took a few steps towards Alice to stand by her side. I felt my mouth hanging open and closed it before opening it again to speak.

"When are we going to be playing shows? We barely have a few songs, and none of them are finished," I asked, calmer than I felt. "I thought we were just jamming, or whatever Jasper called it. Making music; finding _distractions," _I added bitterly.

"Next weekend; we can go out to _La Sangue Cantante_, the vampire club in the middle of an uninhabited area, outside of Cantwell," she said, completely ignoring my second comment. "I've already seen it, and we are awesome! I was planning on asking you guys about names when I got home today, but didn't see that you would be playing until just before I got here," she said as she gestured to the staircase at the back of the room.

I dropped my head and sighed. I searched through her thoughts, and saw the vision as she replayed it for me. _The lights are dark, with red and purple lights casting onto a small stage. The three of us are on the stage with a small set up; keyboard, amp, mixer, box-drum, microphone stands, and an acoustic guitar and bass._

"Fine, but what are we going to play?" I asked.

Alice squeaked as she clung to Jasper. He leaned down to kiss the top of her head and smiled at Emmett who was hollering and cheering.

"I want us to play _Fever_, please, Edward!" she pleaded. Images of her dancing around the stage seductively flashed through her mind, and I shot her a sour look.

"I've always wanted to play _Sweetest Perfection_, and I think your vocals would be great, Edward," Jasper added.

"Fine, but we should play one of our own songs. Do you think we could have the one we played tonight mixed and perfected by then?" I asked, turning to Jasper.

"No doubt. I think we could even spice up the covers a bit too, adding our own flare." He nodded in agreement, and looked at Alice.

"Oh! We could do _Fever _with a bit of a bluesy style to it and a heavy bass line! What do you think, Jazz?" She beamed up at him, her eyes glowing from the excitement. Jasper just smiled down at her with a nod.

"So it's settled? Virulent Disease will be playing at _La Sangue Cantante_ next weekend?" she paused, waiting for us all to nod in agreement.

I nodded slowly and let out a deep sigh, just as she squealed once again and began vibrating with excitement. I knew we were going to have to finish mixing those songs, as well as flesh out more of our original pieces over the next week, but a small part of me wished I could just curl up and go back to being invisible to the world, unimportant to my family. I felt like I was being granted too much in my life. I did not deserve for anything to be easy, or less painful. I deserved to ache for eternity with the loss and guilt over my choices.

I wrapped my arms around myself, trying to hold the numbing pain inside before it managed to seep out of my skin, but the action made no difference. The burning ache in my dead heart reared its ugly head once again, and I trudged upstairs, hoping for solitude in my own room before I unraveled at my seams.

* * *

**Song question for the chapter:** Name an important song to you, that you find romantic, and/or raw with emotions, and why it's important to you.


	7. Ch 7: Kismet

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you all to share an important song, that displayed raw or romantic emotions.  
_My answer: Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have._  
No words can even describe why, so I'll leave it at that.

Chapter Playlist:  
Garbage – Stroke of Luck  
Rascal Flatts – What Hurts the Most  
Blue October – Black Orchid

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**_* This chapter contains self-harm, violence, and some gore. *_**

* * *

**Chapter 7  
BPOV  
Friday January 6th, 2006**

The New Year had come and gone, mostly unnoticed by myself and Charlie. He brought home a bottle of that sparkling cider from the grocery store and popped the cork at midnight, but we didn't say anything. It was the last weekend before I had to go back to school, and it also happened to be Jessica's 18th birthday. Lauren, Angela, Jessica and I made plans to go into Port Angeles to go shopping. After the fourth store, and more bags than we could fit in the trunk, Lauren chimed in with a _great_ idea.

"We are all 18 now, how about we go get something sexy and shiny to go back to school with?" Lauren suggested, trying to sound seductive as she tossed her hair over her shoulder.

"What did you have in mind, exactly?" Jessica asked as she climbed into the driver seat of her car.

"Piercings, of course. We could get our belly buttons pierced, or our tongues!" she exclaimed while sliding into the front seat of the car.

Besides my ears, I'd never thought of getting any piercings. Renee had my lobes pierced when I was two years old, so I couldn't even remember what it felt like. The idea of a tongue piercing gave me chills, and a bellybutton piercing was just way over done. I admit, the idea of a piercing did appeal to me on some level, but mostly because of my morbid curiosity of the pain and the healing process. My cuts could hold the internal ache at bay for a good day or two, depending on the severity, so I wondered how long a piercing would take to heal. I tugged on the hems of my long sleeves and sighed.

"That sounds like an awesome idea!" Jessica said excitedly.

Angela shifted in her seat beside me. I glanced at her grimacing and shrugged my shoulders.

"I don't know," Angela hesitated. "I don't think my parents would be very happy with any crazy piercings."

"Oh come on Angela, you're an adult, who cares what they think!" Lauren said.

I looked in the mirror at her expression just as she rolled her eyes and shot a look at Jessica. Lauren was always so vicious and cruel. I sighed softly and turned to look back at Angela who was chewing on her lip as she stared at her lap. I leaned over to Angela and got her attention by tapping on her elbow.

"Let's just wait until we get there. Maybe you'll find something cute," I whispered to her, trying to smile as believably as I could.

"Thanks," Angela mumbled under her breath, and shot me a smile in return.

It only took us ten minutes to find a piercing and tattoo shop. The sign said _360 Ink and Steel. A_s the four of us walked into the store, I could hear a faint buzzing coming from the back. The entry-way was filled with glass displays holding all sorts of jewelry and small rubber body part sculptures with piercings. Jessica and Lauren were greeted by a tall, large man and wandered toward the barbell displays, looking at jewel studs and other dangling assortments. I tapped Angela on the shoulder and nodded toward the ear piercing displays. Angela looked toward the case, then back at me with a warm smile.

After five minutes of browsing, she pointed to a cute diamond stud. The piercing showed the jewelry going through the little piece of cartilage in front of the ear canal. The sculpture display said it was called a Tragus and the little information card below the fake ear said it took 8-16 weeks to heal.

"It looks really cute, and subtle," I said to Angela, who smiled wider at me.

"Yeah, I don't think my parents will mind it, and it looks really feminine. What are you going to get?" she asked, looking up at me curiously.

"I don't know. I don't want a bellybutton piercing or tongue piercing," I mumbled as I bit on my lower lip and eyed the jewelry.

"What about a lip ring? Or a nose ring?" she asked, pointing at the face sculpture with various piercings in the cheek, lip, eyebrow, and nose.

My eyes glided over the different piercings but I didn't see anything that really looked like _me_. I shrugged my shoulders and turned away from the glass to browse the other counters. Just as I turned to take a step, my body pressed against something firm and stationary. A sudden rush of air left my lungs as I stumbled backwards. I flinched as I felt large hands grip onto my forearms and noticed I was still standing on my own two feet. I looked up, shocked.

"Oh! I'm sorry, I wasn't paying — oh…" I stopped suddenly as I noticed a very attractive and _very_ tattooed man smiling down at me. He was biting on his lower lip as he toyed with the hoop at the side of his mouth.

The ring was very small and fit his lip perfectly. It was offset to the right side and didn't have a bead on it like most of the rings in the displays. It was black and subtle. I felt my lips turn upward, betraying me. The man released my arms gently and nodded down at me.

"No worries, just glad I was here to catch you," he said through a smile. He stretched his hand back out, letting it hang in the air expectantly. "My name is Todd." He glanced down at his own hand, then at mine.

"Oh! I'm Bella," I said as I thrust my hand into his and shook it. "Thank you. Oh, this is my friend, Angela."

He looked over at Angela briefly, then back at me and cleared his throat.

"So, anything I can help you ladies with this afternoon?"

I looked over at Angela who had a big grin plastered across her face and was staring at me incredulously. I sighed and rolled my eyes as I turned to look over my shoulder for Jessica and Lauren. I spied them flirting with two guys near the main case of jewelry and rolled my eyes a second time before looking back at Todd.

"Yeah, my friends and I were looking to get pierced," I said as I hitched my thumb over my shoulder, motioning at Jessica and Lauren behind me. His gaze followed the direction I had pointed and he nodded slowly, his lips forming a crooked grin.

"Alright, I would be happy to help. What were you looking to get done?" His eyes were on Angela this time.

"Oh, I think it's called a Tragus, but with a diamond stud, not a ring. Is that okay?" she asked.

"Sure, sure. Should be no problem. The healing will be a little more tricky though, since you won't be able to spin the hoop," he said. He turned to look at me again, and his smile reached his eyes. "And for you?"

"What's that called?" I asked, pointing at his lip ring.

"It's a side labret with a seamless ring."

"I want that," I said, grinning.

He almost seemed to blush as he nodded in agreement and waved his hand for us to follow him. He explained to us the responsibility and aftercare involved in a piercing, how much the procedure would cost, and how much the jewelry would be once it had been sterilized.

I sat down and let my mind wander as we waited for Todd to set everything up. I noticed the shop was playing Garbage's_ A Stroke of Luck_, and swayed back and forth in my seat to the rhythm of the music.

"_I lose what I love most. Did you know I was lost until you found me?"_

I sang the chorus very quietly under my breath and Angela turned to me. I blushed and quit singing, but fidgeted with my fingers in my lap. Angela simply smiled and looked down at her own lap as well. Feeling the awkward silence, I turned and asked the first thing I could think of.

"Are you scared?" I asked her.

"Maybe a little, but only because of what my parents' reaction might be. I think it will look cute, and I'm not worried about the pain. What about you?"

"No. I can deal with the pain, that bit won't bother me. A little concerned about Charlie's reaction, honestly, but I don't think it will be a big deal."

"Yeah, I hear you. I wonder what Jessica and Lauren are getting," she said, turning in her seat to look for them.

A few moments later Todd reappeared and took us into an enclosed room, shutting the door. Angela said she didn't want to go first, so I hopped up. The cold steel of the table reminded me of the blade at home. I shut my eyes and took a deep breath in through my nose. Todd gave me instructions, and I followed them as I began to grow more anxious. I wanted to feel that pinch, as the pain swelled throughout my body, numbing the ache so deep inside my heart. Suddenly, I felt a quick pressure and heard a 'pop'. The feeling was quick, and the pain was minimal, especially compared to what I was secretly used to.

I switched places with Angela, and gave her a smile that must have looked silly because she chuckled at me. The noise quickly turned into giggles and she was struggling to catch her breath. Maybe the giggle-fit was nerves, but I was certain that my lip hindered my normal smile. Todd hadn't seen the reason for Angela's hysterics, but her giggling did cause him to grin at me as he shook his head.

"You need to take a deep breath. I can't pierce you if you pass out," he said to her calmly.

I squeezed Angela's hand and took in a deep breath as she struggled to mimic my actions. As she let the breath out, an odd laugh escaped her lips and I snickered. She took another deep breath and let it out smoothly.

"You sure you want to do this? No one can force you. It's not too late to say forget it, and no one will think less of you," Todd said calmly.

"No! I'm alright, I promise." She nodded once and smiled.

Todd smiled back at her and began talking to her calmly about what he was doing. She pulled her hair back, and took off her glasses, handing them to me. When the needle slid in, I almost had to turn away. Even though I was used to cutting, I still couldn't stand the sight of someone else's blood, especially when a needle was involved. It was Angela's short scream and choked-back sob that kept my eyes glued to my only true friend in this world. I felt so bad that she was hurting, and regretted talking her into going along with Lauren's plan.

"Shh, it's okay. It's over, and it looks so cute, Ang." I tried smiling again, but the foreign object hindered my ability.

A single tear rolled down her cheek as she swallowed and nodded. Todd had stepped back and was staring at her. He seemed to be looking for something, but I wasn't certain of what.

"You okay? Remember, steady breaths." He tossed the needle in a plastic container and pulled off the gloves. He reached his hand out to her, and lifted her chin to look in her eyes. "Hey, steady breaths. You did amazingly; perfect even." His lips curled into a crooked, heart-stopping grin. He had us sit in the room and drink water from little paper cups for five minutes before we could leave. Offering his hand, he helped Angela off the table and gave her a warm smile.

He opened the door for us and followed us out as he explained the aftercare again. We stopped at a glass counter as he handed us a small piece of paper with written, detailed instructions and general questions and answers. I heard familiar laughter from behind us and turned around. Jessica was giggling as Lauren pointed in our direction. They quickly strolled over, stopping a few feet in front of us.

"Look what we got!" Jessica said loudly, lifting her shirt to show her stomach and its new accessory.

Both of them had gotten a bellybutton piercing. They had thin pink hoops with a pink capture bead. Angela and I looked at each other and shook her heads, chuckling.

"Oh my God, Bella, you got a lip ring!" Jessica exclaimed. "Wow…"

Angela turned her head to the side, and pointed to her ear with a wide grin. "I got a Tragus."

"That's so cute, Angela!" Jessica said.

"Yeah Angela, it's cute, if you like the _ordinary_ and _painless_ types of piercings." Lauren added.

"Actually," Todd interjected, "the Tragus is one of the most painful ear piercings, since it has to pierce through such thick cartilage. It's much more painful than the belly button, lip or lobe piercing." Todd grinned. He looked at Angela and winked quickly before looking at me.

I tried to smile widely, but winced at the tenderness. Todd turned to look back at Lauren and Jessica. Lauren's face was bright red with a dark glare. Jessica's mouth was open wide in shock. I cleared my throat, trying not to laugh at their expressions. Jessica just looked back and forth from me to Lauren to Angela, uncertain of what to say.

"Come on Jessica, let's go." Lauren said as she grabbed Jessica's arm, and pulled her out of the store.

I turned back to Todd and held my hand out to shake his. "Thank you, for everything. How much do we owe you?"

He cut us both a deal, claiming it was a Special they had going. Angela and I both exchanged curious looks before we shrugged and paid the man. As we were heading out of the store, Todd stopped us and held his hand out to me with a business card.

"In case you guys have any questions or concerns, or want to make an appointment for something bigger," he said with a grin. "My number is written on the back as well, in case you can't get a hold of me here."

"Oh, um…" I choked out as I blushed. I pulled my lower lip into my mouth to chew on it out of habit, but a quick pain shot through my tender lip and I released it quickly. _That is going to take some getting used to._

"That was a really good choice for a piercing, by the way," he chuckled, grinning wide. "It suits you." He said, and headed back towards the counter.

The drive home was filled with music from Jessica's new CD's, and Lauren casually talking about what outfits she planned on wearing to show off her new piercing. Angela and I remained quiet in the back of the car for most of the ride home.

./.

When we finally arrived in Forks, I was the first one to be dropped off. As I slowly walked up the path to the house, I took deep breaths. Charlie was home, school started Monday, and I had a lip ring. _Please stay calm Charlie._

"Bells, you're home! How was the trip?" he called from the living room.

"It was good. We all had a good time," I replied. Maybe if I was quick enough I could slip upstairs and he wouldn't even notice. _Stupid, Bella, he will notice sooner or later._ I sighed, knowing it was pointless to avoid Charlie, and walked into the living room. "Did you already eat, Dad?"

"Yeah, Bells. I called for a pizza an hour ago. There's some still on the table if you want any." He glanced over at me with a smile and looked back at the TV.

_One, Two, Thr—_

"What the _hell _is that?" Charlie said rather loudly as he looked back at me. I sighed and tried to smile. It had stopped bleeding during the trip home and the swelling had gone down, but it was still extremely tender.

"The girls all thought that now that we are all adults we should do something to celebrate."

"So you got a hole in your lip? How is that celebrating? Don't you get hurt enough as it is? Why would you go looking to put yourself through more pain?" Charlie's questions lingered in the air as I contemplated the multiple meanings his words held, most of which he probably wasn't aware of.

"Would you have preferred a tattoo or a strip club?" I asked, only half joking.

"Well, I, um, uh…" Charlie stuttered, looking for an answer. "You girls couldn't get into a strip joint, that's for people twenty-one and older. _Wait,_ _you didn't get a tattoo, did you?_"

"Dad, calm down. One, we can't get into a club if they serve alcohol. Two, no, I didn't, but that's beside the point, Dad." I crossed my arms and leaned onto my other foot. "I'm eighteen, and while I know I still live in your house, and abide by your rules, I still have full say over what I do with my body." My words didn't hold the seriousness I was trying to convey through the mumble of my new speech impediment.

Charlie sighed and looked back at his TV while he fidgeted with the remote. "I know that, Bells, I just feel like I didn't get much time with you growing up, and I forget you're almost a grown woman already." He turned and looked back up at me with sadness in his eyes. He turned off the T.V and got to his feet, striding over to me in four meaningful steps. His gaze made me feel uneasy, as though he was piercing through my façade revealing the pain and torment hidden beneath my skin, and inside my heart. I looked down at my feet and sighed.

"Listen, Bells…I know I'm not always around much, and I'm sure I've made plenty of mistakes that you are too kind-hearted to tell me about, but I want you to know I'm here." He stopped again and shuffled his feet. The uncomfortable feeling was like a charge of electricity passing between us, causing us to shift our weight. His index finger lifted my chin, willing me to look at him. I met his gaze and felt ashamed.

_I'm so sorry, Daddy._

"I love you, Bells. I just wanted you to know that," he said quietly with honesty in his voice. Charlie stared down at me as he choked back his tears.

"I know. I love you too, Daddy." The moment the word left my lips, my father had me wrapped in a tight embrace. The sobs were rising from my throat and I held back the noise with a deep breath.

When Charlie let me go, we awkwardly smiled at each other for a few moments. He was nervous and uncomfortable once again, and neither one of us knew what to say or do next. He turned to walk into the kitchen and offered me a slice of pizza. I cleared my throat and turned towards the kitchen.

"Um, actually, I think I'm going to head to my room. School starts in two days, and I still have some reading to do for a book report," I lied. He nodded and grabbed a beer from the fridge. As I walked up the stairs I could hear his footsteps in the kitchen. By the time I opened my bedroom door, the T.V had already clicked back on.

I closed my door behind me, and threw my limp body on my bed. The shame running through my body caused the sobs, and the sobs that shook my body caused the pain to run through my veins like liquid fire. My father could never know my secrets. I could feel myself losing control slowly, and it scared me more than anything else. _What happens when I just snap, and can't take the emptiness anymore? How much longer can I hold on?_

I had two more days of solitude before I would be forced to return to socializing at school, two days to find the courage and strength to rebuild the façade that was quickly crumbling around me, forty-eight hours left that didn't require a mask of fake smiles, and casual laughter. The trip to Port Angeles had drained me and left me feeling exposed, and raw. While spending an entire day keeping up the appearance of a normal teenager wasn't what I had in mind, it was necessary to keep Charlie, and my so called 'friends', from hounding me with questions or their general concerns. It was a small price to pay for a few more days of isolation.

I tried to let sleep take over my body, but when four hours had passed and the night had only grown darker, I knew it was a futile hope. After another two hours of writing, crying, and staring at the ceiling, and I finally felt my lids grow heavy. I curled around myself, trying to hold the last few seams closed as I rocked myself to sleep with dry sobs.

_I can't keep living this way._

It was the first Saturday since school started, and like it was part of his religion, Charlie was at the lake. My lip was no longer tender, and I could drink from cups much easier, though it had taken some getting used to. I would tug on the ring with my teeth instead of biting my lip; one bad habit, replaced by another. The people at school looked at me like I was the new freak-show, but I was used to the stares and whispers by now. Charlie had let it go and didn't seem to want to talk about it, but his disapproving expression when he thought I wasn't paying attention didn't go unnoticed.

I went about my day cleaning, doing laundry, and straightening the house. I had decided against going to see Garrett because I didn't feel like the company today. I felt bad I hadn't visited him in almost a week, but I just couldn't bring myself to socialize today. He had survived without me for over two centuries, surely he would be fine. He probably didn't even notice how long it had been.

By noon I had finished with most of the house chores, and decided to sit out on the lawn with a notebook. Within twenty minutes of being outside, it had started to rain. Half-soaked and clutching my notebook, I ran back inside and stomped upstairs. I changed out of my wet shirt, pulled on a sweater, put my hair up, and sat down in the rocking chair at my window. I stared out my window at the forest's edge and sighed.

I tapped on my knee, making a thudding noise to a slow beat as I creaked forward and backward in the chair. The floorboards beneath me echoed a repetitive melody with each push forward and roll back of the chair. The pounding of the rain on the roof got louder as the storm picked up. A sudden crack of thunder startled me, and I stopped my rhythm. I closed my eyes and tried to slow my breathing, but a barrage of images flooded my mind.

_His crooked grin as he slides the baseball cap onto my head. His hands touching my skin as he tucks my hair behind my ear, whispering against my neck. His laughter shaking my whole body as he sits behind me, pressing me against his chest. Holding my hand as he walks me into the forest. The feel of his cold breath on my skin as he kissed me goodbye one last time._

I let out a deafening scream as the tears ran down my cheeks. My hands clutched at my temples as I sobbed. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried to calm my breathing, but the expansion of my lungs stung with every inhalation. _How is it _he_ can still cause me so much pain?_ It had been almost four months, and it still hurt just as bad, if not worse than the day he left.

I pulled my focus to the noises of the house, trying to distract myself from the memories. I found my rhythm once again as the rain echoed through the house. I stared out my window and took a deep breath, crying out the words in my head.

"_I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house; that doesn't bother me. I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out. I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while, even though going on with you gone still upsets me. There are days every now and again I pretend I'm okay, but that's not what gets me." _I took a deep breath as I trembled violently. The pain inside my chest flared up, burning at the back of my throat.

"_What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away. Never knowing what could have been; and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do." _I pulled my knees tighter to my chest as I let out a sigh and stared out my window as the rain poured.

My hands began to beat a rhythm against the wood of the rocking chair as I sang my words to myself. As I neared the end of the melody I let the last few notes ring with emphasis, pushing all of my emotions out through my words. I cried out as I tried to ignore the hole where my heart belonged.

The sudden silence became eerie. The only noise that could be heard was the beating of rain against the house. I took a shallow breath to avoid the stinging sensation in my lungs and I shut my eyes. I let out another short scream and it muffled the thud of the water droplets as they collided with the top of the house. My scream turned into choking sobs as I ran out of breath.

I could feel the deep burn inside my hollow chest again. _Can I really live like this?_ I had been playing with fate for years. My time was up the day I decided to come to Forks, possibly even before then. I stood slowly, checking my balance before I took a step forward, and headed to my music collection. After I searched for a few brief moments I found the CD I wanted and loaded it into the player. I clicked play, pressed 'loop' twice and headed for my dresser where I kept my scalpel.

The crowd cheered on the intro to the live acoustic song as I climbed onto my window's ledge. I felt the release immediately as the cold steel pressed into my flesh. Silent tears fell down my cheeks, the warmth from the salty emotional display splashed onto my collar.

"_Have you ever been so lonely, there's no one there to hold?"_

My eyes scanned the forest across the street from my window. I used to look out with longing and excitement, but it was just loneliness and longing that filled me now. My eyes blinked as the wetness coated my lashes. I could barely see the shapes of the trees in the distance anymore as the tears flooded my eyes.

Twice more, the numbing feeling took over my body, lulling the burn in my heart to sleep temporarily. My breath left me and I shook as I wished the loneliness would leave with it. The blood was already pooling at my wrist as I looked back outside.

"_Just hold my hand to show some concern if I live or die."_

Thoughts of Esme and Carlisle filled my mind; their bright smiles – their happiness and joy. Their love for one another was an amazing sight to see, and I would never experience what they have. Their unmistakable dedication to one another was always awe-inspiring. Simply being in their presence was proof that true love is indubitable.

Then there was Alice, and Jasper. Never had I seen two people more fitted for one another. The look in his eyes when they fell upon her; it was like he was in a constant state of worship. She was a goddess and he was her church, priest, saint, and follower-explicitly. She was his religion.

"_My eyes are open wide, help me look inside."_

I was once granted the chance to see how love could be such an enormous entity. Once again, however, fate knew how to give and how to take away. I'd always known deep inside that I would never be good enough for _him, _but a small part of me wished that I would be granted more time than I surely deserved.

Once more, I etched a line across my skin, and I knew it wouldn't be enough to bury this pain. A shaky hand and blurred vision were all I was graced with as the blood trailed faster down my pale flesh. The room started to spin and I leaned against the window pane in an attempt to steady myself.

"_The thought of ending it soon, just let me sleep in my room."_

I leaned away from the window and fell to the floor. The blood smeared as I brought my palm forward to pick myself up. Maybe if I just laid down for awhile the pain would go away while I slept. To sleep forever would be a wish easily granted, and the thought lingered for a moment_. I could do it._ I've been causing myself and everyone around me so much pain for so long, one more step was all it would take.

I glanced at the clock and calculated that I had at least three more hours before Charlie would be home. The thought of hurting my father pained me, and I wished it wasn't necessary, but I knew he would move on. I knew his love for me would make it hard, but he had lived for so long without me around, I knew he would readjust. He didn't know of the world I knew. He didn't feel the _pain_ I felt.

"_I hear a knock at the front door, don't come in."_

I pulled my knees together and pushed up on my bed with my wrist. Just as I got to my feet and steadied myself, I heard a thudding from downstairs. I gasped and jumped, surprised. My eyes widened with panic as I looked down at my bloody arm and then glanced at the window.

_Who would be knocking?_ Billy knew Charlie was out fishing, and Garrett promised he would never visit me in Forks in order to avoid any trouble from the tribe. The sound rapped once again on the door and my heart beat faster in my chest. I tucked my arm into my side and reached for the handle.

Just as I pulled my bedroom door open, I gasped loudly. I stumbled backwards and tripped over my shoes beside the bed. I reached out for my comforter out of reflex but it did nothing to break my fall. I crashed to the floor, my eyes wide with shock at the flaming red and pale white in front of me.

_Victoria._

A smile crept up at the corner of her lips and I wondered briefly if I had said her name out loud, or if she was smiling for some other, unknown reason. When I blinked and refocused my eyes, I noticed the taller figure that stood beside her in my door frame. His blood-red eyes and grin chilled me to the bone.

I slowly lifted myself off the ground with my bleeding arm. I couldn't tell if it had been seconds since I had fallen, or minutes. As I flexed my arm, Victoria's gaze shifted from my face to my arm. Her grin faded and I heard a gasp just before her eyes found mine again. The boy standing beside her tried to lunge for me but she held him back, _barely_, as a hiss escaped her lips.

"No," she commanded him, her eyes not leaving mine. "I knew you were bleeding, Dear Bella, that is only expected with how clumsy you are, but I never would have thought it was intentional. Tsk, tsk. Such a waste of pure bliss." He words were smooth and coy as the grin crept back across her lips.

The music was still playing, and a chill ran through my body as the words struck me.

"_Mother I'm so scared, I'm so scared."_

My mind seemed to shift and I realized why she must be here. I quickly looked to my bed, then to my window before I looked back at her garnet eyes._ She is here to kill me. She thinks he still loves me. She thinks this will be revenge. _Then another wave of realization struck me and I gasped at the pain it elicited. _He doesn't want me. He won't be bothered by her revenge. She won't kill me if it doesn't hurt him._

_If I can manage to call out his name, maybe she will think he is nearby and leave._ I didn't want to die this way. Charlie would find me, and the image of me lying here would be ingrained in his mind forever. I had to get out of the house, or scare her into leaving. I took a deep breath and opened my mouth, my eyes wide with fear.

"Edward!" I called out, my voice breaking in the second syllable.

Victoria's eyes widened with what could possibly be panic as she glanced at the window.

"Edward!" I called louder, panicked. I closed my eyes and his face filled my mind once again. I mentally pulled at all of my memories of his crooked smile. I prayed she would make haste with her purpose of being here. I was completely distracted and my mind was running faster with every 'what-if' and 'maybe' when suddenly, a voice filled my mind— a familiar voice — _his _voice.

Just as the voice faded, I shook my head. _Wait, what did it say?_ I pleaded in silence for my delusions to repeat the words just as Victoria lunged, baring her perfect white teeth. The music continued to play as everything went black.

"_But maybe life's not for everyone."_

All I could hear were snarls and a snap. I opened my mouth to scream, but nothing came out, at least I didn't hear anything. There was a familiar thudding in my chest, and an intense burning on my neck. I could feel the pulling sensation as she drank; her nails digging into my skin as she held me still. I opened my mouth once more but all that came out was a quiet gasp. I whispered his name a third time. An image of his golden yellow eyes filled my mind, and he smiled.

"I love you…"

* * *

**Song question for the chapter:** In the darkest moment of your life so far, what song did you connect with, listen to on repeat, or identify with? Even if it was after the fact. I know this is a personal question, so you can be vague as to the meaning behind it, if you wish.


	8. Ch 8: Visions

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked for the song you most identified with at your darkest moments in life.  
_My answer: Staind – Excess Baggage, and Nine Inch Nails – Hurt.  
_An important person once sang Excess Baggage to me on the phone when I needed comfort.

Chapter Playlist:  
Lords of Acid – Kiss Eternal  
Marilyn Manson – I Put A Spell On You  
Superpitcher – Fever  
Martin Gore – Sweetest Perfection  
Depeche Mode – A Pain That I'm Used To

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**Chapter 8  
EPOV  
Saturday January 14th, 2006 (same day as chapter7)**

Emmett's booming laughter rang out clearly from his jeep behind us as he and Kate shared stories about hunting. The two of them had discovered they had similar tastes in prey during the drive to the club. I looked over at Tanya, who was riding shotgun in the SUV that we had borrowed from Eleazar. She met my glance briefly before I looked away.

"How much further into the middle of nowhere is this place?" I asked her while keeping my eyes on the road.

"Nearly there. See the clearing up ahead?" She pointed where the trees seemed to thin.

I nodded and let out a sigh as Carlisle's words filled my head. _Try and have fun, Edward, _he had reminded me before we left. Jasper sent me waves of calm and generic, manufactured happiness from the back of the SUV. I glowered at him in the rearview-mirror and he shrugged his shoulders, smirking at me.

As we pulled into the clearing, I noticed there was a plain, long, rectangular building with a single door near the left end. Small windows could be seen near the ground, which I assumed were in the basement. I looked over at Tanya once more and saw her smirking. While she preferred to seduce human men, this was one of her favorite places to go when she wanted to remember what she was, what we all were; powerful, deadly, and seductive. She didn't think we, no _I, _would approve of playing here. I glared at her briefly.

I slowed the vehicle and approached the side of the building where most of the other cars were parked. A few people were standing outside by a side door and talking amongst themselves. They were dressed very similarly, donning black outfits and a simple, black coat.

I stepped out of the SUV, paying attention to the music playing from inside. It was filtered through some sort of distortion, with underlying rhythms under the main beat. The melody was dark and haunting, but heavy at the same time. The lush vocals started and I picked up on the irony of the song. The lyrics were about the thirst of bleeding and begging for a vampires' kiss.

Jasper paused beside me, his door still open, and I shot him a inquisitive glance. He met my gaze and rolled his eyes. '_How cute, but not very subtle,' _he said in his thoughts, causing me to chuckle out loud.

"What's so funny, Eddie?" Emmett called from further behind us as he climbed out of the Jeep.

I nodded my head at the building and he looked at it for a second with a confused expression. The chorus played again and his expression changed, first to disbelief, then to amusement. He let out a loud guffaw, which caused the other people outside to look at him curiously.

Alice reached out and wrapped her forearm around mine, repeating the action with Jasper. With our arms intertwined around hers, she practically skipped forward. She drastically stood out from the rest of the crowd here. Her flare for fashion always brought her attention, but today she was dressed to seduce. In knee high leather boots, a short dark purple miniskirt, and black strapless corset. It took an extra twenty minutes to leave the house because Jasper kept trying to get her out of her outfit and into bed.

Two men dressed in grey suits opened the double doors for us. Their minds were running through various things they would love to do to my sister. I held back a growl, but gave them a dark glare.

Carved into the top of the door frame was a phrase written in a cursive script. It read: _La Sangue Cantante._

'_The Blood Singer,'_ Jasper commented to himself silently. As the doors opened, a sudden rush of the scent of warm human blood permeated the air around us, causing me to choke. I instantly stopped and looked over at Jasper. He swallowed the venom pooling in his mouth and shook his head. _'I'll be fine. I made up my mind four months ago; it's not an option.'_

I nodded in understanding. Ever since the… _accident, _he'd realized that our lifestyle isn't just something you attempted to uphold. You either made the choice to abstain, or you didn't. Jasper took his lapse in control much harder than any of us thought that he would have, and had proven to have phenomenal control ever since.

"Come on, we still have to set up," Alice said as she hurried us in through the door, not letting any of us focus for too long on the sweet scent. The moment we stepped into the building, she dropped our arms and looked around.

The entire building seemed to be one giant room. The corner to our left had a small dance floor set up with a mixing booth on a stage that overlooked everything. A small female was standing behind the mixer with a large pair of headphones covering her ears. She adjusted the sliders with one hand, as her other hand worked the turntable.

I scanned the rest of the room, taking in the dark and moody atmosphere. Thick, black curtains were draped throughout. Red and purple lights flickered, illuminating the tables placed against the wall. A long, marble bar extended the entire length of the building. Dozens of IV bags hung idly above the bar as decorations. Lights danced through the plastic, making the place glow an intense red.

I shivered at the immense amount of blood the place seemed to be storing. _Maybe this was a bad idea. _I knew our kind didn't fit in here. Our eyes gave our different lifestyle away and our demeanor spoke volumes. I pushed the thoughts out of my mind and turned to study the bar more closely.

Six large, glass silos were placed at even increments along the wall. Each one was filled with blood and had a tap connected. There was a heating rod placed down the center of each container that's used to mix and warm the blood so it wouldn't congeal. The process of warming blood for consumption could be very tricky, and it was a little daunting to see it being done in such large quantities. I glanced down the bar and saw that only a few stools were occupied.

I was constantly swallowing the venom as it pooled in my mouth. It was reminding me that such a delicious, sweet taste would be so easy to obtain right now. I had once justified my actions of drinking from humans, but I refused to do it again. There was so much human blood in this one small building I wondered how many people had died. The thought nearly made me wretch, causing me to choke once more.

'_This is just as bad as the Volturi,' _Jasper thought.

I nodded and studied my brother closely. "Are you going to be okay, Jazz? This place is a bit much, even for me. We don't have to play here."

'_I'll be okay. Just have to remind myself how many innocent people were harmed just to stock those containers. I imagine this will be similar if we ever play a human venue, only they will still be breathing.'_

He was right. I hadn't put much thought into how hard this whole live music idea might be for all of us. I was having doubts on whether this was what any of us truly wanted or not when I caught a peculiar scent.

In the far right corner was a large archway that was covered by purple curtains. Next to the bar at the far end of the room was an open door with stairs that lead down to the basement. I tilted my head to the side and focused on the door. I could smell the overwhelming sweet scent of venom as it lingered in the air. I let my mind focus on the thoughts of those below us.

'… _come on Ryan, take him out…'_

'… _that was a sucker punch, I could do…'_

'…_this is growing old, someone should find us some newborns; they always make for a good fight…'_

_A fight club, _I thought to myself. When vampires are torn apart or in a fight, we don't bleed, we drip venom from our wounds. The mixture of venom and warm human blood was overpowering. The scents reminded me of finding _her _on a ballet floor covered in her own blood as we ripped James apart. The smell of venom, smoke, and the sweetest scent was almost too much that night. I wanted to turn, and run back to her and make sure she was okay. Before I could linger on the idea for too long, I was pulled out of my memories by Alice.

'_Come on, Edward. Try not to focus on the scent. We should be able to get used to it; we used to sit with high-school students all day,' _Alice thought.

Alice tugged at Jasper's free arm as she headed towards the back archway. I looked behind me at Emmett who was still trying to take in the entire room with the most ridiculous and confused expression on his face. Kate glided past me and headed toward her sister who was on the dance floor while I got Emmett's attention and followed Alice.

As we walked towards the curtain, I could distinguish a different song being played on the other side. The man standing next to the archway pulled the fabric back for us and nodded. We each smiled back at him as we ducked into the new, secluded room, taking in the vast differences.

This room was much smaller, and darker than the previous décor. Red curtains were draped along the walls with red lights hanging low throughout. Small, round tables were scattered around with two chairs accompanying each of them. Against the back wall was a long stage that was raised off of the floor a few feet.

There were two men on the stage. One was playing a low-tuned guitar, and the other a small drum set. The man with the guitar was singing a cover of "I Put a Spell On You". His voice was raspy and deep, and reminded me of a darker version of Jim Morrison. His long, dark hair shone in the glow of the red lights. His elongated features made him look emaciated. The man behind the drum set was flailing around so dramatically that I could barely make out much of an appearance besides his shoulder-length, dirty-blonde hair that was thrashing around him.

Alice left our side and strode towards a man standing by a booth in one of the corners. They shook hands and exchanged a few words. She hitched her thumb over her shoulder, indicating us, and the man's gaze followed her gesture. He smiled brightly at us and nodded. Jasper, Emmett, and I smiled back at him and moved off to the side of the doorway. Alice turned on her heel and nearly skipped back to us, snuggling into Jasper's side as he wrapped an arm around her shoulder. The man followed behind her and stopped directly in front of me.

"The name is Maurice. You must be Edward, Jasper, and Emmett?" he said with a casual grin, glancing at each one of us as he said our names. I took a brief second to look him over. His appearance was soft, and easy on the eyes. He looked to be in his forties, if not fifty**. **His hair hung below his ears in subtle ringlets the color of sand. There was a tenderness to him that reminded me of Carlisle, but he spoke with the same ancient Italian accent as the Volturi.

We each bowed our heads out of respect, Emmett still grinning from ear to ear.

'_He seems rather genuine, Edward, no awkward feelings, and Alice said she sees him being helpful to us with our music.' _Jasper thought. I nodded once more to let him know I understood, and held out my hand.

"It's good to meet you Maurice. If I understand correctly, you are the one to thank for letting us play tonight. I hope that we don't disappoint." I smiled at him politely as he shook my hand.

"Indeed! I look forward to hearing your style; I have a knack for knowing true talent when I hear it." He chuckled to himself. "I've been responsible for discovering quite a few of the greats, if I may say," he added with a grin, and released my hand. "The stage is all yours in about five minutes. Jameson and Christophe are just finishing up. There is a side door that leads to the parking area if you would like to unload your equipment and begin setting up." He waved his hand, gesturing to the door.

"Thank you, sir," Jasper said respectfully. He released Alice, and he and Emmett headed outside.

"Now, where is my dear friend, Kate?" Maurice asked as he looked around behind Alice and I.

"I'm here, Moor," Kate's voice called from behind the curtain as she pushed the fabric aside and entered the room.

"Ah, splendid! It's lovely to see you again, dear child" he said, opening his arms wide as he waited for her embrace.

Kate lingered for a second; a smile spread across her lips, before she hugged Maurice tightly.

"How have you been, dear girl?"

"I've been well. Enjoying the company of my extended family," she replied, turning away from him to gesture to Alice, and then myself.

"Still playing, I hope?"

"Of course, just not for an audience," she replied with a wink.

Maurice turned and faced my sister directly, his arm still tucked around Kate. "This girl is quite talented on the acoustic guitar, and she can sing the blue right out of you," he said, with a giant grin.

The musicians on stage finished their song with a fit of wailing, letting the guitar fade out. The door beside the stage swung open, and I turned my attention to my brothers who were carrying the equipment inside.

Within ten minutes, we were set up on stage. I glanced nervously over at Jasper as he picked up the bass and took a seat on a short stool. He grinned and I felt a sense of calm roll over me. I nodded at him and took in the sight of the small crowd.

There were around twenty vampires scattered throughout the room. Most of them seemed to be bunched together in the two back corners, almost as if they were afraid to be near the stage. I took a quick peek into their thoughts and I discovered that most of them were confused about our eye color, but too cautious to confront us about it.

I eyed Jasper who was patiently waiting to start the show. He cocked an eyebrow and nodded toward the audience subtly. _'Want me to get the place swaying with this first one?'_ he thought.

"Sure, let's get this started" I turned back towards the audience and grinned. I could feel the waves of excitement rolling off Jasper as he sent it out to the audience. As long as he was careful, no one would pick up on the mood alteration.

"Hello! Thank you for staying. We are Virulent Disease, and this is our first show," I said.

"We have a few covers in store for you, and one original piece. We hope you enjoy the music," Alice said. A few people began clapping while others just stared intently as they waited.

As soon as Alice finished talking, she walked over to the maracas and picked them up with a grin, nodding to Jasper and I. Jasper leaned into the wood of the instrument and pulled at the first string, then the second. The main rhythm was only five chords with an occasional embellishment at the end of a line. Alice shook the maracas in a rhythm that matched the bass as she swayed her hips. She leaned into the microphone and let out a soft moan. I smiled at her as she sang a phrase in Spanish, and moaned once more.

I pressed down on the keys, matching the harmony with Jasper. I took in a deep breath as a grin crept across my face. I leaned into the mic as the intro melted into the first verse.

"_Never know how much I love you; never know how much I care. When you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bear. You give me fever…"_ I sang in a low voice.

Alice swayed her hips, and rolled her shoulders as the music vibrated through the room. Occasionally, she would moan or purr into the mic with a wicked grin as she continued the beat with her maracas. Half way through the second verse she wandered off the stage, dancing through the aisles back towards Kate and Tanya. The three of them took each other's hands and took turns spinning each other slowly as they danced.

Alice eventually made her way back up to the stage as the girls danced together. Others began to sway to the music, rolling their hips and nodding to the beat. It almost felt like a beatnik concert as a few people began to snap their fingers, and tap their feet.

I continued to sing in a low voice, pushing the words out through a purr as we had practiced. It felt foreign to me to be acting so open and sexual, but we had agreed to play it for Alice. She loved the sexual tension this song brought out. She'd _insisted_ that no one would be able to sit still to the beat, and she had been right. It was a great way to get everyone moving and loosened up for the show. Even Maurice was dancing with Kate and Tanya in the back.

I glanced quickly at Alice and saw her nod. We had planned to change up the vocals as the song reached the crescendo. She sashayed as she walked over to the lone microphone in the center of the stage.

"_Captain Smith and Pocahontas, had a very mad affair,"_ I sang as I watched my sister dance. She was truly enjoying herself. "_When her daddy tried to kill him, she said,"_ I stopped suddenly, grinning as Alice picked up the line.

"_Daddy, oh don't you dare, he gives me fever…"_ she sang out with her eyes closed. She let out a gasp and her eyes shot open as she smirked. _"…with his kisses, fever when he holds me tight."_

She rolled her hips as she bent her knees, lowering herself slowly, and then straightened back up in one fluid motion. It took all of my concentration to ignore Jasper's inner commentary and mental pictures at that moment. She bit her lip and gasped again as she sang. _"Fever! I'm his missus, Daddy, won't you treat him right. He gives me fever, when he kisses me. Fever when he holds me tight."_ With a smirk, she threw her head back and rolled it to the side. She licked her lips and dropped her head, looking back to the audience. _"Fever! I'm on fire, fever all through the night."_

She spun on her heels and sashayed her way over towards Jasper. His eyes were glued to her as he swallowed the venom pooling in his mouth. I shook my head and smiled, still trying to block out his thoughts. Alice continued the beat with her maracas as she danced around the stage slowly. I looked back at the audience and saw that they were all dancing now. A few were still only swaying with the music, but others were dancing rather sexually.

"_Now you've listened to my story, here's the point that I have made,"_ I paused, raising an eyebrow. Jasper leaned into his microphone and purred.

"_Cats were born to give chicks fever, be it Fahrenheit or Centigrade,"_ Jasper sang in my place, his voice low and sultry.

We both finished the verse in unison, and repeated the last line several times. Occasionally, I would pause, and say the line a few seconds after him. On the last repeat, I let out a low growl, as Jasper moaned softly.

Silence lingered for a solid three seconds before an eruption of applause filled the room. Maurice, Kate, and Tanya's faces were beaming in the back of the room.

'_So much talent, I definitely plan on seeing this band through to the end,'_ Maurice thought.

"Thank you," Alice said. "What a _lovely_ way to get this place moving! I'm so glad you all decided to dance with me. Let's see if we can keep the place shaking with this next cover."

Alice glanced at Jasper as she walked over to sit on the box-drum. He threw the electric bass over his shoulder and made sure it was tuned properly for the song. Within seconds, he nodded and I smiled at Alice.

"Take it away, Alice."

Her hands flew over the drum in a quick rhythm. She swung her head back and forth, matching the beat with her eyes closed. It reminded me of Stevie Wonder and I smiled, realizing my sister was truly enjoying herself.

"_The sweetest perfection, to call my own,"_ I sang quietly, building up the intensity behind the lyrics. I cracked a smile as a few of the audience began to cheer, recognizing the song.

I sang the first chorus, slowly growing louder with each line. When I reached the first verse, I sang with a sense of strength and conviction. The bass line came up in volume as Alice continued with her rhythm. The song held a lot of meaning for me. The lyrics were about needing a drug and calling it your own. It reminded me of Bella. I had once told her she was like my own brand of heroin. Little did she know how strong of an effect she had on me.

Just as we pressed into the chorus again, I looked up to watch the crowd. The whole room was swaying and dancing together, their bodies rocking in a matching beat. I sang to them, confessing my addiction to my own _sangue cantante_. _Her sweet blood and delicious skin. _It would never be mine again.

Jasper could sense my emotions dropping into despair and sent me a wave of calm, and peace. I smiled slightly at his act of kindness and finished the chorus.

I sang the next verse rather detachedly, simply going through the motions. I tried to not focus on the meaning behind the words to me, but the last line tugged at my heart. _"But I know that nothing can stop me!"_

Alice and Jasper both stopped playing, and I began the keyboard solo. This gave Jasper enough time to switch to the electric guitar and plug it into the distortion pedal. After the first few seconds of the piano solo, Alice picked the drum beat back up again, gradually getting louder. I took this time to pull myself together, pushing Bella from my thoughts. I stared out at the crowd and immersed myself in the rhythm. _One song left, you can get through this, _I told myself. I took a deep breath and forced a smile.

"_Sweetest perfection… an offer was made… an assorted collection… but I wouldn't trade,"_ I sang out loudly. Jasper played a chord at each pause, letting it ring through the distortion pedal and echo throughout the room. Alice hit the drum loudly on the last word and paused. Only the lingering notes of the keyboard and guitar could be heard for a split second before everything became silent.

We all grinned at the audience as they watched us eagerly. Jasper stepped on the pedal again as Alice leaned into the drum. We all began the song again, louder than before. Each instrument layered over the other, creating the illusion of a 'round' effect. It gave the song a delayed sound, like a constant echo throughout the room, vibrating and reverberating. This part of the song always made me smile. If I couldn't force a grin before, a natural one was sure to come to me during this portion of the song.

"_The sweetest perfection, to call my own,"_ Jasper and I sang in unison. We sang the chorus together, kicking the entire song up a notch in speed. As we finished the chorus, Jasper improvised a guitar solo. The crowd was cheering and clapping loudly as he finished the solo and we joined him in finishing out the song.

'_It's easier to ignore the scent of the human blood while I'm immersed in the songs,' _Jasper thought.

We finished the song abruptly at the same time and looked out at the crowd with a feeling of accomplishment. If we were humans, we would be panting and sweating profusely. A rush of excitement was buzzing throughout the entire room.

'_That was awesome, Brother.' _Jasper thought. The crowd erupted with applause and cheers once again. A few females called out to us with lewd remarks, but we just smiled and enjoyed the feeling of approval. '_If they enjoyed that, let's see how well they like our original,' _Jasper said silently.

"Thank you," Alice said over the audience. A handful of the patrons wandered into the room through the curtain. "We have one more in store for you guys tonight. You have been awesome, and we hope to play for you again sometime soon. We are Virulent Disease, and this one is an original. Enjoy!"

"This one's called 'A Pain That I'm Used To' and we want to see everyone dancing," I said, trying to maintain the energy in the room. Alice took my place at the keyboard and switcher as I picked up my bass guitar from the stand. Jasper reset the distortion pedal for the right effect, and checked the tuning of his guitar. After a few seconds, he finished and I turned to nod at Alice that we were ready.

She flicked the switch on the board as Jasper stepped on the distortion pedal. He played the opening chords that would always remind me of power tools playing a guitar. I pressed the keyboard programmer and another guitar effect rang out loudly through the room. The crowd looked around at each other's expressions, confused. This song intro didn't sound like anything we had already played. I could hear their minds racing with thoughts of uncertainty.

"_I'm not sure what I'm looking for, anymore. I just know that I'm harder to _console_," _I sang. Jasper matched my pitch on the last word, as he sang it with me.

"_I don't see who I'm trying to be, instead of Me. But the key is a question of _control_." _Once again I sang the line through a steady voice, letting the last word linger in harmony with Jasper.

We finished the verse and immediately started the chorus with full force. Jasper played the chords harder than ever before as he sang in unison with me. We turned to face each other, only a few feet apart as we screamed the lyrics out with a new found strength.

We would lean towards one another, and then away in unison, almost like a dance with the instruments. The crowd was hollering as they watched us hammer out the instrumental part of the song. Jasper was radiating excitement and pure bliss. He gradually faded out the guitar before silencing it altogether.

I dropped into an almost silent rhythm. The only thing playing was my bass until Alice slowly faded in the keyboard. Jasper took a step to his right, giving me more room at his microphone. The next few lines were always the hardest for me. I swallowed the venom pooling in my mouth from the scent of the human blood still permeating the building. I closed my eyes as I leaned into the microphone.

"_There's a hole in your soul like an animal. With no conscience, repentance, _oh no_," _I growled out, singing the last two words with Jasper as he leaned against me.

'_It's okay, Edward, keep going,' _Jasper thought as he sent me waves of calm and an emotion resembling pride. I simply nodded and took another breath.

"_Close your eyes, pay the price for your Paradise. Devils feed on the seeds of the _soul_." _I sang, and swallowed once again. Jasper played the guitar melody in between the verse, leaning his back against my right arm.

"_I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real. No mistaking the faking, _I care. _With a prayer in the air I will leave it there. On a note full of hope, not _despair."

The pain of the lyrics was evident in my voice as I cried out the last few words. Jasper stepped onto the pedal once more, letting the shredding of the guitar play out. The audience moved in waves, rocking to the music as we sang the chorus in unison, closing out the song.

I was flooded with so many emotions, and none of them were sorrow, or loss. For the first time in over four months, I was truly happy. I glanced over at Alice, only to see she wasn't at the keyboard. Instead, she was bouncing towards me faster than I had ever seen her move. She jumped on me, throwing her arms around me in a hug as I kissed her cheek.

"Thank you, Alice," I said quietly in her ear before letting her go. She just beamed up at me for a brief second before she turned and jumped into Jasper's arms. I chuckled softly and shook my head, turning back to the audience.

"Thank you everyone, for letting us play. We hope to be back soon. You guys were great," I said into the microphone. A giant hand clapped over my shoulder and squeezed firmly. I looked up to see Emmett grinning from ear to ear.

"Awesome show, guys! That was totally rockin'!" He laughed his booming laugh and I shook my head, smiling.

"Thanks, Emmett."

I noticed Tanya and Kate in the back talking to a few of the people that had seemed really into the music. Maurice was standing with them, nodding his head in agreement to their conversation. He turned to look at me, noticing my gaze, and began to head towards the stage.

"Edward! That was wonderful, absolutely amazing! Such talent you three seem to posses, and in more meanings than just the obvious one," he chuckled and raised an eyebrow. He had sensed the emotions being thrown from the stage, I guessed. A second later, his mind confirmed my assumption.

"Ah, yes. That would be Jasper. He has a gift. We hope it didn't bother anyone?" I asked politely.

"No, no, of course not! Quite an interesting talent to experience, that's all. No harm done, of course. Now, where is that lovely sister of yours? I would like to speak to you three about booking more shows!"

"I'm here!" she chimed from behind me. She was tugging Jasper along with her.

"Oh good! Now, I was just telling Edward here how much talent you all posses. I would _love _to have you three play a full show, if you would be up for it?" Maurice asked with excitement.

"Of course!" Alice squealed as she bounced in place. "We don't have enough original music yet, but when we do, I will definitely let you know! It shouldn't take us too long!"

"Sure, of course. That is to be expected. I also thought I should tell you," he paused, looking around cautiously before continuing, "that I also have a recording studio, and equipment for mass production of CDs should you three ever be interested in making a demo. I would love to help you to produce, and even manage your band if you are ever interested. I would be most pleased to have you on my label."

Jasper gasped quietly and looked over at me. I looked to Alice, who must have seen this coming. She smiled brightly up at me and just shrugged her shoulders. I rolled my eyes and sighed. _Of course she saw this coming._

"I think we should work on some more original work before thinking of joining a label," I said calmly. Alice's face dropped into a sad expression and she stopped bouncing. I smiled and shook my head at her antics.

"However," I paused, looking back to Maurice, "I think that's definitely something we would be willing to consider in the near future, should the offer still stand." I bowed my head appreciatively at Maurice. He nodded and placed one hand on my shoulder.

"Of course, Edward! The offer will still be there, should you three decide to try and 'make it big' as they say." He reached into his coat pocket and handed me one of his cards. "Just give me a call anytime, with anything you might need. I'd be happy to help." He gripped Jasper's shoulder tightly and smiled down at Alice before turning to walk back to his booth in the corner.

Emmett was already loading the jeep with the gear when we were left standing alone to think about Maurice's offer. I knew I truly enjoyed playing live, much more than I thought I would, to be honest, but I wasn't sure I would want that kind of publicity, and _attention_.

'_How big do you think we could make it, while still being discreet? I mean, the eyes and skin are bad enough, but then traveling, and the smell of that many humans in one arena, plus the possibility of daytime or outdoor shows…' _Jasper thought to himself.

"I agree, Jasper. I'm not sure how far we could actually go with this, but let's just worry about making the music first, and see where it leads." I turned and looked down at Alice who had a slightly sad expression on her face.

"There are plenty of ways we could handle those problems. Like contracts that have guidelines stating we won't do daytime or outdoor shows, that we want privacy, and no full lights while on stage. Keep it mysterious as to who we are, and never truly release our identities. I'm sure Jenks could help us out with that part, "Alice commented.

"That's true. I think it's something to really think about. But I agree with Edward, we need to work on making more music first. But I have to admit, that was the most fun I've had in a very long time," Jasper said with a grin.

As we walked outside, Emmett was just finishing up with the equipment. It was all loaded neatly in the Jeep and SUV. When he turned and saw us walking out, he grinned widely and threw his hands in the air.

"Awesome show, guys! I can't wait for the next one! The way you shredded that guitar, man…" Emmett paused to show us his imaginary air guitar skills as he kicked and jumped around. Jasper just chuckled at his brother's antics and shook his head. "It was wicked, Bro, _wicked_! I knew you guys would be awesome!"

He continued to jump around in the snow, playing air guitar and thrashing his head around. Jasper patted him on the back as he opened the door to the SUV.

"Come on, Emmett. Let's go home. While I enjoyed the show too, I'm not too fond of the club," Jasper said.

"Ah, man! Come on, there was some rocking music going on! What's not to like?"

Jasper shook his head, stifling his laughter. I turned away from my brothers and opened the front door to the SUV. I noticed Tanya and Kate standing in the doorway, talking to some of the patrons who seemed to enjoy our show.

There was an eerie silence and a long pause. When I turned to look back at my siblings, I noticed Alice's eyes were glazed over and wide open in shock. Jasper turned to her and asked her what was wrong. Images from my sister's mind assaulted me, causing me to gasp loudly as I watched her vision flash before my eyes.

_A knocking sound as someone gasps. Music is being played somewhere very loudly. A pool of blood is smeared on the wooden floor. Her eyes are open wide, and filled with fear. She falls to the ground as her door swings open. Everything becomes blurred as she screams 'Edward'. She sobs, shaking on the floor in a crumpled mess, covered in blood. Everything goes black and foggy as a scream pierces the music and sobbing loudly._

I shut my eyes tightly as I tried to force the scream out of my head, but it continued to ring out in a perfect, crisp, echo. I opened my eyes and realized it was Alice screaming. She crumpled to the ground quickly. Jasper tried to catch her, but she slipped through his hands and began to shake violently.

"What is it, what did you see? Alice! What did you see!" Jasper asked her firmly, clearly panicked.

He turned to look up at me with a terrified expression. His eyes grew wide when he saw my own reaction. Through his eyes I saw my face twisted into an expression of pain and agonizing terror. I looked from Alice to Jasper, and swallowed. I stared at my brother, wishing the vision wasn't true, but Alice's sobs and shrieks of fear told me otherwise.

"Bella…" I choked out.

"What? What about her? You aren't supposed to look, Alice—" Jasper screamed.

"I didn't! I wasn't looking! It just happened. _Oh god,_ it just happened? Just now. It's happening now. _Edward_! It's happening now! We can't stop it, she's…" Alice's eyes grew wider with panic as she realized the vision wasn't of the future, but of the present. Bella was dying as we stood here, and there was nothing any of us could do about it.

"But what happened, what did you see, Alice? Maybe she'll be okay; you know how clumsy she is sometimes…" Jasper commented, trying to keep everyone from panicking. He sent us waves of calm, but they had no effect on any of us. They just washed right over us.

Emmett looked from Jasper, to me, to Alice, and back to me, completely confused and afraid to speak. Tanya and Kate had walked up to us, and were watching the situation unfold, uncertain of what to do.

"No!" Alice shrieked, "She didn't just _fall down_, or get a paper cut! There was blood, _everywhere_, and… she screamed... she screamed his…" She tried to continue, but turned into Jasper's chest and sobbed louder.

"She screamed out my name," I said quietly. "Before she collapsed to the floor in a pool of her own blood, and screamed in terror; screaming out my name. Then everything went black…" I felt like my mind had left my body. I could hear myself saying the words, but I didn't want to believe them.

"Try to look for her, Alice. Look for her again!" Jasper said with a shaky voice.

Alice closed her eyes tightly and thought of Bella. Her mind was filled, but not with an image, just two colors. All she saw was red, covered by a black fog.

"No…" she whispered, barely audible. "No!" she screamed, clenching her fists in Jasper's shirt tightly.

"It's just red and fog. Just blood red in a fog…" I said slowly, detached. I took in a deep breath and closed my eyes.

_The smell of her hair. The innocence in her smile. The color of her eyes. The smell of her skin. The warmth of her flesh. The pink of her blush. The taste of her lips. The feel of her touch. The sound of her heart. The sway in her step. The sound of her laugh. The feel of her breath. The smell of her blood. The _taste_ of her blood._

"NO!" I screamed as my memories came crashing in around me. "Not _her_!" I cried out.

Alice turned away from Jasper and gasped. Her hand flew to her lips as she trembled. "Edward! You have to go! If you run, maybe you can make it there in time. Don't stop for anything, I'll call you with any plans, so answer your phone, but don't stop running. Edward! Go!"

"What?" I turned and looked at my sister, confused. She wanted me to run to Bella when she was already gone? I couldn't save her, she was gone_. I couldn't save her_, no one could.

"If she were dead, it would just be black. I can still hear her heartbeat, Edward, I still see a fog. Maybe you can get there in time!" Alice looked at me, heartbroken, but with a glint of hope in her eyes.

"Edward, GO!" she said again, insistent. I just blinked at her, not moving. _I could still save her?_

"Damnit, Edward, GO!" she shrieked.

I turned and ran.

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**Song question for the chapter:** Name one song you think is extremely seductive, and makes you think _lust_, either because of its beat, or its lyrics, or where/how you heard it played. I will confess, 'Fever' is one of mine.


	9. Ch 9: Absolution pt1

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what song you found extremely seductive.  
_My answer: Garbage – Number One Crush._  
It's hot, what can I say? DAMN hot.

Chapter Playlist:  
Nine Inch Nails – Something I Can Never Have (still version)

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

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_*Tissue warning.*_

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**Chapter 9  
EPOV  
Sunday January 15th, 2006**

I ran for thirteen hours straight, and I didn't care _who _saw me. I left the small nightclub just outside of Cantwell, Alaska and headed east. Once I crossed into Yukon, I ran south into British Columbia and followed the shore line straight to Forks, Washington. I looked down at my watch as I passed the welcome sign of Forks; it was 1:47 a.m. _Faster, _I told myself. _I could already be too late._

As I was running, I went over the story I planned to use if I was questioned. Alice had called me to inform me of my best option. They had taken the jeep from the nightclub while Carlisle, Esme and Rosalie were behind them in the Mercedes. They were easily a day behind me.

I shuddered when I reached the familiar doorstep moments later. The truck was not parked outside but the cruiser was, and the house was awfully quiet. I paused on the doorstep for a brief moment as I collected my thoughts.

My knuckles rapped loudly against the wooden door. _Keep to the story, and keep your temper. _I could make out Charlie's vague thoughts as he came to the door quickly. The door flew open and Charlie paused, wide eyed. His jaw dropped for a brief moment before he closed his mouth and narrowed his eyes into a threatening glare. If he could actually harm me, I might have been afraid. He slammed the door closed and made a loud 'hmph'.

"Charlie, please, I have to know!" I called out louder than I had intended. _Please._

He jerked the door open. "Where do you get off showing up here and demanding information?" He looked me over, taking in my appearance. "Who do you think you are, pleading for answers and looking upset? You didn't care then, so why are you here _now?_"

"Please, Charlie, is she okay? I need to know… p_lease,_" I begged him. I took a hesitant step forward, and held my breath. _I need to know._

He looked me over once more, glaring as he grinded his jaw back and forth as if he was trying to decide something. His mind had always been difficult for me to read, and all I could decipher was anger and resentment along with brief flashes of arresting me under suspicion. I couldn't piece enough together to make sense of it.

"No, she…" he paused as his eyes filled with tears. '_She will never be fine, she will never…' _his mind rang clearer than I had ever heard it before. "…she's dead."

I felt my head spin, or maybe it was the world. The empty void in my chest caught fire and the flames licked up my throat and down my limbs. My knowledge of up and down shifted and suddenly, I was on my knees. There was a crack in the cement step below me and my fists were clenched against my temples. I squeezed my eyes shut in an attempt to make the spinning stop. I took in a shaky breath but instead of breathing in the cold night air, I breathed in fire, smoke and ash that tore at my stone flesh from the inside out. Screaming echoed clearly in my ears, but it wasn't until I felt my lungs run out of breath that I realized the sound was coming from me. I gasped and choked on air as I felt panic overtake me.

Someone was shouting and screaming my name. I opened my eyes and looked up. Charlie gripped my shoulders tightly as he tried to shake me, but my body wouldn't move. He kept screaming my name but I couldn't force myself to answer him. I tried to calm my breathing as the spinning slowly came to a stop. The muffled shouting came in clearer and I tried to focus.

"Edward, EDWARD! Stop! Edward, Stop!" Charlie screamed.

Slowly, I loosened my hands from my temples, relaxing my fists as I tried to get a grasp on my surroundings. I slowly focused on Charlie's words as he continued to shout at me.

"Snap out of it, Edward! Edward!" His voice was clear to me, finally. I felt the force of his hands as he tried to lift me from my position on his doorstep.

I simply stared up at him, completely unaware of what to do. _She's gone. She. Is. Gone. _Bella_ is gone. _My Bella_. She's gone._

"She's gone…" I finally spoke.

Charlie froze. Slowly, he released his grasp on my arms. He took a cautious step backwards, hesitating how to respond.

"Yes, she's gone. I don't know what happened. I was at work… I should have stayed home. She shouldn't have been home alone. I don't know what happened…" He was rambling to himself, rather than speaking to me. He was still coming to terms with the entire situation as well, it seemed. The hole in my chest ripped further as I realized what he had lost. _He lost his only daughter._ I could never know how that felt, but I had lost my mate._ My love, my Bella, _and he will never know how I felt, either_. _

"I don't understand what happened. She's gone and there's blood in her room, and a note, and her car, the fire… she's gone." He seemed to be in a far away place as the images played through his head slowly.

_Her room was tidy, but there were two small pools of blood on the floor. By her bed there was a bigger puddle, smeared like something had been dragged through it, and a folded piece of paper. Her truck was south of town, still smoking and charred black._

"You did this. It's your fault." He sounded surprised, but certain. "It's your fault. You did this to her. You destroyed her. I don't know what happened between you two, but you did this to her." He was pointing at me now, his eyes wide and filled with anger. Flashes of _her_ screaming in bed as he tried to calm her down rushed through his mind. More images raced through his thoughts and in each one she looked increasingly more sickly, frail, and broken. The last memory, however, lingered. _Charlie was outside and looking up at her as she sat in her rocking chair, looking out her window with a vacant expression, and purple hollows under her eyes. She looked dead and chilled over, filled with sorrow_.

"Get off my property. I never want to see your face again, Cullen! You destroyed my girl and turned her into nothing, and now she's gone! She will never have the chance to get over you, or to be happy! It's because of you!" He tried to push me, but I still wouldn't move. My knee was still wedged in the same crack in the cement. He turned and walked inside, slamming the door for the second time.

I simply sat there on my knees, on his doorstep. I didn't move, or blink, or breathe; I couldn't. _She's gone._ I repeated the words over and over in my mind. The hole in my chest seemed to swallow me entirely. All I felt was loss and anguish as it burned through my veins like liquid fire. My paralysis seemed to ache infinitely worse than my change had. Even with the winter air having dropped well below thirty degrees, I still felt the heat coursing through me.

Occasionally, I could sense someone watching me, but I didn't reach out to read their mind. I was too lost in my own mind to focus on anything else. The watcher could have easily killed me if they knew how, and I wouldn't have made any effort to move. I wished for such an easy death, but I deserved a painful one. _She _had left this planet far too early, probably in excruciating pain, and it had been because of me.

I deserved to have my body torn apart and scattered, left to feel each one of my limbs individually consumed by the flames as they lapped at my bones.

_I did this to her. She's gone._

The sound of the phone ringing inside the house pulled me out of my trance-like state. I had no idea how much time had passed as I sat frozen in the same position on the cement step. Charlie shuffled quickly to the kitchen wall and answered. I watched him through the partially-opened curtain of the dining room.

"Hello? Yes? Hello?" he said quickly, hardly giving the caller a chance to respond. There was a pause and then he huffed angrily.

"Yeah, he's sitting on my doorstep like a rock and won't leave," Charlie answered.

"I told him what happened – look, why am I talking to you about this? Just come and get your son off of my property before I take matters into my own hands." Another long pause and Charlie shifted his weight, letting out a loud sigh. If I had strained I could have listened to Carlisle on the other end, but I just didn't have the focus.

"Well what am I supposed to do about him until then? I can't just leave him on my porch until morning; it's freezing outside." He sounded impatient, but concerned. He rubbed his eyes with his free hand and nodded absentmindedly.

"Alright, fine, give me a second." He paused and set the phone down. His footsteps grew louder as he mumbled under his breath about having bigger issues to worry about at three in the morning. The door swung open for the third time and he looked down at me.

"Your father would like me to ask you to meet him at your old house. I don't know how you got here so quickly and so far ahead of the rest of your family, but they said to inform you that they will be arriving there around nine tomorrow night, and that you better be there. Oh, and to answer your phone. Apparently they've been trying to get a hold of you." Charlie glared at me, waiting a long moment for a response. I blinked and looked down, not saying a word. He huffed and slammed the door, before walking back to the phone.

"Alright, I told him — what? No, he's still sitting there."

I sighed and got to my feet. _I guess I should move out of sight before he calls the rest of Forks to have me removed._ I moved quickly to the tree outside of _her _bedroom and paused on the largest branch. The scent of freesias hit me first, quickly followed by the exceptionally strong scent of her cold blood. I opened her window and climbed into her bedroom, being careful to not disturb anything.

On the floor directly under the window sill was a small puddle of dried blood. Beside the bed was another puddle, along with smears in multiple directions. A partial hand print was visible on the outside edge furthest from the bed. A corner of the blanket had a stain the size of her palm. Alice's visions flashed in sequence, replaying in my mind.

_Music. There had been music playing. _

I walked over to her CD player and looked it over. _That's odd. _The CD player was still on and it was looping the same track, but the volume had been turned down. I took note of the track number and hit stop. I popped the lid open and peered in at the CD. The top was filled with primary colors in an abstract painting. The title read 'The Answers' and track thirteen was 'Black Orchid'. I looked around the table for the CD case and spotted it on top of a pile of notebooks. I flipped the booklet open and searched for the lyrics, but there were none written inside. Pocketing the CD, I scanned the rest of the room for clues. I would listen to the track later.

Her room was mostly tidy, except for the pile of papers and clutter on her desk. Remembering the piece of paper from Charlie's memories, I dropped to the floor silently and looked under the bed. I spotted the paper next to the bed post and picked it up, unfolding it carefully. Two words flooded my memory, and I gasped.

_'Be safe.'_

_She kept it. After everything that I had put her through, she kept it. _It was the only thing of myself I hadn't taken from her. I just assumed she thrown it out the same day that I'd given it to her. _Why would she have kept it? _I couldn't make sense of it. It was such a small, trivial thing.

My mind searched for a reason, trying to rationalize this. Then it clicked. In my bedroom was a box of my keepsakes, and in the box was the bottle cap from the first day we'd eaten lunch together at school. I had kept something trivial, so why would it surprise me that she had as well? _That's easy, humans don't love the same way our kind does, _I argued with myself.

I slipped the paper into my pocket and spent another ten minutes examining Bella's room for clues. There were a few odd scents, but they were hard to distinguish. I was certain that there had been a handful of police officers in here gathering evidence, so it could have easily been one of them. It still didn't sit right with me, but I shoved it aside.

I struggled internally over the prospect of reading Bella's notebooks. I hesitantly turned the first page of the one on top. There were a dozen different-sized eyes and odd shadows drawn with words scratched out so hard I couldn't read them. I flipped to the next page and gasped. It was another page filled with eyes, but these eyes were crying and looked more like hers. My eyes roamed over the paper as I took in all of the images. I had never known she was a talented artist. Tucked in the bottom right corner there was a phrase written in her handwriting.

_'Never is a promise…'_

I swallowed as my body shook. _What promise, sweet Bella? _

I closed the notebook and didn't even consider opening another one. It felt wrong to look into her private notebooks. The fact that I could read everyone's mind but hers always reminded me that if she wanted to share her thoughts with me, she would. She would have frowned upon this invasion of her privacy, that is, if she were here to defend it.

I felt my body tremble as my mind processed the truth once again. _She's gone._ I swallowed the venom that was pooling in my mouth and took a seat in the rocking chair. I leaned forward and wrapped my arms tightly around my chest, and as I rocked back and forth, the chair creaked while moving oddly under me. _It never did that before._ I leaned to the side to look under the chair.

Under the back half of the rocking chair was an object with a turquoise handle and a narrow point. I picked it up gingerly and brought it into the light. I gasped as I realized what it was. _Why would there be a scalpel in her room? Better yet, why would it be covered in blood? And why hadn't the police found and tagged it?_

The feeling of astonishment and wonder flooded through me as I watched every piece fall into its proper place. I doubled over, shutting my eyes tightly as I realized how everything fit together.

_She hurt herself _intentionally_._ I was uncertain if her intent had been to die, or to just simply hurt. _Had she been hurting herself for very long? Was this her only attempt at killing herself? Why did she leave the house afterward? Where was she going? Did she panic about Charlie finding her, so she left and crashed her truck? _

_Oh my god, _I gasped in shock, _Bella killed herself._

Charlie's words flooded my mind again. _"It's your fault. You did this to her. You destroyed her. You destroyed my girl, and turned her into nothing, and now she is gone! She will never have the chance to get over you, or to be happy! It's because of you"_

_I destroyed her? _I replayed Alice's visions in my head. I shook my head in disbelief. It fit, though. It fit more than anything else. Alice's memories from the day she sang 'Dear Friend' flashed through my mind. She had thought of times I had never seen before. They were nights filled with _her_ crying herself to sleep, looking frail, and thin. The images that Charlie had focused on when he saw me at his doorstep hit me. She was sitting in the rocking chair with a vacant expression, as if she was already dead inside.

_I destroyed her. God, what have I done? She killed herself._ I _killed her._

At that exact moment I realized that everyone had been right all along. They were all right, and I was wrong. That seemed to be happening to me a lot in my century of existence.

I had a soul. I may be a monster, but I had a soul. I knew I had a soul because the moment I realized that I had killed Bella, realized she was gone forever, I felt it break in half, and shatter into dust.

_I killed my soul mate._

_./.  
_

It was nearly four in the morning. It would be another twelve to fifteen hours before the rest of my family made it into Forks. I had been ignoring their phone calls and I was certain that it wasn't pleasing any of them. I ran to _our _meadow to have solitude while I sobbed and screamed at the night sky. I lost the _good_ part of my soul before I even realized I _had_ one to begin with. I had destroyed it, just like I had always insisted I had, but in the process, I had destroyed _her._

I stayed at the meadow for a good portion of the afternoon, only getting up to leave when I had realized how late it had become. I walked slowly from our sanctuary at a human speed to my old house. I didn't want to be there any longer than I had to be. I reached the house around seven that night. As I made my way up the driveway, I caught her scent and paused.

"Bella?" I choked out the painful name.

I inhaled the evening air a second time. _Definitely her scent. _I noticed a second scent that was unfamiliar. _Another vampire? _The scent seemed to be recent as well, which startled me. I stood frozen for a solid minute before I began to process the possibilities.

_Maybe she didn't kill herself. Maybe another vampire dragged her out of her room. But who? _It didn't smell like Laurent or Victoria. It wasn't a scent I recognized. _But the scalpel… a vampire wouldn't bring a scalpel. She had intended to hurt herself for some reason. _I shuffled through more ideas, disregarding them as quickly as they came. Now, nothing fit, except the fact that shehad harmed herself on purpose.

I stepped through the front door and the scent assaulted me. It was _her_ alright, and another vampire. _Could they have been here at the same time? But what would she have been doing here by herself, or with another vampire?_ I ran through the house. Her scent was strongest in my bedroom and in the living room near the piano. There was a half-empty box of cereal in the pantry, and milk that wasn't yet outdated. _She's been here recently, _I thought, _with the intention of being here long enough to require food. _

_What happened to you, Bella? What happened when I left? _I wished she could answer me, but I knew it was a moot point. I would never hear her sweet voice again. I shut my eyes tightly and tried to push the memories from my mind before they started, but I was completely overwhelmed by _her_.

_The smell of her hair as she crawled into bed every night. The innocence in her smile when I would whisper in her ear. The color of her eyes as she studied my expression. The smell of her skin as she slept wrapped in my arms. The warmth of her flesh as she dreamed. The pink of her blush when I would dazzle her. The taste of her lips as she whispered my name. The feel of her casual touch when we walked, holding hands. The sound of her laugh. The sound of her heartbeat. _

The memories of our short time spent together broke me.

"STOP!" I cried out as I fell to the kitchen floor in a crumpled mess. "_Stop…_" My voice trembled as I sobbed.

./.

I sat in silence for a long time before I walked back into the living room. _Another hour,_ I told myself. _Another hour and they will be here, and there will be no escape or solitude. _

I sat down on the piano bench and stared at the keys. I noticed they were dust-free and covered in an oily residue. _Did she play my piano? _Towards the center of the piano, there was a key with a smear of blood in the crevice, but it was so small I couldn't tell how fresh it was. _She was here. She sat here, and bled._ My mind raced over the reasons why she would have been here in the first place, and what she would have been doing. Nothing seemed to make any sense. I only ended up with more questions, instead of answers. '_The Answers',_ I thought. _The CD might hold some information. _I decided that as soon as Alice got here, I would borrow the stereo in her car.

I was pulled back to reality by the steady rhythm of notes. My finger was twitching over three keys, causing an eerie melody to fill the house. I turned my full attention to the piano and continued to play. After the fifth repeat of the notes, I started playing a lower piece to accompany it. I closed my eyes and just let the melody echo through my mind.

Images of Bella started to shuffle through my mind; they were happy at first, but slowly turned into her sad expressions, and eventually her pained state of existence after I left her. I only shared a small portion of her life with her, but it was the best part of my entire existence. While most of the time was spent in fear over hurting her, losing her, killing her, or loving her, we did manage to share some rather happy moments together.

I could feel the venomous tears building, but they had nowhere to go; vampires couldn't cry. I recalled the few times I had witnessed Bella cry, her salty, liquid sorrow was one of the worst things I had ever witnessed. I had sworn to myself that I would do whatever it took to never see her tears again, and then I caused them to fall like the rain the day I left her.

_"I still recall the taste of your tears, echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears,"_ I sang quietly to myself. I remembered the sensation of stroking her hair as she sobbed. I could still feel her hair between my fingers as I gently comforted her. _I can never soothe her again, or wipe away her sadness._

_"My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore, scraping through my head 'till I don't want to sleep anymore."_ I knew I couldn't physically dream, but every time I closed my eyes, I pictured her in my mind. The night of the dance, the day of the baseball game, the way home from Port Angeles. All of the memories flooded my mind, but if I couldn't have her, then all I wanted was to be surrounded by nothingness.

_"You make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing, and I'm starting to scare myself,"_ I sang, trembling. All I had left was my family, but I didn't know if they would be enough. I had existed as a shell for so long. I didn't become anything until she came into my life. The thought of having to go back to my empty existence scared me tremendously.

_I can't live without her. I don't want to live without her. This world holds nothing for me anymore._

_"You always were the one to show me how, back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now."_ She had taught me so many things. Another century would never teach me the things she had; how to love, how to forgive, how to accept myself, and how to trust. I trusted her with everything. I would have happily spent the rest of her life with her if I could have been certain that I wouldn't put her in danger. She showed me I had a soul, and that I wasn't damned.

"_This thing is slowly taking me apart; grey would be the color if I had a heart."_ I felt the empty void in my chest as it seared painfully, reminding me of hole that she had left in my soul. I had given her all of my heart, and it died with her. I pressed down on the ivory keys with more force, my voice cracking as I screamed out the pain inside of me.

_"You make this all go away. You make it all go away. I just want something… I just want something I can never have."_ I shuddered, and another sob wracked my body. I felt pressure building behind my glossy eyes as they filled with more tears. My whole body was trembling with pain and fear.

_"Everywhere I look you're all I see; just a fading _fucking_ reminder of who I _used_ to be!"_I screamed out the words. I was so angry that she was taken from me. I _hated_ myself for leaving her, but for her to be taken from this world altogether was just too much. I was cursing the world, God, the sky, and anyone else that would listen. I heard multiple gasps from my right as the words left my lips. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath. Esme was standing in the doorway, with the rest of my family behind her. I could feel their eyes on me as they stood with silent minds.

I continued to scream out the words with such hatred, anguish, and remorse, I didn't even recognize my own voice. I cracked a key as I slammed the ivory with extreme force. I continued to play, shifting the melody to accommodate the broken key. My chest heaved as I shook violently, filled with anger and sadness. I filled my lungs with the scent of freesias mingled with my family, and snapped. The sadness in my broken heart was too overwhelming. Jasper groaned before collapsing to his knees.

_"I just want something, I can never have…"_ The words left my lips in a whisper. I closed my eyes tighter and pictured _my Bella._ The perfection that was once meant for me, that I abandoned. _That I had killed._

I felt wetness roll down my cheeks and linger at my chin before dripping onto the keys. I heard a gasp come from everyone behind me. I opened my eyes and turned slowly to look at them, the pain written across my face.

"Edward…" Esme said hesitantly as she reached a trembling hand out for me.

I closed my eyes and cast my head downward. I didn't need their pity, or their love. Their affection would never be enough, and their pity only angered me further. They would never know how this felt. Not even Jasper could grasp the entirety of emotions I felt because of her loss; he'd never lost his soul mate.

Esme was quickly at my side as she slowly lifted her palm to my cheek, and rubbed her thumb under my eye. The dampness smeared and her breath shuddered. "Edward, you're _crying_…"

* * *

**Song question for the chapter:** What is an underrated song that you feel holds _so_ much strength and power in the emotions it conveys that the whole world should know about it?


	10. Ch 9: Absolution pt2

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you all to share an underrated song that you thought everyone should hear. _My first answer: Cranes – Jewel. V.A.S.T. - Pretty When You Cry._  
I adore everything by Cranes, and V.A.S.T. has some amazing songs on their first album.

Chapter Playlist:  
Linkin Park – Shadow of the Day  
One Republic – Apologize  
Linkin Park – What I've Done

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

_*Tissue warning.*_

* * *

**Chapter 9 pt2  
EPOV  
Monday January 16th, 2006**

The conversation between my family was all a blur to me. I vaguely remembered questions about a funeral, and investigating the vampire's scent, and a discussion with the Quileute Tribe. I sat and stared at the drop of blood on the broken piano key. Jasper tried to help me, but I heard him murmuring the word comatose to the others frequently.

I had cried tears. They were tears of venom, but they were tears. Carlisle said he had only heard of such a thing happening once before. When Marcus' soul mate Didyme died, Marcus shed tears for days. No one had known that it was possible. My family didn't discuss the subject at length, but they decided it must happen when the soul is completely broken by the loss of its other half. True heartbreak and anguish over the loss of one's soul mate caused us to cry. I became lost in thought of Bella truly being my equal and didn't hear the rest of their discussion.

Later, they said we would wait until after the funeral to go back to Alaska. We weren't permitted to attend since it was on the reservation, but we could watch from the hill. Carlisle mentioned that they had spoken to the tribal elders about any additional information regarding the accident.

It wasn't until the day of the funeral that I really started to pay attention to my surroundings again. Esme had spent most of her time sitting at the window, or on the porch. She tried not to show how much she was hurting, but I heard every thought, and I knew the pain of losing Bella better than anyone. Jasper would run a patrol occasionally to escape the feelings in the house. He told Alice that it felt like the emotions were literally suffocating him.

Carlisle and Alice had looked into the police reports, photos, and even visited her room the second day looking for clues. They said they could smell the vampire in her room when they went, but it didn't go anywhere else in the house. That was the part that made no sense to me. I hadn't smelled anything that strong when I was there the night it all happened, yet two days later, the scent was there and just as strong as it was at our house.

_Could that have been the presence watching me? Did the stranger wait until I left to go back in for whatever evidence I had missed?_

I sighed in frustration as the events of the past few days swam in my head. Carlisle asked me to go back to Bella's room to see if anything had been taken, and I agreed. We decided to go just before the funeral so no one would know we had been there. Carlisle came in with me, while the rest of the family waited just inside the forest's edge. I glanced around the room quickly; everything was in the same condition. I looked at the bed, the rocking chair, the closet, the floor; everything was in the same place. As my eyes floated to the desk, I paused.

"What is it, Edward? What's wrong?" Carlisle asked calmly.

"Her notebooks. There were half a dozen of them stacked on her desk in a mess, and they are all gone. All of them. Why would anyone take her notebooks?" I was completely confused. _What would a vampire want with Bella's thoughts, and notes?_

"What were they? School notes? A diary?"

"They were like sketch books and diaries of thoughts and phrases. I'm not certain what they said, I only read the first two pages. I felt bad for intruding on her privacy… I should have looked. They could be important." I was speaking more to myself, than my Father.

"What did those two pages say, Edward? You're right, it could be important."

"They… it was just sketches of eyes; eyes filled with all sorts of emotion. The second page was of crying eyes, but they looked like hers, and on the bottom corner…" I swallowed and shook my head, remembering. "She had written 'Never is a promise' at the bottom."

I didn't want to be there any longer. I was surrounded by her things, her life, her memory. I just wanted to run as far away as I could, and not have to face this anymore. I swallowed again and shuddered. I wanted to run away from her again. I suppressed the urge to run, telling myself that I couldn't leave everything behind me anymore. I had to face what I had done to her, to us.

"Does that mean anything to you? Was that something she said often, or lyrics she listened to?"

"Lyrics? Oh my God, the CD!" I turned to leave, but Carlisle grabbed my arm.

"What CD, Edward? Are they lyrics from a CD?" I could tell he was losing his patience.

"No, I found a CD in her disc-player that had a song on loop. It was playing in Alice's vision and I completely forgot about it. I need to listen to the song!" I was frantic. That song could hold a clue.

"But the words, Edward, what do they mean to you? We can listen to the song in a moment."

"They… when I left her, I told her that it would be as if I never existed, that she would never see me again. Maybe she… was coming to realize that it was a promise," I said quietly. I had finally admitted it out loud.

Carlisle stood and looked at me for a moment, processing the information. _'You never told us exactly what you told her that day. If she had truly taken that as a promise, I… I can only imagine the pain she felt,' _he thought before releasing my arm. "Where is the CD?" he asked after another moment of silence.

I pulled it from my back pocket and handed it to him. He turned and placed it into the player beside her desk.

"What track was on repeat? We can all listen to it together. You don't need to grieve alone, Edward," he spoke softly.

"Track thirteen," was all I said. I sat on the edge of her bed and wrapped my arms around my ribs. Alice and Esme came into Bella's room and sat on the other side of the bed while Emmett, Jasper, and Rosalie stood just inside the door. Her room looked so small and crowded with this many people, it didn't feel right.

Jasper sensed my awkwardness and sent me a wave of calm and comfort. Esme squeezed my shoulder gently, thinking consoling thoughts. Carlisle pressed play and turned up the volume. A loud cheering erupted as a guitar started to play a sad melody. Soon, the vocals filled the room, and I could feel the sorrow in the song.

_"Have you ever been so lonely, there's no one there to hold? Just pull me in or disown me."_

The words struck me with a fierce emotional pain that caused me to tremble. _Is this how she felt before she died? _I could hear everyone else thinking something similar. The lyrics were so sad and empty. It tore at me from the inside.

_"Just hold my hand to show some concern for if I live or die."_

I heard Esme gasp as her hand flew to her mouth, trembling. She was remembering how she felt the day she tried to kill herself as a human. She was so full of sorrow and grief, and these lyrics mimicked her feelings so closely that it frightened her. '_Of course we care, Bella. We always cared,' _she thought. I swallowed hard and shook my head in regret.

_"The thought of ending it soon, just let me sleep in my room. Hear me, cry…."_

Alice leaned over, wrapping her arms tightly around her ribs, and sobbed. She hadn't seen any of this, and she was blaming herself for not protecting her best friend; her sister. Flashes of Bella's depression played through her head and I groaned in pain. She had been looking for her future occasionally, against my wishes. There were glimpses of Bella sitting in her window, staring at the forest, and other moments of Bella spending time with Angela at school, or in shops. A few images of Bella thrashing in her sleep as she woke up screaming confirmed Charlie's memories and I felt my heart break further.

_'I never saw her do anything to make me think she was going to kill herself though. None of this makes sense. I never got flashes of her randomly, I had to search for her every time, and I only got small pieces. Sometimes, I would get nothing at all and it scared me, but later she would appear at home. I missed her so much, Edward, I couldn't stop looking. I only looked on the days you would leave. What did I miss?' _Alice focused on Bella once again, but all she saw was black and fog. She was completely gone. The red and black had disappeared the day after they arrived, and none of us knew what it meant.

The song continued, mentioning being scared, and a gun falling to a floor. I could hear sobs from behind me as I continued to shake. Jasper was rubbing Alice's back in an effort to comfort her, but not even his ability could change the level of sorrow and grief in the room.

_'This is my fault. If I had been in better control, this would have never happened. I tried to kill my sister, my mate's best friend. Now she's truly dead, and it's my fault,'_ Jasper thought. _'I'm so sorry, Edward. This is completely my fault.'_

I wanted to tell him it wasn't his fault and that I didn't blame him. I knew deep down that it wasn't his fault, but I couldn't let myself forgive anything or anyone yet. I had made this bed and now I had to lie in it. I was being _forced_ to lie in it. This was not the path I thought I would choose. This was not how things should have been. Fate could be such a cruel mistress, but I was the only one to blame for this destiny.

_"But maybe life's not for everyone."_

I clenched my fists and cried out, pounding at my temples with the rage and despair I felt towards myself for having done this to her. I felt a hand on my shoulder and another arm pulling me into an embrace. I pushed my arms out, forcing the contact away. "No!" I cried, "Don't touch me! I destroy everything…"

Esme gasped and sobbed as Alice shook and flinched away from me.

"Edward, she had this song on repeat?" Carlisle asked me quietly.

I nodded and wrapped my arms more tightly around my torso. _I did this to her._

"Edward, Son, we should leave. The funeral will be starting soon," Carlisle said calmly, placing his hand on my shoulder.

I turned my back on him and walked out of the house. I took off running towards La Push beach, without waiting for them. When I reached the cliffs overlooking the beach, I saw a bonfire below. Dozens of people sat on the rows of logs that were placed around the fire. A large poster-board with Bella's picture was set off to the side on a stand with hundreds of flowers below it.

They couldn't hold a traditional funeral since there was nothing to bury. The remains had been burned so badly that they could only salvage ashes. There was a small wooden box on the ground beside the picture, and Charlie was seated closest to them. I scanned the rest of the crowd and recognized Renee and Phil walking up to the front.

I took a seat on the edge of the cliff and watched the people gather. They exchanged embraces and words of comfort as they took a seat and stared at the bonfire. They were too far away for me to hear their thoughts. Alice and Jasper caught up to me first and took a seat to my left. Alice sat closest to me and leaned her head on my shoulder. She reached down and took my hand in hers. I sighed deeply but didn't move or take my eyes off of the bonfire.

The rest of the family joined us shortly after. Esme sat on my right with Carlisle beside her, and Rosalie and Emmett sat beside him. We watched in silence for an hour as the service was held. People took turns speaking, and when they were finished with what they had to say, they tossed a folded piece of paper into the bonfire. When Angela's father stood and spoke, everyone bowed their head. We couldn't hear the prayer, but we bowed our heads as well. We took each other's hands as Carlisle said a prayer.

"That which was from the beginning, which we have heard, which we have seen with our eyes, which we have looked upon and touched with our hands, concerning the word of life, the life was made manifest, and we saw it, and testify to it, and proclaim to you the eternal life which was with the Father and was made manifest to us. Amen," he said softly and looked back at the bonfire. I recognized the passage as John 1:1. It was about remembering that life is precious and that it exists in everything and should be cherished. I had failed in cherishing Bella.

The sun was setting and the sky was lit up with vibrant pinks and oranges. The clouds rolled over the fading sunset, dulling the colors in the sky to purple and grey hues. The beauty of twilight was nothing compared to the beauty of _my Bella_. A crack of thunder sounded, just as a flash of lightening split the sky. The storm was close. Everything darkened and the clouds released Heaven's tears.

The rain poured down upon the service, causing the flames to die out. I watched as Charlie picked up the wooden box and walked towards the crashing waves of the shore. He paused for a long moment with his eyes fixed on the horizon. He looked up at the sky and took a deep breath. A gust of wind blew furiously as he opened the box. He tipped the box over in his hands, into the water and watched as the ashes floated through the air, the wind carrying them over the ocean in a grey cloud.

My body trembled so violently that I couldn't hold it in any longer. Every emotion came pouring out so strongly; I could feel the grief flood my mind, body and soul. My arms tightened around myself as I let out a deep sob, and moaned. I cried as I watched the sun fully submerge itself beneath the ocean's horizon, taking with it the last bit of light in the sky, and consequentially, my world. The rain beat down heavily, soaking my body with nature's tears as I shed my own.

_"And the sun will set for you, the sun will set for you,"_ I murmured quietly, my eyes fixed where the sun had disappeared into the water.

_"And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun, will set for you,"_ I sang louder as I rocked back and forth, in a trance.

I paused, taking a shaky breath before I sang my goodbye. _"Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple… Sometimes goodbye's the only way."_ I closed my eyes and saw her face, tear-stained and somber; the same as the day I had left her.

_"And the sun will set for you; the sun will set for you. And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in grey. And the sun will set for you…" _I opened my eyes slowly and looked down at my knees curled up close to my chest. I took in a deep breath and looked to the sky. The rain washed over my face, tracing the same lines my tears had.

"I love you, my Bella. _Goodbye._"

./.

After the funeral, Carlisle asked me if I wanted to speak with the wolf pack. Apparently, they were phasing again, and their pack was now over half a dozen strong. I knew he wanted me to speak with them to see if they were lying, but I decided against it. I didn't want to stay in Forks any longer than necessary, and they had little reason to lie about her death. What could they be hiding? Bella? No, the little bit of evidence that made sense pointed to an accident. As far as they knew, it was just an unforeseeable tragedy.

Her car had swerved off the road and smashed into a boulder. It rolled into a ditch where it then hit another boulder, trapping her inside the car, and caught fire. What didn't make much sense was why she was driving that direction in the first place, or why there was blood in her room.

There were no human remains found, and the only identifiable objects linking her to the scene was the turquoise bracelet she had been wearing that day and her wallet along with a few scraps of the clothing that she had been wearing.

Carlisle told me we could still continue to look into it if I felt the need to. Of course, I wanted to know exactly what had happened, but I couldn't see a way of getting answers. Her scent was found at her house, our house, and inside the truck. Her notebooks were gone, no 'body' was left for identification and the Quileute tribe said they had no further information. They seemed just as distraught as Charlie.

We spent the rest of the day discussing possibilities of who the vampire could be, and even called Laurent. He said he hadn't had contact with Victoria since he left the baseball field that fateful evening and that he was living happily with Irina in Alaska. The Denali sisters confirmed he had never left, was adhering to the vegetarian diet, and had no contact with anyone outside of their coven.

We had nothing. No leads, no clues, and no possible scenarios besides the one presented in the police report. Looking into it further would require some serious hacking, stealing, or bribing, all of which could possibly be traced back to us, and then we would look guilty.

I had to agree with Carlisle, there was nothing more that we could do. We had no one to blame or seek justice from except myself.

While Carlisle and Emmett fueled the vehicles, Jasper, Alice and I sat in the living room. We had all of our musical equipment with us as the family had come directly from the club. Alice had her drum, and Jasper had his guitar.

A melody began to flow through me as I sat at the piano. It had a feeling of purpose, and dedication to it. It was strong, but filled with regret and sorrow. My fingers flew across the keys as I swayed on the bench.

I thought of all the things I had said to her, and how I had hurt her. I had hung my head in regret every day for having walked away from her. The song seemed to come from deep inside of me as I sang about myself, and my guilt. She had been begging me to not go, to not break her heart, but I pretended I didn't hear her pleas. I acted as if they meant nothing to me, like she meant nothing to me. I knew she would have apologized for anything and everything if it would have kept me there, but it she was not the one who needed to apologize, it was me. Now I never would have that chance.

As the first verse ended, I picked up the tempo. Jasper strummed light chords to match the piano and Alice's hands glided over the drum in a simple rhythm that matched the beat perfectly.

_"It's too late to apologize, it's too late,"_ I sang out loudly, my fingers dancing over the keys. I repeated the phrase, wishing she could hear my apology and forgive my foolish choices. A part of me wanted to beg for forgiveness, but I knew I didn't deserve it.

_"I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. And I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new."_ Alice's rhythm changed to something softer that matched the tempo of a human heart. I sang of my love for Bella as it chilled my bones. I called her my angel, and my heaven, but neither would ever come close to Bella. I took a deep breath and stilled my hands over the keys; the music stopped entirely.

_"But I'm afraid!" _I cried out, screaming the words at the ceiling, the heavens, God, and any being that would listen. I was truly afraid to live without her. I didn't deserve to walk this earth with her, but I didn't feel right walking it without her.

I leaned into the piano and started the melody again, playing it faster than before as I cried out the chorus. I was filled with so much emotion that it was a wonder Jasper could tolerate being near me. Maybe the car ride home would be too much for him, and he would kill me then and there. I could only dream of a sweet and quick death, although I knew Hell was my destination.

When we finished the song, I sat in silence for a few minutes. I could already hear a new song forming in my mind. It seemed the loss of my love was quite the muse for melodies, but I would have given up everything musical, everything precious to me if I could have her back.

Perhaps that was my hell. No death, no pain, no burning; just a constant reminder through angst-inspired music and lyrics. I swore to myself at that exact moment that I would never stop making music, or playing until the day I left this existence. This would be my memorial to Bella. This would be my constant reminder of the pain I caused her. This would be my self-sacrifice, my own personal damnation.

My fingers began to glide over the keys once more. This time, the notes were slower and flowed like water. Jasper immediately played a lower tune and slid his hands over the frets to match my tempo. Alice played a soft beat at the edge of the drum, making light, crisp notes ring out over our harmony. I took in a steady breath, and focused on the lyrics forming in my mind.

_"In this farewell, there's no blood, there's no alibis. Cause I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies,"_ I sang so softly it came out lighter than a whisper. The song was so gentle it could be a lullaby. _"So let mercy come and wash away..."_ I took a deep breath and shifted into a higher range.

_"What I've done. I'll face myself to cross out what I've become. Erase myself and let go of what I've done,"_ I sang. I imagined my past being erased so easily of all of my choices and mistakes.

She would have always forgiven my past. She had been determined that I had a soul and was not a monster. She was right; the monster didn't exist until I lied to her and broke her heart, killing her in the process. Without her, I was no one – _nothing_. I spoke of forgiving myself, and starting over. While this would never be true, I could never forgive my actions and their outcomes, I _would_ forgive myself of my past demons, as she would have wanted. My lies and her death would be my only burdens. I would carry them on my back, in my heart, and in my shattered soul for the rest of my existence; for her. My music would be for her, and my lyrics would be my memories of my love living on. For her.

This would always be for Bella. _Always_, and _forever_. But how long would my forever be?

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**Song question of the chapter: **What's the saddest song you've ever heard? A song that brings tears to your eyes just thinking about it. Brings you to your knees, makes you gasp for air. If it's a repeat of a previous chapter answer, that's fine.


	11. Ch 10: Darkness pt1

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what song was so sad it brought you to your knees.  
_My answer: Staind – Excess Baggage._

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

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**Chapter 10 Part I  
Garrett POV  
Sunday January 15th , 2006 (same day as the attack)**

The prey in Washington was not to my liking, but occasionally I would get lucky and find a bear or mountain lion. Feeding on deer was starting to truly become boring, and I contemplated finding a hospital or blood bank. I had decided to put off the appetizing thought for a few more days in hopes I wouldn't miss another visit from my dear, little human. She had taken to visiting me for a few hours every other weeknight, and occasionally spent the night on weekends. So when the sun had begun to lower in the sky on the sixth day of no contact, I grew concerned that Bella would not visit me this weekend at all. _Had I upset her, somehow?_

As I returned to the surrounding area of Forks, I saw that there was purple smoke in the air south of the Cullen home. It looked to be near Bella's house, but I had only been there once, so I couldn't be certain that is wasn't from one of the other homes nearby. However, _purple_ smoke only meant one thing: a burning vampire. I let my instincts carry me to her home; I was filled with panic and concern. When I reached the forest-edge just outside her house, I came to a sudden halt.

_Wolves. What would they be doing here?_

Just outside of Bella's house, were three wolf-boys, only wearing shorts. They must have smelled me, because they stopped arguing, turned around quickly, and growled deeply. I held my hands up in the air, showing what I meant no harm. I searched for their essences or cores and was surprised when I could only sense one. It was _incredibly_ strong. In fact, it was the strongest core I had _ever_ come across. Were the other two boys like Bella, with silent cores? Sam with the strong core walked toward me slowly. I mimicked his actions, taking slow steps to meet him just on the other side of the road.

"You must be Garrett. I'm Sam, the Alpha of this Pack, and I want the truth! Were you involved in this?" Sam asked quickly, his tone harsh.

"I don't even know what 'this' is referring to, so I think I can safely say that no, I was not," I said, enunciating each word, making sure to keep eye contact.

"He could be lying! He's a leech, it's what they do!" the boy on his right said as he shook violently. For a moment, I thought he was going to snap, but Sam put his hand on his shoulder and he calmed instantly. _How intriguing._

"I noticed the purple smoke, and came to investigate. It was rather close to Bella's house, and I wanted to make sure she was okay. I haven't seen her for a few days and was growing concerned. May I speak with her?" I said slowly, keeping my stance calm and non-threatening. I was outnumbered, and didn't know much more than Bella about how these creatures acted. I tried to sort through the scents for Bella, but the musk of wet dog permeated the air so heavily that searching for her smell felt useless.

I could sense Sam weighing a decision. _Bingo._ I pulled at his core, the small part of him that weighed his decisions and conscience, and tugged him to agree with me. I shifted him in the direction of believing me and letting me know what was going on.

"I'm afraid that's not possible."

_What? That makes no sense. I can sense him, I changed his decision. _I looked at him with a confused expression.

"Bella was attacked by two vampires. We managed to _kill_ the boy," he said, emphasizing their accomplishments smugly. His expression quickly fell into a grimace. "…but I'm afraid the redhead got away. The boy seemed to have some kind of power at covering their trail. We hadn't detected the redhead in the area for over a month, so we thought that maybe she had moved on. We didn't know that the new boy was covering their scent. We only discovered that Bella was in trouble because of the loud music. One of my Pack is rather fond of Bella and during his patrol he decided to check on her. When he sensed something was wrong, he called for backup. We got here as fast as we could... I'm only telling you this because Bella once asked me… _us _to trust you, and perhaps you know something that can help. We don't know if this was planned or just opportunity, but either way, we were too late," he said slowly, with a somber expression.

"Victoria? She was here? What do you mean you were too late? Where is Bella?" I asked in a panic. Why would Victoria have come here now? Why can't I smell Bella?

"You know this vampire?" Sam asked through a snarl. "Was she with you?"

"No, I only know _of_ her. She was the mate of the vampire the Cullens killed last summer. Surely you were aware of the situation?" How could they not know? Bella was in a cast for months, and missing for three days. How much did these pups not know?

"The Cullens killed another of their kind? Why would they do such a thing?"

I sighed. _Apparently, you know nothing. _"Alright, we'll start over from the beginning, then. A coven of three came across the Cullens while they were out with Bella. The leader, James, who happened to be a tracker, took a liking to Bella's floral scent. He made a game of it, and lost. The Cullens killed him in Phoenix, but Bella was hurt in the process somehow. Apparently, Victoria was the trackers-mate."

"I still don't follow," Sam said, "why would Victoria come back to kill Bella now?"

"My kind, well… we don't mate frivolously. We mate for life, and when one of us loses our mate, something snaps inside our soul. Victoria probably figured she would take Edward's mate, just as he had taken hers," I explained. I was growing tired of the history lesson, and decided to press my previous question. "Now that you are caught up, may I speak to Bella?"

"As I told you, that isn't possible. She was bitten before we could stop them. She seems to be in some kind of trance, and isn't responding," he said with a sigh.

I was across the lawn and in her house faster than they could blink. Bella was on her bedroom floor, covered in her own blood. Her eyes were wide open, and seemed fear-stricken. She looked around the room, but her eyes never settled on anything for more than a few seconds. I knelt beside her and cupped her cheek in my palm. I could smell her blood mixed with the sweet scent of venom. It was probably too late to save her.

"I'm so sorry, sweet Bella," I whispered softly in her ear.

I felt extreme warmth on my shoulder, and looked up into Sam's eyes again. He was watching me carefully. I could sense in his core that he was trying to decide whether he could trust me or not. I tugged at his alliance with me as my eyes shifted back down to Bella.

"Is there anything you can do for her?" he asked.

I sighed deeply and closed my eyes. I leaned in close to her skin and licked at her wound on her collar bone. I tasted the sweetness of the venom. I took in a deep inhalation of her scent and shook my head. Being this close to her while she bled would normally have me in a frenzy, but once the venom was in the system, the blood became soured to us, and undesirable.

"No, the venom has already passed through her heart. There is no stopping the change now," I answered solemnly. _I'm sorry, Bella. I can't stop it, and I can't save you._

"Can you put her out of her discomfort?" he asked me hesitantly. There were a few gasps in the hallway behind me.

"No, I'm afraid you can't destroy someone while they are mid change. Anything you attempt would only be repaired by the venom, short of burning— but, to burn while changing… I… I would never wish that on anyone, not even my worst enemy. To burn while one was changing could take over a day, and would be the most excruciating pain."

_The sound of the screams echoing throughout the stone rooms and the smell of burning flesh mixed with the sweet incense of venom. The body repairing almost as quickly as it burned, melting the flesh and exposing the tendons. _

I shook my head at the memory and shuddered. Two of the wolves were arguing in the hallway.

"No, Jake. She can't stay here. She would be a threat to everyone here," Sam said.

"But, Sam! She's like family! We can't just leave her alone somewhere and expect her to run off once she comes around. That's not fair to her!" The other boy said as he pushed his way into the room and stood beside me, shaking.

"I know, Jake, but she can't stay here either," said Sam.

"I'll take her," I interjected quietly. I stared into Bella's eyes as they shifted to me and blinked. She still looked terrified, but I recognized something else in her eye, I just couldn't be certain what it was. I smiled at her softly and rubbed the back of her hand. She blinked again and looked straight up at the ceiling. _Why aren't you screaming yet? _She had told me that she cried out when James bit her, so why wasn't she doing so now?

"Are you sure?" Sam asked, "You barely know her, you—"

"I said, I'll take her," I replied confidently. I placed my arms under her gently and lifted her small frame to my chest. I cradled her to my body as I took her downstairs and outside.

"Where will you go? I can't permit you to stay anywhere near Forks, or Washington," Sam said as he followed me outside. The other boys looked as though they wanted to argue, but couldn't. I sensed Sam's core again and noticed that the boys following him seemed to be attached to him with a thin line of energy. _Interesting. He is connected to them. A physical and mental leader perhaps?_

"I'll take her north. We will leave the state, and when she wakes I will teach her what she needs to know about our life. I will look after her as if she was my own, and I was her sire," I said calmly as I crossed into the forest, not wanting to stand around outside her house.

The pack followed me a short distance into the woods until I stopped and turned around. "What will you do about her family, and the story?"

"We'll make it look like an accident. We'll take her truck and crash it, making sure it catches fire and burns. We need to think this through and make sure the evidence is solid. I don't want anyone looking into this anymore than necessary," Sam said.

"Well, then you need some of her belongings that her father will recognize to be in the truck. Also, make sure that something she was wearing today is left only partially burned. Make the accident look as realistic as possible. Maybe a gas can in her truck, and roll it into something, trapping the driver's side. We should change her into different clothing, so these ones can be at the scene. Make sure enough of the truck burns to be realistic to destroy all DNA, and bone fragments. The truck will need to leave real skid marks, or else it won't add up, so one of you gets to play driver," I added.

"I'll do it," the boy named Jake said. I nodded at him appreciatively; he seemed attached to Bella. His eyes shifted upwards to Sam, seeking approval. I felt Sam's core as he made the decision and nodded. The link between them grew brighter for a second. _This Alpha thing is odd, _I thought. Jake gazed back down at Bella as I continued to speak.

"Alright. Be thorough. We need everyone to believe it was an accident and only involved her. Clean up the scene at the room if you have time, but focus on the accident. I will be back around four in the morning to get some of her belongings. That should give me enough time to figure out where I am going, and how to get there. Also, her father will hopefully be exhausted from the sorrow of losing his daughter and be asleep."

"You can have my Jeep. If you are going north, you'll need a good vehicle for the snow. It's a Grand Cherokee, in great condition. I don't use it much anymore. I can say I sold it to someone in Port Angeles today. Emily and I have been talking about selling it."

The kindness I was getting from the pack was awkward, but I hadn't sensed any decisions to fool me in any way. I had to trust them, and they had to trust me.

"Thank you, Sam, that is very kind of you. That will help to cover our scent. How about you get the papers and the car, and bring them up to the Cullens' house. Don't come down the driveway though; leave it at the side of the road.

"I will change Bella into new clothes. Does anyone know when her father will be home?" I asked.

"It's just after four now, so in a little less than two hours," Jake said. I nodded at him appreciatively.

"Alright, then you should get to work. Bring a pair of her most comfortable clothes, and don't forget shoes and a jacket," I said to the boy.

Sam watched Jake dash back into the house and turned back to me.

"Thank you, Garrett, for taking care of her. If only the Cullens would have been as kind to her. She needed more friends in her life. I hope you can be that for her now. I'll have the vehicle ready and waiting for you at just after three in the morning."

"That should work fine. I can pay you for the jeep. I don't want you getting in trouble for not coming home with the money," I offered.

"No, it's fine, don't worry about it. Please, just look after her. She was like family to us at the Rez," Sam said as he looked down at Bella in my arms.

I nodded and glanced down at her. Her eyes were shut tightly as she gripped my shirt. _I've never seen someone change so quietly before._ "I promise to help her in any way she needs. I will not abandon her. She is like a little sister to me. I know that must sound strange considering how long I've known her," I said protectively.

"I understand what you mean. She seems to have the ability to draw everyone in and force them to get along, for her sake. She has everyone wrapped around her finger, doesn't she?" he said, a faint smile appearing on his lips, reminiscent.

I nodded and tried to smile. _How right you are, Sam. Maybe that will be your talent, little human. _I shook my head at the thought. I couldn't call her that anymore. My nickname for her would no longer fit.

"Sam." I hesitated. _How do I ask this without upsetting him? _"May I ask how Victoria got away? You said that you killed the boy, but I'm still confused as to how this all happened." I hoped he wouldn't take offense to my questioning of their skill at killing my kind. I chanced a look at Sam to determine his reaction and was surprised at his somber expression.

"We figured Victoria must have some kind of talent to avoid being captured. If luck could ever be a gift, she has it in spades." Sam grimaced as he sighed. He appeared to be in deep thought. _What I wouldn't give to be a mind reader._

"What do you mean? You've tried to catch her before?" I asked.

"Yes. She's been around ever since the Cullens left, but she always managed to escape us. We weren't sure what it was that she wanted, but we knew by her red eyes that she wasn't with the Cullens. Last month, however, she stopped coming around. There was no scent of her anywhere, so we figured she'd moved on. We had _no idea_ she was trying to get to Bella. If we had known…" He looked like he was in pain. This turn of events was certainly weighing heavily on his conscience.

"It's not your fault, Sam." I looked back down at Bella. Her eyes were still shut and her eyebrows were furrowed. _I'm so sorry, Little-Bit._ I wanted to smile at my new nickname for her, but I couldn't; not while I knew how much pain she was in.

Sam shook his head and sighed. "When Jake heard her loud music being played, we all heard his concern. We're all linked when we're _phased_ and can hear each other's thoughts. I told him to check on her and sent Embry to take over Jake's patrol. The next thing I knew, Jake was yelling in his head 'Not her' and Bella was screaming. I guess Victoria could smell Jake, because she took off out the window, but the boy didn't follow. I think he was a newborn and couldn't resist the temptation of blood.

"Jake found him still drinking from her and caught him off guard. One bite at the boy's throat, and he was finished. We watched in terror through Jake's mind as he dragged the body out the window and into the woods behind the house to tear him apart. We couldn't believe there was another vampire, and he had gone after Bella. We all left patrol and split up to try and find Victoria, but history told us that she would escape. Bella quickly became our priority, and we stopped the search.

"When I reached the house, Embry had already arrived and started the fire a half mile away from the house, and Jake…" he paused and closed his eyes. He shook his head and took a deep breath. "Jake was shaking, I was afraid he might _phase_, but he wouldn't let go of Bella. He kept muttering, 'Not her'. I didn't know what to do. They look to me for decisions, and I didn't know what to do."

His eyes seemed so far away as he stared at Bella. I felt torn. I wanted to hear the rest of the story, but didn't want to interrupt him. I decided that I would wait for him to continue. After a few more seconds, he closed his eyes, and took a breath before looking back up at me.

"I don't know if we should expect Victoria back anytime soon. I don't know if we should keep a constant patrol around Charlie, in case she decides to go after him as well. _I don't know._ I don't know what to do," he said quietly.

"It's not your fault, Sam. The Cullens started this whole mess, and regretfully, everyone else has to pay for it, and clean it up. I'm thankful to you and your pack for looking out for her. I think keeping an eye out for Charlie would be a good idea. I doubt Victoria will stop. She might assume that Bella is dead, but I wouldn't be surprised if she returned. What do you plan to do if the Cullens return?" I asked.

"Why would they? They don't care about Bella," he scoffed.

"Well, they do have a member of their coven with the gift of future sight. Perhaps she saw this chain of events? It would be good to have a solid plan to cover all of the possibilities. Also, Edward is a mind-reader, so if he _were_ to return, he could see that you are hiding something. You need to perfect your story, and keep your mind focused on something to avoid thinking about what has truly happened. You will need to be extremely cautious with your thoughts," I explained.

"I see. I was not aware of their specific talents. Thank you, Garrett. You have been very helpful, and I will not forget all that you have done for us, and for the Swans." Sam reached out his hand and held my gaze.

He was truly trying to be respectful. We were complete enemies, and yet this tiny figure that lay limp in my arms had brought us together. I shifted Bella against my chest so that I could support her with one arm. I shook Sam's hand, his palm radiating an intense heat that startled me, and nodded my thanks. He looked back down at Bella as our hands parted and he sighed.

"I wish there was more that I could do for her. Will she be okay? Did she even want this life?" Sam asked, concerned.

Before I could answer, Jake returned with a new wardrobe for her. I set her down gently in the grass and took the clothes from Jake. They both looked at me curiously, uncertain of how I intended to change her clothing. I sighed and took off her shoes and bracelet and jacket first, setting them on the ground beside her. I leaned over her to block them from viewing her full body. With vampire speed I peeled an article of clothing off her and replaced it just as quickly. I left her underwear and bra in place, not wanting to disturb her too much, or violate her privacy. Her scars, however, would be burned into my memory. They were all over her upper arms and abdomen, varying in length. I didn't realize until that moment how many scars she had given herself, and just how _deep_ some of them ran.

Within seconds, she was fully changed and a neat pile of clothing lay beside her. I stood back up and scooped her up in my arms. The two boys stood, watching with a slightly shocked expression, but said nothing. Jake took the clothing and looked at Bella one last time.

"Bye, Bells. I'm so sorry. I'll take care of Charlie, so just take care of _you_ okay?" He leaned in and slid his thumb across her cheek as he attempted to smile. He quickly turned and bolted back to the truck. It roared to life noisily and pulled out of the driveway. Two more wolf-boys jumped in the back before it shifted gears and drove down the road, and out of town.

Sam and I said our quick goodbyes before I ran back to the Cullens' vacant house. I dashed inside and sat at the piano bench with Bella still cradled in my arms. Her eyes opened quickly and locked onto my face. I tried to 'shh' her, but I knew that it was useless. She would be in severe pain and agony for three long days, and nothing could ease that journey for her.

I played her a few songs on the piano to let her know that I was still here for her. Her bloodied hand rested on a key near the center of the piano, making the note linger until it naturally faded out. She gripped the piano tightly with one hand, while the other still held onto my shirt. I wondered if she was trying to tell me something.

I sighed in frustration as I kissed the top of her head.

"You'll be okay, Little-Bit. It will all be over in less than seventy-two hours. We are going to go north, up into Canada, or maybe Alaska. Do you have any preference?" I asked her, smiling into her eyes. She just stared at me, gripping my shirt more tightly.

"Canada?" I asked, but of course, she didn't respond. "Alright, how about Alaska?"

She trembled slightly, and gritted her teeth as she shut her eyes. _Is that a yes, or a no, I wonder? _

"Alright, Alaska it is. Less people there anyway, so it'll make hunting easier for the first year."

I spent the next few hours just talking to her. I told her about the history of Alaska, and how some of the cities got their names. I described the different tastes of wild animals that could be found in Alaska. Eventually, her eyelids fluttered closed, signaling that the change had swung into full effect. It would begin by flooding her organs with venom and forcing the toxins out. She would be in excruciating pain for the next thirty-some-odd-hours, and completely incoherent. I almost expected her to start screaming the moment it took full control, but she still remained silent. _Quite the fighter._

At three a.m. I heard a vehicle come to a stop outside. Sam closed the door, and left quietly. He never came up to the house. I didn't want to leave a trail of our scent, and the use of a car was the perfect way. If anyone came looking with a strong enough tracking ability, they would smell our scent at the Cullen house, and at her house, but they wouldn't be able to smell the trail from the vehicle that well. Once we got out onto the open road, there would be no following us.

After another hour, I went upstairs and set Bella in the room I had first found her in when I arrived in Forks. She always seemed the most comfortable in this room, so I decided it was as good a place as any.

"I'll be back within an hour, Little-Bit. I'm going to go get a few of your things, okay? Your father should be asleep by now, so I shouldn't disturb him." I kissed her on the top of her head and patted the back of her hand. Her temperature was soaring.

I returned to her house using the trail I had made earlier. I didn't want to leave multiple trails in case a vampire came along. When I reached her house, I crouched outside for a moment to listen for heartbeat. One steady rhythm could be heard in the upstairs, rear bedroom. It was quiet and slow, which meant that he was asleep.

As I got closer to her window, I smelled another vampire's scent. _Something's off. No one else should have been here. _I inhaled deeper. It smelled similar to the scent that lingered in the room I had just left Bella in, but I couldn't be certain. _Cullens, already? Well, they do have a future seer. _It was so strong that I was tempted to follow its trail into the forest, but I couldn't leave Bella for very long. It didn't go in the same direction as the vacant house, or the reservation, so I reminded myself that Bella was my priority. _Cullens be damned._

I slipped through her window, and stepped carefully. I grabbed her notebooks and slid them into a bag. I knew she would want her poetry, lyrics and drawings. I studied the rest of her room and tried to think of what else she may want. I didn't see any large collections of photos, or knick-knacks sitting out. I looked through the drawers in her desk and nightstand, and found a picture of a woman who looked just like Bella, and a man. Below that picture was an older, more worn out photo of her father, holding what looked to be a one-year-old Bella. I took both photos and slipped them into the bag.

I opened her closet slowly, making sure it didn't squeak, and stepped inside. I took a few of her clothes and added them to the pile of her belongings. I found a rather snazzy-looking, knee-length coat and grabbed it as well. I took one last look around her room and climbed out the window with her possessions.

_I hope I got the important stuff, Little-Bit, _I thought to myself.

I followed my own trail back to the Cullens', and dashed up the stairs to Bella. She was shaking violently but remained completely silent. Her eyes were squeezed shut and her fists were balled at her sides. I slung my guitar over my shoulder, slid the backpack into place and checked my pockets. _Smokes, lighter, pick, photos, wallet, comb. Yep, got everything. _I reached down, picked up Bella gently, and held her to my chest. I kissed the top of her head and left the Cullen house for the last time.

I carried her swiftly to the jeep, right where Sam had left it. The vehicle's keys and paperwork lay on the driver's seat. There was also a cell phone and a piece of paper with a number on it that said '_In case of emergency. Take care of her._'

I drove South, straight through Olympia, then East toward Seattle. We passed the Washington state border into British Columbia in a little less than five hours. It would have been a much faster trip if we had taken the ferry from Port Angeles, but I wanted to stay in the car.

./.

We made it across the border without any issues, and I settled in for a long drive. I stopped every 4 hours to fill up on gas and check on Bella. I took some paper towels from the public restroom and soaked them with cold water and used them to wipe down her sweating skin. I didn't remember much of my own change, but I had been told once that the cold helped ease the burning, and I would have done anything to make the transformation easier on her.

It took twelve hours to cross through British Columbia into the Northern Territories. The sun had already set by the time we finally made it to the Alaskan border.

"It's been over twenty-four hours, Little-Bit; less than forty-eight hours to go. The worst part is almost over. Hang in there for me, you're doing amazingly well." As I watched her through the rear-view mirror, she shifted on the bench seat.

The last few hours through Alaska went quickly as we drove in the darkness of the night. There would only be five hours of daylight this time of year, and the snow was coming down heavily. I feared I would have to leave the jeep behind and run the rest of the way, but we eventually made it into Tok, Alaska, and I stopped to change the tires into thicker treads and re-apply the snow chains. I tended to Bella once more before filling up and heading off to our final destination.

We drove through Central Alaska until we finally arrived in Paxson. The population was under fifty people, and was well off the beaten path. I took the jeep off-road and stopped once I came upon the small Sevenmile Lake. It was a little after six in the morning, and she had about thirty-four hours left before her pain would cease. I grabbed my guitar and picked Bella up, carrying her to the lake and setting her down on my trench coat. I sat down beside her and stared out across the frozen lake with a somber expression.

"I'm so sorry, dear Bella. I know this is the last thing you wanted, and for that I am sorry. You probably can't focus on what I am saying. Your mind should be in the beginning stages of changing right now. Your memories are probably flashing through your mind as your brain tries to restructure itself. It's like a filing cabinet that's being extended and re-organized. Your human memories are being shuffled into the back of the old cabinet, and room is being made for the new ones," I spoke to her quietly, holding her hand in mine.

I wanted to comfort her, and explain everything that was going on. For some reason, I always thought that if you could understand what was going on, you wouldn't be afraid, but I knew that she couldn't hear me yet. Her mind wouldn't be clear of all the processing for another four or five hours. Once her mind finished expanding, her brain's chemicals would burn away and venom would replace what had been eradicated.

The first thing she would remember at that point would be the burning pain. How well the mind dealt with the change, would determine how much memory would remain intact. I had seen many promising vampires turn into hard bodies with no memories due to how their mind processed the transformation. While some had proven themselves useful for certain situations, most had to be… dealt with.

I decided to pass the next few hours by playing my acoustic guitar for her. I had already played her every song I knew on the piano, which wasn't nearly as many as I knew on the guitar. I chose my favorite pieces and strummed quietly as I sang the lyrics.

After a few hours of playing my favorites, I shifted to playing my own pieces for her. I doubted she would remember much of this, but it wouldn't hurt anything. I glanced at her, bracing myself for her expression of pure agony, but was surprised when I saw her lying there, unmoving, with her eyes closed. Her jaw was clenched tightly and her fingers were curled into tight fists, but she showed no other signs of pain.

_What I would give to read her mind right now._

* * *

**Song question of the chapter:** What one song did you grow up listening to from your parents or sibling's influence that you still adore, or connect with, for any particular reason. =)


	12. Ch 10: Darkness pt2

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: BlahBlahBlah, Bikechick3]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song from your childhood that your parent's/family listened to still holds a lot of meaning for you?  
_My answer: Cat Stevens – Sad Lisa. The Doors – This is the End._  
My mother was the Beatles and Righteous Brothers fan, while my Father was The Doors, and Cat Stevens.

Chapter Playlist:  
Pink Floyd – Goodbye Blue Sky  
The Killers – All These Things That I Have Done (acoustic)  
Placebo – Running up that Hill

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**Chapter 10 pt II  
BPOV  
Tuesday January 17th, 2006**

**_"Memories are what warm you up from the inside. But they're also what tear you apart."  
- _****Murakami**

One second. That was all the time it took for my favorite dreams to be turned into my worst nightmares, and my worst nightmares to became my reality. When I felt her cool lips press into my flesh and saw her red irises widen in anticipation; I knew my fate. I didn't need the ability to see the future to know what was going to happen to me.

When Victoria pulled away, I was confused, angry even. Wasn't she supposed to drink until I was dead? Why would she let go when I was so helpless to her desires? Then her expression registered in my mind. _Panic. _The blonde boy snarled fiercely as he looked at Victoria. She turned to the boy and pointed at me, telling him to 'Finish her' before she jumped out of my window. He looked all too pleased to obey her command as he lunged at me for the second time.

He only drank for a few seconds before he stopped. By that point, I was so lost in my own mind from the pain, shock, and desperation for it all to end that I didn't notice Jake right away. My eyes rolled back in my head and my chest felt like it was caging a wild animal. My heart was beating so fast I could barely hear anything else. Panic coursed through me, and I blacked out.

At some point, I woke and saw Garrett and Sam standing over me. _No, not them, _I had thought. I didn't want _them _to witness my death. When Garrett whispered he was sorry, I wanted to scream at him. He hadn't done this to me, and now, maybe I could finally get some peace. I worried about Charlie and Renee, and how they would handle my death, and finding me like this. I was sure that once they saw my scars, they would conclude it was a suicide, and that was the last thing I wanted on their consciences. Charlie would blame himself for not having seen the signs and Renee would blame herself for allowing me to move away from her. I felt the panic and the worry kick in again, but not for me and my own situation. Instead, it was for what my death would do to them.

I couldn't really focus on anything anymore; the pain in my neck was so intense. It was worse than when James had bitten me. I tried to focus on the sounds around me as my eyes roamed uncontrollably around in their sockets, not truly seeing anything distinctive. When the Pack and Garrett began to argue about what to do with me, I wanted to tell them to hide me, to protect my parents. Then, they said something about putting me out of my discomfort. I wanted to snort. _Discomfort? Killing me would be a relief! I could only wish for such a death, and the irony was laughable._

Then I registered what they meant. Everything clicked into place, and I wanted to gasp. Discomfort from the pain of the _burning_, _not_ from death. Of course I was dying, it was inevitable. However, the _death_ was the only part of the experience I welcomed, the waking up afterwards was the part I did not. _Of course this would be my path; Karma is a cruel bitch and spares no one. _

I was mostly coherent when Garrett took me back to the house. I even remained fairly aware of my surroundings, burning in a silent agony until around the time we left in the vehicle. When he asked me if I preferred Canada or Alaska, I grimaced. Edward had told me of another coven they were close to in Alaska, and I never wanted to be reminded of the family I had lost. I guess Garrett took my grimace as a response for yes to Alaska, God knows why, and that's where we headed. I swore to get the hell out of there the moment I woke.

I listened to every word Garrett had said, and tried to focus on the music he played for me. The pain was indescribable, but I didn't let myself scream. I locked myself in my mind and focused entirely on everything I could hear.

Once we were in the vehicle, I could feel the cold venom pumping through my organs, and I knew the moment it had reached my heart. The part of me that I had thought was dead, collapsed in upon itself when _he _left, now burned with a new fever. I could feel my essence pull into my mind, trying to escape. I felt like two parts of me were battling, and I wasn't in favor of either side. I retreated to my thoughts and memories, trying to hold onto everything I could.

I knew from Alice's experience that it was possible to lose all memory of one's human life. I debated with myself if I wanted that or not. If I could get rid of all the pain of _him _and my life in Forks, would I? If it meant forgetting Renee, and Charlie, and the past eighteen years of my life, would I want to forget? I knew they couldn't be in my life anymore, and because of that I decided 'no'. I would take the pain and the heartbreak if it meant I could hold onto my love of _something, or someone_; _anyone. _I didn't want to someday take the chance of wandering across either of them before they died, and not know who they were, and hurt them all over again.

The fire in my veins intensified as it took over my entire body. All of my muscles constricted and shook as the venom burned away any DNA or resemblance to a human body. I had no idea how long it had been, but I prayed it was almost over.

It wasn't until it started to take over my brain and senses that I began to panic. I felt completely out of control, as my mind went wild, recalling all sorts of old memories. It was like it was shuffling the deck and re-filing the paperwork. I could see my entire life in extreme fast forward as it played through in a random sequence.

One moment I was watching my sixth birthday with Renee in Phoenix, surrounded by lavender balloons and decorations, and the next I was visiting Charlie for the last summer before I had stopped coming to see him altogether. The images of _him_ were the most difficult to watch, though all of the young moments when I was a toddler and my parents were still happily married were extremely upsetting as well. I would never see my father or mother, and I knew they would never share that kind of happiness again.

I wondered if my life was flashing before me because I was dying, or if it was because I was changing. So many experiences that I had never remembered were shuffled in the deck of my mind and filed away under a different name and index number. It was like learning how to catalog in an old library all over again. Every memory I could now define with a topic, key phrase, emphasized emotion, and date.

When the liquid fire began to drain from my mind, the images began to slow and I found that I could think more clearly while they were processing. A few times, I even found myself thinking multiple different things at once while the cataloging was completing. The next part of me that was overcome by excruciating pain was my lungs. Simply breathing hurt and it reminded me of all the times I would wake in the middle of the night from another dream of _him _leaving. The pressure was nearly unbearable, and the intense smells burned my nasal cavities. I could smell smoke, cedar, leather, exhaust, rubber, clove, pine, metal, gas, and a sweet scent I couldn't describe. They all lingered together, but I could easily pick each one out individually. It felt like a massive overload in processing and analysis.

When I felt something cold on my skin, I wanted to sigh in relief. _Finally something to numb the burn, _I thought. The dampness against my skin felt strange and the surface tingled. The cold almost felt like burning in a completely different way, like when I would wake up freezing cold and couldn't feel my toes and would step into a hot shower or bath. The sting of extreme hot and cold lingered until finally they became the same temperature against my body.

As the temperatures leveled out, the fire receded from my fingertips and toes. I could hear the rustling of trees and fabric. Later, there was the soft strumming of a guitar and it caught my attention. I tried to focus my eyes, but everything was still blurry. Garrett was speaking to me but his voice sounded different. I focused harder, straining to ignore the burning pain aching throughout my body. I listened to Garrett play the guitar for me and he introduced each song, telling me why each one was a favorite.

I recognized the tune, and tried to push the focus towards his playing instead of the war in my body. His talent was amazing, and would never cease to amaze me with how well he made the art of playing guitar seem to be the easiest thing in the whole world. His voice was soft and melancholy as he sang Pink Floyd.

_"The flames are all long gone, but the pain lingers on. Goodbye, blue skies. Goodbye, blue skies. Goodbye,"_ he sang quietly as he played.

I could feel my focus slowly coming around and I repeated to myself that it must be near the end. I could finally hear everything clearly and I knew what was going on around me. I wasn't scared, or nervous, or anxious, or even concerned. I was completely and utterly _pissed_. The last thing I ever wanted was to feel this loss and pain for the rest of my life. Especially for the three whole days of burning and excruciating agony knowing that the void would still be there when I woke up for all eternity. The term 'life' became 'existence' and the term 'death' became 'damned'.

Garrett shifted into songs that were his own, and most of them had an uplifting feel to them. I could sense he was trying to be affectionate, but I was already so angry that it was harder for me to focus on his lyrics. One song he played that I really took a liking to, however, was one speaking of having a soul. The song had very strong chords and was repetitive. The bridge really caught my attention.

_"I've got soul, but I'm not soldier. I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier," _he sang repeatedly, letting the last one echo out with extreme force and emotion. It was like a chant, reminding him to believe in his words. I wondered when he wrote the song and what the story was behind it. I knew a little bit about his past, but I felt like he had skipped over a lot of the more depressing parts so that he wouldn't bring me down.

It was then that my heartbeat kicked into overdrive. I could feel it pounding against my ribcage four times faster than the human 'norm'. It sounded like it had three thumps per beat. It echoed in my ears so loudly that the rest of my surroundings were muted in comparison.

_'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'_

Then a new kind of pain kicked in and I wanted to scream out as my body and mind broke. I felt myself shatter into a million pieces. I could feel each shard crumble to dust as I watched them fall. I closed my eyes tightly and took in a deep ragged breath. The fire raging inside of me was worse than before.

_'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'_

_Sometimes you have to just let the pieces fall to the floor_, I realized_, because the broken reflection is what leads to picking up the pieces in the right order to build anew_. It felt like all I could do was stare at my metaphorical reflection as the mess I had become stared back. In my mind, all I could see was what I had never wanted to become, but would forever be damned to be.

_'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'_

I hated _him. _I hated him for leaving me broken. I despised him for letting me exist when he decided to walk away. I was angry that fate was cruel enough to decide that I _too_ deserved to be damned to an existence where I would only know pain and emptiness. I was _pissed_ he was able to walk, no, _run _away from everything so easily.

_'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'_

I wished I could trade him; his century of loneliness for my newly acquired eternity of a broken and shattered heart. I wanted to show him how much it hurt when he told me he didn't want me. I wanted to plead with God, any God that would listen, to take it all away and let me show him what he had made me become. I wished _I _could run away from it all. I begged silently that _I _could take away any of his pain, only to replace it with mine. The agony he might have felt in his hundred-years was nothing compared to the hurt and devastation he left me with when he took my heart from me, and I wanted him to _hurt_.

_'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump'_

My heart beat faster in my chest, and all of my senses seemed to be set at maximum level. I could smell the frozen sap, and the sweet scent of dew and snow. I could hear the flakes as they fell to the ground around and over me. I could feel the snow as it stilled against my face delicately, but not melting. I could taste the sweetness in the air at the back of my throat as it ached. I took in another pained breath as I opened my eyes slowly, blinking rapidly.

_'Tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-thump, tha-tha-tha—'_

I gasped and my breath shuddered at the last beat. I held perfectly still. My eyes rolled to the right and I saw Garrett sitting with his legs crossed in the snow and the guitar resting on his knee. I rolled my eyes to my left and saw a jeep a few feet away parked between two trees. I looked back to my right and locked eyes with Garrett.

I turned my hands over so my palms rested in the snow. The crunching noise rang through my ears so clearly it startled me. I jumped slightly and sat up straight in a fraction of a second. I licked my lips and felt my tongue pass over my lip ring. _Odd, it's still there. _I would have thought the venom would push it out or something, although I wasn't really an expert on vampirism. I remembered that Alice and Rosalie still had their ears pierced from their humans days, so venom must not close holes in the skin that are fully healed. I continued to stare at Garrett. He never blinked or looked away, just watched me carefully with no expression.

I bent my elbows and pressed my palms further into the snow beside me as I stood slowly. I could feel something under my feet, but I refused to break eye contact.

"Set the guitar down," I said quietly, my voice an unfamiliar sound.

He blinked twice but didn't move at first. Finally, he slowly swung the strap from around his shoulder and laid the guitar down at my feet on whatever was over the snow. The moment his hand released the guitar, I lunged at him. In less than a second he was pinned to the snow, staring into my eyes with shock and panic. I snarled so viciously I frightened myself.

"You _promised,"_ I growled.

"I—"

"**YOU PROMISED!**" I screamed, my lips curling up into another snarl.

"Bella, I couldn't stop it, there's no stopping it!" he screamed back in a panic.

"Yes you could have! You could have killed me, you could have sucked the venom out, you could have stopped it! You _promised_ me!"

"Bella, once the venom reaches a certain point you can't suck it out. By the time the pack let me see you, you were already changing," he pleaded with me, but I didn't care what his excuses were. I reached my hand up to slap him but something in his eyes caught me off guard and I stopped, hand hanging mid-air.

"Bella, please. I didn't want this for you either. I know you didn't want this. I told you so many times I was sorry, but there was nothing I could do. Please, understand that," he said. He looked so sad, and lost. I could almost feel the despair rolling off of him.

"Why couldn't you have just killed me then? Finish drinking my blood, or a knife through the heart? Something, anything!" I screamed, my voice wavering with pain and frustration.

"Once you start changing, the blood is tainted and it wouldn't have done anything to stop the change. The venom had already passed through a full cycle in your veins. As for killing you…" he paused and closed his eyes. I could see him tremble slightly as he shook his head. "I couldn't do that to you Bella, I just couldn't."

"It's what I wanted! It's what you promised me, Garrett! Why?"

"The only way to kill someone while they are changing is to burn their body, but it isn't that simple. The venom is attached to the veins as it is mixing with the blood so that it repairs any damage done to the body. A person who is burned mid-change could take over a day to die, and it's the most unbearable pain imaginable. You would continually feel your flesh and muscles melting and then reforming. The fire would eventually burn the last bit of the venom, but it's a slow process of back and forth. Being rebuilt and then destroyed, until finally the body can't keep up and the venom burns as well." He kept his eyes closed as he spoke, with a somber expression etched across his face.

I wondered how he knew this. Had he seen it happen? I remembered what I was once told about Esme when she was changed. She was so broken that she was mistaken for dead. The venom first repaired the body, before attacking the cells.

"Please, Bella, believe me. I couldn't do that to you. I know you think this life is worse than death, but please understand that I couldn't put you through that. I couldn't do that to you, and I most certainly couldn't watch you die that way. I wished there was some other way, but there wasn't. I'm so sorry, Bella," he said quietly, opening his eyes to look into mine. His eyes were pitch black and creased around the sides from his sad expression.

I released my grip on him and stood up. I closed my eyes and dropped my head, wrapping my arms around myself. I felt him lift my chin and stroke my cheek as I took a shallow breath. My throat was on fire.

"Look at me, Bella. Please?"

I hesitated before I opened my lids and looked into his dark eyes.

"Please, forgive me. I know this isn't what you wanted, but maybe together we can make the best of it. I know you've lost so much in your short time alive, but this is a new life for you, and maybe you can find some light in this darkness?" He stared at me, his eyes filled with so many emotions. I closed my eyes and nodded. He wrapped me into his arms, holding me closely and tightly against his chest.

"I'm so sorry my dear, sweet Bella," he whispered in my ear.

I took a shaky breath and wrapped my arms around him as well, holding him tightly. He let out a soft whimper and I let go, looking up at him quickly.

"What? What's wrong?"

"You're stronger than me. It's one of the advantages of being a newborn. It was slightly uncomfortable, that's all," he said smiling as he stretched his shoulders back.

"Oh." I looked down, slightly embarrassed at the new knowledge. I don't know why I felt embarrassed, but if I were still human, my cheeks would have been bright pink.

"Hey." I felt his finger under my chin again. "Want to get a bite to eat?" he said, smirking at his own joke.

I couldn't stop my laughter, or my snort for that matter. I smiled back at him, nodding my head. He took my hand and dashed off toward the mountain cliff.

./.

Hunting was an experience I never could have imagined. My instincts completely took over, directing my hands and feet and mind. The taste of the bear's blood as it flowed down my throat was strange, but amazing. It wasn't something I would ever get used to or particularly enjoy. The taste wasn't horrible; it was the smell and texture I specifically didn't enjoy. I guess all of my experimenting with the smell of my own blood did me no good for this life.

After two bears, the ache in my throat was just a dull tingling sensation. I told Garrett I had had enough, and he tried to insist I would need more as a newborn. After a few moments of arguing, he gave in, not wanting to upset me. I was the stronger and faster one out of the two of us. I smiled at my small triumph and we went back to the frozen lake together.

The run was exhilarating and liberating. For the first time in eighteen years, I could carry myself on a surface with my own two feet and not make a fool of myself. In fact, I would _almost_ say I was graceful. If I had to pick one major benefit of this new life, the ability to move so quickly and effortlessly would be it.

When we reached the lake, I sat down in the same spot where I had awoken. Garrett picked up his guitar and sat across from me, smiling like a little boy with an amazing secret.

"What?" I asked him, tilting my head and smiling.

"Nothing," he replied.

"Pft, I call bullshit. What?"

"I'm just happy," he said smugly.

"Why?"

"Because, for the first time in over two and a half centuries, I have someone to share my life with," he said through his grin.

"Hey! We aren't lovers or anything, so get that part straight right here and now. We're a coven. Friends. No more, no less," I said to him in a sharp, but playful tone.

"Companions. Amigos. Brotha's… or sista's… I suppose," he said.

My head fell back and my whole body shook with laughter. "I like companions, personally. Though I can call you my sistah-brotha if it makes you feel special," I teased.

"Companions it is then," he grinned, the creases at the corners of his eyes forming.

"So, what did I miss?" I asked, shifting the conversation to a more somber mood.

"Well, what do you remember?"

"I remember the attack, and you and Sam arguing about what to do about it. I remember you talking about an accident, and changing my clothes. I remember you playing the piano and putting me in the car—"

"Wait, you remember that much?" he asked, cutting me off.

"Yeah, why?" I asked, confused.

"Nothing, just… I'm sorry, go on." He shifted his weight and rested his arm across the top of the guitar.

"I remember the long drive and you talking to me the whole way, though I can't remember much of the talking, just that it was happening. I remember feeling the venom shift through different parts of my body, first my veins, then my organs. When it got to my mind it was harder to focus on your voice, but it was still there in the background. All of my memories of my life were being shuffled through, like my mind was reorganizing every event in my human life. Even memories of when I was a baby and a toddler that I never remembered.

"After that, it moved to my lungs, and my muscles, and the burning intensified. I could hear and smell things much better and multiple things at a time, like I was cataloging every detail, and analyzing it. Then my heart started to race, and everything felt like it was on fire. I just struggled to focus on my senses and stay within my mind until it finally stopped." I took a deep breath and looked down at my hands in my lap, not wanting to see his expression.

"Oh, God, Bella…" he said so softly, his voice laced with sorrow. I felt his finger under my chin as he raised my face to look at him.

"You were conscious through all of it? Every single bit?" he asked with such sadness.

"Yeah, why? Weren't you?" I looked at him, confused. _Did I not change the same as him? As everyone?_

"Bella, it's normal to remember the first few moments of the change before the first cycle is finished, and the last few moments as venom attacks the heart, but I've never met anyone who was coherent through the entire change. How did you ever manage? You never screamed, or moved, or cried. I thought you were in a trance." He paused and shook his head, letting his hand drop from my chin back into his lap.

"Is there something wrong with me?" I asked quietly. "Did something go wrong?"

"No! Nothing is wrong with you; it's just unheard of. How did you manage to deal with the pain, and the memories?"

"I just locked myself away in my mind. It felt like my body was torn into three different pieces. My body, versus the change, verses my mind. I hid in my mind while I let the war take over my body. When the memories came, I couldn't do anything but watch them. It was almost like a dream state, but I could feel the burn at the same time. When the memories were too much to bear, I would focus on the pain, and when that got to be too much, I would retreat back into my mind." I didn't understand why this had been unheard of. How did others manage to sleep through the change, and why couldn't I?

"You hid in your mind? What do you mean? I don't understand," he said, leaning forward to take my hand with his and giving it a tight squeeze.

"It was like closing a door or a window. I just settled into my thoughts and closed the window into the rest of my body. I could still hear and vaguely see what was going on around me. I could still feel the pain as it worked through my body, but it was more like watching it, removed from it. It felt separate from my thoughts and the sounds around me. Does that make any sense?" I asked him. I didn't know how else to explain it. I simply didn't want to deal with what was happening, so I retreated in every sense of the word to my own mind.

"Bella, try and make a decision. Just anything, and linger on it, going back and forth for me. Something easy," he released my hand and stared at me intently.

I thought about taking his guitar from him to play the song that had been lingering in my head moments before I woke up. I considered trying to play any instrument with my new strength. I knew I could easily break it, and he would be upset, but I also really wanted to get this song out.

"Bella? Please?" he asked. I furrowed my brows and tilted my head.

"What? I am. I'm trying to decide if I should try playing your guitar or not, because I might break it. I still haven't decided," I said smiling.

"Huh."

"What? What is it?" I asked confused.

"I can't sense your core at all. It's like there isn't even anything there."

"So I am broken," I muttered.

"No, no. Don't be so hasty. It could be a talent. Try to open that window again. Try to feel every little thing about your body, your surroundings, your emotions," he said, sounding more excited at the idea.

I thought about _him_ and the feelings that I'd had just before my change was over; just before I died. I recalled the last few beats of my heart and the anger that it had made me feel. I knew I was damned to this life and I wanted to—

"Oh my God. I can sense it! Bella!" he cried out with the widest grin on his face.

I lost my train of thought and furrowed my brows. "What?"

"Oh. It's gone again. But I could sense it! It was there. What were you thinking about?"

"I was thinking about the last few moments before my body gave out. About how I felt, and how angry I was. How I wanted to show _him_ how much he had hurt me," I answered coldly.

"I could sense you were thinking of doing something, but it wasn't a decision I could sway or even see, but I could sense your core. It must have something to do with your mind. A talent of sorts," he said rapidly. The idea of me having a talent seemed to excite him, but I didn't get it.

"What kind of talent; a talent to run away into my own mind for safety purposes? What good does that do me?" I asked full of spite and anger.

"No, it's called a shield. There are many different kinds. I've known a few physical shields. They could throw energy, or block it from themselves or others around them. Physical attacks couldn't work on them, and they could repel energy sent at them if it was a different kind of attack. I've heard of a mental shield, but never known one to understand how it works," he explained, still more enthusiastic than seemed necessary.

"So I can block your ability to persuade choices, and I could block telepathy. Wonderful, still doesn't seem all that cool or useful to me," I mumbled and raised my knees to my chest, wrapping my arms around them tightly.

"Give it time; I'm sure there's more to it. It took me almost a decade to fully understand all of my talent's capabilities," he said casually, trying to soothe my anger and disappointment.

"Hmph."

He chuckled softly and smiled. Slowly, his face fell into a somber expression again.

"What is it?" I asked him.

"Do you remember the plan for covering up your transformation?" he asked.

"Not clearly, no. I remember someone calling it an accident and you saying it had to be believable. Why?"

"Well, the Pack had to create a believable accident to cover up your death. They decided to make it look like a car accident and your truck caught fire, leaving no traces of DNA to be identified," he explained slowly and quietly. I could tell he didn't want to be discussing this anymore than I did, but I really felt I had to know what Charlie and Renee would come to believe had happened to me.

"They left a few of your belongings in the truck, like the bracelet you had been wearing, and your wallet. They didn't get a chance to clean up the room though, so that is going to be harder to explain."

"What about Victoria and the boy? Did you guys catch them?" I asked.

"Jake killed the boy before I got there. The smoke is actually what got my attention in the first place. Victoria, however, got away." I heard him curse under his breath as he shook his head.

"I went back that night for a few of your belongings. I didn't know if you would want your family to find your notebooks with your lyrics and poetry. I took them and some of your clothes. They are in the backpack in the car."

"Thank you," I replied quietly. "For everything, Garrett. I mean it. I know this isn't the life I would have chosen, but thank you for taking care of my family, and for getting my things. You really didn't have to. I appreciate that you did," I said, trying to smile.

At least Charlie and Renee wouldn't blame themselves for my death. I hoped that Charlie would let it go, and not go investigate. I knew it would be hard on them, but this would be a better life for them than if I had lived for many more years in my broken state. I would miss my crazy, erratic mother, and my thoughtful, quiet father, but they could finally live their lives without my interference. I knew I would never be able to see them again and my chest hurt to think about it, but I could still look in on them from time to time, maybe.

"So," Garrett said, breaking my silence. "You said you had a song stuck in your head? Feel like getting it out?"

I smiled slightly and nodded. He always knew how to bring me out of my slumps and help me get my feelings out; working them into melodies. "Alright, but I can feel it deep inside myself, so let me lead? I know where this one is going, and it's very specific," I said as I straightened, rolling my shoulders back and resting my palms on my knees.

"Alright. You lead, Little-Bit, and I'll follow. Do you have any specific guitar chords in mind, or do you want me to just feel for it?" he asked with a gleam in his eye. He loved writing songs together more than I would ever understand. It was a passion for him, almost a need.

"Kind of. I want something very drawn out. Slow chords, long pauses, almost like a sad fairytale. I can't explain it, really," I said, tilting my head and closing my eyes as I tried to think of a way to make him understand what I was hearing.

"I know," I said excitedly. "Close your eyes. Okay, picture the ocean shore, and a huge cliff miles and miles above it. Now, imagine the waves crashing against the cliffs edge as you look down. It's dark and moody and you can taste the sorrow in the salty air. The moon is full and it's the only light casting dark shadows over the rapid waves. Now think of what _that_ would sound like on the guitar. A haunting melody that is full of memories and longing; something rhythmic, forlorn. Got it?" I asked. He opened his eyes slowly and nodded, smiling slightly, but it didn't reach his eyes.

"Alright, I'll start with the bass drum beat. I picture it on a mixer or something that can make a deep harmony with the guitar. Plus a few piano keys over certain parts, just listen for the crescendo during the bridge," I closed my eyes and leaned forward, taking a breath. "Oh!" I opened my eyes quickly and smiled. "Feel free to echo some of the words for the 'haunting' effect."

I closed my eyes again and focused on the emotions I had felt during the last moments of my changing. I had to get this song out; I've never had one nag at my mind so strongly. I never saw the whole thing in my head before it's made, that was Garrett's job.

I began to tap my hands on my knees. I heard him gasp in front of me and I opened my eyes, but continued with the beat.

"That was your heartbeat, before you woke," he noted.

I simply nodded to the rhythm and let the corner of my lip curl in acknowledgment before dropping my head back down and closing my eyes. I continued with the beat for a few moments, envisioning the piano keys in my mind; the slight accent of high notes playing over the heartbeat in a steady pace.

_"It doesn't hurt me. You want to feel how it feels? You want to know – know that it doesn't hurt me? You want to hear about the deal I'm making?"_ I sang quietly, my voice lower than I would usually sing. The new range of my vocal chords was still a surprise to me, but I decided to use it to my advantage. Garrett hummed between each pause in a line. By the end of the third line, he started pulling at chords softly, letting the tune ring out longer than usual. It mimicked the heartbeat rather closely, accentuating with a flourish of extra notes between each beat.

_"You… you and me,"_ I sang quietly, almost a whisper. The pain of the raw emotions was still tugging at my heart as the anger overflowed my memories.

_"And if I only could make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places. I'd be running that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building. And if I only could… oh…" _My voice rang out clear and powerfully as I let my emotions overtake me. I was so angry, so upset that he could take his love, his family, and my life away with one selfish decision. I wished I could run away from everything as easily, with no pain or regret over my choices.

Garrett played through the chorus and the intro to the next verse exactly as I had imagined it in my mind. He let each powerful note linger before pushing into the next set. I continued with the heartbeat for the verses and only stopped for parts of the chorus. I remembered how much I hated _him_ just before my heart stopped and I couldn't understand how I meant so little to him. He was the best liar I had ever met. Somehow he took my heart with his lies and when the truth finally set him free, it damned me and shattered my spirit, my soul, and my love. I sang the verse with a strength I had never felt in myself before.

_"So much _hate_ for the ones we love! Tell me, we both matter, don't we?" _I echoed the question in my mind, letting it tear through my voice in a cold, bitter assessment of our past. I could sense Garrett building up to the crescendo by the end of the last line. I stopped my hands from their beat and gripped my knees tightly as I took a deep breath, pushing into the bridge.

_"C'mon baby, c'mon, c'mon darling, let me steal this moment from you now. C'mon angel, c'mon, c'mon darling, let's exchange the experience… oh…" _As soon as the line ended, I began the heartbeat rhythm again, slapping against my thighs with more force as the loud thuds echoed in my ears.

_"And if I only could make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places," _I sang the chorus one more time as Garrett sped up the beat, slapping the acoustic as he strummed the chords with force.

_"If I only could be running up that hill…"_ I repeated the line. I got quieter with each repetition. Finally, my voice cracked at the last word and my hands stilled over the denim of my jeans. I gripped the fabric tightly in my hand, digging my nails in and tearing it easily, creating four slices up each thigh. I took a deep breath and let it out steadily.

"That was different," Garrett said quietly. I looked up at him, confused. I studied his expression for a few moments before his lips turned upward into a grin. He set the guitar down on his jacket beside me and stared at me, grinning. I cracked a smile before I lunged at him, embracing him in a tight hug until he cried for mercy.

"Thank you," I said softly. "It was just as I heard it in my head. You're amazing, Garrett," I said with a smile, letting him go and sitting close next to him.

"Anytime, Little-Bit. Anything for you."

* * *

**Song question for the chapter!:** What is one song you have listened to on repeat for hours, days, maybe even a week at a time? You just couldn't get enough of it, it was THAT awesome. It's your go to song, and you NEVER skip it when it comes on. Multiple songs are always accepted. I can't pick just one either. ;)


	13. Ch 11: Repentance

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A/N:** The fantastic four - BlahBlahBlah, OCDMess, WendyAnn, and Bikechick3 (I miss you!). The betas, validators and fic wife writers dream of!

Last chapter I asked: What song you can listen to on repeat for hours and never turn down, skip, or get tired of. My answer: Blind Melon - 'No Rain'. I just can't say no to it.

_**This is a transitional chapter._ It's a neccessity to the storyline, and helps move things along. It's my least favorite chapter written, and I expect you will all probably agree. Don't worry, good stuff is coming soon!

**This is a song fic and so all of my chapters are based on songs, lyrics, or covers. All links are from YouTube. **

Lifehouse – From Where You Are  
/watch?v=LBh7Muv0yac

Our Lady Peace – 4 A.M.  
/watch?v=NYEMskcDRKY

Depeche Mode – Halo  
/watch?v=4BmgJo45rSg

* * *

**Chapter 11  
EPOV  
Thursday January 19th, 2006**

The drive home felt like it took us weeks. I sat in the back seat of the car while Alice drove with Jasper beside her in the passenger seat. I stared out the window, watching as the world passed by in a haze. Carlisle had said that we could stay in Forks, but I knew it wouldn't do me any good. I never wanted to return; being around everything that reminded me of her hurt too much. I sat silent the entire trip back to Alaska, missing my Bella.

I had gotten particularly good at blocking out the thoughts around me, although it was eerie being locked away in my own mind after so many years of noise. As I watched the white covered trees pass me by, I sang to my Bella in my thoughts.

_ So far away from where you are. These miles have torn us worlds apart, and I miss you. Yeah I miss you. I miss the years that were erased. I miss the way the sunshine would light up your face._

Jasper was radiating a constant state of calm, trying to deal with the overwhelming emotions I was going through. I said that I would ride with Emmett and Rosalie, but everyone insisted that I ride with Alice and Jasper. Carlisle was concerned that I might act out drastically in response to Bella's death, and Alice had seen enough glimpses of my future to confirm that as a definite possibility. Alice wouldn't let me out of her sight. I couldn't blame them; death was a constant thought in the back of my mind. I battled internally with the idea frequently, but I also didn't want to shame my love for Bella that way.

I was completely torn.

Every time that I closed my eyes I saw her smile. I could smell her hair and taste her lips on my tongue. I could even recall her heartbeats and the steadiness of her breathing as she slept. I silently pleaded for these memories to never fade, but a small part of me selfishly wished that it didn't hurt so much to think of her.

_I feel the beating of your heart. I see the shadows of your face. Just know that wherever you are, yeah, I miss you, and I wish you were here._

**

I had lost track of time. The days blurred together and the nights seemed endless. Everyone had gone their separate ways, attempting to find normalcy once again. We all felt the emptiness Bella had left in our lives. I curled up on my black, leather sofa and tried to hold myself together. Nothing smelled like her here. My memories were all I had left.

My mind shifted through countless "what if" scenarios, but I knew they were all pointless. I had been through a similar situation a few decades ago: weighing the pros and cons of a decision and acting on impulse far too hastily. When I had decided to leave Carlisle and Esme to try a new way of living, I had thought it would be for the best. I realized in hindsight that I was simply overreacting by leaving, and not thinking clearly.

Carlisle had called me regularly, asking me how I was, and if I planned to visit. Every time I would tell him I was fine, and that I had no plans of returning. When he finally called and confessed to me how lost he and Esme were without me in their lives, I realized that my attempt to give them space had been in vain. While my intentions had _felt_ noble, they lacked any pertinence.

When I finally came home, I hated myself. I had seen what my actions had done to the two people closest to me. I saw what I had become. Those were the demons I had lived with for decades. I had tried to absolve myself of those years with my attempts to move on and cherish Bella. It was something that we would have fought over… if she were still alive. I always told her she never saw herself clearly and now it was my turn look in the mirror properly.

At some point, I had gotten up from my couch and begun to pace around my room. I was so lost in my own mind, focusing on "what could have been", that I slowly felt myself sinking into another depression. I could feel my sorrow pulling me down, but I couldn't stop it. I truly didn't have any faith that I could make it through an eternity without her. _How long can I survive this way, truly? _I knew the answer, and it wouldn't be long enough for my family. Thankfully, Alice was with Jasper at least an hour away.

My emotions felt like a light switch. I would shift toward the desire of moving forward, for her_,_ always for her. Then at the drop of a hat, I didn't want to go on existing. I would crumble when I remembered that I would have to exist without her for an eternity and not just for a human lifespan. Then, the image of her accepting gaze would flood my mind, and I would want to continue for her, in her memory. _Either way, I can't live like this._

I paced anxiously around my room, gripping my hair tightly. I felt my phone vibrate in my pocket. _I know, Alice._ I pulled out the piece of plastic, laid it on my desk, and continued pacing imaginary lines in the floor. I was a mess, and I had no clue how to hold myself together. It had been over two weeks since I learned of her death, and everyday felt the same.

_"I walked around my good intentions, and found that there were none. I blamed my father for the wasted years, we hardly talked. I never thought I would forget this hate, and then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong." _My words left my lips in a gentle melody, speaking with a somber tone.

I _had_ blamed Carlisle for those first few years on my own. I had never wanted to be this way, and I was never given a choice. I'd always understood Rosalie's bitterness towards our existence, and I secretly shared a lot of her views.

Looking back, I saw that my time away from home had been wasted. It was a phase of teenage rebellion, but that didn't make the years any less real. The day that Carlisle had called me, I had already been breaking down.

_"If I don't make it, know that I've loved you all along. Just like sunny days that we ignore because we're all dumb and jaded; and I hope to God I figure out what's wrong."_ The words mirrored my emotions and tore me apart.

I wished that I could tell Bella one last time that I loved her and that everything I had said had been a lie to protect her. It broke me further, knowing that she died scared and alone, thinking that I never loved her as she had loved me. I wished I could take it all back. I wished I could make it all better. I wished I could _follow_ her.

I collapsed onto the floor and my dry sobs rang out as my body shook. In front of me, sitting at the bottom of my book case, was a small wooden box. I reached out gingerly and pulled the ornate delicacy towards me. I held my breath and opened the lid, peering inside. My collected trinkets and prized possessions were settled neatly at the bottom. The most recent addition had been the lemonade cap from the first day I spent with Bella in the cafeteria at Forks High. My heart sank and the aching inside my chest burned as I closed my eyes tightly, shutting out the memories.

_"I walked around my room not thinking, just sinking in this box."_ I closed the lid, slid it back across the floor, and rose to my feet._ "I blame myself for being too much like somebody else. I never thought I would just bend this way, and then a phone call made me realize I'm wrong."_ I wrapped my arms around my sides and walked to my sofa again. I collapsed onto the softness and curled onto my side, holding myself together.

I laid there for another twenty minutes before Alice dashed into the house with Jasper at her heels. Within a second, she was at the edge of my sofa, peering down at me.

"How could you even fathom such an idea, Edward? Don't you know what hurting yourself would do to all of us? To Carlisle? To Esme?" She shrieked through panicked words.

"He's still sitting here, Alice, I'm sure he knew you were coming and wouldn't do anything drastic," Jasper said, trying to calm her.

She turned to face Jasper with a serious expression. "Jazz, you didn't see this; you _never _want to see this." She turned back to face me and her serious expression faded into a grimace. "I _screamed_, Edward, In the middle of the club, talking to Maurice, I screamed out your name. I was so panicked, we didn't even explain before I took off. I feared I wouldn't get here in time. No one would answer their cell phones. It was like…" she paused, _'like losing _her _all over again,'_ she finished in her mind.

I swallowed and sighed deeply, moving into a sitting position.

"I'm sorry I worried you, Alice. That is never my intention. I can't help my mind wandering. I miss her _so _much. How would you be right now if you had lost Jasper? If you could never apologize for the biggest mistake of your life, and tell him you loved him one last time?"

She grimaced at my words and I could feel the pain radiating from Jasper as he felt her reaction to my words. Alice's expression softened and she frowned. I put my head in my hands and sighed again. They could never understand how I felt.

Alice knelt down beside me. "I can't imagine what you are going through, Edward, but she wouldn't have wanted you to sulk this way. You might _think_ she doesn't love you anymore, but she _always_ loved you, _unconditionally_. It was one of her most admirable abilities: to love beyond all means. She was even stronger than Esme when it came to loving others and putting them before herself. You _know_ that. You also know she would have wanted you to continue living; if not for her, then for us, your family. We _need _you, Edward. We all do," she said.

"I can't do it, Alice. I just can't. It's not _right_ with her gone. Nothing is right anymore. It shouldn't have been her that died, it should have been me. She deserved to have a full life. Otherwise, all the pain I caused her was in vain. It should have been me," I said quietly, shaking my head. Alice tried to comfort me by placing her hand on my shoulder, but I shrugged it off bitterly.

"I know you think that none of us understand, Edward. I can never understand what is going through your mind, but I can understand how you are feeling. You are filled with more guilt, and grief, than anyone I have ever known. It consumes you, every moment of every day, but guilt won't bring her back, Brother. Guilt will never change the past of words said, and time unspent. You should be feeling love, remorse and longing with your grief, but never guilt," Jasper said, taking a step forward from the doorway and toward us on the couch.

My eyes shot up to meet Jasper's gaze, black as the void in my chest, and I growled at him fiercely. "_Never _tell me what I should feel, _Brother. _Because of _me_, Bella was left alone to suffer. Because of _me, _she died thinking that everyone would desert her, never truly loving her. Because of _me_, she will never live a full life. So _never_ tell me what I should replace my guilt with, because I _do _feel love, remorse and longing for her. I feel the need to hold her in my arms and kiss away her fears, but because of me she will never know just how much I truly cared for her." I sobbed through the last sentence, filled with pain and anger at his words and my own actions.

Jasper stood completely still at the edge of the sofa, next to Alice. I heard him think of the names for all of the emotions I was feeling. I hated when he did that. When hatred crossed my mind, he raised an eyebrow at the emotion, but said nothing.

"Edward," Alice started, "Jasper was just trying to help. We know you miss her, and love her. We feel those emotions too, but we can't understand why you're blaming yourself for this. Why do you think she didn't know you loved her? Of _course_ she knew you loved her, Edward. How could she not?"

Alice didn't know. None of them knew. I hadn't told anyone what I told Bella in the forest before we left.

"Because I told her I didn't," I said quietly, finally admitting the reason behind my guilt.

"What do you mean you told her you didn't?" Alice asked, confused.

"Just that. I told her I didn't love her anymore. I told her I didn't want her. I told her I had moved on, and so should she."

"But why, Edward? Why would you lie to her?" she asked, slightly panicked.

"Because I thought it would be the easiest way for her to move on. I thought it would be a clean break for her. I also thought she would fight me. Obviously I was wrong on all three counts." I whispered my darkest secrets.

Alice gasped, and her hand on my shoulder shook. Through her mind, I watched her look up at Jasper's expression. His face showed his shock and confusion. They were both upset that I had never told them what really transpired between Bella and I that day, but they were more concerned with my guilt than anything else. Esme and Carlisle's possible reactions to this information briefly ran through Alice's mind, and I cringed.

"So you blame yourself because you think if you had told her the truth instead of a lie, she wouldn't have died? That's crazy, Edward. You can't blame yourself for causing her death. We all know what a walking hazard she was to herself. It would have happened sooner than later," Jasper said, trying to reassure me.

"No, I blame myself for lying to her. I blame myself for having my lie be the last thing she remembers of me, and I blame myself for walking away from her," I said through quiet sobs. My eyes filled with tears that failed to run down my cheeks. "I blame myself for not cherishing her, as I should have. I didn't love her enough, and my lack of love killed her."

"You didn't kill her, Edward," Alice argued.

"Yes, I did, Alice. When I got to Charlie's house that night, I saw in his mind exactly what my lies did to her. She was a shell, Alice. She didn't eat, and when she managed to sleep, she would wake up screaming. She didn't speak for days; she was broken. I'd always believed our kind had no soul. A God could never be so kind as to grant us such beauty. The day she died, I felt a part of myself shatter and die with her; I felt a part of my soul die. It took the sacrifice of my soul mate to realize _exactly_ what I had been gifted, and fate is cruel enough to take it away the moment before I saw that. My lies were the cruelest kind of pain and because of them my karma was served just as harshly. For that, I can never forgive myself."

The room was silent for what felt like hours. Eventually, Alice put her hand on my knee and stared at me through her somber eyes.

_'I'm so sorry, Edward. I can't fathom your pain. I'm so sorry,'_ she thought.

"If Bella were here this very moment, and she knew you wanted to die because of what you said and did to her, what do you think she would say?" Jasper asked.

His question caught me off guard. What would she say? What _would _she say? I pondered the thought for a moment before shaking my head slightly. _She would probably hate me._

"Well?" he asked.

"I don't know what she would say," I lied.

"Yes you do, Edward. What would Bella say if she knew you planned to destroy yourself?" he repeated, pushing me.

"She would say I was 'stupid', alright? She would make me promise to never think that again. She would…" I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "She would tell me I wasn't _allowed_." My mind brought the memories of us on Charlie's couch discussing this very topic to the forefront of my consciousness and shoved her words into my thoughts. Seeing her face contorted in fear, anger, and pain, made my insides shift uncomfortably. We'd had this conversation before, Bella and I.

"Then if you do truly wish you could take everything back, don't you think you should start by honoring what she would have wanted?" Jasper spoke plainly.

I sighed, realizing he was right. I should have seen this coming. I looked at Alice out of the corner of my eye and saw that she was smiling at the turn of events. The image of my burning body faded from her mind and was replaced by an image of the three of us playing music in the basement.

"I suppose you are right. To go against her wishes would only disrespect her even more than I already have. I just wish this could be easier. It hurts all the time, being without her," I sighed and looked up at Jasper, partly wishing for some sort of comfort to ease me through the anguish. _Although,_ _I didn't deserve it._

"It can be easier. Remember when you used to play music about Bella, or for Bella? You always felt so peaceful and content," he said calmly. "She loved watching and listening to you play, Edward. I never sensed her in a calmer, more accepting mood. The term 'cloud nine' couldn't even touch her emotions when you played for her. I know you may view your music simply as a way to pass the time, but it really meant something to her, and I think it can be something important for you too; maybe even for all of us." Jasper placed his hand on Alice's shoulder and smiled down at her before looking back at me.

"All of the musical influences within me are laced with sorrow and pain. I can't write without feeling how much I miss her," I said. I knew they wanted to help, but I couldn't see how surrounding myself with the thoughts of her would do me any good.

"No one is asking you to write fluff, Edward. Angst sells just as well as the next piece of romance; maybe even better, these days," Jasper said.

I rolled my eyes and looked over at my sister, who was still seated beside me. She smiled at me lovingly and reached out to take my hand. "Please, just give it a shot, Edward. Things could work out so amazingly for us! I've seen glimpses of a future where you let yourself become absorbed in your music, and it's so spectacular." She shuffled through random bits of my future: her excited while on the phone, glimpses of us on a dark stage playing for a good sized crowd somewhere I didn't recognize, and bright smiles from our family as we stood around the radio. Success would be easy for us, being what we are. We could charm our way into anything, but that wasn't what I wanted. If we did this whole 'music career' for a while, I wanted it to be about the music and the experience, and as a way to pay respects to Bella.

"What are you thinking, Edward? I can only read your emotions, and I'm a bit lost as to how they tie together," Jasper said from beside Alice.

"I was thinking about Alice's visions. I don't want this fame to be falsified, or to come easy. I don't want the popularity of our music to be for the wrong reasons. I'm worried people will like it because of who and what we are, and not because of what we say and what it means."

Jasper nodded. "We can understand that. I agree completely. I think we should put together a CD, and while we are finishing it up, we should release a single to the radio stations and just see where things go from there. I'm sure Irina could make us an awesome booklet and even create the cover art for the CD, and Maurice could get us a few shows scheduled. He would be happy to be our manager and record producer.

"I think we should go about this 'old-fashioned' way. No MTV, no iTunes, no music videos; let the music carry its own weight through live shows and CDs. We can play small gigs and let the fans come by word-of-mouth. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. What do you think Alice?" He shifted his eyes from mine to Alice's and smiled brightly, squeezing her shoulder.

"I think that sounds perfect! I'll call Maurice to discuss our plans, and to apologize for leaving so abruptly. Jazz, how about you call Irina and ask her to start on the cover and booklet for us? Edward, put together a list of current songs you want so we can finalize the CD, and start compiling any new lyrics you've written that you think would be good additions. Oh! And start thinking of an album name!" She was practically bouncing on the couch like it was a trampoline. I smiled slightly at her antics and shook my head.

"Alright, Alice," I said softly. I lifted my head to look at Jasper. "And thank you for helping me through this. I know I'm difficult to be around. I just pray you never have to feel these emotions firsthand. So, thank you," I said. My eyes dropped down to gaze at Alice. "Both of you."

"It was our pleasure, Edward. Please, do not hesitate to come to one of us if you ever feel this way again. We would hate to think you couldn't confide in one of us. We care about you too much to lose you too. Bella will always be like a sister to me." Jasper's words touched me deeply. I nodded slowly and swallowed, unsure how to respond.

**

**Friday, March 24th, 2006**

I had taken to leaving the house regularly to be alone again. Every time, however, Alice would insist that I only take two days. She was worried I would make a hasty decision, and she wouldn't be nearby to stop me. We worked on our music by night, and I sought the solitude of my bedroom by day. I hadn't moved on from Bella's death, and I knew I never would, but I tried to not let it be the only thing that occupied my mind, either. Jasper helped with the grief and guilt when he was around, and I tried to push the depressing thoughts to the back of my mind to make it easier on him. I had promised myself I would write and play for her. Jasper had reminded me that it made her happy when I had played for her, and somehow, it felt like she was with me when I played now.

Alice had worked out the details with Maurice and scheduled half-a-dozen shows for us over the next three months. Most of them took place in Alaska and Northern Canada, though a few took place in Victoria. We wanted to keep our exposure close to home.

I worked on compiling a list of songs that I thought would fit the CD, but the album was a few songs short. I didn't want to include Esme's song, or the song Jasper had written for Alice; they both felt too personal. I decided that two more songs would complete the album. The eleven we had so far all seemed similar in sound, but still offered a nice variety.

"Well, Irina is working on the album artwork. She said she will get back to us in a week or so with a few different sketch-ups, and then we can decide on the final cover from there. Kate said she's looking forward to hearing the tracks, and told me to let you both know that she is willing to help with the mixing and mastering process in any way that she can. Since it is kind of her area, I figured that would be fine, but told her I would have to talk it over with both of you." Jasper looked at Alice, who was already nodding eagerly, then to me, waiting for my response.

"That's fine. We could use an outsider's opinion. I just don't want us composing when Kate is around. I wouldn't want anything to be made out of… false intentions; we know how… persuasive Kate can be with music," I said. Jasper nodded and smirked knowingly. He'd already known what my response would be.

"Maurice thinks we should play small venues for two months, for practice, and release the first single during that time. Then, we would release the CD and do a larger tour to promote it in July. We would have an opening band and merchant booth and everything! Wouldn't that be cool?" She was bouncing on her toes and nearly vibrating with excitement. I sighed and tugged at my hair in frustration.

"I thought we decided to do this 'old-fashioned'. Nothing big – the music is the focus," I argued. _Or distraction, _I thought.

"But it is! I'm not talking about a huge American tour like Ozzfest or anything, just a Canadian tour at smaller venues. No more than two hundred people would be at a show. Mostly, we would play at nightclubs and bars with stages for events like this. It's what underground bands are doing now when they are still struggling to get signed. There is nothing commercial about this, Edward. Trust me. I've checked." She smiled at her double meaning of the word 'checked' and reminded me of the images of us on a midsized stage.

"Alright, fine. But we will need to work out the details about the tour. I don't want fans coming up too close to us, or pictures of us to be taken. The last thing we would need is the Volturi to come down on us, or the family, due to exposure. We need to be careful about how we do this. Also, the other band you mentioned; would they be human?" I asked.

"Yeah, probably. Maurice said he doesn't have a vampire band that's signed that plays similar music right now, but he could find us a few different human bands to pick from. We would just have to be careful with interaction. Maybe put a request in for no contact between groups or something." Alice fidgeted with her fingers and scrunched up her nose at the idea. She didn't want to have to seem anti-social or rude to the other band if we could help it.

I glanced up at Jasper and quirked an eyebrow. I was worried about his control, being around so many humans at once, and on a regular basis.

"I'll be fine, Edward. You know I have changed my view on things since September," Jasper replied to my silent curiosity. I nodded and dropped it. I trusted that if he thought he would be fine, he would be. I knew he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our family, our music, or Alice.

"Well I've decided that thirteen tracks that would be a good amount for a CD, but we only have eleven I feel right using." I handed them the list. Alice looked at it as Jasper read over her shoulder. She had been so busy making calls that she hadn't seen my choices yet.

"I don't recognize the titles of some of these. Did you write these during the times you were away?" Jasper asked.

We spent the next hour discussing the songs I had chosen and the lyrics I had written when they hadn't been around. We holed ourselves up in the basement, laying down new tracks and tweaking the songs' pacing and rhythm before settling on a final version.

Jasper wrote a song based on me and my grief, and we added it to the CD. We sang it as a duet, alternating lead singers throughout the song. 'Halo' made the song list an even twelve, but we were still missing one more to meet my goal of thirteen tracks.

We played all of the songs for Kate later that month to get her opinion before recording the first demo CD for Maurice. She had suggested we promote 'A Pain That I'm Used To' as our first single, and 'The Reason' as our second. We agreed that it was a good idea and sent the CD to Maurice for feedback.

To say that Maurice 'loved it' would be an understatement. He had us lined up with an opening band, and shows across western Canada and Alaska. Maurice sent our first single to the radio stations in Alaska and all we could do was wait, and see if it was well received.

Irina came over with her final versions of album covers and booklet art. She had done a few different versions, but they all involved an anatomical heart design. She had brought her laptop to work on it while we spoke to Kate about the sound of our tracks. We picked our favorite design and layout, and let her work in solitude, heading down to the basement with her sister.

We were in the final stages of completing the CD, with the exception of the last song that had yet to be written. Kate suggested a few tweaks in the levels, and adding a few softer drum beats to help with the pacing. Her talent with music was widely known amongst our kind, and was well documented in human legends. She kept her past closely guarded, as did the other Denali sisters, but our family was well aware of the part they had played in world history and mythology. Before they came to live with Carmen and Eleazar, they preferred the sea, and the men that crossed it. The Denali sisters had not always been vegetarians.

When we left the basement and went upstairs, Emmett was sitting with Irina, looking over the work she had done on her laptop. He was completely blown away, and I could see in his mind that he had good reason to be.

She had composited a human heart in the center of the cover, with decay, bacteria, rust, and general dirt effects around the edges. The organ looked sickly with disease rotting it from the inside out, and the edges of the CD looked tainted. Across the top was our band name written in a vine-like font and colored with reds, blues and purples. It looked like human veins being twisted into vines. Through the center of the heart was an EKG line.

I smirked and turned to look at everyone else that was standing slightly behind me. They all held the same expression, their mouths were open, and their faces were locked into an expression of shock.

"Its badass, isn't it?! That's one wicked cover, my cousin. You got some skills," Emmett boomed, giving Irina a high-five. She smiled, shook her head at his praise, and turned to look at us.

"So, do you have an album title yet? I was going to put it in this bottom corner here, but I need to know the name so I know what kind of font and colors to use," she said calmly.

"Thirteen shades of gray," I spoke quickly, not even thinking to discuss it with Jasper or Alice. I turned to look at them, hoping I hadn't upset them. They were staring at me, grinning, and nodded eagerly before looking back down at the image on the screen.

"Alright, give me five more minutes, and this will be ready for your final approval." She quickly plugged the words in, and scrolled through a long list of fonts, trying out the looks of each before coming across a simple handwriting script. She tinted it and added highlights, shifting a drop shadow and placed it in the bottom right corner.

"There. Yes, no, in-between?" She turned to look at us, holding the laptop above her head from the couch. We peered over her shoulder and nodded eagerly in unison.

"I'll take that as a yes, with no objections then? Alright, I'll wrap up the booklet as soon as I get the track titles and any information you want listed, like lyrics or instruments' names and so on, and send it off to Maurice for CD production." She lowered the computer back onto her lap and got busy. Emmett sat next to her playing a video game on the Play Station while she worked.

"So, we still need one more song," I said to Alice and Jasper. Kate was leaning on the arm rest of the couch, watching us. Our first show was scheduled for the first week of April, and we wanted to have the CD in production by then so that we could release it before the main tour in July.

"I could help you with that, if you want," she offered.

"Ah, no. We're good, thanks though, Kate. This is just kind of a personal project for us. We really appreciate all of the advice and assistance you've already given us," I said politely.

"I understand. Perhaps I can just leave you with some musical inspiration then. No playing, or forcing you to do anything," she said through a grin. In her head, she began humming a fast rhythm as she walked out of the room slowly. She wandered up the stairs, still thinking of the melody, and knocked on Esme's office door. She was invited in and sat with Esme, discussing a new project for a client in Juno.

I sighed and shook my head. The rhythm was successfully stuck in my mind. The notes lingered as they swam around mixing with other beats until I had a basic song going. The words began to flow through my thoughts and I smirked.

"I think we have our last song," I said quietly to my siblings.

* * *

**A/N:You can view the CD cover via a link on my profile. Enjoy!  
**

So, transitional chapters are transitional... and sucky, I know. This is my least favorite chapter written, but it is necessary to move the story along. Keep in mind, this all happened over the time from January to April. Yes, he may _appear _to be moving on 'quickly' but he is keeping it inside, and trying to not hurt his family with his depression, keeping it all bottled up inside. He's hurting. His lyrics and time away from his family is proof of that, and everyone else is just trying to take the loss of Bella in stride.

So, this one didn't take as long to get out as I thought! Finals this week, so it may be a little longer for the next update, so I beg for your patience.

**Song question of the chapter:** What one song would you want played at your funeral, and why? -Thanks to OCDMess for this question, ;)

Reviews are lovely, and I **_adore _**getting questions, so feel free to bombard me with them! But if you don't want the answer, and you want it to be kept a mystery, don't ask. =P

Teasers for pleasers, by request! So please with reviews, and ask for a tease!


	14. Ch 12: Refinement pt1

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

A/N: Project Team Beta, Bikechick3, Blahx3, OCDMess, and WendyAnn – Thank you!

Last chapter I asked what song you would want played at your funeral. My answer: It changes from year to year. I think this year I would chose Depeche Mode - Enjoy The silence. It would be my message to my loved ones.

* * *

_No songs for this chapter. Just discussions. ;)_

* * *

**Chapter 12 Part I  
BPOV  
Saturday May 13th, 2006**

It had been four months since my transformation and so far my life, or lack thereof, was definitely interesting. Being nomadic was different than I thought it would be. Although, when I had first learned about nomads, I was being hunted by three of them and was nearly killed, so I guess my views on their world had been rather skewed.

Garrett and I hunted often since I was a newborn, but we found that I could abstain from feeding more than what most considered the norm. I found the smell of blood repulsive, even human blood, but my throat still ached in anticipation of quenching the thirst. I had learned to deal with a pain similar to this during the last four months of my human life and while this was different, it wasn't entirely foreign.

I learned a bit about Garrett's past, though he never divulged much. He explained how he earned money and stayed under the radar, but he never shared anything personal like his own transformation. He also never pushed me for details about the Cullens, so I never pried for details about his life.

Garrett used his talent at card games by gambling at various casinos and persuading the other players to fold or make higher bets than they normally would have. He tried to keep the hands short, not wanting to push his luck, but sometimes people caught on quickly and he had to change their minds about saying something to the dealer or security. Once the dealer started to become suspicious, he would leave, cash out, and head out of town.

We never stayed in a town longer than two days. I wasn't very fond of taking advantage of people, but Garrett assured me he was particular about the types of people he gambled with, and he never played until they lost everything. I had faith in his decisions and never interfered.

With his winnings, we bought music equipment and a laptop with audio software so we could save and mix our tunes. While I no longer needed to sleep, I found comfort in laying in bed while he was out gambling. I checked into a motel, usually near the outskirts of town, and would just write, mix music, or stare at the ceiling.

I found myself thinking of Charlie and Renee a lot. I wondered how they were doing without me, and if they had moved on yet. Thoughts of Jacob and the wolf pack occasionally crossed my mind at night as I stared out at the stars. I never got to know them that well, and they had saved my life, I owed them everything. I wondered if they had stopped phasing with us gone. I wished they could lead a normal life and go back to just being the Quileute tribe with the abnormally large boys who liked to rough-house. The probability of that, however, was small with Victoria still on the loose. As long as she was still alive, Forks would always have a threat looming on the horizon.

My worst fear was that she would threaten to harm Charlie in hopes of luring me back to town to protect him. I never checked in on my father, but I'm sure she could find some way to let me know she was holding him captive. Or worst yet, she would kill him, knowing that I would secretly attend the funeral.

On sunny days, Garrett helped me practice with my shield. We learned that I could expand my shield to others nearby, but only while I concentrated. I could put up a barrier between other people's minds and outside influences if I focused on protecting them. I imagined locking them away in the safety of my mind. I occasionally went with Garrett to a casino as he gambled in an attempt to get used to being around humans more often. I only came along if I had fed that day, and could work up the courage to put so many innocent people at risk.

One night, we discovered I could protect an entire poker table, including the dealer, the security man, and two other players if I focused really hard. I held my shield steady for over ten minutes, much to Garrett's dismay, until the dealer noticed that I was acting strange and snapped me out of my concentration. He had only won one out of six hands while it was up. After that, he didn't bring me along to gamble, but we did go out and people-watch so I could practice.

I grew more comfortable around people and human blood when I was able to focus on something else. Our favorite places to sit and watch were small bars. It was amazing how many choices were made every minute in a bar, and how little people noticed what was going on around them. We knew I could shift my shield so he was able to sense my core, but I hadn't been able to repeat it while protecting others at the same time. We decided to focus on how far I could protect people, rather than trying to discover new capabilities.

Even though I was a vampire, throwing my shield seemed to take a lot out of me. I didn't get tired or anything, but I found that it became extremely difficult to focus on anything after holding it steady for more than an hour. My mind would start to wander and my shield began to fade until eventually it just dissolved, exposing the minds of the people I had been protecting, and only covering myself. I grew frustrated and irritable, and we would leave, which only made me more upset.

I wanted to be capable of being around people again. I wanted to be normal and not cause unwanted attention whenever I _wasn't_ holed up in a motel room somewhere. As much as I hated socializing, I also hated feeling like a freak-show. I was torn between the desire for solitude and feeling like the world really did still exist. I took comfort in the fact that I had Garrett as my friend. I couldn't imagine how lonely he had truly been for all those years before me.

Some nights were harder than others, and my desire to just end my existence would consume my thoughts. I tried to keep my feelings from Garrett, but occasionally he sensed the decisions I was weighing and got upset with me. I never noticed when my shield slipped on those occasions. It didn't feel the same as when I protected others; the sensation was entirely unique.

After the fifth times he caught me, he sat me down and forced me to talk about things. I had stopped writing music and was seeking solitude more often. He knew something was off.

"Enough is enough, Little-Bit. What's wrong?" Garrett asked.

I sighed and turned onto my side, causing the sheets to rustle and mattress to squeak under my shifting weight.

"You've been distant and extremely quiet for weeks. I know you are considering some pretty dark things and I just wish you would talk to me before you make up your mind. You know, outside perspective and all that jazz."

_Jazz. _I missed him. I had forgiven him before he even had time to realize what he had done. Truthfully, there was nothing to forgive. He had lunged at me, but I would had been fine. It wasn't him that threw me into the glass.

I sighed and shook my head. I really didn't want to talk about them. I just wanted to curl up and slip away. That last day I was a human, I had been so close to just sleeping forever, and it has all been taken away from me. So often it seemed everything was taken away from me. Everything I wanted, anyway.

"Bella, please," he said softly.

"I don't want this, Garrett. I never wanted this," I whispered.

I felt the bed shift from under me, and his hand rub gently up and down my arm. I flinched slightly at his touch. My scars had faded, but my reaction to being touched there had not. All that was left of my dark past were faint lines across my upper arms. His hand stilled on my shoulder for a moment before sliding up to my neck and moving my hair to the side. I could feel him staring at my newest scar. Victoria's teeth had left two crescent shapes just above my collar bone.

"I know, Bella. I wish I could take it all away for you, but I can't. I promise that it gets easier with time."

I flipped onto my other side in less than a second and propped myself up on my elbow, staring up at him. "What gets easier with time? Being immortal? Being heartbroken? Or how about being dead inside, in every way possible, with no reason to exist? What gets easier, Garrett?"

"Moving on, forgetting the past and just letting go, learning that your past is not what makes you who you are; your future does. Look forward, Bella, stop looking back. There is nothing but pain and regret in the past. The only way to move on is to look forward," he said.

I closed my eyes and shook my head. "I know. But what's in my future to look forward to? Isolation? A life of solitude and loneliness?"

"You aren't alone, I'm here. We could see the world, make music, go to college, _buy and sell real estate_. Anything you want, Bella. We could do it. I know I can't offer you love, at least not the kind you desire, but I can offer you kinship. You are like a little sister to me. I never really had much of a family. You're the first person to truly mean anything to me. I hate seeing you like this." His fingers glided over my cheek.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you feel like you weren't important to me. If it wasn't for you, everything would be such a mess right now; _I_ would be a mess right now. I owe you my life, or rather, what's left of it. I don't know what I want though, Garrett. I just know I don't want to be like this anymore. Does that make any sense?"

"It does. You've changed, and you feel trapped in the old you. It's okay to change, Bella," he said assuredly.

"I'm scared," I confessed.

"I know you are, but that's what I'm here for. Let me be your light and help you find your path. I'm just along for the ride," he said. His eyes were bright gold and the corners wrinkled as he grinned. I couldn't help but smile at his affection.

"Thank you," I whispered.

"Don't mention it, Little-Bit. So, what do you want to do first? Tour the world? Go back to school? I wasn't kidding about the real estate, just so you know." His grin widened and I couldn't help but chuckle.

"No, no real estate. I don't know. What could we do with our music? I know we haven't written in a while, but I really enjoy it." I sat up on the bed, and pulled my legs up to my chest, resting my chin on my knees.

"We could play at clubs, make an album, or go to music school. I always wanted to go through college. Although, I imagine the general classes would bore me to _death_."

I smacked his arm.

"Ow, hey! Okay, bad joke, sorry," he chuckled.

"I don't know… playing at clubs just doesn't seem like me. I'm too shy to do that, I wouldn't want people watching me," I said.

"I could help with that," he said as a grin spread across his lips.

I sighed and shook my head. "I don't know. What about being around so many humans? Do you think I'm ready for that?"

"I think you don't give yourself enough credit. You have amazing control, Bella. With a little confidence, you could _own_ a stage; I'm certain of that."

"Well, how about we focus on an album first. Maybe we could play at really small bars or something if the opportunity arises," I suggested.

"That sounds like a great plan. We have nine songs to start, not counting the ones I wrote before I met you or independently from you after. We need to work on some new material. We also need a name for our band, and probably a new name for you with matching identification," he said, rambling off a mental list.

"Wait, why do I need a new name? What's wrong with the one I have?" I asked, confused.

"Well, for starters, it's only been four months since an Isabella Swan died. If we plan on making music and releasing a CD, we don't want anything that could raise suspicion. Our appearances will be a big enough obstacle to deal with," he explained.

"Oh. Right. Well, what should my new name be, then?"

"We can keep it personal to who you are if you want, or we can make up something completely new. It's up to you. There's always Izzy, or Sabel, if you want some part of your name," he said.

"I'd prefer to have part of my past life represented in my name, but _not _Izzy or Sabel." I made a sour face and shook my head. "So how about my middle name for my first? Marie," I suggested.

"That could work. There are a lot of Marie's. What about a last name?" he asked.

"Well, what about yours?" I asked cautiously. I didn't want him to take my suggestion the wrong way.

He chuckled and shook his head. "I doubt you want to be a Madison. Marie Madison? Ew. How about where you grew up? Or your mother's maiden name?"

"My mother's maiden name was Johnson. That just sounds too formal. I grew up in Phoenix, Arizona for most of my life. A lot of the other kids in Forks called me Arizona when I came back." I shrugged and continued to think of other possible names.

"Phoenix could work. Marie Phoenix. It isn't common, but you could use Phoenix as a stage name if you wanted to." He sat very still as a crooked grin slid across his lips. "Ms. Phoenix, can I get your autograph?!" he said in a high pitched voice.

I giggled and shook my head. I felt lighter and happier than I had in a very long time. "Alright, Marie Phoenix. You pick the middle name," I said.

"Hm. How about Anne? It's just one of those popular 'go to' names that fits well with almost everything. Marie Anne Phoenix. Sounds good. I'm still going to call you Little-Bit, though." He smirked.

"Of course you will," I said through a sigh, but smiled back.

"So what about a band name? Got any interesting ideas?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Hm. Well, we could always use some adjective from one of our songs, or maybe just throw a bunch of odd phrases out there and pick something obscure like a lot of bands seem to be doing lately," I suggested. Various band names had definitely changed over the past few decades, and I really had no clue how any of them came up with something. It seemed the world went through an animal phase, such as "The Eagles" or "The Monkeys", but now they were more obscure. Bands I could remember hearing on the radio over the last few years were named things like "The Academy Is", "Maroon 5" or "Nickleback".

"How about one of your poems?" he asked as he nodded towards my red notebook at the foot of the bed.

"Oh uhm… I don't know. I don't think I want to share those with people." I toyed with my lip ring, tugging it between my teeth and breathing heavily through my nose. I was protective of my poetry. I had often edited my songs so they didn't sound so distinct to my exact feelings and experiences, but my poetry… my poetry was a whole other story. It was my unfiltered ramblings, the troubling thoughts in my mind and torment in my heart. I hadn't shared them with anybody.

"I'm sure there is one in there that means something to you that has a catchy enough title to it that could work for a band name," he prodded.

"What, like 'Untitled Two'?" I laughed. I rarely named my poems. "Well, a few are named, but nothing interesting…" I let my mind wander over all of my poems in the tattered, red notebook. Most of my poetry was random adjectives and verbs of my emotions and thoughts.

"Well, name the first one that comes to mind, and tell me about it. I'm sure there has to be at least one you like the title of." He smiled and watched me as I shifted nervously. My eyes darted from him, to the notebook, to my hands. I sighed and closed my eyes, thinking back to all of my poems.

"There is one. It's about my feelings after… after _he_ left. It represents my view on fate, the world, life, and death. It's extremely obscure, but it was the naked truth, my raw emotions. It's titled _Beautifully Sacred._" I kept my eyes closed and envisioned the words scrawled onto the lined paper. I could recite my own words with flawless accuracy, but I kept the notebook for sentimental purposes.

"Will you share it with me? I'd love to hear it," he asked quietly. My eyes shot open and I could see the hope and fear in his eyes as he waited for me to reply. I tugged on the opposite side of my lip once more, avoiding the ring and biting down on my skin roughly as the metal clinked against my teeth.

"I can't speak it. But you can read it, if you want… I guess." I sighed and looked away from his eyes and grabbed the notebook. I took in a deep breath and flipped to the middle of the book. I paused for a moment before I looked back up at his expression, handing him the flimsy evidence of my human pain.

His eyes searched the page for a moment as a smile crept over his lips. I watched as his eyes focused on the words, and his lips parted further. I closed my eyes tightly as the first word slipped from his tongue and the feelings from my past flowed through me.

"Habitual, like the flow of nature.  
Grand gestures belittle small favors.  
The haze coating my frigid memories.  
I'm broken, rejected; left with my reveries.  
Conflicts, a war; emotions subdued.  
All that's left is solitude.

Empty promises scatter in time.  
No solace can comfort my mind.  
In history the world sees violence.  
Fleeting moments are drowned in silence.  
Life is the divine, deemed sacred.  
A beautiful death never granted.  
- Beautifully Sacred by B.S, October 7th, 2005"

I opened my eyes and realized I had been holding my breath the entire time he read my poem out loud. My entire bottom lip was clenched between my teeth. I was holding my pain at bay, but just barely.

"Your initials are the same as the poem. I think the poem would make the perfect name for our band. It will be like a secret memory in honor of you, Bella Swan, now Marie Anne Phoenix of Beautifully Sacred," he said softly.

I let myself take a deep breath and pain flooded through me. I groaned quietly; that poem was my confession. I had wanted to live a wonderful life with Edward, and in order to do so, I had to die. I always thought it would be the most beautiful death, and easily worth the divine, sacred life I would be granted in return. When he left, he took my dreams of forever with him. I didn't want any kind of life if Edward wasn't my forever.

Life had been be so difficult; dying would have been the easy part. But when I could live forever, what was I living for? I could only think of one thing worth living for and it was the one thing that had rejected me. In my entire short-lived, human life, I had always battled with my self-doubt, and tried to accept who I was. When he left, all I saw was gray. The light that had cast the most beautiful colors in my world had gone out, and the forced solitude would never bring me solace. I was held captive in my own mind with a war constantly waging. The silence wouldn't lull my memories.

I realized I hadn't responded to Garrett after he read the poem. I swallowed the venom that had pooled in my mouth and released my lip from its confines of my teeth. I nodded and took a shallow breath. "Yeah, that sounds fine. I think I like the idea of keeping my name in the music obscurely, even if no one else knows about it."

**

Over the next few days we spent a lot of time writing out new songs, reworking old ones, and toying with a few covers. We had scheduled a gig at a vampire bar in mid Alaska, so we were working our way back in that direction. I didn't know what to expect from a vampire bar and my mind was racing with different obscene scenarios and ideas. Garrett assured me it was in a very remote location, but I still found myself skeptical.

"What's the place called?" I asked as I was stuffing my few belongings into a backpack.

"Sangue Cantante. It's a play on an old vampire term. It means Blood Singer," he said while he zipped up the guitar bag and threw it over his shoulder. "Ready to go, Little-Bit?"

I nodded, glanced around the room one last time, and turned to follow him out the door of the motel. "So, what's the vampire term then?"

"La tua cantante. It means 'your singer'."

"That doesn't make any sense. Why would that be an old vampire term?" I asked.

"Some believe that there are humans who have a stronger blood scent that calls to us. The scent is said to be so strong it's nearly impossible to resist. They think the blood actually sings to them," he said quickly as we headed to the SUV.

I threw my bag on the floor of the passenger side and crawled in. I pulled my knees up to my chest and turned to look at him as he started the car. "Have you ever met your singer?" I asked, watching his reaction carefully.

He shook his head and pulled onto the main road out of town. "I haven't, though I have seen one who did. The girl didn't last long." He stopped and focused straight ahead for a long moment. "Listen Little-Bit, a singer is only a thought that is entertained by the Volturi. They coined the phrase, so to speak. After so many years of bringing lambs to their slaughter, they have come across a few that had irresistible blood. I don't know if I believe the whole dramatics of it, but I never argued."

"You were with the Volturi before?" I asked. I was a little confused. The way he spoke of them made it sound like he knew a lot about them. I looked for any signs that he was reluctant to talk to me about it, but he was still staring straight ahead.

"Yes." He blinked and nodded gently.

He didn't elaborate, but he hadn't specifically said he didn't want to talk about it either. I considered asking him further, but I felt my core shift, and my decision was made for me. I shot him a quick look of shock and sighed. I had lost enough of my control on my focus and emotions for him to be able to sense me again. "You could have simply said you didn't want to talk about it." I crossed my arms and huffed again as I turned to face forward, still watching him with my peripheral vision.

"I'm sorry, you're right. It's just instinct to shut out any curiosity about myself from people. I shouldn't have made your decision for you. Although, It's not often I can sense your core. Is something bothering you?" He turned and glanced at me. My resolve to keep him out faded and I nodded as he placed his hand on my knee.

"So I'm just 'people' now?" I cocked an eyebrow at him, but my slight grin gave me away. He chuckled and smiled, letting the light moment linger. After a long pause, I finally spoke again. "I think that's what I was to… _him. _Edward." I sighed. _You can say the name, Bella. It's not the end of the world._ I took another deep breath. "He once told me that my blood called to him; he said I was his 'own brand of heroin'. He spoke of his brother, Emmett, having encountered blood that called to him as strongly. Though, it didn't end well." I looked down at my hands and ran through the conversation in my mind. Once again, my memories were of the forest, being terrified I might lose something so important to me, and discussing my death.

"Wait, you were his Cantante, and you lived? I've never heard of such a thing before, Bell—"

"Phoenix," I corrected and sighed.

"What?"

"You almost called me Bella. Phoenix, remember? We don't want to slip-up around others. You should start calling me that from now on." I glanced back at him as he nodded.

"You're right, sorry. Anyway, that is unheard of. The whole point behind the Cantante term is that they are impossible to resist. The blood sings such a seductive and promising melody to our thirst that the vampire often doesn't even savor the moment properly. For him to resist you… that's just…" His voice trailed off as he shook his head in disbelief.

"Well, he never used the term. Maybe he had never heard of it before? Maybe I just smelled sweet to him. They were surprised he didn't kill me. I don't know. Let's just forget it, alright?"

Garrett took a deep breath, considering for a moment before he nodded. "Alright." His serious expression slowly turned into a grin as he glanced at me again. "So how about we get some shopping done? We should get you something nice for the show. A dress would be fitting for the occasion. What do you think?" He smiled, and the creases at his eyes formed, telling me it was genuine.

"I hate shopping. Alice always tried to get me to go shopping with her. Please don't make me," I pleaded.

He chuckled and patted my knee. "Nope, not getting off that easy. Let's find you a seductive dress and maybe some subtle heels for the show tomorrow. It'll be fun," he said through a smirk.

I rolled my eyes and found myself thankful it was Garrett instead of Alice. I could easily veto Garrett's suggestions; saying no to Alice, however, was much more complicated.

**

After four stores, and a lot of complaining, we settled on the dress that I would wear. It felt like it covered more skin than the miniskirts and snug strapless dresses he first suggested. The entire dress was midnight-blue, and was open all the way down to the dimples on my lower back. The sides were split all the way up to the hip, and the top had small rhinestones with thick straps that went behind the neck. It was a compromise on both of our parts. I really didn't want a dress that showed my arms, or that much of my skin, but he wanted a short, strapless mini-dress. It still felt like he had won.

We found a motel when we got to the outskirts of Cantwell, Alaska. Once inside, I hung up the dress, placed the shoes next to the closet and curled up on the bed. I was terrified of singing in front of people, and had no clue if I would actually go through with it or not. I felt my shield fading, and Garrett eyed me suspiciously. I took deep breaths and focused my mind. _I can do this. Garrett will help. I can do this. _

"Hey Little-Bit, I got you something else today," he called from the table by the door.

I sat up and looked at him, confused. Pulling the covers up to my shoulders, I sat with my legs crossed and waited for him to elaborate. He turned around with a small, black, velvet box in his hands, and I gasped. I scooted further back until I was pressed against the headboard. "Garrett, what's that? I don't want it. Please, I hate gifts."

"Hey." he said quietly. He held one hand up in the air, gesturing for me to wait. "Calm down, Little-Bit. It wasn't expensive, and I want you to have this. Please, calm down." He stopped at the foot of the bed and waited for me to breathe easier.

I took steady, deep breaths; slowing my intact of air. The action always seemed to calm me. I stared into his eyes, finding strength. I nodded when I was ready and he sat at the foot of the bed. He held the box out for me but I shook my head. "You open it," I whispered.

He nodded and opened the box slowly. Inside was a thin, silver chain with a yellow-gold, tear-drop stone encased in gold plating. I gasped and looked from the box to Garrett. His eyes were filled with sorrow, and I couldn't even begin to understand why. Before I could open my mouth to question him, he whispered something so quietly, I could barely understand it.

"Yellow is sorry," he mumbled.

"Why is yellow sorry, Garrett?" I was completely confused. I had no idea what he had to be sorry about.

"Yellow is sorry," he repeated, closing his eyes. After a few moments, he opened them slowly and looked at me. "I'm sorry, Bella. I'm sorry I couldn't stop Victoria, and I'm sorry I couldn't protect you from Edward. I'm sorry I couldn't take the pain away, and I'm sorry I can't be enough for you to be happy. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Bella," he whispered, choking back a sob on the last word. He curled inward, hunching over as his eyes squeezed tightly shut.

I reached out and placed a shaky hand on his shoulder. He stiffened at my touch, but I didn't let go. I moved my hand to his chin and pressed my fingers upwards, coaxing him to look at me. "I forgive you, Garrett," I whispered.

He peered up at me, his eyes glossy, as his body shuddered with silent, tearless sobs. We sat quietly and stared at each other, waiting for him to calm down. When he finally came around he held the box back up to me slowly, and turned the stone over. On the back of the gold plating holding the stone was two letters engraved in an elegant script with a heart around them.

"B.S," I whispered. I gasped and looked back at him. He had this engraved with my initials.

"I don't have too many memories of my life before I was turned. One that is still crystal clear to me is of a small girl sitting on a bench. I remember that I was waiting for something, but I can't recall what it was. This little girl saw that I was sad, and asked me what was wrong. I told her that I wasn't feeling very happy that day. She made a sour face and looked down at the ground, swinging her feet back and forth under the bench.

"Suddenly, she stopped and hopped down, plucked a small daisy from the ground and stood in front of me. She held the daisy out to me, and told me 'Yellow is sorry'. I remember giving her the most confused expression. She giggled of course, blushing and thrusting the flower towards me with embarrassment. I asked her why yellow is sorry and she explained that whenever someone is upset, the color yellow is supposed to make them smile. Her mother always told her that yellow is only for when you want someone to smile, or feel happy.

"This small child, no older than seven, was sorry that I was upset, and was trying to make me smile. The innocence and wisdom in her gesture has never been forgotten. So I give this gift to you for many reasons. First, yellow is sorry. I am sorry I could not be there when you needed someone on your side. Second, this is a yellow-gold citrine. This is the color your eyes will be in a few more months and I wanted to give you something to remind you of that. I know that your eyes bother you the most. Third, I wanted you to have something to remind you of your past. Our human memories fade all too quickly if we don't work to remember them. Never forget who you are, and where you came from, Bella Swan. Never forget, but never refuse to move on, either."

If my heart could beat, it would have stopped. His story was heartbreaking and so touching. The amount of thought and feeling he put into such a small gesture was astounding. I was speechless. It took everything I had to nod and not burst out sobbing. _He wants me to smile. _He was searching my eyes for any kind of response to his gift. I smiled gently and a soft giggle escaped my lips. The smile grew as he picked up the necklace and reached around my neck to fasten the clasp.

When he pulled away, the small teardrop gem was resting at the hollow of my neck, and I couldn't hold back my sobs any longer. I threw myself into his arms, and curled up in his lap. Nuzzling my nose into his neck, I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with his clove and woodsy scent. He was my rock, my protector. When everyone I cared for gave up on me, or left me, he stayed. When no one else wanted me, he took care of me. He was my brother, and I loved him.

* * *

**A/N: **The mentioning of 'Yellow is sorry' is taken from stella_luna_sky's fic, 'Bare' here on ff net. It's a great AH story about an artist and a writer. Canon pairings. I highly recommend it. Thank you to stella_luna_sky for letting me use your awesome saying! I greatly appreciate it!

So this is part one. Part two will be up next week probably. It seems Monday/Tuesdays are ending up my update days... so lets just plan on that, from here on out. Unless I have a beta or RL issue, I'll try to keep to that as a schedule.

Next chapter is the show at Sangue Cantante. Any guesses? Who wants to play Alice? I love theories, they make me giggle and smile appealingly. ;)

Speaking of 'Appease', everyone appease me and go wish OCDMess a Happy Birthday!!! (or HBD if you feel witty). March 29th is her awesome-sauce birthday, and this chapter is dedicated to her. If you haven't read her fics, you are truly missing out!!

**Song question for the chapter:** What song reminds you of being 'Sorry'?


	15. Ch 12: Refinement pt2

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A/N:** The fantastic four - BlahBlahBlah, OCDMess, WendyAnn, and Bikechick3 (I miss you!). The betas, validators and fic wife writers dream of!

Last chapter I asked what song reminds you of 'Sorry'. I liked all of your choices, great songs. Mine: REM – Losing My Religion, for personal reasons.

**This is a song fic and so all of my chapters are based on songs, lyrics, or covers. All links are from YouTube. **

_Rasputina – You Don't Own Me_  
/watch?v=B0oxLybgEic

_30 Seconds to Mars – The Kill_  
/watch?v=zMmQSEaS-w0

_Superchick – Stand in the Rain_  
/watch?v=hZjRMa7Pmj4

_Evanescence – Bring Me To Life (This version specifically for the long intro)  
_/watch?v=5qM-49wIkkA

* * *

**Chapter 12 Part II  
BPOV  
Friday May 19th, 2006**

The day of the show came quickly. I was in the dark blue dress Garrett had purchased for me and matching three-inch heels. I never took off the necklace Garrett gave to me. I played with it often, rubbing the stone very gently so as to not shatter it. When he caught me doing so, it made him smile. I was much better at handling things without breaking them, and when I rubbed the stone, it brought me comfort.

I triple checked my appearance in the mirror and sighed before turning to leave the motel. Garrett was already waiting for me in the SUV with the equipment. I slid into the passenger seat and nodded at him.

"Let's get this over with," I mumbled.

"Hey, chin up. You know I'll help you, just remember what we practiced with your shield. If you're feeling confident, focus your mind and keep your shield strong. If you start to waiver, let it go, and I'll help you stay focused on performing. I doubt you'll even need my assistance once you get comfortable." He smiled at me as we drove west to the club.

When we finally arrived, we parked on the side of the building by a small door. Garrett pulled out the keys but stayed in his seat. "Alright," he said as he took in a shallow breath. "We are going to go through the side door because it will be less of a shock for you. This is a vampire-only bar and they don't share our diet. The place is filled with the scent of human blood, which is served openly to its patrons. I know this may be a bit difficult for you, but there are no humans to attack for miles. Just keep reminding yourself of that fact, and swallow back the venom. We just went for a hunt this morning, so you aren't thirsty. Try to stay grounded and think of this as practice for playing in a human bar." He looked at me carefully, watching my reactions and expressions. "Will you be okay?"

I nodded and swallowed. I was terrified. I knew there was no one around for me to hurt, but I had never been surrounded by such a strong scent of human blood. I didn't want to mess this up for us.

"Alright, let's go." He reached down and squeezed my hand before getting out of the car. He pulled the equipment out of the back of the SUV and ran inside to set it down. He returned to my side quickly and held my door open for me.

I couldn't move. I was frozen in fear. I felt my shield dissolve quickly, and wished I could cry.

"Shh, Little-Bit, it's okay. Come on, you'll be fine," Garrett said softly.

I nodded slightly and swallowed once more. I slowly got out of the car and took his hand. We walked at a humans pace up to the side door and paused for a moment. I swallowed once more and nodded as I tugged on my lip ring gently. "Alright."

He opened the door and held it open for me. I froze in the doorway. The sweetest scent I had ever smelled seemed to float out of the building and nearly made me gag. I fought the instinct that screamed at me to drop into a crouch and growl. I struggled to remind myself that nothing here was a threat to me. Garrett squeezed my hand and smiled down at me. I took a moment to hold my breath before walking through the door.

Garrett followed me through the doorway and put his hand on my lower-back, guiding me towards the booth. There was a short man seated in one of the booths who watched us as we approached. He looked to be my father's age but had hair that reached his ears and fell in loose, sandy-blond curls. I could sense his gaze, and I was growing uncomfortable as he looked me over. I fought the urge to shiver and smiled at him instead.

"Maurice, this is Marie Phoenix. Phoenix, Maurice," Garrett said politely.

I extended my hand over the table, but he didn't return the gesture. After an awkward moment, I dropped my hand and ran my palms along my hips. I shrank back further into the safety of my mind and Garrett eyed me suspiciously. I was completely closed off to him, and I knew he didn't like it.

"We don't often allow newborns to play here. They tend to be aggressive and cause problems. I hope that you can behave tonight, Phoenix," Maurice said coldly.

I nodded and forced a polite smile. "Of course, Sir." I crossed my ankles and bent my knees, giving him a subtle curtsey to show my respect, holding back my snide comments.

"Phoenix is extremely controlled for her… age. I've never come across a newborn like her. You have my word, Sir; no problems shall arise tonight by our doing," Garrett assured him. He eyed me suspiciously, but didn't break his polite demeanor.

"You have three songs, or twenty minutes. I do have other talent lined up for the afternoon with full sets, so please be respectful about the time constraints. The floor is yours in five minutes," Maurice said.

Garrett and I both nodded and thanked him in unison. I curtsied once more and spun to face Garrett. He squeezed my hand and led me back to the stage where we set up the equipment. I was fighting the urge to run, but I held onto my shield, refusing to let Garrett sense my weakness. I could feel him watching me out of the corner of his eye as he tuned his guitars.

"Alright, all set, Little-Bit?" he asked.

"Sure." I nodded. I swallowed back more venom and took a shallow breath, trying to get accustomed to the burning in my throat.

"You'll need to let me in for the first few songs. Please, Little-Bit, we've been over this. I'm here to help," he said.

I nodded again, taking a deeper breath and felt the weight on my mind slowly fade. I locked eyes with Garrett, waiting for him to nod when he could sense that I was strong enough. Once he nodded, I took note of the pressure on my mind and tried to focus on keeping it there.

I moved the keyboard to the side so I wouldn't have to look at the crowd while playing. I wanted to hide as much as I could get away with. Garrett raised his eyebrow at me and I hung my head. _Alright, I won't hide, but I don't have to sing _to _them either._

I leaned against the edge of the stool with my back to the crowd. I could feel their eyes on me as I took another deep breath. The burning was starting to subside, but I still had to swallow constantly. The long notes of the opening reverberated throughout the room. We didn't introduce ourselves or speak to the crowd at all. We liked the mystery of being unknown and felt the music was the important part. We agreed we would introduce ourselves after the first song. Opening with a cover made it easier on me than dealing with the emotions of our own song right off the bat.

I rolled my shoulders and sighed as the music filled the room. _I can do this. _

_"You don't own me, no… I'm not one of your little toys,"_ I sang quietly. I closed my eyes and let Garrett tug at my decision to keep going. I hated the feeling of not being in control, but when I was singing, I felt like I was freed of my burdens.

I heard the crowd mumbling behind us about recognizing the song. I still felt completely shy, but I wasn't being booed off stage, and that was a relief.

_"Don't tell me what to do, and don't tell me what to say."_ I was quickly gaining confidence as I continued. I looked at Garrett who was grinning from ear to ear. I grinned back at him and sang the next line louder. _"When I go out with you, don't put me on display."_

The crowd was whispering about my shyness. A few of them said that they wished I would turn around, but I wasn't sure I was ready for that. I swayed as I sang, rolling my shoulders during each line. I could feel confidence rising in myself, and I had to fight to not put up my shield.

_"I don't tell you what to say, I don't tell you what to do. Just let me be myself, that's all I ask of you,"_ I let the last word linger as I swung my entire body in tandem to the beat. The crowd was hooting occasionally, but nothing too distracting or inappropriate. I raised my voice with the next verse as the song built up to the climax.

Garrett was playing louder and faster to match the tempo shift. At the peak of the song, I took in a deep breath of air, filling my lungs and letting the burn in my throat roar to life once again. Garrett stopped playing, letting the silence linger for a brief moment before strumming the chords louder than before. The crowd began to cheer as a wide grin crossed my lips.

I stood and turned around to face the crowd. _"I don't tell you what to say, I don't tell you what to do. Just let me be myself, that's all I ask of you!"_ I cried out. I swung my hips as I bent my knees, lowering myself slowly before swinging back up. I flicked my tongue over my lip ring and smirked as I took a step towards the crowd, filled with confidence. I felt like I was declaring my freedom, and the audience was cheering me on.

_"I'm young, and I love to be young. I'm free, and I _love_ to be free. Free to do whatever I want; to live my life the way that I please!" _I held the last note as the song faded out. The crowd stood while applauding. I looked towards the back of the room where Maurice was seated saw him clapping as well. I felt like I was on top of the world.

Garrett crossed the stage and leaned into me. "Great job, Little-Bit. I'm so proud of you. Let's keep going. I have faith in you," he whispered in my ear.

I smiled and nodded back at him, swallowing the venom in my mouth. _I made it through the first song, but can I manage to get through one of my own?_

"Thank you for staying and giving us a listen. We are Beautifully Sacred. This is Phoenix, and I'm Garrett. It's our pleasure to be performing here today. These next few songs are originals, so we hope you enjoy them as much as you liked our cover," Garrett said to the crowd.

I returned to the keyboard, sitting on the stool at an angle that only revealed my profile to the crowd. The fabric of my dress fell and the entire side of my thigh was exposed. I stood back up and moved the stool away. _I guess I'm standing_.

The intro to our next song began and I smiled. I felt like it had been years since that fateful day in the record store. I was amazed even then at how well our musical styles worked together. I drew in a deep breath and cleared my thoughts. I focused on the pressure in my mind, allowing Garrett to persuade me if he needed to. I knew this song could be dangerous to play. Hell_, _all of our original songs were emotional and could be dangerous for me to play. We were playing with fire, and we knew it. I felt like my self-control was on trial, not our musical talent. _What I wouldn't give for Jasper right now._

I felt Garrett tug at my core, pushing me to sing. I nodded, closed my eyes and sang the first line.

_"What if I wanted to break? Laugh it all off in your face. What would you do?"_ My fingers glided over the plastic keys of the keyboard as Garrett sang the harmony between my lyrics. As we moved into the chorus, I pulled all of my strength together and cried out the words. I would never forget how I felt when _he _walked away from me that night. I had wanted to dig a hole for myself and never move again. I wanted to hide my heart away from the world, but he had taken it with him and all I had left was a vacant spot where _he _belonged.

_"What if I wanted to fight? Beg for the rest of my life!"_ I screamed. I had been so angry, hurt, shocked, and devastated when _he_ left. I had clawed at the dirt and pleaded with the sky to bring him back. I apologized for everything and anything that I had done that night.

We worked our way through the song and I managed to hold it together for the first half. I was terrified of the bridge, however. As we reached the climax of the song, I stopped playing the keyboard and grabbed the microphone from the stand. I walked towards the front of the stage and looked out at the audience. Most of them were clapping along with the rhythm or swaying back and forth, but a few were standing casually and just observing. I rocked forward and backward to the beat as I cried out the peak of the song.

_"Look in my eyes. You're killing me, killing me! All I wanted was you!"_ I took a deep breath and tried to hold myself together. When we first created this part of the song, Garrett had sung it. This time, however, I would be the one laying my heart. His words mirrored my feelings, but we each had our own story behind it. He hadn't shared much of his past, but I knew he had been through a lot.

_"Finally found myself fighting for a chance. I know now…"_I closed my eyes and collapsed to my knees. The back of my dress hung limply as the front fell between my legs. I screamed out the last words to the bridge, pounding my fists on my thighs._ "This is who I really am!"_

I rocked back and forth to the rhythm. _"Come… break me down. Bury me… bury me. I… am… finished with you…"_ I whispered as I wrapped my free arm around my ribs. I stood up and took a deep breath. I looked back out at the audience. Nearly everyone looked shocked or impressed. _"What if I…"_ I grimaced slightly as we finished out the song, lingering on the end note.

"Thank you," I said quietly as the audience applauded.

I slowly got up from the floor and walked towards the center of the stage, placing the microphone back on the stand. I glanced at Garrett who still had the same grin plastered on his face. I moved the keyboard to face the audience while Garrett switched to his electric guitar. We needed the programmed tracks on the keyboard for the last two songs. I was nervous about playing them because they were so new, but Garrett assured me we would do fine. Garrett nodded at me, showing he was ready and I pressed down on the keys.

Garrett started to play after the first line and I smiled at him._ "She never slows down,"_ I whispered. _"She doesn't know why, but she knows that when she's all alone it feels like it's all coming down."_

My voice filled the room as I belted out the chorus. Garrett had written the song for me, and singing it was liberating. He told me to find my strength, and never let it go. Little did he know, he was my strength, and I wasn't ever letting go of him.

_"So stand in the rain; stand your ground! Stand up when it's all crashing down." _As I took a deep breath to finish the chorus, the crisp ring of his chords rang out. "_You stand through the pain, you won't drown, and one day what's lost will be found. You stand in the rain." _I repeated the chorus as the song reached its peak.

Some of the vampires in the crowd were grinning and moving to the music. Garrett was playing harder and faster than before, truly enjoying the execution of the song.

As I pressed the last note, a smile spread across my lips. The crowd cheered, and I couldn't help but feel amazing. _Three down, one more to go._

"Thank you, this will be our last one. We are Beautifully Sacred, and thank you for joining us this afternoon," Garrett said quickly.

I smirked as I thought about our last song. There was a lot of power and energy behind it, and it made me excited. I adjusted the microphone so it was closer to the keyboard. I imagined this song being played over a real piano when we wrote it, but the small keyboard was all we had room for.

I pressed down gently on the keys, making a repetitive melody that sounded eerie and reminded me sitting in the empty Cullen house as it rained outside. I began to sing out non-words, letting my voice and the sounds of the keyboard fill the room. Garrett smiled as he watched me bellow out the wide range my vocals were capable of as a vampire. I could sing decently before, but my range had become rather incredible after the change, and I was very thankful.

A few people in the crowd started cheering as I reached the high notes and held them. I slowly crawled back into my mind, shutting Garrett out entirely. This song was filled with strong emotions for me, but I knew that I would be fine. It was about my change, and my decision to either live or die. It had little to do with Edward, and more to do with my new life.

I changed the melody on the keys as I stopped singing. I let the notes linger in the room before fading into a faster rhythm; the effect was haunting. Garrett's grin grew wider as he continued to watch me play. I gave him a wink as my confidence grew.

_"How can you see into my eyes like open doors?"_ I whispered over the haunting notes. I was still locked onto Garrett's eyes as I sang. _"Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb," _I sang louder. I pressed down on the keys with more force, making each note crisp and powerful.

_"Without a soul, my spirit's sleeping somewhere cold. Until you find it there and lead it…back…"_ I grinned widely as I pressed the last key and took a deep breath._ "Home."_ Garrett smirked and struck the strings with force as he joined the song. I grabbed the microphone off the stand and strutted to the front of the stage.

_"Wake me up!"_ Garrett sang into his own microphone.

_"Wake me up inside!"_ I sang directly after him.

_"I can't wake up!"_ he sang louder. I repeated my same line as before as I walked towards him.

_"Save me!"_ he screamed. I leaned my back against his right side and rested my head on his shoulder.

_"Call my name and save me from the dark!"_ I cried out. We sang back and forth for the chorus, sharing the vocals.

_"Save me from the nothing I've become!"_ I sang with a smirk. I left his side and danced across the stage, swinging my hips to the music.

This song was our anthem to each other. He had saved me, brought me out of the darkness and into the light. I had sunk so deep into a depression that I hadn't known who I was anymore. When I was changed, I wanted nothing more than to die. I felt like I had nothing left to live for. He helped me see that I have so much I could live for. I may never be complete, but I _could_ have a life.

There was one line that was for Edward because I would always and forever consider him to be my everything; my love. As we finished the second chorus, I stood center stage and closed my eyes. _"Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling."_ I shuddered and gasped, dropping to my knees. The whole in my chest ripped open as I saw Edward's face perfectly in my mind.

_"Only you are the life, among the dead!"_ I screamed out, holding the last word until I had no air left in me to sing. My head fell into my hands as I shook. _My heart is dead without you._

Garrett sang his solo with a deeper voice than usual. I threw my head back up and gasped for air to sing the next line.

_"I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems, got to open my eyes to everything," _I sang under his vocals. I stood quickly and walked back towards him as he finished the next line. I touched his shoulder and looked into his eyes. _"Don't let me die here,"_ I whispered.

_"There must be something more!"_ he growled fiercely. Garrett closed his eyes. It looked like a wave of pain had washed over him. _Was he remembering something from his past?_

I spun around and leaned against him again, closing my eyes tightly. "_Bring me to life!"_ I screamed over the music. We began the chorus once more as I rocked back and forth to the music. I stomped my foot harder than I intended to and snapped the heel of my shoe. I kicked off both of my shoes, shrinking three inches, and walked across the stage as I continued the song. We sang back and forth, sharing the lines and speeding up the music.

The entire crowd was moving with an incredible amount of energy. I was awestruck. A grin spread across my face as we finished the last chorus and ended the song on a hard note. I looked over at Garrett and saw he was just as smitten with that. I ran across the stage, barefoot, and leapt into his arms. He had to spin the guitar to the side so I wouldn't crush it between our bodies. I buried my nose in his neck and held him tightly. His chest rumbled as he laughed. I squeezed him tighter and he groaned.

"Oomph, Little-Bit, you're crushing me," he said.

I jumped off of him and looked down at the ground, embarrassed. "Sorry…"

He laughed again and grabbed my hand. "I can still picture your blush. I miss it sometimes," he said quietly.

I stared at the ground, even more embarrassed as I mumbled incoherent words. He chuckled and pulled me in for a hug, wrapping his arms around my waist.

"You did amazing, Little-Bit. Amazing. I'm so proud of you." He lifted my chin and looked into my dark red eyes. I blinked and looked away as I chewed on my lip.

"Thanks, Garrett," I mumbled.

"Don't mention it. Come on, let's get our gear off the stage before we run over twenty minutes."

I nodded and ran to the side of the stage where I had left my shoes. I grabbed them and started wrapping up the cords quickly as Garrett took the bigger equipment out to the SUV. Within seconds, the stage was cleared. Someone cleared his throat from behind us, causing me to jump.

"I just wanted to say how impressed I was with your show. I also wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier. It wasn't fair of me to pass judgment on you simply because of your age. I hope that you will accept my apology, and my congratulations on the excellent performance," Maurice said.

I was completely shocked. He was apologizing? I hesitated for a moment before I extended my hand. He shook it politely and smiled at me before releasing his grip.

"Of course. I can understand your feelings towards those who are newly changed. Apology accepted, and thank you for the kind words," I replied. I looked up at Garrett who was standing beside me. He was looking down at me with a genuine smile.

"She has extraordinary control, as well as talent. Thank you, Sir, for giving us both the chance to play here tonight," Garrett said.

"It was my pleasure, Garrett. I would like to speak to you both, if you have a moment?" Maurice asked.

"Of course. We're in no hurry," I replied.

"Excellent. Well, I just wanted to say how talented you both are, and that you're welcome to play here anytime. I have a few bands that play here regularly, and would like you to become one of those few." Maurice looked at us both closely, waiting for our reaction.

I gasped and looked up at Garrett, shocked. He was grinning and nodding his head. I looked back at Maurice with my mouth still hanging open. I shut it quickly and swallowed the venom pooling in my mouth. _The scent here is overwhelming, but if we want to play anywhere with humans I'll have to get used to it. _I nodded eagerly and smiled.

"Thank you, Sir. You don't know how much that means to me, to us," I said quickly.

"Let's just say I have a knack for knowing true talent when I hear it, and you guys have the potential to go far. I don't want to sound too forward, but I could see you topping charts with that last song of yours. If that's what you want, anyway," Maurice said.

"I… I don't know. I don't think we want that kind of fame. I mean, please don't get me wrong, we really enjoyed performing today, but I don't know if we would do well with that kind of popularity. I see us making albums, and maybe doing small gigs," Garrett explained.

"Ah, yes. The music is your focus, not the media attention. You remind me of another band I've signed that plays here regularly. They too simply enjoy playing live and making music. Well, either way, I would like to extend an offer to the both of you. I have a record label and production studio. If the two of you are interested in being signed, I would love to hear more of your music and discuss contracts. I don't offer this to many that play here, so I would appreciate you being discreet, but should you ever be interested, call me." He handed Garrett his card with a grin and bowed his head at me.

"Uh… thank you, Sir. Thank you!" Garrett said, surprised.

"Oh! One more thing. If one of my signed bands needs an opener, would you two ever be interested in something like that, if it wasn't too large of a venue?" he asked.

Garrett and I looked at each other. I wasn't certain I wanted to be moving this quickly, but I knew a chance like this didn't come along every day either. Garrett could probably sense my indecision and turned back to Maurice.

"Would they be vampires as well, or humans?" Garrett asked.

"Like us, most likely. I rarely sign a human band, let alone have them tour with our kind," he answered.

I nodded. "That sounds fine then."

"Excellent! How about I get your number so I can give you a call if any openings arise and in the meantime you two work on finalizing a track list for a CD. We can sit down and discuss your options when you have enough content," he said.

I couldn't believe it. We were being offered to be signed after our first show. I looked around the room as Garrett was writing down his cell phone number and our email address. There were a few of the audience members hanging around by the side door, watching us.

We finished up with Maurice and headed for the car, but the group at the door stopped us.

"Hey, we just wanted to say you guys had some great songs. We do cover songs here once a week, and you guys are one of the best original bands we've seen in a while," the taller one with long, black hair said.

"Yeah, you guys were great. If Virulent Disease didn't already have an opening band lined up, you guys would have fit perfectly," the shorter one with dirty-blond hair said.

"Uh, thanks…" Garrett said slowly, waiting for their names.

"Oh, I'm Jameson, and this is Christophe," The blond said.

"B-Marie Phoenix," I said, almost slipping up. "This is Garrett." We shook their hands and smiled politely. I really wanted to get out of the bar if this conversation was going to take any longer; the smell of human blood was a bit much when I wasn't being distracted by performing.

"So, we heard you are still a newborn, Marie. When did you change?" Christophe asked.

"Call me Phoenix, please, and I changed a little over four months ago. Listen, would you mind if we took this conversation outside?" I asked quickly. I was swallowing constantly and panic was starting to rise.

Garrett glanced down at me, narrowing his eyes as if he was trying to peer into my mind. I nodded and looked back at the door, and back up at him. He got the point.

"Yeah, let's go outside where it's less crowded. I'm sure the next band will be starting soon enough," Garrett said casually.

As we walked outside, I heard Maurice behind us at his booth.

"What do you mean they had to cancel? They're due to play in ten minutes," Maurice said, sounding upset.

"Well Sir, they said they had a disagreement and wouldn't be able to make tonight's show. Shall I call another band to fill in?"

"Yeah, I guess we should. Shit. Well, give Virulent Disease a call, they live close by and should be able to make it. Tell them we can work out an arrangement for payment once they get here."

The door closed behind us and I looked up at Garrett. He shrugged and wrapped his arm around my waist. I took a deep breath, filling my lungs with the clean air and his woodsy scent, and smiled.

**

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**A/N:** First, special thanks goes out to Simple . Luv for her review that mentioned 'Stand in the Rain' back on Chapter 4. This chapter is dedicated to you, and your amazing friend whose strength should be admired, and courage should be applauded. I _truly_ hope things get better for your friend; you are an amazing person to her, I'm sure.  
I listen to all of the songs people suggest in their reviews that answer my chapter song questions, and sometimes, like in this case, I use them.

Bella's Dress and Necklace can be seen on my profile! Check them out. Also, if you're into AH twi-fic, check out my new fic, Memories Left Behind.

So, any guesses? I love to hear your theories – sometimes you guys are closer than you think! Next chapter is split between Edward POV and Bella POV, but I will be posting it as one chapter.

Also, to those asking, this story is plotted for around 25-27 chapters, with an Epilogue still in debate. Half way there, folks!

**Song question for the Chapter:** Name a song that gave you chills when you first heard it, either due to vocals, or lyrics, or performance if you saw it live. I want physical chills and awe, people!

_Teasers for pleasers, my sweets. You please - I'll send a tease. ;) Just ask for it._


	16. Ch 13: Juncture

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. No copyright infringement is intended. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended. I.e. I own nothing!**

**A/N: **Thanks to the magnificent four, as always! You guys rock my world.

_Last chapter_ I asked what song or songs gave you physical chills. My answer: Concrete Blonde – Tomorrow Wendy. It's about a woman who has aids, and the song is just amazing. I highly suggest you listen to it live. The song that gave me chills when listening to it live: Bjork – Hyperballad. She was phenomenal in concert.

_No songs this chapter, but oh.. there will be songs next chapter. I promise!_

_

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_

**Chapter 13  
EPOV  
Friday May 5th, 2006**

They say time flies when you're having fun.

It had been four months since Bella died, and eight months since I had left her. Jasper and Alice had been trying to keep me occupied with our music and playing shows. I would grimace through each day; just trying to keep my head above water.

I wasn't having fun.

I swore I would continue playing for Bella. When I used to play for her, it had calmed her and eased her mind. I found myself wishing for those nights when the moon would light up the sky, and the world would be silent; the only sound was that of her breathing and heartbeat. Living in Alaska, the sun hardly came out as it was, so I was constantly plagued by darkness. I dreamed of sleep, of salvation, but it never came.

Last week, we played a gig at _Sangue Cantante_. Maurice needed someone to cover last minute. The band slotted to play had an argument that turned unfortunate. He didn't go into details, and we didn't ask. When we arrived at the club, something felt off. I could smell a peculiar scent, but I couldn't quite put my finger on it. It was floral, and amazingly sweet. I assumed it was the human blood again so I pushed it from my mind, but when it grew stronger on the stage I recognized it as a vampire's scent. I'm not a tracker by any means, but something about the scent, or maybe it was scents, was incredibly familiar.

Jasper caught my curiosity and shot me a glance. I shrugged it off, and we played a great show. As I looked into the minds of some of the patrons, however, I found that some of their thoughts were hazy. A few of Maurice's assistants were talking about the band that had played thirty minutes before we'd arrived, and I could never get a clear image in their minds. I was beginning to fear I was losing my talent. I focused on other minds in the room and found that they weren't fuzzy at all. That is, until they too thought of the previous band.

I decided to ask Carlisle about it when I got home, and pushed the strange images from my mind.

"Excellent, as always!" Maurice said, clapping his hand on Jasper's shoulder after the show.

We smiled at him and said our thanks. As Alice and Jasper turned to take the equipment back outside, I decided to take the opportunity to ask Maurice about the previous band.

"Maurice, is the band that played earlier this afternoon still around?"

"Beautifully Sacred? No, no… they left shortly before you arrived. I imagine the blood was getting to the girl," he said nonchalantly.

"What do you mean?" I asked. _Did they follow a different diet too?_

"I don't often allow newborns to play here, but I've known Garrett for some time, and he insisted she would be fine. Truth be told, I was quite surprised. She was phenomenal."

His mind was hazy as he pictured them playing not even two hours prior. I could make out the image of the male much clearer than I could the female. It was like someone had put a blurring filter over Maurice's entire memory. I wondered if he remembered it hazily, or if I just saw it that way.

"Can you recall what they looked like?" I asked. I knew I might sound crazy, but I had to know.

"Of course, but there's not much to tell. She had simple features, brown hair, a lip ring, and was incredibly petite, similar to Alice. He's exceptionally tall with long golden-red hair, and strong features. Why do you ask, Edward?" He looked at me curiously. In his mind, he was going over how well we would play together, but he didn't want to test the girl's willpower and strange denial for human blood. _So they did share my family's diet._

"Just curious. I overheard a few others talking about their performance. They seemed to think we shared a musical style." I tried to sound casual, but his smirk told me I wasn't very successful.

"Ah, yes. _Style_. Well you both share similar _lyrical_ styles, however, I wouldn't say you're _musically_ similar," he answered with a smirk still playing across his lips.

I decided I had asked enough questions and thanked him for letting us play. I helped Jasper and Alice situate our equipment in the back of Emmett's jeep and we headed home.

When I asked Carlisle about the hazy memories later that night, he had told me it could have been a talent; a protection of some sort. We discussed different filters and protection talents he had heard of, but nothing seemed to fit. We even asked Eleazar, but he couldn't think of anything that would affect someone's mind when the vampire was no longer present.

I tried not to think about it all week, but the hazy images kept haunting me. Jasper would sense my curiosity, confusion, and frustration, and send me an awkward glance, but I never brought up the issue.

Over next week we started to piece together the final versions of the tracks for the CD. We had finished everything except mastering the audio. We spent three days adjusting sliders, changing tempo, and rearranging beats. By mid-May, we finished the CD and sent it off to Maurice for production.

We were pleased with the sound and flow of the CD. The release date was set for June 18th and a show was scheduled at _Sangue Cantante _the day before for a private release party. Maurice had lined up several shows for us throughout Canada to promote the album, and two human bands were slotted to open. We hadn't made it big by any means, but we had done well for ourselves. _A Pain That I'm Used To_ was playing regularly on radio alternative rock stations, and we did an interview over the phone for an Alaskan station.

We signed contracts that stated no photography, or recordings were allowed, and we wanted no contact with the other bands playing. We would probably come across as arrogant, amongst other things, but it was a requirement that we couldn't be flexible on. If the Volturi thought we were pushing the possibilities of exposure, we could be in some serious trouble.

Emmett agreed to be our roadie. The idea of being a part of the band made him ecstatic. We showed him how to set up the equipment, and what got plugged in where for our shows. People as big as Emmett don't often get asked a lot of questions and the last thing we needed, was people prying any hired help for information.

We played smaller gigs throughout the first week of June, testing the water so to speak. Jasper had no problems playing in a human club. Surprisingly enough, it was actually easier than playing at the vampire bar. The human bands were pretty good and we enjoyed their music, but they were often nervous, and would take longer to get ready. Watching them helped us realize where we needed to act more human. Chatting while on stage, or missing a note or vocal line would help us to keep up the charade.

It was like the first time in high school as a vampire all over again. We had to watch their mannerisms very closely, subtle things like leaning into the guitar for a harder note, or the expression on their face when you could tell they were lost in their own music. The lead singers also made eye contact with fans a lot more than I had thought was normal. We spent two weeks before the release party perfecting our façade.

At the pre-release party, we signed copies of our CD and played the entire thing live from track one to thirteen. We had placed _Apologize_ and _Something I Can Never Have_ at the end of the CD and they were quite hard for me to perform in front of an audience. The crowd could probably tell some tracks were hard on me, but they cheered us on, helping to bring me out of my somber reverie.

We gave CD's away at the club for free. Sangue Cantante was the place that made us into what we were, and we felt we owed it to them for giving us a chance that fateful day. That day had changed our lives in so many ways, and while most of them weren't for the better, I was still grateful for the experience of playing there. I had sworn I would continue playing for Bella, and I planned on keeping my promise to her this time.

**

**Friday July 28th, 2006**

We finished the first tour with very few problems. We had the occasional fan try to take pictures and get thrown out, but overall the shows went well. None of us had any problems with the scent of human blood and the other bands didn't bother us. Most of the talk at the shows was about the music, with occasional gossip about our identities. We introduced ourselves as A, J, and E to avoid using our real names. Performing our songs was becoming easier as well, but we avoided playing _Something I Can Never Have_ live. Consequentially, it was the most requested song by fans.

We had a month off from shows before we were scheduled to begin a new tour. There was a new band lined up and the gigs were slightly larger. Each venue scheduled a local band to open the show, the second band was given forty-five minutes to play and we had an hour. We were looking forward to playing with a new band and for a bigger audience.

Our second single, _The Reason,_ was released to radio stations and made it on the "top twenty requested songs" lists in Alaska and Canada. We were doing quite well on music charts, and in sales. Maurice scheduled our second tour to start in Anchorage, Alaska and then go down to Juneau. From there we would head through British Columbia, and into Alberta and Saskatchewan. It was only twelve shows, but we were excited.

We were packing up the trailer with our gear and getting ready to head towards Anchorage when Alice had a vision. Before I could ask her about it, the phone rang. Alice answered and within seconds we were all gathered around her, listening to the conversation.

"What do you mean they had to pull out of the tour?" Alice asked.

"The lead guitarist had some kind of accident and he won't be out of intensive care until half way through next week. Apparently, he's going to need some kind of physical therapy, so the band won't be able to tour with you," Maurice said.

"Oh, wow. That's so unfortunate. Is he going to be okay?" Alice asked. Jasper and I glanced at each other.

'_I hope he recovers. It would be horrible if he couldn't play again.' _

I nodded at Jasper and looked back at Alice.

"I'm sure he'll be fine. However, we're now in a predicament with the tour. We need a band to fill the spot and I don't have any other human bands under my management that are available to join," he explained.

"Oh, well what about another band, like us?" Alice asked. Not even a second after the question left her lips, she had another vision of us on stage in Anchorage. '_The tour won't be canceled,' _she confirmed silently.

"Actually… there's a band that played at our club a few times and I recently signed. They don't have a CD released yet, and haven't been on any tours, but if you want, I can ask them."

The three of us exchanged looks. I was hesitant to have another vampire band playing with us. The tour could easily draw unwanted suspicion.

"We could still ask to have little or no contact with them," Jasper suggested.

I nodded, causing Alice to grin.

"Sure! We would want to keep the same rules intact, however," Alice said to Maurice on the phone.

"Sure. I'll give you a call back in a few moments with their answer," Maurice replied.

Alice hung up the phone and shot me a look of curiosity. "Why wouldn't you want to get to know them, Edward? We wouldn't have to keep our secret from them, so we wouldn't have to worry about becoming friends with them." Alice pouted.

"I doubt they share our diet, and I don't want to be associated with them anymore than necessary in case anything happens. Our similar appearances is already suspicious enough," I replied.

"Hmph." She crossed her arms and glared at me, only half serious.

We waited for Alice to have a vision of the conversation or the band's decision, but nothing came. After five minutes of waiting, the phone rang again. At that exact same moment, Alice had a vision of us playing in Anchorage. She answered the phone quickly and the vision faded. It all happened so fast, I couldn't take in the subtleties of the vision.

"So?" Alice asked excitedly.

"They agreed, but oddly enough, they asked for the same privacy as you all. I can't understand why. I mean, you both share the same peculiar diet…"

"Wait, they do?" I asked.

Maurice chuckled. "Yes, they do, Edward. In fact, you've already heard of them."

My mind raced as I tried to remember watching or listening to another vampire band. There were the few musicians that would play at the club, but they weren't technically a band by any means. I furrowed my brows in confusion, thoroughly convinced that he must be mistaken.

"Well what kind of music do they play?" Alice asked, ignoring his previous statement.

"It varies, but mostly rock. They only play keyboard and guitar, choosing to mix their tracks digitally. I would compare them to a softer version of Garbage, perhaps - though their acoustic stuff is equally amazing. I think your two styles will complement each other well," he said.

_Complement. _

Could he be referring to the band that played before us back in May at Sangue Cantante?

"Still confused, Edward?" Maurice chuckled on the phone.

"Well, I think everything will work out great. Thanks for finding someone to replace the other band, Moor. What's the band's name though? Maybe we could look up some of their stuff before the show in two days," Alice said, ignoring his comment to me once again.

"You won't find their music anywhere online. They've only ever played live, but their name is Beautifully Sacred," he replied.

**

We sat on the floor of our motel room, in front of the coffee table. We were trying to decide on the proper order of the songs to be played. We had already agreed that the last song we wrote, _Take Me,_ would be a great way to open the show. It was the only song I had written the lyrics to that filled me with energy. It was about the cruel chain of events of the past year and how no one understood the pain and anger inside of me.

"Alright, so _Take Me_ is the opener, followed by _A Pain That I'm Used To_. We have agreed we're going to close with _Dear Friend_, _Shadow of the Day_, and _Apologize._ I think we should do our cover of '_Fever'_ to kind of liven things up before the last few songs," Alice said.

"Are you sure you can handle doing those two songs last, Edward? I know they get to you. We can put them in the middle, or just cut them and do a cover of something else," Jasper suggested.

I furrowed my brows and sighed. The last two songs were hardest on me to play live because they reminded me of everything that had gone wrong, and what it had cost me. That's exactly why I had to do them last. If I had to sit at that piano and sing of useless apologies, I needed to be able to escape directly afterward. It may make me sound like a coward, but I was devoted to playing them every night, as if it would make up for every wrong decision I had made, and what it cost me.

"No, I want them to be last. I'll manage, Jasper, I always do."

He nodded and looked back down at the list. We considered other rearrangements until we finally settled on a set-list and had Alice check to see if it was a good choice.

"I can't tell… I can't see some things clearly," she said after looking for a third time.

Jasper's mind was running through the multiple possibilities that could cause her to have trouble seeing our future for the night. He was concerned for Alice, but also filled with doubt that I wouldn't be able to finish the show.

"I'm sorry, Edward. I don't mean to make it seem like I doubt you. It's just that this has never been an issue for us. Alice can always see our night after we make the set-list," he explained.

"I know. I don't get it either," I responded.

"Maybe it has to do with the show in particular. Maybe something is going to happen at this venue that is undecided," Alice suggested.

"Well, explain what you _are _seeing," I asked.

"I see the band before us leaving the stage in a rush. I can't see the band themselves; I just get an impression that things are rushed. When I try to look for their set, it's entirely black and foggy except for a few glimpses of parts of their songs, but even those I can't see the band, just the general setup of the stage and the crowd. Nothing has ever been fuzzy like this, and the only time I've ever seen things black and foggy was…"

We all knew when the last time she had a vision like that, and it did nothing to calm us.

"Alright, well what about our set? What do you see?" Jasper asked, trying to change the subject.

"Well, we get a late start, but only a few minutes because we have to clear the stage. The set goes fine up until the last three songs and then things get blurry again and go black and foggy. Maybe we should just cancel the show?" Alice said, panicked. Her mind flashed with how we would spend the evening if the show was canceled, and we were all just irritated and frustrated.

"No, we should play the show. We just need to be extra cautious tonight. Also, keep an eye out for anything strange at the venue, and with the other band. Let's avoid any kind of contact with them at all, and just stay focused. We should probably hunt again before the show as well, just to be safe," I said.

"Alright. I don't see anything changing, but it's the best we can do, right?" Alice asked.

Jasper and I both nodded. We cleared the papers from the table as Alice wrote out the set-list for the night. We didn't technically need the piece of paper to remind us of what song came next, but we liked to document the experience, and we found it made us appear more human to do so. We also found that a few fans liked to ask for the set-lists at the end of the show, and get them signed. Since we didn't allow pictures or video of any kind, it was the least we could do to appease our avid followers.

We went next door to Rosalie and Emmett's hotel room. After letting them know about the visions, they decided they would come with us for a quick hunt before the show. As we headed downstairs, I caught a peculiar scent. I stopped in the hallway and looked around, searching for the thoughts around me in various rooms. Nothing seemed out of the ordinary, but it still gave me an uneasy feeling.

"What is it, Edward?" Jasper asked.

"The scent. I've smelled it before. It's floral, but mixed with a woodsy scent. Two different scents, perhaps?"

"Who cares, we should get going so we can be back in time to get ready and head to the venue," Rosalie said, impatiently.

I sighed and nodded. Something felt familiar, but not right. It stirred a feeling in my chest that I couldn't even name, and put me on edge. Jasper sent me a wave of calm and I took a deep breath.

Tonight would be interesting.

******

**Chapter 13  
BPOV  
Friday July 28th 2006**

_Today is the day._

I had been hunting constantly, and practicing my breathing techniques to calm me and help my shield remain intact. I had gotten to the point where I was comfortable around humans and Garrett didn't need to help me keep control of my impulses. I hadn't voluntarily lowered my shield in over two months to ensure a human's safety. I was still a newborn for all intents and purposes, but I could control my thirst rather well.

We discovered a lot about my talent over the spring, and I was gaining better control over it every day. We learned that I had two shields. One protected myself entirely from any kind of mental powers, attacks, or persuasions. This was the shield I had been dropping when Garrett needed to sense my core. I would pull myself out of the confines of my mind by focusing on emotions, or something physical. We found that I often let it fade when I thought of Edward, or the pain of changing. My chest would ache, I would whimper, and almost immediately Garrett could sense my core. Only minutely, but he sensed it. I would tuck myself back into the safety of my mind and the evidence of my core would disintegrate.

The second shield was my outer shield. This was what I had been using when I protected others around me. I would focus on them not being hurt and the shield would protect them, connecting us in a way. I found I became overly emotional and withdrawn from myself when I protected others for a long amount of time. It was an odd sensation, so I didn't do it often with strangers.

Garrett had gotten used to me protecting him because it was like second nature to me. I had come to care for him so greatly I couldn't bear to imagine him being hurt, or in danger. He was like my big brother, and I cared for him deeply. Most of the time, he was complete encompassed with my shield, and I could feel his energy tied to mine, almost like our cores were connected. I became sensitive to him in ways similar to empathy, but it was nothing defined, or drastic like Jasper must feel. It was more like bonding, or being in tune with someone entirely. When he was upset, I was upset. Not because I could feel his emotions, but because it bothered me that he was feeling that way. Consequentially, when he was excited, or happy, I too became upbeat.

We practiced my talent a lot at Sangue Cantante. We even met a nomad with mental powers that helped me to learn to control my dual shields. His name was Randall, and he could affect memories. He had only been a vampire for seven years, so I'd felt we would have a bit more in common and started talking to him. His power could only affect memories if he was present in them, and only shortly after they happened. The longer it was from the memory, the harder it was to change. He hadn't discovered nearly as much about his talent as I had in such a small amount of time, and he was amazed by my control over my thirst. He provided a safe person to test my gift on with Garrett, and we each helped each other discover more about our talents and how they applied to the mind.

After a few weeks, he moved on, saying he was headed towards the states. He didn't share our diet, so I asked him to please abstain from Washington. He agreed, stating that he looked after his loved ones for a few years once he could control his thirst as well. He understood.

We spent most of June finalizing our songs and talking with Maurice about producing our first album. He told us there was a lot involved in it and that we should sit down and discuss the details. When he called us to ask if we wanted to go on tour with one of his bigger bands, we were uncertain. The idea of playing in front of humans had me panicked. We had only really played at Sangue Cantante. We played a few acoustic songs at coffee shops, but nothing for more than twenty minutes, and definitely nothing that made us the sole focus of the audience's attention.

Garrett seemed so excited over the idea, so I shoved my insecurities aside and agreed to the tour. We hashed out the details over the phone, and got a list of all of the locations and dates and times. We asked him if we could have little to no contact with the other band. I didn't like the idea of being so close to another group for so long. I enjoyed my quiet life with Garrett. Being just the two of us gave me something I could count on. I didn't want to be disappointed if I mistakenly got my hopes up over something, or someone. I wanted to feel constant.

When we hung up the phone, Garrett pulled me into a near bone-crushing hug. I could almost feel the excitement in the air as his grin reached his eyes, causing his skin to crease at the corners like they had when I first met him over six months ago. We practiced our songs for the entire day and night after the phone call. We worked on a set-list and bought a few more things we would need for the tour such as a small trailer, and carrying cases for the equipment. We left that night and went hunting before heading to our hotel room in Anchorage.

We told Maurice we didn't need a hotel room, but he insisted. Apparently, the plans had already been made for a human band that ended up having to cancel. When we discovered a human band was slotted to play with a vampire band, it made us very curious. Could it be possible that they shared our diet? We put the idea out of our minds and kept telling ourselves to focus on our music, our control, and the façade of being human.

My eyes had changed into a burnt orange. While I was glad the red irises were finally gone, I was still frustrated they hadn't turned golden yet, like Garrett's. He had stopped drinking human blood entirely, which made me very pleased. The color of my eyes got me a few curious glances, but it was easy to pass off as contacts or a golden-brown color in darker light. Since the other band was made up of vampires as well, we assumed the shows would be at night, in a dark-lit venue. Maurice eased my concerns and told me that the other band requested no pictures, no video, and low backlighting only.

We pulled into the hotel a little after nine in the morning. The sky was cloudy and rain was threatening its departure from the gray coverage. The summer brought long, sunny days, often only staying dark for six hours. The month of July was always wet in the northern hemisphere, and reminded me of home, in Forks, Washington. I let my mind wander to my father as we found our room and closed the door behind us. I walked to the window and pulled back the curtain. Many of my songs had been written while I sat in front of a small, open window as rain poured outside. The floor-to-ceiling windows of the hotel didn't open, nor did they look out onto a forest. Instead, they looked over the city and a constant wave of motion many stories bellow.

"So, are you sure about this set-list, Little-Bit? We don't have to play all of those songs last. We could play some of my older stuff. I know it's easier for you to perform," Garrett asked from the closet. He was looking through the bags of clothes he had bought over the past twenty-four hours for our shows. He was adamant about me being dressed up. After wearing a dress to Sangue Cantante and hating it, I told him pants were a must, but other than that he was free to buy me whatever he wanted. He was sour about the rule at first, but he found a lot of things he deemed worthy. I rolled my eyes at the designer shirts that showed more skin than they covered.

"I'm sure. We should be playing what'll be on the album. If we want people to buy it when it comes out, they should know what they're buying. Besides, we've practiced them much more than your older songs over the last few months. I'll be fine, I promise."

He pulled a garment bag from the rack and closed the closet door behind him. He unzipped it, laid it across the bed, and looked up at me. "Alright, fine. But the first time I sense your core, we are changing the set-list."

"That's not fair! You know it fades slightly when I get emotional. How about the moment you can _persuade_ me to change the set-list, we will. Otherwise, I'm obviously still in control enough to continue," I argued.

"Fine. Now what do you think about this outfit?" he asked with a smirk across his lips.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I lifted myself from my seat at the window and walked to the bed. I looked down at the outfit and rolled my eyes again, clicking my tongue in irritation. "I think it'll look like I got in a fight with a wild animal and the shirt lost," I said bitterly.

He chuckled and pulled the gray shirt out of the bag entirely, holding it up to my chest. It had slashes across the bottom, and the back was nearly non-existent. It was a very light material, almost see-through, and had no sleeves.

"Why don't you just put me in a bikini, it might have more material," I said sarcastically.

"Because I didn't think you'd go for it." He winked.

I chuckled and rolled my eyes. I had put my foot down about pants, so I didn't care much about the tops. Humans couldn't see my scars, so it didn't bother me as much as it would have if I were still mortal.

Thoughts of Alice crossed my mind, causing me to sigh. Surely she would have dragged me along with her to go shopping. I reminded myself how lucky I was to have Garrett, and how he respected when I said no or set boundaries. I took the shirt from him and peered back down at the bag.

"And the pants? Hopefully they cover more skin than this poor shirt. I hope this wasn't expensive; there isn't enough fabric here to constitute paying very much for it." I glanced at Garrett and smiled when I saw his grin get wider. Secretly, he enjoyed my complaining about fashion and prices. He wasn't as fashionably driven as Alice was by far, but he always argued that every occasion should be granted with a look and style to match it.

"The pants are more subtle. See? Thin, black denim with laced eyelets; nothing too drastic." He pulled them out of the bag and held them up for me to see. They were tighter jeans than I was used too, but they weren't crazy or completely out of my comfort zone. Once again, he'd managed to push me out of my normal fashion, and met me in the middle.

"I can live with that. But I want flat shoes," I said.

He scoffed, clicking his tongue and shaking his head. I smiled wider at his playful mood. He was only half joking, and I knew it. "Alright fine. But only because it's our first show. I'll have you in boots before this tour is over, you just wait," he said in a teasing voice.

"I'm sure you will," I replied as I took the pants from him.

We had seven hours before we had to be at the venue for our sound check. We were given forty five minutes to play, and thirty minutes to sound check and talk to the lights technician. It was all so daunting. There were so many different aspects of a real show and different people that controlled everything. I had never been to a concert before, so being suddenly thrown into the whole experience when it was my own music was a bit much.

Garrett shot me a quick glance from the other side of the room. My shield had faded slightly while I was lost in my emotions, panicking over the show. Overwhelming feelings caused me to lose focus on things around me and pulled me out of my mind. It sounded backwards, but emotions are physically based and caused by triggers in the mind. They affect the body physically, not mentally. We learned that human emotions were driven by chemicals in the body. This was the basis for our assumptions that it was similar for vampires. Also, there was the fact that Jasper always had control over my emotions, but Edward couldn't read my thoughts.

When I was protected by my shield, my emotions were probably less decipherable, but still detectable. However, we assumed that if Garrett could sense my core, he might be able to do the same with my thoughts, but we would never know unless we met another mind reader.

"Penny for your thoughts, Little-Bit," Garrett asked from the bed. He had been strumming the acoustic guitar casually as my mind raced.

"Just thinking about the show tonight. I've never been to a real concert before. I know this isn't like _U2_ or anything that big, but still. A sound check, and light technician and contracts and waivers… it's all a bit fascinating… and frightening," I replied. I tugged at my lip ring nervously and sighed.

He nodded as he played quietly. "The sound check is just us testing the microphones, and levels for the instruments until they find a good mix. It's easy, so don't worry. Since the lighting will all be backlight, with very little spot lighting, that won't take very long either. Just focus on the mechanics of everything, and try not to let your mind wander," he said reassuringly.

I nodded and walked to the bathroom to change and get ready. I applied very little makeup, and left my hair down. After thirty minutes, I grew tired of staring at my reflection and huffed, leaving the bathroom. I crawled onto the bed and sat with my back up against Garrett's. He leaned back against me – silently telling me that he was there for me. I sighed, rested my head against his, and closed my eyes.

I spent the next few hours in quiet contemplation as I focused on my mind and shield. Most people would look at me and think I was meditating, or possibly sleeping. I found that it helped me to calm my emotions and ground myself. I went over the songs we were going to play in my head, trying to reinforce my strength and remind myself to not let my own words get to me. I silently repeated that I wouldn't let my emotions overtake me, I wouldn't screw up the show, and I wouldn't let Garrett down.

"We should get going, Little-Bit," Garrett said quietly from behind me. I felt his chest rumble as he spoke, pulling me out of my trance-like state.

I nodded and lifted myself from the bed. I glanced in the mirror one last time before I followed him out the door and down to the car. There was an odd mixture of scents in the hallway, but I put it out of my thoughts and didn't linger on it. Garrett seemed to tense up, but didn't say anything.

When we got to the venue, we talked to the manager briefly. He had us each sign a waiver and fill out some other paperwork that wouldn't pertain to us because no hospital or doctor would know how to tend to us in case of an emergency. He then showed us around the building, starting with our backstage rooms and ending with the stage. He introduced us to the light and sound crew before leaving us to take care of some business in his office.

We played _One-hundred Suns_ a few times for the sound check, and went through the chorus of _Bring Me To Life_ to check the keyboard and distortions. The light technician was a very quiet guy. He showed us the light setup he had programmed via our requests and we only had to make a few slight adjustments depending on where we preferred to stand. The entire thing was rather simple and went by quickly. We unloaded our equipment and set it off to the right of the stage. We would be playing second, after the opening local band. We decided to just wait in the backstage room until we were told we could set up.

After two hours of Garrett playing his acoustic, and me sitting behind him with my eyes closed, there was a knock at our door. The person informed us that we could start setting up in ten minutes. Apparently, the first band had finished already, and I had completely zoned out, not hearing a single song. I listened to the different voices throughout the building as I took steady breaths. A large crowd had already formed by the sounds of it, and there was muffled chatter down the hall from one of the other bands.

"Time to get going, Little-Bit," Garrett said after we heard the obvious sounds of the first band walking by our door. They were discussing the show, and laughing. The excitement flooding my emotions, instead of the panic I was expecting, made me smile.

I took his hand as he led me to the stage. The entire place was dark, but with my eyesight I could see that the crowd was bigger than I had first imagined from our room. There looked to be about three-hundred people crammed into the building, all talking excitedly. We quickly set up our equipment, taking advantage of the dark stage to stay hidden. Security offered us flashlights to help us set up, but we told them we could manage.

Once everything was in place, I walked quietly over to the keyboard and took a deep breath. Garrett picked up the guitar and swung it over his shoulder, plugging it in. He gave me a look to ask if I was ready.

I grinned at him and nodded. Tonight, we would play _our_ music, and tonight, I would prove I had the strength to move on.

* * *

**A/N: First off, THANK YOU to whomever nominated me for Best AU category in The Faithful Shipper Awards! I was COMPLETELY shocked! There are some amazing stories up for nominations, so go check it out! ****http:// thefaithfulshipperawards (dot) webs (dot) com/vote (dot) htm**

Second, if you take a look on my profile, there are links up to Bella's dress, her necklace, and other cool images! Have a look if you want visuals! **  
**

Third, I adore each and everyone one of my readers! **I'd LOVE it if I heard from each of you**, so I could thank you for following the story so far, and for your dedication and support. I respond to EVERY review, even if it's just a smiley face. So come out of hiding my silent readers, and let me smother you in love!

Alright, so guesses?! You know I love questions and guesses as to the next chapter or where things are going. So please, appease me and send me your guesses! Some of you have been so close that I almost spilled the beans.

**Song question of the chapter:** If you've ever been live to a concert, what's your favorite opening song? If you haven't, then what band would you LIKE to see live, and imagine them opening with? It's all about openings today.


	17. Ch 14: Perception pt1

**A/N: **Amazing thanks to my amazing four. Especially BlahBlahBlah and OCDMess… you two have been my amazing rocks these last few weeks. Your support and opinions keep me going.

_Last chapter_ I asked what concert you had been to, and what the band opened with. My answers: NIN – 99,999, Bjork – Intro (that faded into Earth Intruders), and Garbage – Queer with a long intro. All three were awesome, but seriously the amount of energy that Bjork's show had from right off the bat was amazing. I'm partial to NIN though, andGarbage. Garbage was one of the best shows I had ever been too, and I love (and close friends with) the band that opened for them, theSTART. Awesome shows.

**For all of the exact versions, go here!:  
http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred#grid/user/25308944FD3C95FD**

_Placebo - Running Up That Hill  
30 Seconds to Mars - The Kill  
Evanescence - Bring Me To Life  
Evanescence - Call Me When You're Sober  
The Killers - All These Things  
Evanescence - Going Under  
The Cure - Pictures Of You  
Evanescence - Lithium  
Evanescence - Like You  
A Fine Frenzy - Almost Lover_

_

* * *

  
_

**Chapter 14 part I  
BPOV  
Friday July 28****th****, 2006**

The whole room flooded with the sound of a digital heartbeat. A faint cheering from the crowd made me smile as I rocked on my heels to the beat. These people had never heard of us, and yet they still cheered. The stage was entirely black and I took a moment to enjoy the feeling of playing live for a few hundred people. _Enjoy the night, Bella. Don't screw this up._

I pressed down on the keys, smiling at the sound they made. This was my favorite song of ours, and an eerie but fitting way to start the show. This song had been written at the start of my new life, and so this was the first song to be played for the people listening to us for the very first time. It was symbolic, but only Garrett and I would understand it.

"_It doesn't _hurt_ me,"_ I sang quietly. The stage remained dark as I sang the rest of the line, letting the words linger on my lips. Garrett hummed into his own microphone, singing the back vocals to the song. I focused on the rhythm of the melody, and tried to ignore the words. I didn't want to let myself get distracted by the emotion of the song.

"_And if I only could, make a deal with God, and get him to swap our places. Be running up that road, be running up that hill, be running up that building,"_ I sang louder. Two lights swept the stage quickly, illuminating the interior and exposing our silhouettes to the crowd. A red light from the back of the stage flickered to the heartbeat rhythm, subtly lighting us from behind.

The stage finally lit up during the crescendo of the song, outlining our figures entirely but not bright enough to see our eyes or skin tone clearly. As the lights swept and danced across the stage, the crowd cheered loudly, causing me to grin. The feeling of acceptance was amazing as I stood on the stage, pouring my heart out.

We faded the song out, and they cheered louder, clapping and hollering. I glanced at Garrett and saw that he was watching me with the biggest smile I had seen on his face since we had accepted to join the tour. He nodded at the keyboard, and I knew he was telling me to keep going.

We moved right into the next song, _The Kill,_ without stopping. The stage remained lit, but all of the lighting was coming from the sides or the back, keeping us in a cloud of mystery. We played the first verse and I remembered the first time I had sung these words out loud. _Look at how much has changed. Look at how far you've come._ The song was more energetic than the first time we had played it, and I found it was liberating to be screaming on stage rather than crying on a window-sill.

"_Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me! All I wanted was you!"_ I screamed into the microphone.

"_I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself, fighting for a chance. I know now…"_ Garrett sang. He glanced at me as he leaned into the microphone.

"_This is who I really am!"_ we both screamed in unison. I sank to my knees near the center of the stage.

"_Ohh, ohh!"_ I sang over the guitar. Garrett mimicked me in a different pitch. I looked out at the crowd and saw them screaming along with us. They may not know the words, but they could sing the repetitive parts with ease. I jumped up to my feet and finished the song with a grin.

This was a whole new experience, and I wasn't shy at all. Maybe it was the dark stage, letting the audience accept us before they could see us, or maybe it was because of all of the smaller shows we'd played at coffee shops and the vampire club. Either way, I left the shy Bella behind and embraced the freedom and comfort that singing had brought me.

"Thank you," I said at the end of the song. The crowd was hollering and clapping once again. I waited for them to die down, soaking in the experience.

"We are Beautifully Sacred, and we are so excited to be here tonight. We want to say thank you to Virulent Disease for letting us tag along last minute, and thank all of you for coming to listen tonight." I spoke confidently, with my head up.

"This is Phoenix, and I'm Garrett. This next song is called _Bring Me To Life_. We hope that you guys enjoy it; we plan on it being our first single when our CD is released," Garrett said.

I nodded and headed to the keyboard near the center of the stage. I only had to play the first few notes before I could press the programmer to play the rest of the song. Occasionally I would have to fade a piece in or press another button, but for the most part, all of our songs were pre-programmed and mixed with live vocals and guitar.

The lights dimmed and I took a deep breath. This song was one of our most energetic, and always got a crowd going when we played it. I played the familiar melody on the keys and sang the opening line of the song. I took the microphone off the stand and pressed the button on the keyboard just before the chorus.

"_Call my name and save me from the dark!"_ I let my voice linger on the last note.

My new vocal range was incredible, and I enjoyed singing more than I thought I ever would. If someone would have told me last year that I would be comfortable singing on stage, I would have laughed in their face. I resolved myself to thinking that my past was my past. I couldn't live an eternity afraid and uncomfortable in my own skin. I enjoyed playing with Garrett and I was quickly learning that I really enjoyed playing in front of an audience who was enjoying the music.

"_Frozen inside, without your touch, without your love, darling. Only you are the life among the dead!"_ I held the note until my lungs were out of air. The crowd screamed and cheered as Garrett began his vocal piece. The crowd was jumping around to the beat and seemed to be really into the music.

I walked across the stage to Garrett as I sang my lines between his. He turned to the side, putting his back to me, and I leaned back towards him, resting my head against his spine. I enjoyed the comfort of his touch during a lot of our songs. He helped to keep me connected to who I was and stay grounded.

I slid down his back, balancing on my toes, as I screamed the lyrics of the chorus and closed my eyes. As we were finishing the song, I stretched back up, opening my eyes as the crowd began to cheer. I looked over my shoulder at Garrett, smiling like a little girl in a puppy store. I tried to show him my happiness silently before I walked back to the keyboard.

"Thank you," I said over the roars of the audience, still smiling to myself. "This next song was the last one we wrote, so it's still a bit new to us. For any of you out there that have ever felt rejected, or made a fool of, this song is for you. This is called _Call Me When You're Sober._"

I wrote these lyrics last month when I was going over the events of Edward leaving in my head for the millionth time. It finally clicked that I should be callous, spiteful, or livid; but not depressed. He had told me he loved me and played me like a fiddle. _Poor, emotional, naïve Bella. _I was a passing fad in his life; a meaningless distraction in his existence. I felt used.

I used to imagine him returning to me a million different ways. The last time I let myself imagine his return, I wrote this song. I pictured him crawling back to me, heartbroken and sobbing that he'd never meant what he said. It was so easy to feel anger towards an imaginary situation, so I took advantage of it. I didn't let myself linger on the thought of how I would honestly react if I ever did see him again, however. The reality of it ever happening, while possible, wasn't very likely.

I pressed the keys and let my voice carry throughout the room. _"Don't cry to me. If you loved me, you would be here with me. You want me, come find me. Make up your mind."_ I lingered on the last word. I took a deep breath just as Garrett began the heavy guitar melody. He enjoyed playing this song a lot. He said it pleased him that I was finally thinking clearly about Edward Cullen. I think he just secretly enjoyed playing such a heavy guitar song.

I sang from the keyboard as I played and when the song ended, I chuckled softly into the microphone. The crowd had gotten louder after each song and I wondered how many people would be asking us about our CD.

"Alright, this next one is an old one. Garrett actually wrote it before we ever met, and I'll just be accompanying him. It's called _All These Things_."

"_When there's nowhere else to run, is there room for one more son? One more son. If you can't hold on… If you can't hold on, hold on," _Garrett spoke softly into the microphone. He strummed the guitar softly letting a single note echo throughout the building. The entire crowd had grown eerily quiet. I began playing on the keyboard as Garrett continued the melody on the guitar and the crowd cheered.

I hadn't learned very much about Garrett's past, but he did tell me about the meanings behind his songs. He told me about his time with the Volturi, but didn't go into the specifics of how he came to work with them, or what he did. He said he was looking for a reason or purpose for his existence. He had struggled with taking human life for a few years, and when he was finally able to leave the Volturi, he wrote this song. He felt the path he had been on was that of a soldier, constantly fighting in wars and never knowing which side truly deserved to win, or was right.

Just before his freedom was granted, he'd discovered he wanted to see the world, and experience all of the different things life had to offer a human in a lifetime. Every sixty years he would lead a different life and enjoy the frivolity of the experience. He learned to enjoy what was given to him and to never forget the things he had done and witnessed. He never went into detail as to what those things were, but I always got the feeling that they were pretty dark and gruesome.

I pulled my focus back to the song and realized we were close to the bridge. I smiled, glanced at Garrett, and nodded when he met my gaze.

We slowed the song down in tempo until it faded out with just a light strum of his guitar playing.

I leaned into the microphone and began to clap my hands above my head.

"_I've got soul, but I'm not a soldier…"_ Garrett sang out.

"Sing with us!" I said during his pause, still clapping above my head.

Garrett repeated the line and the audience sang with him and clapped along.

I leaned into the microphone and joined in as well. The sound of the audience singing along with us was amazing. The clapping echoed throughout the room while the chanting grew louder and the music tempo picked up.

The audience didn't know when they were supposed to stop repeating the line, so when Garrett and I held the word "soldier" and began to play faster the crowd laughed at messing up the line and began to cheer instead. I chuckled softly and smiled as I tapped my foot to the tempo. When the song broke into the full melody once again, I rocked my head back and forth to the beat, enjoying the energy coursing through me. I swayed back and forth as I continued to play the keyboard until the song finished.

"Thank you!" Garrett said with a giant grin. "You guys were great, just don't take our jobs!"

The audience laughed and cheered at his comment. I situated the microphone on the stand at the keyboard before walking to the center of the stage. I removed the microphone and turned away from the audience. The stage went black and I took a deep breath.

"_Now I will tell you what I've done for you. Fifty-thousand tears I've cried,"_ I sang through a deeper voice than our other songs. This was the turning point in the show that marked the harder lyrics for me to perform. I wanted low lights and a strong song to transition into the last half of our set.

Garrett played a lush, heavy guitar through a distortion pedal as I sang. _"Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you. And you still won't hear me…"_ I took a deep breath, gasping into the microphone as I stepped on a pedal to distort my voice. _"Going under!"_ The last word echoed through the distortion as a red hue came up from behind us and spot lights swept across the stage quickly. I tapped the pedal again to turn it off and walked to the keyboard, my back to the audience.

I clicked off the microphone in my hand and set it beside the keyboard as I leaned into the one on the stand. I played the notes on the keyboard and tried to ignore the pain rising in my chest. This song was my reminder to not let myself sink into a constant state of despair. I pushed away the memories and pain that threatened to overwhelm me and screamed out the lyrics with spite and determination.

I fought during the entire song to hold onto my shield and not let my emotions pull me away from my concentration. I focused on holding notes longer than ever, and hitting the same pitch every time I repeated the chorus. I ignored Garrett and the audience entirely. It wasn't until the song was over and I took a deep breath, that I noticed everyone was staring. I took another moment to swallow the venom in my mouth before speaking to the crowd.

"These last four songs are really personal for me, so I hope you guys enjoy them. You also get to witness my atrocious guitar skills." I smiled out at the audience as they laughed.

Garrett brought me the acoustic guitar and set a stool in the center of the stage. I returned the microphone to the stand and switched it back on. Garrett brought another stool out and moved his own microphone stand to rest in front of it. He nodded at me with a soft smile. He knew this was the point of the show he had to watch me closely. From here on, I could easily lose control of my emotions, and breakdown. While I probably wouldn't hurt anyone, it would definitely make a spectacle of us, and possibly give Maurice or the venue some grief.

I took a deep breath, focused on my shield, and pressed a button on the keyboard. A soft, wind-chime noise rang throughout the room as I walked back to take a seat on the stool. Garrett played the lead guitar and I played the rhythm.

I closed my eyes and focused on keeping myself grounded as I played. I let the feeling of the strings vibrating against my fingers lull my nerves. I swayed back and forth to the music and smiled softly to myself.

"_I've been looking so long at these pictures of you, that I almost believe that they're real."_

The acoustic sound of the song seemed to calm the audience and they all grew quiet. I opened my eyes and saw them watching our silhouettes closely as they swayed to the music with us. I wasn't as fond of the guitar as I was the piano, but this song fit the soft melody of strings better, and served as a calming song for me. I tried to stay focused on my playing, not wanting to screw up the song, but when I reached the middle, the lyrics struck me harder than before.

"_Remembering you, falling into my arms, crying for the death of your heart. You were stone-white, so delicate, so lost in the cold. You were always so lost in the dark…"_ I choked back a sob as Edward's face flashed in my mind. Garrett shot me a quick glance, causing me to notice that my shield had faded slightly. I took a deep breath and focused on solidifying it once again.

I was puzzled for a moment when a distinct feeling of calm washing over me. I didn't understand where it was coming from, but when I felt my shield settle at its normal strength, it disappeared. _Interesting,_ I thought.

We finished the song with no more mishaps, and I found myself looking up, thanking the ceiling. Garrett kept a close eye on me as I returned to the keyboard for the next song. He knew these last three songs were tough, and they would only get continually harder.

"Alright, these will be our last three songs of the night. I just wanted to take the time now to say thank you to everyone for coming out here tonight. You guys have been amazing. Also, thank you to Virulent Disease for letting us tag along. These last few songs are about the pain of losing something you thought you would always have. Sometimes life doesn't go the way we planned and we are left to pick up the pieces. Never take love for granted…" I swallowed and took a shallow breath. "We are Beautifully Sacred and thanks again," I said in a somber tone.

The lights dimmed once more. Two soft spotlights came on over the keyboard and Garrett's spot of the stage. I took another deep breath and pressed down on the keys.

"_Lithium… don't want to lock me up inside. Lithium… don't want to forget how it feels, without lithium… I want to stay in love with my sorrow. Oh… but God, I want to let it go."_ I took another deep breath as the sound from Garrett's guitar rang throughout the room loudly. The music felt like it was coming alive, taking on a life of its own. I closed my eyes and played the melody on the keyboard by heart as I sang.

I hit the higher notes, focusing on the mechanics of playing and singing. I fought back sobs as I remembered writing the song with Garrett in the Cullens' house. Music was an outlet for my emotions after Edward left, but so was cutting. I wanted to understand what had driven him away from me. I know looking back at my actions that they made little to no sense and were incredibly foolish and irresponsible, but somehow, I rationalized it back then; I had to. I'd felt so alone, and I had been completely broken.

When I reached the last verse, I felt myself slip. I couldn't find the energy to hide in my mind, behind my shield during the middle of the song.

"_And in the end I guess I had to fall. Always find my place among the ashes. I can't hold on to me, wonder what's wrong with me?"_ I sang loudly. I felt my chest ache as the memories of cutting while staring out my window flooded my mind. I took a shaky breath before singing the last chorus, trying to hold onto my shield and not let it fade any further.

As the song finished, Garrett watched me closely. I could feel his eyes on me as I calmed myself with deep breaths. I forced the strong emotions away, and strengthened my shield around myself. I checked for the connection to Garrett, ensuring he was protected as well. _It's only harder from here, _I told myself. _Like You_ was next, and I was finally beginning to doubt my resolve to make it through this set.

The crowd cheered as the next song began. Garrett played a haunting rhythm on the guitar that was quick, but soft. The entire song felt like it was laced with sadness and loss. I tried to smile and pay attention to the sound of our music being filtered through the large amplifiers around the stage, but a smile just wouldn't come.

I sang the somber song, holding onto my focus for as long as I could. When I reached the bridge, however, I lost all sense of control.

"_I'm coming for you… you're not alone. No matter what they told you …"_ I whispered quietly and took a deep breath. I shook slightly and screamed out the next line. _"You're not alone! I'll be right beside you forevermore!"_ I felt a wave of pain crash against my chest. It felt familiar, but also vaguely different. It didn't feel like it was entirely _my_ pain. I gasped as I tried to pull myself back together for the end of the song, but my shield was nearly entirely faded and I couldn't ignore the burning ache in my chest where my heart was.

I managed to glance at Garrett with pleading eyes, but he looked like he was feeling a similar pain, and had a confused expression mixed with agony. I took gasping breaths as we finished the song and the lights went dark.

Garrett didn't play the last song with me, but before we'd even started the show, he'd insisted that he stay nearby as I played. He knew the last song was the most difficult for me, and argued with me about even performing it in the first place.

I hesitated, contemplating finishing the show with the song or not, but as I managed to strengthen my shield through focused breaths, I felt better about continuing. I doubted I would make it through the entire song with my shield fully intact, but if I could just make it through the _song_, then I would feel victorious.

The crowd grew anxious and whispered as they waited for me to start the last song.

"You don't have to play it, Little-Bit. Let's just play _One-hundred Suns_ and call it a night; you've done amazing. I won't think any less of you," Garrett whispered.

I shook my head and took one last deep breath. "I can do this," I whispered so quietly I wasn't sure if Garrett heard me. He took a few steps back so he wouldn't be in the spotlight when it came on.

With a slight hesitation, I pressed down on the keys. I repeated the notes and a quiet cheering and applause came from the crowd.

"_Your... fingertips across my skin… the palm trees swaying in the wind…"_ I sang slowly and quietly. _"Images…"_ I closed my eyes and Edward's smile filled my mind.

"_You sang me Spanish lullabies… the sweetest sadness in your eyes, clever trick."_ His fingers danced across the piano in my mind and I smiled sadly.

"_Well I never want to see you unhappy. I thought you'd want the same for me…"_ I took in a deep breath and opened my eyes. _"Goodbye my almost lover. Goodbye my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you; can't you just let me be?"_

I finished the chorus, refusing to let myself feel the pain again. I played a bit faster for the second verse, pushing past the words that reminded me of when he had left me with a somber kiss goodbye and never looked back. He wasn't mine to miss, but my heart still left with him that day.

I began trembling as I felt anguish rising up in my chest. I screamed out the bridge with so much pain I knew my shield had slipped. I could feel Garrett tugging at my core to stop singing, but I refused to let him sway me. I could feel him force me harder and harder with every word, and I continued to fight against him; my emotions pushing the words out, and my fingers trembling as they danced over the keys.

"_So you're gone and I'm haunted, and I bet you are just fine… did I make it that easy to walk right in and out… of my life…"_ I said the words through my sobs. I pressed down on the keys, playing the chorus but I didn't sing the words. A foreign feeling of pain burned through me stronger than earlier as I cried silently at the keyboard under the spotlight. The memories of losing everyone I cared about raced through my mind. I saw my endless tears, and terrifying dreams that woke me up, screaming in the middle of the night. My memories flashed by so quickly, it reminded me of when I was changed.

I pressed the keys down strongly as I played through the chorus once more, this time actually singing the words. My voice was laced with sadness and pain as I whispered the words.

"_I should've known you'd bring me heartache… almost lovers always do…"_ My words were barely audible, let alone understandable through my sobs.

I felt wetness roll down my cheeks as I played the last note. The spotlight faded out, leaving me in complete darkness. Garrett's arms were wrapped around me tightly as he pulled me against his chest, cradling me in his arms and carrying me off stage in the blink of an eye. I was panicking, and I couldn't catch my breath as he flew down the hallway.

We passed a figure in the hallway that gasped, and the panicked feeling turned into shock and concern. I sobbed louder with my face buried into Garrett's chest. The door clicked behind us as he lowered us onto the ground.

He lifted my chin with his finger, pleading with me to look at him. I was so worried he was upset with me for letting him down; I shook my head and refused to grant him his request.

"Please, Little-Bit, just look at me," he pleaded.

Slowly, I pulled my face away from his shoulder and looked up at him through my lashes. He pulled himself away from me to get a good look. His hand reached up to my face and he pressed his thumb under my eye. He wiped at the skin and the wetness I had felt earlier smeared, causing him to gasp.

"You're crying…" he mumbled, surprised and worried at the same time.

My eyes grew wide and my hand flew to my other cheek. I wiped my fingertips just below my eye and gasped as my tears brushed against my skin.

"What's wrong with me?" I said, panicked.

"Nothing!" he said quickly. "Nothing is wrong with you… just… are you okay? Are you physically hurt anywhere?" He began shifting my weight on his knees and looking for any sign of injury. His actions made little sense, but I knew he was just worried and didn't know what else to do.

"No, I'm… well, I'm not fine… but I'm not physically hurt." I shook my head and took a shaky breath before pressing my face into his shoulder again. "I'm so sorry Garrett. I shouldn't have played it… I'm so sorry… I let you down…" I wrapped my arms around his neck tightly, not wanting to let him push me away when he realized how upset he should be with me.

Instead of pushing me away, he wrapped his arms around me tighter. He kissed the top of my head and sighed deeply. "I'm not upset with you, Little-Bit. I'm just worried about you. We don't have to stay. We can leave if you want. We don't have to play the rest of the shows."

There was a quick knock at the door that startled me. The person jiggled the handle when they tried to open it and discovered it was locked. A high pitched voice called out through the door.

"Excuse me, but your gear is still on stage. You need to clear the stage for the headlining band please," the voice said.

"Alright, one second please!" Garrett called out in a growl. He pulled away from me and lifted my chin. "Hey," he said softly.

I looked up at him sadly and nodded. "It's okay. I'll wait here and work on bringing my shield back to full strength, if that's okay?"

He nodded and smiled down at me. He kissed the top of my head again and slid me off of his lap. The door clicked behind him and I took a deep breath. The events of the evening finally sank in as I tried to smile.

"I sang live. I sang my songs live and in front of a larger crowd than ever before," I said out loud to myself. Somehow this made it all seem more real. I rubbed my eyes and gasped at the wetness that still lingered on my eyelashes. "And I cried…" I said, realizing that once again I had cried tears of sorrow over Edward Cullen.

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**A/N:** Alright, some announcements, so please read?

Got questions about the fic or for me in general? Want to share ideas or guesses with me, but don't want to leave it as a review? I have formspring, so feel free to poke me there about anything! Seriously, I'm an open book, and I love questions.

**http://www (dot) formspring (dot) me/Ailisraevyn**

The faithful shippers voting for round 2 is going on right now (ends Saturday, April 17th) check it out!

**http://thefaithfulshipperawards (dot) webs (dot) com/vote (dot) htm**  
Whomever the awesome person was that nominated Beautifully Sacred for Best AU, you seriously are **awesome**. I'm _still_ blushing; thank you!

Check out my profile for the links to Bella's necklace, images, side notes, and my other story I've started. It's an AH, inspired by books and movie quotes, and features MemorylossWard.

All of the chapters for Beautifully Sacred that involve music have been organized by chapter, and in order of appearance on my youtube station. Check it out. (There is even the songs up for the NEXT 5 chapters, if you feel like getting a sneak peak at what is to come!)

**http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred**

I've also had some requests about my other music interests. You can find my music station on last fm:

http://www (dot) last (dot) fm/user/Ailisraevyn

**Song question for the chapter:** Ever been to a live show or seen a show on TV/DVD where the performer does something outrageous? What song, and what show and why did you chose that one to mention?


	18. Ch 14: Perception pt2

**A/N: **Amazing thanks to my fantastic four.

Two updates in one week?! Holy fanfic, Batman! That's insane! Well, it gets better. MLB is updating tomorrow too! Be very appeased, my sweets! All for you.

_Last chapter_ I asked what song performed live had something outrageous happen. My epic wall of text answer: I saw Garbage perform at the Hard Rock Café in Las Vegas a few years ago. Shirley was so drunk by the end of the show, she pulled an audience member up on stage who just found out she had cancer, shaved her head for her to donate to locks of love, and then played her requested song .  
She then started taking requests from the audience in the front row. When they started requesting obscure, unpopular songs, she asked a security guard to get her the big binders that were in their backstage room. They brought out her LYRIC BOOKS and sang from them.  
She was so drunk, she got lost in her songs, and forgot how some of them went. It was an AMAZING show, and absolutely hilarious. She also sang/danced with one of my friends, Aimee Echo, from the opening band theSTART during "Only Happy When It Rains", which was awesome.

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You can hear all of the specific songs chosen for this chapter here:  
_http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred#grid/user/B46004B78B8E557D_

_Papa Roach - Take Me  
Depeche Mode - A Pain That I'm Used To  
Depeche Mode - Halo  
Linkin Park - What I've Done  
30 Seconds to Mars - Was It A Dream  
Hinder - Better Than Me  
Our Lady Peace - 4AM  
Hoobastank - The Reason  
Superpitcher - Fever  
Stacie Orrico - Dear Friend  
Linkin Park - Shadow Of The Day  
Boyce Avenue - Apologize_

_

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_

**Chapter 14 part II.  
EPOV  
Friday July 28****th****, 2006**

The first time we were all filled with excruciating pain was during Beautifully Sacred's second-to-last song. I had thought that maybe Jane from the Volturi had somehow found us and I began to panic. When we all realized it was Jasper, we were shocked. He had said that he couldn't control it; the emotions coming from the stage were so strong and he didn't have any warning to prepare for it. It had taken him decades of practice to learn to refrain from projecting the emotions he felt onto others, so when he said he couldn't control it, I knew something was wrong. I had never felt such an overwhelming pain before. Well, I had, but it was my own emotional pain, not someone else's.

Later, during the set, I caught glimpses of fresh wounds and bleeding in someone's mind, but Jasper had still been heavily affecting us all with painful emotions, so I couldn't really focus on them.

The last time we were all overwhelmed with pain during Beautifully Sacred's set, we were brought to our knees. I couldn't even search the minds around me because the feeling Jasper was releasing was so intense. Alice was next to Jasper, shaking him and trying to get him to stop as he shook on the floor, sobbing. The extreme pain rolling off of him seemed to fade when the music from the stage stopped, and I cautiously got to my feet. Before I could even open my mouth to speak, Jasper was at the door.

"I'm fine, stay here," he said quickly, closing the door behind him.

I watched through his mind as a tall, reddish-blond, male vampire carried a small female in his arms to their room at the end of the hall. She had long, red-brown hair and was shaking. The male looked absolutely terrified.

'_Oh my God… she looks completely broken,_' Jasper thought, gasping in the hallway. He watched them as they passed and entered their room at the opposite end of the hall.

We were all overcome with shock and worry as he came back inside the room. I tried to listen to the voices down the hall, but I couldn't make out any words. The rooms were rather padded and I couldn't read either of their minds.

"Jasper, what happened?" Alice asked as she rushed to his side, wrapping her arms around him.

"That girl, the singer, she… she's been overcome by the strongest grief and sorrow I have ever felt. Sometimes she was easy to feel and then at other times it felt like she was numb; I guess she finally just lost it. I could feel vague impressions of happiness, excitement, or confidence some of the time. Other times I could sense sadness, longing, or regret. A few times she even went through anger and vindication, but they were short lived. Her emotions always felt filtered, though. I've never felt emotions so muted before. Then later in the set, I was overcome with incredible sadness and pain, but I was able to keep it from manipulating anyone else. I even sent her a wave of calm a few times. It seemed to help, but…" He shook his head as he rubbed the back of his neck.

I sighed and looked down at the ground_. I guess now is as good a time as any to tell them about the issues I've experienced with this band before._ "There is something off about her. I talked with Carlisle about it before and—"

"Wait, you talked to Carlisle about her and didn't tell us? This could be part of my visions, Edward! What happened?" Alice asked, interrupting me.

"The day Maurice asked us to play last minute for him, Beautifully Sacred had played thirty minutes prior. They had already left by the time we got there, but I could hear in everyone's thoughts that they were good. However, it was weird because while I could hear their thoughts clearly, I couldn't see the _images_ clearly. Everything was blurry like it was being processed through a filter. The male came in clearer, but I still couldn't see any defining features. I asked Maurice about them and he said she was a newborn, and that they shared our diet. When he thought about their performance, everything became blurry again," I explained.

"Wait, so you knew they shared our diet when they were added to the tour, and you still didn't want to have any contact with them? Why, Edward?" Jasper asked.

"Because when I discussed the issue with Carlisle and he had never heard of such a thing, he called Eleazar who also had never come across a talent like that. They know of talents that can block other talents with their presence, but nothing that ever affected a person after they had left. It really worries me."

"That would fit my visions then. It's like the girl has a filter that blocks out anything about her," Alice said.

"Except for her emotions; I still get vague impressions of those, though sometimes they knock me on my ass. I think she's a shield. A mental shield is really rare, but it could fit," Jasper said.

"It sounds a lot like…" Alice started, but stopped when my head snapped up to look at her.

"She's dead, Alice. Mental shields have existed before, and this isn't just blocking out thoughts, you can't read anything around her either, but you could with Bella," I argued.

I small part of me wished that it was Bella, but the other part of me would never wish this life on her. I tried to piece everything together, taking it all in from different angles. First there was Bella's scent. I would never forget the smell of her blood, or her hair. The scents in the hallway were familiar, but also different. Bella always smelled of strawberries and freesias, but lately I'd smelled a cedar and freesia undertone around Beautifully Sacred. I knew that vampires could have similar scents, but you would have to be an excellent tracker in order to distinguish certain scents from others.

Then there was the odd scent in Bella's room when she died. It smelled heavily of musk, and smoke, and it was nothing I had smelled before. Also, Bella could only block me out. Alice saw her future on multiple occasions, and Jasper never had a problem sensing or manipulating her emotions. This band eluded Alice and I, as well as made things difficult for Jasper. Perhaps it was a combination of both of their gifts. Maybe one was a mental shield, and the other one filtered talents around them. We had never been around either of them separately, so it was entirely possible. Or, perhaps one of them had the ability to absorb, or nullify talents used on them, and just worked better on certain gifts.

"Maybe they both have a talent that when combined, is making things difficult for all three of us. I can't think of anything else that really fits. Why do you think you can't see our future tonight though? That's what is bothering me the most," I said.

"Perhaps something they do will interfere with our show. Our last three songs get kind of hazy, but it's the last song that goes entirely black and foggy," she explained.

"Five minutes!" a voice called from the door.

"Well, let's just play a good show and keep our eyes open," Jasper said.

We all nodded and exited the room. When we got to the stage, the male from Beautifully Sacred was still unloading his gear. He seemed really out of it. Jasper glanced at me, concerned, silently confirming my suspicions. I knew we had arranged to not have contact with the other band, but I thought it would be polite to show our concern for his band member.

"Hey man, you played a great show. Is your band mate alright? We were concerned," Jasper said quietly as we stepped onto the stage.

The male looked up quickly with panic in his eyes and swallowed, nodding. "Yeah, she'll be okay. Thanks for asking. I'm sorry our gear is still up here; I was concerned about getting her to our room, and I completely forgot about clearing the stage. I'll just be a moment." He looked at each of us quickly, taking in a deep breath. He seemed extremely cautious, but I couldn't hear his thoughts to understand why.

"It's fine. We can help, if you would like?" I offered.

He looked me in the eyes for a long moment before nodding. "Sure, thanks."

"No problem. The name is E. This is A, and J," I said, waving my hand towards Alice and Jasper.

"No full names, just initials huh? I understand. I'm Garrett," he said as he shook my hand. He eyed me curiously, taking steady breaths. He turned and shook Jasper's hand as well, then bowed his head toward Alice as she waved. "The other half of the band is Phoenix. She isn't very social… she has been through a lot this past year." He watched me closely as he said the last sentence.

Something was entirely off about him. I took in a steady breath and he smelled familiar. It was similar to the scent back in the hallway, but slightly different, woodsier.

"We understand. We're just glad to have you on tour with us," Jasper said as carried the keyboard off the stage.

"Yeah, it's nice to not have to put up a façade for once," Alice said as she wrapped the cables quicker than humanly possible with a smirk.

Garrett chuckled and nodded. I walked to the side where we had put our small piano and lifted it with Jasper to the center of the stage. It was dark enough that we didn't have to worry about suspicious looks from the audience or security. Garrett stopped and stared at us as we placed the piano in the center of the stage.

"You guys use a piano?" he asked slowly, not looking away from the ivory keys.

I turned to study his expression and attempt to read his thoughts, but everything was still fuzzy. This filter thing was getting frustrating; he was harder to read than Charlie. "Yeah, I play piano and occasionally bass. A plays the box-drum and mixer, and J is on the guitar. We process a lot of our songs, like you, but we prefer the sound of the piano."

"B-Phoenix does too. We would be using a piano if we had room to store it, and a way to transport it," Garrett said.

"She could use ours," I said. Alice glanced at me with a giant grin before turning back to hook up the mixer.

"Oh, I… well… thank you. I'll let her know. I'm sure that will make her very happy. She hasn't gotten to play a piano since she had to leave home," he said, faintly smiling.

I nodded and continued to set up our gear. I wondered what he meant about her having to leave home. I didn't want to push their privacy, so I saved the question for another day. Maybe we wouldn't need to be distant from Garrett and Phoenix after all. I turned to examine what was left to set up as Garrett was hooking up cords and taping down cables.

"You don't have to stay and help us set up," I said.

"It's okay. I made you guys late getting started, it's the least I can do," he said, shrugging.

"Thank you." I turned to look for Jasper and Alice. "You guys ready?"

Jasper was taping the set-list to the amplifier at the front of the stage. Garrett watched him with a confused expression. I chuckled and nodded towards Jasper. "He's taping down our set-list. After playing with… normal bands for so long, we picked up habits that help us appear more like your average band. We've also found that fans ask for them at the end of a show on occasion."

Garrett nodded and smiled. "I see. That makes sense, I guess. We'll have to pay more attention to other performances so we don't stand out. Well, have a great show. I'll be back in my room with Phoenix."

We each waved goodbye and exchanged glances once Garrett was gone.

'_Did you get anything from him? He seemed just as closed off as the girl, but much more controlled,'_ Jasper said silently.

I shook my head and nodded towards the crowd. They were cheering and growing impatient. We were seven minutes late, and it could cost us a song if we weren't careful. "Ready?" I asked Jasper and Alice in a low whisper. They both nodded and grinned.

I took a deep breath and walked to the center of the stage. I put my hands around the microphone stand and leaned forward as Jasper played the opening cords to _Take Me_. I focused on my performance façade and tried not to let my thoughts break my concentration.

"_Take me… and let me in. Don't break me… and shut me out,"_ I sang. The lights flashed and swept across the stage dramatically. This song always got the crowd jumping, and it was a great way to open the show. I repeated the line one more time as the full song exploded with heavy chords and loud drum beats.

The crowd was screaming the lyrics back at me as they jumped to the beat. It really hit me how well we had done for ourselves in that instant. While the crowd was enthusiastic and cheered for the first two bands, they were here to see us and they made sure that we knew it.

"_This is just a story of a broken soul!"_ I sang with a grin across my lips as the whole room seemed to move to the beat. I grabbed the microphone off the stand and ran to the edge of the stage for the chorus. The lights swept across the stage again before flashing behind us in various shades of green and blue.

"_As days go by, my heart grows cold. I can't seem to let this all pass me by! So take me!"_ I held the microphone out to the audience as they screamed the last two words back at me. I grinned wider and pulled the microphone back. _"And let me in! Don't break me,"_ I screamed as Jasper and the crowd sang the last three words back at me.

I walked backwards quickly until I was even with Jasper. I leaned down into a crouch as I sang the next verse. I put the meaning behind the lyrics out of my mind and just tried to enjoy the energy radiating in the room. I ran across the stage at the end of the chorus and jumped up on top of the amplifier at the edge of the stage. I was ten feet away from the audience, leaning over the guard rail. The security guard panicked, afraid that I might fall, but I balanced on the edge as the song quieted down.

"Sing with me." I held the microphone out to the audience as I walked along the thin guard rail at the edge of the stage.

"_Does anyone around me feel the same? Put your fists up and vent your pain!"_ I screamed at the crowd. Every mouth seemed to be open and screaming along with me. The energy was palpable and I grinned wider as the song grew louder. I jumped back onto the stage two feet away and ran to Jasper as he played the guitar lines with passion. We finished the last chorus, singing in unison with the crowd. Alice let the ending fade out as I sang the last few words over the cheering of the audience.

"Thank you! We are Virulent Disease, and you guys are awesome!" I said to the audience with a grin. "I want to just take a moment and say thank you to _Day After _and _Beautifully Sacred _for playing with us tonight."

"Alright, I think you all know this next one, so show us what you're made of!" Jasper said quickly, causing the crowd to scream louder.

I loved the feeling of being on stage. The confidence and energy it gave me made me feel alive again. I had written all of these songs for Bella, and I sang them at each show with the same passion and love I wished I could have shown her.

The familiar electric noise flooded the room as the crowd screamed in recognition. The lights had dimmed to a pulsating green hue in the back of the stage. As the electric noise faded out, spotlights swept across the stage and up towards the ceiling. The familiar beat had me swaying to the rhythm as I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath.

I sang the first line of _A Pain That I'm Used To_ and was overwhelmed by the sound of the entire room singing it along with me. By the chorus, the crowd was singing the words almost louder than we were and it brought a grin to my face. I sang one line and let them finish the rest. At the end of the chorus, they all screamed as the electronic sound reverberated throughout the room.

I took a moment to gather my thoughts before the next verse. It always affected me the strongest, and how I dealt with it would change the entire feeling of the song. I swallowed the venom in my mouth and leaned into the microphone above the keyboard.

"_I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real. No mistaking the faking, I care…" _I sang as I focused on the audience. I pushed the feelings of regret and solitude away and sang the next line. It was hard for me to perform all the lyrics without breaking down, but I did it to remind myself of everything that had happened.

Phoenix crossed my mind briefly as I remembered Garrett saying she'd had a bad year. Their songs seemed hard on her as well and a lot of her lyrics seemed incredibly personal. Several of her words mimicked my own emotions of loss, solitude, and grief, and I found myself wondering throughout their show what her story was.

We finished the song and played _Halo_ directly afterwards without stopping. It was one of our less popular songs, and most of the audience just swayed to the music and watched the performance. Jasper and I shared the vocals and we even had the audience sing us one of the last few repeats of the chorus. The song meant a lot to me because Jasper had written a lot of the lyrics for me.

Alice was adjusting sliders and pressing buttons with a huge grin on her face. She was always so focused when playing our more technical songs. She insisted it was great to not have to be a part of the spotlight, but more of the core of a song. She truly did make up seventy-five percent of the music, leaving just the guitar and occasional piano melodies for Jasper and I. He and I found it surprising that she didn't want to be the main attraction of the band. I never particularly sought it, but being the lead seemed to come naturally for me. Most of the lyrics were mine, and I preferred to perform them how I envisioned them being sung. While the songs were difficult to get through, I felt comfortable for once in my existence being in the spotlight.

We finished _Halo_ and I walked to the piano to take a seat. The crowd began cheering as I rolled my shoulders and looked over at Jasper and Alice. We had decided to change the sound of _What I've Done_ for the album, which made playing it live a bit more interesting. I played the piano intro to the song, leaning into the keys as my fingers made the melody flow through the room.

Alice rocked to the beat of the intro. Her mind was racing over the funeral months prior. I closed my eyes and tried to ignore her thoughts as Jasper strummed the guitar hard, signaling the shift into the song. The entire crowd began jumping up and down to the beat as the rest of the instruments joined the song.

"_In this farewell..."_ I whispered into the microphone.

My hands danced over the keys as I swayed on the bench, pressing into each note heavily. I had so many regrets; I wished I could change the events that had plagued me constantly. I lost myself in the song as I sang about my guilt and remorse. The crowd was jumping up and down in rhythm with the song, and screaming the words back at me. They sounded like they were pleading for forgiveness right along with me. Alice's mind continued to run through the past and how she could have done something differently.

"_For what I've done!"_ I growled, shooting a pointed look at my sister. She looked up and swallowed, nodding. She understood that her thoughts were getting to me, and poured more focus into the song, beating the rhythm on the box-drum harder. Jasper sang the backing vocals as the song came to an end.

"_Forgiving what I've done…"_ I sang, letting the words linger as the music faded.

The lights dimmed until the stage was pitch-black once again. The cheering of the crowd softened as a rumble of thunder came from the speakers.

I stood from the piano bench and walked to the center of the stage. Alice had begun the drum beat and I closed my eyes, swaying to the melody. I leaned into the microphone, tipping the stand backwards as I nodded to the guitar rhythm coming from Jasper. By the time the crowd realized it was _Was It A Dream, _I had already sung the first line. We had changed the style of the song for live performances to make it easier on Alice to play.

"_My intentions never change, what I want still says the same… and I know what I should do, it's time to set myself on fire."_ I grabbed the microphone from off of the stand and walked towards the edge of the stage. I crouched down and hung my head. _"Was it a dream? Was it a dream?" _I sang, choking back my sobs. I let the audience sing the next line as I took a shaky breath.

'_Come on, Edward. We're half way done,'_ Jasper thought.

I nodded and stood up, looking out at the crowd. I tried to focus on being on stage and playing, but my mind kept drifting to Bella.

"_Believe me when I say goodbye… forever is for good…"_ I wrapped my free arm around my torso, and dug my nails into my side. _Hold yourself together._

I could feel Jasper sending me waves of calm and contentment, and I held onto it.

We finished the song on a somber note as the thunder effect crashed through the room once more. There was a long pause before the cheering from the crowd began and the stage went dark once more.

I walked back toward Jasper as he held out the acoustic guitar for me. I took it and grabbed the stool from the side of the stage. Jasper placed another stool where he had previously been playing and nodded at me. I looked behind us to make sure Alice was ready, and she smiled sadly and nodded as well. Jasper and I took our seats on the stools and exchanged a glance.

'_Just focus on the rhythm and the chords.' _Jasper stared at me for a long moment before looking down at the guitar on his knee. He began the intro as I hung my head. I kept my eyes closed, even when I lifted my head to sing into the microphone.

"_I think you can do much better than me, after all the lies that I made you believe,"_ I sang quietly. The image of Bella the day I had left her haunted my memory every time we played this song. It came whether I could see the audience or not, but I found it easier to make it through the song if I kept my eyes closed. I played the slow guitar rhythm during the chorus as I pictured the accompanying images to the lyrics.

"_I really miss your hair in my face…" Holding her close as she slept; my nose buried in her hair, kissing the top of her head._

"_The way your innocence tastes…" Her sweet scent and taste during every kiss._

"_And I think you should know this… you deserve much better than me!" _I cried out the words as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. _Her silent sobs as I kissed her forehead and turned my back on her in the forest._

Jasper sang the bridge with me, sending me waves of calm as he continued to play beside me.

"_Wish I never would've said it's over and I can't pretend… I won't think about you when I'm older, because we never really had our closure. This can't be the end!" _We sang in unison. I began trembling as we repeated the chorus. I dreaded having the spotlight on us during this song because I couldn't curl up and let my emotions take over. Jasper and Alice refused to let us play this song in the dark because they knew I probably wouldn't continue with the show.

We took a few moments at the end of the song so I could regain my composure. Jasper moved the stools back to the side of the stage and I took the microphone stand in my hand.

"This next one I want you to sing for me," I said calmly to the audience.

The intro to _Four A.M_. began and the crowd cheered. I walked to the edge of the stage, hopped across the gap, and stood on the guard rail. I held the entire microphone stand over the audience. I sang the words out loud as they sang with me. I walked along the guard rail for the entire first verse and chorus.

The somber guitar and drum beat picked up in volume, signaling the last chorus. I pulled the microphone stand back as the instrumental solo finished, and took a deep breath.

"_And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong! If I don't make it, know that I loved you all along,"_ I sang loudly. I held the stand back out to the audience, encouraging them to continue singing with me. They sang the next line and I pulled it back. I took the microphone out of the cradle and tossed the stand back up to the stage. I crouched down on the guard rail and sang to the front row audience.

"_Just like sunny days that… we ignore because,"_ I held the microphone out to one of the girls in the front row as she finished the line for me along with the crowd pushing into her. I gave her a smile and nodded.

"_And I hope to God…"_ I whispered as the song ended, the crowd finishing the song.

I enjoyed letting the audience sing parts of the songs for me. It made it easier to remind myself of the façade I had to hold onto while on stage. It was like attending high school all over again; a constant game of blending in, and not bringing any unwanted suspicions to myself. We had watched other bands play many times, and even watched large concerts on television to be able to keep up the charade. It felt like I was living a completely different life when I walked out onto a stage, and I reminded myself every time that this was for Bella. For one hour, I allowed myself to think of her and to try to be happy doing what I knew she enjoyed watching me do.

I hopped back onto the stage and returned the microphone and stand to their original positions. I walked over to the piano and took a seat.

"You guys should all know this one," I said with a smile as I played the opening keys to _The_ _Reason_. The screams were the loudest they had been all night and I grinned at their enthusiasm. Jasper smirked and joined the intro with Alice. This was an emotional song, but we had changed the tempo and rhythm from the original to make it more upbeat.

Tonight had proven to be a bad night already, so I decided to let the audience sing some of the song with me. _"I'm not a perfect person,"_ I sang quietly. The entire room seemed to be vibrating as the crowd sang the lyrics with me. _"There's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you."_ I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. "Sing it."

The audience grew louder as they sang the chorus for me. I pictured Bella's smiling face in my mind as I reminded myself that my reason to continue existing and playing music was still her. It was always her, and would always be her. I sang the last line of the chorus with the audience. _"…and the reason is you."_

"_I'm sorry that I hurt you, it's something I must live with every day. And all the pain I put you through, I wish that I could take it all away."_ I played the second verse with all the strength and passion I could muster. Jasper watched me intently as I pushed through the hardest lines. My fingers crashed down on the keys as I chanted in my mind that this was for Bella.

When the song ended, I couldn't even be heard because the screams were so loud. I smiled softly at Jasper and Alice as we got ready for the next song. Alice pulled the box-drum closer to the front of the stage and set the piano microphone stand next to it. I looked out at the audience as I waited for them to quiet down. The lights were dimly cast on the stage, and every time I would smirk, they would scream. I sighed and tried to talk again, hoping they would grow quieter.

"Alright. Thank you. Alright!" I chuckled and looked to Jasper for some help. He laughed and shrugged. I knew he didn't like manipulating the audience, and I would never seriously ask him to unless it was absolutely necessary. After a minute or so, the crowd calmed down and I smiled, speaking into the microphone.

"Thank you. Alright this one is a cover we like to play to get everyone moving before the softer songs take over. Let's see everyone dancing and enjoying the night."

We played a rather seductive version of _Fever_, with Alice shaking the tambourines around the stage and singing towards the end. She enjoyed this part of the show because she got to come out from the background, but only for a few songs. This was the last of our upbeat songs. The remaining three we planned to play were our goodbye songs to Bella. The room was sufficiently dancing and swaying to the heavy beat of the cover as the song ended.

"What a lovely way to burn, indeed…" Jasper said from his spot on stage as he watched Alice shimmy towards the center of the stage. The crowd cheered and cat-called as Alice curtsied, smiling.

"Alright, these last three songs we have planned for you are really special to us. They are for our dear friend, sister, and love. A will be singing the first song, so everyone be extra kind to her. It isn't often she leaves her headphones and box-drum behind to take the microphone." The crowd screamed and called out Alice's initial, causing her to smile softly. Jasper was noting that she was already being overcome by the emotions of the song she was going to sing, and we hadn't even started yet.

"After that is our goodbye song, followed by a special apology." The crowd cheered louder as they deciphered what songs would be played in their minds. I grinned at their excitement as they all focused on the stage, waiting for Alice to begin.

"We don't often explain what our songs are about, but I felt that tonight was special. I wrote this song when someone very special to me felt alone in the world, with no one to be there for her. I thought of her like a sister, or my best friend, and I couldn't be there when she needed me most. I beg of each and every one of you to never take for granted those who are precious to you. You never know when they will be gone," Alice said calmly. She dropped her head and closed her eyes as the lights went out. Seconds later, a single spotlight lit up the stage where she was standing.

I began to play _Dear Friend_ as Alice hummed the melody quietly. She reached up and wrapped her fingers around the stand as she parted her lips and took in a shaky breath.

"_Dear friend, what's on your mind? You don't laugh the way you used to, but I've noticed how you cry."_ She gripped the stand tighter and turned her head to the side, keeping her eyes closed. She always went through her memories in her mind when she took the microphone. I don't think she could sing the song without thinking of Bella. During certain lines, she would smile softly and during others, she would tremble.

"_Dear friend, please don't feel like you're alone…"_ she sang softly. The images of Bella curled up in her bed as she cried lingered in her mind.

I fought back the urge to beg her to stop. I had put my family through so much pain; I realized that, but I felt like they often forgot how everything affected me. Sometimes I thought that maybe she thought of these images to hurt me, to show me what I had done to her and to Bella, but I knew Alice wasn't that cruel. Singing this song was just as painful for her as it was for me to listen to it.

The song came to a gentle close, and the crowd clapped and cheered. They were showing their support, not their excitement, and the sentiment didn't go unnoticed by any of us.

"Thank you," Alice said softly before fleeing the spotlight and wrapping her arms around Jasper's waist. He held her tightly and kissed the top of her head, calming her. Just as she was pulling away to prepare for the next song, she froze. A vision flashed through her mind so quickly I couldn't follow it. Alice gasped loudly and spun on her heel. She glanced at the left exit of the stage and stared, wide eyed. She began reciting Poe poetry in Spanish as she turned back towards the stage as if nothing had happened.

"Alice, what was it? What did you see?" Jasper asked so quietly I could barely hear him from the piano.

"Nothing, I'm not certain what it meant," she said quickly.

"Tell us what you saw, please, it could be important," I begged quietly.

"I don't know yet, just please... let's continue the song, and whatever you do, stay focused on the songs. Don't look at the audience or the sides of the stage. No matter what," she said. She sounded panicked and urgent. She looked back and forth between us, waiting for us to agree to her request. Jasper nodded first as I thought it over. I narrowed my eyes at her, thinking about it. Alice began to fidget and grow antsy as she waited for me to respond.

"Fine," I agreed reluctantly. She nodded quickly and turned back to the drum, taking a seat on top of it and bouncing her leg.

'_Something has her nervous, scared, and uncertain. I don't know if we should go through with this…'_ Jasper thought.

Alice scowled at us as we tried to decide if we should finish the show or not.

'_Let's just keep focused. I'll try to keep you as calm as I can, alright?'_ Jasper asked.

I nodded and took the microphone out of the stand at the center of the stage. The lights went out entirely as I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. "For you," I said as I opened my eyes and looked up at the ceiling.

Alice began the drum beat as Jasper pushed a button on the mixer. He took his position to the right of the center and started strumming the bass.

I sang the first two lines with my eyes locked on the ceiling. The lights behind us lit up into a faint orange. _"Sometimes solutions aren't so simple. Sometimes goodbye's the only way,_" I sang softly. I closed my eyes and lowered my head, watching the performance through the audience's eyes. There were no other lights in the entire room, so all the audience could see was our silhouettes.

The lights behind us shifted slowly from orange to pink, like a sunset, and grew brighter. Jasper was swaying back and forth as he played, while Alice had her eyes fixed to the left of the stage.

"_And the sun will set for you…"_ I sang louder and the audience echoed my words. _"And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in gray, and the sun will set for you."_ The lights shifted from pink to a dark purple-gray as I sang. I took a deep breath and continued into the next verse.

"_Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple. Sometimes goodbye's the only way…"_ I focused on the memory of Bella's face when I first met her in Biology. She looked so confused, and terrified. I nearly took her life that day. I pushed the thought from my mind and sang the chorus. The lights shifted from the purple-gray to a vivid magenta and lilac behind us during the verse, but shifted back into a gray as I sang the chorus. The lights alone set the mood for the song; it was like watching the sunset during her funeral all over again.

I sank to my knees and trembled as I repeated the chorus. When the song was finished, Jasper had to lift me to my feet because I wouldn't move.

'_Come on, one more to go. You can do this, Edward.'_

I nodded and sank onto the seat of the piano bench.

"This is our last one for the night. You guys have been great," Jasper said to the crowd.

I closed my eyes and leaned into the microphone. "This is for you, Bella."

My fingers pressed down on the keys as I leaned into each note. I swung my head back and forth loosely as I let the music flow straight through me.

"_I'm holding on your rope, got me ten feet off the ground. I'm hearing what you say but I just can't make a sound. You tell me that you need me, and then you go and cut me down, but wait! You tell me that you're sorry, didn't think I'd turn around and say…"_ I paused briefly as I took in a deep breath. I pressed down on the next note as Alice joined me on her box-drum. A solo spotlight lit up the piano and everyone cheered. _"It's too late to apologize, it's too late. I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late."_

I sat up straighter as my fingers glided over the ivory. Oh, how I wished I could apologize to her for all the pain I had caused. How I wished I could hold her close and breathe her in one last time. The moment I thought of her being so close, I could smell freesias. I took in a deep breath, letting it flood my lungs. Even if it was a figment of my imagination, I filled my mind with the scent of Bella, savoring every bit of it.

"_I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. I need you like a heart needs a beat, but it's nothing new. I loved you with a fire, red – now it's turning blue, and you said 'sorry' like the angel heaven let me think was you…"_ My fingers paused over the keys as Alice stopped playing. I took in another deep breath and squeezed my eyes shut tighter.

"_But I'm afraid!"_ I screamed out through a sob. I took a few shaky breaths as I tried to calm myself, but I just couldn't seem to focus on anything but the pain of missing her. "I'm so sorry, Bella," I whispered into the microphone. I took another deep breath and the scent of freesias was even stronger than before. I pressed down on the keys to resume the song, and Alice joined me without hesitation.

I screamed out the chorus, choking back my sobs. As I repeated it the last time, Alice missed a beat and gasped. I stopped playing and opened my eyes, looking across the stage at her. Her eyes were wide with shock and panic.

Slowly, I turned around on the bench, following her gaze to the edge of stage next to the backstage curtain. I blinked, and studied the silhouette more closely. It was a small female figure, and it was trembling. She took two steps towards the stage, exiting through the shadows, and I gasped. The lights on the stage went out and everything was dark. I stood up quickly and tried to run towards her, but I couldn't move.

"Bella?"

A soft gasp came from the small figure and it trembled harder. Suddenly, a tall figure was behind her, trying to tug her into his arms. I reached my arm out towards her, pleading silently for her to step closer so I could tell if it was truly her or not because my feet wouldn't move. I saw Alice and Jasper step up beside me in my peripheral vision.

'_Is it really her?'_ Jasper thought.

I pleaded with my feet to move, screaming at them mentally, and finally they moved. I took two steps towards her, but she turned and ran.

"Wait!" I called out, panicked. I ran towards her but Garrett stopped me. I slammed into him and he held me back. I let out a deep, guttural growl and narrowed my eyes at him, lowering myself into a crouch.

"Wait, Edward. She's in shock. Let me talk to her. Please. I promise I'll try to convince her to hear you out, but just give her some time," Garrett said quickly.

I growled again and bared my teeth. Something inside of me had snapped and I felt feral, uncontrollable, but somehow I had managed to not lunge.

"Edward, he's right. Please. Let's just give her a little time," Alice said through sobs.

I spun on my heel and glared at my sister. "You knew?"

"No! I just saw that you said her name at the end of the song, but I never saw her, I swear!" she said quickly.

When I spun back around to face Garrett, he was gone. Jasper's hand gripped my shoulder tightly. "She's scared, Edward, and confused. Let's give her some time. She's not dead; let's just take our small miracles where we can get them." He sent me wave after wave of calm and patience, and eventually it started to take hold within me.

"Carlisle? I think you should come down to the venue in Anchorage – both of you," Alice said.

I turned to look at her, and noticed the phone in her hand. She was shaking, and her eyes were still wide with shock.

"No, we're... we're fine… it's… it's Bella… she's here," she whispered.

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**A/N:** So, it finally happened. Thoughts? I seriously want to hear them. Flouncing? Hate it? Love it? Expected something different? Something better? What do you think will happen next chapter? Will Bella listen to Edward, or take off? I was seriously nervous to post this chapter… so I'm really curious as to your opinions.

**All of the chapter specific music: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred**

**Ask me stuff! Any kind of stuff!: http://www (dot) formspring (dot) me/Ailisraevyn**

**Song question for the chapter: **Ever heard a song that was sung by the audience, and the performers just let them go, or couldn't be heard over them? Which song, and band was it, and how did the performer react?


	19. Ch 15: Revelation

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.  
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**A/N: **BlahBlahBlah, and OCDMess – Thank you! You two own me. Seriously. Also, uber thanks to NicoleRosaliee for help with naming the chapter!

Last chapter I asked if you had ever seen a concert where the audience takes over. Besides on youtube, I haven't seen this happen for any big bands. I have seen it happen for a smaller band, however. the START played here in Las Vegas once, and a huge group of the audience jumped up on stage for the last song, Shakedown! and sang it while dancing. The band just rocked out, playing the instruments and dancing with the fans. It was a great night. Hear the song here: http://www (dot ) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=Um_2FSjXEtk

This chapter's music:

_Evanescence - My Immortal (Bella's Lullaby)_  
http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/watch?v=5anLPw0Efmo

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_All of the chapter specific music: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred_

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**Chapter 15  
BPOV  
Friday July 28th, 2006**

I ran. I ran as fast as my legs could carry me and for a few moments it felt like I was flying. I ran until the dry sobs became screams, and the screams turned into gasps. My body slammed into a towering brick wall and I stood there as the dust and debris crumbled to the ground. For a split second I pondered if it was anything important, but then I took another gasp of air, my throat on fire, and pulled myself back to my previous train of thought.

_Edward was there. He was playing. Those words were his, and he was singing them, proclaiming them, _owning_ them. _

I was angry. I was pissed, shocked, and definitely confused, but most of all I was spiteful. _How dare he show up in my life now, playing his songs and enjoying his _distractions? _This was all I had to keep me together, and he was taking it away, too. _

It had occurred to me, while running, that Edward was part of the headlining band. That meant that if either of us were to leave the tour, it would be Garrett and I, not them. _Not him._

I peered up at the red, earthen matter that was stacked so perfectly, each brick layered carefully over the others. There was no sign or display to tell me what the wall was a part of, but the barrier was thick, and while a decent chunk of the wall had been reduced to a mound of dirt at my feet, the foundation of the building had been undisturbed. I sighed and hung my head, turning from the destruction I had caused, and walked away. I wandered for what felt like hours, but when I peered up into the sky, the moon was still in the same position and the clouds were lazily passing by.

I walked around in random directions, not paying attention to where my feet were taking me, and hardly caring. Eventually, when I looked back up towards the moon, my gauge for what hour it was, I was startled to see a building towering above me in my path. A large lion crest etched into wood swung back and forth, creaking in the subtle wind. I had walked back to the hotel. I sighed and pushed the front door open, keeping my eyes on the floor.

"Bella! Thank God, I was getting ready to go out and look for you; I wasn't sure you would return here," Garrett said quickly in a hushed voice.

I looked up slightly to meet his gaze and shrugged. I didn't feel like talking. I reached out for his presence and covered him with my shield. It was a habit, but I also liked the feeling of being connected to something – anything. He smiled and held his arms out to me. I slowly walked towards him, my head still down, until I was pressed against his chest, my arms wrapped around my torso tightly. He squeezed me into his body, running a hand through my hair as he breathed in and out slowly. I could tell he was trying to calm me, not berate me with questions, just letting me be. I appreciated the sentiment.

"Are they… here?" I asked quietly.

I felt him nod above me, holding me tighter into his chest. I took in his scent, the familiar comfort of clove and cedar flowing through my memories. I nodded back and swallowed the venom that had pooled in my mouth from the scent of the humans in the building.

"Can they… hear us?" I asked quieter than before.

He shook his head, slowly pulling away from me. "Hey," he said, placing his finger under my chin. I slowly looked up, my eyes searching his for any answers they might hold. "We can leave right now and never come back. All you have to do is say it. We can go anywhere, do anything, start over; it doesn't matter. Just say the word, Little-Bit, and we're gone."

"I don't want to start over. I had to start over before, back in Forks when I left Phoenix and my mother behind. Then I had to start over when _he _left, learning how to breathe through the pain of my missing heart. Then I had to start over, _again,_ because of him, because of Victoria. I'm not starting over again. He's not taking my life from me _again_. He's good at running; let him tuck-tail and run. _We're _not going anywhere." My voice was defiant, strong, but agonized. I shuddered in his arms and tucked my face into his chest, hiding my eyes from his knowing gaze.

"Shh. Okay, Little-Bit. We'll stay," he said quietly, running his fingers through my hair. We stood there silently for a few moments, just breathing in slow, deep breaths. "You know he wants to talk to you, right?" Garrett said, his voice hushed and gentle.

I nodded into his chest, took a deep breath and let it out with a sigh.

"You know I won't let him near you if you don't want to talk to him," he whispered into my hair.

I nodded once more.

"Bella," he said softly as he pulled away from me slightly. "I need to know what you want, what you're feeling, what I can do. I can't sense your core, even though I'm sure you're going through a ton of emotions, and it has me really worried," he said, looking down at me as he stroked my back.

I toyed with my lip ring, thinking over my own emotions and trying to evaluate them. I felt so lost and confused. I could sense my shield was strong around my mind, but it confused me. Usually when my emotions were out of control, my shield grew weaker. _Unless I've retreated into my mind, again,_ I thought.

I looked up at Garrett and released the titanium ring from between my lips. "I'm confused," I whispered. "I don't know what I want. I'm so angry that I'm numb, and I'm so lost that I can't decide what to do. It's like I can't find my own emotions, they're completely disconnected from my mind right now, and I don't understand why."

"Perhaps it's your mind's way of protecting you. When you changed, you said you retreated to your mind and you couldn't feel things as strongly. Perhaps this is another part of your talent," he suggested.

I nodded and sighed. I glanced at the long, wide staircase, then at the elevator to our left. My eyes wandered around the room nervously, taking in the details of the lobby. Through a glass door to our right, there was a dark room with a piano. I stared into the room for a long time before looking back up at Garrett.

"I want to play," I said quietly, looking into his eyes, then looking back at the piano.

He followed my gaze and nodded. He took my hand and walked over to the dark room, opening the door for me and following me inside. I took a seat at the piano bench and stared down at the ivory keys. They reminded me of a different place where I was filled with different emotions in a different lifetime. I sat quietly, staring down at the instrument and not moving.

"I think you should hear him out, Little-Bit," Garrett said from the shadows in the corner of the room. I turned and looked at him, his body standing rigid as he stared out of a narrow window. "I think that you still love him, and I want to believe that he still loves you too. His lyrics tonight expressed a pain that mirrored your own in a lot of ways." He turned and looked at me, his face long and somber. "I also don't think anyone would ever be able to stop loving you," he said gently as one corner of his mouth lifted slightly.

I looked back down at the instrument in front of me and sighed. "He told me he didn't want me, Garrett. He said he had let _us _go on too long. If he loved me, he wouldn't have walked away. He wouldn't have left me to die in that forest. That's what nearly happened to me, Garrett. He left me alone in the woods, unprotected. I got lost chasing after him, which I know he had to have heard, and he still left me there. I curled up into a ball and just waited to die. My heart left with him, and I didn't want to breathe without him," I whispered, choking on my own words. "I still don't want to breathe without him…" I said in a hushed voice. I doubted Garrett even heard it.

Garrett strode towards me, leaving the window behind, and placed his hand on my shoulder. "He would have fought me to get to you Bella. I tried to change his mind, but he was more stubborn than you are. I could feel huge waves of calm radiating from Jasper, and Edward was still furious, unaffected by his brother's attempts to calm him. He looked defeated and devastated when you ran. He looked…" Garrett trailed off, shaking his head. He took a deep breath and sighed. "He looked like a burning-man, Bella. Like he was watching as his life and purpose was taken away from him."

I closed my eyes, picturing Edward's expression when he found me on the floor of the ballet studio. He looked like he was being tortured, in pure agony. I shook my head and took a shallow breath. "I loved him Garrett, with everything I was, I loved him, and he took my heart with him. How do I forgive that? How do I forgive what he has put me through, what he has put my family through? My parents lost their only daughter and they will never know why. I don't know if I can forgive him."

"I'm not asking you to forgive him, Little-Bit. I'm just asking for you to hear him out. Let him say what he has to say, and then ask for time. If he loves you, he _will_ wait, for however long you need. You have an eternity to make a decision, Bella. Don't rush your forgiveness or acceptance. Don't let him push you for an answer." He knelt down beside me, pulled my chin towards him, and waited for me to open my eyes.

I looked at him for a long time and lost myself in his golden irises. Their color may have been the same as Edward's, but the shape and emotion behind them was different. I traced a finger along Garrett's cheekbone and smiled faintly at him. He smiled back, the corners of his eyes wrinkling with genuine affection.

"Alright. I'll talk to him. Will you stay nearby?"

He smiled wider and nodded. "As you wish," he said softly as his lips pressed against my forehead. He stood and looked down at me. "Shall I inform him of where you are?" he asked.

I shook my head and looked back at the ivory keys. "No, let him find me on his own."

Garrett nodded and walked out of the dark room. I listened for his footsteps as he walked outside and sat on the sidewalk at the end of the building. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, letting my fingers hovering above the keys. I focused on my shield, making it as strong as possible and extending my protection to Garrett. I could feel his mind vibrating gently within mine, and I knew the connection was strong. I could sense the familiarity of a mind when I brought it into my safety and could even discern which mind was which if there were multiple people being guarded.

My fingers pressed down and the familiar notes flooded the room. I closed my eyes and let my hands find the notes from memory. The sound of my lullaby being played on the piano brought me back to a time in my life when my memories were pleasant, and my life was filled with joy. I played the song, note for note, as it had once been written for me. It felt like forever ago that I had watched a boy whom would later become the most important thing in my life effortlessly play these notes for me.

I looped the song back around to the beginning, playing slightly louder this time. I could feel a presence in the room, but I didn't turn to see who it was. I continued playing the opening notes with a somber expression. I heard footsteps behind me, getting closer until they stopped just short of the bench I was seated on. I kept my eyes closed as I took a deep breath.

_"I'm so tired of being here… suppressed by all my… childish fears," _I sang the lyrics I had once written to my lullaby in a hushed voice. _"And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Your presence still lingers here… and it won't leave me alone,"_ I cried out quietly, squeezing my eyes shut tighter.

_"These wounds won't seem to heal…"_ the velvet voice from behind me sang. I gasped quietly but continued playing. _"This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase,"_ Edward sang very softly, his pain evident in his voice. He swallowed and took a shaky breath.

_"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years… but you still have…"_ he sang louder than before, his voice still smooth and haunting. He took a shallow breath before finishing the line. _"All of me…"_ he whisper.

I took a deep breath, as my hands shook over the keys_. Had he written these words before, or after he left?_ I shook away the thoughts and focused on the few lines that I had written one night when the pain of losing him had been unbearable. _"You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts… my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me," _I sang softly.

I held onto the face etched into my memory even though all I had to do was turn around to see it once again. I recalled his words and began singing them before he had the chance to._ "These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase."_

I heard his light footsteps as he took the last two steps to the bench. I felt him slide onto the seat beside me, mere inches away from my elbow. He whimpered softly and I could feel his eyes on me. I kept my eyes shut and pressed down onto the keys harder, waiting to hear his voice again.

_"When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years… but you still have… all of me_."

I pushed down on the ivory harder as the lullaby reached its crescendo. I squeezed my eyes shut and trembled as I took a shaky breath. _"I've tried so _hard_ to tell myself that you're gone."_ I gasped and choked back a sob. I felt my shield slip, and stiffened, focusing on my strength to not let it drop. _"But though you're still with me…"_ I turned and opened my eyes, staring into his pitch-black orbs. _"I've been alone all along!"_ I cried out, shuddering.

His eyes looked so hollow and empty. His brows were furrowed and he was staring back at me with an odd expression. I wanted to reach out and touch his perfect lips. I wanted to run my hand through his bronze hair. I wanted to lean in and burry my face in the crook of his neck and breathe him in. He looked just as perfect as I always remembered, but even more amazing with my improved eyesight. I squeezed my eyes shut and turned away from him, leaning into the piano as I finished the song.

My resolve faded as I leaned forward, throwing my head into my hands and sobbing tearlessly. My body shook and I took shallow, gasping breaths.

"Bella…" Edward's velvet voice sounded broken, but I couldn't bring myself to look at him again. I could feel the electricity charging the air and passing between us. "Bella, please…" he begged softly.

"Please, what, Edward?" I whispered into my palms.

"Please, just… look at me… say something," he pleaded.

"What is there for me to say?" I took a deep breath and turned to look at him slowly. Our gaze connected and a shiver ran through my body. I looked back down at my hands, and waited.

"I don't know… tell me what to do, what happened, how to fix this, anything. Just please, speak to me." He sounded like all of the joy and hope had left the world, and he was pleading for someone to tell him it that the last eight months had been a dream, that none of it was real.

"How to fix this? Fix what, Edward?" I asked, confused. I peered back up at him, furrowing my brows.

"How to fix us, fix my mistakes." He paused, running his hand through his hair roughly.

_Old habits never die._

"I thought you were dead, Bella. I went to Charlie's house the night that you died, and he told me you had been in an accident. He said that it was my fault. It is my fault. I never should have left; I never should have lied to you. My lies were… my lies were the cruelest form of blasphemy… and I killed you," he whispered so softly I had to strain to hear him.

"You went to my house? You came back?" I asked, sitting up straight and looked at him. I watched him swallow and take a deep breath, nodding.

"I was too late, though. I went to your funeral, Bella. How did you survive?" He looked deeply into my eyes, searching for some hidden answer, some secret piece to a puzzle.

"Jacob saved me. Victoria came and—"

"Victoria?" His eyes were wide with shock.

"Yes. Victoria. She came back for me one night when I was… well… she came to my house. She had a newborn with her, and she bit me. She ran off when she smelled Jacob coming, I guess, but the newborn stayed to finish me. Jacob tore him apart, but I had already been bitten. Jacob couldn't do anything. He sat with me until the rest of the pack showed up—"

"Pack? You mean the Quileute's? They stopped Victoria?" he interrupted.

"Yes. Now may I finish, or do you want to play twenty questions until you are caught up?" I snapped. I had dealt with so many emotions in one night I felt completely drained. I didn't have much patience left.

Edward flinched but nodded. "I apologize, I won't interrupt."

"Thank you. When the rest of the pack showed up, they didn't know what to do with me. That's when Garrett rescued me," I said softly. I turned my head to look out the window, a faint smile spreading across my lips. I felt for his connection to my mind and smiled when I sensed it.

"Perhaps the rest of my family should be present for this conversation. I'm sure they would all like to know what happened to you, and I doubt you want to repeat it to each of us," Edward said carefully as he looked down at his hands.

_Why did he look so upset?_

"They're here? All of them?" I asked quickly, surprised.

He nodded once, but didn't look up at me. "Yes. Alice called Carlisle and Esme. The got here twenty minutes ago. Everyone is anxiously waiting to see you upstairs."

I studied him, trying to decipher what he was thinking and feeling, but I couldn't make sense of his body language. "Alright, but on one condition," I replied.

Edward looked up from his hands, locking eyes with me, and waited.

"Garrett comes with me, and I have your word that he won't be harmed – by any of you," I said calmly.

Edward swallowed and closed his eyes, nodding. "You have my word. We just want to talk to you, Bella. We've… missed you."

I stood from the bench and cleared my throat. "Garrett? Will you come upstairs with me?" I asked clearly.

The front door to the lobby opened and Garrett paused in the fourier, smiling softly. "Of course, Little-Bit."

I looked back down at Edward. His eyes were still closed and he let out a heavy sigh. He stood slowly and opened his eyes. He turned, walked out of the piano room and headed slowly, at a human's speed, up the stairs. I followed a few paces behind him, and Garrett walked beside me.

I took a deep breath, trying to calm my nerves, and was filled with Edward's scent: honeysuckle and fresh rain. I stopped in my tracks as a shiver ran down my spine. Garrett wrapped his arm around my waist, gently tugging me forward. I buried my nose against the crook of Garrett's shoulder, breathing in his clove and cedar. I relaxed against him and continued climbing the stairs.

Edward stopped in front of a door at the very end of the hallway and turned to look at me. His expression was pained and he closed his eyes, looking away. Garrett released me, but didn't put any more distance between us. Edward opened the door and walked in. I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and stepped inside. I counted six steps before multiple gasps made me freeze and open my eyes.

"Bella…" Esme said softly, "you're alive!"

I nodded once and swallowed the venom in my throat. I should be ecstatic to see the people I once thought of as my extended family, but I could only feel sadness. I looked quickly at Jasper in the corner of the room, and studied his expression. _Could he read my emotions?_

"I forgive you, Jasper. You can sense my sincerity, can't you?" I asked him, taking a step towards him.

Jasper tilted his head as his eyebrows furrowed. He seemed to be concentrating very hard. "Faintly, but yes," he said quietly.

I smiled at him and nodded. "I never blamed you. You were always forgiven. I wish I'd had a chance to tell you that before you all left… I wish I had a chance to tell you all a lot of things before you left…"

"Thank you, Bella," Jasper said, the corner of his lips twitching into a faint smile. I felt a wave of gratitude wash over my body.

_So he was calming me, during the set. That makes sense now._

"You don't have to keep your distance, you know. It's not like I'll ever get a paper cut again," I said calmly as I took a step towards him.

His eyes flickered toward Edward, then toward Garrett, and he hesitated.

"You don't need permission from either of them, either," I said with a smile.

Jasper bowed his head and crossed the room. I threw myself into his arms when he was only two steps away. I held him tightly around his neck and took a deep breath. _Cinnamon and leather._

"I missed you, you know," I whispered into his ear so that no one else could hear.

He pulled away and looked into my eyes. He seemed sad and confused, but I couldn't be certain. I felt a wave of love and admiration flow through me and I smiled at him brightly. I took a few steps back as he returned to Alice's side. I looked around at the rest of the Cullen family, taking in their expressions.

I glanced at Garrett and saw him studying them closely as well. I felt for his mind, making sure we were still connected and Edward couldn't read his thoughts.

"I guess we all have a lot of questions for one another. Who should go first?" I asked, looking at Carlisle.

"How about you tell us what happened after we left," Carlisle said calmly.

I nodded and looked around the room. "Shall we all sit? This may take a while."

"Wait," Alice said from the corner of the room. She ran towards me and threw her arms around me. I wrapped my arms around her shoulders and smiled into her hair.

_Mint and sugar cane. _

We were roughly the same weight now, but she was still shorter. She held onto my waist for close to a minute before letting go and taking a step back. "I'm sorry, I just… I can't see how this discussion is going to go, and I wanted to make sure I got a chance to tell you that I love you, like a sister, and thought about you every day," Alice said quickly as she stared at me, her body shaking.

I pulled her back in for a hug, and whispered into her ear, "I thought about you too."

"Hey! If Alice and Jasper get hugs, I want mine!" Emmett said.

I rolled my eyes and smiled faintly. "Fine," I said through a sigh. As upset and angry as I was at all of them for leaving me without a goodbye, I was too emotionally drained to put up any barriers just yet. I wanted to get through the conversation, answer their questions, ask some of my own, and call it a night so that I could think about everything. We hadn't even begun to discuss anything and already I wanted it all to end.

Emmett picked me up into a bear hug, squeezing me tightly and twirling once before letting me down. He smelled like frankincense and pine trees.

Esme was next. She held onto me tightly and whispered into my ear, "I'm so happy you're here."

Carlisle placed his hand on Esme's shoulder, waiting for her to release me. He smiled at me warmly and hugged me tightly around my shoulders, covering me with his scent of vanilla and chestnuts. Carlisle released me and took a step back. His eyes flickered up to where Edward was standing behind me and his expression fell.

I looked back at Edward, confused. He looked broken, and lost. He turned away, and stared at something in the left corner of the room. I looked back in the direction he was staring and saw Rosalie. I could tell they were having a silent conversation, and Rosalie looked upset.

"Stop it, Rose," Edward said from behind me.

"If you don't like it, then don't listen," Rosalie snapped back, quirking her eyebrow.

I sighed and shook my head. I knew Rosalie didn't like me, but I didn't feel like dealing with childish arguments tonight because of it. I reached out for Rosalie's mind, and focused on protecting her. When I felt the connection was strong, I looked back at Edward. He was staring at me, shocked.

"How did you do that?" he asked.

"Do what?" Emmett asked.

"She blocked Rosalie's thoughts. She was mid-thought and she just went silent," Edward said quickly.

Rosalie gasped and eyed me curiously.

"I'm sure we'll get to my talents eventually, but I don't feel like travelling down memory lane with you two bickering," I said to Edward bitterly.

"Let's all take a seat and try to calm down. I apologize for their behavior, Bella," Carlisle said.

"It's not your place to apologize for them. We aren't playing the high school charade, and they're both adults, not children," I explained.

"Fair enough," Carlisle said. The corner of his lips twitched as he appeared to suppress a smirk.

I glanced around the room as everyone took various seats, Jasper on one of the two beds, Alice between his legs, and Carlisle and Esme on the edge of the second bed. Carlisle placed his hand on Esme's lap and she intertwined her fingers over the top of his. I smiled sadly at the gesture.

Rosalie took a seat on the sofa by the television a few feet away and looked irritated. Emmett crawled onto the sofa and laid on his side, propping his head up with his hand, and grinned widely at me. Garrett took a seat at the small table beside me and smiled. I climbed on top of the small table and crossed my legs, sitting in the center of it.

Emmett let out a short laugh and smiled at me, his eyes glistening with happiness. I shrugged my shoulders and looked at Edward.

"Are you going to have a seat, Edward?" I asked politely.

Edward looked down at the ground. "I'll stand, thank you."

"Alright then," I said awkwardly. I cleared my throat again and took a deep breath. I pulled on my lip ring and tried to figure out what to say. "Where shall I start?" I asked.

"How about when you got that lip ring," Emmett suggested.

I chuckled and nodded. "Alright then. Jessica Stanley's birthday was during our winter break. Charlie had been on me about getting out of the house and socializing, so I agreed to go with 'the girls' to Port Angeles. Lauren had the bright idea of getting piercings to celebrate all of us being eighteen." I shrugged and bit my lip, avoiding the ring. "Charlie wasn't too pleased when I came home with it, but I was eighteen, and he couldn't do much about it. I think he was just happy I was out with people again, and he let the subject go."

I shivered, remembering that night. We had been really candid and open with each other, and one week later, I was attacked by Victoria.

"Well, I like it," Emmett said with a smirk, "it fits you."

"How did you two meet," Carlisle asked, looking at Garrett and then me.

"I have a knack for attracting any vampires in the same state as me, it would appear. During one of my 'socialization outings' with Jessica and Angela, I ran into Garrett. He was playing an acoustic guitar in the corner of a music store, and I was drawn to him for some reason." I smiled and looked over at Garrett, remembering the emotions of that first day. I had been terrified.

"Bella?" Jasper said, concerned.

"Sorry, Jasper. I was just remembering that day," I said slowly, looking down at my hands.

"Terrified? Why were you terrified, Bella?" Edward asked, but I couldn't understand the tone in his voice. Jasper was probably going over my different emotions as I felt them, and Edward caught terrified.

"His eyes were orange," I said plainly. Everyone looked at Garrett carefully and then back at me. "I spent twenty minutes singing with some stranger when I finally found the strength to look into his eyes, and they were orange. I didn't know him, or what his diet was. I panicked, thinking that maybe he was a newborn or drank human blood, and ran," I explained, embarrassed.

"For once, you had a rational reaction to our kind," Edward mumbled.

Garrett reached over and gripped my hand, squeezing it tightly and then letting go. I smiled at him faintly and looked back up. "Anyway, later that night, I was pretty shaken up. I had just run into _another _vampire and I thought I was losing my mind or something. A small, irrational part of my mind tried telling me that none of you were real. When I saw Garrett, I realized that it _was_ all real, and I lost it. I missed you all so much; I went back to your old house and fell asleep on the floor." I didn't specify _whose _floor, however.

"You went back to our house?" Esme asked sadly.

I nodded, and fidgeted with my fingers in my lap. I looked around at the rest of them and realized how still they were. My mannerisms were still very human. _I wonder how long it will take before that fades?_

"Anyway… Garrett followed me back to Forks that night after the sun went down. When I woke up in – when I woke up, he was there. He realized I had known what he was at the music store, and was intrigued."

"More like spellbound," Garrett said.

I smiled warmly at him. "Fine, _spellbound. _We really connected though. I felt like I could trust him for some reason. Over the next few months we grew close, and he taught me to play piano and guitar. I found that writing… among other things… helped to ease the pain." I shivered at the memory, a pain in my chest flaring. I whimpered softly and tried to push the pain I had felt for so long back down.

"Bella! Jesus…" Jasper said from the bed. He was taking shallow breaths and gripping the bed tightly.

I shot him an apologetic look before I closed my eyes and focused on strengthening my shield. I took deep, slow breaths and counted to thirty. When I opened my eyes, everyone was watching me, concerned.

"I'm sorry, Jasper. I didn't mean to slip. I'm still learning to control my shield." I explained quietly. I felt guilty for putting him through my emotions, and became determined to hold myself together tonight. _Jasper doesn't deserve my pain._

"It's okay, Bella, you just… caught me off guard, that's all," Jasper said with a faint smile. "Please, don't feel guilty, I can handle it."

I swallowed and nodded.

"How did you get those scars, Bella?" Alice asked.

I shut my eyes quickly and turned my head away. I began to tremble, and jumped when I felt someone take my hand. I flinched back and whimpered as I opened my eyes.

"It's okay, Little-Bit," Garrett said softly. His hand squeezed mine again before letting go.

I looked over at Edward. His jaw was tight and his eyes were fixated on my upper arms. I was thankful I couldn't sense emotions, because I was afraid of what Edward was feeling.

"I…" I sighed and looked away from Edward, and instead stared at Jasper. I silently pleaded for strength, wishing I could be strong enough to admit my weaknesses to the people I had once considered my family. As if reading my mind, Jasper sent me a wave of strength and love. I smiled at him faintly and he nodded.

"I made them," I admitted.

There were several gasps around the room, followed by a single, low growl. I flinched and locked eyes with Edward, watching what looked like anger, hatred, and disgust build.

"You **what**?!" Edward shrieked.

"I made them," I repeated louder than before, staring at him, daring him to lash out at me.

"You _promised_, Bella! You promised you wouldn't do anything stupid, or reckless! I think that constitutes as both, don't you think?" he spat.

"And you swore you would never leave me, Edward! Remember that? You swore to me that you would never leave me again, that you would always be there. So who broke their promise first?" I snapped.

Edward flinched at my words but didn't back down. "That's different. I left _for_ you! I didn't want to leave, but I had to – to keep you _safe_!" he argued.

"To keep me safe? From what? True love? Your over-protective, over-bearing self? What a load of bullshit Edward! You told me I wasn't _good for_ _you. _You told me you had let this little game of pitiful human infatuation go on for _too long_. You told me you didn't _want _me anymore. So please, explain to me – at what point in the forest did you tell me you were leaving for _me_, because I sure as _hell _don't remember that little part of your break up speech." I glared at him, taking rapid breaths.

Esme gasped. "You told her you didn't love her, Edward? You left her alone in the forest?" Esme asked, staring at her first son, shocked.

"Oh, what, you didn't tell them? So you lied to them too, Edward? Well, who in this damn room _haven't _you lied to?" I asked bitterly.

"No, Bella. He didn't tell us what happened that day, and we never asked," Carlisle said calmly.

"Well screw you then, Carlisle. Screw all of you. You all left me that day. Every single one of you. _I died that day, _and none of you said goodbye. None of you stayed to protect me from Victoria, so why should you care now?" I got off of the table and walked toward Edward. I stopped three feet in front of him and balled my fists as I looked up into his eyes. "I called for you, ran after you, begging and _pleading _for you to come back. I screamed for forgiveness for whatever I had done to make you leave. I cried for you to not leave me. I got lost in the forest, and after falling down so many times that my hands were bleeding, I just curled up and laid there. I waited for the darkness to come and take me because I didn't want to live anymore. You took my heart with you that day, Edward, and I've been dead inside ever since."

I closed my eyes and took a shaky breath. I focused on my shield and held it strong around me before looking back up at him.

"So why did I hurt myself? Because I was already so hollow and dead on the inside, it didn't seem like it would make a difference. I was numb, and a simple cut was nothing compared to the hurt you caused me. It was the spilling of my blood that drove you all away, and I couldn't for the life of me figure out what I had done wrong." I trembled, closing my eyes for a moment and taking a breath. I opened them and looked up at Edward. He looked so angry and I couldn't begin to understand why.

"I didn't just pick up a razor and start carving the day you left, so don't look at me like that," I snapped, glaring at him. "I tripped and fell at work and cut my hand open. I found that when I was focused on the physical pain, it dulled the emotional pain, making it manageable. I could breathe again, and the hole in my chest where my heart belonged didn't hurt so badly. I began cutting as a way to ease that pain, and desensitize myself to the smell of my blood. I couldn't understand why my blood was so different to you, and I hated it. I hated my own blood, Edward, because it drove you away. I sound like such a foolish little girl saying this now, but it's how I felt at the time. I _loathed _myself for driving you and your family away."

I turned away from him, closing my eyes. Garrett wrapped his arms around me and held me tightly against his chest. I took in his scent and sobbed.

_I still hate myself._

"Bella," Esme said softly.

Garrett released me and lifted my chin to look at him. He gave me a soft smile and nodded.

Esme took my hand and turned me to face her. She was standing in front of me, only a few inches taller, and looking at me sadly. "Bella, I'm so sorry. We never asked because Edward had convinced us all that leaving you was best. He forbade us from saying goodbye, and said that this was the only way to give you a happy, long life. I can see that we were all wrong. We should have fought for you, and I'm sorry. I should have fought for my daughter, I'm such a terrible person and I'm so sorry, Bella." She gripped my hands, squeezing them in her own before letting them go.

"I would like to apologize as well," Carlisle said from behind Esme. I looked into his gentle eyes and swallowed. "We never should have left Forks. Family doesn't abandon each other, even if they do believe they are doing the right thing. We hurt you, and I can see that, and I am so sorry. If I had known that Edward would not be truthful with you about our reason for leaving, I would have insisted on explaining it to you myself. But that is beside the point. We never should have left you to begin with. I don't think any of us have the right to ask for your forgiveness, but I do hope that you will believe me when I tell you that we all care very deeply for you."

Carlisle stepped closer and reached out for my right hand. He took it between both of his and held it firmly. "When we heard that you had died we… we all didn't want to believe it. I went to the reservation and asked them what happened. Their story matched the report perfectly, and we couldn't find any reason to not believe them. Edward was so distraught he didn't talk to any of us for quite some time. We watched your funeral from the cliffs because we were forbidden on the reservation's land. We thought you'd died, Bella. I thought I had lost a member of this family, a daughter. We never should have left you, and I'm so sorry." His voice was heavy with sorrow and regret, and I immediately felt bad for swearing at him, but they had all hurt me.

"All of our songs are about you, you know," Alice said from the bed.

I looked at her, surprised. "What?"

Carlisle stepped back and took Esme's hand in his, returning to their spot on the edge of the bed.

Alice hopped off of the bed and grabbed a bag by the mirror on the vanity. She pulled a CD out and handed it to me. "All of them. Some are about Edward's regrets, or pain over losing you, while others are about missing you. We wrote some the day we went to your funeral, but all of them are about you. _Dear Friend _is one I wrote when I was particularly upset with Edward for making us leave. I looked for you when he wasn't around. Every couple of days he would take off; his depression was really hard on Jazz. When he would leave, I would search for your future, but I didn't ever see much. I caught glimpses of you in Port Angeles with Angela and Jessica. I saw you a lot at school, or at home fixing dinner. I even saw you sitting on your window, writing poetry, but I never saw you hurt yourself. I never saw you with Garrett either. Sometimes, I couldn't find you; everything would be pitch-black. Then, the day you died, I saw you bleeding on the floor and screaming his name and…" Alice trailed off, not able to finish her sentence.

"I wonder why you couldn't see me some days?" I asked quietly.

"I have a suspicion as to why," Garrett said from beside me. Everyone looked at him curiously. "I would often stay close to your house. I came across the pack's scent on more than one occasion. My talent affects them in an odd way, so maybe they're immune to yours?" he said, looking at Alice.

"Hm, that's a possibility," Carlisle said.

"So, they're like a blocker of some sort, you mean?" Emmett asked.

"Something like that," Garrett said.

Everyone was silent for a moment. After the silence grew uncomfortable, Jasper cleared his throat. "Would you mind telling us about the day you died, Bella? About your transformation? I'm sure we all have a lot of questions."

"It was the first Saturday after winter break ended. I'd had a pretty bad week at school, and my nightmares weren't helping me get much rest. I usually visited Garrett on the weekends, but not if I had recently harmed myself. I didn't want to tempt him with a fresh wound," I said quietly, slightly ashamed. I shivered and held my breath, pausing for a moment.

"Please, continue," Jasper said softly.

I swallowed and nodded. "It was a really bad day. The pain was nearly unbearable and I just couldn't take it anymore. I put on a CD, and put the song on repeat. I sat at my window, thinking about… all of you… and I just gave up. I couldn't live with myself anymore. I hated myself."

"You were going to kill yourself?" Jasper asked slowly.

I shrugged. I couldn't look at any of them in the eye. "After the third or fourth mark, there was a knock at the front door. I jumped, startled. I didn't know what to do. By the time I made it to my bedroom door, Victoria was already standing in the hallway with a blond vampire beside her. I knew I couldn't plead with her; she wanted to kill me, and there would be no stopping her. I thought that maybe if she thought Edward was nearby, she would flee, but she didn't. She lunged, and…" I squeezed my eyes shut. I had thought I was going to die, and all I'd wanted was to tell Edward I loved him.

"Jacob scared her off and she escaped, but he killed the boy. Garrett arrived with the rest of the pack, but they were too late; the venom had spread too far. They faked my death, causing the accident with my truck, and Garrett took me back to your old house. He kept me there until it was late enough for him to sneak back into my room and retrieve my notebooks and some clothes while Charlie was asleep. After that, he drove us to Alaska and waited for me to wake up," I explained.

Carlisle and Edward exchanged a glance. "Wait, when did you get the notebooks and leave?" Edward asked, pushing away from the wall.

"I went to Charlie's to collect the notebooks at four in the morning, and we left immediately after," Garrett answered.

"Dammit," Edward cursed loudly.

I looked at him, surprised at his language. "What?" I asked.

"I got to Charlie's around two in the morning. I stayed there until just before four, going through your room, looking for any indications as to what happened. I… found my note to you on the floor," he said quietly. He looked at the ground and sighed.

_He saw the note? What else did he see? _I grew slightly panicked as my mind raced over the different poems in my notebooks. Jasper eyed me curiously, but didn't interrupt Edward.

"I went to our meadow, and slowly made my way back to our house later the next day, just before the rest of my family arrived in Forks. I smelled a vampire's scent at our house, and couldn't piece it together. Then later, when we returned to your house before the funeral, we smelled the same scent. We just barely missed each other. If I had gone to the house instead of the meadow I… I would have found you." He tugged at his hair and growled. "Dammit! Was that you watching me in the shadows when I got to Charlie's porch?" He glared at Garrett, his nostrils flaring.

"No, I stayed with Bella. I only left her side when I went to retrieve her belongings. That was probably Sam, or Jacob. I warned them that you or Victoria might return," Garrett explained.

"And that was your scent at _Sangue Cantante_ back in May, and here in the hotel before the show. How could I not tell it was the same? Dammit!" Edward cursed again, tugging at his hair.

"Wait," I said slowly. Several thoughts began to sort in my mind as pieces began to fit together. "You knew, didn't you, Garrett?" I asked. When he didn't answer right away, I turned to look at him. He was staring at me somberly. "Garrett?" I asked slowly, straining to control my temper.

"Not entirely, no. When I found you in the Cullens' house, I became familiar with the smells quickly. When I went back into your room the night you were attacked, his scent was very strong. I knew he had to have been there. I didn't know which one of the Cullens it was, but I had a hunch. I decided that if he didn't track us, it wouldn't matter. You had enough pain to look forward to for the next few days, and I had to think about getting you out of Washington, so I just left and put it out of my mind.

"I smelled it again this afternoon in the hotel when we were leaving for the venue. It was mixed with other scents, so I couldn't be certain, but I kept my guard up. I only knew for certain when I left to clear the stage." Garrett turned to look at Edward. "You introduced yourself by your initials, and your scents were all similar to those in the house. I put two and two together, and when I left the stage, I decided it couldn't be a coincidence. I spent the entire time you were performing to think of how to bring it up to Bella and what to do. I didn't get the chance to mention it before you said her name. By then, it was too late."

I stared at him, shocked. He'd known and hadn't me. He'd had a hunch clear back in Forks that Edward had come back, and didn't say anything. I looked at Jasper, completely uncertain of what I was feeling and hoping he could help me out. I wasn't sure if I was angry, or relieved, or sad, or what else was going through my mind.

"I'm… not sure, Bella. You're going through so many, I can't keep up, honestly. I've never experienced anything like this before," Jasper said quietly, shaking his head.

I stood there, completely silent while I focused on my emotions, slowing down my thoughts, and ensuring Garrett was still present in the back of my mind. After a few moments, I began to calm down. "Why didn't you just say something when you came back into the room, Garrett?"

"I didn't know how you would take it. I knew your feelings on… things… and I didn't want to upset you so suddenly. We were just listening to the music, and when I finally thought of how to bring it up, Alice said her speech before her song, and it got your interest. From that point on, you were completely enraptured in the music and I panicked. I'm sorry, Little-Bit, I should have told you as soon as I suspected something." Garrett swallowed and looked down. He looked ashamed or upset.

I crossed back to Garrett and wrapped an arm around his waist. I hugged him to me tightly, breathing his scent. "It's alright. Thank you for taking care of me for so long. I know I haven't been that easy to deal with. Your patience is a virtue."

Garrett sat back down in his seat and smiled at me. I swung my leg onto his lap and sat on the edge of his knees, wrapping an arm around his neck. He hugged me firmly again and nodded. "Thank you for not being too upset with me," he whispered. "I know you're having a hard time right now, I can feel your shield flickering occasionally."

I smiled at Garrett and stood back up. The entire room was still staring at me except for Jasper, who was smiling down at his hands wrapped around Alice's.

"So, you came back to Forks?" I asked Edward after a long silence. "How did you get there so quickly? And why was your family so much further behind?"

Edward looked at Alice, and then back at me.

"Because of my vision. I saw everything go red and foggy. I had a vision when Edward, Jasper and I were packing the Jeep after our first show at _Sangue Cantante_. Edward ran back to Forks," Alice said quietly. Her voice was gentle, and didn't hold the same bell-like it normal did.

"You _ran _back to Forks?" I asked, staring at Edward, shocked.

Edward nodded, and closed his eyes. "I was too late," he mumbled, "I'm _always_ too late."

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**A/N: **While this is the full chapter, the conversation continues in chapter 16, from EPOV. Don't worry. They aren't done 'discussing'. *cougharguingcough*

**All of the chapter specific music: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred**

**Ask me stuff! Any kind of stuff!: http://www (dot) formspring (dot) me/Ailisraevyn**

**Or just 'stalk' me on twitter. Ailisraevyn**

Noticing a trend?**  
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**Song question for the chapter: **What song do you listen to when you're angry? When you just want to vent, or scream, or throw things, or remind you of someone who pisses you the HELL off?**  
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	20. Ch 16: Perseverance

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.  
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**A/N: **BlahBlahBlah, and OCDMess – Thank you! You two own me. Also, my twitter sweets! You people rock.

Last chapter I asked what song or band you listen to when you are pissed off and angry. Nine Inch Nails is my go-to. Specifically "Gave up" "Wish" and "Mr. Self Destruct". However, My Life With The Thrill Kill Kult "After the Flesh" is great to break things to as well.

_All of the chapter specific music can be found: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred_

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**Chapter 16  
EPOV  
Saturday July 29th, 2006**

"I was too late," I mumbled, "I'm _always_ too late."

She had been so close, and I hadn't even known it. I had crossed their scents multiple times in the last few months and it never occurred to me that it was Bella. Thinking back, the familiarity of their scents from Bella's house and at _Sangue Cantante_, but I never thought that they were one in the same. I tugged on my hair in frustration. I had made so many wrong choices.

_She's convinced I don't love her, she hates herself, she blames my family, and she detests me. She has moved on, replaced me, and wants nothing to do with me anymore. What a mess I have made._

_'Edward, did she tell you about her talent yet?' _Carlisle thought.

I shook my head minutely, answering him.

"Bella, would you mind explaining your talent to us now?" he asked.

Emmett sat up from the couch with a grin and leaned forward. He was excited to hear about how his baby sister could play pranks on us now. I resisted the urge to smack him, and waited patiently for Bella to explain.

"I…" She took a deep breath. "I have a mental shield. Well, two, actually," she said with a sigh.

"Two? How did you come to learn that you had two?" Carlisle asked.

"Well, through trial and error mostly. One shield protects my mind from any kind of mental penetration. We've learned that emotions are physical, not mental, which is why Jasper can still sense my emotions and alter them. I can put my other shield around others to protect their minds. Once I'm linked to them and can sense the strength of their shield, I can alter it. I also get vague impressions of their emotions. It's not empathetic, exactly, more like…"

"Intuition?" Esme asked.

Bella nodded and smiled. "Yeah, I guess that works. Anyway, I can protect multiple people at once from mental attacks such as: telepathy, memory altercations, delusions, and mental shifts. Alice, Jasper, would you two mind thinking something continuous for me? Something long, like a poem or a piece of literature. I'll guard you individually and at different times. Edward, tell me whose thoughts you lose first, and when."

Alice and Jasper nodded. Alice chose a chapter from Lewis Carroll's _Through the Looking Glass_, while Jasper began reciting war treaties and declarations. Alice's thoughts slowly faded until they were completely silent.

"Alice."

Seven seconds later, Jasper's thoughts stopped mid-word. "Jasper."

"Wow, that feels strange," Jasper said.

"Yeah, you get used to it eventually. She has me practically protected twenty-four-seven now, and I don't even notice it," Garrett said casually.

"Bella, how many can you protect at one time?" I asked.

"Uhm, the most I have managed is eleven, but they were all in the same area."

"For how long?" I asked.

"Just over an hour. I lose concentration after a while, and it gets hard to focus on so many at once."

"Can you shield all of us for a few minutes, just so we can experience the difference?"

Bella glanced at Garrett quickly, and then back to me. "I suppose."

Slowly, one by one, the thoughts of each person in the room went silent. I felt an odd sensation in the back of my mind, like a presence, or a memory that I couldn't quite recall. It was extremely comforting, and instantly relaxed me. I closed my eyes and focused on the sensation of Bella's mind shielding my own. When it faded away, all of the thoughts in the room slowly came back, with the exception of Bella and Garrett's. I slowly opened my eyes and looked at Bella. The comfort was gone, and the pain and loneliness had returned. I wanted to reach out and hold her to me, as everyone else had done when they first saw her. I wanted to squeeze her hand and reassure her that I would never leave her again if she would just let me back into her life.

_'She'll come around, Edward, she feels similarly to you right now,_' Jasper thought.

I sent him a hesitant look and sighed.

"Bella, how does the shield that is exclusive to you work? Have you tested it much?" Carlisle asked.

"We have some. Between Garrett's talent and another vampire with mental abilities that we met at _Sangue Cantante_, we have learned quite a bit. When I lose control of my emotions or feel a strong emotional pain, my shield fades. I can also adjust its strength and weakness on my own, but it takes a lot of concentration. I focus on the amount of pressure it brings and adjust it accordingly. I've had to weaken it on occasion for Garrett to help me when we're performing. Also, I lost it completely a few times while on stage tonight," she said, lowering her head as if she were ashamed.

"Would you mind lowering it for us so we can see if Alice and Edward can affect you?" Carlisle asked.

Bella pulled on her lip ring with her teeth and looked at me cautiously. She shook her head. "I would rather not, if you don't mind," she replied, looking back at Carlisle.

My chest rose and my heart ached. _She doesn't trust us enough to let us hear her thoughts, or see her future. _

_'It's okay, Edward. I can still sense her if I pay close attention,'_ Jasper thought.

"We can respect that," Carlisle said calmly. "Bella… have you ever tried… protecting someone with your own shield; not your secondary?"

Everyone looked at Bella curiously.

_'Could she do that?'_ Alice thought.

_'I wonder what kind of effect that would have on the secondary person,'_ Jasper thought.

"I've tried, yes, but it didn't seem to work. We haven't tried it for a while, though." She glanced at me cautiously.

If she put her own shield around someone, she would be basically nullifying her shield to them, while protecting them from all others. _Would she be able to have access to their mind as well? _The endless amount of possibilities ran through my head.

"Would you be willing to try it… with me?" I asked. "I promise to respect your mind. I won't go searching through your thoughts."

She chewed on her lip, her eyes wandering from me, to the floor, to her hands.

_'She's extremely nervous and afraid, Edward. I don't think she is ready for that,'_ Jasper thought.

"When you're ready, of course. Not right this second," I added. I wanted her to let me, but I knew I shouldn't push.

She thought it over for a moment before nodding. I smiled faintly at her and said, "Thank you."

"So, how does your talent work, Garrett?" Emmett asked, changing the subject. Everyone shifted their gaze to him.

He laughed loudly and smirked. "Ah, I don't think that's a safe question," Garrett said playfully.

"Why is that?" Carlisle asked.

Garrett eyed Bella, as if asking for permission. She nodded once. "You have to promise not to overreact. Let him fully explain."

"Why would we overreact?" Esme asked.

"Because it can be very… upsetting," Bella replied.

"We all swear to hear him out, Bella," Carlisle said.

Bella nodded to Carlisle, but glanced at me curiously. "Thank you." She turned and looked at Garrett, biting on her lip, avoiding her lip ring.

_God how I wish I could kiss her lips one more time._

Jasper shot me a curious glance and I just sighed.

"How do you want to do this, Garrett?" Bella asked.

"Well, I could show them, but that might stir up some unwanted… emotions," Garrett said playfully while glancing at Jasper, then me.

I attempted to smile, but it probably appeared more like a grimace.

"What is your talent, Garrett? In plain words," Carlisle asked firmly.

Garrett stood and faced Carlisle. "Alright then, explanations it is. I can change your mind, make your decisions for you, or push you towards a different option."

"But, that's like playing God with a person's life," Jasper said. He got up from the bed, and put himself between Alice and Garrett.

"Is it really that much different than your talent, Jasper?" Garrett asked, arching an eyebrow.

"I can only influence emotions, and I don't do it for fun or profit!" he argued. His mind was racing with a dozen different ways this talent could be very dangerous for all of us. A faint snarl escaped my lips as I shared one particular image in Jasper's head of Garrett forcing Bella to leave us forever.

"It's very much the same, though. Take a married couple. The man is very happy in his relationship, but the woman has been having an affair for quite a few months. She is trying to decide if she should tell her husband and beg for forgiveness, claiming she is no longer cheating on him, or not tell him and make a silent oath that she will never do it again. With my talent, I could sway her one way or the other, whereas with yours, you could persuade her to be honest and truthful, or deceiving and secretive. My talent would have a longer lasting effect on her future, yes, but we both could make her decision for her." He was very calm about the whole situation, and it was rather unnerving.

"Perhaps, but I would never use my talent in such a manner, your scenario—"

"My scenario is merely that, a scenario. However, if you would like for me to make a decision for you, you simply have to weigh two choices." He glanced at me casually and quirked an eyebrow.

"How do you know exactly what someone is trying to decide?" I asked.

"I see decisions like a fork in the road. One choice leads to one outcome, and the other, a different outcome. Using the married couple for an example again, I would see her decision to either tell her husband the truth, or continue lying to him. I can't see their future, that would be Alice's job," he said, waving his hand towards her sitting on the bed behind Jasper.

"So do these decisions form as a vision, or how does that work?" Carlisle asked.

"That's difficult to explain. I can sense everyone's core. It's like your essence, who you are, what makes you, _you_. Everyone has a different essence, or feeling, so to speak. When someone is weighing a decision, I can sense that core out of balance, like a pendulum, and I pick up on their choices. I guess you can say it's like a vision, or voice, but really, it's not like God is telling me their fate.

"The Pack, however, was interesting. All of their cores were linked to Sam, and when he made a decision, they would all tip to that direction as well. It was like he was their leader in every meaning of the word, and they physically couldn't disobey him," Garrett said.

Jasper sat down next to Alice and seemed slightly calmer about the entire situation but he was not very happy with the possibilities of Garrett's talent.

"So how do we know if we're making our own decisions or it's just you,making them for us?" Jasper asked, bitter. I could understand Jasper's distaste for Garrett's abilities; it was kind of like his talent being used against him, and he was unprepared to handle it. I felt the same way when Carlisle had told me of Aro's gift. Someone being able to read my thoughts would give them access to the thoughts of everyone I had ever heard. The idea had never sat well with me.

"I've been told that it feels foreign. I would imagine it's similar to when you influence someone's emotion." He turned to face Bella and smiled. "Am I correct, Little-Bit?" he asked her.

"It's very similar. You can feel a tugging sensation at the back of your mind, and it feels odd, like you know something is off, but you can't tell what it is until a decision has been made," Bella explained.

I didn't know why it hadn't occurred to me sooner, but I suddenly realized that Garrett _had _made Bella's decisions for her. "You've influenced her decisions?" I spat. _Had he taken advantage of her? _

_'Calm, Edward. I have before as well,'_ Jasper added.

"That's different, Jasper!" I yelled.

Bella looked back and forth between Jasper and I. She glared at me, walking toward me until she was only an inch away, and stopped. I could see her fists shaking and the tension in her body.

I wanted to reach out and hold her.

"Don't even start, Edward. Because of his talent, I've been able to make it through shows without killing innocent people. He's convinced me not to throw my body into a fire and destroy myself when I woke up and realized what I had become. I went through my transformation entirely coherent, Edward. I _felt_ myself burn for three days! When my heart stopped beating and the desire for blood consumed me, I wanted nothing more than to let him finish the job! I begged him to destroy me, and he _refused_." She wouldn't stop trembling as she clenched and unclenched her fists.

I reached a hand out towards her but she flinched away. My heart ached. I wanted to comfort her, be there for her now. "Bella, please… I'm sorry, I—"

"You're sorry?" she shrieked. "Sorry? Now? After everything you've put me through? I don't want to hear it, Edward. I'm done. I'm not going through this again. My soul can't take it anymore. _You broke me, Edward_. I never wanted this life if I couldn't have you in it. I can't trust you, so how can I believe anything you say? You screwed up, and sorry isn't good enough." She turned and headed for the door, her body shaking.

"Bella, please! I love you! Please, I'll do anything!" I cried, begging her to not leave. I followed her to the door, pressing my hand firmly against it so she couldn't leave.

She stopped and slowly turned to face me. Her expression was somber, and she looked like she would be crying if she were human. "I can let you go now," she whispered. "I just had to see you once, but I can let you go now. Let me go, Edward." She peered up at me with her rust-colored eyes. They looked so wrong. I missed the warm chocolate brown that they used to be. I missed her blush and her heartbeat.

"I can't, Bella," I whispered, staring intently into her eyes.

_'Please,'_ she thought.

I gasped, releasing the door, and in less than a second she was gone. I stood there, staring at the empty doorway. I fell to my knees and buried my head in my hands.

"I'll go calm her down," Garrett said quietly as he walked toward the door.

"No! She is mine!" I yelled, springing to my feet and lurching toward him.

I felt my mind pull in a different direction as my hand reached out for his throat. I dropped my hand, shaking with anger and completely confused. I realized he had changed my mind and I tensed.

"Stop screwing with my decisions!" I screamed at him.

"Stop treating her as if she's an object to be _owned_. She is to be cherished, and earned, not something you have ownership over." He stared at me for a moment, waiting for me to argue, but I'd realized he was right.

I leaned back against the wall and closed my eyes. I heard him run down the stairs and through the front door.

"Edward, Son, I think we all really need to talk about this," Carlisle said from inside the room.

I sighed and headed back into the hotel room, closing the door behind me.

"What do I do, Carlisle? I've broken her completely. She hates me. She wants nothing to do with me. She won't trust me, so she will never forgive me. I've lost her…" I leaned against the wall and slid down to the floor. I buried my head in my hands and pulled at my hair.

"Can you blame her?" Rosalie said from the couch.

I looked up, glaring at her, and growled.

"What? I'm being serious. You lied to her, Edward. You told the poor girl that you didn't want her, and that she wasn't good enough to have you. She was already delusional to begin with, thinking that you were some God to be worshiped who could do no wrong. Of course she believed you. You confirmed the doubts she had about herself. You crushed her confidence and her heart, and then left. I wouldn't forgive you either," Rosalie said bitterly.

I blinked, staring at her. "You're right," I whispered.

"Excuse me?" she asked loudly.

"I said… you're right. I confirmed all of the doubts she had about herself when I lied to her. I broke her. But how do I get her back?" I mumbled the last words to myself.

"You give her time, and you show her that you won't stop loving her. Talk to her, Edward, rationally," Carlisle said.

"She's your soul mate, Edward. She'll come around," Esme said, trying to reassure me.

"She still loves you; she's just terrified you'll leave her again. When you reached out to touch her, she was flooded with longing and desire, but an immense amount of hurt and fear as well," Jasper explained.

I nodded and sighed. I didn't know what to say to her. Here, just a few short hours ago, I'd thought she was dead and I would never see her again. And now I sit here fearing I will ever see her again because I hurt her and pushed her away. I never should have lied to her. I should have told her the truth and argued until we reached some kind of impasse. Instead, I made her decisions for her and left her completely unprotected. I never intended to change her and because I abandoned her, she was changed anyway.

I glanced at Alice and shook my head. _I'll never bet against Alice again. _

"I can't see anything, Edward. She has the future so tied up in indecision and fog that anytime I do get a glimpse it goes black or doesn't make any sense. Her talent is infuriating," she said, scowling at her hands.

"I think her talent is awesome!" Emmett exclaimed. "I mean _come on_. We have a telepath, an empath, a psychic, a mental shield, and a guy who can make your decisions for you. Not to mention my brawn, and Rose's beauty," he added, nudging her gently.

Rosalie smacked him across the back of his head and he just grinned.

"This can be very dangerous if the Volturi ever hear about us. Joined as one coven or not, that's a hell of a lot of power," Jasper said.

"You're right," Carlisle agreed. "We need to make sure that Bella and Garrett's talents aren't discovered. We also need to stay out of the media in case the Volturi catch wind. Aro would be delighted to have an excuse to look in on us. It's been a long time since he and I spoke."

"What about Victoria? She's still out there, right? The wolves didn't catch her," Alice added.

"I'm not sure what to do about her. None of us are good at tracking, and we wouldn't know where to begin to look. For all she knows, Bella really did die that night," Carlisle said.

"Yeah, but she broke the law. She changed a human and abandoned her. If Bella had been discovered, our kind would have been exposed. We could alert the Volturi that she broke the law and have them track her," Esme suggested.

"We can't. If we go to the Volturi, they will see Bella's talent in our minds and hunt her, not to mention Garrett. We can't tell the Volturi anything. We either track her ourselves, or forget about her and hope we never cross paths," Jasper said.

"He's right, but what about Charlie? What if Victoria thinks she was changed, or comes back to check and finds out anyway?" Alice argued.

"Well, we can alert Sam's pack to the possibility that she might return, and they can have him protected. I think it would just cause more suspicion if we returned to Forks, especially if Victoria is watching," Carlisle said.

"That sounds like our only option then," I agreed.

"Damnit! Stupid mutts and their fuzzy blocking abilities!" Alice cursed.

Jasper wrapped his arm around her, comforting her.

"We're fighting in the dark and we don't even know what we're fighting against," Carlisle said quietly.

We were all silent for a few moments, contemplating how everything had changed so quickly. Today we were supposed to launch our careers into the music business. I was pushing myself into a life I could live, that wasn't the endless repetition of pretending to be something I wasn't, while still honoring Bella's memory, determined to never forget my mistakes.

I decided I should probably hunt before we packed up our gear and headed for the next town.

I shook my head and sighed. "At least she is alive," I murmured under my breath.

I sat on the hotel steps for hours after I returned from hunting. I didn't think Garrett and Bella had come back, but I couldn't be certain. The sun would be coming up in a few short hours, and we had to leave for the next town by nine to get there in time for sound check. _I wonder if they will continue the tour with us._

I was lost in thought when I heard footsteps down the street. I could hear two distinct patterns, and I knew it had to be them. I sprang to my feet and paced anxiously, planning what I would say when they rounded the corner.

_'Edward, she's okay. I'm sure you can hear me. Please, let her go upstairs in peace and leave her be this morning. I'll be back down to talk to you once I get her in bed,'_ Garrett thought.

_Get her in bed? _That was an odd comment to make. I sighed, walked inside, and entered the dark room where the piano sat. I listened to them walk upstairs and close the door to her room. I could make out the faint rustling of the bed sheets and muffled voices, but she had blocked their thoughts from me. I took a seat at the piano bench and stared at the keys, losing myself in thought once more.

When Garrett cleared his throat, I jumped. I had been playing the instrumental melody to _Something I Can Never Have _mindlessly, and hadn't heard him come downstairs.

"Edward," Garrett said quietly.

"Garrett," I replied coldly.

"Shall we go for a walk? I'd prefer she not over hear us and get stressed out," he said.

I hesitated, scrutinizing his expression. "Won't you lose her shield if you wander too far?" I asked.

"Yes, but what I have to say to you is what I'm thinking anyway, so I'm not concerned," he replied.

_Interesting. He was offering me his trust._

"Alright then. I won't riffle through your thoughts if you won't persuade my decisions." I held out my hand, offering him a truce of sorts. It hurt me to think of the images I might see in his mind, but I decided the insight into Bella's life since I had left would be worth the pain.

"Deal," he replied, shaking my hand.

I followed him out of the building and we headed west towards the edge of town. We were silent the entire way and I wondered how far he wanted to go. When we reached the top of a hill with a giant tree, I realized we had gone just far enough for me to not to be able to read the minds of those still at the hotel. _Clever. _Bella must have told him how far I could read minds.

"She loves you, you know," he said casually as he sat near the trunk of the tree.

I didn't respond. I stood with my back to him as I looked down the hill. I could still see the hotel in the distance, and I wondered what she was doing.

"Why did you say you were going to put her in bed?" I asked, changing the subject.

"Because that's what I did. She may not need to sleep anymore, but lying in bed under the covers comforts her. The nightmares can't reach her anymore, so she finds the bed a familiar and safe place. It reminds her of being home," he explained.

"She's told you this?" I asked. It pained me that he knew her so well, much better than I did.

"No, but I can see the change in her mood. She often weighs the decision of checking on Charlie while lying in bed, so I connected the thought with home. I look after her," he said, _'protect her,'_ he finished in his thoughts.

I nodded. I could understand that. I thought back to when we would just lay in her bed and talk before she fell asleep. It made my heart ache, and my body tense. "Do you think she will ever forgive me?" I asked. I wasn't sure if I wanted to hear the answer or not, but if anyone knew her well enough to guess, it would be Garrett.

"I'm not sure. I'd like to think she will. She cried, you know, real tears. I've only ever seen that once before…" He paused, but finished the sentence in his thoughts. _'Marcus… Didyme.' _

I turned and looked at him, studying him briefly. "How do you know that?" I asked carefully.

"I was once part of the Volturi," he answered quietly.

"What happened?" I asked. I had to be careful how I asked. I didn't want to push him for too much information and have him shut me out, but I knew we couldn't afford to ignore details about his past.

"They let me leave. That's not to say we're friendly _acquaintances_, but I'm not a fugitive, if that's what you're thinking."

I nodded and thought about his answer before speaking again. "What was your position?"

"A recruiter," he answered quickly.

I could tell he didn't want to discuss it any further so I decided to leave it for now. I would ask Jasper and Carlisle about the Volturi and the time period. At least now we knew the Volturi already knew of his talent, so we only had to focus on keeping Bella's a secret.

"Will you two be joining us for the rest of the tour?" I asked. I prayed she would continue the tour, giving me some time to talk to Bella.

"We will, but I can't promise she will be carefree or friendly about it. She's still very bitter and hurt." He sighed and leaned against the tree trunk, closing his eyes. "She's at her own fork in the road, and she doesn't know which path to follow. One path could lead her to an eternity of pain and emptiness, or it could end quickly if she decides to destroy herself. The other path could lead to love and eternal happiness, or it could lead to heartbreak. Either way, she faces the possibility of being hurt for eternity."

"How can I prove to her that I won't leave her again? What can I say to make her believe me?" I begged. I sank to my knees and hunched over myself, wrapping my arms around my torso tightly.

"You can't say or do anything, Edward. You have to _not _do something," he said.

I looked up at him, confused, and waited for him to elaborate.

"You must not leave her again. Only time spent by her side will prove to her that she can trust you. You have to show her you can give her all the time she needs, and that you aren't going anywhere," he explained. He opened his eyes, looking at me for a long time before closing them again and relaxing against the tree. "She'll come around. You're soul mates. She has that same lost look in her eyes."

"I cried too," I whispered.

He leaned forward, looking at me closely before a faint smile spread across his lips. He nodded once and chuckled. "Soul mates."

"I came home after I left the meadow the night she was attacked. I could smell her throughout the house. It was strongest in my room and at the piano. I sat down on the bench and wrote _Something I Can Never Have_, and cried. I had just learned I had killed my soul mate. I had lost her forever, and the last thing she remembered of me was a lie." My voice trailed off as I looked down the hill. The sun was slowly rising behind the clouds and faint rays of light were touching the city.

"Play that song for her at the next show. Construct a playlist for her, something that tells your feelings and everything you want her to know, and play it. It may be hard to get through, but just remind yourself you're doing it for her to prove to her how much you love her. I'll make sure she's listening," Garrett said, the same smile still playing across his lips.

"Why are you helping me? I would have thought you wouldn't want her to have anything to do with me," I asked. Perhaps it wasn't the best question to ask, and I knew I probably didn't want to hear him agree with me, but I couldn't stop myself from speaking it.

"Because I love her. Not like you do, of course, but like my kid sister. No… _more_ than a sister. She's more than just family to me, but I can't explain it. We were never romantic, Edward, if that is your concern," he said, chuckling. _'God knows she would never even consider anyone touching her but you,'_ he added silently.

I half-smiled at his confession, glad there had never been anything romantic between them. Jealousy slipped from my thoughts, and was replaced with gratitude. "Thank you, Garrett, for looking out for her when I didn't. I owe you my life for taking care of my heart."

"Just treat her right. You have a lot to learn. I don't mean that condescendingly, please, don't take it as such, but you are very… _inexperienced_ when it comes to emotions. I would have thought with an empath in your coven you would have picked up a lot from him." He leaned forward again and looked out over the city. The sun was rising slowly and the colors in the sky were changing from a dark blue to faint purple. It was dawn.

"I was changed when I was seventeen, during the start of the flu epidemic in the early nineteen-hundreds. I had never taken to a girl before I was changed, and it wasn't until I met Bella that I even knew of the feelings acquainted with love or lust. Bella is a one-of-a-kind soul, and she's had my heart in her hands ever since I met her. At first, I tried to force my feelings away because her blood called to me so strongly, but later I learned it wasn't just her blood that had attracted me." I smiled at my memories of taking her home to meet my family. The loving thoughts in Carlisle and Esme's minds had taken me by surprise when they accepted her so eagerly. They were simply pleased to see me so happy.

"Why did you refuse to change her, Edward?" he asked, breaking me from my reverie.

I sighed and looked down at my hands. I didn't have much of an answer for him. "I wanted her to have a full life, partly, but it was mostly because of my ignorance. I didn't believe we had souls, and I refused to be the one that would take her perfect soul away from her. For nearly a century I had believed we were the worst kind of monster and that we were damned to hell no matter our attempt at seeking penance. It wasn't until I felt the loss of my soul mate that I realized I _had_ a soul. It was foolish to believe I could truly force her through a lifetime, and watch her age and die while I lived an eternity as a naïve seventeen-year-old. I never wanted to believe Alice. She saw Bella either dead or changed before her nineteenth birthday. No matter what I did, Bella's future never changed." I grimaced at the idea of Bella's alternative fate.

"It seems Little-Bit was always destined to be one of us. Perhaps she has yet to find her true purpose," Garrett said with a smile.

"Why do you call her that?" I asked, curiously.

"What? Little-Bit? I don't know. I used to call her my Little Human. She was always so short and thin…" The image of her pale and sickly stuck in his mind as he thought of her before she was bitten. "When she changed, I couldn't call her that anymore. Little-Bit just happened randomly, and it stuck. I suppose she is a little bit of everything to me. My heart, my mind, my soul, my past, my future, my music…" His voice trailed off as their music crossed his mind. He began shuffling through their songs, trying to pick out the set-list for their next show.

The way his mind sorted through thoughts was very intriguing. It was methodical and precise, but quick, like Alice. I caught glimpses of random song titles and chords before he would push them from his mind.

"Did she ask for you to change your set-list?" I asked.

"She did, but she was too worn out to help me pick. I told her we could discuss it on the way to the next venue. I told her about the piano as well, and she was silent. She nodded, acknowledging I had said something, but she never confirmed she would use it," he informed me.

"Do you think she would mind if my family and I watched you two perform tonight?" I asked.

"I'll ask her, but I can't see her having a good reason to say no," he replied.

"You know, her talent extends beyond that of what you two thought. When people think of her, their minds are unclear. When we played at _La Sangue Cantante_ in May, you two had just left. I thought I was losing my talent when everyone at the bar had hazy memories of your show. She protects herself from being remembered clearly. I wonder why that is?"

"I didn't know. That is interesting, indeed. I would think it relates to the way her talent protects her, and the way your talent invades the mind. But the fact that her gift has a lasting impression on those around her is _very_ curious. I think she's stronger than she realizes. She has learned a lot about her ability in the past few months, but I think she still as much to learn. I'll try to convince her to consider working with you or Alice's gifts to learn more about her own," he said.

"Persuade?" I said through a deep voice. "I don't want you _persuading _her to do anything," I growled.

Garrett stood up slowly and smiled. "I didn't mean it in that sense, Edward. Please, calm down. I honestly don't wander around pulling at people's decisions every chance I get. I've only ever persuaded Bella when she was aware of it, and asked me to."

"What do you mean? Why would she ask you to?" I was still uncertain if I should trust him.

"She's still a newborn. She may have a natural distaste for blood, but that doesn't mean she doesn't crave it. She doesn't enjoy feeding, but it's still a requirement. When we're around humans, she usually keeps her shield slightly weakened so I can change her mind if she happens to get a craving when it's not appropriate. It's part of what I did for the Volturi," he said. _'Among other things,'_ he finished silently.

The image of pyres filled his mind as screams echoed in his thoughts. He shook his head and looked at me sternly. "I'm sorry. You weren't meant to see that. Perhaps we should head back now. The sun is up, and we should be heading for the next venue soon," he said firmly.

I nodded and followed him back down the hill. I thought over everything he had told me on the way back to the hotel, piecing each detail together. I decided that I would ask Jasper to keep a close watch on Bella's feelings during the show. I hated when he dissected each emotion, but in this case, I really needed him to. I also decided I would ask Carlisle and Esme to follow us to the next show. I feared she might be more likely to lash out at me if they weren't around. It might be manipulative, but I was going to do anything I could to get her back.

_She's my soul mate, and I'm not letting her go._

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**A/N:** Alright. You've ALL waited for chapters 15 and 16. _HELL_, **I** waited for 15 and 16. I want to hear from all of you! Please? Don't make me beg, it's not appeasing. I average 20 reviews a chapter, but I know there are at LEAST 200 of you reading. _THEE _scene just happened, and I'm feeling rather... nervous. SO! Tell me what you think!Where's things going to go from her? Happy? Mad? flouncing?

**As always: teasers for pleasers - by request.**

All of the chapter specific music: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred

Ask me stuff! Any kind of stuff!: http://www (dot) formspring (dot) me/Ailisraevyn

Or just 'stalk' me on twitter Ailisraevyn

Noticing a trend?**  
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**Song question for the chapter: **What song reminds you of a season. The melody and emotion in the song just makes you think of winter, or fall, or summer or spring. **  
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	21. Ch 17: Retribution

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended**

**As always: **Thanks to my amazing four.

Last chapter I asked what song reminded you of a season. My answer: Linkin Park - My December because of the emotions and melody, as well as the title. Also, The White Stripes - In the Cold, Cold Night, which is actually in this chapter! -gasp!-_  
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_All of the chapter specific music can be found: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred_

_Carter Burwell - And So The Lion Fell In Love With The Lamb  
Papa Roach - Take Me  
The White Stripes - In The Cold Cold Night  
Evanescence - Bring Me To Life  
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**Chapter 17  
BPOV  
Saturday July 29th, 2006**

When I ran from the hotel, I figured Edward would try to follow me. I knew Garrett would find me, but I didn't expect him to be alone.

"Little-Bit! Stop and talk to me," Garrett cried.

I looked behind me and saw that he was by himself. I stopped and turned to stare at him. "He isn't following you?" I asked as I looked around in the darkness for movement.

"No, I forced him to stay, and he didn't like it very much." He pulled me to his chest and held me tightly. I took a shuddering breath and closed my eyes.

"I can't, Garrett. I just can't. He _left_ me, and now I'm confused as to what the hell I'm still doing here. _God,_ I wish I could read his mind, understand what the hell his problem is," I mumbled to myself, shaking my head.

"He still loves you. That's his problem, Bella. He made the worst mistake of his life, and it's staring him in the face, rejecting him. You didn't see that?"

I pulled back and scoffed. "Are you serious? I was just a child to him; he didn't love me. I was a play thing, kept around to sate his curiosity."

"Bella… you are truly blind. He was defeated when you left the room. He argued you were _his. _Of course, I put him in his place and he seemed to realize his error. However, my point is he was telling you the truth. The entire time you were standing in that room, he debated wrapping you in his arms, or staying put. I think he didn't want to upset you, but the desire to hold you never left. I've never had someone sit on a decision like that for so long. I nearly forced his hand and made him do it, but I knew it would cause you some form of discomfort, so I denied my urges." He quirked an eyebrow, seemingly trying to lighten the mood, but it didn't work.

I was pissed, and he had to be wrong. "You must have misunderstood him. He didn't even kiss me much, or show any carnal interest when I was human. You don't understand. You weren't there," I said bitterly.

If I could have cried, I would have. The moment tears streamed down my face still confused me, but I knew they wouldn't come again. In my human life, I rarely cried when I was sad, so I couldn't figure out why I had cried after playing my last song.

"Bella," Garrett said, sighing deeply. "Please, just take my word for it. You know I think lowly of Edward to begin with, so why would I lie to you? I'm on your side here, but you aren't seeing things properly. The naïve boy still loves you, and he is devastated that you won't allow him to prove it to you; I'm sure of it."

I shook my head, frustrated. "I suppose we'll just have to agree to disagree. We need to discuss the show, anyway, not Edward Cullen." I looked into Garrett's eyes and waited for him to agree to switch topics. He sighed and nodded his head gently. "I don't want to quit the tour. I want us to make music; I enjoy singing, and I enjoy the feeling of being on stage. I never thought I would take to such a public display of emotions, but it's liberating up there. I feel like a stronger person," I explained.

"Then we continue. Perhaps now that you know where Edward is, and things have slightly changed, the emotions behind the songs will change as well. Let's continue with the eleven shows and see where things lead. We can change the set-list if we need to, and just play the songs you're comfortable playing around him," Garrett suggested.

I nodded and buried my face in his chest. "I need to hunt though. Can we do that tonight before heading to Juneau?"

"Of course, Little-Bit. One last thing though while we're still discussing our music. I thought I should let you know that they offered to let you use their piano," he said softly.

I shrugged and started walking in the direction I had been running before Garrett had caught up to me. I didn't know if the offer would still stand or not, and I didn't want to get my hopes up, or bother deciding if I wanted to accept an offer from Edward or not.

"What songs would you like to play for the next set?" Garrett asked, walking beside me.

I shrugged again and kept my eyes on the ground. "I don't know yet. Let's both think about it, and we can discuss it later."

I felt depressed; physically and emotionally depressed. I wondered if venom acted the same in the brain as the chemicals in a human's mind did, if I were capable of actually being depressed. I guess that would be a question for Carlisle… if I decided to talk to him.

Garrett and I hunted for a few hours and I was dreading walking back into the hotel knowing that Edward would be there again. It's almost funny how I used to wish he would come back to me when I was still human. Now that I am just like him, I wish he would stop toying with me, and just leave me in peace. Still, my heart ached, and I couldn't understand why the burden of my past hadn't been lifted. If Garrett's theory were right, then why was I pushing him away? _Easy, because he isn't right and Edward can't be trusted. He either lied then, or is lying now. It's that simple._

I sighed and shivered as we entered Anchorage, dragging my feet at a human pace. I wasn't cold, but thoughts of my human life often caused me to react like I had then, and shivering and shuddering were at the top of my reactionary list. Garrett walked beside me, our steps in perfect harmony, never quickening his pace or hurrying me along.

"What's wrong, Little-Bit?" he asked, almost instinctively.

"I don't want to speak to him again tonight, and given how stubborn he was, he'll be waiting for me on the door step or in our hotel room. If you're right, anyway." I looked at him out of the corner of my eye and saw his lips twitch into a faint smile.

"Stop shielding me when we're close enough for him to hear my thoughts. I'll tell him to back off for the night and give you some space." He kissed me on the top of my head and smiled. "Let big brother deal with him."

I chuckled softly and shook my head. "As you wish." I was mirroring his own words from earlier. As we neared the hotel, I wondered if Edward was even still there. Maybe he left to hunt, or they decided to cancel the tour. My mind raced through different situations as we drew closer. When we were just a block away, I decided I would humor Garrett, just in case he was still there. I grabbed Garrett's hand and squeezed tightly, signaling I had dropped his protection. He nodded, following me as we drew closer to the corner.

A few moments later I heard the squeak of a door hinge and looked up at Garrett. He simply nodded and I focused on protecting his mind again. We pushed the front door open and walked towards the staircase. I could smell honeysuckle and rain, so I knew he must have just been there, but I didn't look around, or feel for his mind. I didn't know if he would be able to sense my ability or not, and I didn't want him thinking that I cared.

When we got to our room, Garrett pulled down the covers on the bed for me and kissed my forehead. I climbed into bed and smiled sadly at him. He had learned so many of my habits in the few months we had been together, and I had never expressed my appreciation for it.

"Thank you," I said quietly.

He stopped and watched as I pulled the covers up to my chin and wiggled lower on the bed.

"For what?"

"For always being there when I need someone. For always knowing how to make me comfortable, or talk me out of my irrational fears, or opinionated impressions. Thank you for being you," I whispered, looking up at him.

He leaned down and brushed his thumb along my cheek and faintly smiled. "Anything for you, Isabella." My full name sounded foreign on his tongue, and the sincerity in his tone was much stronger than I had ever heard before. I tried to remember if he had ever said my full name when I had been human, but I couldn't recall. His smile faded and he looked towards the door. "I'm going to discuss some things with Edward, alright? Just stay here. We won't be gone long."

I nodded, closed my eyes, and curled up on my side under the covers. I heard the door click, and gentle whispers from the lobby below me.

As I lay in bed, I thought about the set-list for the next show and decided to change it up a bit. I wanted to play _Never Is A Promise_ for certain, but thought heavily about the rest. While I was focusing on the anger I could show Edward, I heard a knock at the door.

I sat up in bed and stared at the door blankly. For a brief second, panic coursed through me, but it quickly diminished into irritation. I felt a huge wave of calm and innocent intent. It was the most bizarre mix of emotions I had ever felt. After thinking about the combination for a second, I realized who it was.

"Come in, Jasper."

The door clicked and then thudded closed. The room filled with sweet cinnamon and I smiled. Jasper's honey-colored hair hung in his face, covering most of his eyes. He stopped at the edge of the bed, completely silent with his head hung low.

Of all of the Cullens, the only one I could forgive without a second thought was Jasper. He didn't leave me in the woods. He didn't tuck tail and run because Edward had forced him to. I didn't know Jasper that well when I was a human, but I know that he must have felt ashamed of his actions, and so he left willingly. He probably even felt that I wanted him to leave, but that was never the case. I was never upset with Jasper. The only resentment I could ever hold against him was why he stayed away for so long, but that wasn't his choice and he probably thought I wouldn't want to see him again.

"Yes?" I asked politely.

"I…" He paused at the end of the bed.

"Jasper, I'm not angry with you. You've never done anything to upset me. Come, sit with me," I said calmly, pulling back the covers so he could climb in.

He looked up at me quickly, his eyebrows arched in surprise. "I don't think that's a good idea," he said quietly, his accent thick and his voice deep.

"Why? It's not like you're going to bite me, and it's not like I'm going to jump your bones," I replied, smiling.

"I just think that…" His voice trailed off again, and I huffed.

"Jasper, seriously, do you sense any lust going on here?" I gestured toward myself, moving my finger in a circle as I arched my eyebrows. I dropped my hand and rolled my eyes as he shook his head minutely. "I didn't think so. Now... crawl in and tell me what's on your mind before I drag you under these covers and Alice comes running in here and gets the wrong impression," I said confidently, my voice light with humor.

He chuckled softly and bowed his head. He sat on the edge of the bed and took off his leather boots. He swung his feet under the covers and looked at me curiously. I threw the covers over him as if he were a child and smiled at him brightly.

"See? Innocent."

"Why are you under the covers to begin with?" he asked, a smirk playing on his lips.

I shrugged and leaned against the headboard. "It brings me comfort, I guess. Before I was changed, I used to have terrible nightmares of…" I shivered and sighed. Jasper groaned uncomfortably beside me. "Sorry," I said quickly. "The nightmares don't matter. Anyway, now that I can't dream, I don't have to be afraid of enjoying the comfort of a bed anymore, worrying about falling asleep by accident."

"The pain you carry with you is immense. I don't know how you handle it," Jasper said quietly. He was looking at me, searching for something.

"I spent four months dealing with it as a human, and then three days dealing with it in a different way as my body died and changed, and now I have to spend eternity with it. I've just come to accept it, I guess. What do you suggest I do? Nothing makes it go away." I whispered the last few words.

"I'm sorry, Bella, I didn't mean to bring up a painful topic for you," he said somberly.

"It's okay. What did you come here for, if I may ask?"

"I… I came to talk to you about my family. I know you can't read their minds, or feel their emotions to know if they are telling you the truth. I know you don't believe us, or trust us when we tell you we're sorry for how things happened. I also know that none of us deserve your forgiveness. We turned our backs on you, Bella, and it's something that will haunt us, all of us, for eternity." Jasper sighed and hung his head. "I never got very close to you because Edward warned me to keep my distance. He was afraid I would lose control. Did Edward ever tell you about my past?"

I shook my head and turned to face him properly. I crossed my legs under me and watched Jasper close his eyes and sigh. As I studied his face, I noticed deep scars that ran over his skin like railroad tracks. There were deep scratches that came in three's along the side of his jaw, and dozens of crescent shaped marks along his neck and collarbones. They seemed to continue below the neckline of his shirt and my eyes wandered down his arms to his wrist in search of more.

Jasper's long-sleeve, button-up shirt hid the evidence well, and I could only guess how many more scars he had. I stifled my gasp as I refocused on his eyes. He had watched my eyes travel their path, and seemed to be waiting for my reaction. He looked at me with a somber expression for a long moment before speaking again.

"One day, when we have more time, I'll tell you of my past if you wish to hear it. Just know that I didn't always adhere to this diet. I have a dark past, with dark sins against my soul. I know my family told you I'm the newest to join their coven, and consequentially their diet, but I have a long history of causing human deaths on my hands. Edward always feared I would lose control around you; he _protected_ you from me. Do you understand why I'm telling you this?"

I shook my head again and studied his expression. He seemed so sad, and pained.

"Edward loved you, Bella. He loved you like the night sky loves the stars – like I love Alice. When he walked away from you that day, he died too. I could hardly stand to be near him because his heart ached so strongly. I didn't know pain could run so deep. Then, when he heard you had died, he shattered. I watched as he cried, sitting on the piano bench at our old house and sang of loss and regrets. He cried. His soul cried tears at the loss of its equal." He studied my expression closely, waiting for any kind of reaction.

I took a shallow breath and sighed. I knew of the tears he was talking about; I had cried them too, and they made perfect sense now.

"He lied to you, and he was wrong to do so, just as we were wrong to allow him to force us to leave you. He made the worst mistake of his life, and he has never once stopped regretting it. From the moment he left you that day, he's been a broken man. You say he took your heart with him; well you've had his this entire time as well. The pain that swells inside you every time you think of him is his heart aching over the loss of its other half.

"I'm not asking for you to forgive Edward. Please don't think that is my purpose in being here. I am, however, asking for you to realize that he _still _loves you, just as you _still _love him. He needs to earn your trust, and in my opinion, your respect, but he already has your love. Please, don't lose sight of that, and don't tell me I'm wrong, Bella. I could feel your emotions clearly when you were in that room." Jasper reached across the covers and squeezed mine gently, staring into my eyes.

I nodded and gripped back, uncertain of what to say or do.

"What are you unsure of, Bella?"

"I don't know what to do. If he still loves me, then I can't make sense of why he left me, or why he lied to me. Where do I go from here? I may still love him, but I can't be with him if I can't trust him. That's one of the strongest necessities of love. I can't forgive that. I hurt every day I thought that he never loved me. He rejected me and tore me down, throwing my insecurities in my face. I want to throw all of my pain back into his, forcing him to see what he did to me, but my heart aches too much. What do I do, Jasper? Tell me what to do…" I pleaded. I threw my arms around his neck and shuddering.

He wrapped his arms around my back, comforting me as he slid his fingers through my hair. "I don't have an answer for you, Bella. That's for you to decide. You need to be strong, and you need to decide if you want to simply forgive him and move on, or if you want to wait until you know you can trust him, or if you want to make him hurt first. The choice is yours and yours alone. Just please, don't leave. We all missed you too much to let you walk away. I can assure you Alice will hunt you down if you try, and I'm sure Emmett would love to follow." He stroked my hair gently and squeezed me once before pulling away. He waited for me to look at him, and smiled. "I'd miss you too. I never got as close to you as either of them did due to my… lack of restraint, but I'd like to… if you'd let me."

I smiled and nodded once. "I'd like that, Jasper. Thank you." I hugged him tightly one more time before releasing him.

He tossed the covers back and slipped his feet into his boots. He stood and turned to face me, holding a hand out. "Would you like to go back to our room until Garrett and Edward return?"

I shook my head, but smiled. "No, I think I need to figure out our set-list for the show tonight and get my thoughts sorted out. Thank you though."

He looked hurt at first but smiled after a few seconds. "Alright. Oh! Did Garrett tell you that you can use our piano?"

"He did. Thank you. I think I'd like that."

He grinned and bowed his head. "My pleasure. I look forward to the show tonight. I'll see you later, Bella," he said politely, his accent lingering on the word pleasure. He turned and walked out the door, closing it quietly behind him.

When Garrett returned, he was very quiet. We packed up our few things in the hotel room, and left for Juneau by eight that morning. I worked on the set-list during the drive, and when I finished, I flipped on the radio. _The Reason _by Virulent Disease was playing and I snorted at the irony. Garrett gave me a confused look, but I didn't explain.

I listened to the lyrics and found myself re-considering my plan for the night. My shield was strong, so Garrett didn't notice I was weighing the options Jasper had mentioned and I was very thankful for that. I decided to keep to my plan, _reasons _be damned.

When we got to the venue, the Cullens were already there. They had sound check first this time, so we decided to hang out backstage and listen. I wasn't feeling as spiteful as I had the night before, but I wasn't swimming with forgiveness either. Jasper glanced at me often during their setup and I just smiled faintly at him each time. He would nod and smile back, and continue with what he was doing.

I had contemplated shielding him so Edward couldn't read his thoughts, but I decided Jasper had enough experience at keeping his thoughts to himself, so I didn't intervene. It might make Edward more suspicious anyway.

"Shall we play the instrumental for the equipment check?" Alice asked.

"Yeah, give me one second to finish tuning the acoustic guitar for you Alice," Jasper responded.

I watched as Edward took a seat at the piano and waited. Jasper handed the acoustic to Alice and plugged it in for her. He strummed the chords of his own electric guitar and smiled brightly, nodding to the guy at the sound board. Alice began to play the acoustic guitar with fierce concentration. I could tell she wasn't very comfortable with the instrument as she plucked at the notes carefully. She repeated the same notes a few times and the volume increased as the audio tech adjusted the sliders.

Edward's hands glided over the keys of the piano and my breath caught. My eyes were fixated on his hands as he played a slow, chilling tune. The sound of the electric guitar joined in shortly after, but it was very soft and calming. As the song progressed, I found myself constantly shivering. The melody was romantic, sad, gentle, and innocent all at the same time. I was pulled from my focus when the audio tech asked for a vocal check.

Alice leaned into the microphone at the center of the stage and sang a few high notes to the melody. When she stopped, Jasper hummed into his microphone briefly. Edward did the same when it was his turn, and I shivered once more.

"Alright, we need a harder song to set the different levels. Go ahead whenever you're ready," the technician said.

Alice put the guitar back on the stand and turned to the mixing board on the stage. She flipped a switch and leaned into the keys. They all launched into the chorus of what I recognized as the first song they played the previous night.

_"As days go by, my heart grows cold! I can't seem to let this all pass my by! So take me," _Edward screamed into the microphone. Jasper repeated the last two words into his microphone, screaming as well. Edward crossed the stage quickly, but still at a human pace, and continued the lyrics into the center stage microphone. _"And let me in, don't break me and shut me out!"_ He clutched the stand tightly, pulling it towards him as he shut his eyes. Jasper eyed me quickly before looking down at the guitar in his hands.

Edward opened his eyes and looked at me. I gasped quietly and hunched my shoulders, trying to hide. I looked away and pulled on my lip ring.

When they finished the sound check, they did a light spotting. They informed the light technician they wanted back lights only, with the occasional spotlight sweep; no front or side lights. The technician argued at first, but eventually agreed. Edward walked around the stage staring at various things for a few moments before he locked eyes with me again. His expression fell, and he looked like he was in pain. I sighed, hopped off the guard rail and pulled myself up onto the stage. When I passed Edward, I felt the familiar jolt of electricity pass between us, causing me to shiver.

He quickly walked toward the edge of the stage and jumped onto the guard rail, balancing perfectly. He continued to look around the stage, gauging distances and jumping onto the amplifiers. I shook my head in confusion and looked around for Garrett.

"Ready, Little-Bit?" Garrett asked from backstage. He was carrying in the keyboard and mixing board with Emmett carrying a few guitar cases behind him.

I smiled faintly at Emmett and nodded at Garrett. "Yep, what do you want to play for the sound check?" I asked.

"How about a short cover of _In the Cold, Cold Night_ and then _Bring Me To Life_?" he suggested.

I nodded and helped him set up our gear. Alice and Jasper removed their guitar stand and mix board to the side and helped us hook up to the main sound system.

"Alright, soft song first," the technician said.

I nodded and smiled, taking the center stage. Garrett began the low, chilling melody and I grinned, closing my eyes.

_"I saw you standing in the corner, on the edge of a burning light. I saw you standing in the corner. Come to me again, in the cold, cold night."_ My voice rang clearly throughout the building and I grinned wider. I swayed my hips, keeping my eyes closed and letting the music flow through me. I couldn't really explain why I liked the beat so much, but it always made me feel seductive.

I opened my eyes and saw Edward leaning against the guard rail, staring at me intensely. I shuddered but continued to sing, staring at him, daring him with my gaze_. "You make me feel a little older, like a full grown woman might,"_ I sang louder than before. I pronounced each word very carefully and swung my hips during the last few words. I rolled my head to the side, my hair falling off my shoulder and grinned. _"But when you're gone I grow colder."_ I paused for a split second and arched my eyebrow. I quickly turned to look at Garrett to sing the next line. _"Come to me again, in the cold, cold night,"_ I sang, quirking my eyebrow and smirking.

Garrett stopped playing immediately and bent over laughing. I tried to stifle my giggling but it came out as a snort anyway.

"You and that song," Garrett said through his laugh.

I smiled brightly, turning on my heel and walked toward the piano. When I looked back at Edward, his jaw was firmly set and his eyes were narrow. _What I wouldn't give to read _your_ mind, _I thought snidely.

"Alright, quick piano check and then I need a harder song," the technician said.

I nodded and began to play the intro to _Bring Me To Life. _My fingers glided over the keys and it felt like home to be able to play on a real piano again. I sighed contentedly and began singing high notes to check the mic at the piano. When the sound technician gave me a thumbs up, I stood from the piano and headed for the center microphone again.

_"Wake me up!"_ Garrett screamed, beginning the chorus melody.

_"Wake me up inside!"_ I cried out. I grabbed the microphone off of the stand and walked over to Garrett. As he screamed back, I leaned against his right arm, pressing my spine against him and turned my body to his. He growled out his next line and I felt the vibrations from his chest. _"Call my name and save me from the dark,"_ I sang, leaning my head against his shoulder. We continued the chorus while I closed my eyes and bent my knees, lowering myself to the ground slowly. I clenched my free fist tightly and pressed it against my temple.

_"Save me!"_ Garrett screamed out louder than before.

I opened my eyes and looked at Edward. _"Save me from the nothing I've become…"_ I whispered.

"Alright, we're set," the technician called from the audio board.

I held Edward's gaze for a moment longer before I stood up and swallowed. "Alright," I said quietly, walking to the stand to return the microphone.

"Rob needs your positions for the lights, so just wander your typical path," the tech said.

I nodded, wandering back to the keyboard, to the corner left stage, then to center stage. I eyed the venue for a brief second, gauging how wide the rail was, and the gap between the stage and security line. I hopped out onto the guard rail briefly, balancing on the five inches of metal, and walked along it slowly until I was close enough to believably jump to the amplifier on the right side of the stage. I joined Garrett at his position and looked back up at the tech.

"Got it. You want the dark lights as well, right?"

"Yeah, but we want a red backlight for the first song. Try and match it to the beat, please. Other than that, I'm not picky. Just no front lights, please," I replied.

"Alright, you guys are good to go. We're going to get the last sound check for the local band. Feel free to hang out backstage, just make sure you get your ID badges so you can come and go freely."

I nodded and headed to our room backstage.

_Tonight, I will show Edward Cullen what he did to me, and I'll make him feel more than just regret._

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**A/N:** Thanks to everyone who has stuck with this story for so long, both the silent readers, and those who voiced their enthusiasm or concerns all throughout. Seriously, you guys are amazing. This story hit one thousand hits last update, and I'm sincerely humbled by that. I never thought it possible. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

**Song question for the chapter:** A song that reminds you of working through a relationships low point. Something that speaks about coming together, and fighting for love, no matter the pain.


	22. Ch 18: Reverie

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

**As Always:** Thanks to my Beta, Blahx3, and my ficwife, OCDMess. You two constantly amaze me.

**A/N: **Last chapter I asked for a song that reminded you of working through relationship problems. You guys had some interesting suggestions, and huge thanks to My-Heart-Of-Music for mentioning Delta Goodrem. My answer: (_This will please Z..._) Slipknot - 'Snuff'. Just a bit of foreshadowing with this question... remember it. -wink-

**Specific Playlist for this chapter: http://www (dot) youtube (dot) com/view_play_list?p=F5EEF32AD96B3C01**

_Placebo - Running up that hill__  
Evanescence – Going Under  
Rasputina – You Don't Own Me  
Evanescence – Call Me When You're Sober  
30 Seconds To Mars – The Kill  
Evanescence – Bring Me To Life  
Evanescence – Like You  
Rascall Flatts – What Hurts The Most (by Krista Nicole)  
A Fine Frenzy – Almost Lover  
Fiona Apple – Never Is A Promise_

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**Chapter 18  
EPOV  
Friday July 29****th****, 2006**

I never wanted anything so badly in my entire life.

Watching Bella sway as she sang _In the Cold, Cold Night,_ had me burning with desire, and then she looked at Garrett and I flared with jealousy. I knew they weren't together romantically, but I couldn't help but envy any kind of relationship he had with her. It was more than I had.

'_Seriously, Edward, calm down. They're friends, and it's just a cover,'_ Jasper reassured me silently. I still couldn't stop watching her, however.

She locked eyes with me once more during the second song, and I wondered what she was thinking at that very moment. A small part of me prayed for her shield to fade during the night so I could hear her thoughts while she performed, but the other part of me knew that wouldn't be a good idea. I would probably hate what I heard, and it pained me to even think about how strong her anger toward me was.

When she finished with the sound check, she retreated to her backstage room. I wanted to follow her, spend as much time with her as I could, but I knew she would be upset. I wondered if she would even let my family and I watch her performance.

'_Did Garrett say if we could watch them tonight,'_ Alice asked on queue, as if she had been reading my thoughts.

I shook my head and sighed as I leaned against a wall in our own room at the opposite end of the hallway.

"Jasper, would you mind asking Garrett and Bella if we can all watch their show tonight?" she asked. It infuriated her that she couldn't see anything that involved Bella's future.

"Sure, I'll be right back," he said, eyeing me cautiously. We all noticed that Bella had taken to Jasper more than anyone else; I still couldn't understand why.

I listened as Jasper walked down the hall and knocked on the door.

"Hey, Garrett. We were all wondering if you guys had a problem with us watching the show tonight."

I watched through his mind as Garrett seemed to think it over briefly.

"Sure," Bella said from inside the room. "You guys can watch from the audience if you want; you might have a better view from out there anyway." The vision through Jasper's thoughts was hazy, and I could only make out faint details of Garrett. Bella was somewhere out of sight from the door, but I recognized her voice. I thought back to the show at _La Sangue Cantante_, and berated myself for not putting everything together sooner.

I was pulled from my memories when Jasper walked back in the room and addressed the rest of my family. "She said we could watch from the audience; she didn't seem bothered by it at all."

Carlisle and Esme smiled at each other while Emmett pumped one fist into the air.

'_This should be interesting,'_ Rosalie thought.

I threw her a dirty look and she just shrugged. I liked it better when Bella blocked Rosalie's mind from me.

When the first band of the evening finished their set, we all walked out to the stage to help Bella and Garrett set up. We weren't allowed to lift the piano with just the two of us since there were lights on the stage, so we all helped to make it look more believable. Once they were ready to begin, we hopped off stage and stood between it and the guard rail.

There was four feet of space all along the front of the stage where the security were allowed to stand between the fans and the platform, and we decided that would be the best place to view the show without getting into the middle of the crowd. The security checked our ID badges and waved us off to the left.

Garrett grinned before the lights went out in the building and the noise from the crowd died down.

The same haunting heartbeat rhythm from the night before began as the red backlights flickered in tandem with the beat.

'_Strength, determination, joy and… revenge? Oh dear, Lord,'_ Jasper thought. His eyes flicked to me quickly in shock. _'Hope you're ready for this; she's on a war path, and she has her ass kicking boots on.'_ He smirked at me quickly before turning back to the stage.

"_It doesn't hurt me. You want to know feel how it feels? You want to know, know that it doesn't hurt me."_ Bella's voice rang throughout the room, and I shivered. I listened closely to the lyrics, trying to understand the feelings and events that had inspired them. Was this written about me leaving her, like so many of her songs seemed to be?

Her voice seemed to grow stronger as the song grew louder. The spotlights swept the stage during the chorus and the audience cheered when they caught a glimpse of her pounding her fist against her thigh to the beat.

"_So much hate for the ones we love? Tell me, we both matter, don't we?" _Bella screamed out the word hate, but whispered the last few lines. I listened to Jasper's thoughts, trying to decipher Bella's emotions, but he kept repeating the same thing over and over.

'_Find your strength, Bella. Find your strength,' _he said silently.

When the song ended, the lights went out again and the crowd cheered.

"Thank you!" Bella said excitedly. "We are Beautifully Sacred, and we want to thank you for coming out tonight. This set is dedicated to the lead singer of Virulent Disease for being so… _inspirational_." There was a loud cheer from the audience and Bella laughed gently. She looked right at me and quirked an eyebrow. "This is all for you, _E_." She smiled and turned around, walking toward the mixer.

A lush sound of a guitar seeped out of the amplifiers as Bella pressed something on the mixer. _"Now I will tell you what I've done for you. Fifty-thousand tears I've cried. Screaming, deceiving and bleeding for you; and you… still won't hear me," _Bella sang in a low voice. Her fingers flew over the keyboard as she leaned back and closed her eyes.

"_Going under!"_ Garrett said through a deep, growly voice.

Bella leaned back into the microphone and sang the next line with a fierce passion. The lights scattered across the stage, only giving the audience a glimpse of Bella as she played the chorus. _"I'm… dying again!" _She sang beautifully, hitting the high note and holding it until her lungs were empty.

"_Blurring and stirring the truth and the lies, so I don't know what's real and what's not."_ She whispered the last few words and Garrett echoed them. The crowd cheered louder and began to rock against the guard rail to the music.

Her presence on stage was demanding; I couldn't take my eyes off of her. She seemed to pour her entire being into her performance and let the words chill to the bone. I wondered if this song was about her transformation. The term "going under" seemed to be a metaphor for everything she went through when she changed, and the song was laced with anger and pain.

"Please, Jasper, tell me what she is feeling during her songs," I pleaded quietly.

'_She's really hard to read right now. I think she's pretty determined to keep her shield in tact. I know it doesn't block my ability, but it makes it more difficult to get the nuances of her emotions. Right now, she seems determined and spiteful, but I can't be certain that's all_.'

As she sang the high notes, I took a moment to admire her voice and pitch. She never sang for me when she was human, and I really wished I could have heard her, just once. I constantly fought the urge to jump onto the stage and hold her as she sang the ending of the song. Garrett continued to glance in my direction whenever the desire grew extremely strong, but he never did anything to make my decision for me. She bent down, clutching her ribs, and hunched over her knees. She bellowed out the words and then gasped as the lights went black once more.

The crowd screamed louder than before and whistled. I thought about the songs she had played last night and wondered what was next. Garrett exchanged his guitar for a bass and I furrowed my brows. I didn't remember him using a bass the night before, though I wasn't listening to the instruments that much; I was distracted by Jasper and the constant flux of emotions he was giving off.

"This next one is actually a cover. I'm sure most of you know the lyrics, so feel free to sing along with me," Bella said to the crowd. She turned, smirked at Garrett and nodded.

She stood by the mixer and took a deep breath while Garrett began with the low notes on his bass. I waited for a familiar beat, hoping it was a song I recognized and could understand the purpose of her performing it tonight.

'_Oh… wow.' _

I turned and looked at Jasper curiously, but he just nodded back up at the stage with a smirk.

My mouth dropped open as the spot lights flickered on, illuminating Bella with her back turned to the audience. Everyone cheered so loudly they probably couldn't hear the first few lines, but I could.

"_You don't own me, no. I'm not one of your little toys,"_ she sang seductively. She swayed her hips to the slow beat of the song. Her entire back was bare with a single, thin string stretching across the center of her ribcage. Her hair was pulled around to the front, exposing her shoulder blades and the back of her neck.

I moaned quietly as my eyes roamed over her body. _God, the things I want to do to her. _Jasper snickered beside me and I growled. I had always wanted Bella when she was a human, but seeing her on the stage, powerful and filled with confidence, was a sight to behold. I felt like a different person, filled with all the desires I had never let myself experience so strongly before.

'_Still want to know her emotions?'_ he asked silently.

"Yes," I replied with a rough voice.

Bella's left hand slowly slid down the outside of her left thigh as she bent down. She rolled her shoulders back one at a time and tapped her right foot. My eyes traveled down her legs and paused as I realized she was barefoot. She looked comfortable in her own skin for once, not like the timid, clumsy Bella I remembered. I moaned once more and swallowed.

'_Hunger,'_ Jasper answered with a grin.

I shot him a quick glare and looked back up at Bella. This was my punishment – I was sure of it. Picking this song with that outfit on this night was pure punishment. I was certain that if I could read her thoughts, she would be thinking, "You can look, but never touch."

I watched her eagerly as she walked slowly across the stage toward Garrett. She turned around, pressing her bare back against his side. Every time she said the word "No" she would say it slowly and bend down, sliding her back against his torso and down his thighs. I swallowed again and suppressed another growl.

Garrett smirked and chuckled softly, shaking his head as he played the slow bass line. She stalked toward the front of the stage as the song neared its end. She put one foot up on the amplifier and leaned over the edge. I knew she was putting on a show for the audience, but I wondered how much of her performance was meant to upset me.

"_To live my life the way that I please!"_ she sang to the crowd. The audience erupted with screams and cheers, and she grinned wider. "Thank you! You guys are great singers." She chuckled, and walked back to the center of the stage.

I hadn't even paid attention to them singing along.

"I usually wouldn't dream of going into detail about any of our songs, but tonight is a special night for us, and we felt like sharing. This song is about learning to accept the cards you're dealt in life. Sometimes we don't win the hand and if we let it get to us, we blow the entire game. This is about not letting that one, _little_, hand bring you down. Find your strength, and learn from the loss. That way, when the next hand is dealt, you have a little something up your sleeve." Bella smirked and ran back to the mixer, her bare feet thumping lightly on the wood of the stage.

She pressed down on the keys, eliciting a low note, and the sound reverberated through the room_. "Don't cry to me."_ She pressed another note firmly_. "If you loved me, you would be here with me," _she sang loudly. _"You love me? Come find me! Make up your mind!"_ The notes mingled with her voice as she held the word until she ran out of breath.

The spotlights swept across the stage as Bella threw her head forward. Her long hair whipped to the front and then back as she leaned into the keys and gasped. A heavy guitar riff kicked in and the crowd cheered.

Bella grabbed the microphone off of the stand violently and stalked up toward the center of the stage. She looked livid. She leapt across the open space at the end and landed delicately on the guard rail. Her toes curled around the metal as her feet curved to hold herself in place. She pretended to waiver back and forth, acting as though she was catching her balance and smirked. She was roughly ten feet to my right and I had to fight the urge to run to her, ensuring she wouldn't fall.

She slowly walked along the rail, screaming the lyrics to the audience. She finished the chorus and hopped off of the guard rail, landing between the stage and the fans, and slowly walked towards me and my family. Her eyes locked onto mine and she gave me an intense look. She pressed her small body against the short stage wall, only a foot away.

"_Couldn't take the blame, sick with shame_," she sang, a pained look in her eye.

"_Must be exhausting to lose your own game."_ She narrowed her eyes.

"_Selfishly hated,"_ she whimpered. _"No wonder you're jaded,"_ she spat, her eyes growing darker. She reached out and grabbed the neck of my shirt, pulling me closer to her. I gasped, staring deeply into her rust-colored eyes.

"_You can't play the victim this time."_ She pushed me back into the guard rail, releasing my shirt and narrowed her eyes infinitesimally.

"_And you're too late!"_ she screamed, holding the note.

She put a palm onto the stage and turned to pull herself up. I fought the urge to pull her back and into my arms.

'_She's angry, Edward, and so hurt. It's taking a lot of focus to keep her anger from spilling over onto others,'_ Jasper said silently.

I swallowed and nodded. _I've hurt her so deeply. I'll never earn her forgiveness. _I watched hopelessly as she finished the song, screaming the lyrics and leaning over the edge of the stage. After she finished the last line and the lights went out, there was a second of silence, and she giggled softly.

_God, how I've missed that sound._ I swallowed once more, and hung my head. _What have I done? _

'_Triumphant,'_ Jasper thought quickly, quirking an eyebrow at the oddly placed emotion.

"This next one was one of the first songs Garrett and I ever performed together. I met him in a small town in the back of a music store. I was a shy girl with my sad poetry and no faith in myself. He pulled me out of my darkness and gave me strength. This song is about destructive goodbyes, and the pain that follows," Bella said into the microphone.

She ran to the mixer and pressed a few buttons before returning to the front of the stage. A faint drum track began to play as Garrett strummed a gentle guitar rhythm. A spotlight lit Bella from behind, and everyone cheered. This was the first time the stage lights had actually focused on her, and I was determined to listen to the song so I could decipher the meaning of the change. She was curled into a ball, crouched on her knees. Her hair hung in front of her face and I shivered as she took a deep breath. She looked _so_ tiny.

"_What if I wanted to break?" _she whispered. She rocked back and forth on her toes to the beat as she sang very softly. I remembered this song from the night before. As she sang it, her shield had slipped and Jasper had caught a wave of pain. _"What would you do, do, do?"_ she screamed.

She sprang to her feet, throwing her hair back in a high arch. She ran to the edge of the stage and leaned over with her eyes closed as she screamed out the lyrics. I felt a slight wave of pain roll off of Jasper and looked at him.

'_There's a _lot_ of hurt coming from her. This may be the first song they ever performed, but it's huge for her. Remember this song, Edward_.'

Her shield still hadn't faltered from what I could tell, but I had a feeling she couldn't hold it strong all night. She screamed the chorus with her eyes closed as she clenched her fist, beating it against her thigh at each word. She took a shaky breath and turned away from the edge of the stage.

"_Beg for the rest of my life!"_ She screamed louder than before as she fell to the floor.

Jasper groaned from beside me and I could feel and hear him holding her pain at bay from the rest of us_. 'Good God, Edward,'_ he whimpered silently.

She leaned forward, curling into a ball on her knees and put her forehead on the ground.

"_I tried to be someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now, this is who I really am inside. Finally found myself, fighting for a chance. I know now…"_ she whimpered every word into the microphone.

She gasped and pounded her fist against her thigh so hard I thought she might hurt herself. _"This! Is! Who! I! Really! Am!"_ she cried out, emphasizing every word. I heard her voice break on the last word, and she shuddered.

The audience gasped and stared at her, concerned and awestruck. I wanted to run to her, pull her into my arms and hold her close, never letting her go. I wanted to kiss away her pain and all of my past mistakes.

Garrett eyed her with deep concern as he sang the backup vocals of the bridge. Bella continued to rock back and forth on her knees. She fisted her hair and shook violently as the instrumental part ended. She looked like she was breaking into pieces on the stage, but I still couldn't read her thoughts. She moaned out incoherent words, slowly growing louder.

_If she was in this much pain last night and her shield didn't slip, I'm not sure I can sit here during a song where it does._

She threw her head back and cried out the chorus, her hair still gripped tightly in her hand. The chorus repeated and she took a shaky breath. She opened her eyes and they were filled with sorrow. She stared directly at me and my heart broke all over again as I choked back a whimper.

"_Look in my eyes, you're killing me, killing me… All I wanted was you…"_ she whispered. I heard her whimper softly as the song ended and the lights went out. She closed her eyes, breaking the connection and I sighed.

'_If she performed that in the middle of her set, I'm not sure I can stay for the rest, Edward,'_ Jasper thought.

I nodded and closed my eyes. _I've destroyed her. I'm so sorry, my sweet Isabella. _

The stage was silent for a long moment and the crowd grew anxious. Garrett crossed over to Bella and picked her up off the floor, cradling her in his arms.

_That should be me._

He carried her to the piano bench and set her down, holding her face in his hands.

"Bella. _Bella_, look at me. We can quit. Let's just stop, you're completely a wreck; it's okay," he whispered to her.

She shook her head and slowly opened her eyes. "No. I need to finish the set," she whispered back.

"No, come on. We're done, let's go," he argued.

"No, I'm going to finish the set. My shield is strong, you can't change my mind, so we aren't done."

He sighed deeply and nodded. He stood and walked back to his side of the stage. Bella's fingers ghosted over the piano keys without pressing down and she closed her eyes. I glanced at Jasper curiously.

'_She seems to be focusing on strength, and faith. It doesn't make much sense, but I'm guessing she is re-establishing her shield. Garrett is really concerned though, and panicked,'_ Jasper thought quickly.

I nodded and took a deep breath. _Breathe, Bella. I know you can do this._

The chilling piano melody I had heard during the sound check flowed from the speakers. A single spotlight was cast down upon the piano, illuminating the top of her hair, shoulders and pale, white hands over the ivory keys. It took my breath away; she was beautiful. Her thin fingers slid across the keys effortlessly. It reminded me of watching her play her lullaby at the hotel. She was skilled, and the music seemed to flow through her with extreme passion.

She began singing an eerie melody, reaching a high note before coming back down and then going higher. She continued her vocal range display for almost half of a minute until her voice hit the most beautiful high pitch I had ever heard. A shiver ran through my body and I closed my eyes. _So talented. So beautiful._

She shuddered and took a shaky breath. Her fingers slid over the keys in a different pattern, merging into a new melody. She leaned into the piano as she pressed each note further away from her. Her eyes were closed, but she found every key without hesitation. She opened her eyes, turned on the bench slightly and stared straight at me.

"_How can you see into my eyes like open doors? Leading you down into my core where I've become so numb."_ She took a shallow breath and swallowed quickly. Garrett's guitar joined the sound of her voice as she continued singing. _"Without a soul, my spirit sleeping somewhere cold until you find it there and lead it back… home."_ She whispered the last word and closed her eyes, breaking her gaze.

Garrett and Bella sang a duet, trading off lines. I recognized the song as the same from earlier, but it was played differently. It wasn't as hard or raw, but somehow more emotional. She remained at the piano, playing a fast melody similar to that of the programed song but more simplistic.

"_Frozen inside without your touch, without your love, darling."_ Bella looked at me through hooded eyes once more, but this time I could see pain written across her facial features. _"Only you are the life among the dead!"_ she sang the words beautifully, holding the last note until all of the air had left her lungs. She leaned back into the piano and turned away from me.

Garrett sang another duet with her, but she became the backing vocals. As I listened to the lyrics, it became evident that this was about her transformation. She had told us she had wanted to die when she awoke a vampire, and that she had endured the entire transformation while coherent. I shuddered at the thought and focused on Bella's performance.

I preferred Bella's piano playing over the mixed instrument tracks they had programmed. If she ever forgave me, I decided I would persuade her to write more piano songs. As they finished, I glanced at the rest of my family for the first time since the show had begun.

Esme was tucked into Carlisle's side while gripping his sweater with her fist. She was trembling and her eyes looked glassy. She turned and glanced at me.

'_We never should have left, Edward. She's been through too much,_' Esme thought.

I swallowed and nodded. I didn't want to be reminded of my mistakes, but she was completely right. Alice was standing perfectly still, staring up at the stage with Jasper protectively pressed against her back. Her jaw was trembling but she wouldn't take her eyes off of Bella.

'_I hate you so much right now, Edward. We destroyed her. How will she ever forgive us?'_ she thought. She didn't sound hurtful or spiteful, but completely depressed. Her best friend was utterly broken, and she felt it was partly her fault. I knew she didn't truly hate me, but rather hated the decisions I had made for her.

I gripped her forearm gently and squeezed. "I know, Alice. But it's my fault, not yours, and I'll do my best to fix it," I said quietly to my sister.

Emmett stood beside Jasper with an arm around Rosalie. They were both exceptionally quiet and I wasn't sure if I should be glad or concerned. Emmett looked at me quickly and furrowed his brow before looking back at Bella. His mind seemed to linger on regret and concern for the girl he considered his littlest sister. Rosalie was paying closer attention to the lyrics than I thought she would have, pulling specific words out and storing them away for later. I wasn't sure if she was merely curious, or actually concerned.

"This song holds a lot of different meanings for me," Bella said softly to the crowd. "It's a confession, a plea, and a goodbye. I wrote it when I wanted nothing more than the one thing I _couldn't_ have; to follow a loved one. Make of it what you will."

A deep guitar riff echoed through the room, followed by a fast, rhythmic strumming. Bella's hands flew across the keys effortlessly. The melody was enchanting. The guitar rhythm opposed that of the piano, but both fit perfectly with the harmony. Bella took a deep breath, closing her eyes briefly before opening them to look at me once again.

"_Stay low, soft, dark, and dreamless. Far beneath my nightmares and loneliness. I hate me, for breathing without you. I don't want to feel any more for you."_ Her voice was gentle and even. She closed her eyes and sighed, letting her fingers glide across the keys.

Rosalie's mind instantly caught my attention; Royce. She was running through the emotions, thoughts, and sensations of the last few moments before Carlisle had found her. She was seeing her pain reflected back at her through Bella's words. In that instant, Rosalie seemed to connect with Bella, focusing on every word and nuance of the song.

Rosalie had wanted nothing more than to be loved and have a family. She wanted to be desired and to feel important, and her own fiancée had torn her down and left her bare; both physically, and emotionally. While Bella's words emphasized the emotional and mental state Bella had been in when I left her, Rose still connected with the meaning.

Bella had wanted to die if she couldn't be with me; she had told me as much, but this song was a confession to that fact. She had wanted forever with me, and when I denied her she decided she would rather die than live her lifetime alone.

'_She's starting to lose it, Edward. Can you hear her thoughts at all?'_ Jasper asked silently.

I shook my head; she was still completely closed off to me. She seemed focused on holding her shield strong tonight, and I had no clue how she was managing it.

When the song ended, the crowd cheered and screamed; even Rosalie applauded stiffly. A majority of the audience thought she was phenomenal and the music as a whole was amazing. The entire room was impressed with the talent of a small, unknown band.

Bella stood and walked to the center of the stage to address the crowd.

"I've never played this next song live before, so please forgive me. I wrote this only a few moments before my entire life was changed. I'd thought I could move on, but I had been wrong. I'd thought my pain would dull, but again… I had been wrong. I'd thought that things could never get any worse… but I was wrong about that too." As she spoke, Garrett pulled two stools to the center of the stage. He switched to his acoustic guitar and situated the microphone in front of the guitar's hollow opening. Bella took a shaky breath and sat on the empty stool.

She clutched the microphone in her small hands and closed her eyes. She sang the first few lines quietly, swaying back and forth on the stool. Garrett played a simplistic rhythm that matched the tempo of her lyrics perfectly.

"_What hurts the most, was being so close, and having so much to say, and watching you walk away."_ She opened her eyes and stared down at her lap with a pained expression. She took a quick breath and looked up at me through her eyelashes. Her eyes were glassy and she trembled.

"_Never knowing, what could have been, and not seeing that loving you is what I was trying to do." _Bella stared into my eyes for what felt like minutes, but all too soon she closed her eyes and cast her head downward.

_Look at me, Bella. Look at me, please. Let me see your pain – let me show you my agony. _

She sang the rest of the song with her head hung low and her eyes shut. Her small fingers clenched the microphone, almost too tightly as she sang. The audience cheered respectfully and applauded instead of screaming, recognizing the more somber tone. Many of the thoughts in the room mirrored each other: this band could do it all, and they were amazing.

I completely agreed.

'_She's panicking, Edward. They only have ten, maybe fifteen minutes left, which means two songs, possibly three. It's getting harder for her. Should I try to calm her?'_ he asked silently.

I looked at Garrett who was watching Jasper. I quirked an eyebrow at him and nodded my head toward Jasper, silently asking him if his decision was okay. Garrett nodded after a moment and Jasper sent Bella a gentle wave of calm. She took a seat on the piano bench and turned to stare at Jasper, holding his gaze with a blank expression. She closed her eyes and mouthed, "Thank you."

Jasper kept a steady stream of calm flowing towards her as she took deep breaths. "This next one is… hard. I apologize now for any odd behavior, but I hope you enjoy the song. I think the lyrics speak for themselves." She crowd cheered for her, pushing her to continue. Someone from the back of the audience hollered "You can do it!" and she smiled faintly.

"Thank you," she whispered.

"I'd like to take this moment to say thank you to Garrett for being my rock. These last two songs, however, you guys are stuck with just me. I'm Phoenix, and we're Beautifully Sacred. Thank you," she said quickly, forcing a smile.

The lights went out, leaving the audience in total darkness. Bella took a deep breath and pressed her fingers down on the specific keys. A soft, calming melody rang clearly out of the amplifiers, and the crowd cheered.

I immediately recognized the song as the last one she had performed the night before and began to panic as well. Jasper glanced at me before sending me a wave of calm. I steadied my breathing and nodded in appreciation.

I watched Bella as she sang softly at the piano. When she reached the chorus the spotlight above her came on, casting her in a yellow glow. She sang the chorus slower than she had before, lingering on words and holding notes with care and a steady voice. At the end of the first chorus, she stopped playing.

"Dim the lights for the rest, please," she requested louder than she had been singing.

The light lowered in intensity, casting a faint shadow on the ground around her as it illuminated her hands and the ivory keys. She began to play after taking a deep breath.

When she sang the word _images_, a flood of visions filled my mind. They started with memories of us dancing at prom, then became a vision of us talking while lying in her bed or bathed in sunlight in the meadow. Her memories quickly shifted to images of us in the forest when I left her. I relived my goodbye as I pressed my lips to her forehead and let them linger briefly before the images faded entirely, and her mind went blank.

She never glanced at me, although I was certain she must have known her shield had slipped. The memories she had shown me and their connection to her lyrics made my heart ache.

As she drew nearer to the bridge, I tensed. She had broken down last night during one of the lines, and Jasper had released her pain so suddenly I hadn't even gotten the chance to take in the words. I kept my eyes glued to her and prayed she could make it through the set-list.

She finally opened her eyes and turned her head to stare directly at me. I felt like we were the only two people in the room, possibly in the world, as Bella's eyes bore into mine.

"_Goodbye, my almost lover. Goodbye, my hopeless dream. I'm trying not to think about you; can't you just let me be?"_ She looked so sad and full of pain that I very nearly ran to her in that instant.

"_So long, my luckless romance, my back is turned on you. I should've known you'd bring me heartache. Almost lovers always do…"_ She closed her eyes, and I felt a wave of pain pass over me. I gasped and trembled, nearly dropping to my knees.

'_I love him, but it hurts. God, I love him, but I can't. Focus, Bella. Don't break,'_ she thought. Her mind was open to me – image after image she was detailing her fears and the memories of the days she had been alone. The images were of the time I had left her, and the nightmares she was plagued with every night of her waking life after that day.

"Bella…" I whispered. I groaned and stepped toward the stage, clenching my fists.

'_Don't, Edward. Let her finish. She _needs_ to finish,'_ Alice said silently.

I turned to look at her, confused. _Had Alice seen something so quickly with her shield down?_

Alice nodded once, confirming my suspicions, so I decided to trust her and wait. Watching Bella's pain was tearing me apart, but she had to finish. I wouldn't take that from her.

As Bella sang the bridge, I realized why it had been so hard on her the night before. It was the question she always wanted to know.

"_Did I make it that easy to walk right in and out of my life?"_ She stopped playing and stared at me. She didn't finish the song as she had last night, but she didn't address the crowd, either. She simply sat there and stared at me with sorrow in her eyes, begging for my answer.

I couldn't take it anymore, and I closed my eyes slowly, hunching my shoulders in defeat. I had pushed her so far away, broken her spirit, and shattered her faith.

"This is the last song. I've never shared it with anyone. Not even Garrett knew I would be sharing it with you all tonight. This is called _Never is a Promise. _No lights, please…" she requested.

The room went pitch black and soft whispers echoed through the crowded area. I heard Bella take a shaky breath into the microphone, causing me to whimper.

'_Oh, Jesus, Edward. I don't think I can stay for this,' _Jasper thought silently. He took a staggering step back, leaning against the guard rail, and gripped the metal tightly, nearly bending it in his hands. I glanced at Emmett, concerned.

'_I got him,'_ Emmett thought.

"You promised," Bella whispered so quietly that none of the audience had heard her. Less than a second later, her fingers pressed down on the ivory keys as she leaned forward. Watching Bella play the piano was like watching a professional ballet dancer; her fingers were graceful and sure of their destination. Every bit of pressure was intentional. She leaned into each note, like she was playing with her entire body, not just her hands. The notes were intricate and somber, like a goodbye played on a musical instrument.

"_Your presence dominates the judgments made on you."_ Her eyes were closed as her head swayed, pressing into the keys tenderly, like she was admiring a lover with her touch.

'_She's focusing on love, but there is so much pain, agony and regret that she's struggling,'_ Jasper commented. He was visibly shaking with the concentration of holding her emotions back from the rest of the room.

I kept my eyes on her silhouette, taking in every stretch of her fingers and roll of her wrist. As she grew louder, she swayed and tossed her hair off her shoulder. Her profile was fully exposed to my gaze, and I drank in her image. Her lips parted and she drew in a breath as she opened her eyes and turned to look at me.

"_But never is a promise, and you can't afford to lie,"_ she sang softly. Her eyes were laced with sorrow and pain. _'You promised you would never leave me,'_ she thought.

It felt like someone had dug through my chest and squeezed my dead heart in their burning hands. I gasped and clenched my fists.

"I'm so sorry, Bella," I whispered as I trembled.

She closed her eyes tightly and leaned back into the piano, continuing the song with more force. As she grew louder, the song picked up in tempo slightly. Her fingers flew across the piano making each of her movements more dramatic.

"_You`l say, don`t fear your dreams, it`s easier than it seems. You`ll say you`d never let me fall from hopes so high."_ She turned, looking at Jasper and her eyebrows furrowed. _'You were right, but I'm not strong_.' She took a shaky breath and closed her eyes, still turned towards us_. "But never is a promise and you can`t afford to lie,"_ she whispered. A quiet sob wracked her body as she played the notes harder. Once again, she leaned into each note, dancing with the piano and feeling the sorrow as she played.

"_My feelings swell and stretch, I see from greater heights!"_ she cried out, looking up at the ceiling. She sang the next line with intense strength, annunciating each word carefully. Her fingers paused over the keys as she took a deep breath.

Jasper's knees gave out and his body crumpled. Emmett caught him seconds before he hit the ground, but Jasper was groaning, and his jaw was rigid. Alice took his face in her hands and whispered to him. His body shook stiffly in Emmett's hands and none of us knew what to do.

"I can't… hold it…" he groaned.

"_You`ll say you understand, you`ll never understand. I`ll say I`ll never wake up knowing how or why. I don`t know what to believe in, you don`t know who I am. You`ll say I need appeasing when I start to cry."_ She sang quietly, almost a whisper. She never turned to look at Jasper, or myself, or even open her eyes. I could hear her heavy breathing, and quick gasps for air.

'_She's sobbing,' _Esme said silently.

"_But never is a promise and I`ll never need a lie…"_

So many things happened at once, and I was completely overwhelmed. Bella's shield faded and I saw images flash through her mind. They started as moments between us when we first were getting to know each other, and quickly shifted to me lying beside her as she fell asleep. Those memories merged into her waking up from a terrifying nightmare, screaming, without me there.

Jasper stiffened in Emmett's grasp, taking deep, heavy breaths through his teeth. _'That. Tell me you heard something during that, because I swear to God, if her shield was still intact during that, I'm fucked,'_ he thought quickly as his eyes darted between Alice, Emmett and myself.

I nodded and swallowed, keeping my eyes locked on Bella.

"I saw her nightmares," I said quietly.

Bella struck the last key loudly and turned to stare at me.

'_You can hear me?'_ she thought.

I nodded once, and swallowed.

She gasped and fled the stage. The crowd had begun to cheer and a faint emergency light had come on so the gear could be cleared, but there was no one on the stage.

I jumped onto the stage and ran after her, not looking back.

* * *

**A/N: **Alright. Play Alice. Next chapter? Next few chapters? GO!_ (Please?)_

ffnet is full of fail this week. No one can see their traffic, or hits, and half of the alerts are going out. Appease me greatly by reviewing so I know you got this update.

Much Luv my sweets!

**Song question for the chapter: **A song that represents finding _lost love_ again. Something familiar to you, that makes you feel light, brings a smile to your lips, and you find yourself lost in reverie.


	23. Ch 19: Reconciliation

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

**As Always:** Thanks to my Beta, Blahx3, and my ficwife, OCDMess. You two constantly amaze me. Also, huge thanks to Jay for pre-reading, and Mayra, for agreeing to pre-read the next one, and getting her hubby to read this fic. -waves to hubby!- You guys are my awesome rocks.

**A/N: **So last chapter I asked what song reminded you of first, or lost love. For me, as cliche or ironic as it is: The Cure - Friday I'm in Love. It was 'our song' with my first boyfriend at the age of 13. He died later that same year.

**Specific Playlist for this chapter: **http:/www (dot) youtube (dot) com/view_play_list?p=8A8F5AD9366D1888

_Papa Roach - Take Me_  
_Depeche Mode - A Pain That I'm Used To_  
_Linkin Park - What I've Done (by Heavensdust)_  
_Our Lady Peace - 4AM (sung by the live audience)_  
_30 Seconds To Mars - Was It A Dream_  
_Hinder - Better Than Me_  
_Hoobastank - The Reason_  
_Stabbing Westward - Breathe You In_  
_Stacie Orrico - Dear Friend_  
_Linkin Park - Shadow Of The Day_  
_One Republic – Apologize (by BoyceAvenue)_  
_Nine Inch Nails - Something I Can Never Have (still version)_

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**Chapter 19  
BPOV  
Friday July 29th, 2006**

Edward could hear me. I thought my shield was strong enough to block him, but apparently I was wrong. I ran off the stage and into our dressing room as Garrett followed me.

"Breathe, Bella. Breathe. Focus on your strength. Your shield is completely gone. I can help, but you have to weigh the decision for me," Garrett said quickly as he held my face in his hands.

I shook my head and took a deep breath. I focused on my shield and was just managing to strengthen it when Edward flew into the room.

"Are you alright, Bella?" he asked. He looked panicked.

"I'm fine. Thank you, Edward. I hadn't realized my shield had slipped so badly." I reinforced the pressure around my mind, eyeing Garrett until he nodded to inform me my core had faded.

"I… I know my words mean nothing to you, but I just wanted to apologize, again, for everything I've done to you and put you through. I know you didn't willingly show me those things and I honestly didn't mean to violate your thoughts in any way, but they just slammed into me. I truly am sorry, and I hope I haven't upset you further." Edward swallowed and stared at me with pleading eyes.

I took a deep breath and my throat burned. I swallowed and winced at the throbbing from my thirst, and nodded. "I accept your apology for entering my thoughts. You don't have much control over that; I do, and I let myself slip. It's as much my fault as it is yours. I… I'm just really overwhelmed right now."

"I can understand that. I really wish you would talk to me when you feel more comfortable. In the meantime, would you like to watch our show from the audience? We've changed our set-list a bit, and… they're all songs written for or about you." His eyes were fixed on mine, never blinking or looking away.

"I'll consider your offer. Thank you. You should probably get out there to set up, and we should probably take our equipment down," I said as I looked from Edward to Garrett quickly.

"I'll get it, Little-Bit. You kick back in here and focus on calming down," Garrett said with a half-smile, and walked out of the room.

Edward hesitated at the door, looking down at the ground, and sighed. He ran his fingers through his hair like he always did when he was frustrated, and looked back at me. "I really hope you consider listening to our show. I have no right to ask anything of you, but it would mean a lot to me." He hesitated for another moment before slipping out the door.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, sinking to the floor. I blocked out everything and pulled myself deeper into my mind. I focused on our music, pushing everything to do with Edward out of my head.

"Little-Bit? They are going on shortly. It's been twenty minutes. Did you want to go out there and watch the show?" Garrett sounded really far away and I had to struggle to hear him.

I slowly opened my eyes and everything came into focus. I blinked twice and slowly stood up. I nodded and he opened the door for me, waiting for me to walk out. We made our way to the side of the stage. I hopped over the guard rail and security told me we couldn't be there. I showed him my badge, and he rolled his eyes and waved me in. Garrett did the same, and soon we were standing right where Edward and his family had been during our performance. Garrett leaned against the railing but he was so tall he was practically sitting on it. I stood in front of him and felt his hand snake around my waist and pull me closer.

He bent down to my ear and whispered very softly, "I'm here if you need me, Bella. Just give my hand a squeeze."

I nodded once and squeezed his hand, expressing my thanks. He rested his hands on my hips and his thumbs slid into my pant's pocket as he straightened himself to his full height. The top of my head barely reached his shoulders, and my hips were resting against his thighs. It was a rather intimate position, but it wasn't romantic and neither of us thought anything of it. However, I'm sure the audience behind us would think we were a couple. I leaned my head back, resting it against his clavicle and closed my eyes. The scent of clove and cedar filled my lungs and I smiled just as the lights went out.

The crowd began to cheer, chanting "Virulent Disease." Garrett squeezed my hip gently and I opened my eyes. I watched the stage for any motion and spotted Jasper as he walked out first. He picked up his guitar as Alice practically danced onto the stage next and quickly made her way to the keyboard and mixer. It was probably too dark for the audience to see them walk onto the stage. Jasper watched Alice closely until she gave a thumb up. I wondered where Edward was and why they were starting without him as Jasper strummed the opening chords.

_"Take me… and let me in. Don't break me… and shut me out."_ Edward's velvet voice flowed from the speakers, but I still couldn't spot him anywhere. Blue and green backlights flooded the stage and Jasper's silhouette as he leaned over his guitar. The crowd was screaming with enthusiasm. I stood up on my tip-toes and looked around, trying to spot Edward, but still couldn't find him.

_"So take me, and let me in! Don't break me, and shut me out!"_ Edward sang louder as Jasper repeated the words from the stage. Spotlights swept the stage and the crowd erupted. Garrett gripped my hips and nudged me to the right. I looked to the side and gasped. Edward was walking on the guard rail directly toward me as the fans screamed, reaching up to grab him.

He sang as he slowly walked toward me, holding my gaze the entire time. He came to a stop when he was only two feet from me and knelt down, gripping the rail with his free hand. _"This is just a story of a broken soul,"_ he whispered into the microphone.

My breath caught and a shiver ran down my spine. He let go of the rail and brushed the back of his hand against my cheek, closing his eyes as our skin touched. I immediately thought of his hand against my cheek when he kissed me on my birthday before he left that evening, refusing to spend the night. He shuddered and dropped his hand before standing and jumping onto the stage. He tugged his hair as he bent down, screaming into the microphone.

I could hear the audience singing the lyrics behind me and I smiled at how popular they seemed to be. His stage presence was amazing and completely different than my own. I couldn't take my eyes off him as he sang and walked from one side of the stage to the other. He looked incredibly human, and I secretly tucked some of his movements away in my mind for later use in my own performance.

The lights dimmed and the spotlights swept the stage as Edward took a deep breath. _"Does anyone around me feel the same? Put your fists up and vent your pain!"_ As the song ended, Edward fell to his knees and the crowd sang the last words for him.

The cheering was insane. I wanted to scream along with the audience, but my mind was still running through the lyrics and how much he must have been hurting while writing them.

"Thank you," he said once the cheering had died down. "We are Virulent Disease, and we want to thank you for being here tonight. Very special thanks to Beautifully Sacred for their dedication; your talent is remarkable. Jay, A and I are also in the sharing mood tonight. We've switched things around a bit and will be playing a new song as well as one we have never played live."

The crowd screamed and Edward smiled faintly. His golden eyes glowed in the low light and I couldn't look away. He was beautiful. When I was a human, I used to think of him as my personal Greek God, but now… with my perfect eyesight… he was delicious and seductive.

"We decided to share the meaning behind some of our songs tonight, so we would appreciate it if you guys would quiet down a bit in-between songs." There were shushing noises all throughout the venue and Edward chuckled softly. "Thank you. All of our songs are about a very special person to us; she was like a sister, our friend, and my love. This next one is about the guilt I've carried for the choices I've made, and the consequences of my actions. This is _A Pain That I'm Used To_."

The crowd screamed again as a loud, mechanical noise flooded the room. I couldn't tell exactly what was making the noise, but it sounded electrical, chaotic and painful. _Is this noise a representation of how he felt, or does it hold some other meaning?_

Alice looked at me as she pressed down on the keyboard and smirked. I smiled back and she looked down at what she was doing, immersing herself in the task at hand. Jasper moved in closer to the microphone and eyed me curiously. Edward sang the first line and Jasper joined him for the last word. Their voices melded together beautifully and formed a unique harmony. I smiled wider in awe of their talent.

Edward swayed back and forth, his shoulders squared and his arms tense as he gripped the microphone stand at the center of the stage. The lyrics sounded like poetry, and related words in an interesting manner. The tone and style of the song was entirely different from the first one they played. After the chorus, Edward seemed to tense up even more and I grew concerned. I glanced at Jasper, but he was watching Edward carefully. I could feel a slight bit of calm rolling off the stage, and I wondered how much Jasper had to help his brother.

_"I can't conceal what I feel, what I know is real. No mistaking the faking, I care,"_ Edward sang, his voice tormented as he stared at me with sad eyes. Jasper sang the last word with his brother and glanced at me. Edward looked up at the ceiling as he sang the next line in a whisper. It was like he was pleading with Heaven as he sang of prayers and hope.

As the chorus grew faster and louder, the audience became louder as well. When the song ended, everyone was screaming but quieted down when Edward cleared his throat. His presence was demanding and his talent was inspiring, but I couldn't shake an aching pain in my heart as I watched him on stage, singing about me.

"We usually perform this next song in a heavier tone, but I'd like to play it for you all the way we originally wrote it. I think the meaning is a bit clearer this way. I wrote this after one of the most difficult days in my life. I had made the wrong choices, and karma finally served me the consequences." Edward stood in the center of the stage and stared directly at me. As the music began, he closed his eyes. "I'm sorry for my lies, Bella," he whispered so faintly that the audience probably couldn't hear him.

_"Because I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies… so let mercy come, and wash away…"_ Edwards's voice was like liquid, and it flowed over me from head to toe; dowsing me in his pain and regret. A shiver ran down my spine and a sob escaped my lips. Garrett clutched my hips tighter. _"To cross out what I've become. Erase myself and let go of what I've done."_

The lights were dim and the music was gentle and rhythmic. His voice was soothing but filled with sorrow. I ached to touch him, hold him, but I forced my urges to the back of my mind and watched him through wide eyes. _Could I forgive him? Could I learn to trust him? _My gaze locked on his form, taking note of his habits and quirks when certain lyrics would affect him stronger than others: he would clench his fist, tapping his knuckles against his thigh when he seemed frustrated. Occasionally he would grip his hair tightly, tugging with his eyes closed, or wrap his free arm around his torso and take a deep breath between lines when he seemed to be trying to steady himself and not show too much emotion. He looked like he was trying to hold himself together, and all I wanted was to feel him in my arms, soothing his pain.

As the song neared the end, Edward seemed to relax infinitesimally. He tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling like he was praying. _"I'll start again and whatever pain may come. Today this ends; I'm forgiving what I've done."_ The words were only a whisper, and I wasn't sure if they were in the original song or not. He took a shaky breath and repeated the chorus in a hushed voice. The audience sang along with him quietly; some were even crying.

Somber applause and faint cheering drowned out the ending notes of the song and the lights dimmed once again. "Thank you," Edward said with a hushed voice. "This next song… I hardly ever sing myself. I wrote it when I wanted everything to go away. It was a confession of all of my sins. I have two major regrets in my life. One was a choice involving my father, and the other, my love. I only realized the mistakes I had made when it was too late. Sing this one for me; it's called _Four AM_."

The crowd whistled and cheered as Jasper played the opening chords. Edward walked to the edge of the stage with the microphone stand and jumped onto the guard rail. _"I walked around my good intentions, and found that there were none,"_ he sang quietly. He held the microphone stand out to the audience who picked up the next line for him. He closed his eyes and mouthed the words along with them. After a few lines, he took a deep breath and looked at me.

"I wrote this after we came back to Alaska from your funeral," he said quietly so only Garrett and I could hear him. "I thought about all of the wrong choices I had made in my life, and how much they hurt everyone I loved. I wrote this song as I stared at one of the first memories I had of you, and thought about killing myself."

I gasped and Garrett gripped me tighter. _How could he ever think of killing himself after everything? Hadn't he remembered what I told him? _

The audience began to cheer and Edward pulled the microphone back. _"I blamed myself for being too much like… somebody else,"_ he sang loudly, setting the audience back on course with the music. He held the microphone out to them and they continued the song. "I hate myself for leaving you and for letting your last memory of me be a lie. I hate myself for letting you believe I didn't love you, Bella. I _detest_ myself," he whispered.

I choked back a sob and reached out toward him. "Edward…"

He pulled the microphone back and turned to look at me. His golden eyes pierced right through me as they shifted to a solid black_. "And if I don't make it, know that I loved you all along. Just like sunny days that we ignore because we're all dumb and jaded. And I hope to God I figure out what's wrong,"_ he sang, his voice smooth and his eyes filled with sorrow. "Tell me what I can do to fix this, because I never want to lose you again," he pleaded softly as Jasper continued to play.

"I… I can't… Edward," I said, barely keeping my sobs at bay.

He closed his eyes and let out a deep sigh.

"I didn't mean it like that! I mean… I can't tell you what to do… I don't know," I said quickly, trying to find a way to get that pained look off his face. I'd do almost anything to never see that expression on his face again.

He nodded slightly and jumped back onto the stage as the song ended.

"Thank you. You guys were amazing. That's one of the best things that can happen for a band, having their fans sing their lyrics for them."

Alice left her spot at the mixer and sat on a box-drum beside Jasper. He re-aligned the microphone in front of it for her and smiled before turning back to his guitar stand.

"Have you ever felt something so amazing, that when you stepped back to get a good look at it all, it felt like a dream?" Edward asked, and at the word "dream" the entire audience erupted in cheers. "This next song is about that feeling, and watching it slip away," he said softly as Alice began beating a steady rhythm.

The sound of thunder rumbled throughout the room and the crowd cheered louder. Jasper began playing and the distortion effect he was using made me think of an ocean. The chords blended seamlessly and I was entranced by the melody for a few moments before Edward began singing. I focused on his lyrics, and closed my eyes.

I could picture myself sitting on the edge of a cliff as I watched the gray clouds roll in, the water crashing against the rocks. Edwards's lyrics lulled me into a trance and my breathing slowed and grew steady. When he reached a quieter part of the song, he let out a loud moan and whimpered. I felt my chest tighten and shuddered; I hated the sound of him in pain. Alice was beating a steady heartbeat rhythm and the subtle sound of rain could be heard underneath the instruments.

The music picked up, and Edward began singing again, but his voice was deeper, raspier. _"A photograph of you and I… in love…"_ I could hear agony and remorse in his voice, and when I opened my eyes, I was startled to see that his onyx eyes were only four feet away from me. He was kneeling at the edge of the stage and looking right at me.

"You're so beautiful, Bella," he whispered. A faint smile crossed his lips and he closed his eyes. He took in a deep breath and smiled wider. "Freesias and lilac… how I've missed that smell."

I swallowed quickly and choked back a sob. If my heart were still beating, it would have skipped. I felt a sense of passion and love flood me, and I looked at Jasper. He smiled faintly and shook his head. _These are my own emotions? _I stared at Jasper, confused. He shrugged, smiling wider and closed his eyes.

The song came to an end, and the crowd started to cheer but Jasper had already transitioned into the next song. Edward threw his legs over the edge of the stage and sat down right in front of me. He held the microphone in his lap and stared at me sadly. He looked like an apologetic little boy, so lost and confused. "I'm sorry," he said quietly. He brought the microphone up to his lips and smiled, but it wasn't a pleasant smile.

_"I think you can do much better than me. After all the lies that I made you believe. And guilt kicks in and I start to see, the edge of the bed where your night gown used to be…"_ Edward sang the words gently, almost like he was speaking them. He never looked away, and he didn't move a muscle. His jaw was rigid and he didn't appear to be breathing. His complete stillness was unsettling; even knowing that he wasn't human, it was intense. The thought of him being a Greek God entered my thoughts again and I smiled subtlety.

Jasper moaned into the microphone and the crowd cheered louder.

_"I told myself I won't miss you, but I remember… what it feels like beside you!" _Edward pulled the microphone away as he sang the last few lyrics louder than the rest. His eyebrows furrowed and he looked at me, pained and full of regret.

_"I really miss your hair in my face, and the way your innocence tastes, and I think you should know this… you deserve much better than me." _Edward held one hand toward me as he frowned. Garrett held onto my hips tighter as I stared into Edward's black eyes, trembling. "I'm so sorry…" he whispered.

He sang the next verse and chorus in the same spot, watching me shake and sob quietly. I didn't shed tears, but a subtle wetness coated my eyes and my vision was slightly blurred. It hurt so much to watch him sing to me with so much pain and sorrow in his eyes as he told me he didn't deserve me. The idea seemed strangely ironic to me. Not even a year ago, I felt that I didn't deserve him. I'd never deserve him, and because of that feeling, I understood why he left me. The memory of him leaving washed over me and I pushed it away, watching his performance instead of letting the past drag me down. He finally closed his eyes, squeezing them shut as he trembled.

_"The bed I'm lying in is getting colder… wish I never would've said it's over, and I can't pretend. I won't think about you when I'm older because we never really had our closure…" _His voice was raspy and I watched as he shook, singing the words he had written for me months ago. He opened his eyes and leaned forward, holding his hand out desperately_. "This can't be the end!"_ he cried out.

I broke.

I sobbed and lurched forward, Garrett's fingers sliding from my pockets as I stumbled and my hand slammed into Edward's. He gripped my fingers tightly and I felt the familiar current of electricity run through my hand and up my arm, coursing through my body. I shivered and gasped for air as I stared into Edward's eyes. He slowly closed his lids, and a smile spread across his lips. He squeezed my hand and took a shaky breath. "Thank you," he whispered. He opened his eyes and they were amber again. He slowly released the grip on my fingers, and let my hand fall.

I felt hope, admiration, desire, longing, and lust, but most of all, love. It flooded my heart, sending a strange chill throughout my veins, and filled my lungs with a breath of fresh air. Honeysuckle and rain overtook my sense of smell and I smiled brightly.

Jasper had finished singing the song along with the audience as Edward and I stared into each other's eyes. I looked at Jasper but he was staring at Edward with a faint smile on his lips. I looked back at Edward and his whole face seemed to light up as he grinned. He stood up and walked back to the center of the stage.

"This next one was the first song I wrote for our CD. It's always held a special meaning to me, but most of all, it's my apology." Edward looked back down at me and smiled brighter than before. "For you," he mouthed.

The room filled with the sound of the keyboard and was overcome by a huge roar of cheering. I recognized the intro as the song from the radio, and instantly knew the lyrics. _An apology? He's truly been sorry this whole time? Ever since he left me?_

_"I'm not a perfect person!"_ Edward cried out over the audience_. "There are many things I wish I didn't do… but I continue learning. I never meant to do those things to you."_ He held my gaze and kept smiling; he looked like he had found a new energy and it was bringing him back to life. The lyrics were filled with sorrow, but his voice sounded victorious and hopeful.

_"I found a reason for me to change who I used to be. A reason to start over new!"_ he screamed. He took in a deep breath and sighed, closing his eyes. _"And the reason is you,"_ he whispered.

I suddenly felt a wave of happiness and hope course through my body and I glanced at Jasper. He was smiling and staring at me as he played. I quirked an eyebrow at him and he nodded toward Edward.

_These are the emotions Edward is feeling right now?_

I let the emotions rejuvenate me and took a deep breath. I leaned back against Garrett and a moan escaped my lips. Garrett's chest rumbled with a chuckle and I smiled contentedly.

_"I'm sorry that I hurt you… it's something I must live with every day. And all the pain I put you through… I wish I could take it all away, and be the one who catches all your tears…"_ Edward sang softly. He had opened his eyes and wrapped his arm around his torso. He looked distraught again, but I still felt the hope flooding through me from before.

He sang the chorus louder, running to the edge of the stage and leaning over. His voice filled the room as he sang to the crowd and they screamed the words back. By the time the song ended, the crowd was out of control. I glowed with happiness as I watched Edward enjoy himself on stage. He truly loved singing as much as I did, and his lyrics hit home, really emphasizing that Jasper and Garrett were right; Edward was truly sorry for everything, and has always wanted me in his life… his arms.

"Alright, alright… thank you!" Edward said enthusiastically, his smile and chuckle making my heart feel light. "This next song…" The crowd quieted down quickly and he chuckled once more. "This next song we actually wrote this morning. We want to share it with you all, but please forgive any mistakes."

Jasper began strumming the acoustic guitar, focusing on the rhythm. The crowd applauded and whistled but died down quickly as Edward began the next melody. I knew the song had probably been written about me, and the electricity coursed through me as my excitement grew.

_"I'm still afraid to feel, afraid to lose someone again. I wish that somehow I could leave my past behind, my fears behind, if I could only breathe you in!"_ Edward sang with a smooth and graceful tone. Jasper echoed the last few words a second later and Edward repeated them again. _"Every drop of you…"_ Edward sang seductively. His eyes flicked to me and he grinned.

A shiver ran down my spine and I looked down at the ground. If I could still blush, I would have. I was filled with so many mixed emotions and I couldn't focus on any of them. A wave of lust passed through me and I gasped, glancing at Jasper. He quirked his eyebrow at me and shrugged. I looked at Edward, watching him sing, and shivered again. Jasper really needed to stop throwing emotions around if he wanted to finish their set.

_"Why am I afraid to feel, when all I really want is you? To taste your skin… to share your thoughts… would never be enough for me," _Edward sang in a deep, alluring voice.

I trembled and bit my lower lip, tugging at the flesh, and looked away. _He's doing this on purpose. That little sneak. Focus, Bella. You can't forgive him yet; he hurt you too much. _My mind and heart waged a war as I listened to the rest of the song, torn on which emotions to follow.

The song faded out slowly and the crowd cheered and whistled. I wondered what song they were going to play next and ran through the ones I could remember from last night.

Alice stood up from her box-drum and walked across the stage toward Edward. He passed her the microphone, and I instantly realized which song was next. Alice looked down at me and smiled.

"Good evening, Juneau, Alaska! We hoped you liked our newest song. This next one was written for a dear friend of mine, and I'm so glad to have her back in my life. I never stopped missing her or thinking about her, and I hope she knows that." Alice looked behind her, glancing at Edward as he took a seat at the piano. The lights went out and two spotlights came on from behind both of them. Alice's silhouette looked so small in comparison to the guys'.

I took a step forward and leaned against the apron of the stage. I crossed my arms on the ledge and rested my head against it, peering up at Alice. She smiled back down at me as the piano notes flooded the room. I wanted to forgive her, forgive all of them, but I didn't want them to think that what they had done was trivial to me. Nothing should ever be trivial. I fought over the right thing to do, and the easy thing to do as she sang the first few lines with her eyes closed and a faint smile on her lips. When she sang of my silence, she furrowed her brows and frowned.

_"Dear friend, you are so precious, dear friend."_ She took a shaky breath and held it in. She clenched her fist and belted out the next few lines louder than before. _"Dear friend, please don't feel like you're alone. There is someone who is praying, praying for your peace of mind."_ She opened her eyes and smiled at me sadly. _"Hoping joy is what you find."_

She continued to sing beautifully, staring at me through sad but hope-filled eyes. I watched her with my head resting on my arms and felt overwhelmed by her love. I wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her I didn't blame her anymore. I glanced at Jasper and furrowed my brows. I pushed all of my love toward him and then glanced back at Alice. She gasped as she sang and shivered. Her smile grew until it seemed to reach her eyes and she glowed with happiness. I smiled back at her and nodded.

I could forgive them. I would forgive the pain they put me through, and the time spent away from me, but I wouldn't ever let them forget it. They broke my trust, and ruined a lot of things, like my family and my future. We all had a lot of ground to cover before things would ever be right again, but I was ready to open myself up and take the first step.

When she finished the song and the lights went out again, she ran to the edge of the stage and wrapped her arms around my neck. "Thank you," she whispered through a tearless sob. "Thank you, thank you, thank you. I love you so much, Bella. I've missed you."

"Thank you, that was beautiful," I whispered, squeezing her tightly, trying to put as much happiness and acceptance into a simple hug as I could.

She slowly pulled back and looked into my eyes. "These next three songs are incredibly hard for him. Just listen to the lyrics, okay?" she said in the softest whisper.

I nodded and released my arms from around her neck. She smiled back brightly before running to the box-drum.

"Can we get the special lighting for this next song please?" Jasper asked, looking up to the sound and light booth.

"Thank you. This next song… was my goodbye. The lyrics are more literal than most would think. We were at a funeral for someone very dear to us, and watched the sun set as a fire burned in her memory. There was no body to bury and no real ashes to scatter, so we watched as the smoke rose toward the heavens and the sun set over the ocean."

The audience was silent for the first time during their set as the lights dimmed. A faint blue light came on in the background as Alice beat a steady rhythm. Edward pressed a button on the keyboard and walked to the center of the stage. My eyes were glued to his figure.

He brought his hand toward his body and beat it against his chest in rhythm with the drum. _"Sometimes goodbye's the only way,"_ he sang softly. The light in the back changed to a faint yellow-orange. _"And the sun… will set for you… the sun… will set for you."_ He furrowed his brows and drew in a quick breath. _"And the shadow of the day, will embrace the world in gray,"_ he sang louder and the lights faded into a dark gray at his mention of the word_. "And the sun… will set for you…"_ He opened his fist and pressed his palm against his chest, the color of the light shifting back into an orange hue.

Every move he made was slow and drawn out, matching the tempo of the song. His voice was somber, and he looked rather distraught. My chest ached as it had when I was human and I brought my fist to my chest as I drew in a deep breath.

During the first few lines of the next verse, his face was twisted into a grimace and his body was tense. This song seemed to really cause him some kind of emotional pain. The lights shifted into a light pink-orange and the drums grew louder. _"Sometimes beginnings aren't so simple… sometimes goodbye's the only way!" _he cried out, gasping as his voice cracked on the last word. He clenched his fist and held it to his temple, tapping quickly in rhythm with the drum beat. It looked as though he were trying to hurt himself, but there wasn't enough force behind the movement to cause damage, even if he were human.

The lights shifted once more into a pink-purple and grew in intensity. _They're recreating a real sunset with the stage lights! _I gasped as Edward stretched his hand up toward the ceiling and rocked up and down on his toes like he was jumping, but never leaving the ground. It was like he was trying to reach up to Heaven. I wondered what happened at my funeral, if Renee and Phil had been there, if Charlie had said anything. My thoughts raced and my chest ached at the memories of my parents as I listened to Edward_. "And the sun… will set for you!"_ I heard him sob once, but push on to the next line.

The backlight shifted quickly to a gray once again as Edward gasped. _"And the shadow of the day… will embrace the world in gray… and the sun… will set for you,"_ he whispered. The lights faded back into a deep purple and slowly shifted into a midnight-blue. The song grew faster, reaching the crescendo, and my breath caught. Edward crumpled to the ground and curled into a ball as Jasper played a guitar solo. Garrett's grip on my hips tightened as I felt my body lunge forward out of instinct to protect Edward. I reminded myself of our surroundings and took a deep breath.

The lights slowly dimmed back into a faint gray and Edward arched back up, staring at the ceiling. _"And the shadow of the day will embrace the world in gray!"_ Edward leaned forward and dropped his gaze back down to me. _"And the sun will set for you…"_ he whispered, staring into my eyes.

The meaning of the lyrics resonated with me, and my heart felt as though it were being tugged on harshly. _He wrote this as he watched my funeral. He was my world, my sun, my moon, and when he left my whole existence became gray. Edward felt the same way. His sun set the day he thought I had died, never to rise again, just as mine had when he left._

The lights faded out completely as Alice played a soft keyboard solo, letting the last note linger. There was silence for a moment before the crowd cheered and applauded. They didn't scream and holler as they had before, but instead seemed to show their appreciation for the song.

"Thank you. These next two… I can't explain really. They are raw emotion: pain, regret, grief, and sorrow… I'm sorry, my love… so sorry." Edward retreated to the piano as Jasper put his guitar back on the stand. I watched the stage eagerly for the next song. I was already so lost in my own emotions that I could barely fathom what Edward must have been feeling, let alone Jasper being stuck between the two of us.

_How Jasper manages to play these shows with so many emotions around him is beyond me._

The stage remained entirely dark and Edward leaned into the piano. He pressed down with a fierce movement and let the notes flow effortlessly. When he began to sing, my breath caught and my hand flew to my lips. _This is the song he finished the concert with last night… the song he called out my name during. _

_"…And say…"_ he whispered. Alice joined in, playing a quick rhythm on her drum. His fingers flew across the piano as he leaned into each note_. "It's too late to apologize, it's too late!"_ he cried out, squeezing his eyes closed tightly.

_"I'd take another chance, take a fall, take a shot for you. I need you like a heart needs a beat," _he sang deeply. His voice was pained and it cracked again as he choked back a sob.

_"Sorry like the angel Heaven let me think was you_…" He paused, his fingers stilling over the piano as he took in a deep breath. He turned and looked at me with dark, sorrow-filled eyes.

_"But I'm afraid!" _he screamed out and I gasped.He leaned back into the piano, squeezing his eyes shut and pressed down on the keys passionately.

Alice and Edward began playing at the same time and he sang the chorus again, crying out the lyrics with intensity. My chest ached so badly that I clung to the ledge of the stage. His fingers moved across the ivory keys as if he was dancing, and I couldn't tear my eyes away.

The song came to a close and I stared, fixated on Edward. He slowly turned to face me in the dark and swallowed. "Please… complete silence during this song," he said softly into the microphone and the crowd quieted instantly.

I felt a giant wave of calm crash over me and I eyed Jasper curiously. He looked at me, then back to Edward, concern evident in his eyes. Jasper walked to the edge of the stage and hopped off, joining me. Alice followed him and stood on the other side of me and wrapped her arm around my waist.

"He cried during this song, Bella. We walked into the house after driving down from Alaska and heard him playing this. We've never seen him look like he did that night. He looked feral, and completely destroyed," Jasper said quietly.

My eyes grew wide as I looked back up at Edward. He was sitting very still at the piano and taking deep breaths. He slowly stretched his hands out over the keys, letting them hover above the ivory for a long moment before he played the first note. One note flowed seamlessly into the next, and soon he was playing a haunting melody. A shiver ran down my spine and I held my breath.

_"I still recall the taste, of your tears… echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. My favorite dreams of you still wash ashore…"_ he whispered. His voice was raw, and it tore at my heart. He sang like he was the only person in the entire room.

The rhythm changed slightly and the song grew louder. _"You make this all go away, you make it all go away… I just want something… I just want something I can never have…"_ He turned and stared at me but it was like he was looking right through me. His eyes were black and he looked completely empty. I could almost feel my dead heart break in two at the sight of him. He closed his dark eyes and sighed softly, continuing the haunting melody. It caused a shiver to run down my spine and my fingers dug into the wood stage, cracking it.

_"You always were the one to show me how. Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now. This thing is slowly taking me apart. Gray would be the color… if I had a heart…"_ He pressed on the keys harder, accentuating the notes as he sang the chorus louder.

I was trembling and Jasper's control was doing little for my emotions. I felt someone grip my waist tightly but I couldn't peel my eyes off of Edward to see who it was. I had to keep myself from shielding him out of instinct; I hated seeing him so distraught. The grip on my waist tightened as the song grew louder.

_"Everywhere I look… you're all I see…"_ Edward whispered painfully. He struck the next note and I could see it crack under his finger. _"Just a fading… _fucking_ reminder of who I used to be!"_ he screamed out loudly.

I gasped and reached out for him; splinters under my nails and my hand shaking. _His pain is my pain. When he hurts, I hurt._

_"You make this all go away! You make this all go away! I'm down to just one thing and I'm starting to scare myself!"_ he cried out, his voice cracking as he shook. He looked like he was so far away, in a different time and place and I could never reach him there_. "You make this all go away! You make this all go away! I just want something!"_ He sobbed, gasping for air. _"I just want something I can never have…"_

_Edward stop! Your pain is my pain, _I pleaded silently.

He gasped and his fingers stilled over the ivory keys. I felt the odd sensation of warmth and familiarity in the back of my mind, and I realized I had shielded him, but not with an independent shield… with my own shield.

_'Bella?'_ Edward thought.

_Edward!_ I jumped onto the stage and ran to him. My body collided with his and he wrapped his arms around me, holding me tightly and burying his face in my hair. I breathed in his scent and a shiver ran through me, mixing with the current from his touch.

_'Heaven could never smell so sweet… your mere existence fills me with bliss, but not nearly as much as the feel of you in my arms. My Bella…'_ he said silently.

I fell limp in his arms and let him pull me toward his chest. He lifted me from the piano bench and carried me backstage into his dressing room. I felt his chest faintly vibrating and I realized he was purring. I pressed my nose to his chest and took in another deep breath.

_Honeysuckle and rain…_

"Bella… I can still hear you, love," he said softly.

"Oh…"

I struggled with the idea of keeping my primary shield around him or not, and decided against it. I wasn't ready for him to hear my un-edited thoughts. He seemed to slump slightly as I faded the strength of my shield from him. I felt the warmth and comfort dissolve in the back of my mind and immediately missed it. Once my shield was only around me, I realized that I had heard _Edward's _thoughts. I had shielded him with my personal, primary shield, and it allowed me to hear what he was thinking. _Did he realize that? Should I say anything?_ Before I could open my mouth to mention it, Edward spoke.

"I won't ask you what you're thinking… but I am curious as to what you are feeling." He brushed a strand of my hair behind my ear and pulled me tighter toward his chest. The electric current flowed through me each time he adjusted his hold, or touched me. I shivered again at the feeling and sighed. I felt so light, and my chest didn't ache at all. My breathing came easily and it felt refreshing to fill my lungs with his scent.

"Confused. Scared. Hurt. Angry. Happy. Hopeful." I mumbled each word and closed my eyes.

"I can live with the last two, but can you explain the others for me?" He gently stroked my spine, his fingertips gliding over my bare back. _It's good to know Garrett's taste in clothing brought me some comfort tonight._

"I'm confused because I have so many thoughts and emotions running through me right now. I'm scared you're going to leave or lie to me again. I'm hurt because you're hurt. I can't explain it, but every time you seemed like you were in pain, my chest ached. I'm angry because you lied, and I can't forgive you for that. I can't believe you yet, and I want to so badly. I want nothing more than to trust you, but you broke me, Edward." I swallowed again, choking back the sobs that threatened to betray my strength and clutched his shirt tightly in my hand.

"Bella…" he said softly. The way my name rolled off his tongue brought back so many memories and I had to fight being drowned by them. I tensed and he seemed to notice. "Bella," he said more firmly.

I opened my eyes and looked up at him through my lashes. _Don't hurt me again, _I pleaded silently, but I knew he couldn't hear me.He continued to lightly stroke my skin, soothing me and holding my gaze.

"I'm sorry I lied to you. I can never take that back and it hurts so much to know that I can't erase those words from our history. I'm so sorry, Bella. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I'll repeat the words until the end of time. I'll sit at your feet and plead for as long as you will grace me with your presence. I'll do anything for you, Isabella. Yet, I know that it will never be enough. I know that I can never earn your forgiveness, but I pray that someday I can regain your trust, and I will strive for that for as long as I exist," Edward whispered, staring into my eyes and pleading with me.

My heart felt heavy again and my head was foggy. I tried to breathe but just gasped. The scent of his breath as he spoke filled my lungs and I whimpered. He gripped my waist tightly and held a hand to my cheek, cradling my face in his palm.

"Bella… please talk to me. Can I do anything to ever regain your trust?" he said gently, stroking his thumb along my cheekbone.

I swallowed and closed my eyes, biting on my lower lip for a second. "I don't know. I don't know what to say. I'm so confused and hurt; you crushed my heart," I whispered. Edward's thumb stopped moving and I could hear him swallow and take a shaky breath. I opened my eyes and looked back up at him. "You broke me the day you left; my heart, my soul, my spirit, my trust. I _honestly_ believe that we are meant for each other. I do. But my heart hurts so much sometimes, with and without you by my side. I don't know how to repair the damage. It's not just your lies; it's what you thought of me."

"What do you mean? I loved you! I still do. How can you say—"

"No, let me finish," I said, pressing a finger to his lips. His smooth skin brushed against mine and he puckered his lips gently, kissing my finger as he nodded. I smiled faintly at the gesture and took a deep breath, lowering my hand to his chest and gripping his shirt. "You said that you didn't want me, that I wasn't good for you. Yes, they may have been lies, but you never thought of my love as equal to yours. You always thought I loved you with as much as a human could manage, as much as an infatuation, or fleeting desire. I loved you more than that! I loved you just as much as you loved me, and you walked away!

"Don't you see that it didn't matter if I was human or not? We're _connected_, Edward. Our souls are joined, and it didn't matter who was human and who was a mythical creature; that kind of love is unbreakable. _Our _kind of love is unbreakable.

"I've never stopped loving you. I hate you for how much you hurt me and how you belittled me, throwing my feelings away, but I _still_ love you. I _still_ ache when you're away, and I still hurt when you're in pain. You cried when you thought I had died, and I cried when I was near you again. We both cried at the parting, and re-uniting of our souls. Don't you see that?" I pleaded with my eyes for him to see, to understand. My fingers dug into his shirt firmly, creating little slits from my fingernails. I ached to touch his skin, to feel the current, but my head told me to be still and wait for him to respond.

Edward's eyes were like black pools of sorrow. He stared at me, his eyebrows gathering more and more as he processed what I had said. He nodded stiffly and took in a shallow breath.

"I'm sorry, Bella—"

"Stop apologizing!" I screamed in frustration. His shirt ripped in my fists as I tugged and took a deep breath. "Three words won't change anything, Edward, and the more you say them, the less meaning they hold."

He nodded and blinked, taking a shaky breath before trying to speak again. "You're right. Saying it won't get us anywhere. I made a mistake, a lot actually, and I'm going to have to pay for them for eternity. I never meant to belittle you, or make you feel that your love was not as strong as mine. I realize the error of my ways and I'm trying to learn from it. I'm trying to be a better man for you, and listen to you. I was always pressing my decisions on you and never letting you know what was going on. I sheltered you, and I never meant for that. I didn't know how to protect you without locking you away or leaving entirely. I made rash decisions without your input, and I was condescending. I apologize, and I'm trying to make up for that.

"I won't be perfect overnight, and I won't promise to not make the same mistakes, but I _can_ promise to try, _every day_, and I'll listen to you. I can promise to love you, unconditionally, and include you in every decision, weighing your opinion just as heavily as my own. I can promise to try to be a better man for you, Isabella; earning your trust and respect. I can promise to always show you the respect and privacy that you deserve and need.

"Please, Bella, give me a chance to show you that I can be what you want, and what you need."

I closed my eyes and leaned my forehead against his. I breathed in his scent; his breath washing over me and distracting me. His hand slid down my back again with a feather-light touch and I shivered. I weighed the decision heavily, and felt my chest ache. My heart pulled me one direction, while my head pulled me in the other. No one could tell me what to do or make my decision for me. I took in a deep breath, the taste of him tickling at the back of my throat, and nodded.

"Okay," I whispered.

"Okay?"

"Okay."

"I could fly," he whispered and I smiled faintly. My heart felt instantly lighter and the weight on my chest seemed to lift again. "May I kiss you, Isabella?"

My breath caught and I swallowed. I hesitated, trying to tell myself that it was too soon, that is wasn't safe, but my heart betrayed my mind and I nodded. His fingers curled around the exposed skin of my hip as his other hand held my cheek, rubbing along my jaw gently. I smelled his sweet breath, and felt the moist air as he exhaled against my lips. I fisted his torn shirt and pulled him toward me slightly as my other hand snaked behind his neck and slid into his hair.

Our skin touched and we each gasped as we parted our lips, allowing the other entrance. My lip ring turned between us as I felt his tongue glide across my lower lip. He took my lower lip in his teeth gently and sucked it between his own. His tongue slid over my ring, and he slowly released my bottom lip, still holding the ring gently between his teeth.

I moaned softly and slid my hand further into his hair and gripped it tighter. He moaned in response and released my lip ring, pressing his head against my forehead and taking shallow breaths before moving toward my lips once more. He crashed into them with more force and his tongue slid into my mouth. I moaned at the feeling of his soft flesh dancing against mine completely un-prohibited.

I gripped his hair tighter and tugged, pulling him closer. My chest heaved as I gasped for air out of habit, breathing in his scent instead. He pressed his nails into the flesh at my hips and I moaned – squirming beneath his hands, trying to get closer to him.

He moaned louder and slowly pulled back as his thumb stroked my jaw. I whimpered at the loss of his touch as he kissed me gently on the forehead. "How I've missed you," he purred, pressing his lips to each eyelid gently.

"It never lasts long enough," I whimpered.

He chuckled and pulled me into his arms tightly, squeezing me against his chest as he kissed the top of my head. "We have eternity, my love. It never has to end," he whispered.

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**A/N: **-random incoherent screams- I know, right? Alright. SPILL! I want opinions, ideas, comments, anything! TALK!

**Important side note:** The next chapter may take two weeks. I have finals coming up, and lots of homework. I also have written this entire story with a 5 chapter 'buffer'... which... is now gone. You guys are caught up, and I only have the next chapter written. So, I need to catch up, and finish my finals. I'll be back soon though, I promise. At least I left you with a kiss! And I hope you all leave me tons of comments to keep me company, because we all know that homework is not good company.

**Song question for the chapter:** _(Thanks to Suntitan!)_ What one song has just been played to death, and you used to love but have grown sick of? I wouldn't be surprised if one of these concert songs is on your list. It's on mine!

_Much love to everyone, you guys make this experience amazing._


	24. Ch 20: Harmony

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A/N: **BlahBlahBlah, and OCDMess – Thank you! BlahBlahBlah is my amazing Beta, and she helps me catch so much shit I'm too dumb to realize. And OCDMess is my wife, and sometimes pre-reads things for me. Thanks to Zeraphim for pre-reading this chapter, and helping with the storyline in the future a bit. =)

Last chapter I asked what song had been played to death for you. My answer: Nine Inch Nails - Closer. I love NIN, but I hate closer. sigh. Thanks a lot, radio.

This chapter's music:

_Hana Pestle - Need__  
Seether - Broken (featuring Amy Lee) _

_All of the chapter specific music: http:/www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred_

This chapter is dedicated to Emilie, Mayra, and James. My three constants._  
_

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**Chapter 20  
BPOV  
Wednesday, August 2nd, 2006**

My pen flew across the page as words left my mind and solidified in ebony on ivory. The fingers on my left hand twitched as the melody in my head begged to be played. The silence was finally broken as I quietly sang the somber words on the paper.

_"I'm not quite sure how to breathe, without you here. I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to say goodbye, to all we were. Be with me, stay with me, just for now. Let the time decide when i won't need you."_ The words came to me as easily as breathing. My head swayed back and forth as the emotions of the song flowed through me.

I took a shaky breath, inhaling the fresh morning air as the wind ruffled through the trees_. _I closed my eyes and hummed the melody, letting the next chain of words come to me, and quickly wrote them down. As the pen scratched against the paper, I heard faint footsteps in the distance. I reached out with my mind and protected Garrett as he drew nearer.

I continued to write lyrics as I listened to him walking at a human's pace. Before long, the scent of clove floated toward me and my lips turned up. I finished with the song and closed the notebook, resting it on my knees as I leaned back against the tree. "Have they packed and left already?"

"They were leaving when I came to get you. Carlisle said to let you know that he and Esme will be joining the others for the remainder of the tour."

"That won't cause complications at the hospital, will it?"

"Honestly, I don't think he was concerned about that. They'd be willing to move for you at the drop of a hat, Little-Bit."

I sighed and nodded, looking at him for the first time. He took a drag from his clove cigarette and smiled. He offered me his hand out of chivalry, and I took it. He flicked his cigarette to the side and leaned down to kiss the top of my hand. I smiled back at him, pulling my notebook to my chest tightly. He released my hand and slid his arm around my waist as we began to walk back to the hotel.

It had been four days since our second show. We had another concert scheduled tomorrow night in Grand Prairie, Alberta and I was feeling slightly nervous. Lyrics had been flowing out of me so easily the last few days that I'd filled up an entire notebook and part of another. I suppose my confusion and mixed feelings had a lot to do with it, but I wasn't one to complain about a good thing.

While I was a vampire and enjoyed the exhilaration of running, I still preferred moving at a human pace. Garrett walked beside me, my shoulder tucked against him and my thumb resting in his belt loop. We walked in harmony for a few miles before the hotel came into view. We made our way up the stairs and into our room. I grabbed the packed bag from the bed, turned off the light and followed Garrett back into the hallway. We put the luggage in the back of the SUV and made our way out of town.

I hummed and wrote, occasionally turning on the radio to fill the silence as Garrett drove. The twenty hour drive went by rather quickly and by sunrise, we had arrived at the new hotel. The next show was scheduled at a venue nine blocks away, and we were conveniently located right next to a forested area. Maurice had done his homework.

We carried our bags inside, checked into the hotel room and made our way to the suite. Once inside, I set the luggage down by the closet, walked to the window and curled up on the chair. Garrett quickly unpacked and kissed the top of my head before leaving the room. I felt him go out of range a few minutes later and assumed he was headed to the venue to help the others, or going for a hunt.

I sat in front of the window for hours, watching the sky shift colors and the world continue without me dozens of feet below. I was lost somewhere in the confines of my mind, behind the place that holds my memories and where I register my emotions. I remained motionless in the chair, letting the day pass me by. As the clouds filtered the light of the sunset, new words drifted into my mind. My fingers began to tap a rhythm against the armrest as my eyes closed. I could see the notes on paper and feel the keys under my fingertips as the song came to life in my head.

_"Because I'm broken when I'm open and I don't feel like I am strong enough. Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away."_ The words came out in a whisper, and I hummed the continuing rhythm echoing inside me.

"You've been somewhere faraway," a voice said from across the room.

I opened my eyes and saw Jasper leaning against a glass, floor-to-ceiling window with a faint smile on his lips. I nodded once, watching him closely. His hands were clasped behind his back loosely, and one leg was bent, crossing the other in a casual stance.

"How long have you been standing there?" I asked in a hushed voice.

"About six hours. The others came back from the venue and realized you hadn't moved since you got here. You had everyone worried for a while."

I frowned and thought about the time I had spent sitting here. I was so lost in thought I honestly wasn't surprised that I hadn't noticed them come in. "I'm sorry I worried everyone," I mumbled.

Jasper pushed away from the glass gently and strode to the sofa across from me. He sat down and leaned forward, looking me directly in the eyes. "Are you alright, Bella?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Your emotions… they're… well, I'd really rather hear it from you, if you don't mind."

I frowned again and looked back out the window. "I'm just thinking."

"About?"

I sighed and closed my eyes, the town and sky slowly going black. I felt for other minds nearby but didn't sense any I recognized. "Edward."

"You can talk to me, you know. I may be Edward's brother, but I think of you as a sister. I've had years of experience keeping him out of my mind. Your thoughts will be safe with me."

I nodded and opened my eyes. "I'm just mixed with emotions: desires, fears. I've never done this, you know? Fallen in love… had my heart broken… died… found love again. I don't know how soon is too soon, and how long is too long."

"Where do you go when you're lost in thought like this? Your emotions are so faint, and you have this sense of serenity radiating around you."

"I retreat into my mind. I don't know how else to explain it."

"Try for me, please?" He scooted forward on the couch, barely sitting on the edge. He reached toward me, letting his hand hover in the air.

I reached out slowly and took his hand, letting the feeling of calm envelop me. "When Victoria bit me, I slipped into unconsciousness for a short time but woke up before Garrett got there. When I awoke, everything was like a dream; blurry around the edges and muffled. I could hear myself thinking. Not like normal, but like an overtone of myself thinking out loud in my own head. It was the strangest feeling. I quickly realized that when I focused on my thoughts, the burning wasn't as intense. I was able to hear Garrett as he spoke to me during the entire drive to Alaska. Well, until the pain got really bad, anyway. Once the venom started to burn my different organs, I really had to focus to keep the pain away." I dropped Jasper's hand and looked back out the window.

"When the venom reached my brain, it was like I was locked out of my own head. Every single memory, thought, and sensation flashed through me. I was forced to watch and feel my entire life as my mind was rebuilt. When the last of my blood burned away from my brain and the change moved to my heart, I was able to retreat to my mind again but couldn't block out the pain. The ache in my chest was worse than anything I had ever felt, and I heard the last few beats of my heart." I turned and looked into his golden eyes.

"Bella… that must have been excruciating. I can't even imagine. I'm so sorry."

"The rhythm to our opening song, _Running up That Hill, _is my heart beat just before I died. I wrote that song that day; after I nearly killed Garrett for not destroying me when I was first bitten."

Jasper pushed feelings of admiration and calm towards me. "So you can retreat deeper into your mind, losing yourself in thought and blocking everyone out? That's incredible."

"Nearly everyone. You said you still get subtle impressions of my feelings."

"I do… but they haven't made sense for the last few hours. You went back and forth between regret and longing. Occasionally you would go through a few minutes muddled emotions I couldn't decipher." Jasper leaned back against the couch, scooting over slightly to one side and patting the seat next to him.

I smiled and got up to join him. I sat with my feet underneath me and leaned against the armrest. "I was thinking about what to do, like I said earlier."

"About Edward," he clarified.

I nodded and looked down at my hands.

"Well, what does your heart tell you?" he asked.

"That I love him with every part of my being. It hurts to be away from him or see him in pain." I tugged at my lip ring and avoided Jasper's gaze.

"And your head?"

"To take it slow. He might hurt me again."

"Edward may be stubborn and a bit ignorant, but he isn't stupid. I think the only reason he has left your side since he found you again is because you wouldn't want him around twenty-four seven. He is consumed with guilt, regret and self-loathing; it nearly overpowers his love for you… but it doesn't. He's not going anywhere, Bella. The sooner you come to trust that, the sooner the two of you can move on."

"I know. I'm trying." I closed my eyes and thought about how this entire chain of events happened. I had been at the record store, broken-hearted and filled with sorrow. Then Garrett came into my life and helped distract me from that pain, but it was always there… in the back of my mind. When Victoria came back and I awoke as a vampire, I was filled with anger at Garrett for letting me complete the change. What would I had done if I had hurt him? Where would we be now if I hadn't let him talk me into playing our music? I felt Jasper's hand touch my knee and I opened my eyes quickly, confused.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. I'll leave." Jasper turned to get up but I held my hand out, tugging on his fingers.

"I'm sorry, stay. I'm not upset with you. I was just remembering when I was changed and everything that happened the week before and after. I didn't mean for you to get the wrong impression about my emotions. It didn't occur to me that you would think I was mad at you."

"Why were you angry when you awoke?"

"I never wanted this life if I couldn't have Edward by my side. I actually made Garrett swear he would kill me if anything ever happened to me. He broke that promise, and I was extremely emotional after the change."

"I can understand that. Newborns usually are. They often shift through fear, confidence, anger and excitement within seconds. Your change in emotions would be expected by anyone who had been around newborns before."

"Jasper… will you tell me what others go through when they change?" I asked after a moment of silence.

Jasper was quiet for a few minutes. "Do you remember what it was like at the Ballet Studio?"

"Yes, but James barely bit me then."

"Describe it for me."

"Alright… it felt like fire and ice running through my veins, waging a war. Like, if I closed my eyes for a few seconds I would lose all sense of who I was. I heard everyone speaking, but I couldn't tell who they were. I… I actually thought that Edward and Carlisle were angels. Just before I slipped into unconsciousness, I remember feeling my entire body tense at the sensation of pins and needles. Then everything went black."

"That blackness… it's all consuming. That fire and ice sensation continues for the duration of the change as it flows into different organs and takes control of your body. The human mind can't fathom something so extreme, so it's left to just process the pain. It's like a sensory overload. Time passes rather quickly because the pain blurs together. The person usually screams once the venom attacks the central nervous system, and continues until the first stage is complete. When the venom attacks the mind, the person is usually silent because they slip into a deep state of unconsciousness, balancing between life and death. At this point, the body begins to regenerate its strength before the venom goes for the heart. For the last twelve hours, the person is usually in a sleep-like state and completely unaware. When they wake, they're a vampire."

"Why do you think my change was so different?" I asked, staring into Jasper's eyes.

"I think it has to do with how your mind works. You're always so reserved, contemplative. Edward could never read your mind as a human – that's just proof that it has something to do with your mind. Then your talent on top of it all," Jasper said as he leaned in closer, taking my hand in his.

"So I really am broken," I mumbled, looking away with a sigh.

"You aren't broken, Bella. You're anything but, actually. You have an amazing mind. A vampire's talent manifests itself within the first hour of their change. If you slipped into unconsciousness and then woke up from it completely coherent, that was your talent taking over. For the duration of your change, you shielded yourself out of instinct. I think your shield has more possibilities than anyone realizes right now." Jasper squeezed my hand gently before standing and walking to the window.

I turned my torso so I could watch him. I shifted my feet from under me, and laid on my stomach, propping my arms up on the armrest. "What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"Could you shield any of the people walking down there if you wanted to?" he asked calmly.

"Yes. Why do you ask?" I stood from the couch and joined him in front of the window. I didn't like shielding strangers; the presence of them in my mind didn't feel safe or comfortable.

"What do you physically do when you shield someone?"

"I feel for their mind and focus on protecting them, basically."

"No, I need more of an explanation than that."

"Wha—"

"For example, when I influence someone's emotions, I can project it specifically at them if I focus, but it's easier to just feel the emotion and let it overtake me as I push it out. It will affect anyone around me. If I'm taking in strong emotions, like sorrow or lust, it's hard to not project it out. The more intense the emotion, the harder it is to contain it. I can draw a person's feelings from them and replace it with something else, if I wish. That served particularly useful with newborns. But when I project onto a specific person, I have to reach out for the nuance, or as Garrett calls it, their core. I focus on that part of them and visualize a wave of energy flowing from me to them."

"I understand. It's similar for me. I can sense a person's mind, or core, and recognize the feeling of it. I can tell Garrett is around without hearing or smelling him at all. He puts off a specific energy that my mind recognizes. It's practically instinct to shield him now. I reach out for the familiarity and envision a barrier encasing their mind. I focus on protecting them, and then I adjust the strength of the barrier. I can always sense that energy in the back of my mind, and regulate how strong it is; the stronger the presence in my mind, the stronger the shield. It's like they are tied to me for protection."

Jasper nodded as he looked out the window at the city. "And what about your own shield? How does that work? You said the other night that you have two." He turned, leaning his shoulder against the glass, and watched me closely.

I nodded subtly and bit my lower lip. "It's similar, but different. When I was changing, I hid behind my shield to protect me from the physical pain. When I focus on physical pain, it weakens my shield; the weaker my protection, the stronger the pain. I've found that certain memories and emotions cause me this kind of pain…"

"Such as thinking of Edward, or when you were alone," Jasper finished for me.

I nodded and sighed, looking down at my feet. "Sometimes I can focus on my thoughts, pushing my emotions away until I'm numb. That's when I enter a trance-like state and stare off into space."

"Like this afternoon," he said. I nodded once again and looked back out the window. Jasper followed my gaze as he leaned against the glass. "What about focusing your thoughts on someone else? Not like when you shield them instinctively, but with your own shield. Would you be willing to try that with me?"

"What do you think will happen? I only know how to shift its strength, not its location." I turned and looked at him curiously. While that was the truth, it wasn't the whole truth. I didn't think admitting the fact that I had already done this once with Edward was the wisest thing to say. That moment on stage when Edward was finishing their set, I had brought Edward into my own shield and heard _his _thoughts. I didn't know if that meant I had tapped into his mind and used his power as well, or if that meant that having him in my head granted me access to his.

"I think you may be able to tap into their mind somehow or maybe the other way around. Of course, it would be best if tested with another mental ability, but we could practice until you feel comfortable letting Edward in."

I stared down at the people in the town, watching them cross the streets and enter stores. I would tell Jasper what had happened eventually, confirming his theories, but not now. I debated if I was ready to let anyone in or not, and what it could mean if I did. If Edward learned I had let his brother in but not him, how would he react? It was bad enough that he was jealous of Garrett, and I didn't want to divide his family just because I wasn't ready to let Edward in.

"You don't have to answer right now. I can sense your changing emotions. The others should be returning soon anyway, so we wouldn't be trying right away. Think about it and let me know when you make a decision, no matter the outcome." Jasper smiled at me and looked back down at the town.

In the distance I could see Alice and Edward walking along the sidewalk. I glanced at Jasper, concerned. "Should I shield you… with my secondary, I mean? I – I don't think I'm ready for Edward to know any of this."

"You can if you want. It might make him curious. I have experience with keeping him out. I think the only two people better at it than me are Alice and Carlisle. Never tell a secret to Emmett though unless you plan on shielding him for eternity," Jasper said with a grin.

I laughed for the first time in days and nodded. "Thanks for the advice." I reached out for Jasper's mind, pulling it into a protective shield and strengthening the connection in my mind. Jasper smiled and bowed his head, recognizing the sensation. "We can just say that I'm practicing shielding more than just Garrett constantly to see how long I can hold it."

"And the reason why you're shielding me in particular?"

"Because… it will allow you to keep an eye on my emotions when I lose focus of things around me."

"Sounds good enough for me." Jasper looked out the window, his eyes following his mate and his brother as they approached the hotel.

Edward looked up at the two of us and our eyes connected. I smiled faintly, watching as Alice chatted away to her brother. Edward smiled brightly and began walking faster. I chuckled softly, turned away from the window and walked toward to the bed. I leaned on the edge and watched Jasper at the window as his grin grew wider.

"Alice is excited about something, and Edward just shifted from annoyed to hopeful. Amazing what a smile can do, isn't it?" he said as he turned to glance at me.

I nodded and looked down at my feet. I felt Garrett's presence and immediately shielded him. "Where did everyone go?"

"Alice, Edward, Emmett, and Rose all went to the venue to check it out. Esme and Carlisle went hunting over an hour ago and should be back before midnight. I think Garrett went hunting as well, but I'm not certain. He didn't say anything to any of us."

"Hmm. And earlier? They couldn't have been at the venue for over six hours."

"No, earlier they went hunting and called Maurice when they first got here. Maurice wanted to know how the 'other band' was doing, since he hadn't heard from you or Garrett." Jasper glanced back out the window and smiled.

I could sense Alice and Edward close by, but I smelled Garrett. I turned to look at the door and waited. After nearly a minute, Garrett slipped in the door and paused. "What?" he asked.

"Where have you been all afternoon?" I asked playfully.

"I had to get you a new outfit, didn't I? I also figured you could use some more notebooks and pens, the way you've been writing lately." Garrett walked toward me, setting his shopping bags down on the bed, and smiled innocently.

I glanced at Jasper and arched an eyebrow. "I think we know why Alice is so excited; she probably saw that she has a new shopping partner."

Jasper chuckled and nodded. He walked toward Garrett and placed a hand on his shoulder. "Good luck. You'll need it."

The door opened again and Alice came bounding in with Edward behind her. "Hey! I resent that!" She stood up on her tip-toes to give Jasper a kiss and beamed. Edward rolled his eyes and nodded a hello to Garrett before looking at me and smiling.

"Hello," I said quietly.

"Hi," Edward replied.

Garrett, Alice and Jasper all exchanged looks before leaving the room quietly. I laughed at their attempt to be subtle and patted the edge of the bed. Edward looked at the spot then back up at me, uncertain.

"Are you sure you want to be around me?" he asked quietly.

"I wouldn't have asked you to stay if I wasn't."

Edward slowly took a seat on the edge of the bed beside me. There was at least a foot of space between us, but I could feel the electricity in the air sending a shiver down my spine.

"I can't hear Jasper's thoughts. Should I be concerned?" Edward asked.

"No. I decided I should try shielding more than just Garrett, build up a tolerance or something like that. He said it was hard for him to sense my emotions when I was zoned out earlier. Maybe this will make it easier for him so I don't cause everyone to worry," I explained, hoping he bought it.

Edward nodded slowly, looking down at his hands in his lap. "I understand, I guess."

"Not knowing what everyone is thinking bothers you, doesn't it?"

"Am I that transparent?" he asked, glancing in my direction.

I nodded once and smiled. He shrugged, looking back down. "I'm used to my family blocking me when they don't want me knowing something, but to be completely locked out of their minds is a little unsettling."

"Are you mad?" I asked.

"No. I understand, and it makes sense. We were all worried about you." Edward slowly looked at me, his concern evident in his eyes.

I reached out, slowly slipping my fingers between his and squeezing gently. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

Edward stared at our joined hands for a long moment before nodding. He squeezed back gently and smiled. "Thank you."

"For what?"

"For this," he said, squeezing again. "And for letting someone in, even if it isn't me." He closed his eyes and rubbed his thumb over my knuckle as he held my hand. "May I ask you something?"

I nodded but realized he couldn't see me. "Yes," I answered.

"What happened earlier?"

I sighed, closing my eyes and tugging on my lip ring. I knew he would ask, but I still didn't know how to answer. After a long stretch of silence, Edward spoke again, "You don't have to tell me. I'm sorry for prying."

"No, it's not that. I just don't know what to say, really. I was basically lost in thought. I kind of lost touch with everything around me. I'm sorry it worried everyone. I'll try not to let it happen again. That's partially why I'm shielding Jasper, so he can possibly sense it happening next time."

"If you don't mind my asking… what were you thinking about?"

I swallowed and opened my eyes, turning to look at him. His amber eyes were glowing and his eyebrows were furrowed with concern.

"You," I whispered. I watched his face fall with sorrow as he looked down at our hands.

"I'm sorry, Bella. I know you hate hearing that, but I feel helpless not saying it whenever I can." He shook his head and sighed heavily.

"Hey," I whispered, placing a finger under his chin and lifting his face to look at me. "I didn't say I was thinking bad things," I said with a smile.

He stared at me, his lips slowly turning up.

"I've been thinking of how we have a second chance to make this work, and this time we're on an even playing field."

"What do you mean?"

"I always felt inadequate in our relationship when I was human. You had to protect me and make the sacrifices. I felt I couldn't compete with your world… but now we're the same. You don't have to protect me; we can just focus on our lives… together."

"Bella, I'm always going to want to protect you. That will never change. I can't lose you again."

"You can't walk around trying to keep me out of trouble, either. I'm not the clumsy, brown-eyed girl you remember. I've changed."

Edward sighed and tugged his hair with his free hand, resting his forehead against his palm. "I know that. I'm trying. I'm sorry. It's going to take some getting used to. Vampires aren't used to change."

I took a deep breath, focusing on my emotions and trying not to get angry with him. He was always overbearing and protective of me; it would take him awhile to get used to the fact that I could probably protect him more than he could me. I had been struggling all day with how quickly I wanted things to progress between Edward and me. I missed him, a lot, but I also didn't want to fall back into the way things were. I knew the worst was over, and that we could take things slowly… but a small part of me didn't want to. The teenage part of me wanted to hold him close, kiss away his pain, and never let him go.

"What are you thinking?" he asked softly, stroking the back of my hand again.

"The lyrics I wrote earlier, I suppose… amongst other things." I focused on his skin touching mine and the electric current humming through my body. We were both the same shade of alabaster now, and his touch felt warm instead of cold. I marveled at the sensation for a few moments before Edward spoke again.

"Do you think you would be willing to share them with me?" he asked quietly. He sounded shy and reserved. I glanced up at him. He looked nervous and uncertain.

"If you think you really want to," I mumbled.

"I would. Your lyrics are beautiful… painful, but beautiful. They give me insight into your thoughts and feelings, and I feel like I understand a little bit more after hearing them."

I let go of his hand and stood to retrieve my notebook. I flipped through the pages until I found the recent lyrics and realized I hadn't written down the words from earlier. I took the pen out of the metal spiral casing and scribbled the newest words on the next page. I crawled back onto the bed, crossing my legs under me and sitting beside Edward. He turned to face me, putting one leg underneath him and smiling at me. I handed him the notebook and bit my lip nervously. I watched eagerly as his eyes examined the pages quickly.

"Do you have a rhythm in mind for any of these?" he asked with his eyes still on the page.

"Yeah… most of them anyway. The last two specifically. I wrote those today and yesterday. The newest one is just the chorus though. I haven't figured out the verses yet."

"May I… hear it?" His voice was soft and smooth, but I could see the hesitation on his face.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. _Can I share myself this openly with him? _I thought about it for a while, running through the different ways to back out of this situation, but eventually I realized that I had to take a step sooner or later. I held my breath as I searched for the song in the back of my mind.

I began hum the opening quietly and envisioned the flow of the verse that had yet to come to me. I swayed on the bed slightly and opened my eyes as I sang the chorus. _"Because I'm broken when I'm open and I don't feel like I am strong enough. Because I'm broken when I'm lonesome and I don't feel right when you're gone away."_ I belted out the words, my eyes fixed on Edward's, and felt the weight on my heart lift.

Edward smiled as the last word left my lips. I stopped humming and stared at him curiously. "What?"

"Everyone's going crazy. They want to know what's going on," he said with amusement.

"What are they thinking?" I asked with a grin, quietly chuckling.

"Alice is frustrated that she can't get a vision very clearly since your shield keeps her from seeing anything involved with you at the time. Emmett is excited he gets to hear you singing again; he truly enjoyed your show the other night… we all did. Rose is… well, Rose; that's a story for another day. Esme and Carlisle are concerned, but excited that we're talking instead of shouting."

"Have they been able to hear us this whole time?" I asked, slightly embarrassed.

"No, you sang much louder than we've been talking. They're all curious, now. Oh, and Alice is irritated you're shielding Jasper. She can't see his future clearly."

I laughed loudly and grinned. My talent would definitely make surprising her easier. I went back to humming the song and smiled at the ideas running through my head, knowing she would never see them. I closed my eyes and the tickling feeling of words pushed at the back of my mind. I looped my humming back to the beginning and tapped out a gentle rhythm on my thighs. I could feel Edward's gaze on me but kept my eyes closed and focused on the emotions of the song.

_"I wanted you to know, that I love the way you laugh. I want to hold you high, and steal your pain away…"_ Edward's smooth voice flowed from his lips perfectly and my breath caught. He was beating out a similar rhythm on his legs as he sang his own lyrics to my melody. He sang another line of the verse and I trembled at their meaning. I opened my eyes and stared into his passionately. _He's singing to me._

_"Because I'm broken, when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right when you're gone away." _His voice was like silk, smooth and easy, and he sang with a passion and intensity that made my whole body feel weak. My hands stumbled over the rhythm and I swallowed, taking a deep breath as I let the words in the back of my mind flow out of me uncensored.

_"The worst is over now, and we can breathe again. I want to hold you high; you steal my pain away. There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight. I want to hold you high and steal your pain."_ I stared deep into his eyes as they shifted from solid amber into liquid ebony. My voice carried and I could hear gasps from a few rooms over. I smiled as I watched him exhale with relief. I reached for his hands, stopping both of our rhythms, and squeezed tightly.

_"Because I'm broken when I'm open, and I don't feel like I am strong enough. Because I'm broken, when I'm lonesome, and I don't feel right when you're gone away,"_ we sang in unison, our voices melding together in harmony; his low and powerful, mine high and uplifting.

He leaned forward and wrapped an arm around my shoulder to comfort me. The simple touch was all I needed to throw away any hesitations I had about being so near to him. I threw myself into his arms and sobbed quietly. His other arm wrapped around me and he was squeezing me tightly to his chest. "Shh… Bella. I'm here. Please, don't cry. I hate seeing you in pain," he whispered into my ear. His nose brushed against my earlobe and a shiver ran down my spine. I tugged on my lower lip to I stifle my whimpers.

"I'm not hurting, Edward… I'm anything but." I hugged him tighter, as if I could crawl inside of him. I fidgeted slightly as I pulled my legs closer. He moved his knees lower, allowing me to crawl into his lap. I wrapped my legs around his waist and sighed heavily, pressing my cheek to his. "I've missed you…"

The feeling of his breath against my neck was amazing and intense. I stifled another whimper as I felt him smile against my jaw. He nuzzled my chin and sighed softly. "I feel complete with you in my arms. I've missed you so much," he whispered. He stroked my back gently, running a hand along my spine while the other gripped my waist.

I slid one hand up to the back of his neck, letting my fingers tangle into his hair as I breathed in his scent. I closed my eyes and a moan escaped my lips. His skin was warm, soft, perfect, and his chest vibrated gently with his own moan of pleasure. I dug my fingers into his shoulder blade gently with my other hand, pressing myself against him.

"God, Bella…" he whimpered.

I smiled inwardly at his reaction and buried my face into his neck. He kissed my temple, letting his lips linger against my hair as he took in a deep breath. I giggled quietly at the giddy emotions that reminded me that I was still a teenage girl in love for the first time.

I felt his lips spread into a smile. "What?" he whispered against my temple.

"Nothing," I said amusedly.

He pulled back slightly, looking into my eyes and I groaned at the distance he had put between us.

"No, what? You never giggle."

"It's just still so surreal to me. Garrett and I get this gig less than thirty-six hours before we're scheduled to go on stage. He pushes me to do it, and I agree reluctantly. I find out after the show that the headlining band is my Vampire ex-boyfriend and his brother and sister. And then five days later, I'm in his arms again. It just feels like it's all a dream… or it's moving too fast for me to really put it all into perspective." I leaned forward and buried my face in his chest. He sat motionless with me pressed against him and I grew concerned I said something wrong.

"I can… not be so close if you'd prefer," he said very calmly, but somberly.

I looked up, studying his expression. "What do you mean?"

"You said that this was all moving too fast. I didn't mean to press you into something you aren't comfortable with. I'm sorry if I've been too forward." He swallowed and looked away.

"I threw myself in your arms, Edward, not the other way around. I do think we need to take this all slowly, and I'm sorry if I'm sending mixed signals right now, but I didn't mean it like that. I was referring to the whole chain of events this last week. I…" I paused, thinking before I spoke for once. I leaned forward, pressing my forehead against his, and waited for him to look at me. When our eyes connected I smiled slightly. "I want this, Edward. You just have to be patient with me."

He lifted his hand to my jaw, running a finger across my skin gently, and nodded. "I'll give you all the time you need. I'll never leave you again. I promise." He closed his eyes slowly and leaned in, pressing his lips to mine gently. Our skin touched and I parted my lips, allowing him further access. His tongue pressed against mine and he tasted sweet… delicious. I moaned quietly as I kissed him, wanting nothing more than to let him know how much I wanted him. I was afraid of him disappearing again, and a part of me wanted to cling to him, getting as much of him as I could before he left. My mind and heart battled as I lost all sense of myself, pressed against Edward Cullen and reveling in the taste of his lips.

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**A/N: OMG I'm ALIVE! **I'm surprised you guys haven't killed me yet for dissapearing for so long. Alright, so I passed my finals. YAY! I have five classes left to take before I graduate with my Bachelors, and I have 3 weeks off. I plan on doing nothing but reading, writing, and sleeping! If you want teasers for the upcoming chapter, or just to see how the process is going, follow me on twitter at - Ailisraevyn

I also ramble a lot, a bullshit with OCDMess. We've been told we're highly amusing.

I love hearing from you guys, so feel free to leave me your thoughts, comments, questions, etc in a review or PM. I respond to everyone. Promise!

The next chapter may take over a week, as I have to get crackin at it, I have no chapters 'left in the bag' so to speak. I promise I won't disappear this long though!**  
**

**All of the chapter specific music: http:/www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred**

**Song question for the chapter: **What song or band helped you to come to terms, or see something/someone in a new light? Really put everything into a different perspective for you?**  
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	25. Ch 21: Memoirs

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

**A/N:** _This chapter is a hot-mess of unbetad-ness! You've been warned._ Special thanks to James for pre-reading this, and for dedicating so much time to researching a large part of this chapter.

Last chapter I asked: What song or band helped you see something differently, or accepting another POV. My answer: A Perfect Circle/Tool (or just Maynard James Keenan) for giving me a different viewpoint on drugs. Odd answer, right?

**Music in this chapter:**_  
Stanfour – Sorry (acoustic)_  
_ Stabbing Westward – I Remember_

All of the chapter specific music: http:/ / www (dot) youtube (dot) com/user/BeautifullySacred**  
**-add me, friend me, subscribe, whatever... and you will get sneak peeks whenever I add the music a few days before updating for the next chapter.

**HUGE WARNING! - Please Read - This chapter has some gruesome, dark explanations, violence, and death is talked about in detail. If this may be bothersome to you, please just PM me and I can give you cliff notes. Also, there's a... citrus warning as well. If you are NOT of age in your country to read M rated material, DO. NOT. READ. It's that simple. **

Now that that's been covered. Enjoy the chapter!**  
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**Chapter 21  
EPOV  
Sunday, August 20th 2006**

We've played eight of the twelve shows so far, and Beautifully Sacred had a strong following throughout Canada. Seeing Bella on stage was always an amazing sight to behold. With each show, she grew more confident and open, and with each show, I learned a bit more about her emotions behind the songs. I had put us both through our own version of hell when I abandoned her, and I could never take that back.

But I would spend eternity making it up to her.

Eternity. With Bella. I still hadn't gotten used to that idea. I missed her heartbeat, and warm, human skin, but in exchange I would never have to say goodbye to her again. I could live with that. It was a selfish choice I never wanted to make when she was still mortal; her soul in exchange for eternal companionship. However, I never had to make that decision, and neither did she. A part of me wondered if she still despised this life like she had when she first awoke, but in all honesty, I was too afraid of the answer to ask her.

I glanced across the stage where she had just been, but she was gone. I frowned and scanned the empty room for her but she was nowhere in sight. It was a little after one in the morning and we had just finished the show and were packing up the trailer with our equipment. _Maybe she went outside._

I pushed open the side exit and stood in the doorway, looking for her. The sidewalk was empty and the streetlights flickered a few times. I listened very closely for footsteps but there was nothing, just the chatter of Alice and Emmett as they finished tying the piano down in the trailer. I could see Jasper's hazy form in Alice's mind, so I knew he was with them, and Bella was still shielding him. _She has to be within three miles. _

Bella had been shielding Jasper for the past few weeks, and I admit, it frustrated me to no end. They said it was so she could learn to shield more people for a longer duration, but I grew skeptical as each week passed and she didn't add anyone to her shield. I knew I wasn't alone with my irritation; Alice hated it more than I did. Her visions were always blurred if they involved anyone being guarded.

"Bella?" I called, hoping she would answer.

_Nothing._

I listened closer, holding my breath and focusing on the faintest noises I could discern. _Scratching, tapping, and deep sighs. _I smiled, and walked through the exit door, letting it close loudly behind me as I walked around the corner of the building. There, perched on top of the RV with a pen and paper, sat Bella. Her face was scrunched up in a look I had come to recognize as frustration as she scribbled out a line in her notebook, and tapped her pen on her knee. She looked pensive, but slightly irritated.

I walked around to the back of the trailer, quietly climbed up the side, and walked silently toward her from behind. I stepped across the gap between the trailer hitch and the RV and squatted behind her, peering over her shoulder. She was lost in thought and far away, so she hadn't heard me approach. I pulled her hair very gently to the side, exposing her neck and jaw, and laid a very soft kiss just below her ear.

"Edward," she whispered, her lips turning up into a smile.

"I found you," I whispered into her ear. I slid my arms around her ribs, just below her breast line and rested my chin on her shoulder.

"I wasn't hiding." She turned her head to the side, peering down at me as she closed her notebook.

"You disappeared," I said quietly, a subtle pouting in my tone.

She didn't reply but instead smiled wider and wrapped her arms around mine, hugging herself. She closed her eyes and faintly sighed. She looked so content, and peaceful. We had slowly moved into this stage of our relationship. It was like when I met her all over again and she wanted to touch me, or kiss me all the time, only this time it was me who wanted the contact. That's not to say that Bella wasn't physical with me, she just didn't express it as much.

Carlisle said it was the newborn part of her; hard to focus, always distracted.

I tried to believe him.

"Are you guys ready up there?" Alice asked from beside the RV.

"Yep," Bella said. She opened her eyes, kissed my cheek and pulled away from my embrace.

I let out an involuntary whimper at the loss of her touch, but stood and followed as she hopped down from the roof. Emmett slid the rolling door closed to the trailer, and locked it up as Alice climbed into the RV. I followed Bella inside, and took a seat on the sofa beside her.

After the fourth show, we all decided it would be sensible to just buy an RV, attach the trailer to the hitch, and travel together. Bella and Garrett stored their SUV, not wanting to sell it altogether, and Esme renovated the inside of a luxury RV to accommodate so many bodies. She took out the kitchenette and bathroom to put in a larger table and more seating. The bedroom was made into an entertainment suite to make room for Emmett's game systems, TV, and a large closet.

Emmett gave Rosalie a thumbs-up as he closed the passenger door behind him. He made his way to the back, and powered up a game console as Rosalie started the engine and pulled away from the venue. We were headed for Ottawa, Ontario; one of the biggest cities we were scheduled to play in.

Carlisle and Esme were on the loveseat across from us, reading a book together, while Jasper and Alice curled up beside each other on the longer sofa. Garrett took the seat by the door, and pulled out a laptop from a storage bin beneath him.

"Any news from Maurice?" Bella asked Garrett.

"Yeah. He sent us an email about the CD. He says that he received the final cover art from Irina, and has forwarded it to the production company. We should have our first copy before the next show," he replied as he focused on the screen.

Bella and Garrett had finished recording their album at a rental studio Maurice had reserved for them. I told Bella about Irina doing our cover art, and she thought that was a great idea. They got in touch, and Irina agreed to do their album artwork. A week and a half later, the songs were mastered, the artwork was finished, and the album was on its way to being mass produced. They had titled the album "From The Ashes", and the cover had some form of a phoenix on the front, but I had yet to see it.

Maurice had set up another tour to promote their album across Canada. The release date was scheduled for October 11th, and the tour would begin on the 13th. He asked Alice, Jasper, and I if we wanted to open for Beautifully Sacred this time, and we said yes, of course.

"Excellent. I can't wait to see it. Maybe this will all feel real when I can hold it in my hands," Bella said quietly with a smile spread across her lips.

She had been happier lately. She seemed to open up to my family more over the past few weeks, and she and Jasper had grown into close friends. I could tell that she was still reserved in trusting us entirely; we had hurt her, and it would take a while for her to believe we weren't going to leave her again.

Carlisle and Esme took off from work to be close to Bella. Esme was delighted that she was back in their lives, and Carlisle really wanted to prove to Bella that she was important to all of them, and not just me. I think her words that first night in the hotel room really affected him. He truly felt like he had failed her. I tried to reason with him that it was my fault entirely, but being the fatherly type, he wouldn't let me take all of the blame. It was a moot point to argue over fault anyway; we all felt guilty, and rightfully so.

Jasper glanced at me, quirking a brow. While I couldn't read his thoughts, I had half a century of experience reading his expressions to understand him. I shook my head minutely and smiled faintly. Bella caught the exchange however, and furrowed her brows at me.

"What are you thinking?" she asked quietly.

"My thought in exchange for yours?" I asked, squeezing her hand gently.

"Alright," she said slowly. "But you first."

"I was thinking how nice it is to see you happy. I always feel guilty when you're upset."

Bella glanced at Jasper, but he didn't move in the slightest way. She waited for a second before nodding her head. "It's nice to feel happy again," she said quietly.

"Your turn." I pressed my lips to her hair and kissed the mahogany strands gently.

"I was wondering what Carlisle and Esme are reading, actually," she said with a grin.

I rolled my eyes and suppressed my smirk. I felt tricked… but I didn't mind.

"It's about eighteenth-century Italy, actually," Carlisle said.

"That's when you lived in Voltura, isn't it?" Bella asked.

Carlisle nodded, looking up from the book and smiled at her. "You remember."

"Of course. I was fascinated by your story. Your collection of artwork's incredible."

"You lived in Voltura in the eighteen-hundreds?" Garrett asked.

"Yes, but only for a few decades," Carlisle said politely. He closed the book and set it on Esme's lap. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she smiled, moving in closer to him.

"Interesting." Garrett didn't say anything more on the subject. He looked back down at the laptop and began typing.

"You know, I feel like you all know my entire life, but I know very little of yours," Bella said after a few minutes of silence.

"You know my story," I said quietly.

"Well, yes. I know Carlisle's as well, but I don't know much of anyone else's'."

"I told you pretty much all there is to know about Esme and Emmett's story back when we first met. I even told you the little bit there was to Alice's life before she and Jasper came to live with us," I pointed out.

She thought for a moment, slowly nodding. "Yeah, I guess you're right. Those memories are a little fuzzy, but I remember now. I guess the only two I don't know, are Rosalie and Jaspers," she said.

Jasper bowed his head slightly as the corner of his mouth slid up in a smirk.

"You don't want to hear my story, Bella," Rosalie said from the driver's seat.

Everyone but Garrett and Bella seemed to tense. She looked up at me curiously, uncertain of how to respond.

"It doesn't have a happy ending," Rosalie added, her voice very quiet and strained.

"But you have Emmett, how is that not a happy ending?" Bella asked.

"I suppose I should be grateful, but honestly, only half of my dreams ever came true, and at what cost?" Rosalie asked, though she didn't expect an answer.

Esme got up and walked to the driver's seat. She touched Rosalie's shoulder gently and nodded toward the rest of us when their eyes connected. Rosalie scowled and huffed, but moved quickly from the steering wheel to the opposite end of the sofa from Alice and Jasper. Esme took her place at the wheel and Emmett came out from the back room, draping his arm over Rosalie's shoulder and staring down at his lap. We had all heard Rosalie's story before, and it was not a comfortable one to listen to. Living with her as she replayed the last few moments of her human life in her head was nearly unbearable. I helped her, all those years ago, and we never spoke of it to anyone.

"If you don't want to share, that's fine, Rosalie," Bella said quietly.

Rosalie rolled her eyes and snorted. She wasn't upset that she was asked to tell it, she was upset that she couldn't change it. "_Sharing _doesn't bother me, Bella. It's done, and I've moved on. I don't want any pity, is all." Rosalie focused on Bella's face, thinking of all of the faces of sympathy, pity, and shock and internally cringed at them all. She loved attention, just not _that_ kind.

"Well, alright then," Bella said in a small, confused voice. She leaned into my side, and bit her lower lip. It would have been interesting to know what emotions she was feeling.

As Rosalie shared her story, Bella held my hand tighter until it was almost uncomfortable. When she reached the part about how she sought her own revenge, Rosalie didn't even glance at me once. I had helped Rosalie carry out her plan that night with Royce. I ensured that no one came across them while she carried out the deed, and afterward, I helped her resist the temptation of feeding from him; reminding her that she wanted no part of him to follow her in this life. She was always strong, and truth be told, she didn't _really_ need my help, but I was there regardless. I felt I owed it to her for my comments and the way I regarded her when she first awoke. I was not the most polite or gentle in sharing my first impression of her.

I flicked my wrist slightly, trying to shake Bella's attention from the story to her grip. She was still a newborn, and her strength was beginning to hurt my hand. She quickly let go as her eyes flew to mine with an apologetic look, and then back to Rosalie.

"But why do you say that you only got half of what you wished for?" Bella asked when Rosalie had finished.

"Because I got the man I loved, but not the life I desired with a baby of my own or growing old with gray hair and drinking sun tea on a porch as I watch my grandchildren. I envied Vera and her beautiful little Henry, and loving husband. When I saw Emmett, he instantly reminded of baby Henry; cute dimples and curly black hair. I think that's what made me decide that he had to be saved. I couldn't see something so innocent be lost. I just happened to be lucky enough to find love because of that decision." Rosalie smiled one of her genuine smiles as she looked up at Emmett's face. _'What I wouldn't do for you, but sometimes I want more,'_ she admitted silently.

He knew how she felt, and he wished more than anything that he could give her what she wanted most. My brother was often considered the playful or immature one in the family, but he was also the most loyal. He would do anything for Rosalie; for all of us.

The rest of my family were thinking back to when they first heard Rosalie's story, and studying Bella's reaction. She was trying very hard to hold back the sympathetic look, but the sadness was visible. Jasper broke the awkward tension I'm sure he was picking up on by unnecessarily clearing his throat.

"I guess it's my turn?" he said with a half-smile. Alice nuzzled into his chest as she closed her eyes. Bella turned toward Jasper and nodded slightly, looking more upbeat at the idea of learning about his history. As Jasper began, I noticed Garrett taking more interest than he had before. He closed the laptop and turned in his seat to cross his leg and lean against the back of the chair. Bella gasped when she saw the extent of Jasper's scars, but she quickly understood and interjected her questions throughout his story.

It was obvious that Jasper was closer to her than the rest of my family was just in the way they talked and held each other's eye contact. The story was more like a conversation between the two, or even like a teacher explaining a theory to his pupil. It was rather fascinating, and I wasn't the only one who picked up on it.

_'They seem to have gotten close over the last few weeks,'_ Carlisle thought.

I nodded minutely, glancing in his direction.

_'It's interesting that the one you feared around her the most when she was human, has become a close companion as a vampire,' _he added and I nodded once more.

_'I wonder if he is teaching her to use her shield,'_ Carlisle thought absentmindedly. It wasn't directed at me, but once it was thought, he glanced at me again, quirking a brow slightly. I mirrored his look before looking back at Jasper.

That was an interesting idea. It would explain why Bella was shielding only him, but what didn't make sense was why he _needed_ to be shielded. Jasper was just as good as the rest of my family at shielding his thoughts when he needed to.

It left me something to think about, regardless.

"We seem to have a lot in common," Garrett said nonchalantly at the end of Jasper's answer to one of Bella's questions.

"Oh?" Jasper asked with a polite smile.

My family had warmed to Garrett, but we still knew nothing about him, or how much we could trust him. All we had to go on was Bella's experience, and faith in him.

"Mm," Garrett said, nodding thoughtfully. He uncrossed his leg and turned on his seat, sitting sideways with his arm across the backrest. "We both left home at a young age, in search of a place to belong. We both found a place to belong in the United States Government in its early years, and we both came across forces we had no idea would ruin us for longer than merely a human lifetime," Garrett explained.

That caught everyone's attention. Carlisle glanced at me briefly again before leaning forward. _'Perhaps he will share his story with us,'_ Carlisle thought.

Esme was thinking along the same lines, but she was more concerned that he had experienced similar hardships as Jasper. He wasn't even considered one of her sons, and she was worried about him. It was sweet, actually, and very Esme.

"Would you tell us, Garrett?" Bella asked. "Please?" she added with a smile.

Garrett chuckled and let out a deep sigh. He looked down at his hand in his lap and nodded very slowly. "I was born during the peak of the American Revolutionary War. I was surrounded by politicians from a very young age, and sort of grew into debate. I was _very_ good at it in fact, but it didn't feel like my destiny in life. I wanted to do some good, see the world, inspire and _be_ inspired. I was tired of talking in circles about politics and taking advantage of people. When I was twenty-one, I joined the Navy with the intent of seeing more of the world, and feeling like I belonged to a cohesive unit." Garrett snorted, shaking his head at something, and closed his eyes. "I was so wrong. It was chaos and every man for himself back then."

He opened his eyes and looked at Bella with a half-smile. "After a few small voyages, and no real exploration or danger, I deployed on the USS Philadelphia with a real mission. At first things went alright. I was excited by the open water, and responsibility on my shoulders. We came across an uncharted reef just outside of Tripoli Harbor and were quickly under siege. Tripoli had unofficially declared war with us a few years prior, and we were sitting ducks. We never had a chance.

"Our entire ship was taken hostage, and the USS Philadelphia was docked to their Harbor. Many of my fellow men claimed that our country would come for us, but most of us knew that it would be an open war if a rescue was attempted." Garrett looked away, staring at nothing in particular across from his seat.

"We were only there for three weeks before _they_ came." Garrett's tone was harsh, bitter, but quiet. He looked back at Bella, focusing on her face as he swallowed. "Five men in black cloaks, pristine boots, and red eyes. They told our captures that they were part of the Pasha's guard. They were looking for prisoners to recruit for suicide missions, and insisted on seeing us. They were escorted in by one of the night guards, and they walked through the rows of men very slowly. I remember the smell of piss and sweat fuming in the room as these men walked by in perfect boots, and perfect posture, looking down on us. The man in the middle of the strangers would stop and stare at a few random prisoners, as if he was trying to judge them with his eyes alone. After a moment, he would either nod or shake his head and continue on. If he nodded, they were plucked from the chains, and dragged out of the cellar. If he shook his head, they were passed by and ignored.

"He stopped when he reached me, and took longer to consider me than he had the rest. I grew nervous, fearful. I was only twenty-three. I had set out to see the world, and all I had seen was the open water and the inside of a captive cell. I had left my mother and father behind; my safe home and place in politics. I felt naïve, and oddly deceived. I hadn't experienced life. I wasn't ready to die."

"Did he choose you?" Bella asked her voice quiet and strained, her eyes concerned.

Garrett smiled faintly and nodded. "He chose me, stating that '_He_ would be pleased'. At the time, I had no idea who _He _was, but I knew that I didn't like the sound of it." Garrett cleared his throat and was silent for a moment.

_'I wonder if they were another coven searching for fighters, like Maria,'_ Carlisle thought.

_'I wouldn't have guessed he was twenty-three. His years weren't so kind to him,'_ Rosalie thought.

Normally, I would have thought Rosalie's comment to be shallow, or rude, but I agreed with her. Garrett looked closer to thirty than he did twenty. His features were more defined than most vampires his age I had come across. I had never given it much thought, however.

"They took me and three other prisoners with them. They didn't waste any time," Garrett said.

Alice and Jasper exchanged a glance, but turned their attention back to Garrett after a moment. Bella leaned into me, and I put my arm around her, holding her close. She was completely transfixed on Garrett, and I was dying to know what Jasper was thinking about everyone's feelings, but Bella's shields were holding strong.

"Three days later I awoke into this life. The man that had done the choosing was waiting when I woke, and explained what I had become. I was separated from the other two that were chosen, and he wouldn't tell me what happened to them. He introduced himself as Eleazar of the Volturi guard—"

Everyone's thoughts were of shock and confusion, but it was Carlisle that spoke aloud first.

"Eleazar?" he asked, cutting Garrett off.

Garrett turned toward Carlisle and nodded. He didn't seem bothered by the interruption, and continued with his story. "Eleazar explained to me that he had a gift. He could sense oth—"

"Other gifts or talents in vampires, and humans," I finished.

Garrett studied my expression, his own face showing confusion and curiosity. "Yes. Do you know of Eleazar?"

"He is a close friend of ours. He lives in Alaska with the Denali sisters, and his mate, Carmen," Carlisle explained.

Garrett smiled at the mention of Carmen and nodded. His eyes almost seemed to glow, and he looked genuinely pleased. If vampires could blush, I had a high suspicion he would have been at that moment. "Yes, Carmen. I'm pleased to hear that they are still well, and happy. It's been over a century since I last saw them," Garrett looked down at his hands, and appeared to be lost in thought.

"I'm sorry for the interruption. Please, continue," I said after a moment.

Garrett nodded, the smile slipping away slowly as he looked back up. His eyes connected with mine and his lips twitched. "He explained to me that his kind – our kind – sometimes awoke with talents, and that he could sense these talents, even if the person of interest was still human. He had been sent to seek out specific types, and change them. He told me about my talent, and his theories on the possibilities I was capable of. Of course, I had no idea how to use my gift at the time, but I could sense something different about myself; beside the burning thirst and hardened skin."

Bella smiled slightly at the comment and looked down. I could only guess that she could identify with that feeling. I know that when I had first awoke, I _knew _that something was different, but that was because Carlisle's lips weren't moving, but I could hear his voice. I could only imagine what it would be like to slowly learn of a talent.

"Eleazar offered me a position with the Volturi guard, stating that I would be a valuable asset once I learned how to control my gift. He explained that I would be trained, and accepted amongst the strongest coven of our kind. I admit, the appeal was overwhelming." Garrett looked down again, perhaps uncomfortable with his admission of seeking power. He furrowed his brows and continued, "I accepted, was introduced to the other four of the guard, and was taken to feed."

Carlisle turned and looked down at the floor for a moment before closing his eyes. He knew where this was going, and he knew, just like me, that it wasn't going to be enjoyable. The Volturi didn't agree or understand Carlisle's choice of living, nor did they teach others that it was possible to abstain from human blood.

"I learned that the other two that were taken were also changed, and the seven of us headed for Italy. The three of us were introduced to the Volturi, given our sigil, and trained for five years. Eleazar and I became close friends; he was like a mentor to me. Aro realized this, and when I was finally able to be sent out on missions, he teamed us up. We made an incredible duo. I would persuade the humans to allow us in, or not ask questions, forcing them to believe us, and then convince the humans Eleazar chose to come with us. When they would awake for the first time, Eleazar would explain, and I would persuade them to join. They never _truly _had a choice in the matter. If they had a violent talent, and grew difficult to handle, we disposed of them. We came across many talents, but they were never exactly what Aro was looking for."

"What kind of talent did he want?" Jasper asked.

"He was looking for a shield like Renata who could project their talent onto others, however, he didn't need another physical shield; he was looking for a mental one."

Everyone turned to look at Bella whose eyes had grown large as she took in a quick breath. I pulled her closer to me, rubbing her upper arm as I tried to comfort her.

_'He won't ever find her, Edward,'_ Carlisle assured me.

I only stared back at him. He had no way to promise that, and he knew it. Eventually Aro would see one of our thoughts, and know of her existence and her abilities, and he would stop at nothing to have her.

"He never found a mental shield?" she asked.

Garrett looked at her long and hard, his jaw rigid and his body tense. "Never, Little-Bit."

"But then…" Bella said quickly, her voice shaky.

I squeezed her to me, pressing my lips to her temple, and breathed in her scent. "They will never touch you, Bella," I whispered, even if I was a hypocrite, nearly quoting Carlisle's words.

Bella nodded slowly, squeezing my thigh as she took a shaky breath.

"So how did you come to leave the Volturi?" Jasper asked.

Garrett turned and looked at him, his face somber, and his eyebrows knitted together. "We were sent to Spain, and that is when Eleazar met Carmen. When we returned to Italy, he asked to leave the guard, explaining that he had found his mate, and didn't wish to live this life anymore. I was there when he asked, and Aro knew I could force him to let him be freed if he refused. He made a speech about how none of the guard was ever forced to stay, they were all free to leave if they ever desired it, and let Eleazar go in peace. That was the last day I saw Eleazar and Carmen," Garrett said softly, a reminiscent tone barely discernable.

"But you didn't leave with him," Bella stated curiously.

Garrett shook his head and shrugged. "No. I had nowhere to go. Eleazar asked me to come with them, but I didn't feel right. I had been feeling like I didn't belong for a while at that point, and while I would miss his company, I knew I wouldn't be happy following around a new couple.

"It wasn't until we were sent to America that I realized how much I missed home. We could no longer seek out humans with latent talents, so we sought out Vampires who could be persuaded to join us that had obvious talents. It was a violent job a lot of the time. Many newborns were destroyed when they wouldn't cooperate, and we also dealt with similar armies Jasper spoke of.

"It grew tiresome after a while, and when we returned to Italy, I told Aro I was done. I was no longer tied to anyone of the guard, so Chelsea had no effect on holding me to them, and if she had tried to hold my allegiance to the Volturi, I could have changed her mind. Aro knew he had no way to keep me. He could destroy me, or let me go and hope I came back, but Aro always had a problem with destroying anyone with a talent he envied. He let me go freely, and I never looked back."

"What did you do once you were free?" Bella asked. I could see the same curiosity and interest on her face as when Jasper had told his tale. The way she regarded Garrett was similar to Jasper, and it brought me the slightest bit of comfort that she felt she had brothers she could rely on. I wished that she would warm up to the rest of my family, but I settled to be grateful for the progress she had made with trusting us so far.

"I became a nomad. I traveled all over Europe, and eventually made my way back across the Atlantic to America. At that point, I was tired of slaughtering humans, so I tried feeding on animals. It didn't go well at first, and I only drank from them when I was particularly depressed. It was hard to see what America had become. People would lie, cheat, kill, and all for useless things that brought them no happiness. I knew that this wasn't limited to just America, but it still bothered me. Every time I felt someone make the decision to kill, it felt like it was on my hands. With our ability to remember everything, I knew exactly how many deaths I was responsible for, and it sickened me.

"Eventually, I grew extremely reclusive, and wandered the furthest northern parts of Canada with little human population. That's when I started to drink from animals exclusively." Garrett smiled slightly at Bella as she smiled at his answer. Slowly, her face fell and she looked down at her hands. "What's wrong, Little-Bit?" he asked.

"I," she said softly, pausing as she fidgeted with the hem of her shirt. "I was wondering about a comment you made once." She looked up at him and bit her lip, tugging at the lip ring gently. Her skin creased between her eyebrows and she looked worried, or confused. "You told me once about one of our kind burning while they changed. I wondered… well, I wondered how you knew that?"

_'Wait, he what?'_ Carlisle thought quickly.

_'Oh my God, that's… that's terrible,'_ thought Esme.

Emmett and Rosalie exchanged glances with concerned looks, both focusing on the pain that would be involved, but yet strangely curious.

I glanced at Jasper and his face was contorted; he looked like hell. Alice was staring up at him with both of his hands in hers, shaking them gently as she stroked his knuckles. "Jazz," she whispered, trying to pull his attention away from the pain he was feeling.

I looked to Garrett who was staring at the ground intently. He was completely still; his jaw tense and his eyes far away like he was lost in a memory.

"Jazz," Alice said louder.

Garrett shook his head, like as if the action would shake his thoughts away. He cleared his throat and looked at Jasper slowly. "I'm sorry, Jasper." He turned to focus on Bella and sighed. "That's not something I particularly enjoy remembering." He took a deep breath before continuing. "It was shortly after I joined Eleazar on his trips. We were in Ukraine, in the forest just outside of Podil. We had discovered a human with an intriguing latent talent earlier that evening. We initiated his change and were talking as we waited when a group of religious zealots baring crosses and torches found us. We charged to attack, thankful for the easy feed, but one of them had thrown their torch toward the human mid-change."

Alice, Esme and Bella all gasped as Carlisle closed his eyes sadly. Jasper squeezed Alice to him, but didn't look away from Garrett. I kissed Bella's hair gently and stroked her arm as Garrett continued.

"We disposed of the zealots, but we didn't know what to do about the human. The venom was already coursing through his veins, and had attached to the cells. Nothing would have put the fire out. He burned for over a day as his body repaired the skin only to melt away. Once the venom burns through most of the blood in the veins, it moves to attack the organs. It was then that the human's body lost the battle. So much had been melted away, that raw tissue and bone were exposed, and couldn't be repaired quickly enough. We listened as he screamed for twenty-eight hours before the purple smoke dissipated and the ashes scattered in the wind."

To say that we were all shocked would be putting it mildly. My family's thoughts ranged from horror to sadness. The story hit a little close to home for Carlisle, considering how he was changed into this life. His father had been the same kind of religious man as those Garrett spoke of.

"That was the great fire of Podil in 1811. It was blamed on children playing with fire, though no one witnessed anything of the sort. It spread into the city, creating a path of fire and destruction in its wake. We fled back to Italy and told Aro of what transpired, but he was barely fazed by it. He was disappointed in the loss of the talent, but ordered us further east, saying nothing more on the subject."

"Unbelievable," Bella said quietly, shaking her head.

"That's the Volturi," Jasper said, a bitter edge to his voice.

Bella and Jasper took turns asking Garrett questions, ranging from the various talents he had come across in his missions, and what training with the Volturi was like. Carlisle asked about Aro, and what he was like to work for, but wasn't pleased with the answer.

He knew that Aro treated him differently than his guard, but he didn't know the inner workings of the Volturi. The information disturbed him greatly; his friend was not the person he had always thought.

I, however, wasn't surprised by the information. I knew of the histories and how the Volturi overthrew the Romanian coven. They weren't savages, but they weren't diplomats either. A part of me wanted to curse at Carlisle for being so naïve, but I knew that he always sought to see the good in people. It's part of who he was.

The sun was coming up by the time the questions ended and we were nearly to Ottawa. Emmett had made a joke about one of the talents Garrett told us about, and Bella was giggling when Garrett turned to Carlisle and cleared his throat.

"So, Eleazar is in Alaska?" he asked.

Carlisle nodded, still smiling from the banter between Bella and Emmett. "Yes, with Carmen and the Denali sisters," he said light-heartedly.

"Irina, the one who did the artwork for our CD, she is one of the Denali sisters, correct?"

"That's right," Carlisle said, nodding.

"So, it's safe to assume that when we are finished with this tour, we will be heading back to Alaska?"

Carlisle's smile widened and he thought he knew where this was going. "Yes. We live just a few miles from the Denali coven, actually. I'm sure that Irina would love to meet you and Bella, as would her sisters, Kate and Tanya."

Garrett nodded and looked away, a slight lift at the corner of his mouth giving away his happiness at the idea of seeing Eleazar again.

"I'm sure Eleazar and Carmen would be overjoyed to see you again, as well," Carlisle added, giving Garrett the real answer had been dancing around asking for.

Garrett nodded, his lips turning upward into a full smile.

The RV slowly came to a stop outside of a large hotel. We collected our things and exited at a human pace, and entered the hotel's ornate, polished doors. Bella and I checked us all in. We had the entire top floor pretty much to ourselves because there were so many of us. The woman at the front desk was star struck as she racked her mind trying to figure out what we were all famous for. She had a rather creative mind. As we made our way upstairs, she began writing down little plot ideas and scribbled down some of our names.

She wanted to be a writer.

I smiled as her thoughts raced through various ideas for stories and shook my head as they became more and more outrageous.

"What?" Bella asked.

I shook my head again and chuckled. "Nothing. The woman at the desk just has an interesting imagination."

Bella quirked a brow once in the elevator, but didn't push for more information. I squeezed her hand as we walked down the hallway to our room with Jasper and Emmett discussing how they were going to pick rooms behind us. We stopped in front of the first room and I placed my hand on Bella's lower back as I slipped the keycard into the slot and removed it, pushing down on the handle a second latter.

Emmett and Jasper decided on rock, paper, scissors, but started bickering when Garrett persuaded them to both choose rock. Alice and Rosalie both rolled their eyes, and chose the rooms instead. Carlisle and Esme slipped into the fourth room down with a smile. They were both happy that we were all getting along so well. Esme was tickled pink that everything seemed to be better than ever.

Garrett took the last room at the end of the hall, slipping in through the doorway quickly as Jasper and Emmett complained that he played dirty. As Bella and I closed our door behind us, we heard Rosalie scold Emmett and pull him by the ear into their room.

Bella and I had shared a room for the last three cities, but had yet to do anything that truly required our own room. I didn't want to push her too quickly. She put her bag down next to the closet and trailed her fingertips over the comforter on the bed as she walked to the window. She pulled back the curtain and gazed out at the view. I stood behind her, taking it in with her and enjoying the moment of alone time with her. I wrapped my arms around her gently as I nuzzled my nose into her hair and breathed her in.

"It's amazing, isn't it?" she asked quietly. The city was vast and the sun was barely peeking out from the clouds, sending light rays over various spots and lighting them up with a glowing orange and yellow hue.

I smiled and nodded. "Mm," I agreed, kissing her hair once more. She hooked her fingertips on my arm, rubbing her thumbs over my forearms as I squeezed her gently. There was a faint knock at the door and I groaned. _What now?_

I couldn't hear the person's thoughts, so it was one of two people. Bella glanced up at my expression and laughed softly, rolling her eyes as she crossed the room and opened the door.

"Hey Jasper. Give me a second," she said happily. She opened the door wider, inviting him in. He took a step in through the door, letting it close behind him, and waited. Bella walked toward me, stretched up onto her tip-toes and gave me a gentle, chaste kiss and smiled. "Jasper and I are going to go hunting. I promised before the last concert. Brother, Sister time. We'll be back before the sun goes down."

I didn't know how to respond. I was looking forward to having the afternoon together, and she didn't even give me five minutes. I knew I couldn't complain, Bella deserved to have time with my family as well and holding her back would only upset her. I learned my lesson regarding that.

I nodded slightly and watched as she left the room with my brother following behind her. I listened to their footsteps as they left the hotel, and sighed as they went out of earshot.

"Wonderful," I muttered sarcastically. I unpacked our bags slowly, trying to pass the time, but quickly ran out of things to find places for. I explored the suite, and flipped on the TV, but there was nothing interesting on. I grabbed the room key from the table, and walked downstairs briskly. I pushed the front doors open and stopped when I saw Garrett outside, smoking a clove cigarette. His thoughts weren't shielded, and I quirked a brow at him.

"What?" he asked as he took a drag.

"Why do you smoke? It does nothing for us."

"So? It helps with the incognito thing, and I like the smell," he said, shrugging.

He thought back to when he was human and smoking was common. His thoughts shifted to when he was a nomad, and he came across some teens smoking outside a lounge bar. He smirked at the memories and took another drag.

"So, what are your plans for the afternoon?" I asked.

"I was going to relax in the Music-Mobile and play some acoustic tunes," he replied. His nickname for the RV was Emmett's creation after a show one night while we were packing up. It wasn't the most creative, but it stuck.

"Feel like some company?" I asked, silently pleading that he would say yes. I really just wanted something to keep my mind occupied while Bella was gone; it didn't matter what it was.

I could hear the rhythm he was piecing together in his head. It hadn't occurred to me when I asked that we would be playing music together. I'd never written anything with Garrett before. As he took the last drag of his cigarette, he nodded and smiled. "Sure," he said, blowing the smoke out slowly. He put the cigarette out in the ash tray and walked to the RV, unlocking it quickly and taking a step inside. He grabbed the acoustic guitar from the back room, and then took a seat on the sofa. I sat on the loveseat across from him as I thought about grabbing the box-drum from the trailer.

"Don't bother. You don't need the drum to make a rhythm," he said as he caught me trying to decide.

It was interesting to read his thoughts as he saw a decision being weighed. He actually repeated the options in his head within a fraction of a second before saying anything out loud. I wondered how quickly he could pick up on a decision. He smirked as he repeated my choices of asking the question or not in his head. It was like he was reading my decisions from a book.

It was really kind of bizarre.

I smirked back, chuckling softly to myself. I couldn't even imagine what would happen if Jasper was unshielded and Alice was around. We would all be picking up on each other a fraction before anything was considered, thought, or acted upon. Alice would see the choice being made, I would hear her thoughts as she had the vision, Garrett would pick up on the decision being weighed, and Jasper would sense the emotions swinging quickly one way or another as the decision was carried out. It was intriguing to think about who would sense what first. Would Alice see the vision before Garrett sensed the choices being considered? The choices would have to be thought of before they could be seen in a vision, so would I hear it before Alice saw it?

I laughed louder at the idea and shook my head. Garrett was having a similar thought, and grinned at me.

"It would be interesting to debate the semantics of it all. Our own version of what comes first, the chicken or the egg," Garrett said with a chuckle.

He strummed the guitar gently, playing the tune he had been thinking of while we were standing outside. I focused on his finger work as he played, the music flowing with a natural ease. He had to have been playing for over a century. He wasn't even thinking about the chords or finger placement as he played, he just focused on the tune in his head.

I listened as he played, picking up the nuances and repetitious beats. After a few moments, I began to beat out a rhythm on my thighs. We played a continuous stream of music that evolved after a few repetitions, morphing into a different tune altogether. I heard the change in tempo and the shifts in in his head before he played them, and adjusted to match him perfectly. He lead and I followed. Time easily passed as we completely immersed ourselves in the music.

As we played, images of Bella filled my mind, causing me to smile. I tried to focus on the happier moments we had shared lately, lingering on her laugh, smiles, and kisses. She had let me in to her life again, but I wasn't sure if she had forgiven me just yet. I knew I had a lot to make up for, and I was thankful she let me explain at all. I still wished that I could beg for forgiveness, tell her how sorry I was, but she didn't want to hear it. My actions spoke louder than words ever could, and there was no erasing our past.

As he slowed the melody, lyrics fell in to place and I debated saying them out loud. Garrett nodded once as he looped the beat back to a beginning place, repeating it a few times for me. I took a deep breath and decided to just go with it; sing whatever came to me.

_"Whatever happened, dear, I never meant to hurt you. How could I cause you so much pain?" _I tapped out a rhythm as I sang, letting the words flow from my mind without doubting myself, or holding anything back. _"When I say I'm sorry, will you believe me? Listen to my story; say you won't leave. When I say I'm sorry, can you forgive me? When I say I will always be there, will you believe?" _I shut my eyes tightly, and stopped my rhythm as Garrett let the last chord ring briefly before continuing. I took a shaky breath and focused on my voice. _"Will you believe in me?"_

I started the drum rhythm again as he looped back to the beginning melody. I wished that I could hear Bella's thoughts, know her fears and concerns. I prayed that eventually she would forgive me and believe that I would never leave her again. I sang as if my words were prayers, and she was my savior. _"If I told you I've been cleaning my soul,"_ I bellowed out, my voice shaky and my body trembling. _"Will you open your door, and let me in; take me for who I am now, and not for who I've been?"_

We played through the chorus again, louder and faster than before. Garrett sang with me as the song reached the crescendo and slowly faded out. We continued the harmony of our vocals and the melody slowed until we were silent. My eyes were still closed and I took a deep breath, exhaling slowly.

_'She'll forgive you, Edward. Give her some time,'_ Garrett thought.

He began a new rhythm, and I jumped back in, playing a new beat and changing the tempo when he did. We played for hours, and it was one of the most calming things I had done in a long time. I could understand why music appealed to him so much. For Garrett, he used the time to clear his head, expelling his thoughts, and focusing on nothing but the melody and harmony on notes mixing together.

I heard his thoughts growing more distracted, and we slowly ended I nodded, a faint smile stretching across my lips. "Thank you, Garrett."

"Don't mention it. It was cool to jam with you. It's interesting when you can read my thoughts and shift with me as the melody changes. We would make a good impromptu band," he said as he re-tuned the guitar. Since we were stronger than humans, whenever we played harder or faster, it would pull the guitar out of tune. Jasper would constantly re-tune guitars between songs on stage without anyone ever noticing.

Garrett's thoughts quickly went blank, and I realized that he was being shielded. He shrugged, probably noticing as well. "I guess the jam session's over," he said quietly.

I nodded and sighed as I stood and walked to the door. I stepped on to the sidewalk, glancing in both directions for Bella. I smiled as she came into view and I leaned against the RV as I waited for her. Garrett stepped out, locking the door behind him, and lit up another cigarette.

"Hey guys, what are you up to?" Bella asked once she was close enough. She wrapped her arms around me and smiled before looking over at Garrett.

"Not much. We were just jamming in the Music-Mobile. How was your afternoon?" he asked.

"Good," Bella replied quickly.

"You guys write anything new?" Jasper asked.

Garrett and I both nodded as he took a drag from his cigarette and I kissed Bella's forehead.

"What, not going to share?" he asked with a smirk.

We both chuckled and shook our heads. I liked Garrett more and more.

"Come on," Bella said, tugging on my hand as she pulled away from our embrace. I followed her into the hotel, nodding back at the guys as we walked inside. They started talking about a music store that Jasper had spotted a few blocks down the street.

I couldn't stop myself from thinking about Bella and Jasper, and there supposed hunting trip. I didn't smell blood on either of them, so unless they were extremely tidy and quick, I didn't think they really went hunting. Carlisle's words in the RV the night prior echoed in my mind, and I wondered if Jasper was really helping Bella with her shield. If that were the case, why didn't she tell any of us? Surely, we could help.

I hadn't noticed the frown on my face until Bella turned around in the bedroom and frowned back at me. Her fingers smoothed the space between my eyebrows as she stared into my eyes. She brought her other hand around the back of my neck and held me close to her as her fingers trailed along my jaw. "What's wrong?" she asked quietly.

I shook my head, not trusting my voice and smiled at her. She tugged on her lip ring slightly and I suppressed a moan as my eyes watched her every movement. I unintentionally pulled her closer to me, however, and she smiled, her chest rising and falling with a silent laughter.

I smiled a real smile back at her before kissing her forehead. "I love you, Bella," I whispered against her skin. Her body tensed in my arms and her fingers froze against my skin. I felt her lashes sweep against my chin as she closed her eyes and took in a steady, slow breath.

"I love you, too, Edward," she whispered back.

I kissed her forehead again, and grinned as I pulled away slightly to look down at her. She dropped her head, avoiding my gaze, and rested her cheek against my shoulder. Her breath was cool against my neck and I shuddered. She pressed her lips to my skin, the pressure gentle, as she slowly kissed up to my chin. Her fingers wound tighter into my hair and I moaned at the combination of sensations.

I walked her slowly to the bed until the back of her calves were pressed against the frame. My hands slid up her sides and back down as I leaned down to whisper into her ear. "Sit, Love."

She bent her knees, pulling at the front of my shirt. I stepped closer as she sat on the edge of the bed and smiled down at her. She was _beautiful_. She played with her lip ring as she watched me, looking up through her lashes. I stood with my legs between hers and my hands slid along her jaw and down her neck.

"I've had new lyrics in my head all day. I couldn't stop thinking of you," she said quietly. Her voice was deeper than usual, more sensual.

"Oh?" I said, cocking an eyebrow slowly. She nodded, tugging on my shirt again.

I put my hands on the bed on either side of her, and leaned in close to her ear. "Sing them for me?" I whispered, more like a statement than a question.

Her fingers dragged down my stomach as she lay down; her nails grazing my skin faintly. A shiver ran down my spine and I closed my eyes as I moaned. I wondered if she knew what she did to me. I brought one knee down between her legs gently, resting my weight on my right elbow as I pressed against her. I opened my eyes and saw her tugging at her lip, her eyebrows furrowed. I pressed my lips to just below her ear and breathed in her scent.

"Only if you sing with me," she whispered.

I nodded as I continued to trail kisses down her neck slowly, my left hand sliding up her torso.

_"Do you ever wonder where we would be if we had tried a little harder?"_ she sang quietly. She arched her back as I reached her collarbone. _"It seems like yesterday that we were making plans for the future," _she whispered.

I slowly pulled back to look down at her face. Her eyes were closed and her nostrils flared as she breathed in steadily. I smiled at her before leaning down to kiss her lips. Her tongue slid against mine briefly before she turned her head to the side, breaking the kiss. _"But it's been so long since I have mourned the dreams… those dreams we left abandoned,"_ she sang in my ear, her voice barely louder than a whisper. She pressed her hands against my shoulder and I leaned back to stare into her eyes. Her fingers traced my jaw as she smiled. _"And I'm haunted by your face, and the memory of your kisses."_ She pulled me to her lips quickly, kissing me passionately as her hips rocked up against mine. She moaned as she pulled away from my lips. _"Sweet kisses,"_ she sang with a smile.

The combination of her words, voice, and body had me completely craving her in a way I had never experienced. She pressed her hips to mine again as she arched her back.

_"Do you remember? I still remember so much," _I sang as I watched her body writhe beneath mine. I remembered back to when I would kiss her, but always had to pull away out of fear of hurting her. I remembered how human she made me feel; the emotions she filled me with – that she _still_ filled me with. _"I remember never feeling so alive."_

I pressed my lips to her throat and slid my tongue across her skin, tasting her. Her fingers slid down my back and I moaned. _"Do you remember?"_ I sang with my lips inches from her skin. I trailed my kisses to her jaw and pressed my erection against her thigh. _"I still can't forget your touch,"_ I whispered into her ear.

She whimpered and pressed her nails into my flesh. I arched my back and hissed at the intense sensation. I pressed my fingers to the side of her neck, and my thumb just below her chin and pulled her face toward me. I rested my forehead against hers, staring into her eyes_. "We swore that we would never end, and knew our love transcended space and time."_ My lips were inches from hers as I sang.

She threw her arms around my neck and pulled me to her. I wrapped my arms around her, laying my entire weight on top of her as our lips met in an intense kiss. She rolled us over so that I was on my back and she was straddling my waist; our limbs tangled together. I moaned as my tongue danced with hers and my body ached for more.

She broke the kiss and sat up, her hands trailing down my chest until they reached my pants. She unbuttoned my shirt slowly from the bottom up as she sang, staring into my eyes_. "The memories slip away. The ghost of what we were is fading."_ She pressed my shirt to the side, exposing my chest and leaned down to kiss me chastely on the lips.

My hands ran up her thighs to the hem of her shirt as her lips pressed to mine. I tugged on her shirt gently and she leaned back so that I could pull it over her head. I tossed it to the side, and looked up at her.

_My Bella. _

She leaned back down, pressing her chest and the lacy fabric of her bra to my skin. She buried her head in the crook of my neck, kissing my collarbone. _"But there is no more pain, which is funny because that night… I was dying,"_ she sang as I wrapped my arms around her. I pulled her closer to me as I felt her sob gently. _"I was dying,"_ she cried.

My heart broke and I closed my eyes. I hated myself for every pain I had ever caused her. I rolled us back to the center of the bed with her beneath me again, and took her face in my hands. I held her jaw tightly, and stared at her until she looked up at me. I smiled somberly at her and sighed. "I'm so sorry, Bella," I whispered. I kissed her once on the lips very gently before I shrugged out of my shirt and tossed it aside.

_"Now I don't even recognize the girl I swore that someday I… would marry," _I sang as I held her gaze. I slid one hand behind her neck and the other down her torso, and pulled her up toward me. I wrapped an arm around her back, holding her up as I kissed her throat. I worked my way to her lips and tugged at her lip ring with a smile.

_"But I can't forget her face, and I can't forget her kisses,"_ I sang, our faces centimeters apart. Her breath was sweet and I couldn't stop myself from licking her lower lip slowly. I pulled on it gently, sucking her lip between mine. She moaned loudly and I smiled again. _"Sweet kisses,"_ I whispered against her lips.

She threw her arms around my neck and crashed her mouth to mine. I kissed her like the world was ending. I held her face, tilting my head to the side as I slid my tongue against hers. She whimpered and I moaned, thrusting against her as she wrapped her legs around my waist. She arched her back and I reached around to her shoulders and dragged my fingers along her flesh.

I unhooked the clasp of her bra, and she quickly slipped it off, never breaking our kiss. I pulled her body to mine like our lives depended on it, and quickened the pace of my tongue against hers. I tugged on her lip and let go as I gasped for air. _"Do you remember? I still remember so much,"_ I cried out, my voice shaky.

_"I remember always feeling so alive,"_ she whispered into my ear. She licked my lobe and my eyes rolled back as I moaned. She pulled me back with her as she lay down on the bed. Her hands moved from my neck to my chest, and I stared down into her lust filled eyes as my hands moved across her breasts.

I slowly slid down, breaking eye contact and leaving gentle kisses on her ribs just below her breasts. She arched her back, gasping as I teased her skin_. "Do you remember?"_ I whispered between kisses across her abdomen. _"Because I still can't forget your touch."_

Her hands lingered on my shoulders for a moment before they weaved into my hair, tugging me gently to her. I rested my head on her stomach, pressing my cheek to her skin as I closed my eyes.

_"God, I remember so much,"_ she whispered as she held me to her.

With my eyes closed, and the feel of her skin against mine, I remembered back to a time when her heart beat steadily as she slept against my chest. I nuzzled against her as I sighed contently, happy that she was in my life again, and this time forever.

"I love you," she said softly, her hands sliding from my hair to my shoulders as she traced patterns across my skin.

"I love you," I whispered.

We laid there in a comfortable silence – my head on her stomach, her arms around me. Everything was perfect, but I couldn't keep my mind from wandering. I wrapped my arms around her waist and squeezed her to me, not wanting the moment to end because I could sense that there was something she wasn't telling me, and it scared me.

_It scared me a lot._

* * *

**A/N: **Pictures of a Luxury RV (not the Cullen's exactly) can be seen on my profile.

**HUGE, AMAZING, MASSIVE** thank you to James (z3raphim) for not only pre-reading this for me last minute when my nerves got the best of me, and panic set in, but also for staying up insanely late to research for Garrett's history. Over five months ago I emailed him with my idea of Garrett's story and I was very vague in what I was looking for, but I wanted it to be real events, and he pulled some amazing rabbits out of hats, and found me the events of the USS Philadelphia, and the Tripoli war in less than 24 hours. Again, I can't say it enough - Thank you, J!

So yes, everything in Garrett's history is based on very real events. No vampires though, unfortunately. Darn.

Also, a huge thank you to all of you reading this story. It's my baby, and I'm very passionate about it. I never dreamed that I would meet, and become such close friends with so many people. You guys are all amazing, and I'm touched by your comments and time dedicated to reading my little story. There are so few AU(vamp) fics out there that get noticed, and it's kind of sad, considering what the fandom is based on. So thank you - for reading a vamp story that has music, extreme angst, and concerts, and pretending it's all normal.

**Song question of the chapter:** Time to get kinky. What song do you relate to sex, remember having sex to, think about sex because of, or just sounds like pure sex? Come on, girls. Give it to me!


	26. Ch 22: Premonition

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you all for a song that screamed SEX; whether because of the mood, or because you've had it while the song played.  
_My answer: Pantera - Cemetery Gates_.  
I'll leave this one without a description. LOL

Chapter Playlist:  
Kelly Clarkson - Irvine  
_Songs Mentioned:_  
_Garbage - Number One Crush_  
_Maroon 5 - Back At Your Door_  
_Blue October - Hate Me_  
_Delta Goodrem - The Last Night On Earth_

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**Chapter 22  
BPOV  
Sunday, August 27th, 2006**

"The one leaning against the railing," Jasper said, pointing to the other side of the large opening.

"Uncertainty, regret, and… excitement?" I asked, not positive if I was right.

Jasper smiled and nodded. "I'm guessing she's uncertain of the decision she made to buy the dress she just walked out with. I would assume she's regretting it due to monetary reasons, or perhaps a person at home, but she's probably excited because she really liked it."

It made sense; I'd felt that way before while out shopping with Charlie's money.

I stilled on the bench and my breath caught in my throat. _Charlie. _My heart ached for him and I closed my eyes. I missed my father.

"Bella? What's wrong? You just shifted to an intense sadness," Jasper said, turning on the bench beside me and taking my hands.

The connection between Jasper and I wavered slightly, and the emotions of the people surrounding us in the mall faded. I took a deep breath and forced it out as I focused my mind. I pulled Jasper's mind back into my own, and strengthened the connection as the feelings around me grew more intense. I pushed out the heartache over my father and took in another breath before speaking.

"I'm sorry. I was just reminded of Charlie, and it made me miss him," I said, squeezing his hand before releasing it.

Jasper studied me for a moment before nodding. "It's alright; please don't apologize. You're allowed to have your own emotions. You recovered very quickly this time."

His praise made me smile faintly, and I glanced back at him. "Thanks, Jasper."

"Should we head back? We've been out for a while."

"Sure." I stood, and at a human's pace, walked with Jasper through the mall as I tried to focus on the emotions around me.

Over the past few weeks, Jasper had helped me practice both of my shields, and we learned more about what they were capable of. We discovered that once I got used to a person's mind within my secondary shield, it was easier to bring them into my personal mental shield. Once I connected them to my primary shield, I gained the ability to use their talent.

At first, we thought it was only mental talents, but we quickly realized that the theory didn't make sense because Jasper's empathy was a physical ability. One night, without Emmett realizing it, I pulled him into my primary shield to test the idea. We couldn't be entirely certain because it was harder for me to maintain my personal shield around Emmett, but I did feel much stronger than I normally did. I hadn't practiced shielding Emmett, so I wasn't as familiar with his mind. For the few minutes I was able to hold him within my primary, however, I could feel a surge of strength flowing through me – similar to when I first woke up, or after quenching my thirst.

Jasper was curious what this would mean with other talents. If I decided to protect Edward with my own shield, would I be able to read his, and everyone else's, thoughts? What about Alice? Would I be able to see future events like her; and if that was the case, would I see the same visions she did, or would I see my own visions?

The possibilities were a bit frightening to me; I never wanted this kind of power. When I woke up eight months ago, I thought my talent was lame, and I felt broken. Garrett had just laughed at me back then, but looking back, I almost wish that were the case. The idea of Aro and the rest of the Volturi finding out what I was capable of truly scared the living shit out of me.

"Bella?"

I shook my head and glanced at Jasper. We were almost back to the hotel, and I had completely zoned out the entire way.

"Sorry, what did you say?" I asked.

"I said you know he realizes that something is going on, right?" Jasper asked.

I sighed and nodded my head. Edward had been rather depressed lately, and every time I left with Jasper to "hunt" he would get suspicious. I couldn't keep Jasper within my primary shield for days at a time or anything, but I could pull him in quickly to check emotions around me that I might be curious about. I had done this a few times when we would return and Edward would be exceptionally quiet.

"I know," I said, nodding.

"You need to tell him. We've been going out to practice four times a week and it's really starting to bother him. Why are you so hesitant to bring it up?"

"I don't know. I guess a small part of me is afraid that if I tell him, he'll be upset."

"That doesn't make any sense, and I can tell you aren't being entirely truthful. What are you afraid of, Bella?" Jasper asked. He had stopped walking, and grabbed my forearm, pulling me gently to the side.

I stopped and stared down at the ground. I tugged at my lip ring slightly before huffing exasperatedly. "I'm afraid that the Volturi will see his thoughts, and they will know about me, alright?" I wrapped my arms around my torso and closed my eyes. I was honestly terrified of that ever happening.

Jasper was silent for a moment before taking a step toward me. He gripped my upper arms tightly and shook me slightly. "Bella. Bella look at me," Jasper demanded.

I exhaled shakily, my fear and concern probably rolling off of me in waves. Slowly, I raised my eyes to meet his.

"Bella, we will never let them hurt you. I promise you that. Shield me. Feel that I'm being sincere. You're family to me – to all of us. We will never let the Volturi come between us. Believe me." Jaspers voice was strong, confident.

I opened my shield and protected him, allowing myself to feel his emotions. He was projecting an immense amount of sincerity, but also love. I nodded and threw my arms around him as I tried to hold my sobs at bay. He held me tightly, stroking my back. He was like a brother to me. He and Garrett were so important to me; they had been there for me when I needed someone strong to help me understand. They were my rocks, and I loved them both.

"So please, don't worry about things that might never happen," Jasper said quietly in my ear.

I nodded and pulled away, smiling at him. "Thank you," I said quietly.

He nodded and smiled before holding his arm out to me. I laughed and rolled my eyes before looping my arm in his. We started walking back to the hotel again, arm in arm.

"So you'll tell him then?" Jasper asked after a moment.

I nodded and sighed. "Yeah, I probably should."

As we walked back to the hotel, Jasper and I talked about the show last night. Ottawa had been an amazing city, but the crowd was even better than any of us imagined. Apparently Maurice wasn't lying when he said it was one of the highest sales areas for Virulent Disease's album. The turnout was phenomenal, and the energy level was unbelievable. It was by far the best show of the tour to date.

When we walked into the lobby of the hotel, I didn't sense Garrett around. I felt for everyone's mind, and noticed Edward was missing as well. I followed Jasper into his room, and Alice was looking through a fashion magazine.

"Hey, Alice. Where did Garrett and Edward go?" I asked.

"They went hunting a little while ago," she said as she turned a page.

"Oh. Mind if I hang out with you guys for a while?" I asked.

Jasper smiled at me and walked over to Alice. He bent down behind her chair and kissed the back of her neck, causing her to smile brightly and set the magazine down. "No, that's fine by me," Alice replied. She stood, walked to the bed, crawled to the center and sat cross-legged. Jasper followed and wrapped his arms around her as he sat behind her. "So, what's up, Bella?" Alice asked.

"Not much. Jasper and I were just talking about the last two shows. I'm going to miss Ottawa."

"Me too! The stores alone are enough for me to love this place, but the crowd the last two nights _were_ amazing, you're right."

I chuckled as I sat in the over-stuffed chair by the window. I threw my legs over one armrest and laid my head against the other as I stared at the ceiling. I heard Alice giggle from what I'm guessing was Jasper kissing her neck. Over the few weeks of being around them, I heard learned that Jasper and Alice were really gentle and sweet with each other; it was really adorable. I remembered when I had compared their love to a religion, and realized how accurate that really was. Rosalie and Emmett weren't as openly affectionate, but they had their subtle ways of showing their love. Rosalie would lean in to Emmett and if I was paying attention, I would see her lips lift into a slight smile for a split second.

After a few moments of silence, I decided to protect Jasper with my primary shield. I was a little worried I was intruding on their time together, and didn't want to be a nuisance. At first, I sensed a deep love and contentment, but then I noticed an underlying curiosity and worry coming from Alice. I sat up in the chair, my legs still resting across the armrest.

"Hey, Alice?"

"Hm?"

"Is something bothering you?"

She furrowed her brows, her curiosity growing stronger with a slight feeling of confusion now underlying her emotions. "Why do you ask?"

Jasper glanced at me, the corner of his lips lifting slightly but his eyes didn't show any happiness. I looked down at my shoes, and shrugged. "Just curious," I said nonchalantly.

Alice was silent for a moment as she studied me. "I just miss having you around. You're always with Jazz, or Edward. I feel like you don't want me for a friend anymore," she said quietly. Jasper pulled her against his chest, wrapping his arms tighter around her as he kissed the back of her head.

I threw my legs off the armrest and quickly stood. I crossed the room in four paces, and crawled onto the bed. I sat before her on my knees and frowned before throwing my arms around her neck and hugging her. "I'm so sorry," I whispered.

Jasper leaned back, releasing Alice from his grasp as she leaned in to me, wrapping her arms around my neck. A different kind of love filled Alice, and I gasped quietly. I never knew she cared about me this much. I squeezed her tighter, and tried to send my own love to her. I felt her smile against my neck as we held each other. When we finally released each other, I took her hands in mine and smiled at her as I leaned back. "I always thought of you as my best friend. When you left, I felt like _everyone_ left me that day; my best friend, my first real love, my family. I wrote so many poems about all of you – not just Edward."

"Really?" She tilted her head slightly as she held my gaze.

I nodded and smiled. "I have books and books filled with poems and lyrics. A lot of them are about my feelings in general, or my dreams, but the more lyrical ones are about you guys, and Edward."

A sudden sense of curiosity flowed through Alice and was quickly over taken with fear. I glanced at Jasper and he looked confused as well. His eyebrows knitted together as he leaned forward. "What's wrong, love?" he asked her.

She shook her head and I frowned. She was hiding something. "Tell me, please?" he whispered in her ear.

She sighed and looked down at our hands before looking back up at me. "Would you share some of your writing with me?" she asked so quietly I was barely certain of what she said. She didn't sound like the Alice I knew – the confident, hyper and somewhat pushy vampire that once ruled my free time in my human days.

"Is that all that's wrong?" I asked, my thumb rubbing over the back of her hand.

She nodded and shrugged. "Yeah. I mean, I feel like everyone else is getting so close to you. You and I used to be like sisters, and I guess I'm a bit envious. I want to know what it was like for you while we were away."

"But you know what it was like for me, you watched for me when Edward wasn't around," I said, not completely understanding what she meant.

"I know, but… I never got to see much. I would see you at school, not talking and just writing or drawing or sometimes you were at home, doing homework or fixing dinner for Charlie. I feel like I never got to see the moments when you were hurting. That's why I never pushed Edward harder to come back – it _looked _like you were moving on."

"Alice, you must have the worst timing with your visions. There were so many days I would just sit in my room, in bed or in my window, and just write or cry. I woke up screaming from my dreams nearly every night. I definitely never _moved on."_

"I know that now, but I never saw any of that. If I had seen you waking from your sleep, or the times when you…" Her voice trailed off as she glanced at my arms and sighed. She squeezed her eyes shut tightly and a wave of guilt rolled off of her.

I eyed Jasper, my expression begging the question, "What do I do?"

He shook his head slightly and kissed the back of Alice's head again.

"I would have killed Edward if I had seen sooner what our leaving did to you," she whispered.

I grabbed her chin and lifted her head. I waited until her eyes opened and met my gaze before speaking. "Alice, listen to me, please. I missed you. All of you. Yes, your family hurt me more than I can ever truly explain, but I'm happy now. I have you all back in my life, and I'm trying to move forward. I've forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself."

Jasper smiled, his eyes glistening as he sent me a wave of love and appreciation. I stared into Alice's eyes as she blinked and nodded slowly. I smiled back and released her chin. "Let me go grab my notebooks, alright?"

She sat up straight and nodded eagerly in a typical hyperactive Alice sort of way. I grinned at the sight of her looking happy again and hopped off the bed. I retrieved my small backpack with all of my notebooks from mine and Edward's room next door. I dropped my backpack on the bed in front of Alice, and sat back down on the comfy chair beside the window with my legs hanging off the armrest.

Alice pulled all of the books out of the backpack and spread them out across the bed. They were each dated with a sharpie on the front and some even had little drawings across the top and bottom. The more recent books were covered in vines and doodles due to my boredom as we drove across Canada.

Alice picked the very first one, and I cringed slightly. I sank lower in the chair, resting my head against the other armrest and stared up at the ceiling as Alice flipped through pages, reading different poems. I shut Jasper out of my primary shield, not wanting to feel Alice's regret and sadness as she read over my painful words.

"_Number One Crush_?" Alice asked randomly.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. I always felt rather stupid, looking back on that one. "I got tired of people telling me that it was just a high school crush and that it would get better. People seemed to think I was blowing it out of proportion and I needed to get over Edward. I felt like no one understood, and I couldn't tell anyone because they would all think I was crazy. So, I wrote down all the things I would do for him, proving to myself that it was real love, not just a high school crush."

"So why the title then?" Jasper asked.

I chuckled and wrapped my arms around my torso as I shrugged. "Because it was ironic? I don't know. I felt like if my feelings for Edward really were just a crush, then he would be my number one crush for as long as I lived."

Alice laughed lightheartedly, and I smiled. I really would do all of those things for him, even still.

"These are some really heavy lyrics, Bella. I think a lot of these would make some awesome songs. Do you have a beat for any of them?" Alice asked.

"Some of them. That one I do, but it's not very detailed, just a general rhythm."

Alice went back to reading through the lyrics for a few minutes before she spotted another one to ask me about. "This one, _Hate Me_ – did you really feel that way?"

I bit my lip, tugging at the ring, and debated with myself on how to answer that. That was one of my more fluid lyrics, but I was filled with so much hate and anger when I wrote it that I couldn't stop the words from spilling onto the page. "I'm not sure I want to talk about that one," I whispered toward the ceiling. I never finished it, it was mostly just a chorus and intro and bridge, no solid verses.

"Bella, please?" Alice asked. The tone of her voice was somber, and almost apologetic.

"I blamed myself for not being good enough for him. I felt that I could never be what he wanted, and I hated myself for that. I hated myself, a lot," I admitted.

Alice didn't press me with any more questions for that song, instead she flipped through more pages silently for a while. She finished the first book and moved on to the second. She was only a couple of pages in before she gasped. "You really went to our old house, didn't you?" she asked.

I nodded. "Mhm. I went there a lot, actually, but I told you guys that the night after the first concert."

"I know, I just didn't realize," she said quietly.

"Which one are you reading?" I asked.

"_Back At Your Door_. Why did you keep going over there when it obviously hurt you so much?" she asked.

I shifted in the chair slightly, turning my head so I could see her on the bed. I shrugged and smiled. "It made me feel depressed, but it also made me feel close to him somehow. I taught myself how to play on his piano, you know."

She nodded and waited for me to continue.

"I guess because Garrett was there, it forced me to face the truth that you guys were gone, but I didn't want to let every piece go. That piano was so important to me, and that house was like my safe haven. It hurt to go there, but it brought me peace of mind as well, in an odd way."

Alice flipped through more pages and I watched her as she read each line. Sometimes she would smile brightly, or chuckle while shaking her head, but most of the time her eyebrows were knitted together and she looked upset.

"_The Last Night On Earth_?" she asked, glancing at me curiously.

If I could blush, I would have. "I… sometimes was a bit delusional, I suppose. I used to daydream that Edward would come back, and love me. I didn't care if it was on my death bed, I just wanted to see his face one more time, and hear him whisper the words I could only wish were still true."

Alice smiled faintly and nodded, understanding in her eyes. She set the book down and thumbed through the others. She lingered on one page for an exceptionally long time and I grew curious.

"Which one are you reading now?" I asked.

"Irvine."

I smiled and sat up in the chair properly before shifting on foot beneath me. "That one is about both of you," I said quietly. "…and Edward," I added.

Jasper and Alice turned to look at me, confused. "Really?" Jasper asked.

I nodded as I thought back to when I had written it. I looked at Alice as I spoke, "The line, 'Are you watching me?' is referring to you. I often wondered if you would look for my future. I used to believe that if I thought hard enough about you, you would see me. The entire first verse is actually about you and Jasper."

Alice and Jasper glanced at each other and smiled sadly. "What about the rest of it?" Jasper asked.

"Hm," I said as I thought about the rest of the lyrics. "Well, actually, the line, 'How are you so strong?' refers to Carlisle, and the line 'Your heart is really something,' is about Esme. Emmett and Rosalie even have a line, although I'm not certain they would understand what I meant by it. It's the line, 'Your love, a complete mystery to me.' All of the lyrics are linked to one of your family, and my feelings about you all. I missed you guys so much when I wrote that one. I had a week or so where it felt like you guys didn't really exist, or were maybe like guardian angels that left. I felt exposed and so alone without you."

"Will you sing this one?" Alice asked, closing the notebook and scooting to the edge of the bed eagerly.

I stared into her eyes and smiled. I could see how excited it would make her if I said yes, so I gave in without a fight. When I nodded, Alice clapped eagerly and Jasper rolled his eyes, grinning at me. I leaned back in the chair as I tried to find a rhythm for the words.

"Would you mind if I played with you?" Jasper asked.

"That would be awesome! Honestly, I can't really think of a rhythm for it, so whatever you come up with is fine."

Jasper retrieved his acoustic guitar from beside the table and sat on the edge of the small loveseat beside my chair. As he began to play, there was a soft knock at the door the same moment Alice asked, "Bella, would you mind a small audience?"

I swallowed, realizing who must be on the other side of the door. I looked to Jasper for some help, but he simply shrugged. I rolled my eyes, nodded, and Alice opened the door to invite them in_. I play twice a week in front of a huge audience; I should be able to sing in front of Edward's family._

Esme and Carlisle took a seat at the table nearest me and Jasper while Rosalie and Emmett leaned against the wall. Emmett wrapped his arms around Rosalie's waist and kissed her cheek. Her subtle smile crept up before quickly disappearing.

Jasper found a steady, repetitious rhythm, and I let him play through a few times before I decided on a lyrical beat. I tucked my feet up onto the chair, pressing my knees to my chest as I took a deep breath.

_"Are you there? Are you watching me? As I lie here on this floor."_ I smiled softly at Alice and she smiled back, her eyes glowing. I turned my head toward Jasper beside me and watched his fingers strum gently. _"They say you feel what I do,"_ I sang with a smile. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around knees. _"They say you're here every moment. Will you stay? Stay until the darkness leaves; stay here with me."_

I opened my eyes and glanced at the various people in the room as I sang. All eyes were on me, and I felt completely bare, like I was laying my soul out for them. When I reached the chorus, I closed my eyes; I couldn't look at their reactions. The chorus was written for Edward – I was so hurt that he refused to take me with him and his family. It pained me that they moved on without me.

When I opened my eyes at the end of the chorus, Edward and Garrett were at the far end of the room. I gasped slightly, taken by surprise. I swallowed and stared into Edward's eyes as I began the next verse. _"Can you feel how cold I am? Do you cry as I do?"_ I shuddered, squeezing my knees closer to my chest as I sang.

I turned to look at Carlisle, pushing my depressing thoughts out of my head, and sang each line to the person it was about. _"How are you so strong?"_ Carlisle smiled softly at me and I attempted to smile back. _"What's it like to feel so free?" _I sang to Alice, my lips still turned up. I turned back toward Carlisle and Esme and tapped gently against my legs to Jasper's rhythm. I stared at Esme as I sang, _"Your heart is really something." _I quickly turned, not wanting to see her get overly emotional, and stared at Rosalie and Emmett. _"Your love, a complete mystery to me." _

Rosalie frowned at first, but when Emmett squeezed her and kissed her hair gently, she smiled, letting her lips stay in such a happy pose for a few moments longer than usual. I smiled brightly at her before closing my eyes, tucking my knees closer to my body and resting my chin on them. I sang the last few lines of the song with my eyes closed, remembering back to when I would gaze out my window and imagine him coming back for me.

As Jasper's melody slowed to an end, a faint smile crept across my lips. I didn't have to be that girl anymore. I had a new family who wanted to be with me. I still would always miss my father and mother, but my life didn't fit with theirs anymore. I felt a wave of pain and curiosity pass through me and I opened my eyes quickly, glancing at Jasper. He quirked his brow and I sighed before looking across the room to Edward. His expression was confusing – it was like he was trying to analyze something, but the thought bothered him. I stared into his eyes for a moment, trying to figure him out, but he spoke before I came to a conclusion.

"Would you mind coming with me, Bella?" he asked quietly, his voice very controlled and emotionless.

I nodded, released my grip on my legs and stood, crossing the room in a few paces. He took my hand gently, but the gesture didn't hold the same love it normally did; _something was wrong_. He led me downstairs, through the lobby, outside, and up a large hill behind the hotel and he broke into a run. He continued until we were in the middle of a small forest. He turned sharply and stood before me, staring into my eyes. He let go of my hand, and searched my eyes.

The whole scene was horribly familiar, and I began to panic. _He's doing it again. He's going to leave me again. _My breath caught in my throat and I trembled as my mind raced, trying to figure out how I could protect myself from the heart ache this time. He narrowed his eyes and took a deep breath.

"Bella, what's wrong?"

"You're doing it again, aren't you?"

He furrowed his eyebrows and shook his head slightly. "Doing what again?"

"Leaving. This is exactly what you did last time. You took me away from everyone and into the middle of nowhere and pulled away before saying the words. You're leaving," I said quickly, my words blurring together as I tried to choke back my sobs.

_What if just ran? What if I didn't let him say the words again? It might not hurt as much._

"Bella what are you talking about?" He took a step closer and reached for my hand.

I pulled away quickly as if his touch was fire. I stared in shock at his hand and slowly followed his figure with my eyes up to his face. I shook my head repeatedly, completely in denial that I had trusted him. _I had _trusted _him._

"I won't let you hurt me again. Whatever it is, however you plan on doing this, I'm not going to listen. You can say I'm not good for you, you can tell me you don't want me, you can insist that I can't come with you, but I don't care because I'm not going to stand here and let you leave me again. I don't have to listen." I turned and ran, dashing further into the forest as my sobs tore through my body.

"Bella, wait! I'm not leaving you!" he cried out loudly.

He was faster than me; even my newborn abilities were no match for his speed. He caught me by the arm and I tried to shrug free of his grip, but he squeezed me tighter. I sank to the forest floor, hoping the sudden change in motion would make him release me, but he fell to his knees beside me and pulled me into his chest.

"Bella, talk to me, please? Why do you think I'm leaving you?" Edward asked as he held me close. He gripped me tightly and I could barely move.

"You brought me out into the woods… you had that look… you've been upset about something all week. This is how you reacted last time, when you left me back in Forks," I sobbed, my face buried in his neck. I breathed in his scent, not wanting to let him go.

"Bella," he whispered as he tried to pull away. I clung to him, not wanting to see his face when he told me he had to leave. I just wanted another few moments with him before he took it all away. "Bella. Please, look at me."

I sighed, and a sob racked through my body as I freed myself from his arms. I kept my eyes closed and my face down as I waited for him to say the words. I couldn't out run him, so I would be forced to hear them all over again. His finger brushed against the bottom of my chin and he slowly lifted my face. His thumb slid over my bottom lip gently, and another sob escaped my lips. I opened my eyes, and stared into his golden ones.

"Bella, I'm not leaving you. I'll never leave you again. I love you. Please, believe me." He kissed my lips gently and pulled me closer to him. We were both on our knees on the forest floor, inches from each other.

I crawled closer, urging myself to believe him and not let him go. I deepened the kiss, but kept it to just pressed lips. Slowly, I pulled back, pleading with the world for him to be telling the truth, and for that to not be the last taste of him on my lips.

"Will you tell me what's wrong now?" he asked quietly, staring into my eyes with a cautious smile.

"Nothing's wrong. You're the one who brought me out here," I pointed out.

"Something's been bothering you. I've felt it for the past week or more. You're keeping something from me, and it has me really worried."

I frowned and looked down, but his finger pressed against my chin, raising my face back up to meet his gaze. I sighed and nodded as he dropped his hand. "I have been keeping something from you, but it's nothing _wrong, _per say."

"Whatever it is, you can tell me."

I took in a deep breath, drawing in all the strength I could muster and focused on Edward's mind. I opened my shield to him, allowing him in entirely and protecting him with it. _I love you, Edward._

He gasped and leaned back with wide eyes. '_I heard her. I heard her thoughts. She's been keeping this from me?'_

I nodded and smiled faintly. _I have. I'm so sorry. Will you forgive me?_

_'Wait, you can hear me, too?'_

_Afraid so. _I chuckled and widened my smile. His eyes grew wider as he gasped again.

"But why would you keep this from me?" he asked.

I looked down at bit my lip. _I wanted to be certain. It sounds so stupid, I'm sure, but I was also afraid you wouldn't love me as much._

_'Why would you think that?' _ He practically shouted at me mentally.

_Because you always said that you loved the silence when you were with me._

_'But I also told you time and time again that I wished I could hear what you were thinking,' _he thought.

I nodded, tugging on my lip ring as I stared at our hands.

_'It's so amazing… Bella… How are you doing this? Can you read everyone's thoughts?'_

I shook my head and tried to think of how to explain, of course, Edward heard me trying to shuffle through the way to phrase it, and gasped even louder than before.

_'You can access other talents! Oh my God, Bella, do you realize what this means?'_

My mind flashed through all of my fears of Aro and the Volturi finding out, and taking me away from the Cullens. Edward threw his arms around me so tightly that it knocked out all of the air from my lungs.

"That will _never _happen, do you understand me? They will **_never _**take you from me." His words rang in my ears as I nodded, trying to believe him. He pulled away quickly, gripping my upper arms tightly as he stared at me. "I'm serious, Bella. No one could force you out of my arms. They would have to kill me first."

I sobbed at the mention of his death and threw myself back into his arms. _I love you. I love you so much. Please don't ever leave me._

_'Shh, Love, shh. I'm not going anywhere. I'll promise you that every day if that's what it takes for you to believe me.' _He rocked me back and forth a few times before leaning back, pulling me with him as he lay down in the dirt.

I laid over him, my arms still wrapped around his neck and my head resting against his collar-bone. I kissed his jaw gently and closed my eyes, breathing in his scent. I kept his mind protected with my primary shield as I thought of how much I loved him, and how much he meant to me. He lightly kissed my forehead and hair repeatedly as I lay in his arms.

I thought of how Jasper taught me to use my talent, and how I learned to use his over the last few weeks and he held me tighter as he thought of how proud of me he was. I smiled as I continued to press my lips to his jaw and collar-bone, replaying the last few weeks in my head. I loved that I could kiss him and still be talking to him. He chuckled softly as the thought passed through my mind and I grinned. It was interesting to listen to his thoughts as I thought my own, however, the vampire speed helped.

He chuckled again, his chest vibrating slightly and I sighed contentedly. I thought back to just a week ago when we sang to each other as we kissed. He moaned slightly and wiggled under me. I felt as his erection throbbed against me and I gasped. I quickly shut him out of my mind and sat up. I held my hands against his chest and tugged on my lip ring as I avoided his gaze. I wasn't sure I was ready for _that _yet, and I definitely didn't want him hearing me worry about it in all of my paranoid glory.

"What's wrong?" Edward asked quietly. He rubbed his hand up and down over my forearms gently.

"I'm just… not yet, please?"

Edward propped himself up on his elbows, leaning forward to look into my eyes that were cast downward. "Hey?"

I slowly met his eyes and bit the inside of my cheek.

"That's okay. I'm not pushing. I'm ready whenever you're ready. I want us to go slow too, okay?"

I nodded and he smiled at me as he sat up all the way. He brushed my hair over my shoulder and held his palm to my cheek, his thumb brushing along my neck. He kissed me gently before scooting me closer to him, his erection still pressing between my legs.

"I can't help how you make me feel though," he whispered into my ear before kissing my jaw.

I shivered and drew in a quick breath as I closed my eyes. I opened my mind to him again, shielding him with my primary, and ran through all my thoughts of what he did to me when I was human. He groaned into my ear as he thrust his hips against me. I saw in his mind as he thought of all of the things I did back then that drove him crazy, and I rolled my head back, moaning. He kissed down my throat to my collar-bone and sucked my flesh between his lips carefully.

I gasped and dug my nails into his shoulders, causing him to hiss.

_'God, Bella. The things you do to me.'_

I grinned and showed him the things he did to me. He thrust up against me again before licking my neck. He put his hands under me and pulled me closer to him as he stood quickly. I wrapped my legs around him and buried my face in his neck, littering his skin with kisses.

_'We should get back to the hotel before I'm tempted to push this further.'_

I laughed softly and nodded as I sighed. I thought about his family, and the time I spent with Alice today as he ran us back to the hotel. I realized that we should probably tell his family and he agreed. The idea of being able to read all of their thoughts crossed my mind and Edward stopped abruptly.

"You said you couldn't read everyone's thoughts."

"I thought you meant all the time. If I'm shielding you, I _think _I'll be able to read their thoughts, just like you can. That's how it works with Jasper's talent anyway."

_'Have you tried with anyone else's talent?' _

I nodded, and replayed the experiment with Emmett and the few times I tried with Garrett's talent.

_'How long can you shield them with your primary?'_

_A few hours or until I'm really distracted or extremely sad._

_'Why sadness?'_

_We aren't sure, but I always seem to block Jasper out when I think too much about things that really upset me. I thought about Charlie earlier and my shield slipped, and I pushed his connection away._

Edward continued the journey back toward the town as he ran through different ideas as to why. Neither of us came to any conclusions by the time we got back to the hotel room. We could hear everyone still in Alice and Jasper's suite, so we knocked on their door. Alice flung the door open and scowled at me as I slipped down from Edward's arms.

_'Great, now she's blocking his future too,' _Alice thought.

Edward and I chuckled and she eyed us suspiciously. A split second later, I was assaulted with everyone's thoughts and I gripped my head tightly as I fell to the floor. It was so _loud. _I shut Edward out quickly and closed my shield around myself. Edward pulled me against him as he picked me up from the floor, whispering that he was sorry. "I should have warned you," he said quietly.

I could feel Jasper sending me waves of fake calm, but I noticed the underlying concern as well. He had taught me to pick up on subtle emotions, and I was getting pretty good at it. "Bella?" Jasper asked from somewhere very close by.

"She got overwhelmed," Edward said in an awkward voice. He sounded like he was trying to convey the meaning behind his words without speaking them.

There was a long silence as I took steady breaths. I opened my eyes and looked around slowly. Everyone looked concerned. Edward set me back on my feet again, but left his hands on my waist.

"I'm sorry, I was expecting that," I said quietly to the room in general.

"What happened?" Carlisle asked.

"Bella has discovered that she has some new abilities with her shields," Edward said for me.

I bit my lip and nodded.

"I have a confession, actually. I—" But before I could finish, Carlisle's phone rang.

He frowned and gave me an apologetic look. He glanced at the caller I.D. looked confused. "It's Eleazar," he said to the room.

He pressed a button and held it to his ear. "Hello, dear friend."

He listened for a brief moment before frowning more. "I don't understand."

We all exchanged a confused glance.

"Are you sure it was her?" He paused and nodded. "How long ago did she leave?" He checked his watch and glanced at Edward and I.

I felt Edward growl before I heard him. I turned and looked at him, confused. His expression shocked me entirely – he looked enraged. "What's wrong, Edward?" I whispered.

He closed his eyes and clenched his jaw tightly, his grip on my waist tightening.

"Can you track the scent?" Carlisle asked. "No, I know it's not your concern. I'm sorry. I shouldn't push for you to get involved in this." He paused, pinching the bridge of his nose.

I looked from Carlisle back to Edward who was still shaking with rage. I tried to turn but his grip was too tight. I raised a hand to his face and stared into his closed eyes, willing for him to look at me. I contemplated shielding him so I could hear what was bothering him, but I didn't want a repeat of earlier.

"Thank you for calling, my friend. I'm sorry you were dragged into this. If she returns, please call," Carlisle said quickly. A moment later he hung up the phone.

"NO!" Edward growled.

I jumped, yanking myself out of his arms and took a step away.

"Edward, Son, calm down. We can talk about this," Carlisle said calmly.

I looked to Jasper, terrified of what was happening. His eyes were focused intensely on Edward and I could feel the fake calm radiating out of him. I glanced to Carlisle, praying silently that he would say _something _that made sense.

"Carlisle, what is it? What did Eleazar have to say?" Esme said as she placed a hand on his arm.

He sighed and looked at her, sadness in his eyes. "He said that they just had a visitor. They threatened him and his family for answers, and he didn't have a choice but to give them to them."

"Who?" I whispered.

"Victoria."

The room spun and the loudest snarl I had ever heard came from somewhere behind me. I covered my mouth with my hands and trembled. _Charlie. She'll kill him. _

"She won't touch him," Carlisle said, trying to tame my fear that I had apparently said out loud. "Jasper, Garrett, you two have the most experience with newborn armies," Carlisle said, the tone in his voice changing to business-like.

"An army?" I cried out. I sank to my knees, my eyes wide with shock.

"NO!" Edward screamed. "I'm finishing this, once and for all. I should have over a year ago!" He turned toward the door.

"Edward, don't!" Alice shrieked, and all eyes turned to her. Her eyes were wide and her gaze was unfocused.

Edward turned to her, no doubt watching her vision unfold. He growled loudly again and pinched the bridge of his nose. He bent down, lifted me up and held his hands to my face, forcing me to look at him. "I am _not _leaving you. I promise you that, Bella. I'm going to track her down, and then protect Charlie."

"No! Edward, don't leave! Let me come with you," I pleaded, shaking my head.

He looked past me as he straightened up, his hands still holding my face. His eyes focused on something for a moment before nodding. "That should work, Alice."

He looked back down at me and kissed my forehead. He dropped his hands, smiled faintly at me, and then looked up at everyone in the room. I wrapped an arm around his waist, trying to keep a hold of him as if he would disappear if I didn't, and looked at Alice. She attempted to smile at me, but I could see the worry in her eyes.

"Alice will reserve a hotel a few cities away from the newborn encampment. I'll meet you all there once I track Victoria down. I'm the fastest runner, and we can't let her trail dissipate. This is our only chance to know where she is. I'll alert the Quileute's as to her return, and tell them to protect Charlie," Edward said quickly.

"I'll tell them," Garrett said, and everyone looked at him, confused. "I have Sam's phone number, and I think they would rather hear from me right now, than _any _of you."

Carlisle nodded. "Thank you, Garrett. Let us know what he has to say. Victoria knows that Bella didn't die, be sure to let them know that as well."

"What? How do they know?" I asked.

"Eleazar didn't say, but Bella, we're going to do everything we can to protect Charlie, alright?"

I nodded slowly, turning to gauge Edward's temper. He looked focused, and I wondered whose thoughts he was listening to. I followed his gaze to Jasper, who gave me a quick nod. I furrowed my brows, completely confused as to what was going to happen.

"Alright, Edward will run west. If he stays on track, he will catch her scent and be able to follow it back to the newborn camp. I can't see anything after that because he keeps changing his mind. We'll head back in that direction with the gear, and meet up in three days. Garrett will call Sam, but I can't see the outcome because everything connected with them is black," Alice said quickly.

Everything was happening so fast. _Edward's leaving – alone. He's going to follow Victoria to a newborn camp. What if he gets caught? What if he gets… killed? _I shook violently, incapable of holding my sobs back. _I have to go with him._

"Please, Edward. Let me come with you," I pleaded.

He wrapped his arms around me tightly and kissed the top of my head. "You can't," he whispered. "I promise I'll come back to you, Bella. I promise, but I need to do this – for us. I promise I'll be back in your arms in less than four days. I waited over a century for you, and thought I lost you once already, I'm never going to risk losing you again." He held his lips to my hair for a long time before he slowly pulled away and looked into my eyes. "I love you," he whispered.

"I love you," I said with a shaky voice. "Come back to me," I begged quietly.

He nodded once, and then he was gone.

* * *

**A/N:** I'm in the process of re-editing and formatting all of the previous chapters. Hence, the new look at the top. Just a note though, the story is wrapping up soon, and I'm still debating an epilogue, and the possibility of a sequel. Let me know what you guys think, and want. We've got 6-8 chapters left. SO many of you have mentioned "Irvine" time and time again, so I decided to throw it in. I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and how the song related to Bella.

**Song question for the chapter:** A song that reminds you of someone far away? Emphasis on the distance between you.


	27. Ch 23: Serendipity

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you all for a song that screamed SEX; whether because of the mood, or because you've had it while the song played.  
_My answer: Pantera - Cemetery Gates_.  
I'll leave this one without a description. LOL

Chapter Playlist:  
Snow Patrol – Set The Fire To The Third Bar

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

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* Mild Violence *  
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**Chapter 23  
EPOV  
Monday, August 28th, 2006**

For the third time in my one-hundred-six years of existence, my feet hit the ground with an extreme sense of urgency as my mind raced with only one thought in my mind: _Bella._

The first time was a year and a half ago when the newest student to enroll in Forks High had the most delectable scent to ever cross my path. I ran, cursing the name Bella Swan, until I found myself in the snowy covered state of Alaska. I was irritated that a simple, plain, and un-important human girl could cause something so strong to stir within me, and test my strength and dedication to my father's lifestyle that he had instilled upon me nearly a century ago.

The second was when I heard, and _saw, _her life come to, what I had perceived at the time, its end. For six months I grieved and struggled to find a way to walk through the world as if I had something to live for. For twenty weeks, the _only _thing on my mind was the name _Bella._

Now, only a month after discovering that she still walked this earth, my feet carried me _away _from Bella, with only her on my mind, and the thought of protecting her.

The wind whistled past me, creating a constant hum in my ears as my shoes beat a steady rhythm into the dirt beneath them. I listened for any possible life form around me as I flew past the trees, pushing my way closer to my destination with every chant of the word, _Bella._

Alice had seen it – she knew that I would make it to Victoria's base of operations, and I would consider multiple options when I saw exactly what the woman had planned for me, my family, and my love. Alice had also seen that I would cross her scent before entering Alaska. Just south of Kamloops there would be a stronger trail than the one coming directly from the Denali's. If I went to the Denali's, it would take me an extra two days of tracing the coast lines before I would come across her scent again.

I reminded myself to buy Alice something amazing, and expensive, if I made it out of this alive.

As if on cue, my phone vibrated in my pocket. My hand dug into my pocket, and without slowing down I pulled my phone out and pressed accept in less than a second.

"I think a car would be wonderful," my sisters light voice said on the other end of the line.

I rolled my eyes and waited for her to get to the point.

"Anyway. We just crossed into Saskatchewan. We're going to drop the gear off at the hotel in Calgary, and stow the RV. We're taking the red eye out to Kamloops, British Columbia, and we will land at nine-thirty-one in the evening on Wednesday due to delays. It's the earliest flight with the shortest delay we can get. Edward, I still can't see what you'll decide when you get there, but so far you're on the right path. Just continue west, and jog south a little when you pass Kamloops. You'll hit her scent within an hour of leaving city bounds. When you smell blood, _stop._ If you get any closer, someone will notice you, and I can't see what happens next. Be careful." Alice finally stopped speaking and exhaled loudly into the receiver.

"How is she?" I asked.

I could almost hear Alice's smile. "She's doing okay. Her talent is amazing, Edward. Who knew a defensive ability could be so… amazing. Seriously."

"That's not what I meant, Alice," I said, sounding almost as frustrated as I felt.

Alice sighed again and paused. "She's hanging in there. She's really anxious; she keeps using my ability to check your future. I think she just likes to see you, but sometimes she catches glimpses of you being caught and it destroys her all over again. Jasper has to pull her back out of it, and… Edward, just be safe, okay? Wait for all of us to act. You don't know how to deal with a newborn, let alone an army of them. Be careful, for Bella. Okay?"

I nodded even though she couldn't see it. "I will. Can I speak with her?" I asked.

Alice hesitated and I heard mumbling in the background. "I don't think that would be a good idea right now. She's still trying to calm down from the last vision. I wish I had a way to block her, Edward. She's torturing herself."

"Please, Alice. Put her on. I'll try and calm her. I just need to hear her voice."

She sighed and I heard the phone rumbling around. "Edward."

The pain in her voice pulled at my heart and I almost stopped running. "Bella."

"Edward, I swear to God if you keep going when you get there, I'll… I'll." She broke out into sobs, not able to finish her sentence.

"Shh, Bella. It's okay. I promise you. I'm just going to find their location, and see how many there appears to be, and then I'm turning around to meet you at the hotel in Kamloops, alright?"

"That's only one of the possibilities. Your curiosity gets the best of you in the other two. _Please," _she pleaded. She sighed into the receiver before speaking again. "Please, Edward. Promise me. Find it, and turn around," she whispered.

"I promise. I swore to you I wouldn't leave you, and I'm keeping that promise."

"I love you," she whispered.

"I love you, too. Give me a call if either of you see anything new, or if the plans change, alright? Two days. I'll see you in _two_ days."

"Alright. Be careful."

"You too," I whispered before hanging up. I slid my phone back into my jean's pocket, and pushed my feet faster.

./.

It took me nearly an entire day to run from the south-east corner of Ontario to the east border of British Columbia. Just as Alice had said, once I exited Kamloops city line, I caught Victoria's scent. I could only guess she had come here to hunt, or recruit. Jasper suggested that we get a hotel room there, figuring that she wouldn't hunt the same area twice so soon if she were playing it smart.

He was probably right; being positioned so close to the Washington state border, she had dozens of cities to choose from, and plenty of her victims would be travellers who wouldn't be declared missing for days, if not weeks.

Jasper and Garrett were working on the plans for how to attack, and strategizing our forces – making sure we used every advantage we had. Somewhere deep in the recess of my mind, I knew that Bella would be one of our strongest assets, but it terrified me too much to linger on it for very long. I was going to have to let her fight her own battles, but I wouldn't let her do it on her own. My family and I would see to that.

I dropped my phone off at the base of a tree because I knew I was going to have to swim if I wanted to cover my tracks. I turned directly south from Kamloops, and ran into Washington, cutting west just before hitting Oregon and headed straight for the shore. I swam north toward British Columbia, and once I reached what I guessed was roughly the middle of the west shore, I hit the ground running again. The plan was to make it look as though I had come from Alaska, but my scent would never show up anywhere north, appearing to be a dead end. I doubted Victoria would think to look any further south than Washington.

I continued south-east and prayed to hit her trail from this direction soon. It would take me another day to backtrack; swim down around to Oregon and run to Kamloops. By sundown Tuesday, I crossed her scent and felt relieved that it worked. Another forty-five minutes of running, and the smell intensified.

I came across a clearing filled with uprooted trees, and the scent of multiple vampires hit me. I heard their thoughts, and came to a stop, ducking behind a large tree for cover. I stepped carefully as I worked my way around, just outside the clearing. I had no idea how their base was laid out, and the last thing I needed was to come across a scout. I leapt onto a nearby sturdy branch in a tree along the edge of the clearing, and prayed that no one heard me.

I climbed further up the tree in hopes of getting a better view and being less visible. I scanned the clearing and spotted a few wooden dwellings that looked like they could have been old houses decades ago. Half of one wall was caved in, and the other two buildings weren't in that great of shape. There were wood chips everywhere and a few lifeless bodies discarded off to the side by a pile of charred lumber.

I focused on their minds, attempting to count the newborns. A large group of voices were bickering with each other about some outing they had returned from. One male was particularly upset about the count being down, and I wondered what they were referring too. I counted five in that particular conversation before shifting to others.

There were two discussing the encampment, and they sounded more focused than the first five; possibly not as new to this lifestyle. I counted four more random minds that were simply thinking various things from the training to blood, and two that sounded as if they were bored – possibly scouts.

I listened for another ten minutes before I heard one of them bring up the "gold eyes". It immediately caught my attention, and I realized it was the two who had been previously discussing the encampment. The female was talking about the rules, and how Victoria was concerned that the "gold eyes" might come searching. I smirked at the irony, but didn't make a sound.

I double checked my count, and determined there were thirteen minds, but no sign of Victoria. I slowly climbed out of the tree, scanning the area before dropping to the ground. I kept my senses keen as I slowly and silently walked back the direction I had come. I knew that they would pick up on my scent, and decided to make the quickest route back to the shore in hopes of dividing their forces when they searched, and keeping them confused for a few extra days.

Just as I made it far enough away from the clearing to break into a run, a thought caught my attention.

_'This smells like a different one.' _

I realized that it was one of the scouts I had heard earlier, and immediately went into defensive mode. I saw via their mind that they were just leaving the clearing and following my trail. The second scout noticed them leave their position and turned to follow.

_Do I run for the shore, or fight? _I could probably outrun them, but they could still see me swimming. If I stayed and fought, I could take two out now, weakening the camp, and we could strike sooner than later. _Shit I wish I had my phone to call Alice. _She had said that she couldn't see the outcome if I got caught because she wasn't sure what I would chose.

I made a split-second decision and leapt into the tree beside me, and waited. The girl's thoughts were filled with confusion as to why Jason would leave his post, and mild fear of being attacked. Jason, the male scout, was eager to prove that he could fight and win.

_Stay focused, stay alert. Don't turn to the side, and never expose your back._ Jasper's advice from the night I left rang clearly in my head as I waited. As the scout passed beneath me, I dropped down. He skidded to a stop and turned around, wide eyed and grinning. I crouched and waited for him to make the first move, waving him forward. He snarled and lunged toward me, leaving his sides exposed. _He's definitely a newborn with little fighting experience._

I read his moves in his head, slipped to the side, and waited for him to plan his next action. He rolled across the ground and sprang back to his feet, turning to face me. I sidestepped slowly – waiting for his next action and listening to the girl get closer. I hoped she would distract him, and give me a chance to strike.

He lunged again, this time twisting to go for my arm. I spun to the side and leapt around him, grabbing hold of his wrist as he hit the ground. I spun and tossed him against the tree that I knew the girl would be passing in a moment.

She froze in shock, her mind exposing exactly how terrified of fighting she was. I glanced at her as I crouched down, waiting for the male get to his feet. She gasped, and recognized my gold eyes. She played through all the warnings a girl named Christy had given them about my family as she slowly backed up.

"Wait," I called out, but I heard the male's thoughts just before he lunged for me again.

I ducked and turned, grabbing his foot as he passed over me. He hit the ground hard and growled, cursing me in his mind. I pulled him up as I stood and threw him into another tree. There was a loud crack and the tree shook violently, his body falling to the ground once more. I sprang toward him, one foot landing in the center of his back and grabbed his arms. I pulled them back, snapping them at his shoulders, and tossed them beside the tree.

He hissed and cried out as he arched his back. I grabbed him by the back of his hair and pulled him up. I fisted his shirt and held him as I slammed him against the tree again. I pushed his head to the side and in one quick motion, bit into his neck and ripped it off.

I dropped him to the ground and turned toward the girl. If vampires could have panic attacks, she would have been. All that was running through her head was pure terror.

I slowly stepped toward her, my hand out, palm up, like you would approach a stray animal.

"What's your name?" I asked calmly.

She gasped, matching my steps with her own as she tried to back away.

"B-B-B…" she stuttered, but I heard her name in her head.

"Bree, I'm not going to hurt you if you don't try to hurt me," I said as I stopped moving.

"How'd y-you—"

"I can read your thoughts." I stopped and held my hands up, trying to appear as non-threatening as possible. However, my words caused her to panic even more.

Her eyes were wide as she trembled. She backed into a tree and gasped, looking behind her.

I took the split-second distraction to run to her, and grabbed her by the arms. I held her to the tree, uncertain if I should spare her life or end her now, and not take the chance of her turning against me.

Screaming flashed across her mind, but I covered her mouth a second sooner than she managed to act on the thought, both of her wrists being pinned with one hand above her. She was so petite and fragile looking, she couldn't be any older than fifteen.

"Bree, I need you to trust me. Victoria has been lying to you. My family, the ones with the gold eyes, won't hurt you, as long as you don't try to hurt us. I know you're afraid of fighting,"

Fear and curiosity crossed her mind as to how I knew.

"I told you, I can read your thoughts. Do you not believe me?"

Several different thoughts crossed her mind before she managed to pull herself together and answer clearly._ 'I believe you, but why did you kill Jason then?' _she thought.

"Because he tried to kill me. I came here to see how many newborns Victoria had. I didn't plan on being spotted. If I let go of you, do you promise not to run or scream?"

She was confused by the name Victoria and the word newborns, which struck me as odd. _'I promise. Just don't kill me.'_

"I won't kill you." I slowly uncovered her mouth and released her hands. I took a step back and stared at her. "I need to get out of here, before someone else happens across my trail. I'd like it if you came with me. You don't seem to like it much here, anyway. Am I right?" I asked, smiling softly at her.

She nodded, the fear still ringing through her mind but she took a step toward me. "Where are you going?" she whispered.

"The long way home." I turned and collected up the pieces of the newborn known as Jason, and turned to Bree. "Can you help me carry these pieces? We have to burn them, but not here."

She was utterly confused, but nodded.

"Carry his arms and his head – I'll take his body." I pointed to the pieces by the tree and threw his torso over my shoulder. It was like carrying a slab of stone.

"I'm trusting you, Bree. Please, don't break that trust. We can talk once we know we're far enough away."

She nodded and cradled the arms, the head resting on top. It wasn't the most natural sight, and it only made her appear younger. I frowned and broke in to a run. She managed to keep up, but I wasn't going my full speed. We cut straight across toward the shore, just barely on the outskirts on Vancouver.

"Can you handle your thirst yet?" I asked.

She swallowed, doubt running through her head but nodded. I smiled and dropped the torso on the ground by some trees. I tapped my temple and smiled, but she frowned and looked down. "That's fine, it just means we need to be careful. Will you stay here while I slip into the town to get some fire? We should burn him soon."

"Yeah, just hurry," she said quietly, swallowing again.

I nodded and ran full speed toward the city. The first gas station I came across, I bought a Zippo. I was in and out in less than a minute, and running back to where I had left Bree. She was crouched against a tree with her arms around her waist, looking terrified.

"Hey," I whispered as I came around the tree.

She jumped and squeaked before noticing it was me. She berated herself in her head and I didn't bother to interrupt. She would calm down soon. "Toss those into that little clearing there. This is going to be a pretty big fire, but we're close enough to the shore it shouldn't do too much damage."

She did as I said and stood there waiting, with wide eyes. I put the largest piece on top and held my arm out to her, backing her up. She stumbled backward but remained next to me. I flicked the zippo open, struck it, and tossed it onto the pile. She shrieked lightly and grabbed my arm, her constant fear and confusion still ringing in her head. I pulled her to me, shielding her face against the side of my chest and stroked her hair. "Hey, it's going to be alright. My family and I will take care of you," I whispered.

She sobbed gently against my shirt, her hands fisting the material. I slowly pulled away and smiled down at her. "Come on. We need to keep moving. Can you swim?"

She nodded slightly and wrapped her arms back around her torso. She looked so tiny and scared.

"Come on then, let's make it a race." I grabbed her hand and bolted toward the shore. A slight smile crossed her lips as she dropped my hand and tried to outrun me. She didn't really stand a chance, but I let her think that she did.

We made it to the shore within minutes, and I led the way south. We had to stay under the surface, especially while weaving through all of the ports, but we made it to the open ocean within a few hours and headed toward Oregon. I knew with Bree still being a newborn that she wouldn't be able to pass through the populated areas so I would have to change the route accordingly.

I decided to get back on land bellow Barview, Oregon, and we crossed the freeway in the early hours of the morning, entering the Elliot State Forest. I slowed down once I knew there were no humans around for miles, and decided to have my talk with Bree. She was confused as to why we had stopped, but decided to not ask in fear of getting in trouble. She sat down at the base of a tree and swallowed – her thirst was getting to her.

"Hey, I think we're in the clear now, and we should talk," I said softly as I sat across from her, leaning against a tree as well.

She nodded and swallowed again, her nose wrinkling slightly from the burn in her throat.

"Let's start with why my family have different eyes. Did anyone tell you that?"

She shook her head as the conversations from the camp ran through her head. She had been warned that we have talents that make us stronger, but not much else.

"My family doesn't believe in killing people for blood. We refuse to drink from humans."

'_But then you'll starve,' _she thought.

I shook my head and smiled. "No, we drink from animals. It doesn't taste as good, but it works just the same. Did anyone ever tell you the rules of our world?"

'_Kill or be killed. Fight for the territory. The strongest gets the most blood.'_

I sighed and pinched the bridge of my nose. _They aren't teaching them anything. They're teaching them to be an army, not how to survive. _"No, those are the rules they made up to turn you into an army with a suicide mission. Bree, whoever was running your group, didn't plan on any of you surviving. There is one rule in our world and that is: keep the secret."

"But why would they lie to us?" she asked.

"Because they are out for revenge, and they know that my family is strong. Let's keep to one topic at a time though, shall we?" She nodded and I sighed. There was so much more to explain than I had anticipated. "Alright, my family believes in the goodness of humanity. We don't approve of killing humans for blood. There aren't many that share our opinion in this world, but there are a few, and we all have a strong friendship. Others of our kind would call us a Coven, but we like to think of ourselves as a family."

The idea of family ran through her mind, and images of abuse and starvation lingered before she wrapped her arms around herself. She never really knew the feeling of family or love. My heart broke even more for the poor girl.

"I'm sorry for the life you've led. You must not have a strong faith in mankind, but please understand that not all of the humans are that way, and not all family is the same. We look out for each other, and we have our mates. You're welcome to come back with me to my family, but you must understand what that means. We don't allow killing humans for blood, you would have to abstain, and drink from animals as we do. If you don't think you want to come with me, that's fine as well, but I'd like to ask you more questions about the camp before you leave. The choice is yours."

She thought hard about her option. She was used to being alone, and fending for herself, but it's also what got her into this mess. She didn't like having to kill innocent people, but she wasn't sure she could abstain either. She looked up at me and swallowed. "I can try your way, if you'll show me how," she said quietly.

I smiled as I stood and walked toward her, offering my hand. "Let's get you something to drink then."

./.

Bree was shy about hunting. She wasn't used to letting her instincts take over; they had usually brought humans back to the encampment for the youngest of the newborns. There was no hunting involved and no need to learn how to be silent. She had alerted the first of her prey and had to chase it, but by the third she had gotten better at being quiet. She had made a mess of her shirt, so I offered her my button up, leaving me with just my t-shirt. I showed her how to bury the bodies, and explained the importance of not killing too many of the same thing in the area and covering her tracks. We buried her stained shirt as well before heading for Kamloops. She had decided to come with me.

As we ran, I told her of my family, and explained their talents so that she wouldn't be caught off guard. She was genuinely surprised that so many of us were talented. I saw in her head that only one at the encampment had been talented, and she was basically their leader. She suspected that our talents could be why they continued to change more humans, insisting on having more numbers.

The fact that they were still changing humans really bothered me. They were down to eleven, and surely they would seek to replace the numbers they had lost soon. I knew that Jasper would want to wait until we were all trained properly before attacking, but I didn't think we could waste much more time.

Bree slowly opened up, and verbally asked more questions. I was pleased that she wasn't acting so shy or timid, but still concerned about her thirst and bringing her into a town.

By noon on Wednesday, I grew concerned that the sun could cause a complication. I had Bree wait on the outskirts of a town as I ran in to buy a cheap cell phone, a map, and a few t-shirts. I barely managed to slip out of town before the sun broke through the clouds completely. We found a large boulder that could shield us from the sun while I activated the phone, and called Alice.

"About time you thought of buying a new phone," my sister's familiar voice said.

"Don't start, just tell me what I need to know," I said.

"Since you took a different route to avoid cities, you'll have to wait until sundown before you can continue across the border. You'll make it here a few hours after us."

"Is she going to be okay coming into the town?" I asked as I glanced at Bree.

"She'll be okay. Hunt again before you cross the border, and that should be good enough. We'll have to take turns hunting with her every day, but she'll adjust fine. Don't leave her alone in a city, no matter what you do, though."

I nodded and smiled at Bree. She sighed slightly and hugged her legs to her chest beside me.

"How's Bella?" I asked.

"She's better. She thought of running after you when you decided to stay and fight, but she saw the outcome and Jasper helped her calm down. Her having access to my talent isn't the safest thing for all of our nerves, you know," she said lightheartedly.

I chuckled and nodded. "Yeah, I can understand that. It took you years to learn how to control it, she's still learning. Give her time. Can I talk to her?"

"Sure, we have to get on the plane in a couple of hours, so you have time, just don't kill your battery."

"Thanks, Alice. I'll see you soon."

"Edward?" Bella's voice whispered on the other end.

"Hello, Love. I'm sorry I worried you."

"I'll scold you for it later, but right now I'm just happy to hear your voice."

I smiled and closed my eyes as I exhaled. "It's good to hear your voice too."

"I've been staring at this map, tracing your route. You look so close, but I know you're far away."

I pulled out the map in my pocket and found Calgary. I rubbed my finger over the spot on the map and imagined her smile. "It's not that far. I'll be with you soon. Less than a day," I whispered.

"I know. I miss you, Edward."

"I miss you too. Be safe," I whispered, wondering if she would remember when I wrote the words on a note for her.

"I kept it, you know," she said softly.

"I know. I saw it the night I came back, looking for you."

There was a long silence before Bella spoke again. "Take care of her, alright?"

"I am." I smiled at Bree again and her lips lifted at the corners slightly.

"Jasper is worried about her being too much to handle, but Carlisle told him to not worry about that. I think he and Esme already care for her, and they haven't even seen her yet. They're proud of you. I am too."

I smiled wider at her words and nodded. "I love you. We'll be there soon. I should go, though. This phone isn't fully charged."

"Yeah. Alright, be careful, Edward."

"I will."

"I love you. You should write some music while you're stuck there. I know you have words floating around in your head."

I furrowed my brows, curious as to how she could know that, but then I remembered Alice and sighed. "I think I'll do that. See you soon, Love."

"Bye, Edward."

I hung up and slipped the phone back in my pocket. I glanced at Bree and she was smiling wider than I'd seen before. "What?" I asked.

"Nothing," she said quietly as she turned her head away. Her mind gave her happiness away though. She was touched at how much I seemed to care about the girl on the phone, as she called her. I reached over and rubbed her back gently in circles.

"I told you. We're a family."

She turned back and furrowed her brows. She was concerned that my family wouldn't accept her.

"Carlisle and Esme are already excited to meet you, and Bella, my mate, and Alice, my sister just told me to look out for you. Don't even worry about them not liking you, it's not in their nature to dislike people."

Her lips lifted slightly and she nodded before resting her chin on her knees. She looked a lot like a younger Bella, and it made me want to protect her even more. I looked back down at the map and sighed. She was so close, but still further away than I was comfortable with. I remembered Bella's comment about writing music while we waited, and turned to Bree.

"Do you like music?" I asked.

She nodded and laughed quietly. "Who doesn't?"

I laughed and shrugged. Stupid question, I guess. "What kind of music do you like?"

"Soft rock, mostly. My favorite band is A Perfect Circle."

I nodded; I'd heard of them. "My family and I are in two different bands. We're actually touring across Canada right now. Perhaps you would like to come to our last two shows?"

She nodded eagerly and sat up against the tree. "Of course. That is, if I can manage to be in a room with so many people."

_Right. Hadn't thought of that. _"Well, our last show is actually at a Vampire only club, so I'm sure you'd do fine there." _As long as the blood doesn't bother you._

"That would be awesome. What kind of music?" she asked. I hadn't seen her open up this much in the past day. I smiled at the progress she was making and thought of how to respond.

"Hm, that's a tough question. Rock, definitely, but more electronic sounding than you typical band these days. Alice, her mate Jasper, and I are in one band, and Bella and her friend Garrett are in the other."

"Just two people? How does that work?" She was more relaxed now, and I was glad to have found an easy topic for her to be herself.

"Bella sings and plays piano or the synthesizer, and Garrett plays guitar. They mix drum tracks on the synth and play them in the background on a programmer. My band does a similar thing for some songs, but Alice also plays the box-drum."

She thought about it, trying to imagine a box-drum and what kind of sound it would make. "So, kind of like techno stuff then, how it's all electronic programming?"

"No, not quite. It's hard to explain. You'll just have to hear it to get it, I guess."

She nodded and then wondered about our band names.

"Virulent Disease, and Beautifully Sacred," I said, answering her silent question.

"I think they sound familiar, but I can't remember my human memories that clearly," she admitted.

I nodded. "That's common. Our popular song on the radio is _The Reason. _It's mostly played in Alaska, and some major cities in Canada. We aren't that big or anything."

She tried to think back, but she kept coming up blank. "Sorry. Maybe when I hear it I'll remember."

I chuckled. "That's alright." I thought for a moment about the lyrics I had swimming around in the back of my mind. "Hey, you feel like making some music while we wait?" I asked, turning back toward her.

She furrowed her brow, thoroughly confused as to how we could make music in the middle of nowhere.

"We don't need instruments. You can make a rhythm using your hands." I demonstrated, beating a gentle rhythm on my jeans. She smiled and nodded.

"Alright. What kind of beat?"

"Well, let's start out slow. How about three beats and a pause, like this." I tapped slowly against my legs. It was a simple one-two-three and a long silence. After a few repetitions, she tried to match the tempo. "Good. See, you're a natural. Alright, so let's use that for everything except the chorus. Let's make another rhythm that's a little faster; maybe something like this." I tried a slightly more intricate beat with no pauses, moving my hands at different speeds.

She watched for a while before trying. She kept stumbling over which hand to use for which beat, but eventually got the hang of it. I smiled and chuckled. "Good! See. You could be a drummer."

She laughed a real laugh and I smiled wider. It was good to see a side of her that wasn't so shy and scared all the time. "Alright, so let's practice the beat first before we add words. Just follow me, when I speed up, you switch to the faster beat."

She nodded, still smiling and watched my hands. She stumbled when I switched the first time, rolling to her side and laughing as she apologized. I chuckled and shook my head, insisting that it was okay, and to try again. After the third run through, she seemed to notice the length between the shifts, and switched between them seamlessly.

We started the slower beat again, and I closed my eyes as I focused on lyrics. I pictured the map in my head, and thought about how much I missed Bella. _"I find the map and draw a straight line over rivers, farms and state lines. The distance from A to where you'd be; it's only finger lengths that I see."_

Bree gasped quietly, her hand skipping a beat as I sang. She was slightly taken aback that I could sing. I smiled and glanced at her quickly before continuing. _"I touch the place where I'd find your face."_

We continued the rhythm as I sang another verse. I added a few extra beats to the mix just before shifting into the chorus. _"And miles from where you are, I, lay down on the cold ground and I, I pray that something picks me up, and, sets me down in your, warm arms."_

_'His voice is amazing. He really does miss her a lot. I wonder what it's like to love someone that much,' _Bree thought as she shifted back into the slower beat.

I smiled warmly at her and nodded. She smiled back timidly before looking back down at my hands. I sang a few more lines as I closed my eyes and pictured Bella in my arms again – the taste of her skin on my lips, and the sound of her breathing against me. _"Your soft skin is weeping. A joy you can't keep in."_

Bree started the faster tempo again and I followed her lead this time. She surprised me by joining me on the chorus. She had a very young, gentle and quiet voice, but she pushed the last line up an octave, singing "warm arms" louder and letting it linger.

I turned toward her quickly, shocked that she could sing, but she just continued with the chorus again. We sang together, our voices harmonizing rather well, and smiling at each other. I held my hands up as the chorus came to its second end and she giggled as she stopped the rhythm a couple of beats later.

"You're pretty good," I said, chuckling softly.

"Thanks, I guess," she said quietly as she grinned. "Can we do that again?" she asked, and I laughed louder.

"Sure. We got a few hours to kill," I said, elbowing her gently.

We played the song over and over again, the beat getting more intricate with each repetition. After the third time through, she started singing the entire song with me, and by the eighth time, our timing was nearly perfect.

The afternoon passed quickly, and by the time the sun had set, we had the song perfected. I nudged her and pointed up at the sky. "Looks like were clear to continue."

She looked up and frowned slightly before nodding. She was worried she wouldn't get time with me again like this. She glanced at me, knowing I had heard her thoughts and apologized silently.

"Hey, it's okay. Just because we're going home, doesn't mean we won't hang out. You're a pretty good musician," I said, elbowing her again in an attempt to get her smile. He lips crept up slightly as she nodded. "Come on, I know they're dying to meet you. Let's hunt, and head out."

She nodded and got to her feet. I pocketed the map, grabbed the bag of t-shirts, and started running. She drained three more prey and changed shirts again before we got to the Canadian border. We had to go a little further east than I had planned to find an unguarded area, but it wasn't too far out of the way.

By midnight, we had reached the place I left my phone. I grabbed it, slipping it into my pocket and began running again. As my feet hit the ground in a familiar rhythm, the only thing on my mind was Bella.

* * *

**Song question for the chapter:** What was the very first Album you ever remember owning? Time to get a little embarrassing! You'll all laugh at mine.


	28. Ch 24: Stratagem

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you all what the first album you bought was! Got very interesting answers!  
_My answer: Vinyl: Peter Pan Soundtrack. Tape: Suzanne Vega - 99 degrees. CD: (gifts) Hanson – Christmas CD and Spice Girls - Spice. (bought) Orgy – Candyass and Grease Soundtrack._

Chapter Playlist: (songs in italics are only mentioned for setlist sake, they aren't elaborated on in the chapter.)  
_Placebo – Running up that hill  
Evanescence – Going under  
Evanescence – Bring me to life  
30 Seconds to Mars – The kill  
Evanescence – Call me when you're sober  
_Garbage – Number one crush_  
_Delta Goodrem – Last night on earth_  
_Hoobastank – The reason_  
30 Seconds to Mars – Was it a dream  
Our Lady Peace – 4AM  
Linkin Park – What I've done  
Depeche Mode – A pain that I'm used to  
Papa Roach – Take me  
Hinder – Better Than me  
Linkin Park – Shadow of the day_  
Evanescence - October

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

This one's a bit long.**  
**

* * *

**Chapter 24  
BPOV  
Thursday, August 31st, 2006**

"Bella, he's almost here. Twenty minutes. He's fine," Jasper said quietly beside me. He could sense my nervousness and concern, but he probably thought it was over Edward.

I wasn't worried about Edward anymore; I was more concerned about the girl. I had seen with Alice's ability that she would have a hard time ignoring the human scent. She was only a few months old and hadn't been taught to resist her urges as I had from the very beginning. She'd been drinking human blood for months, and I knew how hard this would be for her.

I feared for her conscience above all else. If she made a mistake and saw the disappointment and sadness on everyone's face, it would probably make her extremely upset with herself. Carlisle and Esme were very accepting, but seeing devastation on their faces was something no one wanted to see – not even a stranger.

"Alice, I really don't think we should stay here once Edward returns. We shouldn't tempt the girl. I remember how hard it was for me, and I've never tasted human blood," I said, wringing my hands nervously.

"She's right, Carlisle. It's cruel to ask her to stay here," Esme said.

"Alice," Carlisle said, turning toward her, "do you have any suggestions that could work?"

"I've been thinking of that, and I've searched different possibilities. The best option seems to be to leave shortly after they arrive, and run back east toward Calgary. We need to get back for the show tomorrow night anyway, so we might as well run instead of renting a car. Jasper and I can stick close by her, and I'll keep an eye out. There's a cluster of small lakes west of Calgary that we can all hang around and discuss what Edward saw and what Bree knows. "

"What about the show? She won't be able to attend, will she?" I asked.

"No, that wouldn't be wise. But Carlisle and Esme can take her in the RV just outside of town and spend some time with her. She seems to warm up to us all quickly, but once she sees that Carlisle and Esme accept her, she won't be so stressed."

Esme smiled up at Carlisle and reached for his hand, giving it a squeeze. He nodded at Alice then pulled Esme into his arms. I glanced back out the window and let out a huff of air.

I had been worried about Edward at first, but once I saw that he would be fine, my concern was for the girl and how she would adjust. When Edward first left our hotel, I wanted to cry, scream, kick and chase after him, but I knew that wouldn't do me any good. He was the fastest of all of us and we were depending on him to track the scent before it faded too much, and to listen to the thoughts in hopes of discovering anything that could help us. No one else could have done it, and I would have just slowed him down – he was our only option. I tried to be strong, but every time I searched for his future and saw him let his curiosity get the best of him, I panicked. Hindsight is always better than foresight, even if you can see the future, and I realized after talking with him while they waited out the sun that I should have had more faith in him to be careful.

He knew I loved him, and I knew that he loved me and would come back to me. I was finally seeing just how much we really needed each other, and I was beginning to trust him more. Lyrics started forming in my mind as I stared out the window, waiting for him to return as I thought of just how much he really meant to me. I gasped, a huge grin spreading across my face, and turned to face the room again.

"What is it, Bella?" Jasper asked, furrowing his brows.

Emmett glanced up, a slight smirk tugging at the sides of his lips as he stared at me curiously. "What's running through that crazy mind now, lil-sis?" he asked.

"I have an idea to surprise Edward at this concert, but we don't have much time to really coordinate anything," I said quickly, my fingers tapping against my side as my head went into overdrive, thinking.

"What's the idea?" Carlisle asked.

"An encore song after Virulent Disease finishes. I want to write a song for him with you three," I explained, gesturing toward Jasper, Alice, and Garrett.

Jasper and Garrett glanced at one another and shrugged as Alice narrowed her eyes. "If you let me into your shield, I can possibly see the song, and talk with them when Edward isn't around," she said.

I grinned and nodded, focusing on the lyrics forming in my head and let my personal shield fade completely. Alice's eyes glossed over, and her lips slowly turned up as she stared at nothing. Suddenly, she snapped her focus onto me and grinned as she bounced on her toes. "It'll be amazing. Don't worry about anything; I'll handle all the details, just keep yourself shielded from Edward, and then shield Garrett once we go for sound check. We'll play the beat as a warm up, so Garrett can hear it without Edward knowing what's going on. Jasper and I can hide our thoughts well enough."

I returned to staring out the window as I thought of the lyrics for the song. My mind drifted toward the girl again, and I wondered how Rosalie would treat Bree, but I quickly abandoned the thought when I sensed Edward close by. I threw my shield back up, and scanned the streets for him. I couldn't see him yet, but I felt his mind press at my barriers as if he was nudging me. Butterflies danced in my stomach as I grew anxious to see him again.

"He's close," I whispered to the room.

"You can sense him?" Rosalie asked.

I nodded. "I could feel him try to gain access to my thoughts a second ago; it's a little pressure in the back of my mind. He can probably hear you all," I mentioned.

"We should probably head downstairs. The less time we make Bree spend here, the better," Carlisle said. "Jasper, would you mind checking us out at the desk?"

"Sure." He grabbed the key-card from the table and headed downstairs.

I felt a familiar pair of arms wrap around my waist and turned around. Garrett kissed the top of my head and smiled down at me. "I'll keep an eye on her, Little-Bit. I was used to keeping newborns in line, so don't worry about the girl so much."

I nodded and exhaled a deep breath, relief passing through me. I had forgotten that Garrett could help her out a lot. "Thanks."

He hugged me tightly, grabbed my hand and led me out of the hotel room behind the rest of my new family. My heart swelled at the realization of how much I had to be thankful for in my life, and I was overcome with happiness.

We waited just outside the hotel doors for them to arrive. The moment I saw them come around the corner, walking at a human speed, I ran. My body collided with his, a crack ringing out, and I threw my arms and legs around him, kissing his neck and jaw repeatedly.

"Bella. My sweet Bella," he whispered into my hair. He drew in a deep breath, burying his face in the crook of me neck and holding me tightly.

"Never scare me like that again," I whimpered into his ear between eager kisses. I felt his chest rumble against me as he chuckled.

"I promise."

"We should get going," Jasper said from behind us.

I pulled my lips away from Edward's skin, and turned to look behind me. I nodded at them as they walked toward us. Wrapping my arms around his neck, I clung to Edward as he walked toward the hotel. "We aren't staying here?" he asked.

I shook my head, looking back at Edward. "No, we don't want to make it too hard on her, so we're heading for Calgary on foot."

"Don't change your plans because of me," the small girl murmured.

I let go of Edward and turned to look at her for the first time, slightly embarrassed by how rude I had been. She was standing awkwardly with long, straight, brown hair shadowing her narrow face, and holding her hands behind her back politely. I took a few steps toward her and smiled. I reached my hand out slowly, palm up, and waited for her to take it. She slowly put her hand in mine and I smiled wider as I linked our fingers together. I led her to the rest of my family who were drawing nearer. They all stopped a few feet away and looked at the girl.

"Bree, right?" I asked quietly, making sure I had gotten her name right from the visions Alice and I had.

She simply nodded and glanced down at the ground. I could tell she was being careful to only breathe when necessary.

"Bree, I want you to meet Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Emmett, Garrett, Esme, and Carlisle. They are like family to Edward and I, and we're all happy to finally meet you." I gestured toward each person as I spoke. They smiled or bowed their head, or in Alice's case, waved excitedly.

"Hello," Bree said shyly.

Alice bounced forward and wrapped her arms around the girl tightly just as she had done to me when we first met over a year ago. I smiled as I remembered how terrified I was, and squeezed Bree's hand in an attempt to reassure her. She stiffened during Alice's embrace and took a slight step back when she was released.

"You'll be perfectly fine. We'll all help you. I know Edward explained our talents to you, so just try and relax. We'll make sure you don't slip up," Alice said happily.

Bree simply nodded before glancing at me nervously. I gave her a warm smile and tilted my head to the left. "We should all get going."

Edward rested his palm on the small of my back, sending a shiver through my body. "Lead the way, Alice," he said.

We headed east out of town, the sky alight with stars and the streets empty. We talked in whispers so we wouldn't disturb any sleeping humans in the buildings. Not wanting to ask Bree too many questions just yet and force her to breathe more than necessary, we kept conversation light.

"So, Eddie," Emmett said, "how many newbies are we looking at?"

"I only counted around a dozen or so, but Victoria wasn't there, so there's no knowing how many she could have had with her, or how many more she'll create between now and then."

"When do you think we should act?" Rosalie asked, glancing at Jasper.

"The sooner the better. If it's under twenty, we'd be pretty evenly matched, but I'd still feel better if we had more numbers and time to train."

"Are we going to lure her out, or attack there?" I asked.

Jasper glanced at me, and then Bree and shook his head. I narrowed my eyes, trying to understand what he was trying to tell me silently. He sent a wave of uncertainty toward me and I understood that he wasn't sure if we could trust Bree. I sighed and nodded once, leaning into Edward and hooking my thumb in a belt loop.

"We'll decide that later," Jasper said quickly, attempting to brush the question off.

"Have you thought about the last concert play-list?" Edward asked, looking to Alice.

"The one at La Sangue Cantante?" she asked.

"Yeah. I know technically tomorrow is going to be the last show of the North America tour, but we have the last show at Maurice's on Saturday."

"Actually, I was thinking we could alternate bands and songs, and do it like one big band," Alice replied.

"Like trade off on stage?" I asked.

"Yep! I thought it would be kind of fun. Maybe even play instruments for each other's songs. Kind of like the ultimate collaboration."

"That's a great idea, Alice," I said excitedly.

"We'll have to work on a play-list," Garrett said, and I nodded.

As I thought of the songs for the concert tomorrow, we continued toward the edge of town. When we reached the outskirts and headed into a wooded area, Emmett kissed Rosalie on her cheek and turned to face me. "How about a race, baby sis? Show me what you got," he said with a slightly teasing tone.

I eyed Edward who was grinning before glancing at Alice. I pulled her into my shield and focused on the outcome of the race as if I had decided to do it. My mind filled with the image of green trees whipping past me quickly as we headed east, the rest of our family trailing behind us, and Edward keeping up easily as I raced Emmett. I reached a lake side first, but only seconds before he did.

I focused on Emmett's face again, the vision fading out as Alice's laughter rang out loudly.

"You're on," I said with a playful glare.

"You're going to lose, Em," Edward said with a chuckle.

"Hey, the future can always change," he said, his lips pulling into a grin and his dimples showing high in his cheeks.

"On your mark," I said teasingly as I bent down into a crouch.

"Get set," Emmett said as he crouched as well, wiggling his eyebrows at me.

"Go!"

I pushed my feet into the soft dirt beneath my shoes and lunged forward. I could see in my peripheral vision that the rest of the family were running beside us as well.

"Shield, Bella!" Jasper called from a few feet behind me.

I grinned and pulled Emmett into my personal shield and drew on his incredible strength to push my legs faster. I could hear the wind as it whistled past me, my feet moving faster than ever. Emmett smirked at me and growled as he tried to move faster. I laughed, dodging the trees and weaving between the branches effortlessly. Running was exhilarating, and I didn't do it often enough.

Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Edward to my right. He was grinning from ear to ear. _God, I wish I knew what he was thinking. _I sighed and focused straight ahead, drawing on the memory of Alice's vision to know exactly where to turn.

"First to the lake," I called out to Emmett.

"You're going to lose, baby sis," he replied, his voice booming with laughter.

"In your dreams."

We raced for over an hour before the lake came into view, and Emmett and I were still neck and neck. My feet flew over the soil, pushing off with my toes as I leaned forward. Edward sped up, making it to the lake in no time, and waited at the edge. I could hear various voices calling and cheering from a short distance behind us, most of them rooting for me.

I drew in a deep breath and put everything I had into moving faster. Within seconds I crashed into Edward, a loud crack ringing out into the silence of the night. Emmett passed a few seconds later and dove into the lake. I laughed, shaking my head as I hugged Edward tightly.

"You won," he said happily in my ear.

Emmett popped up from the surface, throwing his head back and growling. "You cheated!" he called and everyone laughed as they came to a stop beside Edward and I.

"I did not."

"Did too."

"How do you figure?"

"You used that shield thing and stole my strength."

"I didn't steal it from you, you still had it. I just used it too. Think of it as evening the odds," I said with a smirk.

Carlisle and Esme chuckled to my right. "She won fair and square, Emmett," Carlisle said.

Emmett snorted in disagreement as he got out of the lake. I slid down from Edward's hips, and extended my hand out to Emmett. He eyed my hand for a moment before taking it and shaking.

"Good race," I said with a grin, but before I could finish my sentence, Emmett had pulled me close, picked me up, and tossed me into the lake. I screamed just before I broke through the surface, and swallowed a mouthful of water as I coughed. I kicked my feet, propelling myself to the surface and was met by Edward, completely soaked, inches in front of my face.

"He threw me in the lake!" I exclaimed.

Edward chuckled, wrapping his arms around my waist and pulling me to him as we treaded water. "Yes. Yes he did."

"That jerk," I cried out, glaring in his direction and he crossed his arms at the edge of the water with a smug expression.

"Well, at least you look good soaking wet."

I looked at Edward completely shocked. I stared at him for a few seconds before glaring, putting my hands on top of his shoulders, and shoving him underwater. Alice was giggling and Emmett was applauding rather loudly as I swam back and rung my hair out. I shoved Emmett, trying to hide my grin and failing as I walked toward Garrett.

"I can still trust _you, _right?" I asked, arching a brow. I wasn't really upset, just playing with them all. It's not like I would be cold from the wet clothes, just a little uncomfortable with them sticking to me.

"Of course you can, Little-Bit," he said with a chuckle.

"Good," I said, scowling at Edward who was exiting the lake and Emmett who was still laughing.

"Alright, alright. We should probably start discussing what Edward found out, and see what Bree can tell us. We should start preparing right away," Alice said as she crossed her ankles and lowered herself gracefully to the ground.

Jasper joined her, sitting behind her and pulling her back to lean against his chest. I looked around for Bree and saw her standing a few feet away by herself. I reached my hand out toward her and waited for her to walk slowly to me and take it. We sat down on the ground and I smiled at her, hoping she would relax soon. I hoped that by befriending her, she would open up more to all of us.

Edward joined us, sitting behind me and pulling me toward his soaking wet chest. Everyone else took a seat in a semi-circle and looked to Edward.

"Well, I guess I should start with what I heard, and then maybe Bree would be kind enough to fill in the details of what has been going on?"

Bree nodded once and stared down at her feet as she pulled her knees to her chest.

"There was a group of five or so that had just returned from what I'm assuming was a hunt. They had mentioned that they were disappointed with some count. Two others were alone somewhere in the encampment, and were concerned that the 'Gold Eyes' would track them down soon. They talked a bit about training and they didn't seem to think that the newest ones would last in battle yet.

"There were three condemned home-like structures. It was set in a small clearing with a few bodies lying around, but there was a pile of ash as well. I'm not certain what had been burned there."

"Joshua," Bree said quietly. We all turned our attention to her, and waited for her to elaborate. She turned her feet inward slightly and tightened her hold around her legs. "They burned Joshua to demonstrate what would happen if we didn't cooperate, and follow directions."

"They killed him?" Esme asked, shocked, and Bree nodded. "But what did he do wrong?"

"He kept saying that Christy was full of it, and lying to us. He said that there were no 'Gold Eyes' and that she was just trying to herd us, and that we weren't her sheep. He tried to get some of us to leave, but we were scared. He and Mark got into a fight, and Christy stepped in and killed him."

"Who are Christy and Mark to the group? Are they like the second in command, or the oldest or something?" Garrett asked.

"Christy is the oldest one to this life amongst us, and Mark is kind of like the fighting leader."

"But what about Victoria?" Jasper asked.

"There is no Victoria at the camp."

We all exchanged glances, slightly confused.

"It doesn't make sense – the two that were talking about training mentioned Victoria. Why would she keep herself unknown, but only from some? Wouldn't she want to oversee what the newborns were doing, and train them?" Edward asked Jasper.

"She would. Maria always watched me work with them during training because she liked to be included in everything."

"So why would she want to keep herself out of it on purpose?" Carlisle asked.

We all sat in silence for a moment before I glanced at Alice. "Alice," I said quietly. Every looked at me, confused. My mind ran through the possibilities, and the more I thought on it, the more certain I was. "She knows about Alice. That's the only thing that makes sense."

"How does that make sense?" Emmett asked.

"Think about it. If Victoria makes the decisions in regards to training them, and planning the attack, Alice will see it, right?"

"It's possible, if it involves any of us directly."

"So, by keeping herself out of it, she maintains the element of surprise," I said.

There was a moment of silence and then Rosalie spoke. "But why would she go to Eleazar then? By going to someone we know she's ruining that plan of us _not_ knowing."

_She had a point. Damn. _

"What if she didn't go there for Eleazar?" Alice asked. That got everyone's attention. We all thought it over for a moment before Alice continued. "What if she went there for Laurent?"

I felt my jaw drop and everything seemed to click into place. "Oh my God. You're right. I bet she went there for Laurent, to get him to help her, but she didn't expect such a large coven. Carlisle, what exactly did Eleazar say?"

"Just that he had no choice but to confirm what she already suspected – that you're a vampire."

"I still can't think of how she would know," Edward said quietly.

"She went back to Forks," Garrett said.

_Oh yeah, we forgot to tell Edward about the call to the wolves. _Edward looked slightly surprised, but shook his head and sighed. "I should have figured. What did the pack say?"

"Lets… wait for that conversation," Jasper said slowly. Edward eyed Jasper for a moment, no doubt reading his thoughts.

"Bree, we would like for you to know that you are welcome to stay with us. We'd like for you to be a part of our permanent family, if you're interested," Carlisle said, probably catching on to why the topic was halted so suddenly. Bree hesitated, her mouth opening and closing a few times.

"We need to know that you plan on staying with us, and trust us. We all need to hear that we can trust you before we talk in depth about our plans to kill Victoria, and possibly her newborn army," Edward said.

"I understand. I… I hated it there. I didn't want to fight for territory or kill people. Mark was short tempered and he was always really cold hearted. If we messed up, he would humiliate us, coaxing us to fight back, but I never thought he would kill any of us." She was silent for a minute before continuing. "I don't want to go back, and I wouldn't know how to survive on my own. I tried that and… well, that's how I ended up in this situation to begin with," she mumbled.

"How old are you?" Esme asked.

"Fifteen," she whispered.

"You were on your own at fifteen? What happened to your family, if I may ask?" Esme asked tenderly.

"I don't know what happened to my mother – my father…" She took a deep breath and shut her eyes. "My father was a drunk."

I scooted away from Edward and wrapped an arm around Bree, pulling her toward me. She rested her head on my shoulder and shuddered. "I'm sorry," I whispered.

"I would like to stay with you all, if you'll have me. I've never really had a family, or friends for that matter. I'll try not to disappoint you, I promise – and I'll be quiet. I won't get in the way," she said quickly, the words tumbling out of her as her voice cracked.

Esme was in front of her in a second. She took her face in her hands and stared into her eyes until Bree looked at her. "You'll never be in the way, and you won't disappoint us. We all make mistakes; it's what reminds us that we're human in a way. We don't expect you to be perfect and flawless, but we do want you to trust us. _Never _think that you are a nuisance, do you understand?"

Bree gasped and trembled, nodding quickly. "Yes, ma'am."

I chuckled softly and Esme smiled. "Call me Esme, please. I'm no ma'am. It took Jasper almost half a decade to get used to that."

"I'm sorry. Esme," Bree corrected.

Esme took her hands in her own and squeezed gently before returning next to Carlisle. "When they go to play their show tomorrow, Carlisle and I would love it if you joined us in the RV. We know it might be too difficult for you at the venue, so maybe we can get to know each other better while they perform."

"I'd… I'd like that. Thank you."

Esme and Carlisle looked extremely pleased and the tension in the circle seemed to ease slightly.

"So," Edward said, "what did the pack say?"

Jasper didn't protest this time, so I guessed that he felt confident in her sincerity.

"Sam was glad to hear that Bella was doing well, but he wasn't happy with the news. He said that they had crossed her scent a few weeks back, but didn't know how to contact me. They've been looking after Charlie, and he's been staying at the reservation a lot," Garrett explained.

"How are they keeping him there? Doesn't he go home at night?" Edward asked.

I snickered quietly and held my hand to my lips. I was ecstatic when Garrett told me the news. "Charlie's become involved with a _certain_ Sue Clearwater," I said.

"Really?" Edward asked, his lips sliding up into a smile.

"Yeah. It's kind of sad at the same time, because Sue just recently lost her husband, Harry, but I think the fact that they both lost people so close to them recently is what brought them together. I'm happy that he's moving on with his life."

Edward squeezed my hand and nodded before looking back at Garrett. "So what else did they tell us?"

"They aren't certain how she found out about Bella, but they're pretty certain that she did some investigating. When you have a reason to believe otherwise, it's easy to see the clues the wolf pack didn't have time to cover up.

"They've been keeping an eye on Charlie twenty-four seven, and Victoria hasn't crossed onto their land, but she has been lingering around Forks. I told them about what we know, and they've offered their help, but can only give us half of their forces. They don't want to leave the reservation unprotected," Garrett said.

"That's extremely kind of them. How did they feel about us being involved?" Edward asked, gesturing toward himself and his family.

Garrett smirked and I could tell he was holding back his laughter. "Let's just say that you'll have some barking to listen to when the dust settles from this fight."

Carlisle and Jasper both laughed while I stifled my chuckle. Edward was going to get a lashing – that much was certain, and, surprisingly, it sounded like it would be from Sam, not Jake.

Edward sighed and hung his head as he squeezed my hand again. "I can live with that," he said slowly. "Do we know how many they are willing to send?"

"Not yet, he said he would get back to us. I explained that if he needed to get ahold of us tomorrow or Saturday, to call Carlisle because we would be playing the shows. That's when we got a little off track, but they are open for more conversation," Garrett said, shrugging. He and Sam had talked about our music for a while, letting him know how happy I was, and what we had been up to. I was honestly surprised how well Sam and Garrett seemed to get along; I barely remembered them talking while I was burning.

Jasper and the rest of the guys made plans to start training on Monday, and agreed that the wolves should probably be present for some of it as well to know what to expect from newborns. We explained to Bree why we kept referring to the camp as newborns, and gave her a brief summary of information about how a person changes, what to expect as a vegetarian, and elaborated on the one rule for the vampire world. We also told her about the Volturi, and she seemed terrified. I completely understood her fear – I shared it.

When the conversation returned back to what Bree could tell us about life in that clearing, we all grew silent.

"There isn't much to tell, really. Christy is kind of the leader because she's the only one with a talent. She has this intense amount of charm; it's like hypnosis. She needs eye contact, and if she can touch you it's even more effective, but it breaks within a few minutes. She's been working on getting it to last longer. Mark is like her second in command because he's really strong, and already knows how to fight pretty well. We all viewed him as the leader, even though what Christy said was the final rule, but she let him govern pretty much everything.

"They send out groups every few days to bring humans back, but sometimes they wouldn't bring back enough and a fight would break out. That's what got Joshua so upset to begin with. He was tired of new people being changed instead of fed upon, but none of us knew how they were being changed. They would just show up at the outskirts randomly, and Mark would retrieve them. Often, Chelsea would be missing when they showed up, so we just figured she was finding or making them."

"It was Victoria," Edward murmured. "The girl, Christy, was thinking about Victoria bringing them more. She seemed concerned that we would show up and the newest members wouldn't be trained."

"What can you tell us about the schedule? How many days between hunts? How many leave, and how long before they return? Anything you can give us will be helpful," Jasper said politely to Bree.

She began reciting times, and who usually accompanied whom and how often. They didn't have an exact schedule, but it was rather steady, and we could rely on it for the most part. We talked more strategy and timing for a few hours until the sun started to rise. Over the few hours of discussion, Bree seemed to warm to us all, and was laughing at Emmett's wolf jokes with the rest of us.

Alice caught my eye and held it for a minute. She had a peculiar look in her eye that made me curious. She smiled up at Edward quickly and got to her feet, holding Jasper's hand. "We're going to go for a hunt, we'll be back in an hour or so. I'll call if I see anything," she said calmly.

Before anyone could protest, she and Jasper were through the trees to the north and running.

"Something's up with her. She's been blocking me all night," Edward said quietly.

"It's probably just private stuff between her and Jasper. They've been kind of clingy while you were away," I lied.

Edward was silent for a moment before he exhaled heavily and shrugged. "Fine. We should probably plan set-lists while we're just sitting here."

"Oh, good idea," Garrett said. He came to sit beside us a few seconds later, sitting between Bree and I. He nudged her and shot her a smile. "I heard you're a musician too," he said teasingly.

Her lips lifted as she looked down, her hair falling from behind her ear and shielding her face. She reminded me a lot of myself back in Forks. Shy, out of place, quiet, but strong. I could only imagine the hard life she led before Victoria found her.

"Not really," she said quietly.

"Horseshit. Bella says you and Edward wrote a song together," he said very matter of fact.

I coughed, choking out a laugh at Garrett's bluntness. I smacked him on the arm to scold him playfully.

"What? You did!" he argued.

Bree glanced at me as she tucked her hair behind her ear again. I winked at her and smacked Garrett again.

"Edward wrote it really, he just taught me a few beats to go with it," she said very softly.

"Ah, but you sang! That's a musical instrument. Your voice is an extension of yourself and your most powerful instrument in the world of music," Garrett said, rather uncharacteristically in a flirtatious way.

Bree looked back down again and tugged on her lip. If she were human, she would be blushing.

"Hey, I thought we were making a set-list here, mister. Leave the poor girl alone," I said, poking him in the ribs.

"Alright, alright. So, what were you thinking?"

"Well, do you think Jasper and Alice would be up for performing with us? I want to play a few of my poems that we played around with the past few days," I said, turning slightly to face Garrett and resting my back against Edward's side. While driving and flying across Canada, Alice and Garrett tried to keep my mind off of Edward by creating beats for some of the poems I shared with them.

"I don't see why not. We haven't practiced them much though, are you sure you want to play those at the show tonight?"

"I figure it's the last show, let's have fun with it. We've played in Calgary once already, so this is the second stop here at a different venue. We'll probably have a lot of repeat fans, so why not give them something new?"

"Alright. Sounds like it could be fun. Which ones did you have in mind?" Garrett asked.

I tugged at my lip ring and thought about the different ones we had played in the RV on the way. "_Number One Crush_, I think."

"Yeah, I think we can do that one fine. What other songs did you want to play? We only get eight this time," Garrett said.

"Yeah. How about we start with _Running_, _Going Under_, _Bring Me_, _The Kill_, _Call Me_, then play _Number One_, and I'll close with _Last Night on Earth_."

"We didn't write music to that one, though."

"I have something in mind," I replied.

"That's only seven," Edward said.

_Damn. Can't let him know about the encore song. _"Yeah, uh, _Last Night On Earth_ is kind of long. So we'll just play seven."

Edward stared at me for a second, and I could feel myself grow panicked. "Alright," he said slowly before he leaned down to kiss the top of my head.

"That sounds like a strong set-list then. We'll need to mix the track for Number One Crush though sometime today," Garrett said, pulling the attention away from my nervousness.

"I think Alice can handle it. I have faith in her." I turned to Edward and smiled. "So what songs are you guys thinking of playing?"

"Not sure yet. I was thinking of completely mixing it up, and not starting with _Take Me, _but I don't know what we could open with instead."

"How about _The Reason,_ but with just vocals for the first verse? I think it could really get the crowd going," I suggested.

"That's actually a great idea. Then we could move into _Was it a Dream, _and _Four AM_. The crowd will probably sing the entire first three songs for me anyway, they often do for those songs."

"I wish I could hear you play," Bree said.

Garrett put his arm around her and pulled her into his side. "We'll play a show just for you sometime real soon."

"You can probably come to the show at La Sangue Cantante. There will be human blood there, but no humans. It was tough for me at first, but just keep yourself distracted and you forget about it eventually. We'll make sure you hunt first to make it easier," I said.

Bree smiled and nodded, I could tell that the idea had cheered her up some.

Garrett and I went over the beat for _Number One Crush_, and talked about what versions of each song we were going to play. I told him that I wanted to have a really heavy sound, and just have fun with it. If we screwed up, _we screwed up_, and it would only make us appear to be more human anyway. Bree asked about our band names, and so we explained the poem to her. I realized that I had never shared that with Edward and immediately felt bad, but he didn't seem too bothered by it – we were getting better at talking about our past away from each other and not letting it get us too depressed.

I explained why I took the name Phoenix when on stage, and she thought that it was really cool. I told her about the album cover that Irina had made for us, and promised to show her when we got back to the RV. She seemed genuinely interested in everything we had to say, and was really excited to hear some songs.

Garrett, Edward, and I decided to take Bree hunting before heading out. We didn't have to go far, and she didn't drink more than one, but we were just being cautious. By the time Alice and Jasper returned, it was mid-morning, and the sun was hiding behind clouds. I could tell they were focused and figured it had to do with the surprise for Edward.

We all headed toward Calgary, only running for another two hours before we made it to the outskirts of town. Rosalie ran ahead and got the RV, bringing it around to a secluded area where we had waited. Bree was shocked at the interior, and she and Esme discussed design styles and the house back in Alaska, as well as the other houses throughout the United States. We made it to the hotel just before noon, and retrieved our gear from the rooms.

We loaded the trailer up and made our way to the venue for the sound check. As we unloaded the gear, Bree waited in the RV with Esme. I asked Alice to check and see if Bree would be okay to come in and see the place with so few people here and she determined that it would be fine.

"Hey, Bree?" I said, stepping into the RV and looking around.

"Yeah?" she called from the back.

"Alice said you would be fine if you wanted to sneak inside and check the place out while we sound check. There's only three or four people in there, and if you hold your breath you'll be fine. Garrett can help you as well."

Her eyes widened and she swallowed, nodding quickly. I laughed and waved my hand. "Come on then."

She flew to the door so fast, she nearly knocked me over. Esme followed behind her with a look of pure happiness across her face. "Big breath," Esme said.

Bree inhaled deeply and nodded. I turned, stepped out of the RV and led her inside. The guys were plugging in the cords and taping them down as we walked in. "Hey guys, Bree's going to hang out for a few."

"Is she old enough to be in here?" one of the sound technicians asked.

I glanced back at her as she swallowed and then looked to Garret.

"She's just going to watch us set up. She has to leave in a few minutes anyway, man. It's my little sister," Garrett said.

I could see the guy think it over for a split second before he shrugged and walked away. "Fine, just watch her," he said quickly.

I quirked a brow at Garrett and he just smirked, bowing his head.

"Thanks," I whispered to him.

He rubbed Bree's back gently before heading back to the stage to finish setting up.

I walked with Bree over to the side of the stage and showed her around briefly. "Alright, I got to do checks with them, so just hang out here with Esme. Garrett and Alice will keep an eye out for any problems. Just enjoy yourself."

She nodded and squeezed my hand. I heard Esme start whispering to her as I walked away. She really seemed to be getting along with everyone better than I thought.

"Alright. Who's first?" I asked.

"We'll go first. Jasper and I just want to jam a little for the warm up," Alice said. She gave me an odd look, quirking her brow.

I immediately reached out and shielded Garrett, remembering the plan from earlier. Edward threw me a puzzled look, and I pretended to ignore him. Alice and Jasper started an amazing rhythm on the guitars, creating an interesting harmony as one played more intricately than the other. As they started the chorus, they overlapped certain beats while Jasper accentuated certain notes. I grinned and could hear the lyrics in my mind perfectly.

It was going to be amazing.

"Alright, vocal test," a technician said.

Edward crossed the stage to the center microphone and sang the opening lines to _The Reason. _Jasper sang the bridge to _Better Than Me _in his microphone and Alice did a quick ballad at the mixer's microphone. They then tested the piano and vocals there before asking for Garrett and I to take the stage.

I took the opportunity to ask Alice and Jasper about _Number One Crush _and they eagerly agreed. Alice threw together a beat on the mixer for the song and programmed it onto a spare track for later. I hummed the rhythm into one of the microphones, and Jasper created a bass beat to harmonize with it, while Garrett tested the electric guitar and pedal. We did a quick check on the keyboard and everything was ready to go.

Bree clapped excitedly and we all chuckled. She threw her arms around me, still holding her breath, but I could feel how thankful and excited she was as she squeezed me tightly.

Esme, Carlisle and Bree said their goodbyes and headed off with the RV for the night, agreeing to be back around midnight to pick us all up. They left the trailer so we could pack up and leave without wasting any time.

As we were relaxing in the backstage rooms, Edward nuzzled against my neck and whispered, "What's wrong?"

I shook my head and turned to smile up at him. "Nothing, just thinking about the new songs we're playing tonight. A little nervous."

"What do you have to be nervous about? You'll be amazing." He hugged me tighter from behind and laid a gentle kiss just below my ear.

"Thanks," I whispered, lowering my head and biting my lip.

"I know you're keeping something from me though. You all are, and if I don't find out by the end of the night, I might contemplate being upset of hurt over it."

I stopped breathing for a second as I released my lip. _Shit. _"I promise, you won't be upset. Just let it go, and let us surprise you?" I asked quietly.

He nodded against my neck and sighed. "Alright. I guess I can do that."

"Thank you." I was shocked that he let it go so easily, and how we had managed to communicate without getting upset or jumping to conclusions. I knew he was probably slightly hurt from the secrecy, but by telling him that we wanted to surprise him, it seemed to ease his mind without ruining the plan.

The crowd grew louder, the chatter ranging from guesses at the set-list to talking about trying to touch Edward when he would lean over the audience. I chuckled and shook my head, and Edward squeezed me tighter.

"Five minutes," a voice called from the door.

I felt my stomach turn and I took a deep breath. _I can do this. _I squeezed Edward's forearm tightly and brushed my cheek up against his before pulling away and standing up. "Let's do this," I said to Garrett across the room.

He nodded, swung the acoustic so it rested behind him over his shoulder and held his hand out to me. I took it, letting him lead me out of the room and down the hall toward the stage with Edward, Jasper, and Alice following behind us. Rosalie and Emmett were already in the audience, left of the stage, waiting for the show to start.

As Garrett and I took the stage, the lights went completely dark and the crowd began to scream. The heart-beat rhythm rang throughout the room, shaking the floor with the intense bass, and the red lights flickered. I could see the crowd pumping their fists into the air with the tempo, and hear them pounding their heels on the ground. I grinned, excitement coursing through me as I walked to the center of the stage. I grabbed it off the stand and went to lean on Garrett; my back pressed against his, practically hiding behind him.

I sang the opening lines and the crowd sang along with me. As the lights flashed on for the chorus, rising from the floor to the ceiling in a sweeping motion, I moved out from behind him and ran to the edge of the stage. The first song set the energy level for the rest of the set, and the crowd seemed to have a good time, singing and dancing along. At the end of _Call Me When You're Sober,_ I asked for A and Jay to take the stage.

"This next song needs a little help, and probably in more ways than one," I joked. The crowd laughed and cheered as Alice and Jasper hopped up on stage and waved to the crowd. "Alright, this next one is different. We've never played it live, so go easy on us. I wrote this as a poem a year ago, and these three talked me into making it into a song. So, without further ado, this is _Number One Crush._"

The lights went out and I took a deep breath, and then let out a moan. The mixed beat from sound check kicked in and Jasper began the bass line. Alice flitted over to the box-drum, and she and Garrett joined the song, adding a gentle beat and haunting guitar melody to the mix.

_"I would die for you. I would die for you. I've been dying just to feel you by my side; to know that you're mine."_ I swayed my hips as I sang in a lower octave than usual, the lights slowly dancing around the stage, casting a red glow on everything.

I made my way to the left side of the stage and stared at Edward as I sang. I was wearing a simple fitted t-shirt and jeans that laced up the sides. I tapped against my thigh with my empty hand as I danced and swayed_. "I will burn for you – feel pain for you,"_ I cried out, remembering when I had written these words. I wished every night and day that Edward would return and change me. Even with a broken heart, I still would have given everything up for him.

I dropped to my knees, clutching the microphone tightly and crawled to the very edge of the stage, my lyrics leaving my lips as I stared into his eyes. _"I will lie for you – beg and steal for you. I will crawl on hands and knees until you see… you're just like me."_

Edward swallowed, his eyes smoldering as he licked his lips. I leaned back, my hair arching as I threw my head back quickly_. "Violate all the love that I'm missing. Throw away all the pain that I'm living. You will believe in me,"_ I cried out. I slowly stood and took a shallow breath. _"And I can never be ignored."_

Alice sang the backup vocals as I danced my back to the audience and my hips swaying as I let the music flood through me. I whispered the last part of the song and the crowd erupted in cheers as the last note faded.

"Thank you A, and Jay for joining us. Everyone give it up for them!" I put the microphone back on the stand and clapped as Alice and Jasper hopped back off stage. "Alright, last song for us. This is actually another one of my poems that I never wrote any music to until very recently," I said, not really admitting that I still hadn't ever played the song before, just written it in my head. "Thank you for coming out to see us. I'm Phoenix, this is Garrett, we are Beautifully Sacred, and this is _Last Night On Earth. _You guys have been amazing. Thank you."

I took a seat on the bench at the piano and took a deep breath. "This is dedicated to E," I said quietly a split second before I started to play. My fingers danced over the keys, playing what I had envisioned in my head, and trusting myself to not screw it up. The crowd cheered and then died down as the melody grew faster. My hands stilled over the keys as I closed my eyes and leaned into the microphone. I sang the opening lines, my voice shaky and quiet. I swallowed and pressed a few keys. I sang the next few lines, finding my confidence and opening my eyes.

As I began the chorus, I took a deep breath and looked at Edward_. "If tomorrow never comes, I want you to know right now that I… I'm going to love you until the day I die." _Edward took two steps forward, pressing his hands against the stage. I smiled brightly at him and took another breath. _"If tomorrow falls asleep, can you hold me first? I'm going to love you like it's the last night on earth." _

I slowed the melody, my hands gliding over the keys and my heart swelling in my chest. _I love you. _I hummed into the microphone and smirked as I thought of the next line_. "A penny for your thoughts,"_ I sang happily, and Edward chuckled. _"A picture so it lasts. Let's knock down the walls of immortality."_ I winked at Edward and lightly laughed as I pushed down on the keys. His lips tugged into a wide smirk as he stared at me lovingly.

_"Your fingers on my skin – only you can hear my fear. Only you can help me heal. I see forever with you here,"_ I sang to him. I closed my eyes and turned my attention to the piano as I sang the chorus again. I moved into the bridge, singing quieter and held my breath for a moment as I hovered my hands over the keys. When I opened my eyes, Edward was sitting beside me on the bench, staring at me intently. I gasped and smiled, and then pressed down on the keys, repeating the chorus.

I sang every word staring into his eyes, only inches from me. He reached up, touching my face gently and holding my gaze as I finished the song. The moment my fingers pulled away from the keys, he kissed me passionately. The crowd erupted in a cheering frenzy, and the lights went out, leaving Edward and I on the bench in the darkness.

"I love you, Bella," he whispered into my ear, breaking the kiss.

I rested my forehead against his and closed my eyes, breathing in his scent. "I love you too."

"Was that the surprise?" he asked.

I laughed and shook my head. "No. There's still more to come."

"I don't want to let go of you," he said after a moment of silence.

"You still have your set to get through. I'm not going anywhere."

"Sit on the piano for the show," he said, not sounding like a question.

"What? You mean like playing your songs?" I asked.

"No, I mean," he said, pulling me into his arms and standing. He set me on the top of the piano, my legs dangling off the edge, facing the crowd. "Sit right here."

"Edward, I can't just sit here during your show." I glanced at the crowd in the dark room. They couldn't see us with their human eyes, but they probably knew we were still here.

"Sure you can. I want you to. You can even take one of the microphones, and sing some of the songs with me."

I gawked at him. _Is he serious? _I stared into his eyes, waiting for him to say never mind but he just blinked and waited for me to agree. "I… alright, if that's what you want."

He kissed me deeply, his lips pressing against mine and his tongue dancing across my own. I moaned quietly and shuddered. My entire body felt alive as I trembled – I wanted him _so _badly.

"We're ready," Jasper said from the mixer.

Edward pulled away, the sexiest grin on his lips and nodded. "Alright, let's do this."

He took the microphone from the center stage stand and returned to me, standing between my legs as I sat on the edge of the piano.

_"I'm not a perfect person. There's many things I wish I didn't do, but I continue learning – I never meant to do those things to you, and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know,"_ Edward sang, his voice ringing clearly throughout the room with no other noise but the cheering of the crowd. He stroked my face as he sang to me, his eyes burning into mine with honesty, affection, sincerity, and regret in every word.

Alice and Jasper started to play as he began the chorus, and the crowd cheered louder, singing with him. The lights swept across the stage and lit up the four of us. He sang the entire song to me as I trembled and gazed into his eyes. This was one of his many apology songs, but it was by far my favorite.

The lights went out at the end of the song and a pre-programmed thunder roared throughout the room as the next song began. Edward had been right – the crowd did sing practically every song along with him. I sang backup vocals during _Was It a Dream _and_ Take Me, _and sang along with him as a duet during the chorus of _Four AM _and _Better Than Me_.

When he announced _Shadow of the Day_ was the last song, he asked for them to dim all of the lights, and sang to me, caressing my face and whispering "I love you" in my ear between lines. As the song ended, he kissed me passionately, letting his lips linger against mine as he breathed in and out, and licked over my lip ring as he rested his forehead against mine.

The crowd was screaming and applauding and I wondered how long we should wait before the encore. I continued kissing Edward, our hands roaming over each other's skin delicately, but with an intense desire, and a few minutes later Alice leaned into the microphone at the mixer to announce the surprise last song.

"Thank you. We really appreciate all of your support and coming out to see us tonight. This is the last show of the tour, but don't worry, we'll be back in the fall with Beautifully Sacred to promote their new album, 'From the Ashes.' As a way to say thank you to all of you, we've decided to play an encore song tonight."

Edward turned around quickly and stared at Alice. "What?" he whispered. Alice just giggled and waved her hand, dismissing him.

"We've actually prepared a song with Phoenix and Garrett of Beautifully Sacred to play for you tonight," Alice said, ignoring her brother.

I glanced at Emmett and Rosalie in the crowd and they were both smiling – well, Emmett was grinning, actually. They were probably pretty pleased that we had managed to surprise Edward.

I hopped off of the piano and took the microphone from Edward who was still standing there looking completely shocked. Garrett walked across the stage toward Jasper and was handed his acoustic guitar. Jasper plugged both of their guitars into the amp and strummed the chords on his own acoustic to check the tuning. Alice returned to her box-drum with a smirk that stretched across her face entirely and adjusted the microphone stand to sit in front of her.

"Thanks A." I grabbed Edward's hand and pulled him to the center of the stage. I turned to the side and faced Edward. "This was written for you," I said into the microphone and the audience "awed" and clapped.

Garrett and Jasper started an acoustic harmony with their guitars. They were both sitting on stools, turned toward each other and bobbing their heads slightly to the rhythm. Alice started a steady rhythm on the box-drum and I took a deep breath.

_"I can't run anymore. I fall before you. Here I am – I have nothing left. Though I've tried to forget, you're all that I am. Take me home. I'm through fighting it,"_ I sang with a steady voice. I wrapped one arm around Edward's waist and held myself close to him. He rested one hand on my hip and faintly traced my jaw with the other.

_"Broken,"_ Alice and I sang together.

_"Lifeless – I give up. You're my only strength. Without you I can't go on. Anymore. Ever again,"_ I sang solo, staring into Edward's golden eyes.

The tempo sped up, and Alice put more pressure into her drum beats.

_"My only hope,"_ I sang as Alice harmonized with a different set of lyrics.

_"All the times I've tried to run."_

_"My only peace. (To walk away from you.) My only joy, my only strength. (I fall into your abounding grace.) My only power, my only life. (And love is where I am.) My only love_," we sang together, our voices blending perfectly as the crowd cheered.

The tempo slowed again to the beginning verse and I stretched up onto my toes to kiss Edward's lips gently before the next line_. "I can't run anymore. I give myself to you. I'm sorry… I'm sorry."_ I brushed my hand down the side of his face as I bit my lip. I lowered my hand to his chest and continued. _"In all my bitterness, I ignored all that's real and true. All I need is you."_ I rest my hand over his heart and gripped his shirt. He pulled me closer and kissed my forehead as I finished the verse, my apologies echoing throughout the room.

Alice and I repeated the chorus and Jasper and Garrett joined us vocally – Garrett singing my lyrics and Jasper singing Alice's. When the guitars struck the last chord, and our voices echoed throughout the room, the crowd was silent for a moment before erupting louder than ever before.

Edward pulled me to his chest tightly and lifted my chin, leaning down to kiss me. "I love you," he murmured against my lips.

"My only love," I whispered.

* * *

**A/N: **We're nearing the end. I've been contemplating packaging up the music files used for this story and creating a zip/rar file and uploading it. It would contain the entire discography: chapter number and title, live versions where appropriate, playlist file, and so on. I know a few of you have expressed interest, but if this sounds like something you would want, let me know. If I get enough 'yes' I'll have it ready when I post the final chapter.

We have roughly six chapters left.

**Song question for the chapter:** What song do you find yourself singing the most throughout your entire life at random moments? One of mine is very Disney... and the other is very classical.


	29. Ch 25: Alliance

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you what you often sang to yourself during random moments throughout life.  
_My answer: Nat King Cole – Unforgettable, 100 Monkeys – Keep Awake, Brian Eno – Baby's on Fire_

Chapter Playlist:  
No songs! I promise to make up for it in next chapter where there will be 18+ songs.

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**Chapter 25  
EPOV  
Saturday, September 2nd, 2006**

"You're nervous, aren't you? About seeing Eleazar," Bella said to Garrett while she traced invisible circles on the palm of my hand.

The corner of Garrett's lips turned upward by a fraction and he shot a curious look at Jasper before arching his brow at Bella. "Do you need to really ask?"

Her gentle chuckle mixed with Jasper's, and I smirked as I thought just how much my life had changed in a few short months. Then, the thought of how much more could change in just a few short days erased the upturn of my lips, and I closed my eyes tightly. _I won't let anything happen to her._

Bella squeezed my hand and I looked at her quickly, attempting a smile, but she knew better. She frowned and sighed quietly as she leaned into my chest.

We were headed for home at last. The last concert was scheduled for La Sangue Cantante, and we had worked on a set-list during the drive. We practiced Beautifully Sacred songs, and Bella and Garrett practiced Virulent Disease songs, and we decided on a rather interesting list. There was a mix of old and new, as well as personal and never played live before, but as a whole the songs flowed rather well.

I looked down at the end of the couch where Bree was sitting and gave her a reassuring smile. She had been worried about everything the entire way. Would she handle the scent of human blood? Would she mess up the song she was playing with us? Would the Denalis like her?

We passed the welcome sign of Cantwell, and I realized it was probably time to warn Bella, Garrett, and Bree of my extended family's gifts. I looked to Alice for approval and she nodded, knowing in only a way she could, what I was silently asking.

"There are a few things to know about the Denali coven," I said, breaking the silence.

Bella turned, furrowed her brows and leaned away from me slightly. "Okay," she said hesitantly.

"A couple of them have gifts as well, in fact, one of them has two," I stated.

"Two?" Garrett asked curiously.

"You know of Eleazar's talent, but Bree does not, so I'll start with that. Eleazar, the father figure of the coven, can sense talents in others – both human and vampire. It's particularly useful when crossing a gifted human, or newborn who isn't certain of their capabilities."

Bree nodded slowly, her mind working through the different ways that his gift could be useful.

"Kate, the blonde sister, has two talents. Her first is an electrical current that she can project over her skin. I wouldn't suggest touching her unexpectedly, or getting in a fight with her."

"So she can electrocute people? Can she control how strong?" Garrett asked.

"She can. It's taken her years to learn to control it, or project it over her body and not just her hands, but she can adjust its strength. She is also tied to a few myths and legends, like her sisters, Irina and Tanya."

Rosalie smiled as she turned off the road, leading us down a dirt road. Tanya and Kate had always been good friends of hers. She out of all of us had befriended them the strongest, besides Carlisle's connection to Eleazar, of course.

"You mean like Zeus myths, or legends like vampires and werewolves?" Bella asked with a smile.

"Interesting you chose to ask about Zeus. Kate is tied to the myth of his three daughters, Aoide, Melete, and Mneme. She's not really Zeus's daughter, but humans associated her with Aoide because of her second gift."

"Which is?" Bree asked eagerly.

"Aoide was the muse of song," Garrett said with a smile. "Interesting. She can inspire music?"

I nodded, surprised that Garrett had heard of the myth. "She can inspire alright. Her and her sisters are all tied to another, more commonly known myth as well, however it isn't a talent. The three of them enjoy their men, and have been linked to the myth of the succubus. That, however, is more about their personal lives than I wish to go into detail about. As a male, I felt it only fair to share the information," I said, directing my last comment to Garrett who chuckled and nodded.

"I appreciate that."

"Are we there yet?" Emmett asked, and we all laughed.

"As a matter of fact," Rosalie said as she stepped on the brake slowly. "We are."

Garrett took in a deep breath and closed his eyes briefly. His mind flashed with the last moments he had last seen his longtime friend and his newly acquired wife. He repeated a mantra in Spanish in his head to calm himself before he stood. Bella had agreed to stop shielding any of us, unless she was using our talent for some reason, because Alice needed to be able to see our futures in case Victoria made any quick decisions. Alice was also watching the Volturi's decisions, and keeping an eye on Charlie when he wasn't in the presence of the wolves.

Carlisle led the way off the bus, followed by myself, Bella, Garrett, Bree and my four siblings. Tanya was already stepping off the front porch with her arms opened wide and a bright smile.

"Carlisle! It's been awhile. Enjoy getting down with the in crowd?" she joked.

Carlisle chuckled and hugged her, kissing both of her cheeks. "Indeed, I did."

"Esme," Tanya said before wrapping her arms around her, and sharing a similar greeting as she had with Carlisle. When they pulled away she looked me over. "You look much better, Edward. Who knew a little love could fix everything," she said with a smirk. "You must be Bella. I've heard so much about you over the past year or so. It's a pleasure to meet you at last."

Bella smiled shyly and bowed her head. "Likewise," she said quietly.

Tanya hugged her gently and smiled when they broke apart. "Welcome to the family, I suppose." She turned and looked at the rest of the faces, noting two new ones. "I don't believe we've been introduced, I'm Tanya, and you are?" she asked Garrett, extending her hand to shake.

He bowed his head respectfully and kissed her knuckles. I chuckled slightly and Bella nudged me with a dark look.

"Garrett, ma'am, and this is Bree," he said as he released her hand and motioned to his left.

Tanya's thoughts were filled with curiosity about Garrett's age in comparison to Bree's and their relationship. I couldn't suppress my laughter. Tanya turned and scowled at me. "What? Can't a girl be curious?" she asked.

The front door opened again and Eleazar, Carmen, and Irina exited the house. Eleazar froze on the top step the moment his eyes connected with Garrett's.

'_It can't be,' _he thought.

"Hello, old friend," Garrett said softly.

"Garrett?"

Garrett nodded, smiling faintly.

"I can't believe it. Of all the families to come across… destiny has brought us together once again." Eleazar crossed the front yard swiftly and embraced him tightly, patting his shoulder. "I've missed you, querido amigo."

Garrett's mind was racing with old memories of Eleazar training him, speaking to him in the middle of the night about life, and philosophy. He truly viewed Eleazar like a father figure – there was no doubt about it.

"Carmen, come. You remember Garrett, of course."

"It's good to see you again, mi hijo," she said politely.

Garrett kissed her hand and smiled the widest I'd ever seen. "That it is," he said quietly.

She patted his hand gently and smiled back. "I see you've met Tanya. This is Irina, and Kate is still inside, talking to Maurice on the phone. Who might this be?" she asked, looking to Bree.

"Bree Tanner," she replied quietly, looking down quickly.

"A newborn, Carlisle?" Eleazar asked curiously. His thoughts were focused on where the girl had come from, and her relationship to us all.

"Edward came across her while tracking Victoria. She was part of her newborn army in Vancouver, and Edward could see that she didn't want to fight and be there, so he brought her back with him. We've been teaching her of our ways. She's become a daughter to Esme and I," Carlisle said, his voice tender as he squeezed Bree's shoulder.

She smiled up at him quickly before looking back down at the ground.

"She is skilled in connections," Eleazar said calmly. "Similar to Chelsea of the Volturi Guard, I imagine, but different. Her connection emphasizes patience, unity, and trust. Have you practiced this, young one?"

Bree looked to Carlisle and then back to Eleazar, her eyebrows knitted together and her mind racing with confused thoughts. "Practiced what?" she squeaked.

"Your talent, child." Eleazar smiled.

"But I don't have a talent," she stuttered. I could hear in her mind that she was being truthful – she was utterly confused.

"Ah. You were unaware. That makes sense then." He turned toward Jasper and lowered his head. "Have you not felt it coming from her this entire time, friend?"

'_She's always shown patience and projected trust. It's grown by the day. Why didn't I notice?' _"I suppose I have, but thought nothing of it," Jasper replied.

"I have a talent?" Bree asked, still confused.

"Yes, niña. You do. Chelsea has been with the Volturi Guard for a long time, and she has the ability to change bonds between people, weaken them, or make them stronger. She affects their love, and loyalty, while you seem to project patience, and trust. I would imagine with time you would be able to sway a person's trust, and influence their unity similarly."

"I… I never knew. How do I learn?" she asked eagerly.

Eleazar chuckled, clasping a hand on her shoulder. "In time, dear. In time. You, however," he said, turning toward Bella, "have one of the most extraordinary gifts I've ever come across; a powerful mental shield with the ability to shield others separately. You can ditto talents, as well?" he asked to clarify.

"Only if I bring them into my own mental shield," Bella replied calmly.

"That makes sense; you would have to have access to their mind directly in order to feel their essence, and mimic their talent. Fascinating." '_She's even more than Aro had ever hoped for, and she's standing before me, completely unaware of the power she possess.'_ He glanced at me and gave a nod. '_I mean her no harm, Edward. Her talent is hidden here. We shall not speak of it.'_

"Thank you," I murmured and Bella looked to me curiously.

"Where are my manners. Come. Come. Inside, we have much to discuss, and you have a show tonight if I'm not mistaken," Eleazar said with a smile.

Carmen hugged Garrett around the waist, and followed behind Eleazar, arm and arm. Garrett's thoughts were overflowing with eagerness to catch up with his friends. Irina greeted Bree and they walked behind Bella and I toward the house discussing the drive over, and if Bree liked the weather. I was thankful Irina was making an attempt to help Bree feel welcome. Rosalie and Emmett locked up the RV and joined Alice and Jasper at the back of the group, and we all made our way inside.

"Hello! Hello!" Kate called from the other room as we walked inside. "I just got off the phone with Maurice, and he's looking forward to your show tonight. He said sometime around three in the morning is fine – it's when they get the busiest, so you should have a decent crowd." She came around the corner and smiled at me brightly, her eyes lingering before they traveled to my right. "Bella! How good it is to finally meet you!" She flew across the room and squeezed her tightly. She nodded at Jasper and Alice, and waved at Emmett and Rosalie as they headed for the living room.

"Heya, cuz," Emmett said, waving over his shoulder.

Kate smiled as she turned to scan the rest of the line. The moment her eyes connected with Garrett, her mind went blank. I arched a brow and stared at her curiously.

_'She's beautiful,'_ Garrett thought.

"I'm Kate, a pleasure to meet you," she said after an awkward silence.

"Garrett, and the pleasure is all mine."

Kate smiled brightly and bowed her head in a partial-curtsy

"Kate, I'd like you to meet Bree," Carlisle said. He had noticed Kate and Garrett's exchange as well, and was trying to not chuckle at the obvious sudden attraction.

"Oh, yes. My manners. Hello, Bree. Nice to meet you. Won't you all come in and have a seat. We've never had so many guests at once, but there should be enough seating if we don't mind getting close," she said with a subtle teasing tone.

We followed her in and sat. Bella was on the edge of my lap, and Jasper leaned against the armrest with Alice in his arms.

"Where is Laurent?" Carlisle asked.

"He thought it best to not be here when you all first arrived. He wanted to give us time to talk before diving into more serious discussions. He should be back in an hour," Irina replied.

"So, tell us about these concerts," Carmen said, clasping her hands on her lap.

"They've been wonderful. At first it was difficult to try and act like human musicians, but as we continued it got easier. Some of us have been writing more songs while on the road," Alice said excitedly.

"Really? I'd love to hear it," Kate replied, her eyes glowing with interest.

"Of course," I said, looping an arm around Bella's waist.

"Who knew there was so much musical talent amongst you all," Eleazar said with a grin.

"Indeed," Carlisle agreed.

"Oh, Bella. Did you receive the cover art from Maurice yet?" Irina asked.

"I did, it's fabulous! Thank you, Irina. Your talent is amazing," Bella replied.

"I know we discussed a phoenix rising from the ashes, but I thought you might like the play on your stage name and decided to try it out."

"I'm eager to see it," I said quietly to Bella.

"You haven't seen it?" Irina asked.

I chuckled and shook my head. "No, not yet."

Irina made a tsk noise and left to get it. She returned quickly and held it out. I thanked her as I took the CD mock-up and kissed Bella's arm before looking down at the cover. Air rushed into my lungs as I gasped loudly; it was amazing. The overall tone was reds and oranges with subtle gray flakes scattered around the bottom to represent the ash. A drawn image of Bella, arms out and head back, filled the center with flames and smoke surrounding her. The ground was cracked and dried, and the sky was pitch black. Her hair was spread out behind her and it reminded me of when she would sing _The Kill_ and throw her head back during the bridge, causing her hair to arch above her and glow in the stage lights. The fire around her looked like wings, and her gown was golden and shining from the flames.

She had literally made Bella look like a human phoenix being reborn from flame and ash.

"This is amazing, Irina. I'm speechless," I mumbled. I could feel Bella's eyes on me as she twisted to stare down at the case in my hand. When I finally managed to pry my eyes away from the image, I handed it to Carlisle beside me. They passed it around the room, commenting on their favorite part, or the symbolism behind the image that humans wouldn't understand such as the burning of being reborn into a vampire, or the cracked ground being the symbol of the imperfections we are as humans.

We talked for close to thirty minutes about music and Irina's artwork, and Alice mentioned our set-list and our plans for the show. Everyone had made plans to attend and they were eager to hear us play. As it grew closer to the hour mark, Irina grew nervous, constantly glancing at the window.

"Should we discuss Laurent before he returns?" Jasper asked, picking up on her nervousness.

"He's afraid you will think that he is still working with Victoria," Irina said quickly.

"But he isn't?" I asked.

"No. He is committed to being here. He wants nothing to do with her. If he ever had any loyalty to his previous coven, it was to James – not her – but he holds no grudge or ill feelings toward any of you over what you did. He understands most of your decisions, and I'm sure once he sees Bella is one of us and how much you care for her, he will understand why you protected a human so fiercely." Irina's thoughts didn't stray from her words – she was being truthful. Bella was tense on my lap, but I stroked her arm gently and she slowly relaxed.

"What about his diet?" Carlisle asked.

"He's been abstaining from his old ways. It's been hard, and he slipped once, but he's doing better now. That is where he is now – hunting. He was concerned about being around the human blood tonight at the bar, and wanted to make sure he could contain his thirst in front of you all." Irina's eyes were pleading for us to understand and give him a chance. She truly loved him, and I had little doubt in my mind that they were mated.

We all agreed to give him the benefit of the doubt, but mentioned that Jasper and I would be keeping an eye on him. We got talking about everyone's talents, and Bella was in the middle of showing how her shields worked when Laurent arrived.

"I hope I am not interrupting anything," he said quietly from the archway. His accent was just as thick as I remembered, but it held more guilt and sorrow than the last time I had spoken with him. Bella was immediately tense on my lap and I continued to stroke her skin gently.

"Not at all," Carlisle said as he stood. Laurent slowly walked into the living room, lowering his head to the room in a greeting. Carlisle took a few steps toward him and offered his hand. "It's good to see you again, Laurent."

"Thank you," he said quietly as they shook. He looked around the room and spotted Bella. He turned, took a couple of steps and dropped to one knee. "Bella," he said as he closed his eyes and took in a deep breath. He opened them slowly, sorrow etched across his face as he held out his hand. She slowly put her palm in his and held her breath. "I am so very sorry for the past. I hope that we can move forward, and perhaps become friends one day. I know that an apology means very little, but I hope you can accept mine, in time."

She tugged on her lip ring and slowly exhaled. "I forgive you Laurent. You warned the Cullens about James and Victoria, and for that, I'm grateful."

He kissed her knuckles and stood, clasping her hand between his. "Thank you, and might I add that immortality suits you magnificently." He smiled down at her before turning to join Irina.

"I don't mean to turn the conversation sour, but I think there are some things we should discuss before the day progresses much further. We have no idea of when things may take a turn for the worse, so it is better to be prepared," Jasper said.

"I suppose you are right," Eleazar said. "Where shall we begin?"

"Well, let's start with the visit Victoria made here a few days ago. Is there anything you can tell us about it? Was she looking for something or someone or did she say anything strange?" I asked.

"She was looking for Laurent, but he, Irina, Tanya and Kate had gone out to hunt. We had no defense with Kate gone. Victoria surprised Carmen while outside, and threatened to kill her if I didn't give her answers. At first I lied, but she suspected I wasn't telling the truth, and gave me one more chance to answer her. She knew that Bella was still alive, or had been turned, but she didn't know which one. Carmen's life was on the line and I wasn't feeling particularly up to tempting fate, so I told her you were changed, but that I didn't know where you were, just that you were with Edward. She seemed to panic after that, told me to tell Laurent that he still owes her, and she fled," Eleazar said.

"I don't owe her anything," Laurent said coldly. "She and James chose to make a game of things after the quarrel in the field, and I told them that I was done chasing my food and left. My place is here, with Irina and the Denalis, and I have no plan on ever speaking to Victoria again."

"Well, I tracked her down. She is building a newborn army southwest of Kamloops. So far her numbers are under a dozen, but she could have more camps, or others with her. She wasn't at the base, and from what Bree has told us, she is keeping her identity secret to them all except the two in charge of the newborns. She's searched Forks a few times, and the Quileutes ran her off before she managed to hurt anyone, but she's looking for something," I said.

"What doesn't make any sense is how she knew about Alice and Edward's talents, why she is keeping herself a secret from the newborns and why she came here," Jasper said.

There was an awkward silence and then Laurent cleared his throat. "I can answer one of those, but I'm not pleased to admit it. After I came up here and got to know the Denalis, Irina told me about your family's talents. When Victoria called with the news of James, she was a rambling mess. Victoria didn't think I had meant what I said about leaving the coven, and asked me to help her get revenge. I told her no, I was done living that life and that I wasn't crazy enough to face seven vampires with extreme gifts. She asked what I meant, and out of fear of her safety, I explained." He closed his eyes and lowered his head – his thoughts filled with regret and shame.

"You told her about our talents?" Alice shrieked.

He opened his eyes and frowned, sighing heavily. "I had no idea that she would continue to hunt Bella or form a plan to seek her revenge. I thought that by telling her of the dangers, she would see that her life was not worth it. _Clearly_, I did not understand the power of losing a mate at the time because I myself was not mated. I see now that what I did was give her information to be more successful in her endeavor, not deter her from following through with it. I am sincerely sorry, and I wish to help in any way I can," he pleaded.

"I guess that explains all three of the questions then," Jasper said quietly through gritted teeth.

"We all wish to help. I know I was upset and refused to track Victoria down on the phone, Carlisle, but I was still panicked over Carmen being possibly injured. If there is anything that any of us can do, we shall see that it gets done," Eleazar said as he pulled Carmen closer.

"Thank you for your offer. We could definitely use as many friends by our side as possible; which brings us to the next topic – the Quileutes." Carlisle looked to Bella and Garrett and waited for one of them to speak.

"The wolves aren't very pleased with the Cullens right now, but they do love Bella dearly, and I seemed to have gained their trust when things took a turn for the worst the last time we were in Forks. Sam, the leader of the wolf pack, has offered half of his numbers to assist in bringing down the newborn army," Garrett explained calmly.

"We don't know how many they have amongst them right now, but a few wolves will definitely give us an edge – the newborns won't know how to attack and the element of surprise is always a good thing to have," Jasper added.

"When shall we begin?" Laurent asked.

"I will call Sam shortly and arrange for him to send as many wolves as he can spare. Hopefully they should be here within thirty-six hours after the call, but it may be longer, depending on how they travel. We need to decide if we want to lure Victoria out or attack at the camp, and we need to train the wolves and our younger members how to fight," Garrett said.

"Well then, let's not waste any time," Irina said as she stood. "We will need to make room for the wolves to stay since they may be here a while."

"The wolves can stay at our home. It's not too far from here. They may feel more comfortable with a family of vampires they are already familiar with, and have made a treaty with them to not harm them," Esme said as she counted in her head how many spare rooms the house had.

"That's a good point," Carlisle said, nodding. "Garrett, let us know how many Sam plans to send, and what kind of accommodations they would like made for them so we can prepare the house."

"Will do," he replied and stood, walking out of the room with his phone in hand already.

"We should probably work with Bree the most. She will need to learn to fight, but also how her talent works. It can come in handy during the fight if she learns enough by then. Perhaps we can break down the trust Victoria's minions have." Eleazar smiled at her warmly, but she looked scared and confused.

"Eleazar, no one has asked her to fight with us. She has the option to say no," Carlisle said as he went to stand by her side.

"I see. You're right; she does have a choice, of course. I'm sorry my dear. I did not mean to make assumptions."

Bree was silent, but her mind wasn't. She was afraid of the fight most of all, but she was also concerned that she might get in the way, or not know enough to be useful. I almost laughed out loud – she was the exact opposite of Bella. Even when Bella was a human, she wanted to help, and when we told her she would only get in the way, she took it upon herself to do something that she thought would help.

"I'd like to help, but I don't want to be a problem," Bree said very quietly, her eyes focused on the floor.

"We'll think of something," Esme said assuredly.

"Alright," Garrett said loudly as he walked back into the room. Everyone looked up, their attention on him. "Sam said he can spare five, including himself. The four youngest to the change will stay behind and guard the reservation, and Charlie. It's been over a week since they last caught Victoria's scent in the area, so they aren't so concerned, but they have a duty to uphold to their people. They will be leaving tonight, and expect to be here sometime Monday night. They are going to cross through Vancouver so they don't get too close to the encampment, and they are going to avoid crossing your trail," he said, looking to me and Bree.

"What can we do to prepare for them?" Esme asked.

"Food and lots of it. They eat a lot. They won't be very comfortable around so many of us, and Sam asked for us to not take offense to them staying in their wolf form most of the time. Perhaps as they stay here, they will get more comfortable with shifting around us. Try not to provoke their tempers. One of them is still a little temperamental, but he's a strong fighter."

"You told him how many of us to expect, right?" Bella asked. "As well as… who?" I squeezed her to me tightly. I knew she was worried about Jake not accepting her as a vampire, and she was probably afraid that he and I would fight. She was right, but the newborn fight would come first.

"I did. Don't worry about it, Bella. They have their motives for doing this, and you're one of them."

"Well, Carlisle and I will return home to get the place set up, and do some shopping to accommodate for them. We will see the rest of you at the show tonight," Esme said with a smile. Carlisle took her hand and they said their goodbyes.

"We should probably practice. Kate has a studio downstairs we can use, and I'm sure she would love to hear the new songs," Alice said excitedly, bouncing on her toes. She was worried about the wolves showing up because once they were here all visions were blocked, but she was trying to stay optimistic, and the excitement over the show tonight definitely helped with that.

"Definitely. Follow me, I'll help you guys set up." Kate waved us downstairs and just before the door closed behind Bree, I heard Rosalie whining to Emmett.

"I don't understand why we can't just buy them dog houses and be done with it."

* * *

**CD cover for Beautifully Sacred**: http:/ /bit[dot]ly/bFXIEO take out the space, and put in the period.

So, this was supposed to be the chapter where they play at La Sangue Cantante, but by the time everything that needed to be covered was out of the way, I was already at 5000+ words. SO! Next chapter is all concert! If you have a request for the concert, speak now or forever hold your peace! (All requests must be songs either band has already written, but it doesn't have to be something they've played before.)

Have questions about Bella's talent, Bree's talent, how I write chapters, my methods, favorite bands, or anything else related to me or fanfic? Ask me questions at www[dot]formspring[dot]me/ailisraevynx

**Song question of the chapter: **Rec me a really rare band, and your favorite song by them. Think of the most obscure band you know (but can still be found on youtube!).


	30. Ch 26: Cantante

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you to rec me a very unheard of band and your favorite song by them.  
_My answer: theSTART – Like Days. A California, Orange County band that simply enjoy making music, and playing it for their friends. Amazing talent, and the kindest people I've ever met in the entertainment industry._

Chapter Playlist:  
Bring me to life  
Going under  
Take Me  
A pain that I'm used to  
What I've done  
Number one crush  
Fever  
Running up that hill  
100 Suns  
The reason  
Broken  
The kill  
Was it a dream  
Stand in the rain  
Sound of pulling heaven down  
Need  
Set the fire to the third bar  
My immortal

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

**Chapter 26  
BPOV  
Sunday, September 3rd, 2006**

The walls were lined in purple and red, and the lamps glowed crimson as the crystal globes cast sparkles of light in various directions. It had only been a few months since the last time I stepped into La Sangue Cantante, but a part of me wished it had been longer. The intoxicating scent of warmed human blood pulled me, demanding that I quench my thirst, but I held my breath and swallowed my venom, refusing to succumb to the silent song of desire.

Bree was worse off than I was, but she was holding her breath magnificently. I, on the other hand, tempted fate every few minutes by slowly inhaling the sweetness in hopes it had disappeared like magic only to be reminded that it was as strong as ever and not going away. I scolded my inner masochistic streak, and focused on taping the wires down to the small stage.

We had played small venues a lot, but La Sangue Cantante was the smallest by far. It was almost comical that we decided for tonight's show to be the night we all take the stage simultaneously and play each other's songs. _Why hadn't we had this idea in Ottawa? _

I shook my head and stood, flattening my dress and making sure everything was in place. Garrett and Alice had teamed up on me and managed to talk me into a dress for the show. I wasn't particularly pleased, but they were, and Edward was _more_ than please. Somehow, Alice talked everyone into dressing up, and we all went with a color theme of blue, except for Carmen and Esme who wanted to wear black. The variety of dresses was astounding, but they all seemed to fit our style rather well.

Alice, Irina and Bree picked something thin, light weight, and flowing, while Rosalie and Tanya had on tight dresses with a sweetheart neckline. Kate was the only one wearing a dress with a full length back, but the front was more like Irina's. Esme chose a timeless black top and skirt ensemble that hugged her curves and had lace up her arms, and Carmen picked a black, V-neck mini-dress. My dress was a lot like Carmen's, only royal blue with a loose, free flowing hem line that was a tad bit longer.

The guys seemed to get lucky in the dress up scheme, and got away with dark designer jeans, and button up shirts that they had universally rolled the sleeves up, and unbuttoned to the third hole. I wasn't complaining though – Edward looked amazing. He had already caught me staring at him a few times while setting up the equipment, but I wasn't embarrassed.

I glanced toward the back of the room and spotted Maurice talking animatedly with Kate and Irina. He smiled at me and nodded once before continuing his conversation. He had told the five of us that he was beyond excited with the results of the tour. Apparently we had brought in more than triple his expectations, and other venues were asking to book shows. Garrett and I hadn't even released our CD yet, and already people were trying to schedule us – the thought alone astonished me.

I had set out with Garrett to make music; not because of fame or money or attention, but because it helped me to release the zoo of emotions I kept bottled up inside me as well as helped me to understand myself better. With Edward and his family by my side, however, things had changed. I didn't feel so broken, and my lyrics didn't hold the truth anymore. That part of me was slowly healing and becoming the past as I learned to move forward and trust the people that loved me.

"Ready, Little-Bit?"

I nodded as I tugged on my lip ring nervously and held my breath. I always grew nervous before the first song. It was a feeling I had come to anticipate and enjoy.

"Let's do this," Garrett called as he tapped on the lid of the piano.

The stage was a cluttered but organized pile of instruments. We had the row of extra guitars and basses off the stage, along the right hand side to make room for the rest of the gear. The box-drum and synth were on one side, and the piano and guitar amp were one the other, leaving a circle of space in front of the piano for the two lead microphones.

Being that the bar consisted of only vampires, the microphones weren't really necessary, but we did send the vocals through a distortion on a few songs, so we rigged them up and situated them in the front of the stage. The rest of the band wouldn't need microphones, however.

Silence spread across the room and Jasper stood before one of the microphones at the front. He cleared his throat and the entire room turned to look at him.

"Hello. We are Virulent Disease, and Beautifully Sacred. We have a very unique and special show planned for the night, and we hope you enjoy the music." Jasper bowed his head and took two steps backward before he turned and walked to the right side of the stage.

He and Garrett each grabbed an electronic guitar while Edward stood closer to the piano with a bass. Alice took her seat on the box-drum and smirked wickedly. I walked toward Edward, grazing my fingertips over his knuckles as I passed, and sat on the piano bench. I inhaled deeply, and the scent of human blood filled my lungs as I trembled. I closed my eyes and leaned into the keys, pressing the first note delicately. My fingers moved over the ivory carefully as I repeated the rhythm a few times until I was focused on the music enough to not let my thirst overcome me.

I opened my mouth and pushed out a low note, letting it ring at the back of my throat. I sang a soft melody that reminded me of Renee when she would hum me a lullaby at night when it rained. I let my vocals carry higher, hitting each note softly but with confidence as I warmed up my voice. It rang throughout the room and I could hear quiet gasps each time I reached a pitch higher than the note before.

I blended the melody into the opening of _Bring Me To Life_, and our families began clapping immediately. I smiled and opened my eyes, looking at the audience for the first time since I began playing. _"How can you see into my eyes, like open doors?" _The clapping died down and Esme mouthed the lyrics as I sang. My fingers sped up as I continued the opening, and by the end of the next line, Garrett and Jasper struck a chord, letting it vibrate out a deep tone under my voice. Alice's hands flew over the box-drum in a steady beat as Edward mimicked the rhythm she played on his bass.

We all paused for a fraction of a second, stilling our hands as the guitars continued to vibrate slightly. I took in a rush of air and closed my eyes as I smiled.

_"Wake me up!"_ Jasper, Garrett, and Edward sang in unison.

_"Wake me up inside!"_ Alice and I sang together. I opened my eyes and glanced at her as the guys repeated their line. She was beaming at me, her entire face expressing her happiness.

We continued the chorus, men paired against women until the last few lines.

_"Save me!"_ Edward screamed.

_"Save me from the nothing I've become,"_ I sang in a higher octave than usual.

Once again, our hands stilled and the silence penetrated the room, but only lingered for a moment. We each leaned into our instruments and continued on, louder, and rougher than before.

_"I've been living a lie,"_ Edward whispered. _"There's nothing inside."_

Garrett and Jasper leaned against each other's back as they played the guitar lines passionately.

_"Only you are the life among the dead!"_ I screamed as I threw my head back.

_"All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see. Kept in the dark but you were there in front of me!"_ Edward sang as he played. He took a deep breath and I sang my lyrics behind him.

_"I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems; got to open my eyes to everything!"_

Edward continued before I finished. _"Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul."_

_"Don't let me die here,"_ I whispered as he continued.

_"There must be something more!"_ The three guys growled.

_"Bring me to life!"_ Alice and I cried in unison.

I couldn't help the smile on my face as we sang the chorus filled with energy. It was the most fun I had had in a long time. I let my voice ring out loudly as I sang the last word and the rest of the instruments slowly faded into the next song.

Garrett stepped forward as he struck the chords heavily, letting the opening riffs of _Going Under_ flood through the room. He repeated it twice while the rest of the instruments faded from one song to the next.

_"Now I will tell you what I've done for you_," I said with a deep voice. My fingers plunked down on the keys carelessly as I sang.

_"Going under!"_ Alice sang as I continued onto the next verse.

I stood from the piano and walked up behind Edward. I dragged my nails down his back, careful to not rip his shirt, and licked his neck. He shuddered and closed his eyes, causing the smile on my lips to spread_. "Don't want your hand this time, I'll save myself,"_ I sang against his neck from behind him. I looked out to the crowd and they all looked completely entranced. I sang the next few lines and flew back to the piano, not sitting, but hovering over it as I played.

_"I'm… dying again. I'm going under!"_ I sang as I closed my eyes and let my fingers dance over the keys.

_"Going under… drowning in you… falling forever… "_ Alice sang softly beneath me.

Throughout the song, Alice would sing with me, mimicking a line, or singing different lyrics. When we reached the bridge, Jasper and Garrett extended the bridge and played facing each other as they tried to outdo the other. I chuckled and shook my head before I pressed the piano keys and sang the chorus once more.

Edward took a few steps forward and grabbed the microphone. As the song ended, Garrett and Jasper merged the guitar rhythm into the next song.

_"Take me, and let me in. Don't break me, and shut me out,"_ Edward sang softly into the microphone.

I left my spot from behind the piano and joined him at the center of the stage. I swung my hips as I clapped my hands over my head. I didn't have much of a part for this song, but I wouldn't just sit there while they enjoyed the music high. I sang the backup vocals before the first verse, and jumped off the stage as soon the song kicked into full gear.

I approached the first table off to the left and grabbed the guy's hand, pulling him forward. Our eyes connected and I smirked as I swayed back and forth in front of him. I grabbed his other hand and began clapping it for him as I arched a brow, daring him to deny me. He chuckled and began clapping on his own as he got into the beat. The other man at his table stood, took my hand, kissed my knuckles and began clapping as well. I grinned and ran back up to the stage for the chorus. I grabbed the microphone off the stand, kissed Edward's cheek and jumped back off the stage.

I headed for a table a few rows back where two younger females were seated. As I sang the backup vocals, I leaned toward them, offering them the microphone as well. One leaned in and timidly cheered the lyrics, while the other shook her head and smiled. I grabbed her by the hand and twirled her, forcing her to dance as I repeated the chorus lyrics with Edward.

I danced with a few more audience members before I reached the side where our family was standing. The bridge had just started and I grinned at Emmett eagerly.

_"Does anyone around me feel the same? Put your fists up and vent your pain!"_ I sang with the rest of the band. Emmett pumped his fist into the air and growled as he repeated the lyrics. We sang the line, and this time half of the room repeated it with Emmett. I turned, shocked, and saw that nearly everyone was standing and moving to the beat.

I navigated through the crowd toward the front of the stage as they continued into the last chorus. I hoped on stage just as the song was finishing, and smirked at Alice who was laughing.

For the first time since we started, we let the song fade out completely without starting the next song right away.

"Good to see you all on your feet! Let's see if we can top the energy of the last song with this one," Edward said with a grin.

I switched places with Alice, taking a seat on the box-drum for the first time live while she went to the synthesizer. Edward had taken the bass off and set it on the stand beside him. His eyes were shut tightly and he was gripping the microphone when Alice pressed on the button to start _A Pain That I'm Used To. _

I knew what the lyrics meant to him, and how hard he struggled with the words every time he played this song live. I took a deep breath, the sting of human blood not overwhelming me as strongly this time, and stilled my hands over the front of the drum.

The loud screeching noise faded out and the guitar riffs began. After a few seconds, I started a steady beat, tapping with my fingertips and rolling my palm over the edge to create a multitude of sounds as Alice had shown me. Edward started to sing, and we all sang the backup vocals; our voices harmonizing and creating a whole new sound for the song.

I watched Edward very closely as he sang and noticed that he tapped his left foot in tandem to the beat, and swayed his hips as he shifted his weight from one foot to the other rhythmically.

The beat sped up, and we shifted into the chorus as we all sang the lyrics together.

_"All this running around, well it's getting me down – just give me a pain that I'm used to. I don't need to believe all the dreams you conceive, you just need to achieve something that rings true."_

As the song progressed, Edward stomped his foot instead of tapping it, and he swayed with the microphone stand gripped tightly in his hands as he rocked side to side on the outside edge of his feet.

We continued the chorus again and Edward froze as he finished the last line. The music continued for a few moments before it gradually ended. I stood up and was at his side within a second. I slipped my hand into his and squeezed tightly, pulling his focus away from the pain of the song.

The crowd erupted in cheers and applause for the first time that night, and Jasper murmured a thank you.

Edward slowly opened his eyes – nostrils flared – and looked at me.

"I love you," I mouthed, silently.

The corner of his mouth twitched and he nodded once before mouthing it back.

He took a steady breath and looked back out at the crowd.

"Thank you. I suppose introductions would be wise. This is Phoenix, of Beautifully Sacred, and her friend Garrett on guitar," he said, waving his hand toward me and then Garrett as he spoke. "On the other guitar is Jasper, along with his wife, Alice, on synthesizer and drum. I'm Edward, and this next song was an apology."

Edward turned and sat on the piano bench as I took the center stage microphone. His fingers danced across the ivory keys as the song started. Alice pressed a button on the synth before returning to the box-drum quickly. The guitars kicked in and I took a deep breath.

"_In this farewell, there's no blood, there's no alibi,"_ I sang quietly with my eyes closed.

_"Cause I've drawn regret from the truth of a thousand lies,"_ Edward sang from the piano behind me.

_"So let mercy come, and wash away,"_ we sang in unison. _"What I've done! I'll face myself to cross out what I've become. Erase myself, and let go of what I've done!"_

_"Put to rest, what you thought of me,"_ Edward sang, his voice laced with remorse and pain.

I pulled the microphone off the stand and turned toward the piano. _"While I clean this slate, with the hands of uncertainty,"_ I sang, staring directly into his eyes.

We sang the chorus in unison again, my hand resting on the edge of the piano. We held the notes until we ran out of air and stared into each other's eyes. This was our duel apology, and new beginning… no matter what our futures held.

_"I'll start again, and whatever pain may come,"_ I sang loudly and confidently.

_"Today this ends – I'm forgiving what I've done!"_ Edward cried out.

We sang the duet chorus once more, letting each word fill us up with meaning, and seep out of our voice as a promise to the other.

_"Forgiving what I've done!"_ we sang clearly with no other instruments.

Once our lungs ran out of air, the crowd erupted in cheers again as Edward and I stared at each other, faint smiles spread across our lips.

"I think it's time to get a little… provocative, don't you, Alice?" Jasper asked.

I turned and smirked at him as he arched a brow. I returned the microphone to the stand and turned away from the audience. Edward threw the bass over his shoulder again and stood facing me with a devious grin on his face. He leaned into my ear and licked softly at my lobe before speaking. "Need some assistance?" he whispered seductively.

I let out a deep moan and arched my back, tossing my head to the side. I knew what he was up to, and he wasn't fighting fair. I felt him grin against my skin and then run his teeth across my neck, eliciting another moan and shudder from me as I gasped. He pulled away slightly and kissed my lips as he began the opening chords to _Number One Crush_. I inhaled sharply and began swaying my hips slowly to the beat.

He pressed his lips to my ear once more as he strummed the chords. "Moan for me," he whispered very quietly, and I did as he demanded. He hummed lightly and placed one last kiss below my lobe and I gasped once more as the rest of the instruments joined the beat.

_"I would die for you. I would die for you. I've been dying just to feel you by my side… to know that you're mine,"_ I sang softly with my eyes closed and my back turned as I swung my hips. I bent my knees and lowered myself down as I swayed and then swung my hips back up as I started the next line. I turned around and opened my eyes, my lips spreading into a smirk.

I sang as I left the stage, walking toward the back where our family was dancing. I made eye contact with Rosalie and she grinned at me as she moved in front of Emmett, grinding her hips against his as she bent her knees.

I created a cross with my right hand, blessing her like a person would with a rosary as I sang louder. _"I will pray for you. I will pray for you. I will sell my soul for something pure and true."_ I swung down, touching my ankles and slowly stood again as I danced. _"Someone like you," _I sang with a grin.

Emmett was faintly growling and his eyes were filled with lust as they rolled back in their sockets. I chuckled and made my way toward the center of the room.

I swayed as I took each step, eyeing the crowd seductively. A small part of me felt foolish, but it was fun to pretend and let myself feel sexy. I glanced up at Edward and his eyes were focused on me with heavy lids.

_"You will believe in me… and I will never be ignored,"_ I sang softly as I looked over my shoulder at the crowd.

I made my way to the stage and stood in front of Edward, pressing a hand over his heart as I sang. I could feel his chest vibrate as he played, gazing into my eyes.

_"Cause I believe in you, I believe in you. I would die for you,"_ I whispered the last few lines with my lips lingering against his. As I murmured the last word, our lips connected and he kissed me slowly and deeply, his tongue exploring mine as a gentle moan vibrated from his chest. I gently pulled away after a short moment and smiled up at him.

"Is it getting hot?" Alice asked innocently.

I bent down and grabbed the maracas, tossing one to Alice quickly. She and I stood toward the front of the stage, dancing together and shaking the maracas before the bass joined us. The three guys sang the lyrics to _Fever _in unison as we swayed, danced, and shook. More people were pouring in the back through the curtain, and slowly the crowd began to push to the front, filling in the aisles.

_"When her daddy tried to kill him, she said,"_ the guys sang, pausing abruptly as Alice and I took over vocals.

_"Daddy, oh! Don't you dare. He gives me fever with this kisses – fever when he holds me tight. Fever! I'm his misses… Daddy won't you treat him right?"_ we sang together.

The guys finished the lyrics as we danced and stood behind our men, with one arm wrapped around their waist, the other shaking the maracas, and our lips teasing their skin with light kisses.

_"Mmm, what a lovely way to burn,"_ they sang separately as the song came to an end.

Edward handed the bass to Jasper, and took a seat at the piano while Alice returned to the box-drum. I took the microphone off the center stage stand and knelt down, my dress flowing around me. With more people for the instruments, we decided to play as little on the synthesizer as possible, so Alice began the drum beat that mimicked my heart beat. I rocked my head up and down to the beat with my eyes closed as Edward started the piano intro.

_"It doesn't hurt me,"_ I whispered as the bass and guitar started. I sang the lyrics crouched with my arm wrapped around my torso and my eyes closed. As I finished the first verse, I took a deep breath and forced myself to open my eyes. I kept my head cast downward as I started the next verse, letting the beat flow through me, my body vibrating slightly from the amplifiers.

_"There's a thunder in our hearts, baby. So much hate for the ones we love?"_ I screamed out, throwing my head back and looking up at the ceiling. I stood and turned to look back at Edward. _"Tell me, we both matter, don't we?"_

He smiled a gentle smile and sang the next few lines with me. Our voices blended perfectly as we sang my last few human thoughts and memories. I tapped my foot to the beat and turned to lean against the piano as we started the bridge and the instruments shifted into a different tempo.

_"Come on, baby,"_ I sang.

_"Come on, come on, darling,"_ he sang back at me.

Our voices blended in unison for the next line and I closed my eyes. The experience of singing this song with him was unlike anything I'd imagined. Hearing my own pleas, and desperate hopes from his voice while on stage could had brought tears to my human eyes, but as a vampire, it filled me with love and determination to work through our past and come out stronger. It was a big hill, metaphorically, and we would be running up it for a long time, but the journey only mattered if he was by my side at the end of it all.

We finished the song, and I took a moment to calm myself down before turning to face the audience. Garrett knew it was an emotionally tough song for me, and that's why we often opened with it and then moved into something harder, like _Going Under. _

Before I could turn around, however, the familiar sound of a song once played months ago in a music store flooded my ears, and I gasped. I hadn't heard those chords in what felt like ages, and I wanted to cry from happiness.

_"I believe in nothing, not the end and not the start."_

I spun around quickly, a bright smile on my face and I gasped. Garrett was sitting on the amplifier beside the piano and smirking at me; a mirrored image to how this all began months ago.

_"I believe in nothing, not the earth and not the stars,"_ he sang beautifully.

I looked around at Jasper and Alice and they were standing off to the side with subtle grins. They had to know this was coming.

_Those sneaks!_

_"I believe in nothing, not the day and not the dark."_

I felt a presence behind and I looked over my shoulder. Edward was smiling down at me, his eyes were glowing a bright golden yellow. He lifted me up around the waist and set me on top of the piano. I sat on the edge and stared at Garrett in shock and excitement.

_"I believe in nothing, but the beating of our hearts."_

_"Oh-oh oh…"_ I sang quietly and he grinned, resisting a chuckle.

_"I believe in nothing, one-hundred suns until we part. I believe in nothing, not in sin and not in God,"_ he sang as he strummed the same chords repeatedly.

I swung my legs back and forth and sang the backup vocals to his song, my eyes fixed on him. I studied the crease at his eyes, remembering when I first spotted him sitting atop a giant amplifier, head down, and lanky limbs. The picture in my head was foggy due to my human memories, but I could still remember how it felt to be in his presence; a tugging at my soul to befriend him, talk to him, and an overwhelming feeling to trust him.

_"I believe in nothing, not in peace and not in war."_

What would have happened if I had never wandered up to him? Would Edward have come back to me? Would Victoria have killed me? Would I have killed myself?

_"I believe in nothing, but the truth in who we are,"_ he sang as his fingers stilled over the strings. "I love you, Little-Bit," he whispered very softly and my hand shot up to my lips as I trembled.

He stood between my legs and wrapped his arms around my back as I dug my face in his neck. "I love you too, G," I whispered against his skin.

Suddenly, the familiar intro to _The Reason _began, and the piano rumbled gently beneath me as Edward struck the same key repeatedly. Garrett kissed my forehead and took a few steps back as he and Jasper began the guitar rhythm and lead. Alice smiled at me as she threw the bass over her shoulder and began the backup rhythm for the song. She swayed lightly as she strummed her nails over the strings steadily; the bass-guitar made her look tiny in comparison.

_"I'm not a perfect person,"_ Edward sang into my ear from behind me. I turned and held my hand out, tracing his jaw line as he sang the verse and stared into my eyes.

_I'll never be able to express how much I love him – it's infinite… immeasurable… and unbelievable._

He sang the chorus and the next verse, still positioned in front of me with a smile and I held my hand over his heart. Then the crescendo of the song hit, and I knew he would repeat the first few lines of the song. I ran my other hand up his arm and laid my fingers over his, pulling the microphone toward me.

_"I'm not a perfect person. I never meant to do those things to you – and so I have to say before I go that I just want you to know,"_ I sang, never looking away from him, and a subtle smile spread across my lips.

_"I found a reason for me to change who I used to be – a reason to start over new… and the reason is you. I've found a reason to show a side of me you didn't know. A reason for all that I do." _I paused and held the microphone between us as my smile grew wider.

_"And the reason is you,"_ we sang together as the music faded out.

Jasper didn't waste any time before beginning the guitar riffs of the next song. I glanced at him and smiled appreciatively for continuing. Edward took a step back and I hopped off the piano, taking a step forward to stand in front of him. We turned slightly so I was visible to the audience as Edward started singing.

_"I want you to know, I love the way you laugh. I want to hold you high and steal your pain away_." He traced my jaw with the back of his index finger and took a deep breath before continuing. He completed the next line and then tapped the tip of my nose with a smile. We sang the chorus in unison and I took a deep breath.

_"The worst is over now, and we can breathe again. I want to hold you high, you steal my pain away." I_ gripped the collar of his shirt tightly as I let my voice carry. The overwhelming feeling of love and dedication flowed through me and caused me to gasp.

Edward spun me around so that my back was pressed against his chest and he wrapped his arm around my torso protectively as we repeated the chorus. I looked out over the audience, and smiled brightly as I let our words soothe me and bring me renewed faith that everything would be alright. Edward squeezed me tightly and I belted out the lyrics during the last repetition with him. He sang the last word and leaned down to whisper in my ear.

"The worst is over now," he said quietly, repeating the words from the song. "I have you now." I could feel his cool breath against the back of my neck and my lips lifted into a full smile as I closed my eyes.

_It is. Now we just need to get through this battle alive._

I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the next song and stepped away from Edward. I gripped the microphone in my hand tightly as I focused on my family against the side wall. Esme was beaming at me and Bree's eyes were wide with excitement. Carlisle nodded at me once, as if telling me that I could do it.

I smiled timidly and slowly inhaled, letting the burn coarse down the back of my throat. Emmett whooped loudly and I laughed awkwardly as I shook my head. Rosalie elbowed him and he looked at her confused, mouthing the word "What?" She shook her head and smiled back up at me slightly as Alice pressed the button on the synthesizer.

The guys strummed the guitar riff effortlessly as Alice jumped back to the box-drum and started a steady harmony with them. I sang the opening line quietly as I trembled, _"What if I wanted to break – laugh it all off in your face; what would you do?" _I felt Edward wrap his arms around my waist gently as I sang the next line, and my trembling ceased.

As I began the chorus, I slumped in Edward's arms as I screamed out the words that once tore at my heart. I turned in his arms and sang directly at him, _"What if I wanted to fight – beg for the rest of my life! What would you do?"_

He leaned down and sang into my microphone, _"You say you wanted more; what are you waiting for? I'm not running from you!"_ His words were his promise that he wasn't leaving, and I shuddered in his arms as I fought to continue with the song.

I turned away, not able to look him in the eyes as I sang the hardest part of the song. I closed my eyes, clenched my fists and let my weight drop as Edward help me in place.

_"All I wanted was you!"_ I cried out loudly, my body leaning against Edward's arms as he supported me.

He quickly turned me around and held me up in his arms as he sang the bridge. _"I tried to someone else, but nothing seemed to change. I know now this is who I really am inside. I finally found myself, fighting for a chance."_ He gripped me tightly by my upper arms and shook me as he stared into my eyes. _"I know now."_ He took a deep breath and trembled_. "This is who I really am!"_ he screamed before pressing his lips against mine.

He kissed me hard and with a passion I had never felt from him before. He clawed at my bare shoulders as he held me closer to him, the music playing around us, and the crowd cheering loudly. My hands flew to his face and I deepened the kiss. My fingers traced the contours of his jaw and cheekbones as I memorized him, body, heart and soul with that kiss.

Garrett, Jasper and Alice continued singing the rest of the song as I clung to Edward, not wanting to let go of that moment. We finally separated as the song neared the end, and I just looked into his eyes, my lips slowly creeping up into a smile.

He outlined my jaw with his finger one more time before he took the microphone from my hand and pulled me into a hug. I buried my face in his chest as _Was it a Dream_ began – the thunder rolling from the amplifiers and the sound of rain echoing in the room. Alice beat out a steady rhythm as she counted down the song. "One. Two. One ,two, three, four."

The beautiful and haunting guitar melody started and I sighed heavily. This was one of my favorite songs of theirs, musically. I closed my eyes, wrapped my arms around Edward, and let the music lull me into a trance. Edward held me tightly, pressing my chest and face into his body like a child being comforted during a storm. His chest rumbled as he sang, and I could hear the dull echo from his diaphragm.

_"My intentions never change; what I want still stays the same, and I know what I should do – it's time to set myself on fire,"_ he sang, his voice perfect, and tone melodic. He began to sway us back and forth and I breathed in, only noticing his intoxicating scent of rain and honeysuckle. I moaned softly and pressed my lips to his neck as he sang the chorus. I never wanted to move from this spot.

The song reached the instrumental section, and Edward held me tighter, gripping my sides and breathed in my hair. As he exhaled he let out a guttural groan, vibrating his chest and causing his whole body to shudder. I pressed my lips to the crook of his neck and kissed him gently, over and over again.

They finished the song – the sound of thunder cracking through the room as Edward lifted my chin to look at him. He kissed my lips faintly and smiled as he released me. I sighed sadly at the loss of his touch and walked to the front of the stage a few paces away. I pulled the other microphone off the stand and sat down on the edge of the short stage, my feet barely touching the ground.

_"She never slows down. She doesn't know why but she knows that when she's all alone it feels like it's all coming down." _I rested my left hand in my lap as I sang quietly, the music getting louder at the end of the lyrics.

Alice joined me during the chorus, our voices harmonizing as she played the box-drum and I sat very still on the stage. The lyrics flowed easily and I remembered the afternoon that Garrett first played it for me, telling me that I was the inspiration.

_"She wants to be found. The only way out is through everything she's running from; wants to give up and lie down,"_ I sang, the words resonating with me stronger now that I could easily see how they applied to me. I had been searching for Edward – for his love – and the entire time I fought with myself over wanting to run away or stay and fight until I gave up.

_But I didn't give up. _

_"You stand through the pain, you won't drown, and one day what's lost can be found. You stand in the rain,"_ Alice and I sang in harmony as the song reached the crescendo and the guitar riffs grew louder, leading into the solo. As the song came to an end, I hopped off the stage and walked toward Esme and Carlisle against the side wall.

"Come on," I whispered, pulling Esme's hand and leading her toward the piano. Edward patted the seat beside him, smiling at her brightly as Carlisle joined me on the stage.

Jasper, Edward, Garrett, and Carlisle all started singing together, ad Esme gasped as she realized what they had in store for her.

_"Somewhere, far away from here I saw stars; stars that I could reach. Yeah. It was a midnight, a silent twilight. We fell down, beyond the ocean beach. Yeah,"_ they sang in unison.

I grabbed the guitar from the stand and joined Garrett and Jasper on the right side of the stage as we all began the instrumental opening to _The Sound of Pulling Heaven Down_ which had been deemed Esme's song for decades now. When Carlisle rescued Esme on the shore one night, he knew that she would be the love of his eternal life, and after a few years together, he wrote these words for her and asked his only son at the time, Edward, to compose the music. This was where Edward's musical journey began, and he did it for love even back then.

Carlisle and Edward sang the rest of the vocals with Esme sitting at the piano. Edward played for her with Carlisle leaning against the side as he stared at her and only her.

_"I'm reaching farther than I ever have before. Leaving all who broke your heart upon the shore. I may be some sort of crazy, we may be some sort of crazy, but I swear on everything I have and more." _

I turned to look back at Esme's and saw her hand covering her mouth as she stared lovingly at Carlisle, one arm around Edward's shoulder. She leaned against him as she trembled, and Carlisle and Edward sang the line about her putting a smile upon his face.

As the song ended, she buried her face in Edward's shoulder, hugging him tightly before she left to join Carlisle in front of the piano. They shared a gentle and loving kiss before he escorted her off the stage.

"A few of the songs we've played tonight have never been played live before, or released. They are personal, and an expression of where some of us came from, how we met or where we are going. These last three songs are no different. You won't find these on either of our CDs, and the likeliness of us ever playing them live again is very rare. We hope you enjoy them," Edward said softly to the room. He scooted over on the piano bench and I put my guitar away to join him.

Edward looked to me and I nodded once with a smile. He looked at the keys and gently pressed his long fingers down. I stared as he played the intro to a song I wrote only a few weeks ago while sitting under a tree and thinking about what I should do.

_"I'm not quite sure how to breathe without you here,"_ I sang quietly as Edward pressed down on the keys. _"I'm not quite sure if I'm ready to say goodbye to all we were."_

The melody picked up and Edward's fingers danced across the ivory, eliciting the most beautiful melody. _"Be with me,"_ I sang, turning to look into his golden eyes. _"Stay with me… just for now."_

The corner of his lips turned up slightly as he leaned into the next set of keys. I closed my eyes; the image of his smirk emblazoned in my mind as I remembered his fingers trailing down my body… his lips on my skin.

I opened my eyes and sang with my gaze fixed on his beautiful face. The notes melded into something slightly different as I sang the chorus. Edward reached in front of me to play the high notes, his arm grazing my chest faintly and sending a chill down my spine.

_"Tell me how it's supposed to be; where everything will go, and how I'll be without you by my side,"_ I sang, holding the note for a moment as his hands stilled over the keys. "_My hand searches for your hand in a dark room."_

We continued the song, staring into each other's eyes and feeling the humming vibration between us as the audience sat in silence. When we finished, the last note lingered and I smiled softly at him as I reached over to take his hand.

"Bree?" I mouthed, squeezing his hand, and he nodded with a grin.

I stood and left the stage quickly, my dress flowing behind me. I reached out for Bree's hand once I reached our family, and she took it eagerly, her eyes alight with excitement. I returned to the stage with her beside me and she took Alice's spot on the box-drum while Alice took Edward's place behind the piano. Jasper switched to a bass and tested the chords gently as Edward and I moved to the center of the stage.

We turned to face each other slightly and nodded at Alice. She pressed down on the keys at the same time that Garrett strummed the guitar, creating a lovely intro. They repeated the melody once more before Edward and I took a deep breath.

_"I find the map and draw a straight line over rivers, farms and state lines. The distance from 'A' to where you'd be… it's only finger lengths that I see,"_ we sang in harmony, smiles spread across our lips and our hands gripping the mic stands.

We both reached across the small space between us and traced the other's jaw. _"I touch the place where I'd find your face. My fingers in creases of distant dark places."_

As we reached the chorus, the tempo increased and Bree began a drum beat that she and Edward had created when they first wrote the song. I tapped my foot to the beat as I took the microphone off the stand and sang, staring into Edward's eyes.

_"Miles from where you are, I lay down on the cold ground and I… I pray that something picks me up, and sets me down in your warm arms."_ I took a step toward Edward and he mimicked the motion, removing his microphone from the stand and taking my hand. The music faded into the slower tempo, but Bree continued with a softer drum beat.

_"We'd share each other like an island until exhausted, close our eyelids,"_ we sang, our bodies moving closer until we were pressed firmly against one another. I closed my eyes and took in a deep breath, inhaling his honeysuckle and rain scent. _"And dreaming pick up from the last place we left off. Your soft skin is weeping,"_ we sang and I opened my eyes. _"A joy you can't keep in."_

We repeated the chorus and I held the last word longer, hitting a higher octave than before. We sang it one more time, and Edward wrapped an arm around my waist, lifting my feet from the ground and pressing our bodies closer. As we sang the last line, he spun me around once, my dress flowing behind me, and then set me down on the ground, pressing his lips to mine gently.

The music faded out and the crowd cheered as Edward and I pulled apart and held hands. Edward gestured toward Bree and nodded as he held the microphone to his lips.

"Bree, ladies and gentlemen," he said politely with a smile.

She stood quickly and bowed her head before leaving the stage nervously. It took a lot of convincing to get her to play the song with us, but I don't think she would say no if we ever asked her again. Her face was lit up and she was smiling from ear to ear.

Alice left the stage as Garrett and Jasper unplugged their guitars and followed behind her to join the rest of our family. I walked to the piano slowly, a gentle smile still across my lips and waited for Edward. He lifted me quickly and set me on the edge of the piano away from the audience. He slid onto the bench and stared up at me with a blissful grin. I sat on my hip, my knees bent and my feet tucked behind me. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, waiting for the vibration of the familiar song to begin.

The first repetition of notes filled my ears and I bit my lip as I squeezed my eyes shut tighter. I had played this song so many times in the few days between my birthday and when he left that I had every nuance – every note and pause – memorized, but nothing compared to hearing Edward play my lullaby in person. I exhaled shakily and slid my hands over my thighs.

_"I'm so tired of being here… suppressed by all my childish fears… and if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone."_ My voice seemed to echo off the walls as I sang without the microphone. I opened my eyes and furrowed my brows as I drew in another breath.

_"These wounds won't seem to heal; this pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase!"_ I cried out, staring into Edwards eyes.

He sighed heavily and leaned into the notes as he played with a perfect memory. _"When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears, and I held your hand through all of these years, but you still have… all of me,"_ Edward sang, and I could feel the sorrow and regret pouring from his words alone causing my heart to ache over the pain from our past.

His fingers danced over the ivory and I found myself lost by the sight of him sitting before me, playing once more.

_"You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice it chased away all the sanity in me."_ My words carried throughout the room and the melody felt alive within me. All of my fears, worries, and nightmares were placed into my lullaby and I used to hope and dream that it would all go away. Now, here he sat – my Edward – by my side as he played it once more for me, and I sang of all my pain that he's taken away and replaced with love and hope.

Edward sang the chorus again and I fell more and more in love with him as I realized how lucky we truly were to have our second chance at life together. I felt the sting behind my eyes and I wished that I could cry tears of joy for once instead of all the tears I once shed when I was human.

He finished the chorus and I joined him for the bridge as the melody grew faster_. "I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone… but though you're still with me, I've been alone all along!"_ Our voices cried out and a sudden guitar riff joined the song. I turned, surprised, and saw Jasper and Garrett at the corner of the stage with Alice on the box-drum. I gasped and smiled, turning back to Edward to see his reaction. He was watching me with a subtle smirk. _He knew. _

He repeated the chorus once more and I sang with him. I held the last note as he faded the piano melody out. The moment the music fully ended, the room erupted in cheers and applause, our family cheering the loudest. The room was packed and everyone was standing.

I slid off of the piano and onto Edward's lap, an odd mixture of notes ringing loudly as I bumped the keys. I wrapped my arms and legs around Edward and buried my face in his neck. I felt his chest rise and then rumble as he exhaled.

"I love you so much," he whispered into my hair. "I'll never leave your side, Bella. Nothing could take you from me. _Nothing."_

I pressed my fingers into his shoulders as I pulled him even closer to me and sobbed once. "I love you too, Edward, and I believe you. I trust you," I said as I trembled in his arms.

He pulled back quickly and stared into my eyes for a solid ten seconds before pressing his lips firmly to mine, his tongue dancing against my lips and tasting of honey and everything that was Edward. Everything that mattered to me was wrapped in my arms. Everything I loved.

And I was never letting go.

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**Song question of the chapter:** What one song in this fic is your favorite and why? **Second question!** What song do you still hope the characters write that hasn't been used in this fic yet?

I really love hearing everything you guys have to say. If everything goes according to plan, there is three chapters left, and the epilogue. This chapter was really hard for me to write because it's the last 'concert' for the story... but don't worry, there are new songs still to come in the four remaining chapters.

Please review and let me hear your thoughts and opinions!


	31. Ch 27: Preparation

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you what one song in this fic is your favorite and why?  
_My answer:_ _Performance wise, Bring Me To Life is the most solidified in my mind for how I see it being performed. Overall – Something I Can Never Have, because it fits Edward's pain perfectly, and I can relate to the song as well. That entire chapter (9) was my favorite to write, even to date._

I also asked what one song you hoped to have included in the story still, and while I can't really answer that (since I'm writing it), I figured I would give you a list of songs that didn't make it into the fic that I considered: _  
Blue October – A Quiet Mind, Rob Thomas – All That I Am, Maroon5 – Back At Your Door, Garbage – The World Is Not Enough, Chris Isaak – Wicked Game, Slipknot – Snuff, Creed – My Sacrifice, Evanescence – My Last Breath, Matt Nathanson – Come On Get Higher, Evanescence – Good Enough, 12 Stones – The Way I Feel. _

I recommend all of those songs, and it was really hard to not include them. Who knows… maybe there will be a sequel one day with a few of them.

Also, the one song that never made it into the story, but is on the Beautifully Sacred CD: Evanescence – Taking Over.

Chapter Playlist:  
The Cure - Trust (this is the song Edward is composing while at the piano)  
Evanescence - Forgive Me

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

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***Oh… Warning required for this chapter. Mature readers only, please.***

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**Chapter 27  
EPOV  
Monday, September 4rd, 2006**

"Again!" Jasper shouted from the other side of the clearing, a deep growl following his order.

I watched as Bella huffed loudly, dug her feet into the soil and launched herself at my brothers. Garrett and Emmett's minds were overcome with fear and shock as they gritted their teeth and cringed in slight pain. They paused involuntarily for a split second, giving Bella a chance to grip Emmett's neck before twisting to the side for Garrett.

We had been practicing for a few hours in the empty field behind our place in Cantwell. The tour was over; Maurice had given us our profits and set up a time after Bella's birthday to discuss future plans for both bands. From the moment we arrived home, we started planning for the wolves stay and began training with Jasper and Garrett how to kill the newborns.

Bella was most comfortable with using Jasper's talent via her shield, so we planned on using it to our advantage. She, along with Jasper, could manipulate the newborns into feeling panicked, scared and even manufacture a small amount of pain. If they could stun them with an overabundance of unexpected emotions, it could possibly render them incapable of reacting for a moment or two, giving us a chance to catch them unaware. Having both of them to manipulate emotions while Garrett changed their decisions was a serious advantage.

Surprise was our best element of attack, and we were going to have plenty of it with the wolves, Bella's shield and Garrett's talent. Eleazar and Kate were working with Bree to hone her skills and learn to fight while Jasper and Garrett helped Bella practice. The rest of us took turns having a go, switching between newborn prey, and skilled predator.

"Bella, you keep hesitating. I know this is just Emmett and Garrett, but you need to put everything into your attacks. Garrett could have grabbed you from the side when you moved between them. Never expose your back or sides – it's the easy kill for them." Jasper spoke with eagerness, but he wasn't condescending or upset.

Bella sighed and nodded as she wiped her hands on her jeans, smudging the dirt across her thighs. "I know. I'm trying to focus on the connection with you while I push the emotions out. I've only really practiced reading them, not manipulating them," she replied, a frustrated edge to her voice.

"You'll get used to it in time," Jasper said.

"When? We don't _have _time, Jasper. I need to get this, and I need to get it now! I can't even protect all of you at the same time because it takes so much concentration. Even if I do manage to protect everyone, I can't keep Edward in my primary shield – hearing everyone's thoughts is still too overwhelming for me. I can't do this. I can't protect the people I love! What kind of gift is this if it just renders me useless?" she sobbed.

I ran to her side, pulling her head toward my chest and stroking her hair. "Shh, Bella. You'll get better. We have a week, maybe longer. You're doing great. Garrett pretty much taught you how to fight after you were changed, now we're just utilizing different talents with your shield. No one expects you to be perfect," I said soothingly as she shook in my arms.

"I know. I'm just scared and frustrated." She took a deep breath, held it in and then slowly exhaled. "I'm sorry I snapped at you, Jasper," she said, turning to face him.

He smiled half a smile and bowed his head casually. "It's quite alright. I've been pushing you for a few hours now; maybe we should take a break."

"No!" she said, twisting out of my arms and readying herself to go again.

"Pushing yourself won't get you anywhere, Little-Bit. Relax. Watch us fight for a while. Keep a close eye on our movements and remember them. It might help you," Garrett said compassionately.

She scowled and turned, taking quick steps toward the house. I pinched the bridge of my nose before turning to look back at my two brothers and Garrett.

'_She'll be fine, Edward. She really doesn't need to learn how to use my talent; it would just help to have more distractions for the newborns.' _Jasper eyed my cautiously as he thought, Bella no longer shielding him. _'I don't want her to feel too much pressure to do everything herself – that's how mistakes are made.'_

I nodded once, glancing at him quickly, and then turned back toward the house. _I should talk to her._

Emmett and Garrett immediately returned to what they were doing; Garrett taking the newborn position, and Emmett trying to outsmart him. The sound from the collision of their bodies rang in my ears as I flung the door open and stepped inside. I scanned the room quickly, but there was no sight of Bella. I closed my eyes, drawing on my sense of smell and hearing and took a deep breath.

"I know, Bella. Everyone's worried about Charlie. We haven't forgotten about him. Come on, let's get out of here for an hour or so,"Alice said from somewhere in the house. _'Give her some time away, Edward. I promise we will be back shortly.'_

I sighed, turned and walked back outside, defeated. I was thankful that Alice was there for Bella, but I wished it were me instead.

As I stepped off the porch, Esme and Rosalie pulled up in the SUV. I decided to busy myself with helping them while I waited for Alice and Bella to return. I helped carry the large bags of blankets and bedding while Rosalie and Esme carried in the groceries and put them away.

"Thank you, Edward. Where is everyone?" Esme asked.

I started pulling the blankets out of the plastic bags and stacking them. "Carlisle is at the hospital. Kate, Bree, Eleazar and Laurent are at the Denali's. I think Tanya, Irina and Carmen went out for a hunt and Alice and Bella went for a walk. Everyone else is training outside." I finished folding the last blanket quickly and picked them all up. "Where do you want these?"

"Oh. I was just going to make the beds downstairs in the basement," Esme said as Rosalie continued handing her groceries to put away.

"I'll take care of it. You have your hands full with the food," I said passively before I turned to leave.

"What's wrong with him?" Rosalie asked as I pushed the basement door open and descended the stairs.

"No idea," Esme said softly.

The music equipment had been stored at the Denali's house and five beds had been set up in their place. I quickly got to work putting sheets and blankets onto the mattresses and finishing with the pillows and pillowcases. Once finished, I headed back upstairs to see if they needed more help in the kitchen.

"Well, I don't trust him. Everything is far too convenient and it doesn't add up," Rosalie said as I walked into the kitchen.

"We just have to have faith, Rosalie. I know that may be a problem for you, but just try to get along, please; for the sake of everyone's sanity?" Esme pleaded. They both turned toward me, Esme smiling faintly and Rosalie scowling.

"Fine," she mumbled and fled the room.

"Are the beds made, dear?" Esme asked, changing the subject.

"Yes." I leaned against the counter and clenched my jaw. Rosalie didn't trust Laurent and I couldn't blame her, but he hadn't given me any reason to doubt him. I glanced at the clock and it was a few minutes passed three in the afternoon.

Esme's mind was filled with different meal plans for the pack, and curiosity of their preferences. I could tell that there wasn't much left to do unless I could cook, so I left her to the planning. I took a seat at the piano in the front room and sighed as I stared at the keys. I let the image of Bella linger in my mind as I closed my eyes and pressed my fingers down on the ivory. I played a slow, somber melody as I thought of Bella and everything she meant to me. Time passed and my family kept themselves busy around me. I had managed to tune everything out except for my thoughts and the soft sound of the piano until a presence of someone behind me pulled me from my intense focus.

My fingers stilled and I opened my eyes. Bella sat down beside me, resting one hand on my thigh and looking at me lovingly.

"I'm sorry I left like that. I needed to clear my head and think for a bit," she said softly.

I nodded, my eyes not meeting hers but studying her hand on my leg instead. "I understand. Will you tell me what's bothering you?" I asked quietly.

Her hand slipped from my jeans and she clasped her other hand in her lap. "I'm just scared, Edward; for Charlie, our family, the wolves, Bree, Garrett… for you." She sighed heavily and slowly turned to look up at me again. I met her gaze and nodded.

"I know you are. We're all worried, but we have to stay strong. It will be over before we know it and then we will be planning CDs and shows and this will all be behind us." I forced a smile, only holding it for a moment before looking away and clenching my jaw.

"Since when did you become so optimistic?" she asked, a slight hint of sarcasm in her voice.

"Someone has to be, right?" I asked, my tone cold.

We sat in silence for a moment, the air felt charged and tense around us. Outside, most of our family was training, only Esme and Alice inside.

"Promise me something?" Bella asked very quietly.

I turned, arching my brow and stared into her eyes. I knew better than to promise without hearing what I was promising to do; especially since I couldn't read her mind.

"Try to keep your temper when the wolves get here? I know things will be tense, but the last thing we need is to fight with them when we should be working with each other."

I huffed smugly and looked away. "They're the ones with temper problems. As long as they stay focused and don't give me any reason to be upset, I don't see there being a problem."

"Edward, I have no doubt that they will stay focused, but you can't ignore why they feel so strongly against you and your family," Bella said.

"What do you mean?" I asked sharply.

Bella scoffed, turning slightly on the piano bench to look at me straight on. "They probably still hate you, and I'm not just talking about the mortal enemy's kind of hate."

"I know what I did wasn't the right choice, but I can't go back and fix that now, Bella. I'm sorry," I said, looking her straight in the eye. I grabbed her hand gently and squeezed, emphasizing the words. "I've told you so many times that I'm sorry, and I meant it every time. I will never be able to erase my actions or the pain I've caused you, but I don't see how that is their business or how it gives them the right to hate me or my family."

Bella's jaw dropped and I furrowed my brow. "You can't be serious. Edward, they were there for me when you left. Sam Uley found me in the forest after I got lost, searching for _you_. They protected Forks when Victoria came back with a newborn, and they even threatened to kill Garrett. They protected me more than _your_ crazy plan did. If it wasn't for them, I would have died that night in the forest or later when Victoria came back for me. How can you say they have no right to be upset with you? They have just as much of a right as I do – as Garrett does. They put their lives on the line to cover for your mistake!"

"They chose to get involved – they can't hold me in their debt because they protected you. I'm thankful; I'm _more_ than thankful. Don't get me wrong, but I don't see how you can sit here and tell _me _to play nice when it's them with the temper and the resentment. I harbor no bad feelings toward them, but yet it's me you're concerned about starting a fight?" I shook my head, my mind reeling over her opinion of me.

"I simply asked that you not get hot headed with them and try to be reasonable, but I can see that isn't going to be possible for you. You always put the blame on others. You can never face the fact that you're wrong until it's too late to fix anything and people have gotten hurt. I only asked that you try to get along! So much for being the bigger person," she said with a bitter tone. She stood quickly and left the house before I could get another word in.

_What the hell just happened? Did we seriously just argue over me not arguing? And about the wolves, no less. _I ran my hand through my hair violently, gripping a handful and pulling as I inhaled through my teeth. _Do I run after her, try and calm her down or do I let her work through it on her own?_ I closed my eyes and grinded my teeth together as I thought. _Am I seriously wrong, or is she just being overly emotional and frustrated? _

I sighed, stood quickly, the piano bench toppling over loudly and walked into the kitchen. Esme's gentle, gold eyes met mine and she visibly sighed and held her arms out toward me. She'd heard everything.

'_It'll work itself out, Edward. You two are meant for each other, she's just stressed. Let her work through it and just be there for her. It's all you can do,' _she thought lovingly as I wrapped my arms around her. She rubbed my back gently and I closed my eyes.

"Was she right?" I asked, practically whispering.

_'On occasion that can be the case, yes, but I think this time it was just her expelling her pent up frustration on someone she knows can take it. It's not fair, but that's a relationship for you. Sometimes we don't always deserve the distasteful words our partner has to say, and sometimes they aren't even true, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. She knows you'll still love her and accept her, and she trusts you. It was an odd way of showing it, but like I said, she'll come back around – just give her time.' _She squeezed me gently before she pulled back and smiled somberly at me.

"I should start preparing meals to store in the fridge for while they're here. You're welcome to join me, if you wish," Esme said as she turned to open the fridge.

I shook my head, hunched my shoulders and walked out the back door. Garrett and Rosalie were sparring, working on their hand-to-hand combat skills. They didn't pay me any attention as I slowly walked at a human pace toward the hills.

I used to retreat to these hills… climbing them as I let my thoughts linger over how much I missed Bella. That was when I had been firmly set in my opinion that leaving her was the best thing for her. Back when I would leave the house for days at a time to give Jasper a break from my self-loathing and myself some distance from their intrusive thoughts.

As I climbed, walked and leapt, I thought about Esme's words. _It's not fair, but that's a relationship for you. _Could she have been right? Was Bella simply releasing her rage on me because she knew I would take it or had she truly meant what she said? Was I wrong as I have been many times before?

I stopped at the same spot Alice had once found me, and challenged me to a race. It felt like only a few days ago the ground was covered in snow, and all hope was lost within me.

_How quickly things can change._

Light rays gently reflected off my skin as the orange and pinks sank in the sky and the night crept in. I sat for a while longer before my phone vibrated in my pocket. I peered down at the house and could barely make out a tiny figure standing on the back porch illuminated by the lamp's yellow light.

_Alice._

"Yes?" I asked, holding the phone to my ear.

"They will be arriving sometime after nine thirty tonight. That's when everything goes black," Alice said calmly.

I nodded to myself and spoke quietly, "Thank you, Alice."

"And Edward?" she asked.

"Yes?"

"It's almost eight, now. You should consider coming home," she said before hanging up, turning around and walking back inside.

I ran my fingers through my hair and sighed, closing my eyes. _I guess I should stop avoiding the problem. _I hadn't realized I had been gone for so long, but I wasn't keeping a close eye on the time, either. I made my way to the house faster than I had left it.

When I arrived, everyone was there except for Laurent. The entire room turned to look at me and I noticed their minds were open – Bella wasn't shielding anyone. She was curled up on a small leather chair by herself in the corner. I wanted to go to her and lift her into my arms, setting her down on my lap, but I had no idea how she was feeling or if it would only upset her or not, so I stood on the opposite side of the room, leaning against the bookcase.

_'Thanks for joining us, Son.'_ Carlisle's eyes were fixed on me, and I nodded in response.

"So, I guess we should recap before they arrive," Carlisle said. He glanced to Eleazar to take to the lead and smiled faintly.

"Well, Bree is making great progress. She has learned to recognize connections between others, but we're still working on how she can manipulate them. It will take more time than we have I'm afraid, but it can be useful. If Edward can see through Bree and determine who has the strongest connections of unity and trust to Victoria, we can take them out first," Eleazar said, one hand on Bree's shoulder and the other wrapped around Carmen's waist. They looked like a family together. Bree was paler than they were, but she had the same colored hair and almond shaped eyes.

I took a moment to look through Bree's mind. She could see thin, faint lines tethering everyone together. We each shared light blue strings, but each mate held a more vibrant, darker shade, closer to indigo. Esme seemed to be as strongly connected to everyone as she was to Carlisle. She really did possess the most patience and trust, not to mention the fact that she saw us as a real family.

Bree caught my gaze and she smiled before looking down. The thin lines faded away and her thoughts rang clearly in my head. _'Oh, God. He caught me checking. How embarrassing.' _She glanced up just as I smirked slightly and she rolled her eyes. _'God, and you heard that. I'm sorry! I just find it so fascinating how you are all connected.'_

I chuckled slightly and everyone turned toward me. I quirked a brow at Bree as if to challenge her to tell, but she shook her head and looked away.

"Nothing," I mumbled, my smirk still spread across my lips.

"What about fighting?" Jasper asked Eleazar.

"They taught her a lot there, so we've just been teaching her how to counter newborn attacks. She's hesitant," he said, glancing down at her. "But she'll get it."

Bree smiled timidly and nodded. "I'm practicing really hard. I'm scared to fight, but I owe it to you all for getting me out of there," she said quietly.

"Laurent? Does he have any news?" Carlisle asked, moving on to the next topic.

"Nothing yet. He thought that she might return to try and persuade him, but he could be wrong. He said that she was always very spontaneous – it's what she and James shared most in common," Irina responded. I searched her thoughts for any sign of lying or stray clues that she was deceiving us, but she was hardly thinking anything at all.

Rosalie was scowling at the ground with dark eyes as she thought about Laurent. She wanted to trust Irina – they had always been close friends, but she just felt like something was off in general. She was the closest to the Denali sisters, and she had been jealous ever since we moved back to Alaska because of Irina's new relationship. Rosalie didn't like change, especially when it involved her getting less attention than she had been used to.

The conversation continued until around nine and Bree and Irina left to go back to the Denali home. I could tell that Bree didn't feel as comfortable with Irina as she did the other sisters, but she didn't seem to protest when they waved goodbye to everyone.

Kate and Garrett sat on the loveseat, only a slight distance between them. It was apparent to everyone that they were well matched, but they both seemed to be denying it to themselves. Jasper checked their emotions often, and a few times the corner of his lip lifted before he returned his attention to the conversations taking place around the room.

We were making idle chat when the wolves arrived; their barrage of thoughts was first, followed by their awful stench. Bella stiffened across the room and I could tell she was holding her breath.

_'I know you can hear me. There are six of us. We've come to do our part in protecting Bella, but make no mistake – we want nothing to do with you or your family,' _a heavy, tense voice said mentally.

"They are here and with one more than we expected," I translated, leaving out the more personal note. "We should meet with them outside."

The entire room stood and filed outside slowly. Myself and Carlisle took the lead, Garrett and Jasper directly behind us. Alice sat on the banister of the porch while the rest of us formed a casual curved line across the front of the house.

In front of us stood six giant wolves with human-like eyes. They varied in color and size, but the Alpha was a solid black and easily half a head taller than the rest. The next largest was a deep chocolate brown directly to his right. The other four varied in browns, greys and tans, and were much leaner than the front two. I silently wondered why a sixth had come along, and who was who.

"Thank you for coming," Carlisle started. "It means a great deal to all of us to have you fighting beside us. We know this won't be easy for either group, but we've tried to make accommodations to make it a bit more habitable. My wife, Esme, has fixed meals in the fridge and set up beds in the basement for you. Please, make yourselves at home. We will be training every day in groups of two and three. You are more than welcome to watch or ask questions."

The deep silver colored one to the left huffed loudly and squinted. Their thoughts mingled together and it was hard to discern who was who once again. The one I assumed was Alpha asked for silence and they all quickly obeyed.

_'I can't allow my pack entry into your home. I still don't know that I can trust any of you, and with your numbers easily doubling ours, I can't risk their safety.'_

I suppressed my snort and stared blankly at Carlisle. "They don't trust us enough to accept our hospitality. We vastly outnumber them and they still see us as a threat," I repeated with a monotone voice.

Garrett sighed heavily and stepped forward. A low growl rumbled through the wolves as the lowered their heads and barred their teeth. He stopped three feet from the Alpha and stared.

"Sam. I'm sure you remember me," Garrett said calmly. The wolf nodded his head once as the rest of the pack whispered their concerns about his proximity mentally. Their connection was fascinating, but terribly confusing.

Garrett dropped to his knees in a quick, fluid motion. He was easily six-feet-five, but on his knees his head was level with the Alpha's.

_Sam_, I made note.

A few jeers flickered through the minds of the wolves on the left and Sam asked for silence once more.

Garrett extended his hand toward Sam, palm up. "Please, friend. We have our differences, but we worked together once before to save her life and now she needs us again. We need you and your family. I'm asking for your aide. One family to another."

Sam huffed once more and blinked. He glanced at me quickly and narrowed his eyes before turning back to Garrett.

"He wants to know why you are willing to work with me and my family after what I… did to Bella," I translated.

Sam's eyes narrowed and he stared at me once more, but Garrett continued to look directly at him and never moved his hand. "This isn't about the past or who was wrong or right. This is about protecting someone I care very deeply for. Edward and Bella's past is between them, and I will not stand between her and anything she wishes to do with her life. That is her choice and I am not her keeper."

Sam scanned the line, taking in our stances and considering his options. The rest of his pack was entirely silent, but their muscles were tense, coiled and ready to spring given the slightest movement.

He took note of how Bella was surrounded by everyone, but also that she and I weren't standing as close as the rest of the mates and his mind ran over possibilities with curiosity. I held back any commentary that it was not his concern, remembering Bella's words from earlier.

"Please, Sam." Garrett's eyes bored into Sam's. "Trust me. Just accept their offer of hospitality."

Sam blinked slowly, his thoughts wavering with slight hesitation. He leaned back on his hind legs and calmly lifted his front right paw and rested it in Garrett's pale hand.

"They accept," I translated and Garrett smiled, nodding once. Sam turned toward me, his thoughts quick, sharp and to the point.

"They need to have one of the pack shifted at all times. They keep connected to the other members this way in case of an emergency." I quickly thought about how their telepathy worked within the pack and over such long distances, but pushed it aside for analysis at a later point. "They've had a cramped flight and long run," I translated.

Esme took a step forward, her hands clasped in front of her. "The fridge is loaded with food, and there are a few showers upstairs. The beds are made downstairs, but I only bought five. I can go out in the morning to buy a sixth. Please make yourselves at home. I truly appreciate you being here." Esme turned and glanced at Bella, her lips lifting into a brighter smile.

"A sixth bed won't be necessary. They are used to sleeping in shifts. They are going to go discuss a few things and phase. They will be back," I translated.

Sam slowly turned and led the way back toward the tree line. I noticed small bags tied around their ankles and furrowed my brows in confusion.

'_Must be their dog treats,' _Emmett thought with a smirk spreading across his lips.

I rolled my eyes and returned inside with the rest of my family. As we passed through the archway, I rested my hand on the small of Bella's back. She glanced over her shoulder at me, her lips twitching slightly and I smiled back. She sat on the sofa and I sat beside her, praising whatever God was watching us that she was allowing me to be so close to her again.

Our family joined us and we all sat, waiting in silence. Everyone's thoughts were similar: _'I wonder what they know and what has been happening in Forks since we left,' _and_ 'I hope they can fight and are up to the task.'_

The wolves were still within range for me to read their thoughts and I found it interesting that they were obeying Sam without too much arguing. He was telling them to trust us because he trusted Garrett and Bella. I recognized Jacob and he seemed to be giving the most trouble to Sam about cooperating. I heard a seventh and eighth voice and was amazed that they could still communicate with the members back in Forks. They shifted, leaving one still phased, and quickly dressed.

_So that's what the bags were for on their ankles. _I gave them their privacy and returned my full attention to the room full of friends and family. Bella quickly glanced at me, raising one brow but not speaking. I smiled casually and rested my hand on her knee. When she didn't object, I silently praised the heavens again. I seriously hoped she wasn't still angry with me.

The pack filed in, all dressed in casual clothes and a grimace on their faces. Several of us took note of how crowded the room quickly became and looked around curiously.

"Perhaps the dining room would be more suitable?" Esme asked. She stood with a smile across her lips and led the way to the dining room.

We had never used the dining room. In fact, I could still hear Emmett's commentary from the day the table was delivered as to why we might even need one.

_'It's not like a zoo would willingly sit down at the table for us.' _

Esme had, of course, scoffed at him, and Rosalie smacked him across the back of his head, but he made a good point.

'_Because what if my clients want to sit down and discuss something here instead of at their place? What will I tell them? I'm sorry, I don't have a dining table?' _she had replied.

I smirked at the memory and took a seat. Carlisle took one end of the table, and Sam took the other. We all sat next to our mates and the pack left an empty space between Garrett and themselves. Silence filled the room while awkward commentary filled everyone's mind.

"Would you like to begin, or shall we?" Carlisle asked.

"I'll go first, I guess." Sam looked at his pack, then at Bella beside me before clearing his throat. "We've had multiple vampire scents cross into Forks, most of which steer clear of the reservation, but they all lead back to the shore near Seattle. We haven't checked beyond the shore to find out where it starts again, however. One of the scents matched the one in the Bella's room the day she was attacked. We are guessing this is Victoria. It's been a few weeks since she last came back, and she is always alone. The other scents are different. There are two other distinct vampires crossing into the town, but they always check the same places. Your abandoned house, the forest as you come into town, and the Swan residence."

Bella tensed, her hand squeezing my thigh gently. I dropped my hand from the table and stroked her thumb gently, trying to calm her.

Sam's eyes flicked to Bella and he frowned slightly before continuing. "Charlie has been staying at the reservation lately. He first started coming around because he said it was too quiet at his place. Billy, one of the Elders and Charlie's closest friend, seems to think it's because it holds too many difficult memories for him. He stayed at Billy's for a while, only going home a few nights a week. Over the last two months, however, he's formed a close relationship with Sue Clearwater. She is the widow of one of our Elders, and mother to two of our youngest in the pack."

"Two? You mean she has three kids?" Bella asked.

Sam smiled slightly but shook his head. "No, just two, Seth and Leah."

Confusion and curiosity ran rampant through everyone's mind.

"But Leah's a –"

"Girl. Yes, she is," Sam finished.

"Then the gene… it's not gender specific?" Carlisle asked.

"Apparently not. Her father passed away shortly after Bella's… well, anyway. Shortly after he died, she and Seth phased. Whether it was the spike in emotions and hormones or the stress or just simply their time, we aren't certain. They aren't the youngest to phase, though." Sam looked visibly upset and in his mind he said two names I wasn't familiar with: Brady and Collin.

"So do you know what these different vampires are after? Obviously we can assume they are working for Victoria if they always check the same places, but that doesn't tell us what they are looking for," Garrett said.

"We aren't certain, but we think it may have to do with information on Bella in general. Perhaps they are looking for clues that she has returned? However, how would she know that Bella didn't die?" Sam asked.

"She knows because I was forced to tell her," Eleazar said calmly. All eyes turned toward him. "I'm sorry, I haven't introduced myself. Perhaps I should do that? I'm Eleazar, and this is my wife, Carmen. Tanya and Kate are both part of my coven, as well as Irina and Laurent who aren't here right now. We are close friends with the Cullens and have agreed to help. Victoria came to our home a week ago and threatened to kill Carmen, whom she had by the throat, if I didn't give her answers to her questions. I told her that Bella was still alive, and that she was with Edward, but that I didn't know where that was. Victoria was alone when she came, however I wouldn't be surprised if she had backup nearby. We think she was coming for Laurent, Irina's mate, because of their history together. Laurent was once part of Victoria and her mate's coven."

The pack visibly tensed but Sam remained calm. "Are we trusting Laurent, and if yes, why?"

"Good question," Rosalie scoffed.

"My family trusts Laurent. However, not all of the Cullens share our opinion, and you definitely aren't being asked to, either. Laurent has learned to abstain from human blood since coming to live with us, and has been a perfect gentleman. It is evident that he truly cares for Irina, and so we trust him," Eleazar said confidently.

Sam nodded, voicing his appreciation for the honesty silently as he thought about the timetable. "That still doesn't add up, though. The different run-ins we've had were all spaced out and at least over two weeks ago for the most current visit. Victoria wouldn't have had the information confirmed – she would be acting on a hunch. So we still don't know for certain what she was after."

"Does anything get touched? Moved? Taken?" Alice asked.

"Touched, yes. Possibly even moved or shuffled around, but never taken. Not that we've noticed, anyway."

"Perhaps they are looking for information on where she could have gone or about your pack. She obviously knows that you exist and are connected to Bella in some fashion," Alice replied.

We all thought about it for a moment, admitting to ourselves that the idea held merit.

"What else has been going on that could help us?" Carlisle asked after a moment.

"Nothing much. The investigation on Bella's death has finally been closed. Charlie is staying at Sue Clearwater's place and we've been running patrols around the reservation and Fork's daily. Since we only left a few back home, they are doubling up on shifts to make sure nothing slips through."

We all nodded and Carlisle introduced Jasper, letting him take over the update on our side of things. He explained about Bree, and the information she has supplied us. Garrett or myself interjected comments when necessary, but I tried to keep myself out of the conversation. It seemed that every time I opened my mouth or caught the wandering eye of a Quileute, I was given a dark glare and some nasty thoughts.

During the conversation, Esme made sandwiches and snack trays for them. After nearly two hours of planning, strategizing, and setting up training times, the meeting came to a close. Esme showed them around the house quickly before escorting them downstairs to the bedroom. Jacob left, and a younger boy returned by the name of Quil to get some food and a shower. Jacob agreed to take the first shift keeping communication open to the pack at home while the rest of our house guests went to bed.

"Would you like to go for a hunt with me?" I asked Bella as our family went their separate ways in the house.

She nodded slowly, avoiding eye contact and waited for me to lead the way out of the house. Once outside, we were surprised to find Jacob curled up on the porch. He immediately lifted his head and turned to look at us.

'_Damn life-stealer,' _he thought as he lowered his head back down to his front paws.

"Excuse me?" I asked in disbelief.

He made a snorting noise but laid perfectly still. '_You heard me.'_

"I fail to see how it's relevant or even true," I said sharply.

'_Easy. If it weren't for you she would have never been involved in this mess. Hell, if it weren't for your family coming back to our land, we never would have been damned to this life either,' _he jeered.

"What?" Bella asked, turning to look back at me, and then down at Jacob.

"Nothing," I said through pursed lips.

'_What, too afraid of her knowing the truth to be honest with her?'_

"No, she doesn't need to hear your negative commentary, that's all."

"What's going on?" Bella asked.

"Jacob is blaming my family for his shape-shifting gene being triggered."

"What? Jake?" she asked, confused.

'_Decided to leave out the part that it's your fault she's in this mess.'_

"Because it's not true," I countered.

'_Bullshit. Because of you she knows about this part of reality. Because of your family, her life was taken from her and she was damned to be another leech, just like you.'_

"Is that really how you feel?" Bella asked Jacob, her hand resting on her hip and her head cocked to the side.

'_What? How can she?'_

I focused on Bella for a split second and realized that she had pulled me into her shield. She could read my thoughts as well as Jacob's. Her lips twitched as I realized this fact but she didn't move or say anything.

"Because this life seems to be more suited for her than anyone could have ever predicted. She has one of the most powerful talents of our kind," I said with a hint of bitterness in my voice as Jacob's eyes flicked to mine and then back to Bella's.

'_You mean she can read thoughts too?'_

"Kind of. When I choose to and Edward is nearby. I can mimic any talent I am within range of by shielding them with my mind. It's difficult to explain, but you didn't answer my question."

'_I… wait, what?'_

"I asked if that was how you truly felt? That I'm a leech, just like them. That their family is to blame for all of this."

'_Of course it is. How can you think any differently?'_

"Because I seem to remember a certain fifteen year old telling me the legends of his tribe. Edward didn't introduce me to this part of reality, Jake. You did."

'_Well… maybe technically, but you would have found out soon anyway,' _he argued. He lifted himself from the ground and turned to sit in front of us.

"Maybe. Maybe not. My point still stands that it isn't Edward's fault. It's no one's fault. Life happens, Jake. I've come to slowly accept that. Fate has an odd way of sorting things out, but in the end, we all end up where we were meant to be. I'm happy where I am. Would you please be happy for me too?"

'_You're happy because you're making the best of what you were dealt. You can't honestly say you wanted for this to happen though? To be a leech like him and the rest of his blood-sucking family? What kind of life is that to have? Not to mention leaving your family behind like you did. He's heartbroken, Bella. I've never seen Charlie more devastated.'_

"I wanted this from the moment Edward decided to stay. The day he stopped running away from me and started asking me about my likes, dislikes, life, and goals. The day I really fell in love with him and admitted it to myself. I've wanted to be with him ever since, no matter where life led us. He never would have changed me. I don't even have to ask him to know that. He didn't want this for me, but I'm happy, and that's all that should matter. I'm making music, surrounded by people that love me and care for me. I miss Charlie – more than words can express, and it rips at my dead heart every time I think about him, but we all have to grow up, Jake. I hope he finds happiness with Sue and can move on." Bella glanced at me quickly and the corner of her lips lifted. I took her hand in mine and squeezed gently, letting her know that I loved her as well. She repeated the words mentally as her smile stretched across her lips.

_'I… well, I don't agree with it, but fine. If you're happy, then fine. I'll never forgive him for what he did to you, but I can see that my opinion holds no importance to you.' _He huffed loudly and turned around before lying back down on the wooden porch.

Bella bent down and traced her hand over his spine very gently. "Thank you, Jake. I'm glad you're here," she said quietly before standing back up.

He huffed once more and closed his eyes._ 'Yeah. Me too.'_

I tugged Bella's hand gently and she followed me off the porch and toward the woods. She left the connection open between us and I tried to manage my thoughts to that of hunting and not the curve of her waist or the flow of her hair glowing under the moonlight.

She glanced back at me curiously as we broke into a run and laughed lightheartedly. I darted ahead of her, focusing my senses to the possible animals around us. She quickly took down her first prey as I watched and listened for another.

We hunted for a few hours, travelling a long distance between each kill and making light conversation and jokes between turns. When we finally came to a stop, we we're somewhere in the north-west section of the Denali National Park and it was a few hours until sunrise. I leaned against a tree and watched Bella as she traced her thumb along her lower lip, wiping away any spilled blood. I closed my eyes and suppressed a groan as I tried to _not _think of how much she turned me on.

A faint chuckle filled my ears and I smirked, knowing she had heard my thought anyway. "I'm beginning to understand why my family hates me so much," I said.

"They don't hate you," she replied with another chuckle.

I opened my eyes and she was standing only a few inches from me. Her bright, golden eyes glowed vibrantly and took my breath away. I studied her irises as my fingers traced her jaw line. "Bella… your eyes," I whispered.

"Are you serious?" she squeaked.

I smiled and nodded. "They're gold."

She sighed heavily and closed her eyes, a giant grin forming across her lips. "Finally," she whispered.

"Hey, open those back up. I wasn't done looking at them yet," I teased.

She grinned even wider and opened her eyes. She met my gaze and listened to my thoughts as I took in every detail. They were a vivid gold with flecks of brown and bronze around the edges. "Beautiful," I whispered inches from her lips.

She closed her eyes again and leaned her head forward, pressing her forehead to my lips as she rested her hands on my waist. "I'm so sorry," she whispered.

"For what?" I asked as I nudged her chin so she would look at me.

"For everything I said and did. I was such a bitch. The words have been playing in my head all day and I can't believe I said that to you. I didn't mean it. I've wanted to apologize all evening but you were gone, and then the wolves showed up and –"

I pressed my finger to her lips and smiled. _It's okay._

'_Forgive me?'_

"Of course." I lowered my finger from her lips and wrapped my arms around her tightly. The smell of freesias filled my lungs as I inhaled and I felt completely at peace.

"I had a song prepared, you know. Just in case," she said as she rested her head on my shoulder.

"Oh?" I asked with a laugh.

She nodded against my chest and I could feel her lips pull into a smile.

"Well, I think I might have to take back that acceptance then if it means I get to hear it."

She scoffed, pulled back and stared at me in disbelief.

"What?" I asked with the most innocent look I could attempt to pull off with such little notice.

She rolled her eyes and looked away as she chewed on her lower lip, avoiding her ring.

I bent down slightly, wrapped my arms around her hips and lifted her up. She wrapped her legs around my waist as she squeaked in surprise. She looked at me curiously and I met her gaze. _Please, _I thought in the saddest and most desperate tone I could manage.

She huffed as her lips twitched again and she wrapped her arms around my neck. '_Fine._'

I waited in silence, more than ecstatic about how quickly she agreed.

"_Can you forgive me again? I don't know what I said, but I didn't mean to hurt you." _Her voice was filled with remorse and her brows were furrowed.

I turned and leaned her back against the tree as I removed one arm from under her. I pressed my palm to her cheek as she sang quietly, a sad sort of smile lingering on my lips.

_"I'd give anything now to kill those words for you,"_ she sang softly.

I pressed my lips to her forehead and held her closer to me. _I'll always forgive you, Bella. I love you._ I leaned into her as I pulled my head back and looked down into her eyes.

_"Because you were made for me. Somehow I'll make you see how happy you make me. I can't live this life without you by my side. I need you survive, so stay with me," _she sang with a smile.

Before she could finish the next line, I pressed my lips firmly to hers and sucked gently on her bottom lip. I tongued her ring as I enjoyed the taste of her, remembering just how much I loved it – how much I loved everything about her.

_'I love you too,' _she thought.

I moaned against her and she returned the gesture. Her fingers slipped into the hair at the nape of my neck and she curled her fingers, tugging gently. I moaned louder, releasing her lip and tilting my head back. She attacked my neck with fervor, tracing her tongue over my clavicle to the bottom of my ear. _God, how I want to feel you._

She seemed to pause for a miniscule second before pulling my ear between her teeth. The sensation was more than I could have ever imagined and my knees buckled. I landed with a thud and groaned as I held my breath. _That feels amazing._

She released my hair and framed my jaw with her fingers. Pressing her thumbs against chin, she tilted my head, exposing more of my neck and sucked my skin softly. Her right hand slid down my throat and began unbuttoning my shirt as she continued to plant openmouthed kisses down my neck to my collarbone.

"Bella."

Her hands stilled and she leaned back to gaze into my eyes. "What's wrong?" she asked.

_Are you sure? _I didn't trust my voice.

She nodded once, kissed my lips slowly and continued unbuttoning. I leaned back on my knees, tensing my stomach and thrusting my hips up slightly. Bella stood quickly, her navel at eyelevel and pulled her shirt over her head, exposing her bare chest. I sucked in a sudden rush of air and held it in. She was stunning.

She turned her head to the side and I knew she would be blushing if she were still human. She pulled her lip ring between her teeth gently and closed her eyes. When she opened them again a few seconds later, they were pitch black and filled with lust. I reached for her hands and pulled her down on top of me as I lay down on the soft dirt. My shirt fell to my sides, exposing my chest and she slid against my pelvic bone gently as she positioned herself over me.

"Say it. Out loud," she whispered.

"You are perfect in every way. I love you," I said firmly with my hands resting on her hips.

She leaned down quickly, her hair falling over her shoulders and creating a wall around our faces as she kissed me passionately. She slid down, pressing her chest against mine. My hands traced the curves of her hips up to her breasts, her nipples growing harder in my palm. I moved my hands down her stomach to the top of her jeans and undid the button. She broke the kiss, the taste of her still lingering on my lips, and undid my pants as well.

She stood a second time and began to take off her pants, but my hand stilled over hers and she stopped. "What? Did you want to do that part?" she asked with a serious expression.

I laughed and smiled up at her. "Yes, please." My fingers hooked beneath the fabric and I slowly pulled them down. As she stepped out of the jeans and underwear, I studied her figure with lust filled thoughts.

"I'm so happy I can't blush anymore," she said quietly, looking away.

"You do, you just don't show it with color," I commented with a grin.

"Your turn," she said, changing the subject.

I stood before her and smiled, laying gentle kisses across her lips. Her fingers made their way to my waistband and she slowly pulled them down. A quiet gasp and the sudden loss of mental connection made me chuckle as she stood back up and I stepped out of the pant legs.

"Please don't shut me out," I whispered, raising her chin and looking into her eyes.

"I…"

"What's wrong?" I asked, concerned.

"I don't know what I'm doing."

"We can stop, Bella. It's okay," I said soothingly.

"No, not that. I want to. I just… don't know what to do."

"We'll figure it out together. We won't be perfect the first time… that's what forever is for," I reminded her.

She nodded a few times, sucking in her bottom lip and took a deep breath. "Alright."

"You know it might hurt, right?" I asked, worried that she would be turned off once this became a reality.

"I know, but at least the bleeding thing isn't an issue," she said jokingly.

"That's true," I chuckled, "but the tearing of your hymen will hurt."

"To late for that."

"What do you mean?" I asked, confused.

"Tampons. Age thirteen. That's not an issue."

I stared at her in shock. _Well, that takes care of that problem, then._

"Are we done?" she asked, quirking her brow. "I feel a little strange just standing here naked with… _you _pressed against me."

I looked down and laughed as I ran my hand through my hair. "Yeah. Where were we?" I asked with a smirk.

I picked her up from around the waist and she straddled my hips once more. I pressed my lips to her neck and placed kisses along her skin. I walked the few feet to the tree and pressed her bare skin against the bark gently. She writhed against me and moaned my name.

I cupped her and lifted slightly, positioning myself at her entrance and pulled back to look into her eyes. "I love you, Bella," I whispered seconds before lowering her around me.

My skin felt like it was encased in pure bliss as the sound of her gasp echoed in my ears. She leaned her head back and arched her spine, pressing her chest closer toward my face. I sucked her delicate skin between my lips and rolled my tongue over her nipples.

Slowly but evenly, I lifted her up again and then lowered her. She was tense around me and I could tell she was holding her breath. "Does it hurt?" I whispered against her breasts.

She nodded slightly and I held still, letting her grow accustomed to the sensation. I tasted her sweet skin again and gradually felt her chest rise and then fall. She took another shaky breath before she began to move on her own. She tensed her stomach and leaned back before pressing forward again. The intensity of the feeling was entirely different, but just as amazing.

"More," she whispered.

I pressed into her again as a wave of pleasure ran through my body and made me feel alive. I leaned my forehead against her shoulder as I thrust again, inhaling her intoxicating scent mixed with her arousal. She clenched her thighs around me and I nearly came undone. My teeth traced her skin as I breathed heavily. I felt the mental connection in the back of my mind and I pressed my lips to her clavicle, licking gently before kissing.

'_I love you, too, Edward.'_

I thrust once more and she clenched around me as she arched her back and moaned. There was no holding it back. Wave after wave of pleasure coursed through my body until I felt as though I couldn't move out of fear of collapsing. My fingers were pressed firmly into the curves of her hips and my mouth was hanging open as I gasped in breath after breath, each rush of air filled with the scent of her.

_Oh, God. I'm so sorry._

A burst of giggles flooded the air and I buried my head against her neck and hair.

_God, I'll never live this down._

"It's okay, Edward," she said through giggles. She stroked my hair gently, threading her fingers through it at the base of my neck. She kissed my temple and smiled. "Seriously."

"No, it's not," I mumbled, thoroughly embarrassed.

"Really," she insisted and kissed me again.

I shook my head and took a few steps back from the tree. She kissed down to my jaw, giggling faintly every time her lips left my skin and I sighed.

_I'll make it up to you._

"You don't have to," she said quietly in my ear.

"Trust me, I _want _to."

I slipped my arms out of my shirt and tossed it onto the ground before carefully kneeling down and laying her on top of it. She stared into my eyes as I moved down her torso, pressing my lips over every inch of skin between her nipples and navel. Her mind was racing with worry, fear and self-image issues as I made my way lower.

_You're beautiful, Bella. Please don't worry. I love every detail about you._

She took her lip between her teeth and I moaned gently against her skin. She wiggled slightly, the vibration apparently making her ticklish. My hands made the journey to her pelvic bone before my mouth did, and I pressed my hand against her skin, applying pressure and rubbing in a circle slowly. Her back lifted from the ground as her hips slid up from my touch. I pressed my middle finger through her folds and rubbed the hood of her clit carefully.

Her reaction was even more intense this time. Her mind lingered on the sensation as she squirmed beneath me. Apparently it was intense, but also extremely pleasant. I wondered if she had ever done this to herself before I remembered that she could read my thoughts.

'_Kind of… but never,' _she gasped, '_like that.'_

I grinned at her response and rubbed a little more firmly. She squirmed against me again as I placed openmouthed kisses on her hip bones. I moved my palm lower and slipped my finger in, using my thumb to continue the circles over her hood. She instantly tightened around my finger as she gasped and writhed.

The moment my tongue touched her hood I was overwhelmed by her scent, taste and thoughts. A pulsing tension built in my groin and I moaned against her as I pushed a second finger in. Her body rippled from head to toe, first lifting her chest, then her hips and last her knees as she cried out. A loud gasp mixed with the sound of my name on her lips made me groan once more.

_God, Bella._

Like a wave, her body tensed and then trembled beneath me as she held her breath, arched her back and dug her fingers into the dirt almost violently. Her mind was flooded with a constant repetition of '_yes' _and '_Edward'_ as she climaxed.

I watched her from below as she rode out the last few pulses of pure bliss coursing through her.

After a few moans and writhing, her body lowered back down to the ground with a sudden thud and she exhaled heavily. I kissed her pelvic bone with a smile across my lips and slowly removed my fingers, tracing them along her slit before bringing them to my lips. The taste was just as intoxicating as the smell and I moaned involuntarily.

_'Thank you.'_

I chuckled once, moved my fingers to my lips and stared into her eyes. "Never thank me. I enjoyed it just as much as you did," I said lovingly.

She giggled slightly and looked away. _Vampire blushing, _I noted, and she laughed harder.

"We should get home, it will be light out by the time we get back if we stay much longer," I mentioned. She nodded but sighed. She reached a hand out toward me and I leaned down. I turned a laid beside her as she rested her head on my chest and sighed more contently.

"Can we stay here like this a little longer?" she asked. She thought about how much she enjoyed having the mental connection, and how upset it made her to know she wasn't accustomed to hearing everyone else at the same time yet.

"Sure," I said quietly as I placed a kiss against her temple and pulled her closer.

We laid there for easily an hour, enjoying the sound of our breathing, the noise from the trees blowing and the stray thoughts of one another. When we finally got dressed and ran home, we did so at a steady pace and our minds connected. Once we reached the surrounding area of our home, Bella retracted her shield from around my mind.

By the time we reached the house I noticed that there was an eagerness in everyone's thoughts. I immediately tensed and searched their minds for the cause of the commotion.

We came to a stop outside the house by the front of the porch, and Jasper and Alice were waiting for us. A wave of calm washed over me and my body noticeably eased, but I was still confused.

"Jasper?" I asked.

"Laurent is missing," he said plainly – not a hint of emotion behind his words.

* * *

**Song question for the chapter:** BATTLE! Sorry... _Michael _the movie flashbacks with John Travolta. Alright, give me a song that gets you pumped. Like, fighting kind of pumped. We all know it's coming... so let's hear it!

Two chapters left, then the epilogue. It's been a long ride, and I seriously appreciate all of your feedback, support, honesty, critique, and love. I'm going to go hide under a rock now. Sorry this took two weeks! Let's just say it was performance anxiety and enjoy the joke, yeah?


	32. Ch 28: Apogee

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you what song got you pumped up for a fight.  
_My answer:_ _Nine Inch Nails – March of Pigs. I actually listened to it for the entire first half of this chapter… on repeat._

Chapter Playlist:  
Evanescence – My Last Breath

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

***Warning – violence. Mature readers only, please.***

* * *

**Chapter 28  
BPOV  
Friday, September 8th, 2006**

_His hands caressing my lower back as he holds me close. The taste of him on my tongue. The promises we whisper late into the night to one another._

_"All I wanted to say was I love you and I'm not afraid," I whisper into his ear as we merge our bodies into one._

_'Can you hear me? Can you feel me in your arms?' he asks as his thoughts penetrate my own, connecting us in every way._

_"Holding my last breath…" I moan as the tension in my body melts away and is eased by his gentle touch._

"Bella?" Jasper asked, pulling me from my memories of the night before. I never imagined that song writing could be so erotic.

"Sorry," I mumbled.

He smirked and studied me for a second. "I'm not even going to ask where the lust is coming from, just try and focus, alright?"

If I were still human, I'd be blushing brighter than a cherry tomato. "Sorry," I mumbled again.

Edward's eyes flashed to me curiously as he squeezed my hand. I took a deep breath and nodded once for myself. _I'm ready. I can do this. _We _can do this._

We had spent four days training night and day. The wolves watched at first, then, as they grew more comfortable around us, they began sparring with Garrett and Jasper for "paws on experience" as Emmett called it.

We were ready.

We had to be.

Laurent had gone missing the night the wolves arrived and never returned. Irina was crazy with worry, but we couldn't waste the time to search for him. She left, despite Carmen and Eleazar's pleas for her to stay. Two days later, she returned, heartbroken. She had followed his scent to the Southern shore of Alaska, and traced it south until it reappeared off the coast of southern British Columbia.

He had returned to Victoria, and he had every detail of our plan, down to how many of us there were and what our talents were. We had changed plans quickly enough, but the added tension between families was hard to ignore.

Kate and Garrett hardly talked when they weren't practicing. She felt indebted to her sister and spent her time trying to think of alternate reasons Laurent could have left in an attempt to ease her sister's heartache. Garrett voiced his opinion that it wasn't worth our time. Laurent was gone, and we had to devise new strategies.

The wolves, and Rosalie, were furious as to be expected, but we moved forward.

The new plan was to strike before the camp usually left to hunt on Friday nights. If we struck at dusk, we could catch them off guard and hungry. The more hungry the newborns, the less focused their fighting tactics would be.

It was our only chance.

If we waited until after Sunday, Victoria could strike at any time. They would be expecting us midday on Sunday if Laurent had truly sold us out, so we had to act sooner. Surely, they would be expecting us sooner, but we had little option.

Hunt or be hunted.

We were fighting for our lives – for our love.

"The pack will take the East, rounding up any scouts and taking them out quickly. We will strike from the North West, moving in on the buildings. Take out the blond female quickly before she has the chance to charm you. Do not make eye contact with her, or let her touch you," Jasper said quickly as he pointed in the directions with focused eyes.

"Remember, the obvious kill is the one they will expect. There could be fresh newborns, they won't know any other tactics. Hit them from the side, work together and use the element of surprise. Keep your eyes open and keep to teams of two when possible," Garrett added.

"Bella and I will work at throwing confusion and fear at them, but they could be in such a frenzy from their hunger it won't affect them as strongly as we are hoping. Stay within the two mile radius; any further and you risk losing Bella's shield," Jasper continued and I nodded.

"Edward will call any plans they are making that could be a threat. If _anyone_ sees Victoria, call out the direction. If you are close enough to attack, remember to act as a team. She's quick and good at escaping," Garrett added.

We all nodded and glanced at each other. I didn't need to check with Jaspers ability to know everyone was anxious and worried. Well, except for Emmett, but I'm sure under his excitement he was concerned.

"Any questions?" Jasper asked.

We all looked around at each other. No one spoke up.

"Let's move out. Eyes open, everyone," Jasper said.

We had already made our way to Deadman Lake; a small area just forty miles North of the encampment. I took one last fleeting look at the wolves before I joined the others running. It would take us less than twenty minutes to reach our destination and my anxiety was already skyrocketing. A wave of calm flowed over me from a few feet ahead and I took a deep breath.

_Thanks, Jasper._

I gripped Edward's hand tighter in mine as we ran side by side. The trees seemed to fly past and I tried to focus on everyone's presence in the back of my mind. I was shielding them with my secondary, except for Jasper. Once we reached the encampment I would shield him with my primary and utilize his talent to give our family a better chance of surprising the newborns.

"Nearly there," Edward whispered.

I held my breath as my body tensed, pushing my feet into the ground with more force.

_This is it._

"They've handled two scouts," Edward informed us, referring to the wolves actions and translating.

The wolves were only a few miles west of us so he could maintain a connection to their mind.

"They are turning west and heading toward the camp," he said slightly louder, the tension building in his voice.

I reached out mentally and shielded Jasper with my primary. The familiar chill ran through my body as I became hyperaware of everyone's' emotions. We had just reached the outer wall of trees surrounding the encampment when the first scream pierced the night.

Then, everything happened at once and even with vampire speed and sight, I found it hard to focus on everything. My concentration on everyone's shields waivered and I stilled for a second as I shut my eyes tightly. I drew in a deep breath and the scent of blood burned at the back of my throat.

_They have humans here._

My thirst practically begged to be quenched and for a split second the idea crossed my mind before I remembered what we were here for.

_Hunt or be hunted._

I opened my eyes, strengthened my shield around each person, lunged through the trees and into the clearing.

They were _everywhere_.

At least half a dozen humans were mid change, and their bodies were writhing. Another half a dozen frenzied newborns were crouched near the center building and growling fiercely. A large group was flooding into the clearing from the tree line while a few others were surrounding the West building. I realized that something was incredibly wrong with the entire situation and fear ran through me.

_Why can't I hear their screams? _

"There" Edward said, pointing toward a newborn standing over the humans. "He's a sound manipulator. Distract him."

I pulled on my connection with Jasper and sent every bit of fear that I could manage along with anguish and directed it at the blond boy hovering over the humans. He stumbled backward and hunched over, shutting his eyes tightly. A sudden barrage of screams rang throughout the clearing and everyone's heads turned. We could hear the humans changing, and it was overwhelming.

Emmett lunged, quickly landing on the boys back and pulling his arms behind him. They ripped away from his body and a guttural scream joined the symphony of writhing humans. Rosalie twisted the boys neck and tossed it toward the center of the clearing before moving toward the group of newborns crouched by the building. Emmett, Carlisle, Esme, and Alice joined them; cornering the half dozen, fear stricken, red eyed immortals.

The wolves broke through the tree line and immediately dove after the transforming humans. I turned my head and shut my eyes.

_So many innocent lives. _

We had discussed the possibility of finding some mid change, and while none of us liked the idea of it, we all agreed that they should be disposed of. The wolves agreed to dismember them to ensure the burning wouldn't take days or prolong their suffering. Severing the arties connection to the heart and mind would cause the venom to grow weaker and still in their blood stream, allowing the fire to consume their bodies easier.

A sudden burst of anger came from the west building and I opened my eyes immediately. A tall, thin, olive skinned man flew out of the building, heading straight for Edward and I. Edward turned and lunged at him. He twisted as his foot left the ground and grabbed the man's wrist in midair. Their bodies seemed to dance around each other slowly as they fell back to the ground and time returned to normal. My stomach dropped as I grew anxious watching my love fight with a more experienced vampire.

Due to Bree's previous list of details about each individual at the camp, I determined that Edward was fighting with Mark – the newborns trainer.

"Bella!" Garrett called and my head snapped to the direction of his voice.

The wolves were being attacked by a wave of newborns I hadn't previously seen.

_Dear, God. How many are there? _

I quickly focused on Jasper's bond and sent a large wave of fear and confusion toward them. The chance of it affecting the wolves at the same time was high, but it was a risk I had to take. A few of the pack seemed to freeze momentarily due to the emotions, but I recognized Sam and Paul as they spun around, mouths wide open and bit into the newborns that had caught them unaware. Two bodies immediately fell to the ground and the pack descended on the remaining vampires as they came out of their stupor.

I quickly turned around and searched for Edward. He and Mark were still squared off, side-stepping and waiting for the other to make the first move. I peeled my eyes away, forcing myself to help the others and trust that Edward would be okay.

Bree had joined Garrett and Kate while they started a fire near the corner of the camp. Eleazar, Carmen, and Tanya were fighting a small group near the tree line that must have returned from somewhere deeper in the woods.

_Where is Christy and Victoria? Where is Laurent? _

I scanned the emotions of those around me and realized that there were a few still hiding in the half collapsed building.

"Emmett! The fallen building!" I called out over the screams, snarls, and thunderous clashing of bodies.

He turned and sprinted toward the structure, Rosalie and Alice on his heels. He plowed full force into the building, throwing his shoulder forward and collapsing what was left of the fourth wall. Alice flipped gracefully in the air, doing a side kick and spun horizontally over the ruble while Rosalie leapt on top of one of the still standing walls. The three of them quickly lunged and disappeared behind the debris, their strong connection to the back of my mind my only reassurance that they were okay.

I turned again, this time toward the South and searched for the missing members of the camp. As I moved, my heel dug into the dirt and a weight pulled back on my shoulders.

"Bella!" a voice called out.

I panicked, threw my weight forward, tossing forward whatever had grabbed me, and projected a large wave of pain and fear. A guttural growl came from directly in front of me and I looked into the blood red eyes of Laurent.

"Glad to see you could join us. We've been expecting you," he sneered as he bent down into a crouch.

I dove to the side, throwing my body toward the ground and strengthened my shield around my mind involuntarily. I felt everyone's presence slowly fade. A pressure at the back of my mind told me that someone was trying to get through my shield to me, but I didn't focus on who.

A snarl from behind my ear startled me as I hit the dirt and I rolled over quickly. I put my legs and hands up and pressed as hard as I could.

Laurent flew back and hit the tree directly behind him. A loud crack echoed through the clearing and I jumped to my feet and leapt for the branch above me. He got to his feet and launched himself directly toward my dangling legs. I swung back and let go just seconds before a large jaw caught him by his torso midair. A snarl, crunch and shriek rang through my ears as a large chocolate brown wolf landed a few short feet in front of me. He shook the body between his jaws recklessly before tossing them to the side and lunging for Laurent's shoulder. In two swift bites, his lifeless body was resting in four pieces and scattered at my feet.

I took a shaky breath and stared into the wolf's eyes.

"Thank you, Jake," I whispered.

He nodded once and huffed before launching himself back into the action. I glanced around and gasped at the amount of limbs strewn across the dead grass. At least two dozen vampires had to have been dismembered if I counted those that were still mid change.

"Gah!" I heard someone shout as a crack caught my attention.

A tree shook before slowly falling to the ground in my peripheral vision. I jumped back and followed the trunk toward the two bodies nearest the tree. Mark had Edward's wrist pinned behind his back and one hand at his neck.

"No!" I screamed and ran toward them.

Mark grinned deviously as he flexed his arm and tightened his grip on Edward's wrist. I pulled Edward and Jasper into my primary shield and sent every bit of anguish I could manufacture at Mark. I didn't want to take the chance of effecting Edward by accident. Mark stumbled backward but didn't release his grip while Edward thrashed and snarled as he tried to pull away.

The overwhelming impact of hearing everyone's thoughts hit me a second later and I collapsed to the ground, holding my hands over my ears. It would do me no good, but I refused to let go of my connection to Edward.

I had to protect him, and it was the only way I knew how. I felt useless, powerless, and terrified.

'_Bella, stop!' _Edward thought.

The incessant chatter grew louder in my head and I screamed, dropping my shield from Edward instantly. There was a ringing in my head and I was disoriented, but the voices had stopped. A loud scream followed by a crack and roaring howl pulled me from my daze, and I glanced up.

Mark was lying in two pieces at Edward's feet, but something was wrong. Edward was hunched over with his eyes shut tightly and his hand clutching his shoulder. I got to my feet, ran the last few steps left between us and gasped.

His shirt had a giant tear across his arm and upper chest, and a massive gouge ran from his bicep to his clavicle. I kissed him frantically before looking down and inspecting his wound as I trembled.

"Oh my God, Edward," I whispered through a shaky voice.

"I'll be fine," he groaned. He winced slightly and stood upright. "Any sight of Victoria yet?" he asked through clenched teeth.

"No. No Christy, either."

"Bree!" someone hollered and we both spun around.

Only two paces behind Bree was a blond female with outstretched hands. Time seemed to slow down as I watched the female dive forward, teeth bared, and wrap her hands around Bree's upper torso. Just as Bree turned her head to look behind her, the female's teeth sunk into her neck and ripped it off. The expression of shock still lingering on the fifteen-year-old face as it hit the dead grass made my heart drop to the pit of my stomach.

There was nothing we could do.

We were too late.

"No!" we all shouted in disbelief.

Faster than I could think, four bodies were hurtling toward the blond with fury in their eyes. The small mass of the woman was soon obstructed by my family as they tore her limb from limb. Edward clutched my hand with his good arm and pulled me toward the commotion. Over a dozen pieces lay scattered across the ground as Garrett, Esme, Carmen, and Carlisle stood over the fallen body of the newest member to join our family.

We all knew that the possibility of being harmed or killed was present, and we all agreed that fighting was our only option. Bree felt indebted to Edward and our family for rescuing her from the same person who happened to take her second life away just seconds ago.

The pressure of tears built behind my eyes, but they never broke the surface. I stood silently over the small body in utter shock and disbelief.

_She's dead._

The silence was eerie and the hair on the back of my neck stood on end. A distant crackle of the fire caught my attention and I looked up slowly. The rest of my family was gathered around, but as I took count of our numbers, I realized that one more was missing.

"Where is Irina?" I asked quietly.

Esme glanced at Carlisle and her face fell into a grimace as Carmen gently sobbed.

"She didn't make it," Carlisle said softly.

There was a tugging sensation at my cold, dead heart and my breath caught in my throat. It was silence once more as the loss of our families hung over us. Subtle crunching of dead grass from beside me alerted me to the pack. I turned slightly and counted them; they were still six strong and all seemed to be uninjured.

My eyes wandered over the vast wasteland of innocent lives lost. My heart hurt as I looked over the sight, and I began to wonder if we had done the right thing. Perhaps there was another way that we hadn't thought of before that could have prevented this from being the final outcome… the final day for Irina and Bree.

"We should…" Jasper's voiced trailed off as if he were uncertain how to finish the sentence.

There was no sensitive way to say what we all knew needed to be done. Another moment passed before we all, at our own pace, turned and began collecting up the tragic evidence of the evenings events. The sun had set just before the fight began and the fire at the edge of the camp was our only light. My heart was heavy and it felt like we had lost, despite the numbers weighing heavily in our favor.

Edward stiffened and stood upright. He slowly turned his head South and stared at the tree line.

"Edward, wha—"

He quickly held one finger to his lips, but didn't turn to look at me. He stared for another moment before he glanced back over his shoulder at the rest of us who had all stopped to watch him.

He connected eye contact with Jasper, Emmett and Garrett and waved before he took off running.

The four of us followed. We weren't as fast as he was, but we could keep up for the most part. Once we were easily two to three miles away from the clearing, I pulled Jasper and Edward into my primary shield.

_What is it?_

_'Victoria,' _Edward thought.

I stifled my gasp and mouthed the name to the others as we ran. Jasper narrowed his eyes and pushed himself faster to catch up with Edward.

'_Which way is she running?' _he asked.

'_South West, toward the shore line. She could smell the wolves as she was coming back to camp and took off. She doesn't know we're chasing yet,' _Edward replied to me.

I pointed South and hitched my finger toward the West. I pinched my nose, then hitched my thumb over my shoulder, implying that she smelled the wolves. The three of them nodded as they pieced together the charade mentally.

_'What's the plan?'_ Garrett asked.

_'Surround her before she gets to the shore. You go with Garrett. Keep connected to me so we can relay information,' _he responded.

I nodded and reached for Garrett's hand as we ran. Edward nodded to Jasper and Emmett, and we split up.

I could vaguely hear Victoria's thoughts. She was concerned about how many might have managed to escape or if we lost any on our side. As we drew closer to her, her thoughts intensified.

_'All that work. The planning, the changing, the babysitting. Laurent swore they would wait until after – that they wouldn't be ready this soon. He messed up the plans when she was human, and he messed them up now. He better hope he's already dead because if he isn't, I'll be arranging a pyre for him soon.'_

I nearly gasped at her confession. Laurent had been working worth her the entire time. _How is he responsible for messing up the plans before?_

_'I don't know,' _Edward answered. _'Focus. We are closing in on her. She will probably notice any minute.'_

Garrett and I pushed ourselves harder as ran through the clearing of trees and neared a giant lake. There were few trees up ahead and I knew I our cover would be blown any second.

As if reading my mind, Victoria glanced back over her shoulder and her eyes opened wide. _'Shit.'_

Emmett let out a deep growl as he leaned lower to the ground and sped up. Garrett was keeping tabs on Victoria in case she made any decisions he could alter while Jasper, Edward and I merged closer together.

Victoria cut left quickly and Garrett cursed under his breath. Emmett lunged to the side toward her and missed her by a few feet as she spun to the side. His shoulder hit the ground and a large mound of dirt flew into the air as he slid, cursing loudly.

We kept running, not stopping for anything. Victoria was exhibiting her more agile maneuvers as she twisted to the side and feigned directions. A few steps behind me, Garrett snarled furiously. He hadn't been able to change any of her decisions – she was making them too quickly and last second.

Jasper cut to the right and leapt across the lake in front of us at the thinner section instead of running to the left to go around until it was close enough across to jump like the rest of us had. Victoria spun on her heels and changed directions, heading straight South instead of slightly West.

_'Go left, Bella,' _Jasper thought in a rush.

I split away from Edward and veered left as Jasper continued his wide turn around the lake on the right. Emmett had caught back up to us, his entire side covered in dirt and a seriously pissed expression.

Edward and Garrett stayed in the center and sped up, both watching and listening for her next move. Everyone's thoughts were focused and mainly on the path in front of them.

I heard the thought a split second after Garrett sensed Victoria's next move. A long growl rang through the night as Victoria launched herself toward a tall tree. Garrett pulled at her decision and for a split second she stilled while clutching onto the branch. It was just enough time to stall her momentum and buy us the necessary seconds to catch up.

Emmett crashed full force into the tree as Jasper lunged for the branch she was hanging from. He gripped her ankle and tugged her down with him, along with the entire branch. As they fell, Edward sped up and caught her arm just before the three of them collided with the ground and the tree began to topple over. Emmett continued to drive into the trunk as it teetered over while Jasper and Edward simultaneously pulled in opposite directions, each ripping a limb from her.

She flew to the side and rolled just seconds before the tree landed behind her. Her screams were drowned out by the thunderous noise of the tree hitting the ground. With one arm and one leg detached, we all knew she wasn't going anywhere very quickly.

We surrounded her as she cried out in pain and I strengthened my shield around the four men beside me. Jasper and I winced as the pain rolled off of Victoria in waves.

"Are there more?" Edward asked with a serious but fierce tone.

"Why does it matter?" she cried, spitting at his feet.

Emmett gripped her by her severed arm and squeezed the mangled, dead flesh at her shoulder.

Jasper and I winced once more as an even more intense wave of pain rolled off of her.

"Are there more?" Edward repeated with a snarl.

'_Just the two camps, but I merged them when Laurent arrived,' _she thought with a whimper.

"Was revenge worth this many lives?" I asked. I was still in shock that she would go to such lengths to get her revenge.

"Justice is worth everything. You deserve to burn for what you cost me," she said through clenched teeth. Her eyes narrowed and she inhaled deeply through her nose, a low rumbling emitting from her chest.

"But to take so many lives? All of them had a family, a life, people that loved them," I argued, still unable to understand.

"My life, family and love were stolen from me because of you. Their loss is no concern of mine. They're all just cattle with a purpose, and their loss is on _your _hands, not mine," she said with a harsh tone.

Her words stung and I realized that part of what hurt was the truth. It was my fault all of these people lost their lives. So many lives changed the day I went to an open field with my boyfriend and watched him play baseball with his family. I hurt Charlie more than an apology would ever make up for, and I destroyed so many lives and futures.

Her blood red eyes bore into mine and I was forced to see the outcome of this disaster.

_I did take her mate from her and because of me she's felt loss I never want to imagine. I felt it briefly before, but to live knowing it's for eternity and not just a human lifetime?_

_'Bella, stop. It's not your fault. Don't do this to yourself. Let's kill her and be done with this,' _Edward pleaded.

"You know it, too, don't you? It's your fault. You did this," Victoria seethed.

"I know. I can never take that back, and I'm sorry you lost something so important to you, but to take so many lives in vengeance? That's just cruel. That's not on me. That's on you," I replied. I clenched my fists and repeated the words to myself that it wasn't my fault she chose this path.

"You stupid bitch! If you had just died when you were human like you were supposed to all those months ago I wouldn't have had to create an army of dumb, selfish newborns. It's your fault!" she screamed. "I should have let you bleed to death by your own hand that day, but I wanted to see your life fade in my hands."

My heart clenched at the truth in her words once more. I had thought about killing myself that day. Out of the corner of my eye Edward shut his eyes and slowly exhaled.

'_I'm so sorry, Bella.'_

"Oh, he didn't know?" she asked, filled with curiosity.

_'I knew. I never wanted to admit it to myself, and when we found you again, I put it behind me.'_

"She didn't love you enough to stick around, _Edward. _Sure, she never moved on after you left because you had probably wrapped her mind in so many lies, but she was only human. Why you kept a human pet for a lover when you could have had any of those Alaska girls was beyond me. Does she make as good a vampire as you had hoped? She made a worthless human – I never understood your interest in her. Even Laurent didn't get it. Three women waiting for you in Alaska, and you chose the depressing appetizer over them. He enjoyed playing with Irina, but he was never the kind to settle down. Poor little bitch is going to be devastated when she learns he never cared about her. Just like you'll be when you see how ordinary Bel—"

I grasped her chin and deep red curls at the back of her head and twisted so fast that I didn't even think twice. With a crack and deep crunch, her determined and spiteful expression fell out of my hands and to the ground.

I was done listening to her spiteful words.

I was finished with letting her hurt me and the ones I loved.

Edward wrapped his arms around me and I buried my face in his chest. My mind was flooded with apologies for everyone and everything. For Charlie and my mother for not having a better daughter they could live to be proud of. Irina, for getting pulled into the lies and deceit of Victoria and Laurent and losing her life over it. Bree, who we had tried to save, but failed. For all the lives lost because of me and my choices.

_'Don't. Don't believe her words, Bella. You had no control over her choices. We had no way of knowing that she would handle her pain and grief this way. There was no way any of us could have known. Even Alice didn't see it. She planned all of this to the very last detail and she wanted you to suffer long after she was dead. She knew she lost; she just wanted to see you hurt.' _He pulled me tighter and stroked my hair as I dry sobbed.

I hadn't taken a single life during the fight. I had been so busy keeping everyone shielded and distracting the newborns with emotions that I never truly entered the fray.

The only death on my hands was Victoria, but every life lost would hang over my conscience for eternity.

./.

Jasper and Garrett started a fire near the lake and disposed of Victoria while Emmett called Rosalie to let them know we were okay. When all that was left was ashes, we put out the fire and made our way back to the small clearing where our family was.

_How did Irina die?_

Edward squeezed my hand as we headed back to our family. _'She saw Laurent ripped apart by the wolves and stopped fighting. She turned to run after him, but the newborns grabbed her from behind and destroyed her. She didn't know what he had said to you, or that he had been lying to her the entire time. She truly loved him and thought he was innocent.'_

My heart sank in my chest and I squeezed his hand tightly. _Maybe it was better that she didn't hear the truth then. She died for love._

As we neared the previous encampment, I dropped Edward from my primary shield. I still wouldn't be able to handle that many thoughts at once; four was even pushing it for my sanity.

We stepped through the trees and looked over the large clearing. Everything had been burned or destroyed. The fire was dying down and both families looked as tired as their souls were old.

Carlisle held Edward's gaze, probably asking him something mentally, and Edward nodded as he glanced down at me. "It's done."

We all hugged while Carlisle tended to Edward's wound. He hissed and mumbled a few profanities I had rarely heard him utter before.

"I can't do much more until we get back home and extract some venom to heal it properly," Carlisle said after a few minutes.

"That's fine. We should get going. The wolves are headed back. They say they didn't find any more hiding in the area." Edward stood and his shirt fell from his shoulder. He tried reaching back to put his arm through the hole, but it stretched his wound and he hissed.

"Here," I said, rushing to his side. "I don't think you really need it anyway." I pulled his arm out of the other sleeve and tied it around my waist quickly. I glanced over his scar and sighed. _At least it wasn't more serious. _My fingers traced the contours of his chest gently and his stomach muscles tensed as he closed his eyes. I laid a soft kiss at the center of his clavicle and reached for his hand. "Let's go home."

He opened his eyes and smiled faintly at me as he nodded.

./.

The last day the pack spent with us went by quickly. I had gotten to know them better and I think an even stronger truce was made between our families over the week they spent with us. Quil and Embry were particularly amusing and they helped to lift the spirits at the Cullen house in the last few hours before they had to leave. Sam and Garrett had grown closer, and even Jacob seemed to accept things a little better.

"Thanks for taking care of her when we couldn't," Sam said to Garrett as they shook hands.

"I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I had left her," Garrett said with a smile.

"You're a good guy, Garrett, I'm just sorry the way things turned out."

"The loss of Bree and Irina will be hard," Garrett said with a sigh. He glanced at the rest of us and his lips stretched into a smile and the creases at the corner of his eyes formed. "But we will remember them and learn, and we will move forward with our lives and love each other more because of this. Thank you for coming and helping us. I am forever in your debt."

"Consider us even." Sam turned toward Carlisle and paused hesitantly. "We would like to ask that your family not return to Forks, however. We believe that the presence of your kind initiates the gene in our tribe to transform."

Carlisle took a step forward and shook Sam's hand. "I think that is a fair request. Thanks again, Sam, for all of your help."

Sam glanced at the rest of his pack and nodded. They all turned and headed for the front door. Esme was driving them to the airport so they wouldn't have to run.

Jake paused and turned to look back at me. A slight smile crept across my lips and I took a few steps toward him.

"I'm sorry for what I said, Bells."

"I forgive you."

He nodded and scratched the back of his neck as he glanced over his shoulder at the pack. "I know that Sam asked you guys to not come back to Forks, but I think a day visit would be okay, occasionally. You know… if you felt up to it."

I nodded. "Thanks Jake. I'll keep that in mind."

"Well, bye Bells," he said awkwardly.

I reached out and hugged him as tightly as his bones could handle. "Bye, Jake. Thank you."

He held me awkwardly for a moment before letting go and nodding. Without another word, he turned and left, disappearing into the SUV and pulling out of the driveway.

A gentle squeeze of my hand pulled me from my train of thought and put a bright smile on my face. Edward wrapped his arms around me from behind, still holding onto my hand and gently kissed behind my ear.

"It's over. We have the rest of eternity ahead of us," he whispered.

I turned in his arms and stared into his eyes as I wrapped my arms around his waist. "What do we do now?"

He leaned down and kissed my lips very softly and whispered, "Anything you want."

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**A/N:** One more to go, and then the epilogue. I'd really love to hear everyone's thoughts of the story so far - the journey, the characters, song, whatever you feel like sharing. Reviews aren't required, obviously, but they are more than appreciated. There isn't a word that expresses how awesome hearing from you guys is. Seriously.

**Song question for the chapter:** Ultimate love song. I'm curious how much Barry White, and Barbara Streisand I'm going to get, but very interested in YOUR opinion of the ultimate love song. (or songs...)


	33. Ch 29: Jubilation

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked you what your ultimate love song was.  
_My answer:_ _The cliché part of me wants to say Bryan Adams – Have you ever really loved a woman? …but the emo side of me is saying Nine Inch Nails – The Fragile, or The Cure – There is no if._

Chapter Playlist:  
Evanescence – My Immortal (Piano Only)

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

***Warning – Romance and fluff. Don't drink or eat anything sweet while reading.***

* * *

**Chapter 29  
BPOV****  
Friday, September 15th, 2006**

After the pack headed home, the family pretty much split up. Rosalie and Emmett decided that they would go for another honeymoon, and Garrett and Kate left for Iceland. Alice and Jasper decided to pay Charlotte and Peter a visit which left Edward and I alone with Esme in the giant house while Carlisle worked. Tanya wasn't handling the loss of her sister as well as Kate was, but she also didn't have the same kind of support and distraction as her newly love-struck sister. Eleazar and Carmen tried to be there for Tanya, but she became destructive and bitter, lashing out at everyone.

She left in the middle of the night a few days later, only calling to inform Carmen that she was alive after she had gone missing for nearly twenty hours. We were all concerned about her, but when we called Alice to ask her to search, she insisted that we let Tanya do what she needed to do in order to grieve, and she would call us if anything changed that we should be worried about.

The tension was still high, but the lack of bodies floating through the house helped ease things. Edward had been shielding his thoughts from me when he knew I was listening, and I quickly grew suspicious as my birthday drew nearer. I would catch him distracted a lot, but when I brought him into my primary shield, he would smirk and change thoughts quickly.

On the eve of my birthday, I walked into the living room as he was on the phone with the airline company. He finished booking two tickets somewhere, thanked the receiver and pressed end.

"Tell me those aren't for tomorrow," I said with my hands on my hips.

"They aren't for tomorrow." He stepped toward me and wrapped his arms around my waist, kissing my forehead gently. "They are for tonight," he whispered.

I took a step back, pulling myself forcefully out of his arms and scoffed at him. "Edward!" I said angrily.

"What?" His expression was careful and innocent.

"Where?" I asked with a clipped tone.

"It's a surprise."

"I'll just find out once we get to the terminal," I argued.

"Exactly, so let me keep the surprise for the next," he glanced up at the wall clock, "three hours."

I scoffed once more, slapping at his bicep. He quickly pulled back with a smirk and I stumbled forward. He caught me gently and held me against his chest tightly as he kissed my nose. I scrunched up my face and looked up at him bitterly.

"Please? Humor me?" he begged. His eyes were light butterscotch, and as I looked into them, I felt my resolve fade.

"Fine," I grumbled as I pulled out of his arms. "But I need to know what to pack," I said coldly.

"Just wear something comfortable, but not too casual, and bring the passport Jasper got you while we were on the road," he said with a wide grin.

He'd won, and he knew it.

I mumbled my understanding and headed upstairs to find something suitable. As I stared at my closet of hardly worn clothes, I swore under my breath. This was the kind of situation I needed Alice or Garrett for, neither of which were here. I dug through shoe boxes, looking for I don't know what, and grumbled under my breath.

"My birthday… what if I don't _want_ to go anywhere… no one ever takes me seriously… _hate_ freaking birthdays… not even a _real_ birthday…"

"Bella?" Esme said quietly from the bedroom doorway.

I jumped slightly and squeaked.

"Sorry, didn't mean to startle you. I was wondering if you needed some help. I heard the commotion, and, well…" Her voice trailed off as her smile grew wider, forming creases at her eyes.

I huffed and let my arms fall to my sides with a soft thud. "Sure, thanks Esme."

"No problem." She walked smoothly toward my closet and stepped in beside me, looking around. She took careful steps over the shoe boxes as she walked deeper into the closet. "So, you need something comfortable, but classy," she said, sliding hangers down further as she gave each garment a brief once over.

"Something like that," I mumbled.

She rummaged for a few more minutes before holding two pieces up in the air and examining them together.

"Here. What do you think?" she asked as she turned to face me.

I'd worn the shirt during one of our shows. It was backless, but had long, billowy sleeves that gathered at the wrist. The pants were black, straight-legged and modest. It looked comfortable but still nice. I smiled and nodded slightly. "Yeah, I like it. Thanks, Esme."

She handed me the two hangers and kissed my cheek. "My pleasure." She patted the top of my hand and hesitated in front of me. "He's just trying to make up for the past, you know," she said very quietly.

I furrowed my brow and studied her expression. She looked slightly crestfallen, but her smile lingered.

"I know."

"You may not think that it's necessary, and it really isn't, but he wants to show you, not just tell you. Men are visual creatures," she said with a slight smirk. "If they don't have an image, a solid memory to hold to the occasion, it gets lost amongst the other clutter in their head. Let him show you. I promise it won't be as terrible as you think it will be."

I nodded and swallowed. I'd never really had a mother figure. Renee was always the best friend, never the adult. She rarely offered me words of advice, and if she did, it was never insightful or wise.

"Your reaction will be all the confirmation he needs. He'll hold that in the forefront of his mind forever. Just remember that." She patted my hand once more and smiled weakly before stepping past me.

I stood in the center of the closet, the clothes draping over my arms, still on their hangers for I don't know how long. As my mind was replaying Esme's words, Edward stuck his head into the closet.

"Bella?" he asked quietly. "Are you okay?"

I turned quickly and swallowed, nodding. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"You ready to go? We should head to the airport."

"Yeah, I'm ready. Should I change now, or bring a carryon?"

"Go ahead and change. It won't be a long trip," he said with a gentle smile.

I changed, grabbed my wallet and headed down the stairs. When I reached the last step and looked up, all of the air in my lungs rushed out.

_God, he's stunning._

His lips pulled up in a grin and he held his hand out for me to take.

"Shall we?" he asked.

I took his hand, and nodded slowly as I swallowed. I repeated Esme's words in my mind, reminding me to be good and not too cranky. The run to the airport was quick, and we managed to catch our flight with thirty minutes to spare.

I'd performed many concerts and been in small areas with humans before, but I still didn't risk breathing once we entered the terminal. I glanced up at the sign and read the destination.

"Seattle?" I asked.

"What were you expecting?"

"I don't know. Paris maybe, or London, but not Seattle," I said honestly with what little air I had left.

"Well, I didn't know you were thinking so romantically," he teased.

I rolled my eyes and playfully slapped at his arm. He caught my wrist and kissed my fingertips before releasing me.

We boarded the plane, and within a few short hours, we had landed in Seattle. Just as the wheels touched the ground, the pilot announced the weather, date and time before thanking us for choosing their airline.

"Happy birthday," Edward whispered quietly into my ear. He kissed my lobe and my eyes fluttered closed.

When I regained my focus, I furrowed my brow at him, confused. He tapped his watch and smiled. I hadn't been paying attention to the time when it was announced. It was four minutes after midnight.

Once we were far enough away from the airport, I took a deep breath. I decided that just because I wasn't going to be cranky didn't mean I couldn't badger him with questions.

"So, where are we going that's fancy in Seattle?"

"Nope."

"Nope, what?"

"I'm not spoiling it."

I rolled my eyes and huffed.

We spent the early hours of the morning on a mountain top. We watched the sun rise and immediately hide behind the clouds. Later he took me into Seattle to visit the EMP Theater. I wasn't much of a sci-fi person, but the music portion of the theater was amazing. It was during our tour through the music history section that I realized how much music was responsible for tying Edward and I together again. If I hadn't met Garrett at a music store, or agreed to start a band with him, I probably would have wandered the earth lonely until I couldn't take it anymore.

I didn't like the feeling of being weak, however, and as I looked back at my old self compared to who I had become today, I realized that the old me was very weak. I was naïve, influential, and held very little responsibility in my life. I had always thought that I was grown up and mature, but I wasn't. _I'm still not. I'll forever be eighteen._

Edward squeezed my hand and it pulled me from my thoughts. His fingers swept across my forehead and tucked my hair behind my ear as he stared into my eyes. "Are you alright?"

I nodded once and forced a smile before continuing the tour. I tried to not let my thoughts stray very far after that.

Once we left the theater, we headed to a well-covered park. Edward told me that he had checked with Alice before she left, and the day would be perfect weather for us to be out in public. We leaned against the tree, his arms wrapped around me as we talked about the theater, our music, and plans for the future.

He wanted to merge our bands and go on tour again. He mentioned writing new songs and playing like a full band with a drummer and everything. We laughed at different name ideas, but nothing seemed to fit. Every thirty minutes or so, he would squeeze me tightly and whisper that he loved me, and my heart would swell in my chest as I inhaled his scent.

As the sun began to set, Edward led me into the forest near the outskirts of town. He stopped just inside the tree line and smiled at me. I immediately knew what he wanted.

"No."

His face fell and he took my hands. "Please. Just this one last time. I promise."

"No."

"I wouldn't bother asking normally, but I want this to be a surprise."

"Edward, I'm not riding on your back. I have my own pair of super-vampire-feet now. You know I hated that when I was human."

"You only hated it because it made you sick. You liked me holding you."

"Oh really?" I teased, crossing my arms and quirking a brow.

He arched one brow as well and held a smirk across his lips, not saying a word.

"Fine," I mumbled before hopping onto his back.

His kissed my forearm that was around his neck gently before taking off running. I closed my eyes and tried to deny the smile that was threatening to spread across my lips.

Within ten minutes, he slowed down and let me slip from his back.

"Keep them closed," he whispered into my ear.

I tugged on my lip ring and nodded. I took a cautious breath but all I could smell was Edward and greenery. The wind blew gently and I could see the glow of the sun setting behind my lids. He held me still for a few more lingering moments before finally whispering in my ear to open my eyes.

The reflection off of the ivory white keys sparkled and lit up the center of the meadow which was covered in fallen autumn leaves. The stark black of the old piano in the ring of orange and red was magnificent, and my breath caught in my throat.

It was his old piano, and our meadow.

I tore my eyes away from the sight in front of me and stared into Edward's. "You," I mumbled, but I couldn't finish my thought.

He nodded and brought my fingertips to his lips, kissing them gently. "Happy birthday, my Bella."

He led me slowly toward the piano and lifted me at the waist, setting me on the black frame with ease and grace before taking his seat. The piano beneath me was just as I remembered from my human days spent at his old house. I glanced at the ivory keys and even the spot of my human blood was still dried on the side of the center C key.

His fingers began a slow and beautiful dance as he pressed each note carefully and created my lullaby.

I wanted to close my eyes as I listened to him play, but the scenery before me was too beautiful to shut out. I stared at him for a while before turning to watch the last few moments of the sunset. Just before the color left the sky, Edward opened his mouth.

_"But you still have… all of me,"_ he sang gently. His fingers lingered over the final notes and I smiled brightly, knowing I would be blushing if it were still possible.

I slid from the top of the piano onto his lap and kissed him softly. His lips pressed more firmly to mine as he wrapped his arms around my back and waist. We stayed like that for a long moment before pulling back to look into each other's eyes.

I had everything I wanted. _How did I get so lucky?_

He leaned back in and pressed his lips to my jaw. His breath on my neck made me shudder and inhale sharply. The faint touch of his fingers gliding over my spine sent a wave of pleasure through me and a gentle moan escaped my lips. We quickly became a tangle of limbs and a symphony of moans and sighs. The pleasure he brought me quickly escalated and I was whimpering his name as I shook. He peppered my skin with kisses, slowly working his way to my ear.

"I love you, Bella," he whispered quietly.

We lost track of time as we spent the night in each other's arms under the cloudy sky of where our life began. It was strange to think that not even two years ago we had lay in the same exact spot and worried about touching one another. Yet, there we were, doing more than just touching, and not a single thought of worry.

"I have another gift for you," Edward said softly. His chest vibrated as he spoke and I slid my hand up his torso, pressing gently on his sternum to sit up and look at him.

"I don't know if I can handle more gifts," I said with a smirk.

He chuckled and brushed my hair behind my ear. "Not that kind of gift. I'm actually not sure how you will respond to it, to be honest." He furrowed his brows as he stared into my eyes and seemed to search for something.

"Well, what is it?" I asked. His expression had me slightly concerned.

"I… well, I thought that we could visit Charlie while he slept. Give you a chance to say goodbye." His voice was so quiet I almost wasn't certain I had heard him properly, even with my acute senses. As his face deepened with wrinkles from concern and worry, I realized I had heard him perfectly fine.

"But… he can't know," I said, speaking my thoughts out loud as I tried to process what he was telling me.

"You'd have to keep your distance and be sure not to wake him, but I thought that you might want to see him one last time. We won't be allowed to come back to Forks after this."

"How did you get them to agree to this visit in the first place?" I asked.

"Sam agreed that a night visit would be alright for your birthday, but that after tonight we can't come back. He doesn't want to risk the gene mutating in any other generations. He actually helped me arrange this. He and a few of the pack brought the piano out here tonight for us."

I glanced back at the piano and stared at it curiously. The relationship with the pack had changed so quickly and so drastically over the week they stayed and fought by our side. As I got lost in thought, my focus shifted to Charlie and an ache in my chest made me shudder slightly. I nodded very slowly as I turned to look back down at Edward lying in the grass.

"I'd like to say goodbye," I whispered, swallowing afterward and taking a deep breath.

He took my hand and we stood to get dressed. Within seconds we were heading through the familiar forest of Forks toward my old house. I saw the porch light first, and I was immediately hit with a wave of sorrow. I missed Charlie. I never really got to know him that well, and I'm fairly certain I was a rotten daughter the last couple of years.

I wished I could apologize and tell him that I was sorry things turned out the way they did. I wanted to tell him to be happy with Sue Clearwater, and move on – not to worry about me. A part of me silently prayed that he would wake while I was there, but I knew that it wouldn't end well if he did. At best he would freak out and then we'd always have to worry about the Volturi finding him. At worst, he'd die of a heart attack. I knew somewhere inside of me that I had to let him go, and not disrupt his healing process, but that didn't dull the ache in my heart that wished for my father to be a part of my life.

We stopped at the tree line across the street from the old house, and I stared up at my window. I imagined the light on as I would wait for Edward to return from hunting to lay by my side as I slept. I pictured the snow falling as I sat in the window and watched the world pass me by. I remembered all the books I had read while sitting in the rocking chair.

_This used to be my home._

"Did you want to go inside?" Edward asked quietly as he squeezed my hand.

I nodded once and followed him toward the house. He leapt up into the tree effortlessly and pulled at the window pane. It creaked open and he climbed inside, pausing on the other side to offer me his hand. I smiled at his chivalry and took it as I climbed through my old window.

I looked around and was utterly amazed. Charlie hadn't touched or moved a single thing. My blanket was still tossed back gently and my homework was scattered across my desk. It felt as though I had stepped back into that fateful day.

I ran my fingers along the bed as we walked toward the door. Edward gently pulled it open for me and waited for me to step into the hallway. I listened for Charlie and recognized his snoring downstairs on the couch. I glanced at Edward before pulling the familiarity of his mind into primary shield.

_Why is he asleep here tonight? _I asked. _Doesn't he usually stay at Sue Clearwater's?_

_'Sam mentioned that Charlie has been really distant since they got back. He thinks it might have to do with your birthday and missing you, but he wasn't sure,' _Edward thought.

I sighed heavily and my chest tightened. I recognized the constriction of my throat and pressure behind my eyes, and immediately tried to calm myself. I knew I couldn't cry like human, but the dry sobs could still wake Charlie.

Edward ran his hand over my shoulder and nodded toward the stairs. I took another deep breath, but this time I noticed Charlie's scent. I immediately held my breath, not wanting to take any chances of accidently hurting him.

Once we were downstairs, I crouched at the end of the couch where Charlie was curled up. His head was resting on the arm rest and he looked cold and tired. Edward heard my concerns and handed me a blanket from the recliner. I carefully laid it over him, making sure I didn't disturb him, and watched my father sleep. He wasn't dreaming that I could tell, and his breathing was heavy and natural. I hoped that he didn't have nightmares, but I knew that he probably did. When Edward left, I always had nightmares, and I was sure that it would be the same for Charlie.

As I knelt by his head and watched him sleep, I thought of all the things I never thanked him for. I became overwhelmed with guilt and slowly started to hate myself for how I had treated him.

_'He loves you, Bella. Teenagers never express their gratitude for every small thing, and you shouldn't feel guilty for how things turned out. You didn't ask for this,' _Edward thought.

I shut my eyes and shook my head. _I still should have told him that I appreciated him more. That I loved him._

_'Charlie was never an emotional kind of guy. He knew you loved him and appreciated him. He knew it every time you did something for him or talked to him.'_

_I still should have—_

_'You had no choice in how things turned out. You couldn't do anything. No child ever expects to be gone before their parents. You had no way of knowing. Don't beat yourself up over this, please. I wanted for you to have some closure, not find more reason to be angry with yourself.'_

I sighed and nodded as I opened my eyes. _I'm sorry. _I leaned in closer to Charlie and slowly inhaled his scent. I wanted to remember it forever. He smelled like pine and orange with an undertone of oil and leather. A quiet sob escaped my lips and I stilled as I tried to regain my composure. I didn't want to say goodbye. Not now, not ever.

_'You have to, Bella. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry.'_

I knew he was right. Charlie could never know – it would put his life in danger. He deserved a steady, normal life, and I hoped that Sue would bring him some sort of happiness. Somewhere in the back of my mind I realized that this is how Edward felt when he left me. Edward looked away and grimaced slightly at my thought. _I understand now, _I thought. _But that doesn't mean it hurt any less._

_'I know. I felt that I had no choice when I left. I never gave us enough credit to realize that we were fated for one another. You seem to have a natural ability to adapt to this lifestyle. Charlie is different. He belongs in the human world where everything makes sense to him. He'll be happy again someday soon, I'm sure.'_ Edward was looking down at Charlie as he thought, and there was gentleness to his eyes.

I stood slowly, careful to not make any noise or move too quickly, and gazed down at my father. He tugged the blanket around his shoulders tighter and exhaled deeply, mumbling something incoherent.

I kissed the top of his head as gently as I could manage, only barely grazing his hair and lingering for a second. Edward rubbed my knuckles softly before smiling at me. '_Ready to leave?' _he asked mentally. I nodded and followed him upstairs and out the window.

Once we were in the forest across the street, Edward paused. "We have a few hours before our plane leaves. Did you want to go anywhere else? Perhaps back to the meadow, or my old house?"

I shook my head. My heart was already tugging me back into the house to be with Charlie. I needed to leave before I broke down and ran in to apologize to him.

"Let's go home," I said quietly, and he nodded in understanding.

./.

As the days went on, our family slowly came back together. Alice and Jasper returned first, followed by Garrett and Kate the next week. Garrett had been rather distant, but I figured it was because he was so wrapped up with Kate. I tried to not let it bother me, but it didn't go completely unnoticed.

Tanya was doing better, but she was still bitter. She returned home shortly after Kate and Garrett did, but she didn't spend much time there. I wished there was something I could do to make it easier for her, but I knew they we all grieved in our own way. Bree had been on my mind a lot, and as much as I missed her, I wondered how hard this life would have been for her if things hadn't turned out the way they did.

One night while Edward and I were watching a movie with Esme, Garrett and Kate came back from a hunt. Esme asked them to join us but they declined.

"Actually, can I have a moment of your time, Little-Bit?" Garrett asked cautiously.

Edward glanced at me awkwardly before I nodded and stood to follow Garrett out of the room. Kate disappeared out the front door a moment later as Garrett led me to the back of the house.

"What's wrong?" I asked.

"I wanted to talk to you." His voice was strained and something seemed off. I immediately began to worry.

He stopped once we entered the music studio in the basement and he sat down on the piano bench. He stared at the ground as he took a deep breath, then tilted his head up and met my gaze.

"I'm sorry, Little-Bit, but… I am leaving Beautifully Sacred." He stared intensely into my eyes, shifting back and forth as if he was searching for something. As the seconds passed, his forehead began to wrinkle with concern.

"Why?" I asked after a moment of shocked silence.

He sighed heavily and looked back down. "Because I want to ask Kate to marry me. I want to settle down. I'm tired of living the nomad life. I've done it for far too long, and I'm ready for something stable. It's nothing against you, or Edward, or the rest of his family, I just… I really like her, you know? And I want—"

"I understand – it's okay," I said, cutting him off. I walked over to him and sat down on the bench beside him. He slid over to give me some room, and we were sitting shoulder to shoulder. I took a moment to organize my thoughts. I was hurt, but I understood.

I leaned over, lying my head on his shoulder, and smiled up at him. His lips twitched and the corner of his eyes wrinkled slightly. He looked like a pile of mixed emotions. "Tell me what you're thinking," I said, looking into his eyes.

"I'm thinking that I don't want to hurt you. I don't want you to think I'm leaving you high and dry, or replacing you. That's not the truth at all. No one can ever take the place in my life and in my heart that you have. I never knew or even imagined that love could take so many different forms and levels of intensity. I love you, Little-Bit, and I'm happy you are finally happy. It wasn't the longest road I've been down, but it was definitely the most adventurous. I've been playing music and going from city to city for so long now, I don't feel like I have a place to call home. I want that. I want that more than I can even express, and I never fathomed that I would feel that way. I figured I had explored the world; obviously there was nothing more for me. I was content, but now… now I'm… I don't even know how to explain it."

I smiled wider and brought my hand to the yellow tear drop necklace he had given me before our very first show. "You feel complete. It's a complex feeling, overwhelming at times, and you feel the need to test it – to make sure it's really there. It's like it's real, but not tangible." I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, letting my fingers slip from the necklace to my lap. "I'm always afraid it's going to be taken away."

Garrett wrapped his arm around my shoulder and squeezed me into his side. I exhaled slowly and glanced back up at him. "Are you happy?"

He smirked slightly before nodding once. "I think so," he said, staring into my eyes. "Are you?"

I chuckled once, shrugging my shoulders and nodded. "Yeah, I am."

He kissed the top of my head and I felt his lips pull into a smile.

"So, what do we do now?" I asked.

"I get the courage to propose to Kate, and you… you do whatever you want to do with your life. Whatever makes you happy. I'll sign over all of the rights to the songs, and you can continue touring if you want, or make a new CD."

"Where are you going to live?" I asked, my heart sinking at the prospect of it being far away.

"Not sure yet. We liked Iceland, but Kate is concerned about Tanya, and she will probably want to stay nearby. I don't mind Alaska or Canada, and the idea of being close to you isn't terrible, either," he said with a smirk and a nudge.

I smiled and hid my face with my hair. "Will you still come to the shows if they are close by?"

"Of course. I wouldn't dream of missing it."

I nodded and exhaled slowly, feeling much better that he wasn't leaving me entirely. "I love you too, mister," I said, elbowing him gently in the ribs and smirking.

He laughed and his whole face lit up while the corner of his eyes wrinkled. "Good to know."

We walked back upstairs and joined Edward and Esme in the living room. They were still watching Princess Bride, and it was the scene where they torture Westley.

"I never understood what he was hopping to gain with that machine. Sucking the life from someone doesn't give the soul to him, it just destroys the person," Garrett said from beside me.

I slid onto the couch beside Edward and curled into his chest. He frowned at me for a second before kissing my temple and holding me close.

"He wants what every man wants: power," Jasper said as he walked into the room with Alice at his side.

"How does he get power from that, though?"

"By making others weaker, you become more powerful by default." Jasper sat in the recliner while Alice draped her legs across him and sat on the armrest.

"I suppose you're right. I'd never looked at it that way." Garrett glanced down at me in Edward's arms and smiled. "I'll see you later, Little-Bit. Have a goodnight, everyone."

"Night," I said softly with a faint smile.

The front door closed silently behind him and Edward immediately looked down at me. "Are you okay with this? Honestly?" he asked quietly. I knew he had heard the conversation via Garrett's thoughts.

"Okay with what?" Jasper asked, looking curiously from me to Edward.

"Garrett is no longer going to tour with me. He's left Beautifully Sacred," I explained.

Esme's face fell as a quiet "Oh" escaped her lips.

"I'm fine with it. I understand his reasons, and support him. I just don't know what to do now. We were going to tour for our CD, but it doesn't feel right to play the songs without him." I fidgeted on the sofa, tucking my feet beneath me.

"Well, it's obvious, isn't it?" Alice asked with a grin.

We all turned to look at her, partly confused, and partly waiting for her to elaborate as we all knew she would.

"We form a new band, write new songs, and tour together!"

My lips lifted slightly and I looked up at Edward. We had talked about something similar on the night of my birthday while in the meadow. "And I'm guessing you already have a name in mind?" I asked.

"Of course! Beautiful Disease," she said with confidence.

Jasper grinned and stared into the eyes of his small, bouncing wife on his lap. "I like it."

"Me too," I said, glancing up at Edward.

"Beautiful Disease it is, then," he said softly with a smile.

Alice hopped off the arm rest and pulled her phone out in a second. "I'll call Maurice to let him know the new plans." She barely finished speaking before the number was dialed and she was walking toward the dining room.

As I curled into Edward's side, I couldn't help the giant smile as it spread across my face. I was happy. _Genuinely_ happy. I was excited for Garrett and Kate, and hoped that they had a happy life together, but as I glanced around the room, I realized that I had a lot to be thankful for, too. As much as I missed Charlie, and even Renee, I felt like I had a home where I fit in. I was finally comfortable in my own skin and with who I had become. I'd be forever stuck as a teenager, but I was excited about the endless possibilities this _new_ life would provide me.

Jasper eyed me suspiciously and I looked down at my lap, letting my hair fall in my face. He knew, and there was no hiding it from him, but the human part of me buried deep inside still felt embarrassed for some strange reason. I was determined to not let go of my human nature. I would make sure that I kept my quirks, fidgeting, and old habits. Who's to say I can't have both worlds?

Edward linked his fingers with mine and squeezed, resting our wrists on my thigh. As I glanced up into his eyes I felt a sense of peace course through me. I'd thought that I had lost this chance forever when he left, and again when I was changed, but it wasn't until now that I realized forever is relative.

_It's how the time is spent that matters, not how long you have._

_And you know something? Westley had it right._

Death could not stop true love. All it could do was delay it for a while.

* * *

**A/N**_: I still have the epilogue for Beautifully Sacred to write and post_, but I know some people don't like epilogues. If you don't plan on reading it, just know that the links for the music discography download for the entire story as well as a pdf version, and art work made by me will be posted on the epilogue A/N, as well as on my profile page and tumblr. Check back to get those links once the epilogue posts, if you're interested.

Credit for the "He wants what every man wants: power," line goes to Ocdmess. Thanks for letting me use it. I told you I had a plan.

Also, credit for the last line goes to William Goldman, author of _The Princess Bride_.

_Questions? Poke me on twitter: Ailisraevyn or formspring: Ailisraevynx_

Is there going to be a sequel? - I am still undecided. Yes, I have a major idea that could work, but I don't have the time to plan and map it out like I do for all of my stories. I will point out that there are a few subtle foreshadowing pieces (all mentioned in the last portion of this chapter) that would lead to my idea for the sequel however, so it is a possibility.

Special thanks to Ocdmess for pre-reading, being an amazing inspiration, and motivator. She's my rock and my foundation. A huge thank you to my beta, blahblahblah, for her patience and vast knowledge in all things smart-related. Also, the girls (and guy) on twitter who poked me to keep me going and became amazing friends.

Thank you for reading, skimming, reviewing, glancing, listening, and imagining. Your time spent and comments shared mean more than I can ever express. I will do my best to respond to every one of you.

**Song question for the chapter**: What one song do you feel is "YOU"? Something that means a lot to you, holds a specific memory or fondness that reminds you of who you are, or what you love? Maybe someone else told you they think of you when they hear it, or maybe it's your theme song when you need a reminder of how awesome you are.


	34. Ch 30: Genesis

**DISCLAIMER: All characters and story world belong to SM. All lyrical references and quotes are property of their original artist. No copyright infringement intended.**

_[Beta'd by: _**UnBeta'd**_]_  
Special thanks to: Ocdmess

Last chapter I asked what one song you felt defines "you" and my song would be: Nine Inch Nails – The Fragile. It's my favorite Nine Inch Nails song. Period.

No songs for this chapter, but I did listen to Matt Nathanson – "Come on Get Higher" while writing.

**http:/ /www[dot]youtube[dot]com/user/BeautifullySacred**

* * *

***Warning – Fluffy, fuzzy, gooey mush and junk.***

* * *

**Chapter 30**  
**EPOV - Epilogue**

It was the week between Christmas and New Year's, and the family had come back together again. We were all at the Denali house for the holiday celebrations, and life felt normal for the first time in a very long time. Garrett and Kate had returned from Iceland and even helped us mix our new tracks while Emmett sat in on every practice with Rose by his side.

Tanya eventually returned as well, and found that staying busy helped to keep her mind off of Irina. She helped Kate with the decorations around the house, and even assisted us in the studio from time to time. She warmed up to Bella quickly and they became closer friends than I could have ever imagined. The loss of her sister definitely put things into a different perspective for Tanya.

Kate and Garrett tied the knot on New Year's Eve, and Alice handled all of the arrangements. It was a small ceremony that took place on the cliff that overlooked our house in Alaska – the same cliff I used to spend days at while I tortured myself with the memory of Bella. Rose played the music and Emmett set off the fireworks at midnight, welcoming the newlyweds into the New Year.

As we danced under the stars and let Rose play DJ, Garrett asked to dance with Bella. I gladly gave him her hand and sat down on the snow covered ground to watch from a distance. Jasper joined me midway through their dance and cleared his throat.

"So," he said quietly with his eyes fixed on our family.

"So?" I asked. Bella tossed her head back and laughed as Garrett grinned and pulled her closer, spinning her quickly. I smiled at the sight and turned my gaze to Jasper.

"So," he stated once more before looking at me. '_Why haven't you asked her yet?'_

I sighed and looked back at Bella dancing. She was beautiful; her hair trailed behind her as she spun, and her laugh rang clear in the night as the lights from the fireworks lit up her face.

"I don't know. Waiting for the right time, I guess."

"Why?"

"Why what?" I asked.

"Why wait?" Jasper clarified as he glanced up at the fireworks above us.

A burst of green and red lit up the sky and the smoke clouds from the previous explosions glowed briefly before the colors died out and the embers fell to the ground.

"I want it to be the right moment, you know? What if she says no?" I asked quietly.

"She loves you," he said with a monotone voice.

I quirked a brow and glanced at him. "Is that a question?"

"No. Just stating the obvious. You love each other. You really think she will say no?"

I thought about it for a moment and sighed. I didn't want her to feel pressured. I was worried she didn't want the same things that I did.

Jasper rolled his eyes and a second later I was overwhelmed with an intense sense of love, passion, and loyalty. I gasped slightly as I leaned back and looked toward Bella with wide eyes.

'_She has no doubt that she loves you and wants to be with you, but you shouldn't need me to show you that. So again, why wait?'_ he asked silently.

I watched Bella with her head resting on Garrett's shoulder as they slowed down for the next song and my heart swelled.

_She does love me. I know that. _

I was worried. I was concerned that she still might not trust me entirely; that she wouldn't have faith in my word; that she didn't believe that I would never leave her again. I didn't want to pressure her into forcing those feelings and then doubting anything. I was mostly worried about how she would react about leaving the family, however.

'_Stop focusing on every detail, concern, and possibility and ask her to leave with you. For Christ sake, Edward, you deserve to be happy, too. You've lived in this darkness for decades and you finally find the light in your life and you're worried about smothering it? She's not going anywhere. She'll follow you to the end of the earth.'_

I sighed once more and nodded slowly. He was right. I had no reason to continue waiting and making excuses. I wanted to get away from everything and focus on us for a while. I knew that the music meant a lot to her, but I felt like we hadn't taken the time to reconnect on a personal level – one that didn't involve music, my family, touring, and our friends. I was afraid that she wouldn't want to leave everyone and everything and go away with me. I was afraid that the life we were living was more important to her than our life together.

I got to my feet and said a quiet thank you to Jasper before walking toward Garrett and Bella.

"May I steal her back now?" I asked Garrett with a smile.

He studied me briefly before putting her hand in mine. "She's all yours."

I nodded my head in thanks and wrapped my arm around Bella's waist, pulling her closer to me. She rested her head on my shoulder and we moved in a slow, steady rhythm. I kissed the top of her head gently and she looked up at me.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing," I said quietly with a faint smile and kissed her forehead.

The glow of the fireworks lit up the sky and the smell of the embers flooded my nose. I buried my face in Bella's soft hair and took in a deep breath as I gently moaned. She squeezed me tightly and moved her hands under my shirt and around my back to my hips. Her fingers traced the contours of my skin as we danced and I decided I wasn't going to worry or wait any longer.

I turned my head toward her ear and rested my cheek against hers. "Leave with me, Bella. Leave our family, friends and music behind for a while and let's just focus on our life together," I whispered.

Her feet stilled on the snow covered ground and she froze in my arms. She took a shaky breath before pulling back slightly to look into my eyes. "What did you say?" she asked in a low voice.

"We have eternity to write music and tour the world, but I don't want that to become what defines us. I've nearly lost you so many times, and I want to make sure that we focus on us – on being together – before we get lost in hobbies, passions and careers." I paused and tried to decipher the look on her face. She seemed shocked, perhaps even disappointed? I put a bit of distance between us and took her hands in mine, squeezing them gently. "Bella, I feel like I barely got to know you. I never knew you were interested in music or writing; I had no idea what you wanted to do with the rest of your human life, and now that it has been taken away, I feel like I truly don't know anything about you anymore, and I want to! I want to know everything there is to know about you, and not just a game of twenty questions regarding your favorite color or historical figure. I want—."

Her hand covered my mouth and I exhaled heavily as I stared into her eyes. Her lips slowly turned up into a sad smile and she shook her head. My heart grew heavy and I knew that I should have prepared myself better for rejection. I closed my eyes and slumped my shoulders.

"Of course I'll go with you," she whispered.

I repeated her words in my head once, twice, three times before opening my eyes and mumbling against the palm of her hand. She laughed quietly and moved her hand to my cheek.

"What was that?" she asked.

"I said, wait, what?" I repeated, this time more clearly.

She pressed her lips faintly to mine and smiled before speaking again. "I said okay."

"Really?" I asked in disbelief.

"Yes," she said with a laugh.

"You aren't upset? You don't hate me for asking you to leave your music and family behind?" I asked.

"No, why would I? I want what you want, I want to be with you, and you are absolutely right."

I watched as she smiled up at me, waiting for my reply. The word 'amazed' didn't do justice. I was constantly awestruck with how she put others before herself and how she managed to always surprise me when I was sure of something. I think that was part of what drew me to her in the first place. She never said or did what I expected, and just when I thought I had something figured out about her, she would change course, and I found myself utterly shocked or confused.

She kept me guessing. She made me feel alive.

She made me see a purpose in my once boring and repetitive life.

She was the foundation I had craved for nearly a century – the music bars to my notes, the bass to my treble – and I finally found her. I finally had something to hold onto.

I threw my arms around her, crushing her to my chest and taking in the scent of her hair. I never wanted to let her go again. The term forever had always been taken too lightly by humans, but my kind understood the meaning and took advantage of it. However, no one would ever be guaranteed forever, and I didn't want to lose sight of that truth – I didn't want to forget that I could lose this happiness, this _bliss _at any moment.

"Edward?" Bella asked with a chuckle. "Are you okay?"

I took another deep breath of her hair and held it in for a second before pulling away and nodding. "I couldn't be better," I whispered.

"You really thought I would say no?" she asked with a touch of concern to her voice.

"I couldn't be sure. I know how much the family and music means to you, and I didn't want to take you away from that."

She glanced toward our family spread out on the cliffside and enjoying their night, and as she scanned the festivities, a wide grin spread across her face. "I'll miss them, of course, but it's not forever. We've never really had time to be alone and just be ourselves; I'd like that."

I reached out and squeezed her hands in mine gently. She leaned back on her heels unexpectedly and tugged me toward her with a mischievous look. I pulled her arm up over her head and twirled her once before resting my hands on her hips and leading us toward our family. The rest of the night was filled with dancing and laughter as we celebrated a new year filled with new hope and possibilities.

./.

When the time came to tell our family that we would be leaving for a while, everyone took it rather well. Well, everyone but Emmett.

"Come on, baby bro! We just got her back and now you're taking her off somewhere? We haven't even gotten a chance to have an arm wrestle championship or teach her chess so she can beat your ass!" Emmett protested.

Rosalie slapped the back of his head and rolled her eyes. "Would you quit being selfish? We go off by ourselves all the time, we just call them honeymoons. They deserve some time to themselves."

"But, babe!" he whined.

Rosalie quirked a brow and crossed her arms. Emmett sighed and dug his hands in his pockets before shrugging. "Fine, but when you two get back, she's mine for a month!"

"Bella is not a video game you take turns with," Esme scolded, and we all laughed.

Emmett sulked for a moment before he walked over and picked up Bella, squeezing her tightly. "I'll miss you, Bella Bear. Just give me a call if he starts his emo, mopey bullshit and I'll come straighten him out for you."

"Thanks, Em," she said with a smile.

Alice, Jasper, and Garrett had already known about our plan. It's kind of hard to hide feelings and decisions from three gifted and nosey vampires. Alice had bags full of clothes packed for Bella and I that Garrett helped pick out already loaded in the car. When we had finished loading the essentials and saying our goodbyes, we pulled away from the house and turned toward the highway.

We didn't know where we were headed, and that's the way we wanted it. We didn't buy or rent a cabin, and we didn't set a destination – we just took to the road with a few belongings, bags full of clothes and a sense of happiness and love that neither of us had encountered before we had met.

Perhaps we would find a place that inspired us and stay there a while, or maybe we would only stop for gas and a hunt, but either way we were together. If the mood struck, we would write or compose, and as we drove we would talk about life, love, and anything that felt important at the time.

The sadness and guilt that once consumed my heart was gone, and the weight on my shoulders had been lifted. Bella had shown me what life was meant to be and I nearly destroyed that.

Never again would I let anything come between us, including myself.

Never in the century that I had walked this earth did I imagine _this_ being my life.

Never in the decades of my existence did I fathom a love so strong and pure.

And _never_ in my life would I let _her _out of my arms again.

I reached over and threaded my fingers between hers and squeezed gently. She smiled as she pulled our hands up to her lips and kissed my knuckles before placing our hands over her heart.

Forever or not, we would make the best of it.

* * *

_~Fin~_

* * *

**A/N**: I owe all of you a huge thank you and massive hug for all of the love and support you've shown me over the past year. I started this fic one year and one month ago and to see it finally come to an end has definitely stirred a lot of emotions in me. Amongst the top of that list would be grateful, inspired and touched and it's honestly because of each of you, so thank you from the bottom of my heart for all you've shown and shared with me.

As a way to say thank you, I've put together a bunch of things that are available for you to download if you so chose. They are all listed over at my tumblr for Beautifully Sacred at: **beautifullysacred(dot)tumblr(dot)com**, as well as a link in my profile here on ffnet. I've included:

The **Entire **story & playlist in:  
Word Document Format  
PDF Format  
Kindle Format

Music:  
folder with all music files in mp3 format

Images:  
Both Banners for the story  
Images used in the story  
Inspirational images used while writing

Extras:  
A Garrett Character Development outtake in word document format  
The creation of "Esme's Song" outtake in word document format  
An alternate version to Chapter 20 "Harmony" in EPOV that was cut and re-written entirely.

As for the "Will there be a sequel" question, the answer is: Most likely not, however I'm not ruling it entirely out.

Last tidbits: Special thank you to Ocdmess, my best friend both in and outside of this fandom, IBDamon, one of the coolest and sweetest readers who has stuck with me since the beginning and become a good friend, Z for taking a chance on a little girl, her sadness and her dreams, and my beta, BlahBlahBlah for teaching me more than she will ever realize.

If you are into All Human Twilight Fanfic, check out my other WIP, "Memories Left Behind" or any of Ocdmess' amazing fics. If one shots are more your style, perhaps you'd like my cluster of music inspired oneshots, "First Impressions". I am working on a new fic, but I have no idea when I'll feel comfortable enough to post it, so stay tuned!

Thanks again! Love, ~Ailisraevyn


	35. Ch 31: Millennium

**Stranger POV**

**Sometime in the distant future...**

The glow from the street lamps barely lit the path in front of me. The snow was coming down so strong it was a wonder I wasn't buried alive. Why I was on the streets at this hour was still a tough pill to swallow. Monica and I had never fought so passionately before, I truly wondered if this was it for us. I knew there was a small pub and inn on the corner four blocks down, but I didn't remember how far that truly was in these weather conditions.

I could hear a gentle applause and faint laughter coming from my destination, and I remembered they had a karaoke night on occasion. As I pushed the door open, I nearly ran into a man standing just two feet inside the entrance. I managed to squeeze around him and noticed how packed the place was. I struggled to make my way toward the bar, contemplating if maybe I should call Chester for a ride and a nights sleep on his sofa, but decided against it when I remembered the overwhelming snow outside waiting.

"Thank you, we haven't practiced that one much, as I'm sure you all noticed," a guy said from somewhere on the stage. I couldn't see over the mass of bodies shoved into the small space, so it was only a guess that he was performing.

"Oh, please. You messed up the lyrics on purpose. Don't believe him, folks. He lies," a soft female voice said with a chuckle.

I tried to find an empty space so I could get a better look at what was going on, and managed to push my way toward the left of the small stage. Suddenly, I felt as though all of my breath had left my lungs as I stared on at a beautiful woman with dark crimson and black hair just ten feet from me. Never in my life had I seen a woman so beautiful. Her lips broke into a full smile as she gave her male companion a look that was both gorgeous and daring at the same time.

When I managed to get a look at the male behind the piano, I noticed he was equally flawless in every way. She strummed the guitar mindlessly, and cleared her throat.

"Well, I guess one more for the night?" she asked her companion quietly.

"Whatever you wish, love." He responded with a sincere smile as he stared lovingly at her.

They must be a couple, I decided. A sudden chill came over the entire room as the door opened, and another body made it's way through the masses. Everyone seemed to shiver and bundle up tighter except for the musicians on the stage who were in jeans and thin sweaters, the girl with a thin scarf dangling over her shoulders like guitar straps.

"It feels like we wrote this song a thousand years ago," the girl said with a mischievous smile.

The guy closed his eyes and pressed down on the first key gently, then the next, and the next, and quickly a soft melody flowed through the room. He paused and opened his eyes to look at his companion as she strummed the first few chords.

"The day we met, frozen, I held my breath," she sang softly, her voice penetrating my heart and melting away any bitterness and resentment I held from the night earlier. As she sang, she plucked the chords steadily, matching the rhythm of the piano. She was seated with the acoustic guitar resting on her lap effortlessly, slightly turned toward the piano man.

"One step closer," they sang in unison and paused. She smiled over at him for a split second before continuing.

"I have died everyday waiting for you. Darling don't be afraid, I have loved you for a thousand years. I'll love you for a thousand more."

Everyone cheered and she seemed to blush before holding a finger to her lips and turning to look at her counterpart.

"Time stands still. Beauty in all she is," he sang with a gentle, deep voice.

She stood slowly, still cradling the guitar in her hands and strumming as she moved toward the bench seat at the piano. She turned her back toward the bar and stood, playing.

"I will be brave, I will not let anything take away what's standing in front of me. Every breath, every hour has come to this," he continued, and she joined him for the chorus.

Their voices were a perfect harmony, and their passion for the music, and each other, was almost overwhelming and unreal. It felt as though their love could have been as strong as a thousand years, and suddenly I realized how irrational I had been with Monica and my fears. Life was too precious to waste heart ache on trivial things.

He slid down to the other end of the bench, but continued to play as she sat down with her back against his shoulder, facing the crowd once more.

The music slowed and she leaned her head back on his shoulder and closed her eyes.

"One… step… closer," they said quietly in unison.

"I have died, everyday, waiting for you," she said grimly, the pain evident on her face and the only music coming from her instrument across her lap. My heart throbbed and I felt the lump in my throat as the two strangers opened a part of themselves and bared their troubles for all to see. He closed his eyes as well, and his face was pale and hard - the tension evident across his brows and through his jaw.

"I'll love you for a thousand more," they sang together, and he began to play once more. The sadness slowly drained from the both of them as they reached the end of the song on a high note and turned to face each other.

They never exchanged a romantic gesture, just a look. A look that said they will love each other unconditionally, without rules or reason, without judgment and ultimatums.

A love that was eternal.

Forever.

_A/N: Well, it's two years later to the day since I finished this fic, and I thought you could all use a little Beautifully Sacred in this new year. Thank you to my Grey Cloud, OCDMess for pushing me to write again, and mentioning this song. I hope you all enjoyed the little slice of their lives in the future. I don't know if I will ever write Beautifully Sacred again, continue Memories Left Behind, or ever start and finish my original fiction I've been toying with for years, but I hope you all enjoyed addition, and have a wonderful 2013_

_Happy Holidays!_

_~Ailis Raevyn_


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